Sincerity

Okay. I forgot about the trap of pet theories. Thanks for pointing it out to me. God, this work is a minefield.

Ok, I'll go deeper. I admit I can be sloppy with concepts. I like to unify them and say things like all fear is that, all X is actually Y... Then I realize I'm wrong. Making things more simple than they should be!

Ohhhh that's right actually! Or hmm. Maybe this ever-changing quality of consciousness could be understood as time? There is no time but also it's all changing... and THAT'S what "time" really refers to? Time and Timelessness as one. Eternity, hahahaha.

Ok, right. Ok. I guess that's the case. Idk, I'm really trying to tiptoe around time and not get lost in concepts... On the one hand I get that it happens in cycles but on the other hand there's nothing but NOW and a cycle implies events in the future... I'm trying to stay grounded in current experience and I feel like it's frying my mind. Well. I don't understand the relationship between change and time. I don't know yet if change is more fundamental. To me it feels synonymous to time. This "what actually creates intelligence?" questions feels very intriquing, I'll definitely contemplate that. Thanks for responding.

@Leo Gura My awakenings so far have shown me there is no God besides me. So no omniscience if I am not omniscient. Do You find that there is "God who's more awake than You"? Doesn't that imply an "other"? When I say You I mean God. Also I don't understand why You say God had to "create his omniscience" and "become intelligent". Doesn't that imply time? And again, doesn't that imply an other God? My current understanding is that this is a Fantasy/Dream and there's no "before" and "after" experiences... Or at least there's zero connection between them. Memory doesn't get transported because that would imply time and it's only THIS. Infinite Intelligence just IS and it has always been. The Fantasy of course is that Intelligence. So the crux is that You say memory/intelligence/omniscience is built across lives. And I'm doubting that. If You could clarify, I'd be grateful.

"It's... it's not that... I lost my hat. I lost my hat, lost my home, lost my people. I can't even keep darn varmints out of my pumpkin patch. I tried. I really, really tried. I just... I thought that if I shut everything out and just focused on work, it would all be okay, but look where that landed me. All I managed to do was push everyone away. I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Marceline. I've been a real dinger to you." Such vulnerability here. I lost my hat. ? Today my hate spilled onto my loved ones. I cried in a similar way to Bonnie here in my mom's arms because I was sorry. It's so dumb what I got heated about... it was LITERALLY over spilled milk... Yeah, long story short I spilled milk in the fridge and got mad at my mom that she's keeping a ton of bottles in the fridge and the milk carton has to lie horizontally and the argument started... The truth was I just wanted to fight. I feel pressure from so many sides (desires have come back, demanding college projects, sister has important exams and I want her to do well, etc.) and also there's this fucking hatred for God. FUCK. I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!! I relate so much to Bonnie's crying here. It's so human. ? Especially the hat part because it shows how a little thing breaks you when it all just gets too much. And then everything spills out. Yes, Adventure time is my comfort series. Marceline, is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world? That must be so confusing for a little girl And I know you're going to need me here with you But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy And I need to save you, but who's going to save me? Please forgive me for whatever I do When I don't remember you Poor Simon. The guy couldn't catch a break. I wonder what would be my heart's deepest desire. Probably some devilish thing - that's the only shit I know. I wish I could really redeem myself. With absolutely nothing to gain, only for its own sake. But I'm just too fucking dense for that. I wish "I" didn't want anything. Even THAT. Both the desire to "stay" and the desire to "escape" are resistance. Probably some intelligent leap would have to happen to transcend all these but it's not one I'd be capable of. To hell with all of this, man. I don't know what to do anymore. Previously I'd find pleasure in self-destruction and indulgence in toxic habits but seriously, why the fuck would I do that again. I am not the enemy, he is. But I can't do anything about him... UGHHHHHHHHHH... I know I'm rambling. But I'm running out of options. There's nothing left for me but hatred and moronic resistance which won't benefit me in the slightest, but what else do I do? Give in to this bastard? I mean theoretically I can see how that would be nice but I'd have to give up that which I'd rather keep with me. I just don't know anymore. If I could destroy the world, I would. If I could annihilate experience forever and block anything from "emerging", I would. If I could do anything to spite and hurt fucking reality itself, I would.

