itsnutsandbolts

Focus on doing, rather than consuming. You don't need a resource - it sounds like what you need instead is to go out and do things. Actionable steps. If your long term goal is financial independence then start small. Start anywhere. For example, get a job - any job. Set up google alerts, apply for things, go for interviews. Getting a crap job now doesn't mean you will stay in a crap job forever. It just means you have to start somewhere - and most starting places are not ideal. Focus on process, not the end reward. Focus on sustainable habit building, not on making a 180 degree turn. Focus on doing things and taking daily action, not on 'being driven' or 'not being lazy'.

August: Liberation...and deliberation. I had written the following for my August journal overall theme and mini notes. Theme: Liberation. Free yourself from the constraints of fear. Develop concentration and enter flow. Acknowledge and integrate parts. Root yourself here, wherever that is. I think liberation is apt theme for this month, especially liberation from fear, which I have been feeling a lot more lately as a result of putting myself out there. I’ve found the next thing to potentially explore, the next thing to glom on to. Partner thinks this is hilarious, given how much I complain about 'just wanting to get comfortable and bored in the current job' before exploring anything else. I’ve also put my body (and brain) through a lot of I’M-GOING-TO-DIE survival stress - mainly through the pole dancing, but amongst other things too. Beyond liberation, I think there’s also a sense of…deliberation, which I think might be pivotal in consolidating all the exploration in July. Speaking of deliberation and pole dancing - here’s a quick progress update. I’m 4 lessons in, and am very pleased that I can do a basic invert, a cross knee release and an outside leg hang (I had to look all these terms up because I had no idea what they were called). They don’t look or feel terribly great, but I can do them. My body is shocked (and thoroughly smug); my brain is just shit terrified. I’m happy to report I’m stronger than I look, and apparently can lift my body weight around. Not bad at all. There are still a million things to work on of course. My flexibility is shabby, my grace and style nonexistent and my fear overpowers everything in the room when I’m upside down. While I have some strength, I don’t have enough of it to throw myself around effortlessly. My arms tire easily and my core gives up often before my brain does - this is very sad looking when you’re hanging upside down and trying to do a massive sit up to grab on to the pole for dear life. I also have zero working memory when it comes to choreography. I have also accrued an impressive collection of bruises, mostly from trying (and finally succeeding) at climbing the pole. I will say that despite all this, my sense of humour is still intact, and is a big part of why I enjoy the classes so much. In fact, I enjoy them so much that I'm thinking of taking a group class. Shocking. I also noticed my yoga practice improving physically. I’m getting stronger and more confident with my body - and I'm proud to announce that after years of pathetically trying (or rather, not trying very much at all out of fear), I can finally do a supported shoulder stand with very little difficulty on my part. I think after distress tolerance and discipline/psychological resilience, one of the biggest lessons I’m learning as an adult is the importance of physical health and resilience. Just like how psychological strength is pretty useless in some situations unless paired with adaptability and mental agility, being physically strong (for my size - I’m barely 5 feet thanks) can only take me so far. I’d like to work on my flexibility further - I think I’ve already started doing this intuitively over the last few months, but in the last week I’ve been setting aside time for deliberate practice. I’m excited. This is really fun.

Blip This is a reminder to myself. You can try to shortcut the process, but ultimately you’ll end up back where you are. Spirituality is a pursuit of the highest order, not an escape of suffering — although that may be a side effect (or a starting point for many). But to use spirituality as avoidance, is to condemn yourself to a common pitfall. Most days you’re pretty good at digesting material and content on an intellectual level. But spirituality is a practice that goes far beyond mental masturbation. Your brain may be switched on and receptive towards the ideas you bombard it with, but your mind is shut in ways you cannot comprehend even whilst writing this. So maybe take a healthy dose of JP verbiage and set your house in order. On days where you have to work, work. On days where you physically feel fine enough to run, run. Do yoga, meditate for reasons other than spirituality, feed yourself and your partner, take your sun-deprived self out for walks and let yourself rest. Read. Talk to your therapist. Poke at your generational trauma. Take a kickboxing class. Or a pole dancing lesson. You can let spirituality take a backseat if you’re not there yet. You push, because you pride yourself on building up a stellar (note: highly subjective) record of discipline and resilience as an adult. Independent of those who were meant to teach you such skills. You push because you fear that rest = not doing anything = flakiness = who I used to be = shame. But there’s no point pushing at times, because ‘doing the work’ isn’t a military drill. And your discipline means fuck all if it doesn’t serve you. At what point does resilience morph into rigidity? Be careful, for when it does, you will snap like a twig. So on days like these, I think it’s okay if you sleep for hours, and if the most you can do is post a semi-coherent entry on noxious parts of the internet that you creep around in. Life feels like a tightrope right now, so hang on, keep your balance. God will still be waiting when you wake up.

