Yoremo

shadow work: insecure in school feels like pressure and pain across my chest and down to the bottom parts of my ribcage. My throat seems closed up, and quite uncomfortable. where did it start? it started in and around school. more precisely on the bus home when I was going with my brother and all of his friends from school, both mine and his. I was around 7 years at the time and I thought these people were really cool so I wanted to be included. But they were mean to me both on the bus and even meaner when my brother wasn´t around and they were calling me names, hitting me etc. And some of my friends sat there in the back of the bus with us and the older kids praised them and talked about how cool they were. And I always felt really left out. Like they didn´t care about me, like I wasn´t good enough as I am, because the other kids apparently were, but I wasn´t and it hurt deep. And this is where I got really aware of how I was and what I was doing because I wanted to fit in since I was looking up at my brother and his friends. How long have you been feeling this way? show me any memories you have for me I have been feeling this way ever since I was a kid. Always too bad, too little too inadequate. Other kids didn´t like me, neither kids my age nor kids above my age nor kids under my age, noone really liked me. And the kids that seemed like they liked me became really mean to me. I can also remember all of the memories with my cousins on my mother´s side, they were always talking and acting like they were better than our family, and they always told and showed me and my brothers that their shit was better than ours. They talked about how we behaved badlyh towards each other and how we were bad in general and they had this upseat. And this was hard for me, I liked them and admired them and I wanted to be liked by them, but when they always told me I wasn´t enough that stuck to me. When we did something I always felt like I wasn´t why they were playing, I was always just on the side as someone irritating and not so interesting and funny person. I was always dismissed by them and looked down at, they did this quietly but it hurt as much. Like they never gave a shit about my opinions, just because it was mine. And if I did something bad there was really no forgiveness, I was "bad" now. And my grandparents on my mothers side also looked down on me, they didn´t think I was worthy nor a good person at all. They did exactly as my cousins and always dismissed and disowned everything I was and did. These people never really showed any enthusiasm or positivity towards me, everything was bad. Me and my cousins played soccer when we met, and when I did a mistake they were always so dissapointed at me and showed it and if I did something good they didn´t care or dismissed it as "that wasn´t even that good". Like the middle cousin, he told me when I was like 8 when he watched me juggle the ball "when I was your age I could juggle 200" or 100 or whatever it was. And I could only juggle like 4 or 5 times at the time. And things like this were always prominent but I didn´t react to them as if they were wrong, because I thought that is the only way life is. My parents weren´t always that good either, they always told me that I was doing something wrong. I never did something right on the first try, because they didn´t think that I was worthy or good so they never trusted me to do something without them critizising and correcting me all the time. this correction all the time made me so insecure in my actions that I couldn´t do anything without asking "how do I do this?" even if it was relatively simple. And at home my brothers didn´t give a fuck about me, they were always just in their rooms and played games or whatever and never let me be with them and never did anything with me and seemed to dislike me no matter what I did. And that´s the reason I started teasing them af because I never got anything but a negative reaction anyhow, no matter what I did so I started to be a irritating fuck to kind of prove to myself that I am that irritable fuck. what did you need? I needed a friend, someone who wanted to be with me just because they wanted to. Someone to talk to and be with. I needed adults to see what kind of damage people were doing towards me verbally and physically and stop them from doing that. I need some stable point so that I am not forced to try and please everyone, so that I can feel good about myself just being myself. I am telling the guys on th ebus to stop harassing you, to see how good you are and that they don´t need to be so mean. I am being accepting of you and seeing your struggles and accepting you into the group and integrating you into our discussions and asking you questions and making you feel participation. I am your parent and I am letting you do mistakes and when you do I smile and say "it´s okay", I let you do your mistakes and I won´t yell or swear at you, I am just letting you be you and comforting you when you have made an mistake and giving you support. I am unconditionally loving you and accepting you, and I am allowing you to do what you feel that you want to do. I am letting you discover and learn on your own through your own mistakes. I am the grown up telling your cousins and grandparents to shut up, I am gioving you comfort and reassuring you that there is nothing wrong with you, you are accepted no matter what. I am allowing you to be whatever you want to be and I will not say or show that I condemn you, I will accept and embrace you and your character exactly as you are. I am allowing you be the person you genuinly are, and letting you do your things. I am providing you with company, I am your best friend and I don´t care about what other people say about you and I reassure you that it is okay, and that those kids just talk shit because they are scared about their own skin. I am your buddy, playing with you and hanging out with you everyday, I am giving you supporting company, you and I are having fun and we´re doing stuff, we´re going to the lake and swimming, going to the soccer field and playing and we are just hanging out because we like and accept each other. I am dissolving all loneliness and I am giving you the best company you could ever imagine. I am giving you comfort that there is no need to prove anything to anyone, just be you and that is fine. I am loving you for you being you. what else do you need to show me? nothing what else do you need? a sincere hug and a sincere group of people wanting me good and liking me I am giving you my sincerest hug and I am giving you a group of people that loves you for who you are and what you are doing. be a healthy parent to this part I am talking to you about your problems in this, and we are discussing this and discovering together what is happening. And I as a parent is very patient and over many days I am talking to you about this and letting you discover for yourself what is going on. And I am providing you with support and comfort along the way and I am answering your questions that you ask, and we are talking this out and I am letting you talk to me unfiltered and we are talking about life and being honest and discovering, contemplating the questions about reality and society etc. which my child has and we are doing this whenever we have the time adn feeling for it. And through this process my kid is getting more and more sure about himself and I am giving him tools to cope when he asks for them, I am not just saying "don´t care about what pther people think" when asked what to do about these feelings, I am giving a good answer but mostly the direction which my child has to go to discover this himself. thank you, my inner child, for showing me what I needed to look at and discover, I promise that you will never be alone again. I will always be here and whenever you want we will talk. I love you my brother

@Raze so if I do cbt the core problems will remain and the symptoms will come back later again? and if so, would you see benefit to do cbt to take me out of this rut so that I can function more properly so I can then easier address. the core problems? I don´t know, cbt is what is offered to me.

@EmptyVase well, mostly because my past experiences with the medical care where I live has been really bad, so I am a bit skeptical that the person I will be meeting will know what he/she is doing. But also if it will work on me. @Carl-Richard I have mostly anxiety and depression. What is considered impulsivity? because of the anxiety and depression I get more impulsive in my behaviour but what kind of impulsivity do you mean?

