UpperMaster

There are so many video games I want to play. I played 10 min of Plague Tale Requiem and was blown I way. Then I was like shoot I gotta play innocence first. It's on discount I can get it for really cheap because it's Black Friday. But fuck, idk if Il have time to play it. I am spending my whole day tryna get myself to a decent level in life, and I feel like I already have too much to balance on my plate. I don't really nor like to do anything for enjoyment I'll be real, everything I do is just to increase the likely hood for success. The thing is, idk if I am even doing the right things for success. Right now I am focusing on getting to baseline. For me baseline level of success is Learn a specific language I need to know Have some income Be in healthy shape Be psychologically stable Have had some experiences with women Manage school (I am accomplishing this now) And I feel like maybe I should focus on getting money first, because it will act as huge leverage to achieving all the other goals. But at the same time, I am not in a position where I NEED money to achieve all the other goals, because I am financially taken care of by parents to an extent. So maybe thats just an excuse.

I went out with a girl recently. I had 2 dates with her. First date, I wasn't feeling her to much. Second date was great, we kissed a couple times. Apparently I kiss platonically lmao. I told her I didnt want anything serious. I felt like she liked me a lot. Today we planned out 3rd date, but she wants a relationship, she doesn't want to just have fun. So now its completely off. I hope I made the right decision, she was pretty hot, and really kind. Kinda hurts still. I didn't tell any of my friends about this. I wanted to keep my dating life lowkey, because I felt like they would influence me on this matter too much. The second date with her was the best date I've been on. I made sure I could experience the potential relationship I would have without any outside influence and ability to be completely vulnerable. I'll be honest, I am kind of having a reflex reaction. Idk if it's just related to this but I feel in desperate need of success again. Success here is defined as so much better than other people, they feel ashamed about themselves. I feel like I am deprived of success everyday, I want it more and more, but when smth like this happens it hits me tenfold.

Up to now all my midterms went well. I got the highest grades in the class apart from Mathematics..which I still performed above the mean (but still like only 30 percent lmao). Also..great news..amazing news..I found an alternative way to motivate and discipline myself!! I set an input goal, for example, working four hours a day on a specific task. Then I stick to those four hours. Whenever I need to start or feel low on motivation, I remind myself that I want to work without relying on unhealthy or harmful tactics (like the ritual I used to do). I tell myself, “If I skip the work, it means that I cam not disciplined and can't perform without the ritual,” and that pushes me to get started. I train my brain to get motivated whenever I think this sentence, and now it just works. The reason this works I believe is because of two things: The pain is immediate. The consequence is immediate and not in the future. Me failing to working is demonstration that I am undisciplined and insinuates that I can't be disciplined without phsychologically harmful topics. I train my mind to react to the the thought better. I train my mind to find it more motivating. Another thing, I focus a lot on being 100 percent intense when studying or working. Thats the most important thing. It's more important than how long you study. Intensity is what I found makes the biggest difference. 4 hours studying intensely is super different from 4 hours of regular medium intensity. You literally cover twice the amount I feel. And I love working in max intensity it's so exhilarating.

Yesterday I wrote a math midterm. I knew everything. It was piss easy. But I fucked it all up. I panicked, got the wrong answer, then I rushed through the rest. I fucked up the derivatives in the second question. This feels like my biggest failure. I worked so hard. I know everything. I get all the points on homeworks, class is easy because I know everything. But in the test I fuck up. Damn. I am considering using the toxic motivation to reach my goals again. I don't want to half ass my progress. I am so desperate.

So excited about all this, I am so interested on how language plays a role in all of this.

Hair loss has been fucking with me. I still have hair. And I look pretty good facially, but my hair is essential to my looks. My mother has been complaining to be about shedding, and I know I gotta do smth about this. Fuck man.

To be better than everyone else.

