I'm 23. I currently work in software Sales and occasionally do a dj gig. I have 1,300 in credit card debt. No other debt. So I'll be able to pay it off in a month or less. I got here by being deeply unaware and insecure. I always felt separate from others and never really sought help for it, just coped with it by isolating myself in my room (which has extremely hindered my spiritual development) and not really hanging out with anyone ever and just entertaining myself. And so I've never really grown in any meaningful way. Social isolation breeds materialism. I never really wanted to do sales or work in marketing, which is what I did previously. I did it and I did it at a young age because I knew college would put me into debt and that scared me because I had no idea what I wanted. And I was so insecure about my jobs that I made them my whole life because I was paranoid of being fired and it got extremely unhealthy. It was also a way for avoiding my feelings or dealing with people face to face as all my jobs have been remote and very isolating and lonely. I don't know what makes me come alive. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know how to escape this. I feel so trapped and completely fucked. I live with my parents. I have no car. I have a few childhood and past local school friends but they're busy with their own friends and situations after I ditched them for 3 years chasing money and being overall silly. There's nothing remotely cool or social local. I feel like I'm playing a losing game if I have to pay to talk to people and interact with them yet I did it for a while because I was that desperate. I can firmly say I have never lived outside of my own fear. I've never lived. I'm afraid to even interact with people because I'll come off as materialistic or like I have nothing going for me because we'll I really don't. Everything in my life is fake or a lie. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. I want to do whatever produces the least amount of suffering for myself. I want to deeply authentic connect with someone. My head is constantly unconscious and buzzing. I am pretty much never present. I am deeply deeply worried about my future fate. Especially the thought of me becoming homeless or someone going through life with a lot of unmet needs. I am so ashamed of myself, my existence, and how I even arrived at this point. I wish I could time travel back to 13 year old me and get his ass to wake the fuck up to all the fucked up things that were going on with me. But that's not how reality works. Insecurity breeds materialism which is inherently isolating and people don't like these kind of people which makes it a whole cycle. I've wasted an embarrassing amount of money on stuff that I didn't even truly want. On people I didn't really care about. My health is meh. My self care is virtually non existent. My self neglect is obvious. I lack self love yada yada. I'm just fucking tired. I'm so overwhelmed and it feels like my brain is fried. I don't know what to do. I just know I need to get the fuck out at all costs. Why can't a southern black church going family adopt me lol. Why am I making money for no reason other than to make money? I genuinely don't know what I even like. Which makes me avoid people even more because they have happy balanced lives and I don't. I guess you need to talk to people face to face to figure that out or something? Idfk. I'd love any words of advice. I can't go on living this fake life. I've heard that gratitude, meditation, and limiting exposure to buying stuff or ads, being motivated by something higher than yourself, etc, is very helpful. But is there anything else? How can I salvage my life? I plan on staying with the sales job for no less than 6 months so I can save up enough to quit. I don't know anyone deeply nearby and my opportunities for interacting with them are limited. My dad can drive me around but I'm sick of my parents involvement in my life tbh. I want to get away from them but I need to build the psychological defenses to do that because I left before and it was a ton of suffering. I want a well balanced, spiritually healthy, mentally healthy, physically healty, financially ok, deeply fulfilling, satisfied life. The path that I am on is the wrong path. I've been mindless and unaware and now I'm scared that I won't live a good life. And I'm so unhealthy. I have nothing going for me outside of work and money. I plan on learning how to cook but I genuinely don't do much because I feel so exhausted from this soul debt. I don't like spending money on myself because it just reminds me of the trap I'm in. I don't feel in control of my life. I don't feel empowered. L
