UpperMaster

I watched this video. It's interesting because whenever this video came up I always shoved it aside. I knew that, I do a lot of people pleasing, but who doesn't right? Another reason for shoving this video aside is because I think a few years ago when I started getting into self-development, it was a huge issue of mine. I suspect I tackled it by acting like I didn't care and other shallow solutions. I never solved this issue, but I completely forgot about it so maybe I assumed I was over my people pleasing problem. Now I realize that it's one of my biggest sources of unhappiness. I thought the reason I am unhappy is because of how "unsuccessful" I am, but after watching this video I realize that its more of the fact that other people around me like my parents don't SEE me as successful. I think this is the case. Also more evidence for this is my obsession with competition and being better than other people. It's more for the validation of other people. I realise, especially the last year, that I don't do any activity where I can't prove I am better than anyone. Except philosophy I stopped doing things for its own sake, rather to show off to others. Even philosophy has now become something that I sell to people so that they like me. Super essential video. Reminded me of one of my biggest problems. Highly recommend.

I gave in

I caught myself fearing success and actively self sabotage myself to release the pressure. This is huge. Never have a caught myself directly in the act. Usually it be in retrospect so it feel like speculation. Fuck man, I realize I am afraid to win. btw how this played out irl was that even though I was having a productive day. Right before I could solidly today as a good day, I made a plan to stop working, go upstairs eat a fuck ton of junk food and jerk off. And I felt being uncomfortable with having a successful and good day. It felt like uncertain, like there was anxiety associated with it.

I want to figure out my life purpose asap. I need to. After I finish learning the local language and get my exams on track im working to buy the course. Then I have to actually do the course. Everything just seems so far away. Now that I write that, I also realize that this time will literally fly. Maybe I can use that as a frame of mind. because I swear yesterday I was at my first day of high school and hear I am in university. Yesterday I was a kid.

As I mentioned last time, this year I realize the impact media we consume have on our lives. This is an insight that I actually used extensively for the past few days. I've been making sure to consume a lot of positive media, like motivational video etc etc. Whenever I wanted to stop this process I reminded myself the impact that toxic media has impacted my life. One of the most impactful tools I've been using in chatgpt voice feature. Whenever I feel down, I would talk to it, ask it to give me motivation and help me get through any struggles. I honestly believe it's one of the best tools out there, this tool has really helped me get motivated. Conversations with ChatGPT made me realize a few things about motivation: Firstly I realized that I get motivated by the idea that opportunities I get today aren't always going to be there. For some reason I have been taking all the opportunities I got for granted. With some of the speeches ChatGPT has given me, I realize that I don't have infinite time to self actualize, this has given me a lot more urgency, and I feel it. Today was super productive. Another lesson that ChatGPT helped me with is the importance of competing with yourself and others. I will provide a screenshot of this conversation because I personally think it phrased it well. Competing with yourself is better for growth (especially in the beginning) , as competing with other people that are much better than you might cause you to burn out. Understanding real world standards and competition with others is still essential because being the best is what gets rewarded. Documenting this journey and actively taking steps to have a more positive mindset defenitly feels like progress.

Btw I forgot to mention some important life updates 1. I took comprehensive notes for the first episode on Leos how to get laid series. I decided that I would take woman my priority in life. Now I realize that's not feasible I need to focus on uni. 2. I got introduced to crypto by a friend. He made money doing it, and he explained to me how coins work. It's crazy to me how the price of coins are just based on speculation. Getting rich off crypto is basically theft. It blows my mind how big it is. I'm considering diving into it. Apparently a classmate of mine made a shitcoin and make a k during a law lecture. ahahaha. ethics are questionable ofcourse.

One of the biggest things I learned this year is the power of media you consume. I started consuming blackpill content after my relationship and it has completely destroyed my confidence. I think it was definitely one of the biggest impactors to unhappiness and even failing university. I didn't even consume so much, but I was at a low point and I was losing hope to fight on. Now I am thinking what if I do the reverse. I bombard my-self with positivity and isn't delusional. Just surround my self with good messages and positivity.

It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I am a very ambitious person, and forcefully being less ambitious or not accomplishing ambitious goals makes me depressed. Sometimes even suicidal. I remember in one of Leos videos he mentioned that some people are naturally more ambitious and need to fulfill on that ambition to be happy. I believe I am that way. I absolutely cannot stand not being able to accomplish large goals. Its a great source of sadness in my life, even though all other parts are decent (I am very grateful for that).

I realize how all of Leo's biases and conclusions have rubbed on to me. I must learn to think more for myself.

Funny you say that. A lot of fascist media that I come across has now merged with blackpill.

Today I had a therapy session and I cried. We started talking about resentment. I began to tell her my speculation on what my "resentment" was and she stopped me as soon as I started because she felt like I was analysing and generalizing. I was being too politically correct. She guided me to share how I truly felt and not some politically correct theory on how I felt. I talked about the guy from high school and something he did to me. I cried. I was surprised the emotions were still there. after speaking for a while, we found out that I was blaming myself for the abuse that he put me through, and I wasn't able to recognize that I was a victim. She asked me "What would you say to the younger version of yourself?" : I remember slipping up and saying "I would forgive myself". Then she pointed out and asked me for what I was forgiving myself, I didn't even do anything wrong. And that's how my resentment towards myself was kind of exposed. It was so true. I was victimized. I didn't tell anyone about many of the things that were going on. I was a kid. I didn't know any better. And I was blaming myself. To stop blaming myself there was difficult, I felt resistance and even a feeling of disgust. Truly interesting stuff. I will continue to try to find ways of stopping blame onto myself.

Last few times I studied for an exam I actually started on time, but I wouldn't do enough work regardless. I think there should be more emphasis on doing good work in the time you have. Consistency is not enough, good consistency is needed. I've been consistently going to a language class for a year and a half, very little progress because I don't do it super effectively. Effectiveness matters a lot.

Man Im studying for the micro-midterm tomorrow and I am positive I would pass if I studied more. Now im sitting here accepting failure again. So much failure when will I succeed.

My best friend in middle school and high school made me hate myself so deeply and I am positive that, that is effecting my life right now so much. i realise how much I devalue myself because even though I got things going well for myself. I devalue myself because he made me think I am bad, even when I’m not. I think this defenitley has to do with something I am “resentful” about. I will discuss this with therapist.

One thing I got to admit that drinking alcohol does for me is it helps me detach slightly for the paradigm I’m in. Maybe paradigm isn’t the right word, I mean like world view. I’m drunk right now and I realise how imature and constipated my world view becomes when I become super insecure and competitive.