05:55 wake up, brush teeth, breathwork, sentence completions 630 hoping on the bus, meditating on some feeling or writing thoughts on computer 8am to 4 pm school 4pm- 5pm bus, same as in the morning 5pm-7pm working out 7-8 journaling, shadow work then dinner and bedtime 8-9 pm On the weekends I wake up at the same time and then just exercise, journal, meditate, read take it easy etc. But I ain´t perfect I miss out on some of this stuff sometimes

shadow work for my social anxiety and insecurity 3 it is making me stutter both in my mind and in my speaking as I am critizising what I am doing very harshly it is the feeling of everyone looking at me with hatred in their eyes when I go through a room, I feel everyone is grouping up and forming groups and hating me it is my harsh responses to people I have envisioned to be thinking badly about me and talking badly about me it is the constant alertness looking out for what other people are doing and constantly scanning for any threats to me or someone saying something or giving me a look it is the anxiety of the feeling of need of control of knowing which people dislike me it is the insecure feeling I have when I am saying something which I really feel for myself but I am not 100 % sure if the others will agree it is the hyperalertness leading to doing weird movements with my body because I am shacking of fear of judgement and critizising it is what makes me try to figure out what other people want me to say so I say that instead of being myself it is the feeling that being myself isn´t enough so I try to be a person I think others will like it is the wanting to not get any bad opinions about me and trying to be a good person to everyone I want to look at me in a bright light it is the shaking and twitchy movements that come about becasue I feel a rush of adrenaline it is the naseous feeling of the constant adrenaline that is pumping through me and keeping me at high alert at all times and never letting my body and mind at rest it is the tensing of the jaw and face and bringing on my stone face it is my nervous ticks I do when I am insecure such as mewing, swallowing, cracking my fingers, bouncing my legs, moving my hands and body a lot, moving my hair constantly checking over my shoulders and looking people in the eyes to try and see what they think all the time so that I can "do right" it is my fear of people knowing what I am doing, like when I am writing things like this, or what I am watching etc. it is my personality I get that is very offputing and very distancing from other people because I don´t want people to "find out" or judge me or critizise me it is my constant worry about if the things I am doing is rigth or not it is the constant readjusting to what I think people want me to do so that I can please them and make them feel comfortable and so that they don´t get put in a uncomfortable position in any way 2 Hi there, we´ve been together for a while. Why are you here? I am here because you have been hurt in the past and you haven´t done anything about it and it accumulates well, what people have hurt you? well, my parents always telling me that I am doing things wrong even though they never was violent or so but they always out me down and didn´t want me to feel good when I was doing something really. And at my past school, my friends who fucked me over, the guy who abandonded me when I was like 7 and went to be with another friend and completely ignored me. The guy who talked shit behind my back. The guy who just started being a fucking meanie to me after years of friendship only because I was moving. The constant stream of friends whom just fucked me over and didn´t give a fuck about how I felt and just didn´t care about me like I was something disposable after use kind of thing. Older guys being fucking mean over something I don´t even know, being violent and verbally fucking me up. My friends always freezing me out and making me an outsider because I wasn´t good enough for them. The teachers with their fucking preaching and teaching and morally "correcting" me and making me feel bad af about my grades and behaviour. My mom who makes me feel bad for almost every fuckning whing I do no matter what. woah, you sound hurt, how did you cope with this? Well, I cried just after things like these happened but then I was making myself be strong and be confident and secure and I would put on a show to show how strong and stable I am So you are still hurt? yes, they still hurt and I still feel mad and sad what could I do to help you not feel that way? not care ok, but how would I get rid of you? you get rid of me when you are mature enough that´s fair enough, I guess you don´t know when but what do you mean "when I am mature enough"? when you feel enough self worth that you have enough internal validation to not feel obligated to seek external validation And self love? well yes can you forgive what those people did to you? no! I don´t have anything against those people really but the feeling will still be there and I can´t get over the feelings that the actions these people did caused me okay, got it. So you can´t get over the feelings of getting freezed out and being left out? exactly, and they keep piling up by every instance I get freezed out Are you scared? yes, I am scared of the opinion of other´s what is so bad about their opinions? well, I know that some of the people that did bad things didn´t do it because they hated me. but still the acts bring about very negative feelings in me and I feel bad Okay, so it feels bad that people are doing it no matter their intentions? yes. Because nevermind the intentions, it is the actions that I see. How can I make you not so scared of other people´s opinions? I would think that if you gained more stability in yourself that you could make me feel better, because as of now you don´t have that internal foundation so to speak what are you trying to teach me? that your mind is your prison is your mind until you realize your cell door is unlocked what is the lesson? that no matter how things feel like they are, they might just not be that way and even if it is it isn´t mandatory to feel bad about it what do you need to tell me? to wake up and do the inner work, adn learn to use and master your mind to shape it after your own liking what do you want from me? I want you to suffer until you release your limitations What gift are you brining me? I am bringing the gift of being a doorway to the comlpete control of your own mind, and having the life you want 1 I am the unneccesary suffering of the mind. I am the one bringing him to a halt. I am the pre adjusted setting which makes every interpretation of another human´s behaviour a very dangerous one. I am the fundamental preconception that one must look out for other´s opinions and be wary of them and always see them in the darkest ligth as possible to avoid hurting yourself. I am this deception. I am the paradoxical deception making you afraid but inflicting you more suffering than if you weren´t. I am controlling you exactly as I which as I have the complete control to interpret any situation in any way that suits me best and make you miserable. I am the one making you incapable of enjoying relaxing in other strangers company, I am the one making you crumble beneath me and making you a slave of my will and making you try to escape from every social situation that you find yourself in. I am the fear of people finding out, of people finding out something which will somehow make them not like me or dismiss me or disown me or hate me. I am the fear of going around people and just a general anxiety and fear to be around people I do not know and/or am not comfortable with. I am the thing scarying you away from doing the stuff you want to do in public and from being the person you want to be in public. I am the fear of being myself and therefore resorting to being another person as if someone hurts that person that is not me and therefore I am safe, I am not in danger. I am making walls around me to save me. I am being unneccesarily judgmental and harsh on others when I am sensing they are trying to do that on me so that I can be safe. I am the illusion that hiding is making me safe. I am hugging this version of myself. I am giving him comfort and consolidation. I know I am not defined by this, but I am accepting it and allowing myself to fully realize and feel it. I am giving myself a break and letting this version of me get a say. I am telling him it´s okay. I am giving him the tools to handle this ongoingly. I am helping him realize his value and worth, but more than anything I just accept.

