Dear Fiona

I had an awakening last year. Spontaneous. Having never sought "enlightenment" I was very disoriented. It was only then, that I started to watch "gurus" on you tube, and learn about the crazy world of new age spirituality. None of it resonated with me, and left me only more confused. Nuff said. If something is not my own direct experience, I'm not interested. I'm not interested in vicarious experience. A few months ago, during "Inquiry" which is simply challenging my limiting beliefs/thoughts/allowing myself to embrace, and integrate all emotions. I got to "I'm God" Aaargh ! I was so bamboozled by this. I cried and cried for a good few days. I had also never come across anyone saying this anywhere, other than new age gurus saying it in some kind of esoteric weird way, that also didn't resonate with me. Over the last year, consuming info, and finding the gurus nauseating with their love and light message, that seems to me, so cruel. I somehow started finding scientists, researching consciousness, and they really resonated with me. They were so passionate, about whichever subject they were studying, maths, physics, AI. etc. But they all had such a sense of humility too. Unlike the gurus. They freely admitted "we don't know" A friend of mine, recommended TOE, if scientists were grabbing me. Hence I found Leo. In his interview, the only time he really breaks down, is when he describes his experience of discovering "I'm God" I immediately resonated. You would think a discovery of "being God" sounds like the epitome of being power mad, a narcissist, delusional, etc etc. My experience of it, I think, was similar to Leo's. It was excruciating and agony in a way. The uncompromising, unconditional, glaring love strips you bare, and utterly helpless and vulnerable. Nothing is judged, yet nothing is not seen. Naked. And totally accepted. The woo-woo, ra-ra, comforting, ego-appeasing, kind of love, advertised by Hollywood, Hallmark, fairy tales, religion, new age etc. Doesn't even come close. At the same time, that it's the most profound thing ever. It also made me wanna run away too. Made me wanna jump out of my own skin. Nowhere to hide. Nothing to give. I have nothing. Totally humbling. It has settled down since then. I'm God. Yes. But then so is this this laptop I'm using. So is the chair I'm sitting on. It becomes gloriously ordinary in the end. I'm God. So are you. Good peeps. So are you.

@Indianonymous You might like what Leo says in this video, at 1 hour 28 mins. This is where I'm at, after waking up almost two years ago, and doing a lot of dropping ego attachments and identities work since then. It's felt like a Tsunami at times. I now need to find a "life purpose" It sounds like you are a naturally selfless person. But it has left you unsatisfied. Probably because you were coming from conditioning, and lack. A "should" When you come from a place of love, it's a totally different paradigm. Coming from a place of fullness. You will probably come full circle with it. And the selflessness, once liberated from "self" will have a totally different flavour. It will feel like freedom, and surrender, to flow, and aliveness.

@Indianonymous It's impossible to "love yourself" and equally, it's also impossible to "not love yourself" Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Rumi. Trying to "get" love is as ridiculous as trying to catch air. Equally, we can't escape love either. That would also be as ridiculous as trying to escape air. Love will hunt you down, and annihilate you, till you see the truth of who you are.

@Indianonymous You can't "love" yourself. Equally though, You can't "not love" yourself. The love doesn't belong to you, so trying to get love, is as silly as attempting to catch air. The air is abundant, never runs out, yet you can't take ownership of it either. It sounds to me like you are probably quite a selfless person naturally. But you have centred this around "you" and probably attempted to derive some kind of significance, meaning, purpose from it. And failed. It was always to doomed to failure. It sounds like you really do need to pursue waking up to the dream/illusion. Realising the reality of who you are. You'll probably then come full circle with everything you have achieved so far. You will come back to it, from a fresh perspective, that is not attempting to fill you up in some way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGItuEai8vo&list=PLFfM65xLnO-G2ytmWV1A6WBNrvLte92kN&index=3 I love what Leo says in this video, at about 1 hour 28 mins. About life purpose. This is where I'm at now. After waking up. It can be difficult to navigate too.

@r0ckyreed Oh. Ok. I "woke up" about two years ago. Saw through the illusion. It was spontaneous. I was never looking for "enlightenment" ( I've never meditated in my life) so I was very disoriented. But yeah. Even I still don't know what "woke up" means to be honest. I just picked that word up, cos "enlightened" sounds really ridiculous. It's not real. It's not personal. I do really love that. I really do.