Dude. Be careful for God's sake! Sorry but your posts in the last days haven't felt stable. Really consult your intution whether doing 20mg of 5-MeO now feels right. It's not a race. Remember it is okay to slow down and take breaks. Please don't hurt yourself!

How do You eat an elephant? ... My point is You accept by doing it over and over again. One situation at a time.

Yesterday I reached profound levels of hatred, rage and disgust for God. It's never been so clear to me that I am the devil. I am utterly powerless against God, I have nothing on him. I can only hate him and turn my back on him, which feels idiotic to do... but I'm still doing it. Hahaha. What's most funny to me is that I've never felt so integrated. Nothing unites like a common enemy! HAHAHAHA. I hate God with all "my being"! And I've never loved myself as much. <3 See, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Potential for hatred is automatically created when You start loving something. Don't kid yourself You are above hatred. Wait until You lose that which You love most. You will curse the world and hate it all your "might". The same with fear. Even though You don't normally fear death doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of fear in You. You are not above hatred. You are not above fear of death. If You think You aren't scared of death, You haven't confronted it enough. That's my opinion. Death is not just "you" dying. Death is taking everything with "you". You might be okay with you going away, but what about leaving your dearest one? What about never experiencing the joys of this world again? What about losing all of your memories and everything here being utterly forgotten forever, like it never mattered? (Which it hasn't) Fear is always going to keep You here with some excuse unless You act swiftly on an impulse - which isn't very wise, in my view. Anyway! Until You love, You will also hate. The two sides of the coin cannot be separated. Of course there is a solution to this "conundrum", but it requires a sacrifice I am not yet willing to make. Shit. I'm feeling the hatred again. I hate him so fucking much... Ehh, swearing in my native language feels much better. But just thinking about submitting to him fills me with rage haha. Really though worst of all is I can't do shit to him. I'm not gonna hurt myself because why would I? He wouldn't care anyway and I wanna be here as long as I can. Even if I committed some atrocious crimes he would still love it. I'm so fucking powerless and it enrages me even more. I can't do nothing but hate, hate, hate this rotten bastard. No point in breaking apart my life... In getting back to my addictions... FUCK. What could I do to him that wouldn't hurt me? I fear the answer really is nothing and I don't know what to do about that... Maybe I could hate him for all my life but would that even result in a good life for me? What the hell is the point. Ughhhh. I don't know. It's like I'm the polar opposite of him. He has all the power and I have none. I wish I could destroy him. ... But even my fucking body is him! I am made of this motherfucker! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I fucking hate this... It's not fair. It's bizarre and interesting how it works tho.

I hid all the drama posts because they were derailing the thread. You wanted them to stay up because You wanted the guy to be "exposed", as You said. You wanted me to punish him more. Well, guess what - it's not your decision to make because YOU are clearly biased here. You wanted revenge. I wanted to clean the thread up and to resolve this situation through DMs. A post like "Mods fuck you. come here I will beat the shit out of you @Sincerity" will get You restricted. And calling another Mod's decision "the most idiotic thing You've ever seen" too. I texted You first, telling You to "Please don't tell people that a view is not welcome here and to gtfo. Even if it's a joke." But You couldn't acknowledge it. Yes, of course the other guy's comments were more harmful. But it doesn't matter - I messaged You about what YOU said. And I wasn't comparing or equalizing your posts to his. That was your projection. Ultimately it's none of your business how another user is dealt with and You cannot demand a Moderator does what You want. You can always PM Leo about a Mod decision but even then it's not your issue what happens to another user.

"God who already knows" is imagination. It's just You = God.

I removed derailing emotionally-charged posts from this thread.

An animal both doesn't have the concept of death and the concept of their flesh being shed apart. But I'd suggest that to fear anything is to fear death, fundamentally. Certainly not. Contemplate it deeper. Consider that these portrayals in society had to come from somewhere. Hahaha! It is not at all discovered easily that death is a belief. It is an amazing and uncommon feat to be conscious of your eternity IN DIRECT EXPERIENCE. It requires profound awakening and intelligence. You think it's easy because You're approaching it from a level of theory. You do not experientially realize You are eternal.

