Irina Wolf

I don’t get why I still feel depressed.I have nothing to be depressed about. It just seems like, as soon as my life is actually safe and stable, my mind will make trouble for me. So it can despair like it always has. What if that’s all my brain knows? To suffer like my parents. One thing is for sure, they sure taught me how easy it is to grow up bitter. Sometimes I wonder if I already am. Maybe I’m not grateful enough for the life I live. The privileges and opportunities I have. Compared to others, my life is quite easy. I was reminded today of why I do not watch the news. The Netherlands is gaining more junkies, they showed videos of users passed out on certain locations. I cried. I thought the past was bad or I was just unaware of it as a child but the world/humanity seems to grow darker. It’s hard to accept this as part of the trip. The other side of the coin. I feel helpless actually. I wish I could help create peace. I wish I could donate money to those in need. I wish I had money. But I guess I’m also angry at myself, for staying in that victim role. Not really believing in myself to create real and positive change. Or I’m just beating myself up again for not being good enough to save the world. Part of my shadow keeps holding on to the fear and pain or maybe it’s just a PTSD trigger or both at the same time. All this time I’ve been holding on to my responsibility for other people's happiness. I suffer when I see suffering. I feel I have no capability to change that. As if I have a responsibility to save the world. But perhaps that’s a path in the brain or an echo of the fact that it truly felt as if my world was crumbling when other people cried or shouted when I was a little girl. And once my mother eventually died, it felt as if the floor was taken out from under me, my mind scarred and my heart broken. I constantly live life with a fear of death and who or what it can take away from me. A constant unsatisfied, itching desire to know if there’s a god or an afterlife at least. Because I never stopped feeling the need to see my mother. How do you let go of something that left such a deep traumatic impact on your brain from childhood. The anger towards God because there’s no one else to blame for her death. The anger towards my mother for promising me to give me a visit if she discovered there was an afterlife. The years waiting for that. Maybe I’m just incapable of seeing her in the people and things around me. I don’t get too close to you because I’m scared to lose you again. How needy of me. I carry your absence with me like a mascot. I slept all day today. Maybe I should spend more time with others and stop worrying so much. But I don’t know how. I’m at an all time low and I cannot seem to get back up, for a year now. I like to fantasize about how before I was born I made a deal with God for him to teach me what Love is in this life. I'm not religious. And here I am so darn torn about the absence of it. Thanks to Ram Dass I try not to take every thought so seriously and to have compassion for this one. Am I truly compassionate towards others if I’m not compassionate towards myself? There I go worrying again. I just don’t know what I need right now.

Indeed thanks very much for your comment and recommendation. I've know Eckhart Tolle and his works for a few years now. I now realize I often ask questions on this forum because I'm in a state of fear and think I need help or confirmation. Your words are a much appreciated point of view ?? Much love from the Netherlands

To be honest, I've only ever purchased the LPC to become happy. Now I pursue my dreams, I'm being creative, conquering fears, busting limiting beliefs, growing etc etc... But in the back of my head that desire for more keeps scratching. That feeling of not having enough. What if I decided to be content with what I do have and be happy now? Would that be okay? Would that be enough? Would I be wasting my potential as a creative artist? Is this the rat race?

I try not to judge when I realize it's happening. Then afterwards deliberately, confidently pick myself back up. Aside of that I try EFT tapping and meditate on healing my inner child because I know that's the main source of the behaviour I'd rather be free from. I know ego is a part of me so I will forgive myself for self sabotaging behaviour.

Oh dear lord, expect ego backlash and don't underestimate it

Hey, This is just my opinion but I think a good teacher/leader makes you think for yourself so you won't have to follow them for eternity. Do you learn from other sources as well? I follow many men including Jordan Peterson whom have had a tremendous positive influence on my life. And I believe if Jordan or Leo somehow disappear from the face of the earth; I will be fine. I learned from them. I do not need them. Because I can think & learn for myself. Leo is only human too. Whatever leader you follow, they're all flawed human beings just like you. None of them are worth believing on their word alone. But that doesn't mean you cannot learn from them so long as it feels right. You worry about being caught in a cult, maybe you suffer from insecurity. Might be a lack of trust and peace of mind within yourself. For me personally it's important to be secure enough in oneself to realize there's no perfect guru or teacher you can depend on forever. The only one you can do this with is yourself. If you worry about Actualized being cult that could possibly be detrimental to your health instead of beneficial, I could suggest looking toward other leaders/ sources of information too. Other than that, Leo's work is the . Long story short, what worked for me in this case is: 1.Becoming more secure with myself for peace of mind. 2. Trusting myself; not depending on others = finding your own truth. Take what you can from Leo. Leave the rest Most of his work is way to advanced for the majority of the world. (Very much including myself lol) I feel he only really shares what he creates now out of love. Love for the work. Love for the people. This is what works for me in order to keep my OCD calm & to not over attach myself to any teacher/leader. Hope this helps you too Much love from the Netherlands ??