Try IFS (Internal Family Systems)

Haha I know. Go chase variety and novelty then. They don't have to be bad decisions. You could let college end naturally (especially if you are nearly finishing) and get a job you want in a distant city/foreign country. Doesn't have to be a crummy job. Or it could be. Up to you. Re: your combination of things - you could do all of that if you wanted to, but you can't do them all at once. So start somewhere. Honestly it sounds like you're bored with life and want to do something that gets your blood pumping. If you are exploring, start with something non-committal to begin with - eg. try kite surfing once, as opposed to enlisting in the military. Just saw what you said about the country aspect too, I feel for you - I've been there. It can be stifling. Side note, excessive drinking - generally not a good idea. Good luck with everything.

You can gain life experience by going out and doing the things you mentioned. If you want a girlfriend, go talk to more girls. If you want to travel the world, start with one place. Also, congrats on the job offer. That is life experience that someone else wants. You have that; learn what you can from it.

Am I living, or just waiting to die? ... ...is the podcast I have been listening to for the last hour, for no reason other than the fact that I really, really like the timbre of Kalel's voice. And I'm very happy to be able to say I'm most definitely living. I feel excessively alive, in fact. I think that is perhaps a side effect of discovering and working towards life and all it encapsulates in the last 4-5 years. At times, I feel like an excessively boisterous 4 year old in an adult body. Sounds utterly awful, but it feels like the best of both worlds right now. The skills of a functional adult, paired with the wonder and desire for exploration of a child. And to think that 4-5 years ago, I would have most definitely been in the 'waiting to die' camp. Not just waiting to die, but dead. A walking corpse for the first couple decades of my life. On a completely unrelated note, partner found bruises on my shoulders yesterday after pole class. From the sports bra digging into skin as I spend most of the time desperately clinging on while hauling my body weight. I'm also sporting two nasty bruises on my feet from learning (desperately attempting and failing) to climb. It's lesson two, and I already feel a lot more comfortable around the pole, although I reckon the lack of grace will hang around for much longer. There was also a tiny part of me that beamed lots when the instructor said I was strong and could do most of the conditioning exercises to form. This is the part where I shout out the home yoga, as well as every rock climbing, kickboxing and gym session I had in the past. Thanks for not letting my body fall into disrepair. I like that. I like being strong, I think. For a long time -- most of my life -- I wasn't. On another unrelated note - and because segue-ways are overrated in streams of consciousness - I am so close to closing this chapter. I'm working hard (uhh, hard, by my standards) on the final assignment. I am surprisingly not procrastinating much, how very unlike me. It's two more months, a final assessment day, and then I'll be a qualified practitioner. I want to be proud, and maybe one day I will be able to with more ease, but right now being present and focused feels a little more important. Either way, my plan for August is fun times in the sun and maybe trying to be less hermit-like. And reading. After more than 6 months of unexplainable disinterest, I'm getting back into it again. Could just be the weather talking, but I really like my life right now. I think I will always love being alive, given past circumstances, but right now, I really like it.

July: Exploration My arms felt like I had permanently yanked them 2 inches out of my shoulder sockets. I went into that pole dancing class knowing it was going to be a bit of graceless buffoonery. I could take that. What I really couldn’t take was the day after when I woke up dramatically catatonic in bed. My arms hurt, my core hurt, my shoulders hurt, my palms hurt, even my knuckles hurt. It was fun as hell though. I’ve booked my next class in. June has been a mix of physical recovery from Covid, along with a wild game of catch up with uni work post rona. I will admit that catching the virus did change much of my perspective on it. Took me all of 2 seconds to backtrack on all my principles and announce that I’m never leaving the house without a hazmat suit now. Hyperbolic jokes aside, I don’t want that fear to take over. Which is why July has been a gradual resurfacing. Strangely enough, falling ill felt like a mental and spiritual reset. I came back with a greater appreciation for life. My yoga and meditation practice was on steroids for awhile. In a way, it’s wonderful that I feel rejuvenated and hyper alive again. On the other hand, for months I have been thinking of how my meditation practice has plateaued and how I need to switch things up. It’s concerning that the change process was not self-driven, and to this day, I still don’t know what constitutes the change itself. Obviously I’m glad the universe dumped it in my lap, but for future reference, I still wouldn’t know what to do when that happens again. The covid haze also offered opportunity for several breakthroughs in IFS - breakthroughs I’m still integrating into my day to day life. In other news, all the social stuff (not that there has been much, although that is loads by my standards) I’ve done lately has felt very dull. I can’t tell if that is due to the people around me or if it’s just my state of mind. I’d really like to do more wild swimming this summer - what’s left of it anyway, thanks covid. The sea looks very inviting today, maybe I’ll tempt partner into a long walk and dip.

You're talking about negative reinforcement vs. positive reinforcement. It doesn't matter which you use, presumably you'd use a mix of both anyway over a period of time.

Sometimes girls just want attention and interaction in between dates and texting is an easy way to do that. But if you don't want to tolerate it then @puporing's suggestion is great. Screen for girls who prefer IRL over text. Or give them a phone call lol. Shocking, I know. Absolutely unheard of.

It's inconvenient for them because you no longer fit in their expectations and how they want things to be. You said it yourself in your initial post. "It’s so much better to play with three people rather than two.”