Death is not just cultural brainwashing. It's predominantly fear. Consider that an animal fears death too. An animal isn't brainwashed. You'd be scared of death even if You didn't have a concept of it in your mind. Fear is an infinitely intelligent mechanism which is there for great reason. Technically there isn't anything to fear, but fear still happens and no amount of logic or grasping the significance of an insight will make You go around it. To conquer death is to conquer fear. And You do it by overcoming fear. And by awakening. But before You awaken there will be walls of fear blocking You so they need to be gone through first. I think the more fear You overcome, the more You are primed for awakening (it's one factor).

Forget-me-not. My second favourite flower. Right now I have pink cloves on my desk. They're lovely. Tulips are gorgeous too. My favourite flower. I'm not a fan of roses. I think they're overrated. Receiving flowers as a boy is okay. My family knows I love them and my sister bought me some on my last birthday. I was delighted. Two weeks ago I came back from a trip and a flower from my mom was awaiting on my desk. I hadn't gotten that nice of a surprise in a while. Often times I wish certain things were different about me. I wish I read more. I wish I was more productive and hard-working. I wish I looked different. I wish I was more consistent. But it's all okay in the end. And it's fine to feel down sometimes. Ultimately I like who I am... I think I am beautiful. ... Thank You for all of it.

Short introduction. Weird things have been happening to me in the last 2 weeks. My ability to see through my thoughts, fears and lies I've been telling myself has improved greatly. I had a deep sober awakening unlike ever before with self-inquiry/contemplation alone. My baseline state has changed. I've been contemplating and meditating for hours in the last days with AMAZING results and without much of effort. But the most interesting thing to me is how fear has been throwing itself at me. Since my consciousness has increased 2 weeks ago, fears regarding various things have been testing me non stop. Can I let go of this? Can I let go of that? Could I accept this scenario? Can I see through this fear/illusion? Would I have the strength to continue living if this thing happened? I've been overcoming so many fears by seeing them for what they are and new ones keep popping every time. It's like I'm screaming NOOOOOO YOU CAN'T LET GO, WHAT ABOUT THIS, WHAT ABOUT THAT? NOOOOOO YOU'RE GONNA DIE STOPPPPP!!!! It's funny actually, it's like a game of how much I can accept. I'll also add that besides just acceptance I've also been actually DOING certain things that previously were completely impossible and out of reach for me, which has been very thrilling and freeing, but also scary obviously So anyways today I sat down in a cafe for 2,5 hours and really contemplated what is fear, existentially. Below are my 60+ suggestions. Each of them looks at fear from a different angle, many are similar to each other. I propose You contemplate for yourself what fear is from scratch, or at least think deeply why I wrote the things I wrote. If You have any questions about any of them I can elaborate. Hope this is of some use to You. Fear is resistance. Fear is resistance to God/Truth. Fear is resistance to Myself. Fear is immaturity. Fear is foolishness. Fear is asleepness. Fear is confusion. Fear is attachment. Fear is finitude. Fear is rejection of God. Fear is unacceptance. Fear is duality. Fear is weakness. Fear is limitedness. Fear is falsehood. Fear is all talk and no bite. Fear is clinging. Fear is will to survive. Fear is illusion. Fear is evil. Fear is selfishness. Fear is egotism. Fear is defense of illusions. Fear is blockage. Fear is anguish. Fear is insanity. Fear is imbalance. Fear is roughness. Fear is nightmares. Fear is monsters under the bed. Fear is identity. Fear is fighting. Fear is fighting for control. Fear is fighting for stability. Fear is fighting for security. Fear is fighting for status quo. Fear is maintenance of boundaries. Fear is divison. Fear is lack of perspective. Fear is tension. Fear is contraction. Fear is uneasyness. Fear is difficulty. Fear is pressure. Fear is perturbation. Fear is agitation. Fear is disturbance. Fear is repression. Fear is not understanding. Fear is seeing "danger". Fear is appearances. Fear is imagination. Fear is bias/preference. Fear is fantasy. Fear is images of the past/future. Fear is mental projections. Fear is backlash. Fear is stubbornness. Fear is slavery. Fear is suffering. Fear is the devil. Fear is "me". Some crucial insights to understand the stuff above are that A) You cannot die because You are God, B) There is nothing "real" behind fear, again You literally cannot die and C) If You had absolutely no fear, You'd be completely One as God. Fear is what's holding You back, but why is it so? Why fear anything? Well, it's lack of perspective I guess. I created an additional list of things that are basically fear or stem from fear. This list may not be exhaustive because I mostly focused on the what is fear list, but it may still be useful, so here You go: Shame is fear. Hate is fear. Evil is fear. Distraction is fear. Getting lost in fantasies is fear. Indecisiveness is fear. Attachment is fear. Procrastination is fear. Tension is fear. Lashing out is fear. Fighting is fear. Holding grudges is fear. Avoidance is fear. Emotional blockage is fear. Unforgiveness is fear. Aggresiveness is fear. Violence is fear. Stagnation is fear. Stress is fear. Denial is fear. Addiction is fear. Numbing myself is fear. Clinging is fear. Nervousness is fear. Paranoia is fear. Lying is fear. Secrecy is fear. Hiding is fear. Concealing is fear. Dishonesty is fear. Insincerity is fear. Fakeness is fear. Not taking responsibility is fear. Limiting beliefs are fear. Inhibitions are fear. Craving is fear. And finally, the absolutely most important thing is to notice and observe fear in your DIRECT EXPERIENCE. Not just think about it intellectually. One great list You can make is answering the question "What do I do when I am scared?". This includes all your centers - physical, mental, emotional, and the sex center. Credits to Vernon Howard for this (May 2000 monthly lesson). Here is my personal list answering this question. I start to panic. I get tense. I get unconscious and get into flight mode. I distract myself with food/content. I talk fast, sometimes with voice trembling, repeating myself. I freeze and halt action for a while. I bite my lips, fingers nervously. I tap my feet or fingers anxiously. I walk endlessly. I walk faster than normal. I feel pressure from all sides, contracting. I beat around the bush, avoid the core issue. I try to get away from the problem. I procrastinate. I overthink, just think and think compulsively. I close off my body (hands crossed, etc.) So that's all. I invite You all to contemplate fear with me. Feel free to comment and share your own observations and insights. Peace!

