FinnishJon

As I've been self developing and being more self aware of my own emotions, especially anger, I've started to notice that I get mean comments or negative vibes from total strangers on occasion and I'm just wondering what the best way to deal with this is? Just an example. I speak Arabic and was socializing with some Tunisian guys I met at a coffee house here in Finland where I live. One Arab friend joins the conversation and starts implying that I receive way better treatment by Finns than he or any muslim who is here. I was trying to understand his point of view, but it was a dark rat hole that I didn't feel like it was wise to go down with him, so I just smiled, shrugged and didn't say anything. Pretty soon he was insulting Americans, wouldn't look me in the eye, complaining about life, women, etc... I've also noticed the same kind of treatment in bars sometimes when a jealous boyfriend notices my presence even if I haven't said a single word to him or his girlfriend. Or in a black neighborhood in California, I got the same vibe... me being a white guy. Or bloggers who are looking to pick a fight over religion or politics even though I don't say one word about what I'm thinking. So, the question is, what is the best way to deal with nastiness like this? I really don't relish the idea of getting into fist fights or other kinds of violence but I'm not gonna submit to a bully. So what kind of strategy is the best in handling these emotional situations?

I'm doing my icebreaker speech next Thursday... I really feel passionate about this work. It seems to be a great way to develop yourself.

@The SonHere's a theory: Personal sexual appeal goes way up for somebody who is considered an outsider, i.e. someone who adds spice, newness, and a feeling of novelty (i.e. neophilia) to their lives. It doesn't have to be racial boundaries, necessarily. National, linguistic, religious or ideological, professional, or any other type of social boundary that causes people to cohere into groups. This boundary provides the psychological delimiter for the group loyalty instinct that is innate in humans. Temptations to go outside the group are felt by the individual to be a relief valve with respect to pressures from inside the group to conform. And it's also a form of selfish behavior, like cheating or free-riding against the altruism and trust which makes groups function efficiently in the first place. Something like the temptation to cheat in other political situations, i.e. the tragedy of the commons. Of course, there's a pretty significant backlash to this behavior. Groups have mechanisms that punish disloyalty. Gossip, shunning, exile, scarlet letter A's painted on the forehead, denied trust, jail, stoning, and the guillotine. It also should be noted that betraying or antagonizing a rival group has it's own negative side, which range from family feuds and escalates up to intergroup warfare. Group selection was erroneously thought by evolutionary biologists back in the 70s not to be real or important. These days, it's accepted as mainstream and considered to be the main mechanism for modern human evolution. I cannot take credit or blame for these ideas, as they aren't mine. Happy to provide you the source if you're interested. Focus of the book was on psychology and the evolution of groups. Ultimately, before I would adjust my own behavior to align with my personal self growth goals. I would ask myself first, what group do I want to belong to? And secondly, is group loyalty something that's really important to me or not? If it is important, then should I contain my sexual desires for the benefit of the group which I feel loyal towards? Or do I prefer the sneaking around and excitement of betrayal. Many people do and not just black men and white women. And more to the core of your personal self development is the question, how much do you value your own inter-personal self integrity? Are you a hypocrite, or do you stick to your principles. i.e. Can you walk the walk, or do you just talk the talk? Hypocrites often err in thinking that if they don't get caught, then they just pulled off something that will give them pleasure at no cost. I would watch Leo's video about Karma to have a quality in depth look at this subject. I'm starting to learn compassion for those who have problems with self-integrity, including myself, but in the end, the way upwards really is through personal honesty.

@Iulia I think you are on the right path for solving your internal conflict. I had a similar marriage and it went on faaaar too long, for all of which I accept full responsibility. This video and some others like it really opened my eyes, and maybe it will help you, too...

I have a really good and loyal friend, let's call him Fridge, who I've known since 2004 who comes over to my house once a week and once a week, usually Friday night, we also go on a hike in the city. My only problem with him is that he suffers from OCD and has hygiene issues that cause women to take one look at him and turn around and avoid him. He's not a bad looking guy, a bit overweight, but extremely shy from lifelong experience of being rejected in this way. I'm recently divorced and trying to improve my own social life by going out and meeting women, but whenever I'm with Fridge, I end up without any female companionship, and sometimes I get frustrated at the situation. I love Fridge because he's a good person... very honest, loyal, and smart. But he is clueless when it comes to emotions, women, self-development, and psychology. I don't want to hurt his feelings by shunning him, but if I keep up this friendship, I have the feeling I'm going to end up as alone and neurotic as he is. Any advice?

@ite Thanks! I will keep you up to date on how he responds.

@Locooig He seemed okay with it, but I talked to him over the phone, so it was difficult to judge without any body language... I have to check again in person. I hope he isn't upset, and I suspect he isn't. He's really a good person, just struggles due to inner mental issues.

Thanks, all, I followed your advice and told him. It felt right to do it. I just hope he doesn't hold a grudge or get depressed about it.

I believe I have gotten another result the last time I took this, but I'm not totally sure. Anyway, this time around it was ENTP-T

I should have been into self development long ago because my life quickly decomposed after I graduated from Caltech... I've since become a lot more self aware, and I'm pretty sure a lot of my colleagues in the science world have Aspberger's like me. Just an observation, but it's important because without emotional intelligence, I think scientists tend to be susceptible to life crises from which it is difficult to recover.

