Sincerity

I'm thankful to be featured here. Honestly I don't think the report is that good but You know, if some other folks like it... That MDMA trip feels so distant too. And yet it was only 4 months ago... time moves really slow for Me haha. My recents LSD trips have been way way deeper than that. Also I have a feeling that what I wrote is not really what happened. I painted a story with words but the experience really was soft, indescribable and profound... and my story just isn't it. That's why I kinda cringe at the idea of rereading it. In fact right now I feel this way about all my previous trip reports. They're all bs. Even my memories of these trips are bs. Nothing compares to present experience and I think it's dumb to dwell in the past. Even though of course I'll most likely make this mistake a million more times haha. I didn't write trip reports from my previous two trips because it's useless. Well, at least I made that one recording I shared but it was just the beginning of the trip and yeah... Still doesn't convey quack. Focusing on experience has been magical lately. I really don't know... I just don't know. I've been afraid of it, feeling stupid because of it, feeling sad, angry, guilty, joyful... And I still don't know. What do I do about it? I don't know. Do I have to do anything? I don't know. Can't I just accept it? I dunno. It is what it is and I'll admit it's pretty damn beautiful if I'm honest. But being honest is hard haha.

It's only a recent development... You're too nice Sine. @Spiritual Warrior Yeah talking to yourself in a nice way is really transforming. Not only does it greatly change your attitude towards You, but also towards others. You'll see everyone in a much more positive light. Try calling yourself sweetheart once in a while - and mean it. In your thoughts, journal entries, reminders on your phone, calendar events, sticky notes, out loud... Whatever names You like, get creative. Call yourself how You'd want to be called by your loved one. And notice the difference in your well-being. You receive love by giving it to yourself. Then with that love You gain the strength to give more. It's a possibility for You to become an endless fountain of love. So go for it! And do it in a way that works for You. How would You like to be given love? How would You like to give it?

Conscious politics, everyone.

You're the one making these negative posts for months. Your beliefs and INTERPRETATIONS of awakenings have corrupted You and are running You. And they're not even close to what's true. As if a belief could ever be. Get a hold of yourself. You are not a powerless victim, You are fucking God. Take some responsibility. It happens EXACTLY out of your personal will!!! Oh my God hahaha. It's just that You don't want it! Notice You've been kicking and screaming for who knows how long, saying reality is a disappointment or God is evil or whatever. You just can't accept and You're blaming some God that's supposedly other to You, lol. Be careful, You're letting your mind spiral You into a dark hole. The consequences could be deadly for You and I mean it. Don't fall into the trap of waiting for something to save You - the only one who will save You is YOU. You have to do it, out of your own God damn will, whether You believe in it or not. Or destroy yourself, up to You. Some tough love for You. You're welcome.

Bs from the get go. Free yourself from this belief-prison You're creating for yourself. Humans are not robots. It's not predetermined or whatever. Throw this garbage out already. What are You so afraid of? What are You resisting? Contemplate that perhaps.

So... now You wish your username was LSD-ChatGPT?

I'm doing CS50p right now actually haha. Yup CS50p, codewars, w3school, realpython all good. * * * * * * * * * * * There's so many great sources, tutorials and courses You can't make a definitive list of which are best. Just start learning. My additions: https://www.techbeamers.com/python-tutorial-step-by-step/#tutorial-list --> Good tutorials. https://docs.python-guide.org/ --> Another guide I'd recommend. Have a strong motivation to learn it or You'll run out of steam. Not just because "it seems to be a high value skill to have".

The higher standards as a mod are a blessing. I have to be slightly more vigilant with my idiot mind. That's good. But of course it's not only about being a mod, it's not even the main reason. I want to be more integrous and all. No. I was joking. I was never addicted to no substances, except for sugar I guess. MAYBE I'm addicted to coffee, idk I love it.

She gave me enough candy and video games and I still became a drug addict. I'm joking. I could never have enough candy.

Quite a reaction. What was your childhood like, did You feel loved as a child? kidding ofc

I try to be frank, harsh when needed, but also keep my biases in check and not go too far. Sometimes I can also get heated though, I admit. Some things get under my skin.

No hard feelings. I'm never your enemy.

No, You won't understand every single thing. You won't even understand one "thing". Try grasping a pencil or leaves swaying in the wind. Whether You're doomed because of that or not is a matter of perspective.

Inspiring! Nice to hear about your progress.

I love this movie so damn much lol. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish fucking slaps. And I don't mean it metaphorically or rhetorically or poetically or theoretically or in any other fancy way. It slaps. Straight up. Reveal the tab below for spoiler content. (If You're interested in the spoiler tag functionality, see this post) I don't remember ever crying so much on a movie. I watched it 5 months ago and it almost retriggered my panic attacks associated with fear of dying. The titular cat actually had a panic attack in the film and it's very well portraited. After the movie I went to the bathroom and had a literal breakdown lol. "And you didn't value any of them." It's unironically perfect. It had no fucking right to be so great but there it is. A puss in boots sequel haha. Everyone who watched it will tell You it rocks. Tomorrow I'm gonna go see Spiderman: Across the Multiverse because I heard it's amazing too. I don't usually watch superhero movies... with their shallowness and dumb one-liners and all. But SOME of these movies are so so beautiful and they're my favourite things to come back to, especially when I want that sweet inspiration. I love to watch a complex character overcome their struggles... add breathtaking visuals to that and I'm in.

