UpperMaster

So many things have happened recently, I will cover main lessons one by one after my exam. One thing I do want to write about today is how my initial vision for this journal is unrealistic. I thought that this journal could be a way to show my journey detailing all the ups and downs, and show myself and other people that this process is very human and messy. That its not a linear progression. I don't think I can do that anymore, because there are so many insights and lessons that I learn, it's very difficult to keep track real time. Another thing is that technically I've started this journey years ago, so this journal paints a false image of where I currently stand. That said, I will still write the way I did till now. Just jot down thoughts. But I do want to remind myself that there is way more going behind the scenes (for when I read the journal later).

What does that mean bro? Ego-defense mechanism paradigm lock

Fair guys, so most of you don't believe in lying to yourself in any circumstance

@Realms of Wonder yea so its like almost a way to see how much you want a thing or not

I am literally just as lazy, my mom helped me through highschool. It's horrible to not achieve results, I feel you there really. Failure has caused me so much so much pain, but bro, I don't think its enough to consider suicide.

@Husseinisdoingfine Big bro, I failed 1st year uni now, there's a lot of people that change their majors. I am also somewhat depressed at my lacklustre results trust me, but I don't think you should throw your life away. Imagine if you followed sociology or some other thing and life becomes amazing. Like bro, I am very stubborn aswell, but your whole life bro, all that potential you may have bro. We in this together, lets make something off our lives innit. You articulate yourself well man, I think its clear your smart enough to be achieve success. I am almost certain you are capable.

@mmKay thanks bud

I just failed my first year of university. It sucks really. I relate a lot to your experiences taking tests, studying for tests and not doing as well in the exam. I've had that happened to me so many times I am so fed up with myself. I can't give you advice on how to find success in your life because I don't really have much achievement myself. Whenever I feel down, I really think about the ideas talked about here on actualized, I see how much potential it can have in changing my life and the whole world. I recognise how many people can't even try to get towards truth. I recognise this and I sit in gratitude, gratitude that I have a chance to go through this journey of truth seeking. It's really hard for me to write this cuz bro I can imagine there are probably other parts of your life that have led you to make this decision. I don't want to seem invalidating, or say any of this your dealing with is easy. That said Sociology isn't a bad choice. I hear a lot of people shitting on the humanities, sure it won't get you a degree that will lead to an immediate salary but it teaches you to think well. Sociology is also easier than physics so I can imagine you'll have more time to develop a skill that will earn you money, even find some good quality friends and social life (which in my opinion makes a difference). I really hope and pray that you chose to continue your life and create a great life for yourself despite the challenges.

@NoSelfSelf Is optimism lying to some extent. Like you are blocking out all negativity, even if its true no.

Today is my best friends, birthday. I wrote a letter for him and sent it at 12 am. He is a very good friend of mine, I hope is has a great year and life. I ordered a DNA test for him a few days ago as his birthday present. I remember not long before, we talked about DNA tests and I guaranteed to him that if he took it he would be at least 4 percent Afghani (he is Persian, and Persian people don't like Afghanis), and he was like hell naw. We bet 4k ahahahaha. So yea I'll be collecting money after he takes this test. I attached a map of Iran and Afghanistan, you'll see there in the same place so no way he doesnt have Afghani in him. Anyway so that and I watched half a video on why we avoid truth. It's very difficult for me to understand when Im avoiding truth or not, sometimes it's obvious but I want to get better at it. He says something very interesting though, that if he knew how much work it would take to get success in business or in dating, he wouldn't do the work. ahahaha. So he admits that he had to not face that truth, or lie to himself on what is required to get him started. For me thats fascinating. but I really want to know when to lie to yourself and when not to. Thats why I asked a forum question today. Other than that Il try to pass the next exam, either way I am failing the year but I only need to repeat the subjects I failed so if I pass the next exam it will be better. Anyway back to work I guess.

How many people in this forum question Leo? I want to be one of them. I don't want Dogma. I remember the first time I saw how delusional mass amount of people can be is when I read actualized.org haters, it's like they never even opened a fucking video to see the lessons and depth. They don't even do the basic research. If thats how the masses operate to find truth than I can't trust the masses, I have to find truth for myself.

I just realised I was going to adopt and force a full on blackpill ideology because it allowed me to live a certain way which seemed appealing, like a sort of fantasy. Trying to align with truth is so hard, it's like you sacrifice happiness for it. It's so hard to align with truth no matter the emotional cost. I want to know what's really going on in the world, not yet in the metaphysical (I will get there), but in normal human everyday life. Fuck it, I guess I just won't be happy then.