I do agree with this to some extent. What I don't agree with is accepting blame for other people's negative emotions. That's masochism.

I guess my original thinking was from listening to a discussion with Sam Harris and Scott Reitz about the role of police and self defence in society. The problem with the world is that there are some seriously fucked up people in it, and some of them have nothing but evil intentions to all of society. Psychopaths. So, am I to believe that the problem with a psychopath lies within me and that it's me who needs fixing? I know Leo did a video on this topic some time back, maybe I should review it, but I just don't want to accept that a guy or girl who comes up to me with violent intentions is a problem in my own internal psychology. Just like a hurricane... I'm not the one causing the hurricane, and I tend to think that people who would blame themselves for these kinds of people are being masochistic.

I was wondering if anybody has some good material about how to approach women at the gym. I suck at it. I go to a lot of classes where there are a majority women, and sometimes I get an interested look from some of the more attractive girls, but there's so little opportunity, because when the classes are over, all the women rush off to the women's locker room and the men to the men's locker room. There's very little time to make a move. I don't want to come off as the creepy guy who does these classes just to pick up women, either... because I don't... I'm actually there to workout. But the women are exactly the kind of girls I'm looking to meet... way better than Tinder or bars. So any advice?

@Sarah_Flagg Thanks, I'm not that stupid... If I compliment you, it'd be for something related to your attractive psychology. Like, I like how encouraging your comments here are! I had some compliments recently from a pretty attractive woman, and I actually liked it alot. But I can imagine, it gets old after awhile if you've been hit on a lot. Sort of like annoying salesmen who bother you on the street. I'm just not used to it because I used to be fairly overweight. BTW. I've seen some pretty nice asses recently. So, it's not easy to have the nicest these days...

I don't really need to chat with them at the gym... but maybe just get to know them, maybe a name, and if you see each other later on, you're like, yeah, that's that girl or guy from the gym who was flirting with me... he's cool. I don't know about you, but I think sweating like a pig at the gym is pretty hot...

By the way, kudos to all of the people who contributed here... I started to follow this advice and it helped me avoid some dangerous people recently. I actively maintained a positive emotional internal feeling despite being very anxious, and I think it saved me from conflict a couple of times now...

Did you mean the video entitled "The Law of Attraction"?

But, how should you handle the external reality of these situations?

My victim in me wants to reply that reverse racism towards white males seems to be politically correct these days... The self developing side of me wants to just accept that the world is full of people who are very insecure and these are the emotions that are being projected... I'm sure people of all races and both sexes have felt this feeling, like the world is against them. And, the reasons have nothing to do with me as an individual, but the one with the insecurity as you said. But I still would like to know what the optimal response strategy should be. Should you avoid these people? Give them some token gesture of insincere respect to mollify them? Or what?

Thanks to Leo for pointing to the book, The Righteous Mind, by Jonathan Haidt. I am a fan of Sam Harris who most people think of as one of the 4 horsemen, but who also has a lot of books on other topics such as meditation, freewill, and morality. I wonder if anybody has read Sam Harris's book on morality and compared it with Jonathan Haidt... I think Sam Harris is a rationalist, based on my early reading of The Righteous Mind... and yet I have not yet read The Moral Landscape. I would be curious to hear from anybody who has read both of those books... and whether they think Sam Harris's book is worth reading?

Yes, I suspect that I may have ADD, i.e. the non-hyperactive form of ADHD and it needs self-development work to get over it or at least, to live with it. I'm glad I met you on this forum, Kelley! You are a sweet person and I can tell that you have a curious and open mind. If you ever come to Finland, look me up :-)

Thanks. I've been reading a lot of psychology books and that's the first I heard of Hedonism as a goal for humanity. Most emotional intelligence books treat happiness as just one side of the differential engine of our mind. i.e. sometimes you have to be in a bad mood because it motivates you to do something about it. Each emotion has it's own purpose in our world. Without these, I think our minds could be relegated to being like vegetables. Perhaps I'm wrong... it sounds like an interesting notion. I will check it out if I get a chance. I just finished The Righteous Mind and now I am on to a book about ADHD and the social problems that it causes for people who suffer from it.

What is your current book? No, I haven't read the Hedonist Imperative. Is it something to do with the psychology of people who are unable to control their hedonistic desires?

As said, it isn't my theory to defend or promote, but if you want a short summary of his thinking, there's a TED talk:

You can honestly have that kind of opinion about something without even knowing what you're opposing? By the way, just so you know, these are not my theories to defend or bolster... you can argue with the author if you think he's full of whoreshit... but it sounds to me, like he must have hit a very raw nerve to get such a reaction from somebody who is on a self development forum... If nothing else will persuade you, Leo recommended this book. That may be an argument of authority, but just so you're aware... you might want to reconsider judging a book that you never even read. And rather than attacking something in general, perhaps you could point to something more specific that you disagree with. Or was there some specific objections you had in mind? Jonathan Haidt, BTW, is a liberal atheist... so I don't know where you're getting implications of "original sin" from.