Dean Raymond

There is a new kid on the block:

The first thing i have noticed is the amount of limiting beliefs that you have. This is the first thing you'll need to work on if you want to do better with women.

The guys who are brought up right or may have been popular at school this may come natural to them because they have been confident since a young age. However for guys who don't have this skill naturally then it is something they have to work at and learn.

Just start general conversation and find out about her by asking questions such as what she is into and what her passions are. A good opening message would be one where you remind her of the funniest or the most exciting part of the initial interaction. If you built a decent amount of attraction then doing this would remind her of just that.

There's a fine line between shooting your shot and coming across as 'too keen'. If you don't want to wait a day, wait a couple of hours in my opinion. If you message straight away it's going to depict that you're already invested, without any uncertainty, which, can either work for you, or against you.

What are some of the wrong things you’ve been taught when it comes to approaching and meeting women that you’ve experienced first-hand?

Especially through online dating apps, there's not investment there, she doesn't owe you anything. And with all the options available to women through online, why, would she feel like she needs to make an effort to let you know no. Otherwise, it could just be a case of not saying no YET because they don't want to disregard you completely, but keep you there for if something else doesn't work out. Because, they could come back to the convo and start it again at some point. Not only this, if it's been a genuine conversation back and forth and there was some emotion involved, a lot of the time women feel bad saying no because their empathy will kick in.

Women respond to the emotion of the moment that they are in. She'll respond to you with excitement when you approach her especially if you're attractive, however, women can find somebody attractive but that doesn't mean she's going to feel the emotion of attraction. Attraction is an emotional and psychological response that is triggered inside a woman when certain behaviours and actions are shown for a consistent length of time, therefore looks alone are not enough to amp up the attraction that the woman has felt so after the interaction, if she does not feel attraction for you, there won't be any desire for investment. As well as craving the attention and validation from you in that moment, specifically if low self-esteem is involved.

