UpperMaster

I wish I wasn't so hurt. My goal in life is to create the most engaging life possible. But whenever I get hurt or get triggered, I get back the feelings from when I was younger. It's so intense, so painful, so bitter so angry. And it's like nothing else matters in the world. And idk what to do about it I feel so fucking hurt, and I feel like dedicating time to play out all my vengeance fantasies. The feelings are so extreme, I feel so emotionally violated. I wish I wasn't hurt.

Male 19. First year university (currently taking reseat exams). I'm honestly afraid I might fail the year. I want to self-actualise. This is my journal as a reminder of my growth. Many problems and issues on my mind but right now, but quite honestly my biggest hurdle is my ability to work. I've grown convinced that there is actually something biologically wrong with me. I used be the smartest in my class in middle school, I would study for exams right before the test. After COVID, my capacity to concentrate is complete dogshit. I'm a horrible results maker. My parents have pointed this out to me in numerous occasions. They can't believe how poorly I turned out, as growing up I seemed productive, but right now I'm struggling to get by in life. I already tried all the techniques to improve my work ethic and focus. I've contemplated and designed models of motivation that I could use to get myself to work. I tried brainwashing myself to think that inaction would lead to a horrific event, to fear monger myself to work. This is the only thing that got me results, but its with huge expense. Right now the only thing that works for me is putting myself in a mental state where I think I am in competition with everyone. It's this deeply egoic, dog-eat-dog mentality thats most defenitly toxic. I hesitated to keep myself in this state of mind for two reasons: 1. I become dysfunctional in other areas of life that don't involve material success like family. 2. I can't turn it on or turn it off. 3. I'm constantly stressed, it's a constant fight or flight. Like I legitamatley don't enjoy life anymore. However this mental state seems to be extremely effective in getting things done, I can work 6 hours a day on a task, with high intensity. Otherwise I can barely work 30 minutes with very low intensity. I need to be able to work or I'll remain a failure. I also don't want to waste my life away feeling like shit. I feel trapped. It is possible that I might have some heavy metal poisoning. It can explain my inability to sleep great, inability to focus and work etc. It is completely not normal for me to struggle this much to work . I don't want to become a psychopathic neurotic monster just to be able to get some work done. Other people seem to work so easily. I know for a fact that "not wanting it enough" is not a problem. My success is pretty much all I think about, and I feel a lot of pain as I feel as though I am unable to progress in life no matter what I do.

I think there were many times when many people here including me simply adopt Leo opinions on things, I think thats conformity. We are comforting to Leo worldview, and it only gets corrected when Leo corrects himself and then your like "oh shit why didn't I question this myself".

Fighting

idk if this is mentioned on the video but TRT, and gym culture in general is so conformist omfg. I realized this and was like damn. Don't know a single person that isn't going or hasn't at some point tried to take the gym seriously. But also most people I know aren't in the best shape. It's just conformity, people don't even like doing it nor are they consistent enough to get results

I am trying to work 12 hours a day now. How I plan to do this is have two 6 hour sessions each 6 hour session would be for different subjects. Today I worked for only 7 hours. I'll get there. The minimum amount of work I said I could do is two 3 hour sessions, so its not horrible but I want to do 12 hours total which is hard.

Stages of viewing responsibility Victim —> Creator —> Acceptance Why is blame never okay: Never blame people things or situations. It's a low consciousness behavior that is usually created by the ego to feel better. You are making a distinction between good and evil. It's a false distinction created in your mind (relative, subjective). It allows you to say "I am the righteous one" and that thing over there is "evil”. Responsibility: You are the cause and can control an outcome of a situation Take 100% responsibility, because if you don’t your mind will conveniently hide reasons or ways you’ve contributed or caused an outcome. It is better to take over-responsibility rather than under-responsibility. If you take under-responsibility you will be permanently stuck. How to take 100% responsibility in your life: Recognize that you effectively co-create or fully cause every situation in your life. Commit to never blaming anyone or anything in your life. This is the solution to being a victim. You can control your interpretations of reality: When a negative event happens, you can chose to interpret it in the most powerful way. Acknowledge that your response to a situation is the thing that matters most, and not the negative event. People get hung up on past even and somehow use it to justify how their limited now. When you take responsibility for the now, then you’re always ensuring to pick the most resourceful response. When you’re looking at a challenge, you can frame it in terms of sacrifice. It’s not: Fuck this exam, the school system is so boring and hard these days, it’s hard for anyone to study. (blame) It’s: Whether or not I am ready to sacrifice the extra effort to pass this exam. Nothing wrong with choosing yes or no, but its my responsibility to chose. (responsibility through sacrifice framing)