So I am probably going to do some sort of dreamboard when I come home. So that I can look at it everyday and feel the emotions and get motivated everyday to get going and do the things I need to do. I need this motivation. I am going to be more disciplined with my training, already have been but I am going to do as much as I am allowed to do to get even better results than I am right now. Won´t do any more harm than that it will take a lot more time but since I have the time and the training is almost like an spiritual, focusing practice I don´t mind because of the benefits I can see from doing it. Question is if I should do it with that amount of noise cancelling, because if I need to deal with the noise from downstairs then I will have to use my focus more intensely, and build it more. What I am figuring out more and more is that I am very unsure about everything, I don´t really know what I want and what I want to improve, I just see things which promise me a better life and then I get attracted, because who the fuck wouldn´t? atleast not when you don´t know what you want and you are kind of fucking dabbling arpound. That is why I want to do this so I can stop dabbling around in oceans of advice and just being stretched out, that can´t be good for my mental health. And through this journaling I am discovering how little I actually know so I can actually be inspired to do things later on and maybe I will even implement them, who knows. It is not going very well, I am watching youtube way too much and etc. but I will remain focused and try my best and not give in or give up. So march the 1:st is going to be when I am saying goodbye to this for a while and saying hi to learning, reading and doing more external learning so I can implement it. And then I can do another period of intense journaling and practice so I can implement, and I will also be able to do some research even during the journaling because some stuff comes up which I can´t solve myself because i just don´t have the knowledge. I want to get inspired and motivated but I just get dragged back. Wow, the realization I am having is making me depressed, that the emotional states I am in is something I am stuck in. I know that isn´t true, but how do I change it? and yes, I haven´t actually done the sedona method and the shadow work properly so how could I know? well, I don´t but it feels like I am realizing this and I understand why people can get suicidal, this is no fucking joke. Stuck in life and stuck in thoughts, thoughts go bla bla bla, life goes whoosh whooosh whoosh past me and development goes down down down. I am really negative. I don´t know how to do otherwise, and maybe I shouldn´t. But I am destructive, not constructive in my negativity which is fucking me up. I need to take these practices more seriously. I need to transform to a monk, whom also socializes and goes to school and trains etc. I don´t know how some people can be so tuned up in their minds, like they are already top tier mentality at my age, and I am definitely not. How is this even possible? well, I don´t think this kind of negative journaling is actually very helpful. It just reinforces stuff. Hey, can I change? I don´t know anymore, I am insecure in that also. And I won´t bother asking anyone on this forum "how can I change?" because the answers I get are not helpful AT ALL. Like wtf. No offense but that is what I feel.

@meadow hi, how do you do integration? what am I supposed to do at that stage?

So when I am out of this month I will either be doing the life purpose course or doubling down even more on the meditation and sedona method etc. I have not done the sedona method the last couple of days so I thought I´d just write this out here more clearly. So what I got out of it is that the sedona method is basically accepting the emotion and allowing the emotion to be felt throughout your body and feeling into it as much as possible and being conscious of it and giving it awareness. And if you repeatedly allow it and observe it and feel it it will go away. And that´s how you "get rid" of bad or good emotions. Because yes, good emotions are also blinding you and making you do stupid things. So this method should be applied whenever I feel a feeling which is disturbing me in any way and plucking at my attention. And this is how you build emotional intelligence, probably one of maybe 2 or 3 things. So whenever I have a negative feeling or a positive feeling I will do. the process of feeling and allowing. I need to do this repeatedly throughout the day and if I need to do it every second of my day besides my main other chores, fine. So I will do it. sedona method: felt the feeling of insecurity, felt in the chest, throat and stomach, the feeling in the stomach went away but the two others didn´t. I guess if I had continued even further I would have gotten those gone aswell. I feel that this will probably do immense great things for my physical health as I think that my emotions residing in my body is fucking me up from the inside. I have noticed that when I am really anxious that I get literally sick, so why can´t I get injured also? probably that´s it, so I am going to double down on these practices now. I do have watched some youtube and stuff and haven´t been 100 % in the game, but I want to watch youtube atleast as rarely as maybe 30 min once a couple of days and that would be a win. The goal is to do 100 % abstaining though and I can see that happening if I keep up with these practices as they will give me more value than youtube at some point. Already feeling blessed by them. The training is going alright, going up and down. My results aswell. the last few days I have had more knee pain but I think this is just the up and down which comes naturally when the body is breaking down and then building up so no worries from me really, the main trend is a slow but sure upwards trend so.

eveyrthing got deleted here I am now: 1 I am unforgiving of people and their faults and weaknesses, and I don´t like to admit my own and neither accpet others. I hate everyone, everyone is out to fuck everything up for me I hate when people are doing sounds when I am trying to do something very focusing or sleep I am so tired of people. I hate people and I hate people doing things, it pisses me of. I am scared of other people than my parents so I am going at them full pace, and I hate how they make me feel bad about being bad towards them. I hate them and their sounds and their sutupid questions and stupid things they are doing I hate everything that disturbs my mind and I just neeed to get rid of it before it drives me nuts. that´s it, how the fuck do I integrate this? I don´t know what the fuck "integration" means. one thing I am grateful for: I am so very much grateful for good music, I have found so much good music on youtube especially and I am just so grateful to have that

Motivations and dreams: *being able to have a girlfriend and be the fucking man, charismatic in front of her friends and socially awesome. Having a awesome fucking relationship *being able to get friends on a dime, from strangers to best friends in minutes and being the person taking the initiative *being physically DOMINANT to everybody. Fastest, strongest, most endurance, best flexibility and mobile, explosive etc. being a physical fucking specimen *Having a mindset which is so good that I can be put wherever on earth and still live the best life, unbothered by circumstance by deeeeep mental resources to fall back on and a very refined world view to make my life the way I want it. So I can succeed in whatever I decide to do *Being mentally superior. Don´t know how to say this in a easy to read and compact way, but just having all the mental facets figured out, not being a pathetic stupid fuck who is just going with the ebb and flow of the mind´s natural tendencies. Non petty mindset. many mindsets to cover but I know emotionally what I talk about so don´t need to write them all out aswell as some are probably still hidden from me because of my lack of experience. Emotional intelligence so I am not so stuck in emotions *Being healthy as fuck! My body handling anything with ease, seeming like I can deal with any circumstance, health on the level that I could feed myself in the wild no problem *wealthy to the point I don´t need to give a fuck about money, money is a fucking birthright *Making something meaningful with my life!!!! doing something grandiose and good with my life. Having purpose, something far bigger than myself and something really to strive for, something ambitious and big *Being able to navigate life This is basically it. What more is there? well, it is everything in life, and everything in life is a motivator to do the work I very much need to do on myself. haha, I am going to look back on myself now with emotion I probably I can´t even conceive as I am not in that frame of mind nor even close to it in any way. Well, this is basically it. As I am writing this I am starting to feel this frightening feeling of "what if I miss something in life?" and is there something I am missing? Because I don´t know shit about what a good life is as I have just been able to taste small bits of it. But I think that mainly the thing for me to do is to get started, because either I get started and fucking inspired and motivated to take humungous action, or I will miss out on ALL of life, and if that is going to be my life I might aswell end it right? fuck that shit, I do not dare to take my life, nor to live a bad and miserable one, therefore I have one option left — succeed or die trying. Basically it, there is nothing else than succeeding at this point. Good, going to do some shadow work now.

