Lorandt Aszom

It's probably already been suggested but I would love to see a video on time. Why it appears that time is flowing despite the illusion of time being created by memories of the past and projections into the future presented by consciousness in this, and only this, moment. The metaphysics of moments, what they are and how they exist. How it ties in with awakening. I know he's touched on time and enlightenment probably clears up any and all questions pertaining to this but I quite enjoy listening to Leo's more conceptual, metaphysical videos. Honestly quite surprised Leo hasn't covered it already, seems like a pretty fundamental topic to me.

I had a mental breakdown four years ago trying to understand myself, life and reality by looking inwards and questioning the nature of existence and understanding. I intentionally stopped all my self improvement work. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it but because it had become a compulsive behaviour and I wasn't sure if it was what I was supposed to be doing in life. If it was, I didn't know if I wanted to be doing it that way. I was confused about my love for music. How could I tell if I genuinely loved music if I was constantly making myself do it whether I wanted to or not. I didn't know if it was just getting hard or if I maybe hated it and needed to admit that to myself. Trying to push through just kept my mind occupied and frazzled when I had questions about myself and what I was doing. I was obsessed with my health and found relief in going against my fear of damaging myself. The problem is now I've done all this experimentation in doing what I considered the 'wrong' thing (i.e not caring about what I ate, how I lived, how much weed I smoked etc.) and I feel like I've become dumber. I probably have. My head is clouded and my body is damaged and I can't seem to fully remember why I did what I did. I can't explain myself anymore because I tried to let the need to defend myself go too along with everything else. Now, improvement seems important again despite the apparent meaninglessness and illusory nature of life and I'm left with an ego that has destroyed itself through merciless questioning. I am now left with neither the person I had created myself to be through pursuit of personal development nor have I really retained the insights and realisations I had about life, paradox, human nature, desire, subject-environment relationship, etc. and I can no longer recall all the reasons I felt I needed to stop my whole life in the first place. I just feel like I've lost everything. Now all of my friends are ahead of me and I never got the spiritual answer I was looking for. I figured if there was an unwavering inner peace one could access at any time it would have to be unconditional so it shouldn't matter what I do if that's all I really want. It really fucking frustrates me because I was more disciplined than anyone else I knew from 13 years old and I did really well in school and was generally mature and intelligent for my age. I should have been the last person to stop pursuing self improvement. I was super strict with my diet, my pursuits, my social development and was very careful about the sort of media I consumed and even sold my playstation at 15 to focus completely on my life and my pursuit of drumming (which I was super committed to at the time). I don't know what the fuck happened. I was so confused. My reality fell apart and I have been mainly at home for the last four years as I dropped out of school in year 10. Initially to pursue drumming further but as I had more time to think I had more and more questions about why I was doing what I was doing, who I could trust, what I could trust in myself, how I could know whether I was right or wrong, etc. Of course I wanted to stick with my good habits in the beginning just to be safe (I was deathly afraid of screwing up) but it caused me this tension and I saw how my thoughts tied in with my actions and that I would never know if I could find peace in self acceptance rather than constantly chasing improvement if I never tried letting go of it all. I think about killing myself at times. Not that I really think I would do it but the fantasy comforts me. I'm fucking broken now. I was super into self improvement before and I never thought I would stop under any circumstances. Who I was and my level of development was more important to me than anything else. Well, at