There are so many video games I want to play. I played 10 min of Plague Tale Requiem and was blown I way. Then I was like shoot I gotta play innocence first. It's on discount I can get it for really cheap because it's Black Friday. But fuck, idk if Il have time to play it. I am spending my whole day tryna get myself to a decent level in life, and I feel like I already have too much to balance on my plate. I don't really nor like to do anything for enjoyment I'll be real, everything I do is just to increase the likely hood for success. The thing is, idk if I am even doing the right things for success. Right now I am focusing on getting to baseline. For me baseline level of success is Learn a specific language I need to know Have some income Be in healthy shape Be psychologically stable Have had some experiences with women Manage school (I am accomplishing this now) And I feel like maybe I should focus on getting money first, because it will act as huge leverage to achieving all the other goals. But at the same time, I am not in a position where I NEED money to achieve all the other goals, because I am financially taken care of by parents to an extent. So maybe thats just an excuse.

I went out with a girl recently. I had 2 dates with her. First date, I wasn't feeling her to much. Second date was great, we kissed a couple times. Apparently I kiss platonically lmao. I told her I didnt want anything serious. I felt like she liked me a lot. Today we planned out 3rd date, but she wants a relationship, she doesn't want to just have fun. So now its completely off. I hope I made the right decision, she was pretty hot, and really kind. Kinda hurts still. I didn't tell any of my friends about this. I wanted to keep my dating life lowkey, because I felt like they would influence me on this matter too much. The second date with her was the best date I've been on. I made sure I could experience the potential relationship I would have without any outside influence and ability to be completely vulnerable. I'll be honest, I am kind of having a reflex reaction. Idk if it's just related to this but I feel in desperate need of success again. Success here is defined as so much better than other people, they feel ashamed about themselves. I feel like I am deprived of success everyday, I want it more and more, but when smth like this happens it hits me tenfold.

Up to now all my midterms went well. I got the highest grades in the class apart from Mathematics..which I still performed above the mean (but still like only 30 percent lmao). Also..great news..amazing news..I found an alternative way to motivate and discipline myself!! I set an input goal, for example, working four hours a day on a specific task. Then I stick to those four hours. Whenever I need to start or feel low on motivation, I remind myself that I want to work without relying on unhealthy or harmful tactics (like the ritual I used to do). I tell myself, “If I skip the work, it means that I cam not disciplined and can't perform without the ritual,” and that pushes me to get started. I train my brain to get motivated whenever I think this sentence, and now it just works. The reason this works I believe is because of two things: The pain is immediate. The consequence is immediate and not in the future. Me failing to working is demonstration that I am undisciplined and insinuates that I can't be disciplined without phsychologically harmful topics. I train my mind to react to the the thought better. I train my mind to find it more motivating. Another thing, I focus a lot on being 100 percent intense when studying or working. Thats the most important thing. It's more important than how long you study. Intensity is what I found makes the biggest difference. 4 hours studying intensely is super different from 4 hours of regular medium intensity. You literally cover twice the amount I feel. And I love working in max intensity it's so exhilarating.

Yesterday I wrote a math midterm. I knew everything. It was piss easy. But I fucked it all up. I panicked, got the wrong answer, then I rushed through the rest. I fucked up the derivatives in the second question. This feels like my biggest failure. I worked so hard. I know everything. I get all the points on homeworks, class is easy because I know everything. But in the test I fuck up. Damn. I am considering using the toxic motivation to reach my goals again. I don't want to half ass my progress. I am so desperate.

So excited about all this, I am so interested on how language plays a role in all of this.

Hair loss has been fucking with me. I still have hair. And I look pretty good facially, but my hair is essential to my looks. My mother has been complaining to be about shedding, and I know I gotta do smth about this. Fuck man.

To be better than everyone else.

I feel pretty shitty about the fact that my worth ethic is not the same as before. My efficacy of work was insane, I can easily be successful if I keep using that "unhealthy" form of motivation, now my work efficacy is less than half of what it used to be. I miss it so much. idk what to do, I honestly feel like I am back at square zero. Really sucks. It's hard for me to just trust the process, I want work efficacy now, thats like the least I need. I want discipline now, I want to march forward, I have a window in my life that I can use to grind my way to the top and I am not able to. Sucks. Sucks so bad. I guess maybe I have to start meditating again. I sometimes under-estimate how easy it is to lose hope, I sometimes don't realize that a lot of people actually do lose hope. I don't want to lose hope I want to move forward. I have exams now, and I am unable to study efficiently. I pray all goes well.