somehow reposted the same post

Thank you. I am now realizing. I need to go through high school. I will not quit, not even a break. And I think that in the future I will regret it if I do not take the outmost care of my time here. I need to get going with my mental health and emotional health so that I can fulfill my potential and start to see the light so to speak. Right now I have been in a very bad mindset. {just a offspring, I will start doing a gratitude journal now, don´t care will jsut do atleast ONE thing everyday that I feel that I truly can be grateful for, but I have to truly be grateful for it} back to it: I just realized that this time of my life is probably the time with the least amount of responsibility, but the more responsibility and time and effort I take now to develop myself will pay me in huge dividends in the time coming forward. And just things like getting laid would help me a lot. And actually doing good in the "good" subjects in school i.e math and physics which actually helps me think better (my IQ must be getting better just by doing these, feeling my brain is so much better functioning logically when I am doing these). One disadvantage for me is I live on a small place so the game is not as good and I have a lot of insecurities to start with so that makes it worse. Another thing is I live 45 min from town and therefore everything gets worse. I need to start to get some ambition, drive and inspiration for my life, in some way. I feel it now. I want to feel it later. How? I don´t know. BUt fuck it that is it. Okay, going to stop rant and actually write good stuff. So I DECIDE to finish high school, and I am going the natural science programe which means a lot math, physics, biology etc. So what can I do to maximize my time here? I can make use of my time as good as I can in every way I can in and out of school. This requires a certain degree of health physically and mentally and so I need to take care of my health. And when do I take care of my health? when I am motivated and feeling a sense of purpose. How can I develop myself without being an asshole to people? because when I am in the growth mindset I usually push of people becasue I don´t want to have anyone weighing me down. well, through drive and mental power. That´s really it and changing how I look at people and social interactions and looking at them in a more positive and constructive light. So good grades basically and good learning, ok. Other things: socializing, school is the greatest excuse to be able to find new people to hang out with and I can meet atleast 200 new people whom I probably would have liked on my school. So there is great opportunities to doing this. And the great thing I could do is to be myself, that would have been a fucking incredible feat of mental maturity and I am not there but fuck would it be awesome and cool and inspiring to others. I want to be a superior person than other in my school so I can teach others through actions how a person of authority CAN act if there is no egoic thought, well maybe this thought is a egoic thought but the intent is to be an example of how a person in power can bring others up without pushing others down etc. and doing all of that fucked up power dynamic which I see the "alpha boys" on my school doing. HAHA, "alpha" has really been degraded during the 2000s huh? Maybe it has always been that way but alpha is NOT an insecure man projecting his insecurities on others (just my opinion though). And a BIIIIIIIG other part of my time in high school would be the learning aspect, to learn the principles of the mind and things as such. learnign about practices like meditation etc. and also learning them through practicing the practices most of hte learning process. okey, so this is all GREAT. And there WILL be obstacles on the way like insecurities and doubt. But two of the greatest struggles of which I can think of is 1: that my body in general, and my achilles in particular is hurting a lot. This is making me very insecure as a lot of my confidence and good feelings come from moving my body very loosely and being very agile and mobile, and now I am taking a more stable and "old man" approach in my movement as I do not want to hurt myself. 2: That I seem to get SUPER motivated but then lack the motivation a while after. I know, motivation is temporary bla bla. But the thing is I get profound feelings of hopelessness and nihilism and negativity about everything about myself and my situation. relief of pressure: I am going to make my third and final year the YEAR. I am going to try as much as possible this year and develop and then summer holidays will jsut be a fucking training camp for me becoming a BEAST in MY meaning of the word and in MY intention of the word in this context. What the fuck is these feelings of hopelessness and things which are stunting my motivation? because the motivation is there it is just shit in the way of me feeling it a lot of times. I think the journaling and stuff will eradicate a lot of that. But I feel that there must also be something more maybe? something that would enable me to let loose of the shit baggage which I am fucking up my inspiration and drive with? Some sort of mindset shift has to happen, what it would be I am not sure. One thing coming to my mind is more focusing on the process than the results as I am always so caught up in the results side of the equation, like with my training now, in the beginning I was feeling so bad becasue I was looking for results all the fucking time. So what did I realize during that period? Let´s internalize the insights I had! At first I was checking and expecting and hoping for results doing the weekly check up of my body and I would worry when doing this "what if it is not better. Have I done anything wrong?" and shameful feelings arose because of the lack of results and I felt that I wanted to find excuses as to why things didn´t work. "I haven´t slept good. training wrong? etc.". I was so results oriented during the practices that the practices were interrupted by it! Like during the excercises I would all the time check my body after the "right" sensations and if I didn´t I would feel bad and if I did I would feel good about it. And no shit sherlock if it felt right I felt motivated by the "great results". So what did I do? I countered this mindset with searching for the bad spots during my weekly check ups and made it a game to find them and I would