UpperMaster

I got to start thinking for myself. I got to stop fearing being wrong. I end up adopting the beliefs and view points of others. I realise that when you adopt other people’s beliefs, you start living their life. You adopt their lens from which they see reality.

I've been trying to get a job. I applied to 5 dishwashing jobs. I'm thinking of developing my sales skill instead and get into sales.

Last few days I’ve been implementing a new tactic that seems to be helping become much more effective than before. I started to leverage my OCD or neuroticism. What I basically did was I made myself obsessive compulsive around the idea of doing things perfectly (perfectionism) to various degrease and found that it yielded a huge improvement in my productivity. Like seriously. I was super motivated. The cons of this was that you don’t feel relaxed ever. I’m going to keep trying to improve my productivity this way, and see if I can implement it in a more sustainable manner.

Im almost posted the following message two nights ago because I was certain this is what I wanted to do, I’m posting again in order to document the process. Here I’m underscoring the conviction I felt one night I guess. The next day (the following two days, I still felt the conviction but it was clear that the initial conviction I felt was like a momentary impulse sort of thing) : I’m going to start the music career that I always wanted to. It’s now or never. This is the chance. I want this more than anything. Failing the year has really fuelled my hunger for success. I’m scared. Scared of missing out. Scared of making the wrong decision. In the midst of all this fear, I know that I want this the most. I want to pursue rap. I’m good at it. I have the talent. I’ll give it ago for the next 5 years, till the age of 25. It’s probably seems like a random impulse decision to anyone reading this. It isn’t. This is something I wanted to do from childhood, but now I’m sure. My failure experience, has somewhat directed me to what’s important. I want this. It’s clear that in order for me to have this dream achieved I need to go all out. I must sacrifice everything for this. Now it’s clear that I am willing to do it. Let’s go world-wide. Metaphysical truth will take a back pedal.

I’ll kill myself if J don’t become an over-achiever by 25

Am I being a good person because I‘m weak and can’t cause harm or because I am genuinely a good person . heard this idea from Jordan Peterson but it didn’t click until today. I might just be a good person because I can’t cause harm.

This is more of just a reminder, Leo promised these episodes on the Psychology of being wrong video. Super super interesting concepts. Time stamp: 2:23:53

Leo on being positive early on in self-development journey Go to time 2:20:55

When I smoke weed and close my eyes I see patterns

I'm going to try to be more positive moving on. Being overly positive and deluding yourself with falsehood isn't good, but the opposite could happen too. I think my pessimistic attitude is a bit extreme, I tend to be overly pessimistic which is also deluding yourself with falsehood. I will try to be much more positive going forward and report changes I feel.

Difference between really wanting something and wanting something Despite my ADHD. Last year I lost 10kg in a span of a month. Why? I wanted to lose weight for a girl. I had a crush on this specific girl. For me liking someone like that is actually quite rare. When do like someone, I really like them. This girl is probably the most desire I ever felt ngl. I mean I never wanted anything more ty shi. Low-key weird but whatever it's anonymous and it's the forum so idc. I wanted this girl so much, I was ready to fear monger myself into losing weight. I said to myself if I don't lose this wait, I can't get this girl. Even if logically me losing the weight wouldn't have a huge impact on my ability to get the girl, I genuinely believed it. It was crazy, I tracked my calories and lost the weight (I don't recommend this high level of weightloss, I stopped getting boners it was a real bummer dawg). Point is, I wanted something so bad, it didn't matter what the price to pay for it for is. Even if I have ADHD, if I want it enough, I would probably do the actions required to get it. The ADHD probably just makes the threshold higher (threshold for how much I want something before I actually do something about it.)

