Hey man,
these posts appeared quite fuzzy to me.
A journal (in my opinion) is to create another level of "depth", and at the same time keep track of your very own development. Cultivating depth, honesty, and a path are the key aspects in my "life purpose journey".
If you like, consider the following interpretation of mine:
- Please read carefully about the stuff that you wrote. I find it quite jumpy, how serious are you actually? Also, read again the comments in your own journal and respect them. I found some good things there that you did not mention in the upcoming "day reports" at all. You may also read Leo's introduction on how to write a journal...
- Dogmatics are quite hard to handle for me. I figured that you concentrate on stuff that you don't like on yourself, and now you want to radically erase them. Keys to me (that you should cultivate during meditation, probably while writing this journal of yours): Question again and again, until you find the roots. What are you doing? Why? How did it end up like that? What do you dislike in that, how much do you dislike, how does it disturb etc. etc... There are tons of unclear things to me just reading your few lines. Like, I find it quite interesting that you are that honest about touching yourself, but why is it such a problem for you? What is actually your status? Like if you're 16, I find it quite naturally to explore your field. But you already quit smoking, so did you already have a long-term relationship or sth? Why are you not in a relationship and projecting your horniness onto the other sex? How come that eating disorder, are you fat?
- As it was already mentioning, don't focus on bad habits but on what you want to do. You ended up like this, and thats ok. Figure why. THEN figure, WHAT is ACTUALLY upsetting you. And most of all: What do you actually want ? And then do that. You talk about honesty, so figure how hard it actually is and be honest. Your symptoms do not help. What are the roots?
- Generate consciousness! Be aware of what you are doing. Why do you write this? Why do you actually read "Name of the rose" in a day? Do you have a good job, a developing hobby, a mastery to achieve? The free time needs to be redirected (as you should have figured by your journal). So maybe you want to stop just doing random stuff, but actually make a second list of things you would love or need to do, and invest the new free-time there. Things you RATHER do, than doing stuff from before. Like read some books of Leos suggested list, eager in some sport, achieve something. Meditate daily, in depth. Not just to calm yourself, that is just a necessary step, to get the symptoms out of the way. But also eager to honesty, and then live, what you figured. Continue watching 1 or 2 self-exploring videos a day. Generate a new daily basis.
Some final statement that helped me along the way:
- Eager to Mastery and depth-understanding. I do e.g. Martial Arts. Any sport should actually do it, as long as you do it conscious and try to MASTER it. Be fully aware of what is happening and why.
- DAILY meditation and self-excercise/ development, to honesty and what I want. Start at handable 30 minutes morning/afternoon/night or sth. But do not leave this path, especially on those days where you find excuses like "oh I'm sick today". Do not ignore any upcoming emotion. Explore it, find the root whats behind, and let is pass (In work time, you may of course make a note and "overwrite it", but realize afterwards, in a break or at least at home, what and why has happened). Also, I have a bell (pretty much like a church bell) on my mobile, that rings every hour, just to keep me focused on what I am ACTUALLY doing and why.
- Becoming fully satisfied with myself ALONE, project that into the life. That actually took a while, bringing myself into shape such that I could just stare into the mirror, being naked, without the eager to look away or distract me somehow. Especially being e.g. a whole Sunday alone, without any medias, without much influences but the nature. But as soon as you practice that much, that you realise a not coming bus is nothing to get nervous about but a blessing such that you have a little more time for yourself, a lot of anxieties actually just vanished.
(At the same time, people started to note me. Or I just started to note, how much a single person impacts the environment. That I found actually most weird. The time I didn't feel the need for anyone anymore, it just started happened that I entered relationships to quite interesting peoples in random situations.)
greetings