@Matthew85 Try this one.....water is not wet.

@Federico del pueblo This whole thread is utterly beautiful. Mate, this is such a huge opportunity for you to go deeper, and get what you're really looking for, which is NOT other people's good opinion of you. Humiliation is linked to shame, which, as opposed to guilt, which is feeling bad about actions we have done, shame and humiliation are feeling bad about our identity, things inherent to us, things we cannot change. EG, skin colour, gender, body type, illness. etc. In my own direct experience, embracing shame lead to the most amazing experience of intimacy and connection to the ineffable/divine/God, ever. I HONESTLY love shame now. Although the thing with embracing emotions, is that they then naturally drop away, so I rarely feel shame anymore. When I do, I feel it on my upper arms. But, it's an invitation, and a call to intimacy, and being vulnerable. And also a sublte message from the body, cos we are intelligently designed ! In any given situation, that emotion of shame and humiliation, is either a call to NOT share the most vulnerable parts of ourselves in that situation/with that person. And that's ok. But in another situation, it's a beautiful invitation to share the most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of ourselves with others, and to be loved in that. I'm so so lucky to have met my soul mate in this life time, and to know true love. It took till I was 44. After much heartbreak. We don't love each other cos we are wonderful, amazing, perfect. We love each other warts and all. he has seen me at my worst, and still loves me. That's why this thread is so beautiful. You made a first step into this here. You shared your vulnerability. And I didn't see a wink of "victimhood" Just honesty. I'm a woman. It's sexy. Trust me. So embrace it ! Oh. And by the way. I totally re-invented myself at age 40, after horrific divorce. I also feel like I'm re-inventing myself now, age 52, after waking up a couple of years ago. You have lots of things to look forward to.

@r0ckyreed I don't get why you say you're not awake ? Apologies if i've misunderstood.

Love is the ultimate fear.

@r0ckyreed Well yeah....see that there, you proved it yourself. God is so selfless and whole that it allows for fear/anger and selfishness. Besides, I wouldn't even narrow God down to selflessness either. Sometimes I wonder if God is the most narcissistic monster ever ? Having a right old laugh at us, and our silliness. Since I woke up, and then realised "God consciousness" a few months ago too. I am actually the most selfish I've ever been in my life, and I flippin love it. Far better, and authentic than the sickening rescuing "nice" people pleaser I was. God I was so self serving ultimately. Bluuurgh. I love being selfish, and angry.

@Leo Gura Hey Leo. I'm clear we have no free will, from my own direct experience. BUT....do we have ANY agency in this dream ? Is it a subjective universe ? Do we co-create ? It's doing my head in. I lived my whole life in fear. I'm 52. That's a looong time. Since waking up 2 years ago, so many things have dropped away, including fear. Thing is. Fear is actually a great motivator. Not pleasant. But it sure does make one get out of bed and hustle. I have my own business, so I still work. And I have my home, and my boyfriend etc. So it's not as if I do nothing all day. But I have become a little bit nihilistic maybe ? Like I just can't find anything to motivate me. Please please don't get "guru" on me and ask about "who" is asking ? "where" is the do-er" Aaargh. I get it. None of it's real. I know that. But if I was asking that kind of question, I'd go follow the "gurus" and they make me feel nauseous.

@r0ckyreed and anger/fear is cut off from God. Not true. But not gonna argue.

@Breakingthewall Yeah....beautiful beautiful. it's just a dance that I dance with myself, like a flame that moves. It is something wonderful, beautiful. Thank you so much for your reply. Words do really get in the way, but it is the best we have, especially on a forum.