playfully say to myself "hope that I haven´t made any improvement" or "hope I have a lot of adhesions". And so when I found a "bad spot" I would feel better because the game was kind of to find them. But more than this game I was just focusing on the sensations in my body and on the actual practice and becoming the best practisioner of the practice that I could become. Focusing on doing MY BEST. NO MATTER WHAT THE SENSATIONS OR RESULTS WERE. So I would not be dependent on results, so I just tried my best all the time instead and said to myself "you can do better, you can try harder. Let´s go harder, harder!!" I would NOT go for better and better results, the results are RESULTS of the practice (you hear it in the word, duh). This along with not really caring about the result by being prepared that my physical condition wouldn´t be better soon made me accustomed to the situation and not demoralized when I didn´t get the results I wanted, at the same time that I was doing my absolute BEST on getting better. This combo I felt was really beneficial for me. And this is a great approach to a specific practice which you may have expectation for benefits, because it alleviates the pain of dissappointment and makes it easier to go through. don´t master your results, master your practice and the results come as a RESULT. But I feel there is more to it than that. I need to become more motivated by life and inspired and driven by it in some way. How? can I think of someone I know or have seen who has gotten that kind of general motivation by life? *my father has motivation family mostly I would guess. not compatible with me. *Goggins has motivation to master his mind, sure bro, but too broad. *Big star athletes such as kobe and MJ and CR7 has motivation to be the best, what am I going to be the best in? Bit "traumatized" by this mindset as I have tried to be "the best" at soccer for so many years *some people who have severe health problems get unbelievably motivated to get healthy * the same with some people going through tremendous trauma *Some people want to just perfect their craft independent of how good others are. well, wtf is my craft nowadays that can give me motivation for life? *People motivated by proving people wrong and making others feel bad about themselves through success. Nah, not my cup of toxic tea thank you. Tried it, came out more miserable than coming in so fuck that. *people motivated by making the world a better place, sure. This is one reason to why I want to be a good person — to be a live example to people of how they can choose to be and I guess I am making the world a bit better if I did that *Material wealth, sure that´s a good one but not anything I am so intrigued by before I can master my mind satisfactorily So the thing is that I want to master my mind and body and do GOOD stuff during this 1.5 years (and beyond of course) and so I need some sort of motivation for learning and just doing things kind of for experience. My surfacing observation of myself and how I work is that I am deeply disconnected from life, and so I can´t be motivated (as of how it is now) by getting my health in check for example. And the thoughts that arise is that the internet is making me disconnected from reality and that I need to cut that out to the outmost limit to be able to experience life more intimately without excessive thoughts about stuff on the internet so I can actually delve deeper in life and FEEL life and through that maybe find things in life I feel for more. Because right now I am a bit lost in the virtual world and I can sense the effects it has. And the only solution to that is removing the craving for internet so that I can be on the internet just when I need to for school and personal development and learning. But is this it? Note to self: color the segments you think you need to come back to so that you can see them as I did above. Is disconnectedness and a drowning in the virtual world making me not so ambitious and motivated by life? I am lost in the virtual world and I do think that it is contributing. But there has to be more than that. It has to be some kind of regular practice getting me in the zone of thinking where I see the opportunities and possibilities. Where I see how one thing such as for example learning about my mind as something so inspiring because of what it gives. It is a certain frame of mind I can get into sometimes where I can see something like math which I am not naturally drawn towards but getting really excited about it because I know the mental processes of mine will get so much better and I think about the logical mind I am thinking and how good that must be and so on. Like maybe this is what the emotional scale and dreamboard is for suggested by nahm, but I have not done them so rigorously so I can´t quite know. But I have to find out a way to get into that inspired mindset so that I can be inspired more of the time and feel good about what I am doing more of the time than not. Although I know that there will be times where I will have to discipline myself through things but that can´t be the day to day operative system for me. Just got the application forum for going to the army, and I would actually have liked to do that, but since my mental and physical state is so bad I will most pronably not get drafted, because I basically answered all the questions about my physical health with that I am injured, because I am. And i said I didn´t want to go to do military service because then I would probably be a chief or some shit and that is not something I will fucking do. If I want to join I can join after high school because I can apply till Im like 40, If I would like to get that experience, because it is most likely not a question about sweden going to war, but if it was then fuck it, let´s go to war. That´s how I feel about it. Doing questionaire´s like that makes me just appreciate to the extent I am fucked up, no social life, injured mentally and physically and not doing shit right really. Well, it´s good motivation. Maybe I should try and get into the military? Would be a fucked up and good experience for a year atleast during training and I could make it my goal to be the best one there and get that competetive mindset out of my system maybe. What the fuck do I know. Now I will train, so that I can go to the military or just live my life as I want if I choose and want, I want to be physically healthy and do what I want

