Sincerity

My fate is being decided. I am being haunted by the most vile thoughts I've ever seen. "They" know my exact weak points and hit them with all their "power". It feels literally demonic. This capacity for self-hatred is truly astounding. When I have the strength to be conscious, calm down and focus, I can see them for what they are and say NO. That's ENOUGH. And that's good... but they keep coming back over and over again. When I don't have this strength, I get lost again, distract myself and fall for these wretched and suicidal thoughts. If I ever fall for too long and I'm not alert, it's not out of the question that I do something final on autopilot one day. I hope it doesn't happen, but it's anybody's game. At times I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. I gotta be vigilant.

Oh nice! Fear is the unknown! That's a really good one. Ah yes. The "cement"... without any solidity. The "defined"... on the ground of undefinability. Allows the illusion to "exist". Reality is such a mystery lol.

Neat! Very good post. The insight that this game is unwinnable and unsustainable is spot on to me. I haven't considered it so explicitly. Also, your post screams to me "NEED TO CONTROL". Not only is it resistance, but a perverted desire to control reality and it's what creates misery and suffering. Everybody wants to rule the world, as they say. Thanks! Hmm. I haven't considered what You're mentioning here. I can see that fear is not bad per se. There's nothing REALLY 'bad' about it AND it is Love like everything else, but I have a hard time seeing how fear is good (existentially). I'd be willing to admit that fear is perverted love, because 'you' certainly like your limitedness and boundaries, 'you' love them. And 'you' DESIRE to be that way. But it's not genuine desire, it's not the voice of your spirit to say it more poetically, is it not? I would add to the list: Fear is challenge Fear is desire (but limited/perverted) Fear is love (but limited/perverted) In my contemplation I tried to dive into what fear IS. Not really how to approach it. You are certainly right that fear can be used in good and bad ways, that fear motivates you to grow and overcome it and that courage is overcoming fear. Mindset is #1. But in my opinion fear itself is not good. What's good is overcoming it. There is nothing good, redeeming or admirable about weakness (because that's what I suggest fear is). To clarify: I don't mean that one should be harsh with themselves because of their weakness/fear/shame or anything. No. Self-love is of crucial importance. But it's also important to call things by their name... AND accept them, without needing to control them desperately. OR maybe I am too stuck in my own perspective to see what You're seeing. Always an option. Also after more consideration I'd add fear is a protective force.

Oh, that's cool I was only surprised that she said it so explicitly. Good for You! And good luck!

She TOLD You she is ready to have sex? What? What's your relation to her? Are You dating?

Congrats!! Really impressive I'm starting to realize this too. Thanks for sharing your insights!

Some sadness I want to get off my chest. Two weeks ago for the first time I thought of really killing myself. Like doing it right then - actually taking a tram (there was a station nearby), driving to a bridge and jumping off it. First time I had an urge like that. It frightened me. Also I googled "would I die from falling off a bridge" or something along those lines. Overall it was a level up from suicidal thoughts I'd had so far. Never before did they actually refer to reality. I didn't do it because I got kinda distracted and went to eat some food and think about it and stuff. After the meal I no longer felt like it, but I was still shaken. I feel like it was my biggest betrayal of myself in my life. My greatest disappointment in myself. I'm so sad and cry every time I think about this. How could I bring myself to that point? How? How could I hate myself so much as to want to do it? It's the single biggest thing I could forgive myself for. Another thing that makes me cry is that there was a period, I don't know how long (maybe a month?), in which my dancing classes at the gym were pretty much the only thing that I found meaning in. The classes are only once a week and I waited and was excited for them. My instructor is sooo fricking positive and fun. Pretty much my age. I like her very much. These dancing classes certainly wouldn't be nearly as meaningful for me without her positive energy and enthusiasm. She brings in a lot. I wish to tell her one day, maybe before I leave for my exchange. I wish to tell her how meaningful her classes were to me and that what she's doing matters to many people, even if it sometimes doesn't seem like it. Often the participants are kinda unengaged and more quiet, just going along with the dances, and to be honest I was guilty of it too. So I want her to know how much her classes helped me, sincerely. I can only speculate whether I would still be here without them or not. But I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to say it to her in person. I'm fucking crying again now just by thinking about it, ehhhh. I don't want to break into tears in front of her. Usually I can keep my feelings in check when I'm with people because I'm distracted but this would be too much. I guess I can always text her. Besides if I said this in person at the end of the classes someone else would probably hear it (because she often has some friends that stay with her and drive home with her) and I don't want that. It's for her ears only. * * * * * * * * * * * * In the last 2 weeks I've been doing good. I had a moment of clarity after this suicide thing. I've found hope again. I've been listening to Vernon Howard a lot (love him), doing a LOT of contemplation, noticing my thoughts, breaking through my fears and shame. Had that awakening I mentioned. Did a lot of things I was procrastinating on. I've never been so conscious before. These last 2 weeks have been wild. I'm quite happy. I hope I don't get to the point of wanting to kill myself again. Truly, how can I ever be so fucking stupid and asleep? It's just THOUGHTS! How can I believe a single thing they say? I literally only believe my thoughts when I'm being this unconscious fucking robot walking on autopilot. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I say NO to these thoughts of fear! I can see through you. You are nothing. Try me again. Fucking DO IT! And I'll overcome you by noticing your fakeness once more. And again, and again, and again, if need be. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME. You're unwelcome here so once you appear, get the fuck out. There's no space for you in my life. Ehhhh. There's so much to say, so much I've experienced and realized lately. But this is a good time to stop. It's nice keeping things to yourself. There are so many very important things to me I haven't told anyone about. Nobody would care nor understand anyway. But I'm more and more okay with that.

