patricknotstar

I feel like after spending so much time in the blackpill community i'm incapable of falling in love. I can see every interaction with a girl as just transactional and how it breaks down into darwinian psychology. It makes me unable to feel anything for the person. Like seeing a magic trick but knowing how it's done. I used to be an incel ,. I never had any misogynistic views toward women or anything like that. I was just part of that online community. Too shy to ever approach. Then when I began trying and got into relationships , even a long term one currently. I find myself unable to feel this "Love". I care about my girlfriend as a person, I'm not a sociopath. I always want what's best for people, but this feeling that's portrayed in movies where the guy is in ecstasy and swooning. Yeah I have yet to experience anything remotely like that.

I remeber Leo saying with trump winning the election, things such as christian theocracy , white supremecy, patriarchy etc will all rise which makes sense. However he said it will also be the death of crypto which confused me a bit given Trump has been pro bitcoin and has even hinted at a strategic bitcoin reserve. Or is this a 4D chess move by Trump to get elected so he can regulate crypto under the guise of patriotism to death so it doesn't challenge the US dollar?

twice in my life I've had near ego death. It happened the same way both times but different locations. Both times I was dead sober, infact I've never done psychedelics before. The first was when I was skipping class and laying on my back in the back of my car. Suddenly I felt my body begin to vibrate. Not subtly but very violently as if I was strapped to a plate compactor. I could also here a loud whirring sound, as if you were on an airplane and the window next to you were to break off. I could sit up but I wanted to ride this out. Then a portal of indescribably intense white light surrounded by fractals opened up above me and began to pull me. The closer I got the more amnesia I developed, I could no longer remeber names of family members, where I was. As I got closer the amnesia deepened I couldn't even recall my name at this point and was losing grasp even of the concept that I am a human being. I was becoming nothingness. Now shapes and sounds continued, sensations continued but the entity that was there to observe them and give meaning to them which I call "I" was dissipating. As I got closer I knew I was only a step away from absolute cessation and I began to panic that's when I snapped out of it and the portal closed and everything went back to normal. The second time I was laying in bed and snapped myself out very quickly cause I knew where it was leading. I don't think this experience made my more spiritual. Instead it frightened me, I don't want to go into cessation and become nothingness. It honestly felt terrifying and disappointing. I imagined my first spiritual experience would be fantastical. The feeling of my consciousness being elevated and become more aware. Instead it was the opposite and felt like everything was closing in including my sense of self. I hated it, I hated the fact that reality could even produce such an experience. I honestly wish I had just been raised some fundamentalist christian and had a simple world view that made me feel secure. That I could believe in heaven. Instead I was raised agnostic and have had to battle this existential dread and uncertainty around death my whole life. However I have no choice, you can't force belief.

Is there a sense of continuity after death where eventually you will incarnate as the same identity and going "holy shit what a trip all those eons of other lifetimes were, it's good to be back as me, Jim Bob in this new body ever since I flatlined in that hospital bed." To have these sense of continuity.

In Severance, memory is split through a brain implant that creates two identities: the “innie” (work self) and “outie” (personal self). The innie only exists at work and has no memory of life outside, while the outie knows nothing about work. The implant switches between these selves automatically, trapping the innie in a perpetual work loop while the outie enjoys a stress-free life. They are the same person yet split into two. The duality is an illusion, yet feels real to each side. With outies selfishly going against the interest of there innie's.