least in terms of health and mastery of a skill. I can't remember what happened now and I'm afraid of wasting time and regret but I also remember fearing being caught in the obsession with maximising improvement all the time. I'm just angry. I wanted an answer that would give me certainty that I was on the right track with practical improvement so I wouldn't slip up but I never got one. I was deeply unsure. If I held onto improvement it would have been solely out of blind belief and fear of losing progress. Where was the inner guidance when I needed it? I don't fucking want it now. I wanted it four years ago when I needed it before I lost my fucking grip. I want to try psychedelics now but I feel like they'll just show me what I already know I have to do. The truth that I don't want to face. Why wasn't it clear self improvement is what I should stick to four years ago when I needed that understanding. I actively sought these answers for so long but I just kept running into epistemic paradoxes which I now have lost interest in and understanding of. I'm angry I didn't try psychedelics a year or so into this when I thought they might help me break through the understanding I was struggling with. I was 17 and thought I was too young. I should have just fucking done it. Probably would have saved me from all this shit. It's too late now, the damage is done. I don't know. I hate myself now. I don't even want to try. I've been meditating daily again and working out and trying to eat healthy again but I'm constantly hit with waves of sadness and anger about the fact that I would have been four years ahead of where I am had I not questioned everything so much. Had I managed to attain some clarity and understanding that trying not to be attached to anything wasn't going to help me at all. I used to be passionate about self improvement but now I would almost rather be dead. I would definitely rather be dead. I want to stop existing. If I was supposed to just stick with self improvement that should have been self evident and fucking obvious regardless of my mental state. Otherwise how are you supposed to know that's what to do? I just wanted truth that I could see in any state that would guide me the right way. Intuition or something I could rely on but everything seemed dependent on perspective and bias. It seemed at the time that my obsession with self improvement was actually the problem. I had some OCD-like behaviours such as carefully cleaning my teeth for over two hours. Maybe this whole episode was a subconscious rebellion or ego backlash against my strict self discipline. Anyway, point is I'm fucking terrified. I had reasons for doing what I did but now I can't explain my thoughts like I could before. I almost feel like I don't even have thoughts anymore. I don't know what to do. I know the answer is probably to try to improve myself again as much as I can and catch up and that I just have to deal with the damage I've done and there's no way of it not hurting. I don't want to do that. There was something I realised about the futility of pursuing improvement and I'm sick of playing this game although there appears to be no escape. I don't know. I feel like I don't know or remember anything anymore. I feel dumb and completely broken. I don't know what I'm asking. I just want to hit the reset button. As immature and whiny as it sounds I feel like this was really fucking unfair. All I've ever tried to do was the right thing. How has it lead me to this point? I think I'm experiencing an emotional low right now which is why the feelings are so intense and obvious at the moment but they're sort of always there in the background. Also, I realise this post is sort of messy and poorly written. Sorry. It's a bit of a word vomit but if I get too meticulous I'll have a mental lock up and lose my train of thought. I sort of just needed to vent a little. Any thoughts on my situation? I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I don't know. I made a similar post a while ago that was perhaps a little more coherent asking for advice for self forgiveness but I don't know that that's the problem anymore. I don't know. I just feel completely broken. If I didn't have a family to hurt I would probably consider suicide. I want to cry but I can't. I want some emotional release or resolve. I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety. I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me.