Warning: Longer Post Do you go on a lot of dates, but the girl doesn’t want to see you again? I've seen a lot of guys asking what to do if they go on a date with a woman and afterwards she does not want to see them again, I thought id write a post to answer some of the main points that I keep seeing and offer some advice. When having a conversation on a date, is your mind continuously churning out 'what do I say next' type thoughts? Do you get nervous at the thought of getting physical with or kissing your date? Before I cover the three main things that are likely causing your dates to not want to see you again, I would like to give you some quick tips that will help you prepare and make sure that the ideal foundations have been set to ensure that you have better future dates. State: the head space and emotional state you are in both before and during a conversation with a woman are hugely important factors in coming across well and creating a good first impression. Having access to your peak social capability requires you to be in an optimal mental state. This is the basis for strong communication skills and good interactions. If you are feeling positive, alert, and clear-minded – it will help you to be more expressive, humorous, and interesting during your date. Get excited by visualising the date going well and imagine her company being fun and pleasant. This will help to nullify the nervousness that is typically felt in the anticipation of a date. Listen to some feel good music before you leave the house, or on the way to the date. Move your body and get the blood flowing. This will help to get more energy into the body and out of the head, which will prevent you overthinking and becoming anxious. Have a little dance to the music before you leave the house or park a short distance from the venue that you are meeting and walk a little faster than usual. Priming: If you haven’t met before in person and have only spoken online then ideally you should try to establish some degree of chemistry and shared experience with the woman before your date takes place. Sending voice notes or having a phone call before the date is a good idea, as it will give her an idea about what to expect and will also give you an indication as to whether you may have chemistry or not if/when you meet.Texting alone doesn’t really give her a clear insight into what you may be like, nor give her any overview of your character. If you can have a quick, fun conversation before the date then it can build a little rapport and excitement before the meet-up even takes place. You will have already set a narrative that you are at least normal, and the date will likely not be awkward. This helps to prevent the woman from getting cold feet and cancelling. Sending funny photos and gifs can also help to brighten up the text conversation but keep it relatively tame until you have learnt more about her humour, beliefs, and boundaries. The last thing you want to do is ruin the conversation by sending something which offends or irritates her. Outcome dependence: if you’re trying too hard and feel an excessive emotional need for the date to go well - you’re outcome dependent. This can be felt by a need to brag about something, an exerted attempt to come across as interesting, or just a general agitation which makes you act out of character. When you’re outcome-dependent you’ll give off a needy and desperate energy and will struggle to resist saying things as a means to try to impress. This can be detected by women through your behaviour and is very off-putting or even repelling. This is an emotional state that is caused by an expectation or goal, that you are placing too much emphasis on and are defining in your mind as the metric for which the date would be a success. I.e If during the date she tells you that she likes you, or you end up kissing her at the end of the night then you’ll feel it was worth it. Thinking like this is to get way too far ahead of yourself and will create unnecessary tension within. Outcome dependence can weave into your behaviour to make you come across as awkward or nervous and can sabotage your natural expression. Once you are in this state, it can be difficult to shake off. Solutions: remind yourself that any one date is not that important and that you shouldn’t be getting excessively uptight or needy over a woman that you don’t even know yet. Also remind yourself of your best personal qualities, the things that YOU have to offer, and how she is also lucky to be meeting you. This should take the needy edge off in the way you come across, as you will visualise and realise that you would be a benefit in her life if you were to get together.(Note: The pre-requisite in this exercise to be effective is that you are actually working on improving yourself and achieving goals that you have set for yourself - which you should be doing anyway). Try to adopt the mindset that you are going on the date merely to have a nice time and find out if the woman is up to your standards. Be interested in getting to know her – not because you are lonely and just want to be with someone, but – because you want to know if she is suitable to be your partner. Eliminate any need or expectations that the date will lead to anything, and just try to be in the present moment and experience the woman for who she is. This will have a powerful effect in making her feel more comfortable and allow her to be more relaxed in expressing her authentic self, which will not only help create chemistry but will also allow you get a clearer picture as to whether she is a truly compatible with you or not. Be the buyer, not the seller. Overly logical and one-way conversations: many guys get stuck in an interview-type conversation by asking a lot of boring questions when they go on dates. This sets a foundation for a more serious and logical interaction rather than a spontaneous and humorous one. It also doesn’t help you or your date to feel comfortable, as this kind of conversation can dry up quickly and cause you to run out of things to say, which can pave the way for those dreaded awkward silences that women avoid like the plague. Women respond to how you make them feel, not what you make them think and so all the ‘impressive’ conversational topics in the world won’t work in your favour unless you know how to weave a light-hearted and fun vibe into the conversation.Pay more attention to the tone, passion, and delivery of what you say rather than trying to come up with highly intelligent and ‘self-proving’ comments. This is a date after all, not a job interview! You must understand that women respond on an emotional level and so having a conversation where you say all the ‘right things’ may not move her or appeal to her in the way that makes logical sense to you. Conversations should be emotionally uplifting, and not insight negativity or argument. The things you say and words you use during a conversation create a subconscious picture for the person listening, so you need to hit on topics that insight positive and soothing focus. Talking about things like religion or politics is generally recommended against in dating advice but if you turn these topics into an emotional experience or something that creates deeper realisation, then they aren’t bad topics at all.I.e., explaining about the liberating deeper messages in religion, or expanding on how politics are driven by the desire for power which is more addictive than a drug. Another mistake guys make is to talk about themselves too much and change subjects as soon as the woman has finished sharing her part of the conversation. This is usually because the guy is nervous, but it isn’t ideal as it creates an impression to a woman that the man is both not paying attention to what she is saying and/or is also not interested in her view on the matter. Part of feeling comfortable with someone is feeling valued and appreciated. Solution: be passionate about just simply listening to the woman rather than impatiently waiting for your turn to speak. This will make her feel like you are valuing her company and enjoying what she says.See if you can learn something about your date’s knowledge, experience, or energy. Also, look up a book called “Second circle” by Patsy Rodenburg… This is a great book in helping you understand how to create a connective and sharing an experience with other people. Lack of romantic chemistry: ever had a woman say to you after a date that she “just didn’t feel it”? Some of this will have been because the conversation wasn’t stimulating enough - i.e., you didn’t make her laugh enough, didn’t talk about her passions enough, and generally didn’t connect with her at a deep level. The main reason however will have been down to a lack of romantic chemistry. Simply put, she didn’t feel romantically excited by you. This will usually be because your communication with her was more likened to a friend than that of a man she would consider as a potential romantic partner. Women are inundated with men offering to take them out on dates, treat them like a special prize and have a ‘nice’ conversation with them. This is not the reason that they are going on a date - they can have a much more personalised conversation with their friends and family, so why would they want to do that with a guy that they have only just met!? It’s the romantic undertone in the interaction that will determine how much a woman enjoys your company. She came to indulge in a man-to-woman chemistry, to feel the excitement, to flirt and to be around someone that allows and encourages her to express that flirtatious impulse that she has to restrict and inhibit in her usual work/family life. Solution: when the girl arrives tell her she looks amazing, give her a kiss on the cheek (if she appears open to this and isn’t standoffish), and lead her to the area where you are going to sit.If possible - try sitting side by side rather than across from each other. This will make the date feel like you are sharing an experience together, rather than two strangers filling in the gaps and awkward silences from across the table. The traditional idea of dating where you sit opposite each other whilst eating dinner and asking questions is not an ideal setting, as it puts both of you in a very unnatural position and makes you feel like you have to perform. When you meet someone new – the physical boundaries are set very quickly and so initiating light touch and flirtation early on will be important in setting the romantic frame with your date.If you withhold from getting physical for too long it makes it much more difficult to initiate touch at a later date. A woman’s comfort levels to touch increase gradually, so you can’t neglect to get physical throughout the whole date and then expect it to end with a smoothly performed kiss. Perspective: She's meeting you for a date so she will be expecting you to lead physically and make things happen. There will (or should have been) some kind of acknowledgement that you find each other attractive to have even arranged to meet and so this needs to be in your mind during the date.This will be a case of recognizing the signs and using courage, as a woman will rarely initiate the kiss herself. If you still are having trouble or feel uncomfortable conveying flirtatious energy, then try to imagine the woman you’re on a date with staring into your eyes, biting her bottom lip, and coming onto you in a provocative fashion. That should help put a glint in your eye which your date will read as a flirting signal and cause her to become excited. Also, don’t forget eye contact. Eye contact is one of the best tools for increasing romantic tension with a woman. Bonus: date location and event. Try to plan a date that will be either stimulating, interesting, or calming, rather than static or boring. Also, don’t arrange your first date as something where you are stuck together and have to commit a set amount of time to, just in case you find out that you don’t get on. So booking the cinema or buying tickets to the theme park is not an ideal first-date scenario. Crazy golf, going to the aquarium or to a museum, coffee and conversation in a tranquil setting are all good examples of good, non-committal date settings. You could also arrange it so that you go to two or three different locations on the date (if you feel that you will likely have chemistry). I.e., you go bowling and then for drinks at a nice bar afterwards. The more variance of experiences that someone has with you – the more connection is created between the two of you. The point is that your choice of date needs to create a feeling that you are on an adventure together, and includes a variety of positive tones and experiences, but also allows you both to be able to cut the date short if either of you are not feeling it. I'd be interested to hear your feedback/thoughts

