UpperMaster

University

idk maybe better be safe than sorry. If he goes to Joes podcast, it has to be perfect, as in Leo probably has to prepare tirelessly. This is will be one of his more viewed pieces of work instantly. Its fucked, cuz if I see him on podcast I'd be so psyched, fuuuuck man, but if not integrity then it means fuckall

idk if going on Rogan's podcast is a good idea. It seriously might be, but being intellectually integrous is so fucking important to me. Chasing quick fame isn’t worth it if the consequences don’t align. Going on Joe’s podcast would give Leo the kind of reach he might naturally build over the next 10 years, but instantly. That’s a huge time-saver. Still, as Leo mentioned, the quality of that reach matters. It feels more meaningful to grow steadily and influence the right people in the right way, rather than reach a massive audience that might not resonate deeply. That said, it could trigger a cultural shift. Leo showing up on a podcast like that might inspire more people to move in a spiritual direction, which could be either positive or problematic, depending on how it unfolds. Let's not sacrifice integrity please please please sooo important to me and many more.

I've been super consistent with working out and meditation the past few days. One challenge I'm dealing with is lack of time. There seems to be a lack of time to achieve all my goals for the day. I go to the gym, I go to school, I clean the house, I meditate for an hour and the day is damn near over. I realized that I am not consistent with my sleep schedule, and that I spend too much time in bed (not all the time in bed is for sleeping). I tried correcting my sleep schedule and was able to do so to a large extent. Past few days Id be in bed around 9-10 and wake up at 6:30. This really helped achieve any goals I had for the day. Today for some reason, I went to bed at the correct time but couldn't sleep. My mouth just keeps being dry even though I drank enough water. I just drank another bottle and it's still somewhat dry. I also feel very tense and uneasy, so it was hard for me to sleep. To aid sleep usually I have a wind down routine. First I stretch, use back roller. Then I boil water and steam. Then I listen to some nice music on speaker before sleeping. I've been getting rid of some of these steps due to laziness, I realize that I should wind down properly every night. I am writing this entry to wind down further, Im not sure why I am so tense. One reason why might be because I am pressuring myself to have a perfect sleep schedule, and have perfect performance which is bugging me.

I'm forcing myself to write this journal entry. I am so busy nowadays, that documenting my progress in a journal hasn't been a priority. The thought of documenting my progress since my last entry is daunting as there is seriously just so much to talk about, so many things going on, so much progress. It be smart to write down my progress, as I feel I will progress more and then it will be even more overwhelming to write everything down. 1. I overcame a large part of my ADHD (SERIOUSLY!!!) For context, to overcome my ADHD I committed to 30 days of Mindfulness meditation. It was difficult, but I managed to pull through (I did all it took, scroll up to see how (I leveraged OCD) ). Towards the end of the challenge, I honestly thought to my self "This shit barley works", but low and behold, a few days after the meditation challenge , I sat down at an accounting lecture and I could focus. I could fucking focus!!! I kept the one hour meditation practice as a part of my routine.The benefits became more and more apparent. I could finally make a plan for the day and actually follow it through. I could wake up say "I want to study math, workout, then practice a language" and it would get done. That fear or hopelessness was slowly fading away, because finally for the first time of my life I could sit down and do something I wanted to. Now, I go to class super consistently and I believe that my grades will improve. I go to the gym super consistently now, it's less difficult to be consistent. It's honestly amazing. I talked to my therapist about it. She is really happy it worked. She maintains that using OCD to force myself to meditate was a bad idea, and that I could have committed to meditation without such mechanisms. I'm not sure if I agree with her as using OCD was my ticket out daily ADHD symptoms. That said, I do agree with her in the fact that the progress I see today, was a result of more than just meditation. I was receiving therapy counseling, establishing boundaries in relationships, healing traumas, and developing myself in other ways. I definitely agree. There were a lot of things I did that probably aided me in regards to my ability to focus. 2. I am starting a management consulting student company in university Months ago, I was invited to start a student company by some of my classmates. We recently started actually working on the company. It is a lot more work than I initially expected, and I now realize that. I should have journaled more consistently the past month, that way it would be easy to document the specific challenges we faced real time. But fuck it I'll try. So as of now, I summarized and analyzed a service that another high level student consulting company did. The service included a presentation, with high level market research + legal advice too. The vision of our company is to connect students and companies together through projects. So if I student enters my faculty, and is interested in say graphic design, he would join our organization where there would be a mentor for graphic design. The student would learn from the mentor and also participate in creating services for actual companies. That way the student gets valuable experience. 3. Therapy updates (we talked about life purpose) I've gone to more counseling sessions. We talked about my concern surrounding life purpose, and how I want to pursue many different things. I want to have a rap career, I love business, I love philosophy. She said, pick 2 things, and really really commit to both. Then once you get a feel of both things, you can commit to the one you like more. She advised against a quick decision, and had a pragmatic stance. I think I will follow her advice, and also do Leo's course while I am at it. Before I pursue 2 things seriously, I have a number of things in my life to get in order. School to pass, A language test to pass, a driving license to get 4. Other amazing developments I quit instagram and TikTok. It was so toxic that quitting was easy. Unlike before, I quit merely because going on the apps "felt bad". Before I would try quitting for enhanced focus. This shift is astonishing to me, I have no idea why social media suddenly seemed like something I should so obviously quit. I won a business competition. I got accepted into a university for an exchange program. Super cool.

