Sincerity

They're just humans. And so are You. Notice why You feel angry at them. You are hurt. You "gave" them something and expected something in return (classic human moment). But they don't owe You anything. The way they operate is VERY similar to yours and mine. You are not above them just because You had glimpses.

Happy birthday Leo!! ??? All the best & thank You for your work.

I'd say don't quit after just 1 week. Wait at least a month to get a better feel for this job. Maybe it'll grow on You. Don't get discouraged so soon. Also I'd suggest You make the effort to get clear about what You like and don't like there. You know, it'll be useful for You in the future. But You're not going to learn after merely a week.

Random things to talk about. --> I've been fighting the urge to hide some of my posts here. I don't think it'd be right. I feel like it'd be a blatant rejection of certain parts of myself. --> Lately I've been crying almost every day, sometimes more than once. Usually out of sadness, arising for many reasons. --> I can't let go of my sister. She's my single biggest attachment to the world. The thought of leaving her or her leaving me feels so devastating. I feel I wouldn't accept reality if something happened to her. I am afraid of her getting raped, murdered or whatever... I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED. I am scared I would have to face this and I pray that I don't have to. Please, just don't do anything to her. And help her find peace, please... I'm trying to give her a lot of emotional support. Like just listen to her attentively, hug her, buy her a sweet she likes once in a while as a surprise. I hope that my love helps heal her from emotional baggage, helps her feel validated, all that... I want her to be mentally healthy, satisfied in life. I love her the most in the world. Is it too much to ask for her to live til we're both old pricks? --> I've been under a lot of stress lately. And I've been working on resolving it. --> Sometimes I get glimples. Yesterday I got a glimpse of that sweet effortlessness, peace and joy I experienced almost 3 months ago. Oh how great it was... How great it would be if I could live from that place. Maybe in the future - who knows? --> Today I had a terrible day. After I returned from my classes (angry, jealous, tired) I slept for 3 hours in the afternoon. God, I don't even want to elaborate what I did next because I'm ashamed of talking about it. Well, I went for a walk and at the end I ordered at fucking McDonalds, while numbing myself with BB/BCS clips. It's really becoming a contest of how low I can fall. I'm distracting myself so much. And who the fuck knows why? Every time I stop the distraction and I make the effort to accept, I feel good for a short while but then some even more difficult feeling comes up and I'm on my knees again. Well, maybe that's what needs to happen to evolve. It's like a peeling of layers or whatever? Jung's quote has been dwelling in my mind lately: “No tree can grow to Heaven unless it’s roots reach down to Hell.” Maybe I need to go through all this suffering to sometime at last experience the deep peace again. --> I have close to 0 motivation to do "serious spiritual work". No meditation, no nothing. I'm tired enough from crying, from feeling when I let myself feel, from all the thoughts, stress and occasional contemplative coffees. --> I have almost 0 motivation to do my college work. It's 3 AM and I'm tired. I'll go and distract myself some more before sleep. At least I'm not feeling hopeless. It's like the worst shit in the world.

Once, while talking to my intuition, I had a vision of how I died in the previous life. I hanged myself. In a small, dimly lit room. Could have been in the evening. I think there was no electricity. I suffered a lot and I couldn't take it no more. I remember this feeling of hopelessness. Now, I have no way of knowing whether this vision was "real". I don't even think there is a linear string of incarnations. Fuck, I don't even think there are other incarnations at all, past or future! After all I was shown that this is all a Dream, THIS is all that is! And yet this vision has made a big influence on me, true or not. It helps me remember to not repeat my mistakes. It inspires me to break the cycle. I've done that already... so what if I tried pulling through this time? I can suffer through it all... This time I can do it, despite the challenge. I feel a stain of regret on me. I feel that's sort of the motivation here...

Bro, there is no "deep love" after merely a month of dating. But go with what your heart wants. If You burn yourself a bit at least You'll gain more wisdom for the future, right?

Everything dies in God.

Yeah exactly.

You can be in love with certain virtues (like goodness, truth, purity, etc.) and then vow to embody them in your life on a daily basis. When You're grounded in something higher, bravery becomes more effortless.

God is Sock.

Temporarily, yeah. Still, clarity for even 5 minutes is nice.

When You're conscious of what truly and deeply resonates with You, You have the spirit / strength to fight for it. If your love is strong enough, it overcomes fear. Because love is INSPIRING. When You really love something and You see it's neglected, there sorta arises an anger in You that cuts through all bullshit and motivates You to act in protection of that thing. So REALLY dedicate yourself to what You love - for what / whom You'd be willing to die for. You will have the courage to FIGHT bravely and decisively.

There is no "this life". There is only NOW. There is only Life. The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience. - Frank Herbert And when You realize this You will cry Because all the bastardly shit You've ever done You've done to yourself. Oh, *****. I wish I could see it all with You. I don't want to lose You so much. If only You understood... If only You were truly other to me.