It’s been a month since I last wrote anything here. I want to start with my therapy session and how it helped with some OCD-related stuff. I told her about the unhealthy mindset I’d slipped into and the recent mental spiral I had. I’m not going to re-explain the whole situation again since I already wrote about it before. What stood out was that she didn’t focus on the OCD trigger itself, but on the fear behind it. In my case, it was the idea that a certain rival might end up being luckier than me. She asked, “If you look at the entire world’s population, is it really unrealistic that some people will be luckier than you?” I said, “Yeah, that makes sense.” Then she explained, “So even if your rival happens to be one of those people, it’s not actually a big deal. They’re just one person among billions.” That really took the pressure off. If I didn’t specifically know who this rival was, I probably wouldn’t care at all. So the real shift came from reframing how I was thinking about it. Basically, I just needed to see the situation in a different light. After my session, I focused on trying to find another source of motivation so I can maintain the insane levels of motivation I had prior. It's better than before, but now a struggle again. Working 6 hours a day for 30 days has certainly rewired my brain to where it is easier to work longer. I don't really feel like ADHD anymore. But Its difficult to consistently stay motivated to work 6 hours a day. I am however approaching a state of desperation for success, which is driving me to an extent, but not enough. Today I worked a total of 5 and a half hours, I will probably work half an hour more. But out of the 5 hours I studied only 3 for my exam, I wanted to study 6 exclusively for exam. I want to put in 12-13 hour days. I think it's more doable now, I am not that intimidated by it. I think once I worked 6 hours and spent like 7 hours in class so that's 13 hours, and I remember I felt pretty good. And the work is serious work not shitty shallow work. High intensity work. So yea, I've been improving. Hope I get there soon.

cool.

Hey guys. Pretty much a yes or no. Haven't been using instagram for months now. I go out the other day, and ask a girl for phone number, she gave me her instagram but it was of no use. I downloaded instagram again. Hate it. Zaps away your attention like crazy. And I couldn't care less about other peoples lives. I loved the fact that people couldn't send me reels that I was obligated to watch. Also it's so fucking stupid how people spend their whole day curating their page. I hate the fact then when I posted stories I would care who saw it. This app is so stupid. But if its neccecary in this day and age for dating then Im not sure. Is it worth keeping it? As in, is it needed for results?

Thanks for the post, I realized from this that I might be constantly falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations. Listening to the video now.

University started again. Women and lack of dating has become a significant pain-point for me. It's actually getting very painful. I really really want intimacy. I really feel it to my core. I don't just want sex, my end goal is to have a relationship I am fulfilled with. I'm genuinely getting slightly frustrated, no lie.

First, I want to reflect on how I handled my OCD situation. For a some time, I believed I’d have less luck than my rival for an entire year, but eventually I realized I needed to find a way to manage this superstitious OCD. What became clear to me is that you can’t actually disprove superstitious OCD to yourself. That’s because OCD isn’t rooted in logic, it’s emotional. Even if I made a “deal” with the universe and it didn’t come true, technically that should disprove it, right? But no, my mind would just find some way to justify why that particular deal didn’t count. Knowing this, I tried a different approach. I made another deal with the universe: if I drink more than 250ml of water, I’ll have good luck for the next year. That way, no matter what happens with my rival’s luck, I’ll still have amazing luck. After that, my strategy was to let this whole mess go. Honestly, I don’t even know if I failed the previous ritual agreement, so maybe my rival won’t actually be luckier than me anyway. But either way, I’ve made this new deal, and now I can finally move on and leave it behind.

Thanks for the responses. I decided to not have it for now. I am sure there is a strategy to game girls using social media, Il just try optimizing everything else, as I really dislike using instagram etc. Your responses have helped. Appreciate it. I just wanted to make sure it was a "Must Have"

@bazera I'll look into it. I am on Iphone. Do you think that instagram has helped you actually get women? Or is it completely secondary and doesn't matter at all. Because if its secondary I much rather just not have it all. Thanks for the reply bro

this is such an inspiring thread

Bro half the time I try to get on the website there’s an error now. The forum is valuable to me so I still go on. but yea like this might actually deter potential new members from joining.