Alta

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Posts posted by Alta

  3. Posted

    Before my experience I would've thanked Leo for everything he is doing, but now I'm aware that I would be thanking only a figment of conciousness (quite an accomplishment as a teacher eh?(I mean Leo) :))

    Trip location was in nature
    As before I ate 1g of shrooms, waited 1 hour for them to kick in. After one hour effects started showing themselves, but they were very weak (my goal was not to explore conciousness, but to improve and gain some insights about my life, so even for this goal the effects were super weak). Then I decided to take some more, and in total I ate about 2 grams. Again 1 hour passes and not even a single difference in my state of awareness, I was getting pissed off and sad, but acknowledged that probably my tolerance was too high, as only 4 days has passed from my previous trip.

    I laid down and now here where all the fun begins.

    My mind slowly became confused, it was so subtle that I didn't even noticed it initially, until a lot of time I finally realized that something weird is definetly happening. It felt uncomfortable, and I thought maybe shrooms finally started to kick in and decided to observe the effects. I couldn't make sense at all wether I'm feeling something or not, I was feeling so confused to the point of where I couldn't understand wether I am actually confused or not.
    My mind started to lose grip with reality. Every action, thought and feeling didn't make any sense. It was irrelevent wether I'm doing or thinking something. My understanding went from black and white to grey and even past that. I noticed a strong desire to quickly make sense and find out of what was happening, but everything just didn't compute in me. I wasn't able to connect any dots. I wasn't calm, but I also wasn't disturbed by the experience. All I knew is that I couldn't know anything in the moment. My mind was going in loops of trying to understand what I was trying to understand. Everything was a mess and even an idea of a mess was so far for me. Good and bad was a nonsense as every other duality. 

    I decided to find answers on this forum and stumbled upon another trip report where someone experienced non-dual madness. I thought maybe I am too in this state of madness, but it also didn't make any sense. I noticed that people recommend surrendering. I tried to surrender, but as everything else, the idea of surrendering doesnt make any sense, and I just couldn't do that. Not that I was afraid, but nothing was happening when I tried to surrender, just madness that I couldn't end or escape. I turned off my phone and decided to fully experience this state, without any desire to end it. Some more hellish time spent in that state, until I started hallucinating where my imagination would override the physical world. 
    I saw weird shaped lifeforms and at some point they started getting even more distorted which made them visually suffer. I was empathetic and felt sad for them, as if it was me who was suffering, but then the last and the only realization I needed. I thought "Wait, why am I identifying with all of that?". They all disappeared and my mind finally got its grip back on reality. 
    I had the biggest "aha'' moment of my life. I took a giant step back from everything that was happening in consciousness and realized that I was consciously imagining EVERYTHING. Even the perceiver is just a figment of my consciousness. Just pure consciousness being itself forever. My life is a joke because it was never real. So many realizations come from this state, as if its a different realm. 

    It can go infinitely meta with the power of everything. This is what liberation is. Imaginary liberation. Infinity needs to contract itself in order to know itself. It creates all of reality through infinite intelligence. 

    And finally its a permament realization. I can enter construct awareness state on a whim, and everytime I do that joy and laugh comes. 
    The benefits are showing themself and they are not ending. So the only thing I would like to ask here is what other benefits this state brings? If I'm sad I can realize that I'm consciously making myself feel sadness and boom its gone. If I'm nervous I could do the same thing and instead of nervousness laughter comes. 

    Every knowledge mind holds is relative and that is the reason why non-duality can be so scary. 
    Thank you again Leo and everyone. The best thing consciousness could offer - consciousness helping you to realize it. And I see why its solipsistic lol.

  5. Posted

    First I really want to thank Leo for everything he does, hands down the most important and life changing person for me. And also everyone on this forum cuz reading your advises helped me a lot. Thank you all. Rewatching Leo's older videos after the trip where he smiles (at least sometimes) brings me happiness. Smile people. 
    Everything with "-" in the beginning are my notes from the recording during the trip

    I took only 1g of shrooms at 1:30 am and then decided to make myself even more comfy by bringing my mattress on the floor.
    I was expecting for the effects to show themselves in more than one hour but I already started tripping before I managed to lay the mattress on the floor.