I'm progressing in school which is a good thing, confidence increased. passed Micro exam. Family were super stoked. I am reading models by Mark Manson. The book is really making sense to me and I am looking to implement all that is in the book. I've also discussed dating ideologies and dating advice (from ppl) I've received with my therapist. I asked her about whether to take any of these radical dating advice seriously, whether woman or men cheat more, what is a realistic view of dating. She told me that I am overthinking, she asked me why I am even asking such questions (alluding to it being a protection mechanism to prevent myself from being vulnerable and trusting life to take me where it may). She said that in general relationships end, and for young adults like myself they end quite a lot. Infedility is defenitly a thing that happens. But different relationships end for very different reasons. You cant be so stuck up trying to figure out why relationships in general end, there are so many factors. She told me to go into relationships looking for experience, she told me that I am overthinking way too much. She told me to be open, to be vulnerable, to get experience. I am going to do exactly that. I even asked her about people I know who become bitter due to past relationships not working out. She told me that people should actively work to bring closure to these relationships, to stop being bitter and ultimately close that chapter and move on. That's a pattern I notice with therapy, there seems to be an emphasis on closing chapters in life that are causing you to freeze, and moving on. Looking forward, moving forward not fixating on the past. I think that's really powerful. I think that's super practical. Oh and another thing I notice about my therapist is that she always uses "I believe", never "I know". I think it's important to stay open to new and better understanding, to know that you're constantly growing. To be humble. I think I take myself too seriously.

I have very high standards, that's just who I am. If I want to achieve a goal, I'll take the action first before overly analyzing whether or not it can be achieved. If I try and it doesn't work, then I know for sure, I can pat myself on the back and move on. But not trying will just lead me to regret. I will always try. I rather feel the pain of failure than regret. I know my failures will eventually lead to overwhelming success. It's easy to say everything is cope and then not try at all. It is easy to sob. Doing something anyway even though there is uncertainty is difficult. I always try. That's just who I am.

I'm studying for test but I have a realization that I want to address. This year, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that life is far from trivial. Failing to acknowledge its complexity in every situation can lead to misunderstandings and poor decision-making. If you don’t take the time to think critically and grasp the intricacies of life, the consequences can be serious. At the same time, obsessing over every detail is another trap. Truly understanding reality requires immense time and effort, but when you’re in survival mode, you can’t afford to overanalyze every decision. I find myself stuck in analysis paralysis, afraid to act because I don’t fully grasp the situation. But that hesitation itself threatens survival. I suspect that in survival mode, the best approach is to view things scientifically and pragmatically. Overanalyzing the truth in this state may just be another pitfall.

cool.

I think it's just a matter of time before I hop onto medicine if I don't do something. So I will commit to learning about and implementing Heavy metal chelation. In the mean time I have to get through exam season. I will use the best study tactics I know to get the most done (which is not going to be a lot per day). Calm down relax. The biggest trend I've seen when it comes to prematurely quitting work is getting frustrated by the lack of progress. This leads to my next step. Be proud of what I have achieved so far, because in all seriousness the alternative is that I make zero progress Use Merve Youtube 6 hours. Only study during video. Keep the phone in another room. If I procrastinate during video, I make up for it by pausing the video and working for the time procrastinated. I use no motivation method (where I say to myself, that motivation doesnt exist and that there will never be a better time than right now to work) This should be enough to get me the little work left for the upcoming exam. I already know most things, so I should revise using this and I should be hopefully solid.