I took one of the exams today, I did so badly, its confirmed. I failed. Im failing the year. Fuck I got to repeat it. I don't know what to think about it honestly. I've been getting back into blackpill lately, I really don't like how I was avoiding it, I was scared of it being true, and I was using actualised.org as hope for it not to be true. I don't like how I was scared of truth and so was unable to properly explore this perspective. I think I'm slowly getting into it. This is my journey, I'll try to find truth, I'll explore different perspectives. Blackpill YouTubers do have some points. I really started to dislike false hope. Blackpill ideology is still an ideology however, I am aware of that. There are clear ideological aspects of blackpill, which I don't like. But I will try not to be afraid of adopting ideas from the blackpill if they have truth in them. Anyway yea so I pulled an all-nighter yesterday and I fucked up the test today, I can't sleep right now I'm pretty depressed. It is what it is.

Hey everyone, I’m really struggling and could use some advice or direction. For as long as I can remember, I've had a hard time focusing. In high school, it was a mess, I was struggling to get through. Now, in university, it’s still hard. I’ve tried so many things to be productive, like motivating myself with fear (which is super harsh on me), but nothing seems to stick long term. I’m constantly feeling like I’m trying so hard but getting nowhere, and it's really messing with my confidence. On top of that, I’m super impulsive. When I get angry, I sometimes break things, which just makes me feel even worse afterward. I know it’s not healthy, and I need to get this under control, but I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been thinking it might be ADHD, but I really don’t want to self-diagnose and end up relying on medication if that’s not the real issue. On the other hand, when a lot of ADHDers describe how they feel, it feels exactly the same. A battle uphill. It’s also crossed my mind that this could be something else entirely, like heavy metal poisoning or some other underlying cause. But how do I even know the difference, I can get tested but that takes money and time, so does getting professional help for ADHD. What should I start with? I’m looking for advice on how to find the right professional help or resources that could point me in the right direction. I need a real plan of action that works, not just more tips on organizing my life. How do I get proper professional help? Should I first check for heavy metals or go to a professional? How do I make sure im not mis-diagnosed? I don't want to take meds unnecessarily. What should I do in the mean time? Any useful websites or forums you know dedicated with ADHD? Please help, I would appreciate it.

@Leo Gura Awesome Im 19 and have it pretty much my whole life. When I was 16 it got pretty bad, then it got better. I went to doctor and everything, they didn't help it, I just got a hearing test and I was good but damn there really weren't any cure. If it's seriously a cure I would be amazed, I don't know how silence sounds. I was pretty desperate for cure or smth back then.

@Realms of Wonder Thats super awesome, some questions if you don't mind me asking: What would your current more mature self say to your 19 year old self? Also, how much of maturing process do you think just comes with age?

I'm panicking and procrastinating. I watched this video. Here he talks about how doubting yourself is normal, and having anxiety about whether you ahiceve the goal or not is completely normal.Even billionaires have this fear. He also explains also how riding highs and lows are important, but during the lows to have a list of successes you can remind yourself of. Sort of like David Goggin's cookie jar. Anyway, now Im going to embrace the anxiety I have and maybe that will be conducive to work.

Oh I do remember this one time I was super motivated ans basically lost 10 killos in 3 weeks, and thats when I liked this girl. I don't think I ever wanted something more in life ahahaha. Maybe I just don't want it enough and it's not ADHD. or maybe if you want something enough, it doesnt matter how much ADHD you have. But even then I mean, I wanted her so bad I basically fear mongered myself to work so...mhmmm idk

Realised how important money is. Money actually moves things. Money makes things happen. I was born pretty well off, was oblivious to how important it is. Its fucking important.

Alright yesterday didn't accomplish everything as planned, I will try another strategy again. I don't even know why I bother trying but honestly I have nothing better to do. This time I will use another strategy, I don't think I tried this in particular. The idea is this: I know that I can only work productively for a certain amount of time until I become unproductive. So I will use that as motivation and urgency. I will recognise that me procrastinating basically wasting the only time I have where my mind will be productive. After this productive timeframe, eventually no matter how much I try productivity becomes harder. Ok so I will try this out now.

@Raze This is something I really want to do. I tried many many many times I tell you but I failed. Maybe you can help me here: I relapse back into social media because without it I actually start thinking some horrible thoughts, which fucks my mental. Like it's hard to get through that, I start overthinking and ruminating about problems that aren't even that big of a deal, this becomes painful and then I relapse.

@Human Mint The teachers are fine is my school. The education is actually really good. I am interested in the subjects, it's just that I struggle with standardised tests, presentations for me a very easy. Standardised tests are hard asf, cramming for them seems impossible, and even if I know the knowledge many times I don't apply it well in the test. I know ADHD is overdiognosed, I don't want to fall in that trap.

@Ulax thanks dude!

@Ulax Yea I know, appreciate the help regardless really.

@Sho fio Exercise and any techniques have minimal effect. The main thing I found that works is severely fear mongering myself to work which is something I cant get myself to do all the time. Also it's not to say I cant work at all, it varies, but its a gamble every time. I have to rely on motivation, building discipline hasn't worked.