ADHD Cure -- My call with Forum member (also additionally some advice on dating) I am grateful for the members of this forum. Last week I had a three hour call with a forum member discussing a problem I was going through. I deeply suspect that I have a form of ADHD, as the experience that I share is very similar to the experience ADHDers complain about. I also started a thread in the forum because I was getting quite desperate. To gain more clarity around my situation I contacted a friend on this forum to help me out, as I felt as if my ADHD was effecting my life deeply and I didn't know what to do. The gist of my issue was the following: "I have all the symptoms of ADHD, I feel like I have ADHD, one of the only effective strategies I found to motivate myself is by fear mongering myself, and my life is not improving nearly as much as I want to I am literally failing a grade please help me. Should I go to psychiatrist, possibly get prescribed? Should I perform chelation?" Ok so the call was very good. To summarize we decided that going to the psychiatrist and getting prescribed is an option but should be considered only after trying to fix my problem on my own. He elaborated on the idea that small things could affect my productivity and focus quite a lot, and I should first focus on making sure that I am drinking enough water, eating enough calories etc. Then we talked about bigger changes that I could implement. Here's a list: Sleep well (White noise for tinnitus) (Magnesium supplements) Drink Enough Water Eat enough food It's completely normal to want to move every 30 minutes, sitting down and working for hours on end is not something our biology is not intended for. Exercise once per day Check for Allergies Maybe a form of multitasking could work me specifically Dopamine Detox Meditation Nootropics (specifically modafinil) Heavy Metals Chelation Breathing We talked in detail on each one of them. I already tried everything before the call except Nootropics, Heavy Metals and breathing exercises . I couldn't stick to dopamine detox or meditation consistently so that could be the fix to my issue aswell. He recomended me to do one thing at a time. He also told me that implementing something like dopamine detox should take several months, and effectiveness should be judged only after dopamine detoxing for several months. I really want to do dopamine detox but I don't even have the confidence to try because of the amount of time I tried and failed to abstain from consuming social media. Like I cant say it's ineffective because I never properly implemented it, but I cant seem to ever be able to properly implement it. After discussing this we touched on dating. I told him about some of my blackball beliefs and he asked me to completely turn off blackpill content. He told me that unless you look like a Gremlin, looks don't matter as much. He shared with me his experience doing PUA, he told me that his wing was a dark skinned 150 centimeter guy and that he used to pull way more than him. I was low-key shocked, and hope he was telling the truth. I have seen not conventionally attractive guys get laid in real life aswell. We'll see, I'll explore dating on my more too. I think this part of the convo was really cool.

Reminder to self - don't forget to write about living with open heart aswell. Edit: Nevermind

Topics I should cover for this journal (Note to self so I don't forget) 1. ADHD cure -- My call with forum member (also additionally some advice on dating) 2. Difference between really wanting something and wanting something

I dropped my next test because I couldn't be asked

@Thought Art that's absolutley sick!!!

time to move to midwest

@Realms of Wonder Thank you for sharing.

In the video "The Avoidance Of Truth - Why You Fear Truth", Leo says that if he was completely real with himself on how much work it would take for him to achieve success in many of the sub domains in life like dating or business, he wouldn't do it (because it is way more than expected). He then admits that lies, and not facing truth is useful for success, and in the beginning you must be over-optimistic. I'm so confused on where to draw the line between when it's okay to lie to yourself, how to do so correctly for the sake of progress? More and more I'm realising how different your mindset should be when beginning to self-actualising vs later on in your journey.

@Keryo Koffa Thank you for your well written response. I have neglected many actualized.org videos as I currently feel that Im not at that stage yet, I'll get there soon hopefully. Yea it's becoming increasingly clear to me, especially after reading your post that I should study how my ego justifies certain world views. I am currently getting into issues of paradigm lock because I am only now learning more about the world and different idealogies. Damn, paradigm lock..I'll watch this video soon.

So many things have happened recently, I will cover main lessons one by one after my exam. One thing I do want to write about today is how my initial vision for this journal is unrealistic. I thought that this journal could be a way to show my journey detailing all the ups and downs, and show myself and other people that this process is very human and messy. That its not a linear progression. I don't think I can do that anymore, because there are so many insights and lessons that I learn, it's very difficult to keep track real time. Another thing is that technically I've started this journey years ago, so this journal paints a false image of where I currently stand. That said, I will still write the way I did till now. Just jot down thoughts. But I do want to remind myself that there is way more going behind the scenes (for when I read the journal later).

What does that mean bro? Ego-defense mechanism paradigm lock

Fair guys, so most of you don't believe in lying to yourself in any circumstance

@Realms of Wonder yea so its like almost a way to see how much you want a thing or not

I am literally just as lazy, my mom helped me through highschool. It's horrible to not achieve results, I feel you there really. Failure has caused me so much so much pain, but bro, I don't think its enough to consider suicide.