Keep your mind open.

...And there is no one but You. You're strong, You've made it far. Such a commitment is a great one to make. Good luck with it! ?

@Rahra You are God. ?

I think if You ever have any fear about anything, it's a clear sign You are afraid of death. Don't know if You're scared of dying? Try approaching a woman. Try bungee jumping. Try going out in front of a crowd. Try saying what You really think. Etc. I think when You really dig into fear You'll discover it always feel like You're going to die. At least that's how it feels to me.

Well, I'm just a guy. I can get too confident sometimes, but ultimately I comprehend little. I doubt myself often. Yet I will also trust my understanding more than others, including teachers. There's a balance to strike. Nevertheless, understanding feels very elusive and I'm pretty sure not many people actually comprehend what it is. I'm starting to think it may be because it really is somehow related to consciousness/being (I mean true experiential understanding, not theoretical) but I dunno yet.

Thank You for responding! I must further contemplate what is understanding because I'm struggling to wrap my mind around it.

Love this. Kudos to You @Noahsteelers34.

I'd no longer say there's anything false about fear. It's a BRILLIANT mechanism which You will never stop encountering. It is what it is. Don't be so sure friend. I call bs on everyone that says they don't fear death. They're lying - mostly to themselves. They didn't face their death deeply enough. Fear literally goes to infinity. It's just that often times You don't feel it and it's not on the surface, so it's easy to delude oneself.

Fear happens when it happens. It's Infinite Intelligence. An utterly ingenious mechanism. And it goes to infinity, for the greatest reason of all - Love.