When You climb out of your hellhole with a ton of suffering behind You life will certainly be easier for You. What You go through grows You and it really is no easy thing to live through so much suffering man. Decisions will be easier to make, although life can always be a challenge to a degree. But You will be stronger. Life does NOT have to be hell my dude. There IS relief awaiting You here. Remember the night is darkest just before the dawn. Have faith! You're going to make it and it's gonna be great.

Spiral dynamics doesn't measure spiritual development.

?❤️‍?

The fuck are some of these cynical responses? Congrats my "dude". Heartfelt love from You to You. You probably know there's more so I don't gotta say it. Good luck with further awakening.

I really like Bubblegum. One of my fav characters in AT. She's very flawed in the show, but I can relate haha. I've been watching AT a lot in the last month. It gave me a lot of comfort during a difficult time and inspired me with its characters and their arcs. I really need external inspiration when I'm feeling this down. It's hard to get by otherwise... Internal motivation and expansion for about 3 months. Then need for more external motivation and stabilization (in a nutshell, maybe I'll elaborate some other time) for another 3 months. It's a cycle that keeps on repeating. I'm almost 1,5 months into the 2nd phase now. The last 1st phase lasted from around the end of November to the end of February.

I think I'm going to be okay. I've been "working" on surrendering lately. I mean... what's happening is happening. It's tricky to me that to surrender I have to also surrender my desire to surrender. It's like I have to do nothing for no reason. It's not easy often times since I can be scared, desperate, passionate... many things. But that has to be calmed down in order to simply be. It's getting better though. The hatred has subsided, the desperation has subsided, the desire to know, to manipulate reality... all slowly fading away. For now at least. Everything's been calmer in the last few days. Today during a contemplation session in a cafe I surrendered so deeply that I kinda recognized Myself again. It was more silent and peaceful tho. No explosive awakening or some grand realizations. But that's okay obviously! My desire for excitement has to go too someday and it was still really profound. I'm really glad I could reach this state sober in a period which has been probably the most difficult for me yet. For the first time I realized that Reality is Perfect. It is PERFECT, exactly as it is. "THIS IS PERFECT" is the antidote to "I wish reality was X", "I wish I was Y". I wish I surrendered to God. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. I wish I accepted reality more. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. I wish I didn't wish anything at all. --> No, THIS IS PERFECT. It's not even acceptance, because there is no "me" accepting anything. It's simply an acknowledgement of TRUTH --> THIS IS PERFECT. THIS IS PERFECT is like a slap to all my wishes and desires. Truly Perfect, to the point that it's absolutely okay if I don't recognize it. Nothing in reality has to change. My state doesn't have to change. I don't have to surrender. It's Perfect exactly as it is. I can admire its Perfection... or not! And yeah, I recognized Myself again. It's very simple - I am Reality. I am what happens. I am. I play Myself out. No words really point to it though. Yet again it's tricky because whenever I ask "what am I?", it's not Me speaking. I never ask no questions and I don't give no answers. I don't speak, I don't think, I don't do nothing. However I am all speech, I am thought, I am action. I am Experience. So... who's asking? And if THIS is perfect, why the desire to know = change THIS? What's the point? The second I ask out of desire, I fall out of my nature of just being. I mean, my nature is permanent but it's like I'm forgetting about it... And that's fine too, but why fall out of my nature to learn about my nature when I can just stay in it... Do You get me? Ehh, who am I even talking to. Tricky, tricky! I'm exploring this territory... wait, who's exploring...? Fuck. It can't be Me... so who? It's confusing all of it! I think I've forgotten it's Perfect. Wait, who's forgotten... AAAAAAAAAA! Whenever I speak, I lie... And yet my words are Truth. Wait...

It's neither random nor planned. It's the Highest Will, right NOW. Not random at all and not planned "in advance" or "for the future".

He's not. I'm saying He for the sake of simplicity. There is and it's You. Yes. However You can talk to "Him", precisely because You are Him. You are talking to yourself. Still there is value to it. You can hear some good advice and loving words if You're willing to listen. It may really help You especially if You're feeling hopeless. His guidance is perfectly suited for what You need at the moment and God is the best listener there is. Perfect listening AND perfect mentorship? That's pretty cool if You ask me. Maybe You should try it. Have a little faith, nothing is impossible.

I know You're asking Leo, but maybe my answer will be of use too. Yes, You can establish a "connection". I sometimes talk to Him when the time is right. For me it's like talking to another side of me. Like my intuition. So don't expect Him to tell You things You don't know or anything like that. Accept what arises, but also watch out for self-deception. You can try sitting in silence and genuinely asking "Hey, are You there?" or whatever feels right for You. If You really wanted it, You could probably talk to Him.

❤️

Your interpretation of experience ("not complaining" or "complaining") is not "truthful". Don't confuse your interpretations of actuality with actuality. Otherwise You'll see the bullshit You spin as truth, because it's "yours". Self-deception is almost always at play.