Lol. You don't comprehend a pretty beginner-level insight that evil is a projection of the mind and only that, and You have the nerve to act all wise and snarky. You can go deeper and deeper into the nature of this "evil" (which You generate and ARE, for that matter), to the point that You realize everything is actually Love, including gassing jews. But good luck getting there with that arrogance and close-mindedness. Wisen up bro.

Spamton claims that he became a salesman not for the money, but for the freedom to make his own deals. However, he still attempts to scam Kris for money at every opportunity. His speech patterns are similar to typical obfuscated spam email text, with many words replaced with non sequitur variants in square brackets that could imply incorrectly-applied mail merge variables or hyperlinks, or various voice glitches. In much of his dialogue, he seems mentally confused and insane, seemingly projecting himself onto Kris, contradicting himself, and saying things which make little sense, without warning. This mental instability seems to clear up briefly after fighting him in his NEO form, as he wishes Kris success with their journey without using broken English. KRIS!!! TAKE THE DEAL!!! TAKE IT!!! DO YOU WANNA BE A [Heart] ON A [Chain] YOUR WHOLE LIFE!? KRIS... I WON'T FORCE YOU. I CAN'T. I CAN'T FORCE YOU. BUT JUST LOOK, KRIS. LOOK AT THE [Power of NEO] AND ASK YOURSELF... WELL, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU WANNA BE A [Big Shot]!? It seems after all I couldn't be anything more than a simple puppet. But you... You're strong. With a power like that, maybe you can break your own strings. Let me become your strength. Yes, I like and find meaning in Deltarune How do You know? The air crackles with freedom.

