Think Leo

Hello everyone, hope you're all doing well in your own ways. I come from a very conservative country and a very conservative family. I'm 30 years old, male. After I graduated from my college (not a big one), I did some freelancing (building websites, graphic design) here and there and earned some money to survive. After sometime, all the depression, PARENTAL ALIENATION, heartbreaks, and all the ugly things that were suppressed over the years exploded, and I went to severe depression, spent almost all my petty money to treat myself. Now I'm feeling a bit okay and I want to make a career in programming. Now, as we have so many technologies, I'm struggling hard to learn everything and to make myself employable. Along with that, my eyesight is getting worse and worse day by day. Since all these years, I didn't have any socials, real life friends or mentors. What I just did was to find solutions online with different pseudonyms and coping up somehow. I only got money to survive for 3 months and to get a job. Lately I'm trying to code every day and trying to speak up in some Clubhouse groups (to practice how to speak). I noticed that I can't handle bullshit from people and someone criticizing me without reason, when someone does that all my trauma comes back, whether it breaks me or make me angry and the most dangerous thing is, it punches me down which could hinder my coding journey. How could I service in the society if I'm like this? Have had suicidal thoughts countless times, but again getting back up somehow. Some of you might say, "I have to stay calm, work on my anger, socialize, open up, meditate" etc. But, my condition is more complex that, living in a third world country, conservative family, years of gaslighting, lost track of the past, I'm almost broke and what not. I can't even have bigger aspirations in life.

I know that. But do you have any idea about how to scale it? Meditation can give oneself the sense of timelessness, but moving away from that, when one's involved in other mundane activities. With more and more meditation, it gives the sense of serene calmness inside, which in turn helps in productivity, but my question was more related to the concept of TIME itself. The consciousness of time.

How do I experience time moving slow for me? I know the scientific ways, but I can't afford that. Is there another way?

Hello everybody, this is my first post here. You can already see the topic, but I'll try to add couple more insights. In a social perspective, we have way too less systemic thinkers, and most of the intelligentia (as per the liberals' claim) derives their (constructs) rationality from liberal media. Well, the general notion is most of the conservative media propagates narratives based on the political interests (not saying liberals are straight A), & liberals makes more sense when it comes to policy decisions. If right wants to set a narrative of Psychedelics, it's easy for them to convince most people (probably youngsters, not sure about the boomers), but if the liberal media does it, it does it in a way where the so called intelligentia would start to think that it's 'rational'. I'm also curious to know what do you think about the media control that 'liberal' side has, and the way how they propagate it as rational and 'always' reflects the best interest of a country and its citizens. Thank you all in advance.