    2:20 am
    - Why do people always DO something, and it seems as if they never BE, cuz being is SO much easier... doing feels so damn haaard
    I was standing trying to figure out what I have to do with that mattress that stood tall beside me, but as I said, doing something felt much more difficult compared to being, so I just sat down.
    - I feel so good, It feels like I got even higher than on 1.5 shrooms (and here reality decided to play a funny joke on me) 
    ^^ I said this sentence in russian so instead of "I got even higher" I said "меня еще мощнее накрыло" and "накрыло" literally translates as "covered" so the moment I said that, the mattress almost fell on me but stopped just above my head because of the wall, and there I was, covered by the mattress laughing that I got covered in both ways. 

    Considering that I wasnt able to lay down the mattress in the beginning, there was no chance I could do that now. So I sat below the mattress as if it was my roof, noticing that I had a desire to rub my head against its soft material. I felt love towards it.
    - For some reason I love this mattress... and for some reason it loves me back. 
    - I dont understand
    I questioned the reasons why I felt love towards it for five minutes and in fact the journey with this mattress continued for good 20 minutes where I tapped into feminine and masculine energies. In short, feminine energy loved and allowed the mattress to cover me, and masculine energy decided to place the mattress properly.

    3:00 am 
    I covered my eyes with blindfold 
    - Who am I? 

    I sat there only for a minute until I got scared a little because my senses started to lose touch with reality (thats probably how sensory deprivation tank feels)
    I made a weird sound in awe of the sheer power of psychedelics
    - this shit is powerful (then I understood that I had to continue)
    - I'm sorry 

    I continued to explore the darkness for the truth 
    10 minutes pass. I started mildly hallucinating. Before the last click as I heard gibberish talk in which I recognized Rupert Spira and someone else. They told me the truth and then bam there is no self. 

    - There is no self...
    - Wait there literally is no self... its such an illusion 
    - It... It makes sense of reality 
    - And by reality... its consciousness... it just is. And that IS, is so magnificent... its so damn big
    - Wait... is it actually the case... God... dumbed himself down (at this point im mind blown, and breathing hard)
    - To not see that he is God
    Now something started to confuse me (because ego started to come back)
    - oooh you little b... hahaha
    - Wait, how, I just saw through the illusion
    - Now thats funny isn't it?
    - but wait, there is I that is present anyways
    I started laughing outloud at the funny experience of seeing through ego and seeing it come back, its just so funny I dont know how to describe it in other way. The fact that I saw that there is no self and got an answer, but then ego comes back and asks "Am I going to be left with no asnwers?" is so hilarious 
    - its soo stupid... I just saw the answer but then... I (started dying of laughter)
    - now the self will try to question the experience of no-self and... what the fuck its just funny hahaah
    - it just doesnt make any sense 
    - There is no self, but there is I

    - My job is just to be aware, and ego's job is to make sense of everything, to not go insane
    - human life is just a trip for God, for him to explore itself
    - thats also why we fall in love with someone
    - I understand that there is no-self now BUT THEN... there is something MORE

    For some reason my name came into my mind out of nowhere... I decided to go with it and started saying it outloud 
    the only question that I asked was where do I begin and where do I end?
    - So wait... less self is... what? Less self is better... wait... less self is better to whom? Whaaat
    - From which place was I speaking?
    - E V E R Y T H I N G I S A S E L F
    - Who said that? 

    I've been silent for 20 minutes 
    - I see a path to infinity... wait
    - the moment you try to grasp it you lose it 
    - Infinity. Infinity. Бесконечность. Infinity. its infinite. Uncaged. Im soaked in it
    I decided to list infinities. I started with infinite delusion and then out of nowhere I said infinite... love?

    I sat in silence contemplating what it means.
    (in my head) - Love=understanding. Understanding=knowing
    - BUT THAT MEANS ITS ME
    - I am... Love
    I started crying laughing uncontrollably
    - I...am...Love... 
    - Its just too much
    - thats what God is (screaming) what the fucckk (almost choked laughing)
    - Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness (the moment I realized what I was saying it clicked that God is also Absolute Goodness
    Then I spent 5 minutes staring at my hands in awe

    I'm glad reality got my back and I decided to go with 1gram of this stuff. Powerful as hell 
    Integration time. Love you all. Peace.