Here's something really profound you guys are missing: if a kid was seriously molested and abused by a pedophile, the only way that kid will be able to fully heal himself is by finally realizing that pedophilia is just love. That's what full integration will require. And so long as you're stuck on demonizing it, you will actually not allow the kid to heal. Which is sad. You are making a bad situation worse. Demonization is never truthful nor conscious. And it is antithetical to healing. Hating your abuser is going go double your hurt. So an intelligent mind would not do that to itself. Cool how love works, huh? To paraphrase a classic Gandhi quote: True love is to love them who abuse you. Just don't be so stupid as to think this means you must tolerate active abuse. I hope I don't offend Leo to quote the above, from a thread he has closed. But I just want to say that what is written here is really truthful, as far as any words can ever convey truth. From my own direct experience, this was how I finally got free of MY OWN OPPRESSIVE THOUGHTS, about incidents that were waaaaay in the past. Hating the abuser, was me, just carrying on, hurting me. Tormented, and obsessive, and really really reliving nightmares over and over. I really wish I'd had someone like Leo, to speak brutal truth to me like this. One of the people in my experience was imprisoned, and still is. He sent a message through his solicitor to ask if I'd be willing to be on his contact list. I did actually consider it. Not for long though. I don't judge him, don't hate him. I KNOW he's loved, cos love simply can't help itself but love. Love is not Hollywood romantic love. Love is merciless, and uncompromising, and brutal in its total unconditionality. When you finally meet with that kind of love, it's very scary, and confronting. Not woo-woo, or ra-ra, or comforting at all. My no, was more like, this is no net benefit to my life at all. I'm done with this. It's now quite a "boring story" for me. And if anyone crosses my path, who has ever experienced this, I won't be limiting them down to this, and giving them tea and sympathy and pity. Which is NOT the same as love and compassion and understanding. And time and patience to find their own answers. I would not want to impose my answers on them. But I'd want to be advocating for their recovery, and empowerment. Not to forever define themselves by such limited perspectives of "I'm a victim of abuse" I very rarely talk about this. Cos people immediately put me in their own "box" of perception, cos they can't get their heads around true freedom. And I just can't be bothered educating them, or dealing with them projecting their emotions onto me. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's very very very possible. And extremely liberating. It's absolutely and utterly amazing that Leo has given this message out the way he has.

@playdoh I found anger to be the hardest thing to navigate. It starts to end when you translate it into ACTION/BOUNDARIES. Note......"boundaries" are NOT walls against the "apparent other" Understanding boundaries that way is a proper shit show doomed to failure. Boundaries are what you want and what you need. When you get angry, drill down, find out what you want and need and find constructive ways to fulfill those things, instead of blaming others. And another tip, is this. Even if you don't actually get what you want and need, you still get the prize of confidence in yourself, and loving yourself. It is seriously NEVER "them" no matter what your mind tells you.

@Vladimir Hey. I loved reading this today. Trippy trip isn't it ? Just a heads up, and eat the fish, but spit out the bones. As in, if this lands for you, cool. If not, also cool. My waking up was bliss and no sense of separation and euphoria. Then I CRASHED big time. If this "happens" to you. Don't worry. Love brings up everything unlike itself. It's like a detox. That's all. Enjoy dude !

I've followed these guys for 3 years. They are at the same time as being extremely academic, and well-read, also really accessible to ordinary people, which is their mission. Their series on "complexes" is outstanding, and this is their most recent video, further discussing how complexes can develop, and dominate, and sometimes destroy, our lives, but at the same time, it's our psyche wanting to relate.

what is 5meo dmt ?

It's a really good question to be asking yourself at your young age, and shows maturity. Us humans are hard-wired for connection from birth, or we would die. It's generally nothing more nefarious than that. Depending on what someone is being invited into. You're having a bit of a hard time right now, but you also seem to be dealing with it well. School will be out soon, and you will have more opportunities, and options, for connecting with people more on your own personal level. It's ok to be you. You don't need to look for ominous reasons for other people being the way they are, as a proxy way to give yourself permission to be different. Just do you.

I'd say here, that this is a heady, conceptual, post, with not a lot of context. It might have more relevance to a forum where people are genuinely attempting to heal, and Leo is genuinely trying to facilitate that, with his generous offering of this forum, if your post came with any relevant direct experience you've had. Have you spontaneously woke up ? Have you had the swift healings you are pointing to ? How successful are your personal relationships ? Friends, family, work, romantic etc. ?

There's no real problem here. You're growing, and other people are resisting you, like humans do. No need to demonise "them" If you notice. You're limiting yourself to 2 options. Either/Or. More available/cut off. When you are stuck in thoughts of a binary decision, you are ALWAYS in mind, in ego. Go further. It's not them you're resisting. it's your own feelings of guilt. Which is why you found yourself being people pleasing in the first place. To not FEEL guilty. Next time you're triggered into feeling guilty. Instead of working out how to change other people's experience, and control them, so they don't MAKE you feel guilty, embrace the guilt instead. It will "pop" and dissolve, if you stay with it long enough. It's you, fighting with you. Their resistance is in fact a gift. Good practice for what you're learning. It will force you to integrate it more, and know yourself more. Just turn inwards, towards the guilt. All feelings are just energy moving through, and just want to complete themselves. It's simple. Not so easy to put into practice. Not many can actually find the courage to do it. But you got this far. You gonna be fine.