I've been confronting so much fear lately. I've been noticing how it is running my life. Examples of how I was scared in the last few days: In social situations: how I'm afraid of offending someone or causing disruption I was scared and worried because I was procrastinating on some quite important things Big one: I'm most likely going on a student exchange programme for the next semester. Living in a foreign country without anyone familiar nearby, on the other side of the continent. A lot of fears associated with this exchange thing. Soooo much I have to get done. And it's just scary, it's going to be my first time living on my own. Man. But I'm happy it's happening. Long story short I damaged my front tooth two weeks ago. The dentist fixed it for me but it's no longer straight and it literally cannot be anymore. I've always had straight teeth. Now I don't. It hurts. Fear of embarassment, smallness. Insecurity. Anxiety. My mom and sister tell me they can't even see it but I do. I can overcome this fear when I notice it, notice the thoughts and remind myself that this isn't me. I am not from this world, yet I am all of this world. Oh, btw, I had a profound completely sober awakening this week. Deeper than the ones I had on psychedelics. So it's not that I'm convincing myself intellectually that this is not me. Well, anyways, that's not the topic right now. I've been thinking and I'm coming to the conclusion that the IT industry is not for me. I've been studying CS for 2 and a half years already, my parents have been paying for it. But now for the first time in 3 years I harnessed the courage to think about this and notice that I'm NOT about this computer science bullshit. I want to do something humanistic, related to writing somehow. I'm seriously considering becoming a comic, writer. I came up with a life purpose which feels authentic to me. To convey spiritual truths through comedy. Not to brag but I think I have a cool sense of humor, especially like spontaneous responses, people really enjoy my jokes, stories and all. I already have ideas for what I would make shows about. Ok I'm getting off track again. I'm obviously scared of disappointing my parents. Also, they've been paying for my education and I'm finishing it soon. So what, it all just goes to waste? I'm not blaming myself because I think that going into computer science was the best choice I could have made with what I knew about myself at the time. I'm proud of that decision. But now I discovered more about myself and I feel like I can't do this shit. But are my parents gonna understand it? Fear. Fear of not-knowing. Today I confronted it after long contemplation on some matters and at some point I thought: how about I accept that I don't know? Could I accept that I will never know this? Would I accept a life like this? I was scared, but also I enjoyed the thrill of sitting in this not-knowing with fear trying to encompass me. Nodding my head in a social situation when someone is saying something. An unconscious reaction stemming from fear of being cast off from my group of peers. Also I want others to nod their heads when I'm saying something. Credit to Vernon Howard for making me conscious of this, and many other things. I see myself doing this. Now that my front teeth is weaker I literally fear biting my lips and fingers which I've been doing for so long. Maybe it's for the better, lol. My lips and hands don't look so good. Maybe I will stop now. I'm quite nervous. I'm only just learning to seriously notice fear in the moment and let go. I wanna cry right now. I've been noticing and overcoming so much fear with the light of consciousness. Am I getting weak now again? HAHAHAHA. I'm trying to notice it. Lol btw, this year I must have cried like 70-100 times. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Fucking fear hahahahaha!!! I love Spotify wrapped so much. Did you get yours? Mine brought back so many feelings and memories. My music taste was so good this year I love myself for it HAHAHAHAHAHAHA About this awakening I mentioned. It was amazing. For a second, I was immersed in a divine ocean of blissful peace and love. I was kissed on the forehead by sweet love and bliss itself. All sober, for fucks sake! My belief that meditation cannot compare to psychedelics has been shattered. I did it with my consciousness, on my fucking own! I remember it. I was contemplating what I am and I encountered much fear but I was able to see through these empty thoughts and let go into this pureness, infinity that I am. Psychedelics awakenings are undoubtedly cool, but here I kind of awakened manually and it was so satisfying and to be honest more beautiful and deeper than awakenings I've had so far. I recognized myself as Existence and realized there is nothing 'other' from me. I am Existence! And this universe is all a dream, it's fucking empty, it's just me. Reality is not real. It's all just me. Again, I am not from this world and yet this world is all that is and all that I am. I am Reality, I am the Source. I was a hidden treasure and I wanted to be known, so I created the world. Words can't describe Me. I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. This image goes hard. That's how I often feel now when I look at things. Gosh it's all just so much. HAHAHAHAHA. The Freedom. If I overcome fear, I CAN DO ANYTHING! This is what life is all about!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What are You waiting for? Do You want to be a puppet on strings your whole life?

Congrats!!! Good work

Vernon Howard This guy is the fucking bomb. He exposes your bullshit on a masterful level.

If by experience You mean create them for myself then yes, most likely. Of course You (and I) do fall into these "inevitable tragedies of life". By living in falsehood. Growth and shedding of fear are undeniably painful. But what is that pain, existentially? Are these pains and sorrows actually a property of reality? What I'm saying is that You erect bullshit and then hurt when it comes tumbling down.

So are these "sorrows of existence" in the room with us right now?

Ask and ye shall receive. You pursue by asking. You receive by pursing. You pursue because You want it. Or don't if You don't. I'd tell You it's pointless for You to think about causality or no causality at this point because in practice You get there by doing the work. Just do it. You will get insight into causality along the way.

Lol. Where does the sorrow come from? Your thoughts, perhaps? Go above thoughts of sorrow. It's just another trick You're playing on yourself to keep yourself asleep. Get this. You are creating sorrow as a defense against realizing what You really are! Quit being a puppet on strings and see through the wall of bullshit you've erected which is puppeteering You right now because You give it power. If You understand, there is no sorrow. There is BLISS!

Such a deep topic. I'm waiting for the video too. Hoping Leo can surprise me with some juicy insight Ego is falsehood. It's literally nothing. It's asleepness. It's immaturity. Ego is fear. It's resistance to Truth.

Jevil worked as the Court Jester alongside Seam, who was the Court Magician. One day, however, Jevil encountered a "strange someone," and his personality shifted permanently. Seam explains that Jevil "started saying bizarre things that didn't completely make sense - But didn't completely not make sense, either." Eventually, Jevil started viewing the world as a game, while everyone acted as its participants. Because of this, Jevil was locked away by Seam underneath Card Castle. He has a very cynical view of the world around him and considers everyone around him to be trapped while he is the only one truly free, despite ironically being jailed from the world. Seam however finds some sense in the words of Jevil, indicating that his insanity might be a form of awareness. THEY CRAVED TO IMPRISON MY BODY. BUT I'M FAST, FAST, CLEVER, CLEVER. THEY LOST THE CHASE, AND LOCKED UP THEIR ENTIRE RACE, BUILDING A PRISON AROUND THE WHOLE WORLD. NOW I'M THE ONLY FREE ONE. I CAN DO ANYTHING! The air crackles with freedom.