@Nicoleta Yeah, I do write a lot every day. Other than a short period where I stopped for a while I have been writing pretty much daily for years. It did help me release some tension and understand my thoughts a little more. It's just that at this point it's a struggle for me. For some reason I'm just unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings like I used to. I feel like I can't remember anything anymore. I can't defend my past actions anymore because I can't remember the details. I just stopped trying to think at a certain point because it felt better. I had questions nobody could answer. They caused an issue for me. Now it feels like all that has been wiped away and I'm left with 'Well, what the hell did you do all this stupid shit for? Wasn't it obvious that pursuing self improvement was better than letting everything fall apart?' And my answer now is 'I don't know'. I just want someone to go through my past and explain it to everyone else for me. I'm so tired. I'm sick of trying. Anyway, thanks for the reply. I hope I figure myself out at some point.

@Raze Thanks, I'll check those links out.

@Judy2 Thanks for the reply, that was nice to read. I'll try focus on being and the present a little more.

@Theperciever Thanks, I'll give it a shot.

This is a really long post. Sorry. I was a good kid. I was always learning a new skill and I did really well in school. I was smart for my age. I found I was able to learn and improve quickly and received recognition for it. When I got to high school I started to fix all the things that bothered me about myself. It worked really well for a while. I was always pushing myself to be better in all areas - learning, physical health, social development, etc. I started drumming in year 8 and like all the other skills I had decided to learn, I worked hard and consistently. I improved very quickly. I decided I needed to stick to something so I could master it rather than keep switching to another pursuit. However, I was still concerned I wouldn't be able to be one of the best as I had started at 13 which I considered late. In year 10 I decided if I wanted to be really good at drumming I needed to drop out and start practising all day every day. Quite a drastic decision but I was very determined and decided I had the work ethic and the drive and it was what I needed to do. But as I dropped out, I started to doubt whether I really liked music enough or not. Whether I was a genuine musician. I didn't listen to much music when I was younger and I treated most of my listening like work to improve myself as a musician. Practice was hard work too. I realised in all my efforts to improve myself I had created this tension in me. I started to wonder if I really wanted to pursue music as a career. I spoke to all my music teachers and muso friends about it but nothing they said could settle my doubt. Then I started to question everything. What did it mean to love something or be passionate about something? I could get good at whatever I wanted by pouring effort into it but what makes a pursuit the right one? What makes it authentic? What gives a person value - their skill level or the effort they put in? I noticed I was driven by an obsessive need to be constantly pushing myself or I wouldn't be reaching my full potential. And so all this doubt scared me. I didn't want to stop. I thought 'time is being wasted and I don't know what to do' I tried to push through a few times and sort of went back and forth between deciding to tough it out with music (maybe I had just hit a plateau) but then wondering if perhaps I was holding onto something that wasn't meant to be. In the end I figured if I even have to ask if I really love music its probably not something I should dedicate my life to. So I let it go. This made me feel very sad. I started questioning life. What did I want? What was the point? What was I supposed to do? I even started to question my positive habits. I was obsessed with my health. I was so afraid of making a mistake and ruining my health and that then inhibiting me in my pursuits down the track. Because I had all this free time my mind told me I now no longer had an excuse to not give full attention to worrying about my health. I was so careful about it, particularly my teeth. For example, I would spend sometimes an hour or two carefully cleaning my teeth and making sure I didn't get germs on my toothbrush or floss stick. I would be afraid to sit on the couch because it seemed dirty. It made me anxious when my sisters made slime with borax. Anything that threatened my health caused me a lot of stress. It even got to the point where I would just lay in bed all day looking at the ceiling because I was afraid of accidentally doing something that could threaten my health. My work ethic had nothing to occupy it so it latched onto preserving what I was worried about losing until I could find myself a pursuit I could dedicate my life to. I noticed that upholding a high standard of health caused me tension. That tension and anxiety disappeared when I broke my own rules and did something unhealthy. I was afraid to but it gave me relief and mental freedom that I hadn't really felt in a long time. I thought that perhaps my problem was that my whole system of productivity and self improvement was built on fear. So I let go of more habits. I stopped making sure I exercised