So I have been getting quite deep into ww2 and mostly the leading figures in it. And I mostly care about the psychology of it. And it has awakened thoughts about death, purpose, death of others etc. So I thought I´d write about it. So one thing I have been thinking about a lot is how a lot of people got killed during these times. And those who didn´t died from like the 50s to 2000s. And it kind of provokes a feeling of "why the fuck do anything?". You will die, no matter if you "escape" death in your early life, you will die. And it didn´t really evoke much melancholy, more of a feeling of "I have to do something" because I feel that I am taking my life for granted. And I feel that way because I am going to school not really liking what I am doing, and I hate that I am listening to these authorities. It´s like "you can follow our way of doing things if you´d like, it´s entirely voluntary. But if you don´t we will shame you and octrazise you to oblivion." That is what it feels like and I feel weak that I am following it because of this. Because I know that it is not that I like it. It is just that I am attached to following these rules. Really if I followed my feelings I would have done something entirely different, that is for sure. Because no matter what I would like to do I would not want to go to school, atleast not to my school as it is just so bad and wouldn´t match my ambitions, because whatever I do I always have high ambitions. But they leave you with that dilemma and I have now followed it for 1.5 years (for 1.5 years I have gone to school voluntarily although I don´t need to by law). I just feel like I need to do what comes to my mind and just DO and BE what I want to DO and BE. School is just such a bad environment where I am, everybody is so afraid and insecure and noone can really express themselves. Of course this has to do with the limitations I have puot on myself, but it has to do with my limits of handling the lashback of expressing myself. People will get after you verbally if you do that and they will freeze me out and stab me in the back. And it´s just such a lame life and "occupation" so to speak to have. I wish I could have ignored these feelings and peoples comments but the power of the many is too much for me I feel. I do not feel secure enough to be able to stand out from the crowd as MYSELF. And is this a good life???? no. Like I have one dude in my class which is actually interested in what we are doing, but he doesn´t seem to live really well either. He is just stuck in stupid "science paradigms". And he´s just a judgmental bitch doing homework although I think that he likes it quite a lot. But that is only one person in my whole class, everyone else is miserable just being in scool, myself included. And why the fuck do we collectively just follow the mainstream? well, because noone wants to be the one standing out, the one being special so to speak. And everyone is so fucking scared. I had a thought, how the fuck is this not the same as forcing people to do something???? Things are going downhill and people are starting to forget how to think, and it´s like of course you can choose what you want to do, but if you do you will suffer great consequenses. What the fuck man? But I feel that all of this is overwhelming me mainlky because I feel bad about not being able to move my body freely, and yes maybe I shouldn´t rely on an external event (my body getting healed) but fuck it!!!! I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING IN LIFE UNTIL MY BODY IS FUCKING HEALED! I don´t care if I am just trying to procrastinate etc but I have never felt more insecure and weak than now and that is just when my body is the most fucked it has ever been. Correlation, no? So, great fucking investment in my health and physical body, and I want to do more of this mental and emotional work aswell. But I feel that neither of these I am motivated by on a deep level, what is my why? what is my grandiose purpose? or atleast the meaningful meaning? I feel that I have not questioned myself and why I am ding stuff enough so here goes: You have no fucking obligation to do anything, that includes the physical training and recovery etc. aswell as the emotional and mental training youare doing. If you can not actually come up with something good and meaningful as to WHY you are doing these things, then maybe they are not th ethings I should be doing. Even thjoguh they may feel "liek the right things to do". So I am going to be completely honest and I am now open to let go of both of these aspects of my life if that is the case. So what do I feel is the meaning in my life? what is motivating me to do stuff and inspiring em to take action? My meaning in life right now feels like (this is the first thoght coming in my head) a striving for a good life. A striving for a life that in every way FEELS good. That is why I am doing what I am doing. But this is just a generla motivation, and soemthing which is quite inherent for everybody and doesn´t give that much motivation since it is so general and diffuse. What do I really want to do with my life? at first thought I feel like I have no idea. It feels kind of blank and I am looking for the "right" answer to this question, because this question seems a bit overwhelming and "too much" to be able to answer just like that, since it would influence every action I take onwards. Do I even know what there is to life? I don´t think so, as when I was a child and didn´t know much about the possibilities of life I probably have the same kind of ignorance now aswell. So if I do not know the possibilities of life should I then decide NOW what to do with my life from now on? Well, probably not right? Because then I would probably find out about a lot of new stuff and this would make it just weird and dumb to go about it this way. I think there should be a certain degree of context sensitivity, a sense of selectoin of what I want in the moment and at that time in my life. But still I need some kind of calrity going forward or I will just be doing like I am doing right now and just dreaming about a good life, and that just gives me some sense of purpose and meaning for a day or two until life hits me and shows me that I am looking for a needle in a haystack and everything is fucking dark aswell. But do I have some ideas or dreams about my future? even small ones. I have gotten these feeling of connectedness during mainly breathwork, to everything. And also feelings in everyday life of connectedness to people and to my craft. I want to have this connectedness as more of a natural and ongoing everyday thing. And this is in general e really good feeling. I want to be a man that people like and look up to like and idol. I want to develop every facet of my life to be the ultimate man so to speak and someone to draw inspiration from. I do not want to keep settling for being the person I have become through my childhood, I want to change that. I want to experience different kinds of lives, more isolated lifestyles, more outgoing and doing different stuff and being able to do these atuff and get good at them effortlessly. My ideal would be to feel good about myself and be myself no matter what. To have interests and doing meaningful things in my life. And I don´t know what to call these dreams and ideas other than the framework in which my life is going to be, and what I am filing the frame with is not really clear to me and need not be as I do not know what will happen in my life and therefore I cannot choose the course of action beforehand. But deciding a kind of framework would probably be of great importance and would provide some clarity and purpose and guidance to my actions. And I should now during this month continue and think about this framework and establish a quite comprehensive one with everything that I want to be included in my life in broad terms. So I know what I am going for. This is kind of the dream life, which is a ideal which I am going to strive for So note to self: make a dreamboard or whatever means neccesary to establish this framework which I want my life to be in. No must´s in the framework but it is just to give me some guidance and help me see what I am actually doing and going for as I am now not so attuned to neither what I want in the long term not what I want in the short term. I have also felt some feelings again for my parents, especially my father. I am scared shitless of him dying. I am just thinking about how I will react to it, how it will be and how empty it will feel etc. etc. And I think I know why I feel this: because I know I am not being a good human being, not in general and definitely not towards him. I pity him, because he is doing so much work and is very obedient and submissive almost at times. And I feel for him, because I. think that he doesn´t always feel so well about this and I know I am disappointing him and making him sad when I am being a dick and ruining stuff. And I pity him for doing so much of the bullshit tasks he has to do, like that he has to drive my sister in total 3 hours a day 5 days a week. That´s fucking 15 hours a week! And I just feel that I am stopping his life a lot by being this stupid, ignorant fucking bitch. And I sometimes miss the ol´days so to speak when we were doing more stuff together, we are still able to but still. I am very angry at my parents and quite unforgiving and lacking empathy adn it has always been like that, and maybe it is their fault and blame because of their parenting style, but it is definitely my responsibility to be the person I want to be. And if I possibly can accept the fact that yes maybe they weren´t the best at raising me and making me a good human being, but still no matter what they did "no matter what anyone says or does my duty is to be good" like marcus aurelius said. This is taking responsibility over my life and actually taking over the control of my mind and situation. But the quote before is not something which I am following myself, I think that is the way to go but doing that towards people I can´t. But this is definitely my ideal being able to do this, because that is why I am being a bitch to my parents, becasue I feel entitled to when they are being negative at me. But they are not even negative at me all the time because that is 99.99999% constructed by my mind, becasue I can feel the difference as night and day when I am in a good mood versus bad mood and how i respond, and moreso when I am depressed and when I am happy. It is two different worlds and if I can take control of my mind I take control over my environment automatically.But I don´t know if that´s is though. I am just concerned because my father is quite old and he maybe has 20 years left if he dies by natural causes and I am getting a resurfacing of fear of losing him. When I was like eleven yrs old I had a period where I would go to school, adn then lock myself in the toilet to cry because I was so afraid of losing my dad and I really didn´t want to lose him. Not the same now but still I feel worried and troubled by this. And I feel that I have not been taking care of the time I have had with him yet and I feel that if I can´t come over this worry about him and start to actually live life with him in it aswell then I will lose every chance of getting to be with him. I have good memories with him but I am still feeling bad because our relationship has gotten worse since I have been such an asshole and, well I don´t see us doing much in the future. But I think this is a reflection on how much I dislike the situation I am in and the person I have become. But I don´t feel this about my mother the same intensity atleast. This becasue she is 1.5 decades younger and also becasue I don´t like my mum as much unfortunately. I can´t seem to get along with her at all and neither could I when I was a kid (atleast not so much). Because she has always been quite fake in many aspects of life and being disingenous in life in general. And I haven´t been able to accept this about myself nor about her so that is why I don´t really like her ompany all the times, because she is fake and that I cannot accept that. When I am saying fake I mean that she is putting up a facade to other people and she is to different kinds of people, kind outwards and not always so kind inward but still sometimes kind inward. And I know this is because she is really insecure and stuff and that´s why she is doing this.