God is imperfect. God doesn't even compare to me. I am above God on all levels. God can blow me. ^ Do these statements spark a reaction in You? If yes, get to work

I think discord is a terrible idea.

HELP ME MAKE THE MOST OF FREEDOM AND OF PLEASURE NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD

Pin down some of FlyingLotus's posts like blog table of contents or this one. ^ Agreed. Dark mode would be nice tbh but I don't get my hopes up. Guess that'd be quite difficult to design. Ability to edit your own journals. Enlightened user of the month jk. It's a shame You don't share your deepest insights anymore. I hope You do in your advanced course. One thing I feel is that if I wasn't reading a lot of your posts on the forum, I wouldn't understand deeply the material from the videos. In fact I would say that I probably learned more from your forum posts than from the videos and it's not like the videos aren't packed with a lot of wisdom. I just feel like if one doesn't read your posts (which many times generate a-ha moments for me and increase understanding), one misses on half of the insights. For example, I 'learned' about the nature of death much more from your posts than video content. I don't know what to do about it, I'm just stating how I see it. Update the pinned topics in the Meditation section. They feel outdated. One suggestion: maybe you could make a large, wisdom-packed post about what your teachings are (not in like one sentence but also not too long) and pin it down. You could edit it along the way when your understanding expands. I'd really welcome more of these shorter, more spontaneous vimeo blog videos. Like the one about requisite variety, or awakening reports, etc. They were very valuable and insightful! I'm spitballing. I think this platform is good at it is. Thanks!

I have misunderstood this quote for so long, lol. I thought it meant something completely different. I mistook the word "phoneless" with the word "phony". The intended meaning of the quote something along the lines of: we rely on our phones and media which make us angry and scared and yada yada yada. Sure, it's true I guess, but I can come up with a better message. Here's how I originally misunderstood and here is my new version of the quote: Some poor, clueless fool is probably sitting in a café somewhere totally unaware of how confused and scared he really is. I wrote this in a café yesterday. People don't realize how scared they really are. Yes, maybe your fear isn't right on the surface in this very moment but still, you are scared as fuck and you deny it. It's so easy to prove that you're scared shitless! Here, a simple exercise for you: THINK THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS OR BETTER YET, SAY THIS OUT LOUD. REALLY, DO IT! I am a pedophile I would suck a dick happily (for the hetero men out there) I would gladly r@pe an animal I want to inject heroin in my veins I hate n****rs or, for the local racists out there, say this: An average black person is more intelligent than me This last one makes me laugh so much. Imagine getting a racist to say this. IMPORTANT NOTES I do NOT mean anything I say above. You're stupid if you think I do. Say it like you mean it. Notice your fucking reaction. NOTICE THE FEAR AND RESISTANCE! When you maybe overcome that fear, notice that you are still here and everything is okay. Furthermore, notice that even though you thought it or said it out loud, that doesn't mean it is true. You are still here and you are still your old way, only a bit less fearful. This goes to show that thoughts are just that, thoughts. You do not have to believe in the content of thoughts! Stop being lost in falsehood! Believing in the content of thoughts is literally believing in something that is NOT THERE! IT'S FANTASY! Really think about it: what IS the content of a thought made of? A thought is a thought, you can notice it. But what IS EXISTENTIALLY its content? IT'S NOTHING! IT'S YOU ADDING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THERE, FOR FUCKS SAKE! Yesterday I realized this and for the first time I was free to think anything. How much fun. I thought the most atrocious and "dangerous" thoughts and I'm still here. I still am not a pedophile, or a junkie or any of that. Better, I am relieved of a lot of resistance and it feels good, trust me. Let go you beautiful flower. People are so scared of pedophilia, or more precisely being a pedophile, lol. So scared of looking inwards and actually checking whether they're a pedophile or not. It's understandable I guess because you would lose a lot of friends and all but still it's very funny how fear blocks you from introspecting freely. I've been listening a lot to Vernon Howard lately. He's so good. Maybe you can notice from how I'm writing:p

Wow, awesome! I'm happy for You! It does indeed!

Good for you! For the sake of experience and different perspective I would very gladly go myself. Idk what to ask really. Anything you don't like there so far? If you could write up some small report afterwards or notes on what you've learned I'd be happy to read it.