Think about what you enjoy, if you have any hobbies, or interests that will allow you to join certain groups/meetups than see if you can incorporate those into your time. Going out with friends is always a good option, it puts you into situations with opportunity, but less pressure when you're out having a good time.

The fluctuations you are having with your state are a combination of both a lack of state management specifically, and also a lack of confidence in isolating and escalating (due to not having enough reference experiences from doing it enough previously). This is a skill that has to be cultivated and maintained. I would bet that the girl who stayed with you was interested but she wasn't ready to go home with you yet, as she probably wanted to continue with the night, or she didn't find you irresistible. There was only moderate interest and you didn't ramp it up. It happens to a lot of guys, yes, but you definitely need to work on this otherwise it won't improve.

Your best most charismatic self comes out when you are in an upbeat and positive mindstate. Humour is more of the vibe and tone that you express, rather than the content itself. You can use the standard teasing, making fun of what women say, crude and sexual innuendos, but for it to have the impact that you are looking for - it needs to come from the right vibe and frame.

Hi Mate, Once you know you have attraction you need to lead by sitting down with her and asking her qualifying questions. This ideally needs to come from a frame where it is not a technique in that you are actually asking questions that you would want to know to be able to determine whether she will be compatible with you. I.e "would you say that you are a spiritua type of personl", or ask her what she would do in certain scenarios. Anything that is important to you when choosing a partner. Qualifying a girl (especially if she is hot) is super attractive, as most guys act like the are already sold just because she is hot. This will be need to be combined with a fun and playful vibe so that it doesn't come across like an interview. Also getting physical is important as the other guys mentioned above.

The only way you're going to stop being this insecure is to work on yourself. Go introspective and really think about any past trauma you've had that's made you react like this, and feel so insecure in a relationship. Anyone could be the best boyfriend out there, but if someone is going to be disloyal they're going to do it regardless of how you are. Because it's THEM and has nothing to do with you. Practice self-love, confidence. Once you actually believe in yourself and know what you have to offer, you won't feel like you need constant reassurance that your girlfriend is going to leave you.