So just a small reflection. So I had a math test like 30 minutes ago. Felt really miserable and it went badly and my thoughts were like "why tf do I even do this anymore, I hate this." So I did a conscious experiment. I felt the craving to jack of, and so I did but remaining conscious. Before I was just a bit sad, afterwards I feel very insecure I feel a bit anxious and nervous and my thoughts are racing to negative thoughts instead of being stuck at one. Now my negativity spiraled more, and so maybe I can start stacking up the evidence that porn doesn´t give me anything, and that that is just a idea I have inside my head. So porn doesn´t make it better, it makes it worse. But the belief is that porn and jacking of will relieve something, but that is just a belief and my direct experience says otherwise, if I just look. I need to be aware when doing these things which I know are really making me feel bad, so I can correlate porn to something which makes me feel bad and therefore I should not do it.

why does hard things feel negative? they don´t always, but sometimes they do. I feel that they feel the worst when I am NOT consciously breathing, embracing and accepting the pain and focusing on the thing that I am doing. It is the unfocused mind, the wavvering mind which doesn´t want to, or doesn´t "accept the feeling which will feel suffering. Otherwise you will only feel pain and a reduced amount aswell. Why does the mind resist something which is in it´s experience? if I feel pain, why does it not accept it? it is there, why is the mind disowning it? it is just such a weird thing to do. Is it that I am resisting the experience and "looking for a way out" or that I am not emotionally attuned to what I want to do and therefore I can´t accept the pain that is associated with the dream, goal or purpose which I have. What I do know is that relaxation, conscious breathing, focus and acceptance and allowance and feeling into the pain even more (which you intuitivly doesn´t want to do, atleast not me) gets rid of suffering. Suffering is just a certain way of experiencing pain, you don´t have to suffer through pain. How I like to look at it is viewing the pain and the painful activity as a form of meditation. Like a practice of calm and focusing of the mind and allowance and acceptance aswell. The most easy to spot activity of this according to me is physical excercise. For me, I am doing a very painful training regimen, and so I have been suffering a lot through the workouts and through the pain. But what I have discovered is that I can see the pain in any way I want, the pain is not as objective as I have thought. Yes, there is a objective feeling of pain somewhere in that experience, but add on your beliefs and expectations and resistance to the pain and you have the feeling of the pain + the feelings of the other stuff you are bringing along to the table. What I need to work on however is doing something like this with other stuff, like journaling or so. But I feel this is the key to not be so bothered negatively by pain (when I have done this I have been very calm even during pain and it has somehow felt good.) But doing this on a regular basis aswell as in my daily life is the harder thing. And I am not sure I should "tolerate" pain in everything. Like, should I tolerate the pain associated with not following my purpose in life? No. And I guess the line of toleration should be that it can only be the process which should be tolerated, not the result. Because if the result is pain, then that is not something I should continue to strive for. The reason I am clarifying that is because I have and am in a very disciplined mindset, just do it. But doing that will make you blind for what you really want and more subtle details of life which you now miss out on. Why do I let myself go? One thing I have noticed is that when I am about to let myself go (i.e watch youtube, eat shit foods etc.) then I have second thoughts about it. But I am ignoring them, I get conscious of the thought "is this what I want?" and then I might listen to it further, but sometimes I just shut of. And this is a conscious action, it is not that I am drawn to my addictions without me being conscious about it. I do know it, but sometimes I feel that abstaining is not worth it. And maybe this is a result of me approaching life in a wrong way, because if my mental state is optimal then I won´t really want to do stupid shit. I know this because I have been there, not wanting to eat shit food because I knew that I was going for something that if I were to succeed in that I would need to not eat shit food. And this wasn´t much of a disciplining of my mind kind of thing, it just never occured to me that I should do it, it seemed stupid and unnatural for me to do that. Was this because my self image was one of a person being healthy? Because that was definitely part of my self image. I was kind of proud to be healthy and to not be drawn to bad foods or even craving it. But now I can eat bad foods a lot easier. Why is it that I let myself go like this now, but not then? what has changed? One thing: a big part of my self image has gone (my vital physical body) and that has sent me down a negative mental state, could probably say it is a depression. another thing is that I now do not deem soccer to be a purpose of mine, I haven´t given it up, but it is not in the forefront of my mind and I feel very pessimistic about it and I feel this negative down spiral of actions and thoughts. This pessimism about life in general is giving me a feeling of hopelessness, lack of purpose and meaning aswell as a lack of care about my life. I don´t know if there is a word for it but I am just not caring as much whether things go well or bad for me as I did when I had soccer as a purpose. So mostly I think it is that I lack a purpose and reason to why I want to do or not do things. My motivations right now are very negative, they are the need to satisfy other people and so I do smy school work, adn that is my main motivation on that front. The other motivations I have is mainly my motivation to get a happy life and a fulfilled life and that is why I am doing ht epersonal development work aswell as other stuff, everything just do develop myself so that I cna get a better life. Having a purpose and meaning in life aswell as learning more and developing my mental processes should make me better as a human being. And I should also question why the fuck not do the "bad" stuff I am doing. I have to do that also to be able to be genuine, to find out what I want to do for myself, now if I come up with the answer that I want to eat junk food and play video games all day then maybe I can feel and indication of self deception but when I am in a higher state I need to be able to ask these questions and ask all of them and answer them honestly without any biases or beliefs or bullshit or emotional baggage or whatever. Now I am going to trrain yooo.