Direct experience.

I've not had one single circumstance, or story, or feeling yet, that was able to withstand serious inner inquiry. Whilst it's not a "pleasant" process, and some things have taken months of waves of stuff coming up, and my own resistance, then dissolving, then more layers, more resistance, more dissolving. I've still not had something that holds up as real. That's not just a story, fabricated by my own mind.

@Matthew85 The week I woke up, I had a mini love affair with teaspoons too. Like "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry I never saw you before, and here you are, every day, making me perfect tea" But weirdly, the teaspoons were wiser than me. They always knew. They were always in on the cosmic joke. I moved recently, but back then, I lived by a huge park. It's a nice area, but it's city centre Liverpool, and you can't escape crime and drugs and prostitution no matter where you live in Liverpool. There was a women's refuge not far from me. All these girls would regularly walk past my house, and I'd be sitting drinking coffee. I made friends with most of them. Chatting. Except one girl. She would walk right past, so lost in a world of her own, no eye contact ever. I always felt so much inner discomfort when she walked past. That week. She walked past, and I saw her for the first time. I'm sure others who have awakened here, will resonate with "seeing things differently" isn't about a vision, or the actual picture changing. It's more of an optical illusion, a change in perception. She was absolutely perfect. Just total perfection. Even now, I have tears behind my eyes, thinking of her. I saw my own arrogance, and pride, and hubris, in my judgement of all of it. I saw my own superiority, in "making friends" with these other girls. It fitted my picture of myself, being "unjudgemental" And I saw, that it was my own fears inside, that had fed the disconnect, and discomfort, between me and this other girl. She didn't fit in my own narrative of myself, being the nice woman "who kindly chats to prostitutes and drug addicts" And I saw the inherent superiority, in pity, and feeling sorry for people. This girl was like an angel. Perfect. Who was I to ever judge her as somehow "less than ?" I'm forever grateful, and humbled, by what she showed me that day.

@Matthew85 Before, and still after, I woke up, I was very very stuck with existential questions about evil and suffering. Born out of my own personal circumstances. From day one of waking up, I totally got, that none of this is personal. But I still couldn't let go of the question. I was doing a gratitude practice with a friend at the time, not long after waking up. One morning, I choked out the words "I'm grateful for suffering" This was last year, before I got to "I am God" I've never been woo-woo, or chased mystical stuff. I'm a very simple woman. Practical. I've never even meditated in my life. The next morning, half asleep, half awake. I had an experience, of being taking high high high up, and expanding, and expanding, and my thought was "Oh, this is what it's like to be God" and I was looking down, at all the suffering, and whilst I had so much compassion, I was not identified with it in any way. It wasn't part of who I was. Although it wasn't denial, or bypassing. Years ago. I had a lumbar puncture. A spinal tap. I'd already given birth to my daughter, and had an epidural. No problem. The needle for a spinal tap is huge. I had a junior Dr doing the procedure. Sorry. But if someone is putting a big needle in your spine, you can't help but make noise. Every time he introduced the needle, I'd cry out, and he would withdraw the needle. This happened at least 6 times, till a senior nurse that was attending, impatiently took over. She ignored my noisy noise, and my pain, went straight in, drew the fluid, straight out. I ask you. Who had more compassion for me ? The Dr, who couldn't get past his own resistance and discomfort to my suffering, and left me with scar tissue, and pain for years in that area. Or the nurse, who detached herself from my suffering, and didn't identify with it, and therefore reduced my suffering, and did for me, what needed to be done. We are no good to people, in their suffering, if we identify with suffering. The book of Job, in the bible, is an amazing story that illustrates this too. Job demands an audience with God, and God shows up. But he NEVER once identifies with Job's suffering either, and he rebukes Job's friends, who had tried to advise Job, and all their attempts at spiritual bypassing. On one level, of course suffering is real. I never want to become so spiritually hubristic, to merely state "Oh. There is no suffering. It's all a dream. Don't worry" But I can better serve people, when I remain unidentified with suffering, and don't buy into their stories. I don't always pull that off. Not even for myself. I still buy into my own suffering sometimes.