every day. I stopped my meditation practice. I stopped eating healthy. I was afraid of losing all these things so I thought I was attached. I thought I should be detached and surrender and let go. I figured if I kept trying to think my way out of this I'd wind up even more tense, so I began to let go as much as possible and operate more from my feelings and what felt right. I let whatever happened happen. This then led to my avoidance of discipline as I felt it caused me tension and was feeding into my fear and attachment. I was pursuing some idealistic anxiety free way of living life. Every time I feared I was damaging my health I'd double down and do something more unhealthy to shut the fear up. I spent a lot of time contemplating life, myself and my mind which led to running into paradoxes, meaninglessness and experiencing a solipsistic derealisation type thing that scared the shit out of me. I was also terrified of how much sense it made that reality is infinite because it implies infinite suffering. So that also threw me for a loop. Eventually at 18, after lots of ruining my life, I started smoking weed and playing video games all the time. I just didn't care anymore. Although I didn't want to admit it, my efforts to surrender and not act out of fear turned into seeking comfort and instant gratification. I thought if I want to improve my health again I shouldn't feel bad about the past because it will just hinder me. This was one of the main reasons I was trying to shake my attachment to my high standards. But I did feel bad. That upset me. I would frequently argue with myself, talking to my mind as if it were a separate entity that wouldn't cooperate with me and I blamed it for the whole situation. The only thing that made me feel ok was being reckless as it helped to break any tension I felt. It gave me a sense of freedom. I was afraid of getting caught up in being attached and obsessive again. I also just didn't want to try anymore. I was bitter and was sick of playing life's game. I was hoping if I could just squash my fear, my natural desire to be healthy and learn would take over, but it never did. After a while I decided if I could just have peace of mind I wouldn't need to satisfy my ego with great success. Though, I never found lasting peace. So I've spent four years (16-20) doing all this experimentation and self questioning trying to quell my suffering and find some sort of clarity. I wanted to be learning something this whole time and working on myself but I was so confused and it would have gone against my principle of surrendering and not trying to control anything. I guess I also felt so starved of comfort that when everything came crashing down that was all I sought. I wanted to nail down my understanding so I wouldn't waste any more time but it didn't work as there were always more questions. I wanted to find a way out, but going back meant I would have to admit what I'd done was all wrong and I couldn't face that. I would say to my mind 'You should have helped me to stay disciplined before when I asked you, we're doing things differently now.' I've gotten to the point now where I realised I could have the fear of cutting my own hand off and I shouldn't have to cut my hand off to 'face the fear' in order for it to go away and so that sort of forced me to admit this whole endeavour was a stupid mistake that has cost me a lot. I've started meditating again, trying to eat healthy and exercise like I used to but its painful knowing what I've lost. I have let my brain, body and many skills deteriorate and I just feel deeply angry, scared and sad about the whole situation. I was an obsessive person. I never wanted to give up my good habits. I only did so because I thought I was causing my own anxiety by clinging to them. I thought maybe because I was highly confused, continuing my good habits would count for a lot because it was harder. However I also thought 'What if the solution is to let go and I never do because I'm too afraid of losing progress?' So I'm back trying to improve myself again. I feel I've been robbed of all my good traits. I feel robbed of time. I couldn't get a straight answer out of myself that I could hold onto before things went south. I knew this would happen if I couldn't find inner understanding. Just writing this all out feels like a bit of a weight off my chest already but I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to deal with the pain of this four year mistake that feels like its massively tainted my life. I've messed up my gums a bit from either eating unhealthy, smoking or overbrushing my teeth which is a really painful thing to process. I used to be so confident and proud of myself and what I had achieved and now I just feel pathetic. I feel angry I couldn't just push through and find something concrete to hold onto that could have helped me keep my good habits through this mess of confusion and pain. It just feels like all this could have been avoided. I keep beating myself up. I'm afraid I've become dumber. I'm afraid of what I've done to my health and any good feeling about any improvement I make is immediately followed by the thought that I'm so far behind where I was when I was 16 and I could have been so far ahead had I not gone down this road. If you read this whole thing I really appreciate it. Any and all thoughts and comments are welcome.