You can develop a real relationship online, but you probably want to video call them at some point lol. And if your relationship progresses then it's probably important to meet in person.

There's nothing especially 'good' about texts. If a girl is attracted to you, she will like the flirty attention both in-person and online. But girls will shit test you over texts as well, so if you can't handle the banter then don't bother with texts.

You could go alone.

Because you are in the process of changing and most people don't tolerate change in others very well if it is inconvenient for them.

All of the above. Also focus on process, not on speed.

Ugh I mean I admit this is my ideal morning routine. Would be happy for the rest of my existence if I could do this everyday.

Haha this was my initial gut reaction too. I think it's generally rare, but maybe it doesn't feel rare for those of us who are lucky enough to create examples of healthy relationships or have others model them for us. This is a great reality check not to take it for granted, I suppose. Not that you were asking me, but in the spirit of offering up unsolicited information and grand sweeping statements, yes I am actually. It's rare but possible. You absolutely can. Love your spirit. Hope you hang on to it.

@RendHeaven I guess you're right, limiting belief doesn't seem like the right terminology there. For the record, I do think those observations are accurate, but I also think they can be limiting, unless they are coupled with encouragement to practice skills that would contribute to conscious relationships. Just like how you can go out and approach 50 girls a night, you can practice emotional regulation in 50 different interactions. Also, what constitutes achieving a conscious relationship? One conscious interaction between a couple? Two? Ten? A thousand? Does one emotionally reactive interaction mean your relationship is no longer conscious? It's not something you 'achieve' one day, it's an ongoing process that you consciously engage in. That's the work, and it's constant. And that's also why 99.whatever-arbirtrary-percentage99 of people don't do it, because they are looking for a distinct ROI that quite often never shows up.

Wake up at 6.30. Check (and proceed to ignore) messages & notifications on phone. Yoga & meditate. Shower + excessively complicated skincare routine, because I can. Earl grey tea. Start work. I really struggle to get out of bed, the grogginess is real in the morning. Anyone here have any tips on how to actually wake up and bounce out of bed like an enthusiastic puppy, short of using blue light which I already do (to my own detriment)?

Wonderful list of tools. Often overlooked and underrated too in favour of more glamorous bling solutions. Thank you for such a brilliant reminder.

@Pure Imagination I hate to be that person but have you tried therapy? You asked for practical solutions, the best I can think of is a highly specialised psychological therapist who has lots of experience working with clients with social anxiety. Interview as many as you need until you find one you think is a best fit for you. If it's important to you, find someone who will incorporate spiritual aspects/practices into your treatment plan. Then give it at least a few months, but don't expect a quick fix. You mentioned childhood issues, and that often requires long term therapy that can take years. Even if you don't go into childhood stuff, tackling social anxiety can be a difficult painful lengthy process. Alcohol, substances and medication can be useful crutches (although whether they are actually helpful is up for debate). But when it comes to anxiety, a lot of the time the only way to really manage it long term is to go straight through it by tackling your core beliefs, exposing yourself to feeling fear (and not dying) and practicing those annoying inane techniques/strategies to help you manage. And the best way to do all of the above is with someone who knows what they are doing when it comes to social anxiety.

@Leo Gura Some of what you said about couples being in their 40s and 0.00whatever1 percent of people having capacity to engage in a conscious relationship - don't you think that's a bit of a limiting belief? I get the point you're trying to make is that it's rare. But stating hyperbolic statistics or arbitrary timelines for an equally arbitrary goal seems rather limiting.

Distress tolerance. I feel really worn down. Most of it is sleep deprivation and being ill from Covid, but a big part of it is a really intense feeling of disillusionment coupled with an underlying sense of brewing panic. I'm tired of being at the mercy of a system that appears to be failing the people who really, really need it to work. It is incredibly exhausting to have to do all your own research and prepare a case to advocate for yourself or your loved ones, yet communicate this information in a suitably deferential manner so as to not upset the egos of healthcare professionals who write your prescriptions. It's an impossible balance, made even more so by a significant drop in resilience, which anyone would experience after feeling so ill. It's such a wake up call to recognise time and time again that your health is one of the most important things. And hardly anyone who should care, cares. The few who do care are hampered and red taped by a system designed to save lives, which I'm sure it does brilliantly. Unfortunately, that very same system does little for those who need significant improvement in their lives, or those who are not dying, but in massive amounts of pain or suffering. There are few things that are worse than watching a loved one suffer. If I could take it all away or bear it myself, I would, in a heartbeat. Turns out my level of distress tolerance can be rather low at times. I'm going to go attempt some yoga to regulate my nervous system so I can have an actual conversation with the doctor when they do call later.

I got a very different understanding from that video. Focus on building a life that is meaningful and purposeful to you. A flower pot (I'm guessing you meant pot, not pod) could drop on your head tomorrow and 'destroy your skills', but you still work on those skills today if it brings value and meaning to you. And I really doubt anyone who is focused on their life purpose spends any significant time mulling over what to do if they were quadriplegic. That's a bridge you cross only if you ever need to.