Ever since I was a kid I could lucid dream , but conversely I had dreams that were way more dissociative than the average dream. I would become a woman , or an old man and have a completely different set of memories and life in my dream. This scared me because this experience made me feel that my Self, is my identity and to lose this identity is to die permanently. No different than an eternal void. Reincarnation which comforts others as an afterlife was unacceptable to me. You are telling me if I die and come back as a bee and have the consciousness of a bee with no prior memories of this life that I have survived death? NO! I would have died, that bee is not me. Death haunts me, I don't want to lose this identity for it feels like losing myself in totality. Now if I die and I am a bee , but there is a continuity, i.e. the same sense of self and past memories, that I can accept. Nobody seems to get what I'm trying to say here. I understand there is an awareness that continues, I have experienced it first hand when I had vivid dreams that I am a middle aged woman with a family ( I am a male in my young 20's). I know there was still an awareness there, but it wasn't me. Yes I understand all identities are equally valid and real since reality is relative. This whoever doesn't solve the fear and attachment this current ego feels to it's current identity. Even referring to it as "this ego" feels weird because I am going into third person when all I'm referring to is myself. Yes yes I know what you will already say, but it is not comforting, because I am selfish and only care about the continued existence of this present identity I feel to be ME.

The fear of nonexistence isn’t just a byproduct of being alive—it’s a fundamental part of what it means to exist and be consciousp. To have a sense of self, an “I,” requires a resistance to the idea of not being. Without this fear, there would be no ego, no drive to preserve the self, and in a sense, no true existence. To exist is to maintain a constant tension between being and the awareness of non-being. If one were entirely indifferent to nonexistence, they would effectively dissolve the boundaries of their own identity, ceasing to truly “exist” as a self. Fear of nonexistence, then, is not merely emotional but a prerequisite for the experience of existence itself.

Thrice in my life before this fourth time I've had the opportunity to "awaken" . Now I could be wrong and experiencing something else but it goes something like this. I'm laying awake in my car, another time in my bed and there is a sudden rush of clarity. As if all the air has been sucked from the room or someone with poor vision putting on new glasses and everything coming to focus. I then start heading towards a metaphorical gate, a threshold so to speak . The closer I get the more my identity disssolves. When I reach the edge of no return, I know with absolute certainty if I "walk" through it that I will die. My body also begins to vibrate very fast as if I'm laying on 100 of those back massager things but there frequency is cranked 1000X. It feels very real and physical, not some subjective feeling but that I'm literally vibrating The closer I get the more my notion of reality as I understand it melts, notions such as "other humans around me are conscious" , "the space I'm in is located somewhere in a physical universe." This occurs under the influence of zero drugs, in fact I've never done psychedelics before and it occurs randomly. I don't know if what I'm experiencing is a glimpse at awakening or something else. Anyways then I get very scared and always back away and decide to go back to reality as I know it. My brain makes rationalizations like "I'd rather live knowing my family and gf is real and be happy than face having to know I am all alone" . Has anyone else experienced something similiar?

I have extreme guilt over my grandpas death. This was two years ago. I feel guilty because towards the end of his life which I didn't expect btw as he was only in his 70's. I was going through a horrible depressive point in my life. I was waiting for a diagnosis for an illness I don't want to disclose that could've ended my life. For some reason I decided not to tell my grandpa as he was recovering from heart surgery and I didn't want to burden him further. HOWEVER the consequence was I became a very VERY bitter and depressive person. To everyone. I became so cold that for the last few months of his life I hardly talked to him. All I could think of was my diagnosis. I ignored him and he wondered why , this was even worse because he lived with us. After he died about 2 months later I received my diagnosis that I was in the clear, had it been otherwise I would've been facing a pretty high mortality rate. I felt a guilt and sadness I have never felt. Yes I cried when he died for a week straight. I loved my grandpa more than anyone can imagine. He was closer to me than my dad, when I was just a month old my parents left me to live with my grandparents so they could work full time. After that period my grandparents moved in with them. Essentially I lived with my grandparents longer than my parents my whole life. I will never forgive myself for how cold I was to him during those last months. If I had known I would've spent every moment possible next to him telling him how much I love and appreciate him. Instead I was a cold prick to everyone caught in my own situation. The worst part is. He wouldn't have known why as he didn't know what was going on, but how could I know he'd die before I could tell him! I will now spend the rest of my life thinking about what if in his last moments what he thought was why did his grandson stop loving him. I will never be able to explain to him what happened. It's been two years and I think about him everyday and the guilt never goes away. I need to know I will have the chance one day to tell him how sorry I am.