Woke up early, studied for 3,5 hours... out of love for Myself. My friends from college invited me over to a grill party and sang me happy birthday, gave me presents... we had a lovely time talking, eating and playing games and I'm so so thankful to have such people in my life. I feel really blessed. Then I went to my dancing classes and had a great time there too. I went back home on foot, thinking about my life and being grateful for the people in it. And now I'm chilling. Yawnnn I'm so tired. And I still wanna meditate and read a bit. I had weird emotional nightmares today and didn't get much sleep. Yawnnn ok I really have to go. I will be limiting my time on the forum cuz more and more I feel like I'm wasting time here. I love this community, I love moderating it, I want it to prosper, I like expressing Myself here, I love interacting with certain people and reading their posts... but yeah the forum is a big distraction. And I can't let it draw Me away from what's most important to Me in life. A little more action please...

God the amount of blabbering You guys are doing. ?‍♂️ A little less conversation, a little more action please...

I had a stroke reading this.

There is no awareness beside Yours.

Some of my fav songs from a year ago. I especially love singing the first two when I'm out on a walk. If there's something to be learned from all these losers It's that the price that you pay For arrogance and a false sense of immunity Is to face the wrath of a dying star.

I had such a great day today. I woke up early, meditated, studied for 3 hours, read a book, spent time with my family and ate sushi, went out for a solitary bike ride, visited one of My favourite cafes and wrote in My notebook for 2 hours, went for a really nice walk... listened to some music, laid on the grass, watched the sunset. A dream come true. Must have been my second best birthday. My family made Me feel really loved today. Besides all the standard birthday wishes each of them told Me 3 specific things they appreciated about Me. It was so sweet... So nice to hear something like this. The one that had the biggest impact on Me I think was My dad saying I'm probably the most mature of them all. Imagine hearing this from your father lol. Saying it couldn't have been easy for him and I respect that a lot - it's evidence of HIS maturity. Also, My mom and sister agreed. I won't go into detail why they think so, there's too much to say there. I made Myself feel loved too. I wished Myself happy birthday (in long written form) and told Myself I love You. I wrote out 10 specific things I appreciate about Myself. I realized nobody knows Me better than Me because the things I most appreciate about Myself people just don't notice. Of course I don't blame them and I don't need them to. I also realized I don't know anyone else better than they know themselves. It's humbling when You think about it. It's thrilling for Me to think that I know Myself best. Well, it's not much, but still. I'm like My own beautiful secret! How cool is that. Privacy / intimacy with Myself is something I've really started to value lately. I LOVE that I don't have to share some of Myself with "anyone else". I can just keep Myself to Myself if I want. I can have My private notes and thoughts that no one else will ever know. Another way to say it is I'm exploring further levels of being comfortable with solitude. And anytime I wanna talk... I can just talk to Myself. To the man in Me as Her or the other way around. I love it haha. Speaking of, today I noticed that it's much more authentic for Me to speak as Her to Him instead of as Him to Her. I mean I identify with Him most of the time but when I start talking to Myself it feels natural for Me to speak as the woman to this man doing various things in My life for Me. Oh and also obviously neither the man nor the woman are what I am really. Or the thoughts, the body or any of these appearances. Words can't describe Me.

Change of state is not dependent on any action or "content" of consciousness. Whatever is, is. But also it is dependent, sort of. When You shoot yourself in the head in a dream at night, is it really the bullet that wakes You up?

Duality of man LOL

Hey Sine! I'm really happy You're resonating with this! One interesting thing is that when I started calling Myself sweet names, I instinctively want to call others these names too. Family, friends, even strangers... Actually when I first read your comment here I automatically thought of You as "beloved". When I change my attitude towards Myself my attitude towards "others" changes too... who would have thought?! Hahahaha. * * * * * * * * * * * * Yawn. I'm tired. Tomorrow is My birthday. For the first time in my life I'm gonna genuinely wish Myself all the best, out of Self-love and care. It's so stupid for Me to think now that I've lived through so many birthdays and not once did I think about wishing happy birthday to Myself, hahahaha. No one ever taught me to God-damn love Myself. Though I think it's a blessing because discovering all this stuff for Myself on the go really helps me embody these lessons... and also it's an adventure. Yesterday I thought to Myself that God literally always learns things "the hard way". There's no other option. If You think You've learned something the easy way, this either means that You've learned it the hard way before in the past and now the lesson is just repeating itself OR You didn't actually learn it and You're just bullshitting. After the last 3 months I learned what it's like to live through a nightmare, what having no strong executive force in My life (a strong-willed man inside of Me) results in and how resisting and not looking at Myself for a long time makes me feel, and more. I'm not saying I've learned this fully and now I'm done. No. But these last weeks and months stang so fucking much that now I'm certain about some things (like the need to be there for Myself out of love for Myself) and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't want to put Her through another nightmare again. I can't, I can't fucking leave her at Her worst... At MY worst, God dammit! I have to be there for Myself, otherwise what sort of a man am I. A weak man that only likes the good times and leaves when it gets bad. It's a horrendous fucking attitude and I WON'T BE THAT IN MY LIFE. No, no, NO, NO NO! I MUST be a good husband to Myself. Absolutely fucking crucial. Yawnnnn. Anyway I had a great day today. And tomorrow is gonna be even better! I'll spend it as well as I can. I will treat Myself. I deserve the best after all.