     

  6. Posted

    @Asayake Thanks for the response. Trying to unveil my own lifestory is so tricky, the mind is SO tricky, I've been numb to emotions for the most of my life and its my way of being, my thoughts is the most frequent place I go to, but the moment I took shrooms everything flipped. My heart was full of love for every damn thing, emotions were so clear and navigating, but because I 'practiced' thinking so much, my logical thinking wasnt affected at all, so its probably all combined into a very pleasent experience  

  7. Posted

    Not during meditation, but during my childhood everytime I had a fever I would have a dream about two black holes being next to eachother (note that I was so young that I didnt knew black holes were even a thing) the experience was full of fear as if I had to do something. These two black holes communicated with each other and they wanted to "conquer" the world or be in control, ⚫⚫ thats how it looked. I had many dreams that are so weird and abstract but what really peeks my interest is that they all have spiritual connotation to it. 

  8. Posted

    I've been smoking weed for 2 years now, and been using it for personal development and introspection, and I have never tried to work on my traumas on weed, cuz it wasn't obvious to me as if I had any lingering traumas or not, even though at some point in my childhood there was traumatic events. So yesterday I smoked weed and wasnt expecting to get so high, but it was easy to manage it, and as usual I was working high on my music, until suddenly I started feeling funny and open to everything that was going through my mind, and for some reason that traumatic event came into my mind in which my life was threatened as a child. For my whole life this event wasnt concerning me, and seemingly didnt effect my in any way (I thought so at least). While remembering the whole thing I ''battled'' the resistence that I felt with ease and it was going so smooth, I felt very warm in my chest and full of love for myself. For me weed sometimes causes some weird thoughts which I would brush off as high thoughts, but during that experience I decided to let all of my emotions and thoughts to be and accept them, and the pinnacle of that experience was when I told myself "I love myself, even if this situation happened''. Im just confused what happened and why? Someone said on this forum that trauma release happens on its own when our psychological well being is ready for that, and it seems that it is the case. Out of all my smoking sessions this one felt so lovely and calm. 
    Now that I'm sober I try to think of some other traumatic events and feel the same as usual - just nothing
    Notably during this week I've been ''resting'' in my awareness and the more I did it the more connected I felt. 
    I want to undestand the topic of trauma better, I'll be thankful for any help. much love

  9. Posted

    If present moment which is just being aware of being aware is absolute, why I dont see infinity and other stuff like that (god)? 
    From this moment I finnaly understand that meditation is not a "doing" but "being" 
    And as Leo said there is infinite amount of dimension to this state
    How do I keep moving deeper?

    And now I know what I need to "do" on shrooms, I will just "be" and see what comes forth

     

  10. Posted

    Oh my god guys thanks to all of you that replied to me.
    I created this post out of desparation, I've been fully focused on spiritual path with little glimpses of something that I couldn't find answers to, and sudenly just 2 days ago, right after this post, I have become aware of just being aware. 
    It was a great problem for me, and it really felt like I was searching for glasses while being in one, the thing is that I couldn't take a step back from my thoughts to realize that they are just the same experience like sight and hearing, and for me it was like an "aha" moment. It feels so peaceful in this state, and its such a synchronicity that all of you started replying to this post just after this realization (love all of you)
    I have a geniune question to Leo, how do I move from this place? 
    What is next? I want to explore this new beatiful area that I was seemingly blind to, and Leo seems like a best teacher for this stuff
    again thanks to all of you!