Am i just too damn cheap. My girlfriend and I get along pretty well but one place our mindsets complelty diverge is how we view money. To me money is something that should be spent on bare necessities and everything you save should be put into assets, real estate, gold, stocks, bitcoin lol etc.. Ive always been great with my money, that is till I met my girlfriend a year ago... To her money is simply a tool to gain new experiences. She wants to travel, try new foods, go on excursions. Things I don't care about at all. I find myself spending more than I ever have. It's straining our relationship because I can't hind my frustration as i'm forced to spend money on things I couldn't care less about when I could be putting it to use on investments. Am I just cheap and living the wrong way, before I met her I never went out , I don't spend money on food , I never travelled, I'll wear my clothes down till there rags. But it makes me happy and saving has allowed me to have my own house and car. Everytime I try to approach her about viewing money differently she gets mad, one time I recommended she read the "Rich dad poor dad" book by robert kiyosaki and she got offended.

from Dylan Klebolds diary "to be aware is not a trait, it's a godlike thing" "we are the nature of existence" There are also lots of diary entries where he refers to himself as God and talks about how when he dies he will go into formless love.

My exact feelings, but articulated so eloquently. Thankyou

After class I decided to take a nap in my car. Now I've never done any sort of psychedelic and the hardest drug I've done is light drinking occasionally. During my nap I had some regular dreams, then I woke up and was staring at the ceiling of my car. When my body began to vibrate , I mean physically vibrate. Everything was vibrating at a growing intensity it felt like I was going to break apart. Then my visual field went from the ceiling of my car into this white rotating fractal of intense light. The intensity was indescribable and I could allow myself to dive into it or watch it from afar. When I would bring myself closer the light and vibrations were so ridiculously intense I felt with 100% it was going to kill me if I went any closer. This rotating fractal orb seemed to be calling me to some truth, I guess enlightenment but it gave me a choice. Stay where I am or dive into it(approach the centre) I wanted to know the truth and as I would approach it I would feel myself "dissolving" then I would become afraid and eventually I decided I didn't want to and I would live my life the way it was. The most surprising thing was this wasn't a dream. I had woken up and while awake I was literally vibrating, I don't mean in some mental sense I mean physically. I don't know what to make of this, but it was interesting to know that in the moment where I was given the choice of letting go and finding the truth(not saying I would've found it this could've just been a hallucination, but at the time it felt absolutely real) or continuing to live my life with my current level of consciousness I chose the latter. Kind of disappointing given how I'm here trying to attain said enlightenement.

When I was young before I knew of spirituality I came up with a thought expirement. It goes like this.. Suppose you're walking down the street and a man appears infront of you with a memory loss gun. (Like the one in men in black). If he shoots you with it you are transported back in time 5 minutes to wherever you were 5 minutes earlier. The only difference is you have a million dollars in your bank account and you won't know how it got there or remember the incident. The man explains this to you and asks "so do you want me to shoot you or not". If you say "No I don't want the money" you got about your day. I always answered no, Yeah that might seem stupid but the reason is. I always felt that the person 5 minutes ago isn't me. That once he shoots me I die and the person getting the money is someone else. Because there is a lack of continuity and to this day I still would always truly answer no, even though everyone says "well it's still you getting the money" it does not FEEL like it would be ME. Now when I tell most people I know this they say it's stupid and they'd take the money and don't believe my explanation but I ask you , your thoughts?

One thing I found interesting about lucid dreaming is when I believe the dream is real, the dream controls me. When I realize i'm driving I control the dream and with my mind I can manifest anything I want into the dream sphere. This is odd because I don't see why our mind or reality would function like this an ordinary materialist sense. My intuition woukd tell me when i'm dreaming whether im lucid or not should not interfere with the dream yet from direct experience with lucid dreaming my whole life this isn't true. I can imagine whatever I like into being. I guess what im asking is when one awakens can they begin to control this reality in the same way a lucid dreamer can control there dream upon going lucid.