The adrenaline must have been pumping to put you in a fight or flight response, specifically after her friend made a comment. She probably threw you off and caused you to stifle. You also already put the girl on a pedestal by saying she was taller than you, a 9/10, giving her more value than own self. Were you thinking about the outcome of the approach? If you were subconsciously telling yourself it was a high risk approach, you probably just acted to protect yourself from possible rejection. It's all good though, the next time you do it, you'll have that much more experience, and feel more confident. Kudos to you!

This, lol. The question is, we may like the crazies, but is that for temporary fulfilment, or can you see yourself settling down?

I think the word 'pick-up' has many negative connotations associated with it. Everyone has a point in retrospect, but will ultimately depend on what your own personal agenda is. I know guys who have associated themselves with a genuine dating coach because he has an anxiety attack at the mere thought of talking to a woman, yet, he wants to find that special someone with whom he can build a relationship. Of course, practice, self-esteem, and confidence all come into play with that, so yeah, he has to do the pick-up work to be able to give himself the opportunity to approach and meet a suited woman. On the other hand, you have guys using pick-up just to get laid, and complete the process of nothing but meeting women just to sleep with. It comes with different perspectives.

@Gesundheit2 Great comparison, never thought about it like that

@Nilsi same. Some places really only prefer letting in women only

Awesome! all the best. Try not to think about the outcome of the date. We tend to psych ourselves out when we focus too much on whether she's going to like us, is the date going to go well etc. Rather, think to yourself, 'Am I going to connect with her, and like HER?' Take the pressure off by removing all expectations. Just be yourself and as it's been stated before, don't put her on a pedastal. She needs to match you, just as much you to her. Just enjoy the experience, you'll do great

I wish it was as straightforward as telling you to just say ........... But understanding the reason for opening is key to ensuring whatever you say achieves the result you are looking for. A woman walking in the mall is probably in her own head space so if you walk straight up to her and say "Hi your beautiful" she will feel a surge of emotions which have absolutely nothing to do with you but more of social programming that its not normal for people to approach each other, therefore the social pressure she will feel could express itself as a weird grimace on her face that triggers a fight or flight response so she politely says thanks and quickly walks off as fast as she can. This had nothing to do with your "Opener" but more your calibration and not addressing the social pressure that most people feel. Opening is simply presenting yourself in a way that demonstrates very quickly that you are, Friendly, Assertive, confident, clear in your intent and fully aware of the social pressure she feels, So a girl walking in the mall 20 ft away approaching you, Said with a huge smile "Hey a bit random I know, but you are way too beautiful to not stop, My name is ........... Although successfully opening is a straightforward action gaining the correct mindset so your opener is effective can be a complex and daunting process, feel free to direct message me if you want some help on perfecting your opener

Everyone's journey is different. For some guys who are getting absolutely no women at all, then learning aspects of pick-up theory and becoming more attractive to women is essential if they want to ever meet someone. You definitely don't need to be extremely extroverted to do better with women, you just need to believe in yourself and learn the basic technical aspects of "game". Learning how to come across better socially and make yourself more attractive is not manipulative. This all depends on what your motives are and where your moral compass points. The short answer here is that the answers lie in the field. The skill here is sharpening who you are, rather than adding to the facade. This will however require you to totally strip away any previous false persona that you may have been using to attract women. Women recognise the frequency, energy and humour behind a man's communication. The topics of conversation and whether or not you are an extrovert are irrelevant. Only you know if you're saying things for a reaction, or if you are expressing yourself authentically and trying to actually get to know the girl as a human being rather than trying to use her as a source of validation via approval/sex.

Guys generally struggle with the approach because they fear the rejection that could come from it, and experience a bad outcome. Having a girl approach them can only end up as a positive unless there's no mutual attraction between the two. Either way, it will boost his ego, and give him that little bit extra confidence

Being in the wrong state of mind is not going to get you anywhere when it comes to approaching women. Putting her on a pedestal or objectifying her to make you feel better won't do you any favours either.

Bit of a controversial topic. I think in Western countries men feel somewhat obliged or that it's their duty to pay for the first date, but appreciate if the girl offers to split it. If you've been dating for a while I think on an equality level it's better to either split the bill or take turns in paying, but this will ultimately depend on where/how you've been brought up etc. In Russia, the women expect the men to pay for absolutely everything!