UpperMaster

Angels in bible lowkey look like this picture you displayed

I am on exchange. A beautiful city. I got cool friends. I don't have a girlfriend, but generally speaking everything is fine, great even. But Im so fucking numb, I feel like my life is so fucking colorless.......idk fucking why. I feel it so much. I am too tired to write down what I want to, Il write it tomorrow.

Okay two weeks in. I haven't been able to journal that much recently, one reason is because it is very difficult to articulate what's going on in my mind. Long story short, until yesterday I was using a lot of fear based motivation. It's super effective. For some reason it did not feel right. I am not sure how to explain it, but for some reason I did not feel "whole" and very fragmented. It felt wrong albeit its the most effective thing I had to drive action. I was very scared to shift the way that I motivate myself. I tried so many things, cried and emotionally died so many times to be able to achieve the discipline I've achieved the past year. But for some reason, I feel like I have to change the way I motivate myself, which is scary because it means I putting the level of discipline I have at risk. One of the recent lessons I learned is that sometimes courage and boldness matters more than discipline. Motivating myself through fear makes it very difficult for me to be courageous. Approaching girls takes courage I feel. Idk why but I feel so cringe writing into this journal. Ughh

Except a girl everything in my life right now is actually pretty good. But the no girl part fucks everything. Or will I never be satisfied? idk?

1st week of exchange. 1st week completely on my own. Damn it feels lowkey good. So many small things happened. 1. Learned to do laundry 2. Spent way too much money (apparently I have to budget lol) 3. Scared to ask other women out, so have been doing so. I realize that women who I think are absolutely stunning, it's hard for me to ask them out. I mean it makes sense, but fuck. 4. Electricity cut off cuz my dumbass forgot to complete the electricity contract (I thought I did) 5. Went climbing for the first time It's been fun. But for some reason, I feel like there is no soul in my life. I can't say why. Everything seems king of impersonal or insignificant. I want to ask girls out, but scared, I use self improvement as procrastination for sure lmao.

First two days living alone. I am on a university exchange. This is a huge chapter in my development. I have to capitalize on it as much as possible. I asked a girl out today, someone I met on the first day of the exchange school, she said she had a boyfriend. I am happy I did it lmao.

Thank you for all the responses. I was traveling s couldn't read them soon.

It's funny because right now, the reputation of European states that victimized Africa is much better than any African state. Obviously a lot of this is to do with development. But it still goes to show how it doesn't fuckin matter if you are viewed as evil if you can extract all the resources and get mega rich and powerful. Once super powerful can even control narratives, make yourself ethnically superior, make the other inferior and ultimately label yourself the good guy. ps. Western world has come a long way, European countries have a lot of great things going for them. I'm just giving an example, of how ex colonial contries acted, and what they got away with.

Leo tells us in Conscious Politics 1: The reason for NOT treating people as disposable is because there is a pragmatic cost associated with it. Historically, tribes simply raped, enslaved, or dominated one another. He claims this pattern is unsustainable in the long term, because eventually another group will overpower you, or the oppressed will revolt. We all live in an interconnected world, you can't just destroy a part of it and expect it not to bite you in the ass because you too are connected to it/them. History says this is bullshit. This seems like a common sense argument, so I would love some clarification. Colonizers didn’t “pay the price.” They got rich. Many genocides were successful. The perpetrators won, built nations, and moved on. The victims disappeared. We treat animals as completely fucking disposable. Humans can survive on plant-based diets, even if not optimally. If we applied the same moral standards we apply to humans, minor health benefits would not justify eating animals. Pragmatically, we don't face any real consequences (yet). European states that committed genocides faced little more than symbolic guilt. A few terrorist attacks decades later don’t even register compared to tens of millions murdered. This isn’t “tit for tat.” One side kills a hundred million. The other maybe kills a few thousand. History doesn’t seem to settle accounts that evenly. If someone is super selfish, super powerful and lucky enough, they can exploit others and sometimes face no real consequences at all. I mean seriously, what consequence will you feel from a tribe of people if they are all dead? And these selfish fuckers who want to genocide other tribes, love it, they don't even have any moral repercussions either, so like seriously they seem to just gain. Please clear this up for me. I would appreciate it.

I already knew that one of my best friends is a now a Nazi. In my head I’ve been shoving it under the rug. Yesterday I had a discussion with him, and the things he told me crushed me completely. I don’t understand how someone could be so heartless, act so selfish. How can someone so smart, so easily be seduced to such a backward ideology. He thinks he is a hero. I love him. I view him as my brother, but this is becoming too much for me. I feel like someone is carving the inner mass of my heart out, leaving only the outer layer. also vomiting. I feel it in my heart. Seriously. My language teacher told me: if you don’t take care of politics, politics takes care of you. I watched conscious politics episode 1. Politics is something that I never looked at. As a kid, I would deliberately stop myself from consuming anything related to the harsh realities of other people in the world, it was too painful for me to watch. I still do that. It’s time to stop doing that. For me to achieve success this year, I need to cover so much. I can’t procrastinate on politics and other important plans in my life anymore. I have to pay the price; insane amounts of emotional labour. I realise why paying the price is necessary. I need to pay the price, become financially responsible, become emotionally intelligent, fix dating and improve my political literacy. The world is changing, I have to take action, I am super ambitious, for me to do everything I want to do I have to psh the price of insane emotional labor

Asking the viewer to like and subscribe in the beginning go the video. I actually noticed a shift. Long ago, the ask to like and subscribe is always at the end, but now everyone does it in the beginning. Like that to me was just conformity. It makes less sense to ask for a sub in the beginning, you haven't watched the video.

Literally. The earth being round is not obvious. Most people can't even prove it. Honestly I can't prove it, I can just say that I've been around the world, all our maps work so the earth is probably round. Another big give away for me, is I've seen other planets through a telescope and their round, so earth being round makes sense. It frustrates me how earth being round is just this fact you should know, if you question it your a dumb dumb. But no-one fucking questions it. Like I really do believe the earth is round, but if I am being a 100 percent honest, I can't definitivley prove it to someone right now on the spot, nor have I ever cared to learn the physics to prove it for myself. Thats most people let's be honest.

Tommorow I have two tests. I am having a fucking mental breakdown. 1st test is in the morning. I didn’t study enough for it. 2nd test is a midterm for math, a subject from the previous year. I feel so scared of the second test (midterm), because math is something I dedicated a whole lot of time for, and now because I didn’t have time to study for it, I will achieve less marks than I probably deserve. for context I am going on exchange, my semester in my home school finishes later after my host school semester starts, so I gotta take final exams early. Math is fucking up my mental state. I know I can get full marks. It’s not a lack of talent. I did bad in math previously in life because I was too scared to try, now everyone will think I’m just untalented, I know that’s not true, from the bottom of my heart that’s bullshit. I feel so shit. I’m still a virgin. Recently I approached a girl in the library, we talked but I was too pudsy to ask her out. I made so many awkward moments I’m so fuckin stupid. I’m like old at this point and still have fear like this. Fuck. im so inadequate in so many levels. Idk how to keep fighting.

What was your life purpose before, what is it now?

I wish I wasn't so hurt. My goal in life is to create the most engaging life possible. But whenever I get hurt or get triggered, I get back the feelings from when I was younger. It's so intense, so painful, so bitter so angry. And it's like nothing else matters in the world. And idk what to do about it I feel so fucking hurt, and I feel like dedicating time to play out all my vengeance fantasies. The feelings are so extreme, I feel so emotionally violated. I wish I wasn't hurt.