@Breakingthewall Right. I'll pick up a copy of The Power of Now and maybe try a meditation retreat. Thanks again for taking the time to help me out. :)

@Breakingthewall @Breakingthewall @Breakingthewall @Breakingthewall @Nahm I don't know why I can't delete these tags but that sounds great. What you said about being positively motivated is what I was trying to discover by breaking my rules. I wanted to stop fearing the negative side. Perhaps I had the wrong approach. It sounds too good to be true but I'll look into Eckhart Tolle. I've seen a bit of him but I never really went in too deep. My only concern is that this is just another form of chasing a goal with the same mindset as before. I know you said to be careful not to turn it into an egoic goal but I don't see how it could be different. Though, I'm really hoping I'm wrong. Nevertheless I'll have a read and a listen to Eckhart Tolle, maybe something he says will click with me. Thank you so much for your reply. It's given me hope.

@Breakingthewall Thanks for the reply. You seem to understand my attitude towards life. I guess my question is does being good at something matter? Why? To what degree? In order for me to achieve anything, I regard improvement as something I need or want. If I didn't need or want it, I wouldn't chase it. So I create a psychological imbalance by feeling inadequate (realising I don't have what I want) which serves as a motivator until I reach my goal. Although I didn't have specific goals (even if I did, once I had achieved one I would just set another, so I saw no point in wasting time deciding how I would label my milestones), I found it much more efficient to just have a system of practice that I could just trust to bring me results. So this attitude implies that if I want to be good at what I'm doing, I should create and follow the most efficient system possible by any means, which is what I tried to do. This makes sense if you put highest possible skill level at the top of your list of priorities. However, I get the impression that this is not the way to go about it and is a good way to get stuck doing something you may not actually want to do as you've committed to never breaking your principles no matter how much you suffer. So, what's the alternative? I don't put in as much effort but I then feel inadequate? Isn't better, better? If not, then why should I do anything I don't want to at all. Why should I develop self discipline? I understand that that's a black and white way of looking at it but if I should stop seeing things in this way, then what perspective should I take? If I can't know what perspective to take then what is the next step to take? There must be an answer of some sort. Even if the answer is that there isn't an answer. But if there isn't an answer and that is the answer given to my question, then how could anyone advise anyone to do anything? Much less blame or condemn them for getting it wrong. Getting something wrong implies you can get something right. So how do you do it right? There is no way to do it right - there is no answer. Back to square one. I've tried to stop thinking so much but it hasn't led me to any tangible self improvement. I think I fear getting caught up chasing the wrong thing my whole life so I just refuse to chase until I get an answer. I suppose that means I'm chasing an answer. I just feel like if I work for something amazing in my life I pay for it in stress. If I don't work for it I pay for it in feelings of inadequacy. I want to feel better but will feeling better now mean feeling worse later? Is an indicator of doing the right thing feeling pleasure of feeling pain? I also keep thinking the phrase 'If it were easy, everyone would do it.' But what exactly does creating your life to be amazing get you if you're always busy creating it and suffering for it? And if you stop improving and maintaining you begin to lose it all. Sorry, I don't expect you to answer all these questions, I just wanted to exhibit my thought process.

@Nahm Thanks I'll check those links out.

@Ulax I seem to cling to my negative emotions. I feel that if I let go of my anger my mind will begin to blame me and I'll have no counter argument because I had let it go. I realise this isn't the healthiest attitude but it seems to be the way I currently operate. My mind seems to drag me one way and then another and then blame me for making a mistake or being inconsistent. At least it used to. I just kept thinking 'either give me a straight answer or stop blaming me'. I guess I feel a little hopeless and a little bitter because I had everything going so well before. I could have just not stopped living that way if I could get my mind straight. I relied on rules and principles to be productive. But strong inner clarity was so elusive. I couldn't get a grip on it. So eventually I stopped trying.

@catcat69123 I see. That sounds like me. I'll try doing some more inner exploration. I am currently talking to a therapist but perhaps I also need to go deeper into spiritual work to attain enough self understanding that I may resolve these problems in my thinking. Thank you for taking the time.

@catcat69123 Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I understand intellectually how, ultimately, nobody is really at fault for anything, I think I just fear the consequences of my actions. I fear not being ahead in life. Which I guess was why I was so insistent that I didn't care anymore, so I had no standard by which I could fail. I seem to deal with that fear by beating myself up if I've fallen behind. I think I have always had a fear of being scolded, so if I'm anticipating judgement from somebody else I beat them to the punch by judging myself. I feel like I should have known better than anyone to not make the kind of mistakes I did. I guess after a while of questioning everything, all my principles went out the window. I seem to switch between trying to justify my actions and condemning them. I guess in the end its the past and I just have to let it go, good or bad. I'm just struggling with that at the moment. Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud. Thanks again for the reply. I'll consider trying to be more compassionate towards myself.