Even though now I realise the limits of my productivity, I always end up realising how much I want to succeed. I have to find a way to make things work, to be productive enough to be massively successful. I realise how to other people, the effort I am putting in to better myself isn’t seen. They just see the lack of results and assume I’m lazy. I have procrastinating/focus problems, but the amount of thought, sweat, tears I put in to try to solve this is much more than people think. So much more. I remember getting on a call with a forum member to try solving my adhd. He gave an excellent list of things I should try. Problem is I’ve tried implementing a lot of them already. I couldn’t get myself to say that, because I knew then there was no other advice to give. This process is so exhausting.

I'm coming to terms with my ADHD. I mean this in the sense that achieving extreme productivity on a daily basis is going to be unlikely unless I implement extreme measures such as taking medication. Productivity God seems like more of a pipe dream now. And I mean this in the most non-trivial way possible. I could be productivity god if I used medicine, but it's unrealistic without it. I'm basically forced to develop the skill of intrinsically motivating myself to do things which is extremely difficult. And I have to organize my life in such a way that capitalizes from all the healthy intrinsic and extrinsic motivation I get. So even if learning a subject systematically using a curriculum is technically better, I would opt to learn the subject by talking to people about it, debating with people about it, because that also takes into account all the possible sources of motivation.

Today, I went to my therapist and shared how I’ve been leveraging ADHD to start a meditation habit. I wanted to discuss this with her because I was planning to use my OCD tendencies in a similar way to push myself to work harder and longer hours. Here’s a summary of our conversation: First, I mentioned that I’ve started enjoying microeconomics, largely because my teacher has been really helpful. Out of curiosity (as she put it), she asked what I liked about the subject. I explained that the course is divided into three parts: consumer theory, producer theory, and different market types, like perfect competition, monopolistic competition, and monopoly. I even gave her a basic explanation of perfect competition and monopolies, which I find particularly fascinating. Next, we discussed my focus issues. While she already knew about them, I presented my struggles in a structured way. I told her about my attempts at habit tracking, forming habits using frameworks, and adopting different mental mindsets, all of which didn’t work for me. I explained how, for me, deadlines need to feel urgent for me to focus, bad outcomes alone don’t motivate me unless the deadline is very near. I shared how I discovered a way to “light a fire under my ass” by leveraging be superstitious OCD. I described how I can convince myself that certain bad outcomes will happen if I don’t compulsively take specific actions. This has helped me stay consistent with things like meditation and even losing 10 kg in the past. When she asked what kind of bad outcomes I envision, I admitted that one was the fear of someone I know being more successful than me. She then asked several questions to help me better understand this mechanism. She pointed out that I was exerting enormous energy to create an external force to motivate myself, essentially abusing myself with the same kind of extrinsic pressure I often feel from parents and society. She likened it to beating myself with a belt. We discussed and agreed that this OCD mechanism has its limits. To effectively use OCD in this way, I’d need to construct scenarios that aren’t too extreme but are motivating enough. Additionally, the compulsive action would have to be something sustainable, like committing to a two-hour study session daily rather than tying it to outcomes like passing an exam. This makes the process very energy consuming and complicated. She warned that leveraging OCD like this is a slippery slope. It’s not only a strenuous process but also risks making my OCD worse, where the mechanism starts controlling me instead of the other way around. In retrospect, I realized that over the past few days, my OCD had intensified, and this realization genuinely scared me. (so two things, she disliked my process because it takes a lot of energy, and can increase OCD) We also briefly discussed medication, specifically Concerta. She asked why I was resistant to taking it, pointing out that medication could help me work without resorting to abusive tactics. I explained that I didn’t want to feel dependent on it and was concerned it might limit experiences like backpacking. She wasn’t pushy about it but presented medication as an option. Finally, we talked about solutions. I explained that I resorted to these extreme measures because other strategies hadn’t worked. She agreed but pointed out that I seem able to focus when something genuinely interests me (which is typical for people who have focus problems). She highlighted how I found interest in microeconomics and logical models, suggesting I focus on finding intrinsic motivation in every subject by finding something interesting about it. When she asked what I find interesting about math (because that's the subject I struggle with), I told her about how natural numbers, initially developed as pure theory, later contributed to Schrödinger’s equation and quantum mechanics. I realized that intrinsic motivation isn’t just an alternative to extrinsic motivation (in this scenario), it’s superior because it empowers rather than abuses. This realization hit me hard. So I will try to find the intrinsic motivation in things I do. Of-course I tried doing it before, whats changed however is my understanding that it's the best way to empower myself. I know now that If I were to do it any other way I am using self precious tactics which may not be healthy. I hope things progress.

Wait you can devolve SD stages?

Look at blackpiller Rehab Room's yt, he refers to life as a "big high school". You're absolutely right in that. They say it themselves.