  11. Posted

    I'm going to take 3g of magic shrooms for consciousness work. I've only done shrooms 2 times and it was 1.5 grams, and I wasn't educated that much about non duality and some other deep stuff, so what really shocked me during those trips is that I was so monkey-like and watching myself in a mirror felt weird as if it was not really me but an ape or monkey thing. Now I can see that it was a projection of my mind (I really like animals) and now I can see that everyday world is super weird if I would deconstruct science ideas out of everything. 
      I would like to hear advice from people here for my trip. What meditation should I do (if I should)? In which direction should I lean towards (I know that shrooms really like to dictate the trip, but still I want to go as deep as I can) 
      I know that psychedelics are super powerful, I'll make sure that everything is safe, and my friend is going to trip sit me. 
    Im afraid that I would just enchance my previous ideas of reality and think that its the way it is, cuz my friend sort of believes in simulation theory and what he saw during mushroom trip is that his walls vanished and instead his room was made out of binary code and "creator" of this simulation spoke with him in computer language. So am I supposed to just full factory reset my ideas of reality and see what comes up? 
    I would like to hear wisdom from you guys and then wisdom from shrooms. Thx

  12. Posted

    I see, the point is to find the irreducible 'thing' so trying to reduce even that experience I had is the way to go, thanks! Also in the past I was doing the kundalini yoga and meditation and I felt this random surge of energy in my body, which felt so weird and I couldn't understand it so I came here for the info and everytime I would read about kundalini or nature of reality this energy becomes turbulent and I become very impatient with what I'm reading as if almost discomforting (which basically never happens to me). So is it ego again trying to distract or hide the truth? Its interesting cuz I understand the context of kundalini and all of that which means the ego also understands it and so the deeper I go about this journey the closer my ego is to dying

  13. Posted

    I was doing the neti neti method and when the last thing was gone (thoughts) I started vaguely seeing in my imagination something that I actually saw in my childhood during a fever dream and this memory from childhood got completly deleted from my memory but when this experience occured it just clicked in me and I suddenly remembered it  and it even felt the same. I can't describe it now, and I think I would'nt be able to put it in words even during the experience. But the thing is that during this state what was really present is fear. I, or better maybe my body felt so much fear that it affected my mind and so I started to become terrified. I tried to surrender to this fear and calm myself down, but about in a minute this experience completly wear off and I was left with the biggest confusion and "what the fuck was that" thought. Did I messed it up? Cuz at some point I tried to describe what I'm experiencing and maybe it ruined it. I really want to point out the fact that I definetly experienced that in my childhood maybe even multiple times and it used to scare me a lot (I was a kid cmon who would put a child through such thing) Elp  

  14. Posted

    I just wanted to post the same thing but decided to go with more simple stuff like dreams.
    During my neti neti meditation I somehow entered some "realm" cuz I dont have words to describe it (maybe state of consciousness) and it indeed felt like a childhood dream that I had but it got completely deleted from my memory. And for some reason I felt extreme fear throughout the whole process. It all went away the moment I tried to put it into words. After this I thought why the hell would someone or something put a child mind through such thing

  15. Posted

    I'm new to forum so I dont know if its okay to post this here
    As a kid while being sick and with a fever I would always have those dreams that I think have something related with all of that spiritual stuff
    The first one is about a floating sphere in a vast white space, and in fact there is a lot of people that had the exact same dream. Most of the people have some object in their dreams to become infinitely small or big and that would scare the crap out of them, but for me it was a bit different. As my sight was glued to the sphere, it would start changing its texture, the soft perfect sphere would become spiky, or hard, or it would have a texture of leaves, but the most crazy part is that my body would FEEL the texture of the sphere as it changes. ITS SUPER UNPLEASANT. My whole body would feel the spikiness, or softness (the softness is the most unpleasant). It seems like my body or mind falsely identifies itself with that sphere and so the surface area of that sphere translates onto me. I remember Leo saying that God is a shapeshifter, and that dream kind of hits this mark. 
    The second dream is vaguely remembered, and its even harder to explain. I would see two fully black flat circles that are almost or slightly touching each other (they really look like black holes to me now as black holes appear just like flat blackness). And the thing is that those circles were sentient, they had some kind of intention of taking control or doing something that I cant remember as I always forgot the moment I wake up, and they would argue with each other about who would be the one to do the something. And I would have this sense of dread, and need to do something to stop them. There is also a third dream but its hard to explain it in a proper way cuz english is not my native language. Do you have some similar dreams? I sense so much meaning in dreams especially in those super weird ones.