I feel pretty shitty about the fact that my worth ethic is not the same as before. My efficacy of work was insane, I can easily be successful if I keep using that "unhealthy" form of motivation, now my work efficacy is less than half of what it used to be. I miss it so much. idk what to do, I honestly feel like I am back at square zero. Really sucks. It's hard for me to just trust the process, I want work efficacy now, thats like the least I need. I want discipline now, I want to march forward, I have a window in my life that I can use to grind my way to the top and I am not able to. Sucks. Sucks so bad. I guess maybe I have to start meditating again. I sometimes under-estimate how easy it is to lose hope, I sometimes don't realize that a lot of people actually do lose hope. I don't want to lose hope I want to move forward. I have exams now, and I am unable to study efficiently. I pray all goes well.

It’s been a month since I last wrote anything here. I want to start with my therapy session and how it helped with some OCD-related stuff. I told her about the unhealthy mindset I’d slipped into and the recent mental spiral I had. I’m not going to re-explain the whole situation again since I already wrote about it before. What stood out was that she didn’t focus on the OCD trigger itself, but on the fear behind it. In my case, it was the idea that a certain rival might end up being luckier than me. She asked, “If you look at the entire world’s population, is it really unrealistic that some people will be luckier than you?” I said, “Yeah, that makes sense.” Then she explained, “So even if your rival happens to be one of those people, it’s not actually a big deal. They’re just one person among billions.” That really took the pressure off. If I didn’t specifically know who this rival was, I probably wouldn’t care at all. So the real shift came from reframing how I was thinking about it. Basically, I just needed to see the situation in a different light. After my session, I focused on trying to find another source of motivation so I can maintain the insane levels of motivation I had prior. It's better than before, but now a struggle again. Working 6 hours a day for 30 days has certainly rewired my brain to where it is easier to work longer. I don't really feel like ADHD anymore. But Its difficult to consistently stay motivated to work 6 hours a day. I am however approaching a state of desperation for success, which is driving me to an extent, but not enough. Today I worked a total of 5 and a half hours, I will probably work half an hour more. But out of the 5 hours I studied only 3 for my exam, I wanted to study 6 exclusively for exam. I want to put in 12-13 hour days. I think it's more doable now, I am not that intimidated by it. I think once I worked 6 hours and spent like 7 hours in class so that's 13 hours, and I remember I felt pretty good. And the work is serious work not shitty shallow work. High intensity work. So yea, I've been improving. Hope I get there soon.

cool.

Thanks for the post, I realized from this that I might be constantly falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations. Listening to the video now.

University started again. Women and lack of dating has become a significant pain-point for me. It's actually getting very painful. I really really want intimacy. I really feel it to my core. I don't just want sex, my end goal is to have a relationship I am fulfilled with. I'm genuinely getting slightly frustrated, no lie.

First, I want to reflect on how I handled my OCD situation. For a some time, I believed I’d have less luck than my rival for an entire year, but eventually I realized I needed to find a way to manage this superstitious OCD. What became clear to me is that you can’t actually disprove superstitious OCD to yourself. That’s because OCD isn’t rooted in logic, it’s emotional. Even if I made a “deal” with the universe and it didn’t come true, technically that should disprove it, right? But no, my mind would just find some way to justify why that particular deal didn’t count. Knowing this, I tried a different approach. I made another deal with the universe: if I drink more than 250ml of water, I’ll have good luck for the next year. That way, no matter what happens with my rival’s luck, I’ll still have amazing luck. After that, my strategy was to let this whole mess go. Honestly, I don’t even know if I failed the previous ritual agreement, so maybe my rival won’t actually be luckier than me anyway. But either way, I’ve made this new deal, and now I can finally move on and leave it behind.

Thanks for the responses. I decided to not have it for now. I am sure there is a strategy to game girls using social media, Il just try optimizing everything else, as I really dislike using instagram etc. Your responses have helped. Appreciate it. I just wanted to make sure it was a "Must Have"

@bazera I'll look into it. I am on Iphone. Do you think that instagram has helped you actually get women? Or is it completely secondary and doesn't matter at all. Because if its secondary I much rather just not have it all. Thanks for the reply bro