That's a beautiful way of looking at it. No... it just FEELS like dying. Doesn't mean it actually is. My inner child is still very much alive and operating. So are old trauma behaviours unfortunately. But I'll manage. Thanks!

Indeed! Celebrating who I am and letting go of control are indeed things I still struggle with. Thank you very much??

Thank you!

Dear person reading this. Few months into the LPC. I'm doing really well for myself. It's not what I expected. To get what you want out of life. To witness change within and outside of myself. To finally achieve some success in life after a lifetime of hardship. I feel odd. At first I thought it was recurring depression but I have no trouble getting out of bed. I realized it's grief. Grief. The one thing I've been repressing all my life. And this time, it is for someone I used to be. I face my fears, my traumas, my shadows and ugly sides and finally give them some love. I haven't bitten my tongue in a while now although I've struggled with it my entire life. It takes me by surprise that I haven't fallen back to that coping mechanism yet. I study and still get lost in self help books/videos, definitely not always a good thing. I can feel part of myself, part of my inner child, realizing it's fighting to keep me "safe" but fighting a losing battle. I feel so scared to open up. To embrace people again. To love people as they are. To love myself as I am. To pursue my life's purpose. Now I finally have a fulfilling life. Of course with it's empty spots. It's not what I thought it would be. I never expected to mourn a part of myself that feels like it's dying. Now I'm not so sure I want that part to die. I experience such sadness & physical pain trying to let those old parts of myself go. Somebody out there must be able to relate. Maybe you're going through the same thing. You're not alone. I wish I had the courage to tell you that it's okay to let go. But frankly I'm too terrified and sad to tell you this. Just know... You're not alone. I know how lonely it can be. Much Love from the Netherlands Irina

Indeed!

Pretty much all my life I've been bullied. I've been the perfect target, keeping comebacks to myself, avoiding confrontation & crying about being abused & never standing up for myself. I've been working on my fear of dominant / narcissistic people. This week I spoke a guy; taller, older and certainly more accomplished than I am. I noticed straight away I was dealing with a narcissist however. His self praising, promises and pretty words I decided not to take too seriously. He noticed my lack of interest and started to bully me for it. Calling me all kinds of names but I just felt proud to witness I finally love myself enough to not care about being judged negatively/ being called names. I saw I had the "winning hand" in the conversation and I let it go to my head. I saw myself laughing at him and trying to trigger him for the fun of it. Eventually he had 0 ammunition and just started to use my words against me like children often do. Once I noticed there was this sound of defeat to his voice it actually wasn't fun anymore. Who's the bully now ey? Yes, I had overcome being verbally abused or being walked all over. But I never thought I could have actually BEEN the bully. I actually started to feel bad for him & about myself. I thought to myself: wow, what if narcissists actually have built these walls of "self love" around themselves because they're perhaps even more vulnerable to other people than I am? What if they're stuck in their head/ego/mind forever because of their personality disorder? Who am I to laugh or poke fun at him just because he started the pettiness? It was fulfilling for a little while until I realized I was dealing with another human being. It was funny until I saw I could be just as bad of a bully/monster as people have been to me. So this week I have overcome some fears but also learned something about myself I wasn't expecting. However this week has given me the strangest appreciation for life. Is there beauty in ugly moments too?

Ahw thank you so much for this! Being in a relationship hasn't done anything for me so far but that's probably because of my bad taste in people & commitment issues. So I'm now single and more aware of my behaviour. I just no longer want to do this to myself. I have a passion that I'm following the life purpose course for so I'm working on that too. Seems I have to work on ALL my relationships in life and as "hallmark card as it sounds" I now figure it has to start with me. From within myself. Thanks much for your kind response ?

Yesterday I heard music that definitely wasn't there!

Have you ever experienced complete stillness of the mind? Let's say absence of thought and suffering. If so, how would you describe the experience?