UpperMaster

Before an exam I always have a habit to distract myself with something that seems more important. Usually it’s like an existential topic. But that’s all a trap. I know that. I’m not gonna fall into that trap anymore. I might also stop working out temporarily just to focus on school.

im losing my shit. I am not studying enough. I got a 2 on my midterm. I don't want to fail the year again. Im actually losing it. I know I strategized with a plan or whatever. But I am not able to work long enough. fuck fuck. I should get my shit together. I am lowkey panicking,

My mother started ranting about how the younger generation is incapable of feeling uncomfortable for a long period of time, and demand quick fixes to all their problems. She explained how this tendency to want to fix problems quickly can lead people to be emotionally reactive which intern leads to rash and wrong decision making. She gave an example of this in my life. I agree with her. She said that "its okay to be uncomfortable or have unresolved issues in life for an extended period of time" and that "problems take time to fix". I initially didn't take this seriously but upon reflection I agree with her. I think this is a powerful message.

I've been slacking on meditation the past week. Im slowly getting into it again.

Success in life is all about strategic sacrifice.

3 grams bro

W share

This mushroom trip kinda destabilized me. I am getting back, but I remember especially the first few days, I was just super fucked. I just kept wondering why I was a separate self, and everything seemed like a burden. I felt somewhat trapped. Now its better, but I still feel it.

I don't know why I am not enjoying life that much. I have everything I need to be happy I guess, except maybe a girl. I am not fulfilled, it's scary. I feel empty, unsatisfied sad.

maybe also journal about when you humble brag. I subconsciously do it a lot. Idk just ideas.

be around funny people. Absorb their sense of humor. Try making jokes. Fail 1000 times. And then you'll catch yourself spontaneously cracking a funny joke and it'll be worth it. By no means am I master funny, but I've improved my sense of humor significantly. All because I kept trying, make so many jokes that weren't funny and learned from people much better than me. Enjoy it too.

I absolutely flunked my macro midterm. Out of 10 points I got a two. I went to the teachers office to review my test, I was almost sure that the teacher made some mistake. I studied really hard, and on top of that I even got the midterm from last year. A lot of questions from last years midterm came on this one. When reviewing my test I saw all the retarded mistakes I made. I low-key deserved the grade. I remember asking the teacher what more I should do to study. He was like "actually use the workbook and the textbook". He said it in such a way where it was implied that I was irresponsible and didn't bother studying. I felt offended because I did study. I went to the library. Embarrassed as fuck. I opened my mail and I saw this (attached). The attachment below is an email I got from Alex Hormozi, discussing the theory of constraints. As is written in the email, every business has ONE constraint. Addressing the constraint leads to growth. Addressing anything else that isn't the constraint doesn't lead to growth. I already knew about the theory of constraints, but, after reading this mail, I thought about how it applied to improving any facet of life, not just your business. I thought about when it has technically applied in my life, and to what extent is it valid. Examples of when the theory of constraints worked in my life: 1. Sleep: When I had poor sleep (>3 hours a day), it was the one and only major constraint in life. Attempting to do or succeed at any activity was pointless. Eating healthy was more or less pointless in improving my day to day. It's only when I started sleeping better, that I started living better. I started making progress in the gym, and started focusing better. 2. Meditation: I had huge focus issues. fixing my sleep helped me a bit of course, it's much easier to do anything when you aren't sleep deprived. That said I still had major focus issues and ADHD symptoms. Using focusing techniques like Pomodoro, mental tactics, motivational self talk only worked to an extremely limited extent. I realized that my bottleneck might be physiological, and so I tried addressing it through meditation. It worked, now I can focus much better. Limitation of this theory: I don't think this theory accurately represents reality all the time, but is nonetheless an incredibly useful tool. For example, when I had poor sleep, my body was practically shutting down. But eating purley unhealthy food probably would be worse that if I ate only healthy. Another example, besides meditation I was also attending counseling which probably improved my day to day mental state and ability to focus. Point is, in reality there are many factors that produce a problem, however addressing the biggest one at any given time is probably the best way to go. Knowing now the power of constraints, I tried to find what my current major constraint is in regards to achieving my academic goals. I already knew the answer, but went ahead and asked Chatgpt to figure it out for me. Chatgpt also agreed with my diagnosis. It said: Your constraint is the rate at which you can effectively process and complete schoolwork. Everything else (time management issues, stress, unfinished tasks) is a symptom of this core bottleneck. I think it was spot on. Speed is my bottleneck. Chatgpt is great because it gave me an actionable plan, which I turned into a notion template. Notion template: 🎯 Daily Focus Board ☀️ Morning: Daily Priority Filter (5 mins) ❓ Question: What’s the ONE school task that, if done today, makes the biggest difference? ✅ Top 3 Tasks (Max): 1. 2. 3. ⏱️ Deep Work: 50/10 Sprints Instructions: • Work 50 mins → Break 10 mins • No multitasking, no perfectionism. • Set a timer and stick to it! Sprint Tracker: Sprint 1 Sprint 2 Sprint 3 Sprint 4 🧠 Smart Focus: Speed > Coverage ❓ Questions to Ask Before Studying: What’s most likely to be tested? What topic makes everything else easier? Where am I losing the most points? 🎯 Today's Focus Areas: 1. 2. 3. 🌙 Evening: End-of-Day Debrief (3 mins) ❓ Questions: What slowed me down today? How can I move faster tomorrow? 📝 Reflection Notes:

Shroom Trip Report – 3g Psilocybin Mushrooms Setting: Started at a bird reserve (warm, fresh day, good mood), then shifted to a more comfortable park under conifer trees. Onset: - Felt strong body energy (like Chi-ish) centered in the chest and stomach and everywhere else too. - Early emotional memories of deep love for mother and grandmother surfaced. Peak Experience: I began to remember my childhood self, not just memories, but the feeling of being me as a very small child. I realized that who I think I am today, my personality: 20 years old, into self-development and philosophy —> is just a story. It's a recent narrative, constructed over time. Before that, I was someone else. Before that, someone else again. Back then, there was no "I" (I as in perceived identity) as I know it today. The "I" that I know today came later, the identity was crafted later. I took this process deeper — further back — before birth: Who was I before I was born? Where was I? At some point, it became obvious that I had always been there. Not "me" as a personality, but a deep, formless "I" that simply is. I couldn't define it. I couldn't put a form to it. Even calling it "source" felt wrong, it was just being, pure, formless existence, or even rather deep formless non-existence, or Im not sure something in between I can't explain. In that place, everything was perfect. I felt love, I think it was existential love, full feeling without any form attached to it. It was a knowing that everything is great, that there was nothing to fear. Fear, survival, separation, none of that existed there. Only being. Then, slowly, I opened my eyes. Reality — or the "physical" world — started pulling me back. During the trip, the physical world wasn’t even the main plot. Whether or not it existed didn’t matter. The main thing was my experience of life itself — and that was something I knew the source of all along (I remember thinking of "course its me and I already knew this"). As I came back, I felt a heavy sadness. "Oh fuck, but why?" — because I was leaving that state of pure perfection, and returning to being a someone. I felt the burden of existing as an individual again. I felt the obligation to protect myself, to survive, to defend this separate body. I felt disgusted at the heaviness of having to be someone. Because with it came the obligation of survival. I remember thinking "Why was I even born? Why did I have to be created?" Because now, having been created, I faced the fear of death, I don't want to die, I faced the burden of survival — but without creation, there would have been no fear. I wished I had simply never been created at all — no need for survival, no fear, no separation.

Okay so there has been many significant events in my life which I will go over. 1. Progression with Student Company 2. Mushroom Trip 3. Post trip weirdness --------------------------------- I realize I don't want to divulge too much into how the company is progressing as the details are too personal. But, the main take away is that I had to sell or present our student company (that has no service portfolio, nor does it even have a name) to a bunch of people in hopes of getting new members. 11 people showed interest in joining. This somewhat reinforces me as a salesmen, I couldn't believe my eyes. Secondly in terms of Student company, I will also contact other student organizations and ask for advice. This should really help us orient. --------------------------------- Shroom Trip Report – 3g Psilocybin Mushrooms Setting: Started at a bird reserve (warm, fresh day, good mood), then shifted to a more comfortable park under conifer trees. Onset: - Felt strong body energy (like Chi) centered in the chest and stomach. - Early emotional memories of deep love for mother and grandmother surfaced. Peak Experience: I began to remember my childhood self — not just memories, but the feeling of being me as a very small child. I realized that who I think I am today — 20 years old, into self-development and philosophy — is just a story. It's a recent narrative, constructed over time. Before that, I was someone else. Before that, someone else again. Back then, there was no "I" as I know it today. The "I" that I know today came later, the identity was crafted later. I took this process deeper — further back — before birth: Who was I before I was born? Where was I? At some point, it became obvious that I had always been there. Not "me" as a personality, but a deep, formless "I" that simply is. I couldn't define it. I couldn't put a form to it. Even calling it "source" felt wrong, it was just being, pure, formless existence. In that place, everything was perfect. I felt love, I think it was existential love, a bright, light, full feeling without any form attached to it. It was a knowing that everything is great, that there was nothing to fear. Fear, survival, separation, none of that existed there. Only being. Then, slowly, I opened my eyes. Reality — or the "physical" world — started pulling me back. During the trip, the physical world wasn’t even the main plot. Whether or not it existed didn’t matter. The main thing was my experience of life itself — and that was something I knew all along As I came back, I felt a heavy sadness. "Oh fuck, but why?" — because I was leaving that state of pure perfection, and returning to being a someone. I felt the burden of existing as an individual again. I felt the obligation to protect myself, to survive, to defend this separate body. I felt disgusted at the heaviness of having to be someone. I remember thinking "Why was I even born? Why did I have to be created?" Because now, having been created, I faced the fear of death, the burden of survival — but without creation, there would have been no fear. I wished I had simply never been created at all — no need for survival, no fear, no separation. Other Peak Insights: - Materialist worldview (science-first thinking) felt absurd during the trip; consciousness felt clearly primary. - Realized that separate-self satisfaction can never match the pure existential love of just being. Comedown: After the peak there were several thins I learned about my childhood etc, but that's personal. ------------------------------- 3. Post trip weirdness This trip is somewhat changing me. Firstly my priorities have been realigned slightly. I don't feel like chasing and chasing success. When I am on my own I feel the heaviness and the burden with being a separate self. Its annoying. It's not that now my life is worse. Its almost like this has always been a burden and now I am just realizing it.