everything is going pretty good with how I envisioned my month to be, a good start. Feeling restless when I can´t watch youtube or something else but journaling and meditation does make me calmer so. I have been thinking, why does the things whom are the best for me not make me inspired or driven or motivated? Is it that I am not attuned to it entirely? Because the possibiloity of life should be enough to make me jump out of bed and do everything with the greatest intent in every moment. It is so weird that I sometimes feel these "higher" feelings, but mostly I am satisfyied with watching youtube and watching other people living their lives, or doing some other sort of self sabotage. It might just be self sabotage actually, that I dislike myself and that I do not deem myself worthy of the life that I want. And without the self love there is no possibility to live a good life, because subconsciously I will resist it and I can´t fight against the current states of subconsciousness, I can only change it in the long term. Why am I still in school? I am not very interested in what I am studying but I am still here because the amount of responsibility and shame etc. I would feel if I quit now would be too much to bear. If my mental state was more stable I would probably quit, but as of now I need to get into a better mental state to be able to cope with that challenge, and that is a motivqation in itself — to develop myself enough so that I can handle myself on my own and make a living of my purpose in life. This and getting physically healthy again is really the goals right now. But it is HARD, I feel so much resistance, if only there were no resistance this change would be so darn easy, but I guess resistance is always the factor holding back in any kind of development. How could I reduce the resistance? I feel resistance to the change in person. Maybe I need to spend more time "being" the person I want to be through something like visualization and journaling perhaps. doing ice baths are getting increasingly enjoyable at every stage of the process. When I get in I get calm almost right away, I don´t know if I am supposed to breathe a lot when I am in the cold or not (because deep breathing makes you warmer? or no?) Anyhow, yesterday I was in for like 5 min and didn´t breathe deeply almost at all and it felt good, so must be okay. Will try out to do deep breathing or not. But I kind of "forget to do the deep breathing after a while, it just feels weird breathing deep when I am calm af in teh icy water so.. BUt gonna try and breathe deep for the next time and see if there is any difference. Vibe at home is a lot better since the dog came home. Feeling a bit better about the home situation and hopefully it can last. fucking hating being in school sometimes, because everybody is just so insecure and playing a game, where everyone tries to be cool and not do anything authentic or genuine, everybody is just being the normative person and avoiding expressing themselves at all. And can´t say I am different but with my self esteem I can´t. Not now, how the fuck could I do that now? I think that when my body is healed I will feel more secure, because that was my way of coping — having a functional and strong body. But I am being really insecure right now because I can´t fucking move sanely. But it is getting better, but I think I won´t focus on anything but getting my physicality in check. Which means emphazis on good training, good sleep, good recovery (which means I have to learn to relax) and good nutrition aswell as trying to cultivate good feelings in some way and probably going to do that through just doing th eschool work, doing the meotional work, and jussst doing fun stuff on the weekends and stuff and trying to not get tensed up, because I can sense that when I am getting tensed up that my body will start to hurt even more than when I am calm and relaxed, so it definitely has a major affect on my body. Trying to minimize stress levels and optimizing my breathing aswell. And that is basically it, can´t do anything else really until I have figured out my health. Can´t pursue a purpose until then. But I can look ut after things to do though, now so that I can try things out when I am healhy again. But this puts some pressure of and I can focus on just getting everything working for my body and mind. Hmmm, aint I insecure. I need to find things which feel secure to me in my life and aren´t addictions like youtube which doesn´t produce a net positive result. Like guitar. Something like that. A purpose. Is a man without a purpose even a man? is kind of what I am feeling. I feel like a nobody. HAHA, one more week of having to deal with my anxiety in school, but I will try and feel the feelings in my body and be very present and accept and allow them to come into my conscius mind and do teh sedona method on them.

why do I want to watch movies? Well, it gives me comfort and a emotional adventure which I like and which I am not experiencing that often in my own life. Movies give me a sense of purpose and clarity in some weird way, it enables me to get absorbed by the movie and not think about my own life, to not be conscious and take responsibility. And for some reason, responsibility and consciousness is some of those things which are really good for you and feels VERY good when you have gotten momentum, but the thought of starting that process of higher responsibility and consiousness is always so negative and gives very bad emotions. Why is it that things that are good for me + I know will feel good AFTER a while (not momentarily) doesn´t seem so appealing to me before I have started doing them? A theory without any own experience: humans prioritize instant satisfaction over long term satisfaction, because this benefited humans when we were more primal. Fuck that though. My experience: I am afraid. The feeling of uncertainty, unclarity and just the overwhelming feeling of the realization "oh, I need to go out of my comfort zone". I am afraid of all of these things and I do not just want to take action without analyzing and theorizing and "coming up with the perfect plan and execution". I want it to work, and also I just feel some resistance to it. There is a tug of war between 1. the me that wants to get better and build a better life. 2. the me that wants to cling to comfort and a sense of home and security. I guess the 2 is the ego talking. Fuck is my ego strong in a negative way. So movies are really a way of me being unconscious, like youtbe really. Because when I am watching youtube or movies I encounter myself being in a complete brain fog, a complete trans by the thing I am watching. I am not seeing what is shown, I am not listening to what is said. I am just a being just sitting there starring into a computer screen like I completely forgot my mind at home or something. And when I do that I usually feel sad because I know deep down what I am doing. I am hiding away from life. The life that should be the thing that is... life. The great life. Now becomes a contest where I am competing with others "how can I be as mindless and brainwashed and apathic as possible?". It is a disgusting liking of apathy. Yes, I do like it in some bizarre way, + that I am probably deeply disconnected from the truth and what I want to do. What I wrote above is encapsulating my youtbue and movie addiction in the perspective of "why tf do. I do it?" — because of the unconsciousness, lack of responsibility, lack of creativity, lack of connectedness to reality and mindnumbing and disconnection from my life. And youtube and movies provide a seemless solution for this (this, btw, is just what my lower self wants. My higher self is fucking dying by doing this) and makes it seem like I have less control and they are sweeping my mind into obliviousness and apathy and to a passive state. This is my lower self and my trauma and negative beliefs that are trying to protect me from doing something "bad" that I will regret, in other words making me not fail or make my trauma worse. Can I solve this by the 3 steps in my previous post? yes and no. The above 3 steps is a good method for a instantaneous abstaining from youtube and movies but for more long term thinking I would have to get rid of bad beliefs aswell as trauma (no major trauma in my life but still they are leaving a deep scar). why do I mindlessly scroll the internet? Because it is a form of procrastination, which kind of seems like I am doing something important. Like when people in public look like they are doing something important on their phone in public but really they are just insecure and wants to not look like they are doing nothing and just being "weird". This is the same for when I am doing it as a form of procrastination, it kind of looks like I am doing something and being busy, but it is really just insecurity about going out and actually doing something. can I use the above 3 steps? no, not the sedona method. Because that could become it´s own procrastination. It is more of work on emotions and more understanding about why I do not want to be active in my life and working on changing that. and of course life purpose is a part of that equation. But to change it fundamentally I need to change my emotions, to change it at the surface level I need to just be disciplined and be conscious that I should do the work which is what I have done in the past. But the bad thing about approaching it in that way is that it never becomes automated, it is always something to keep in mind. Change your emotions however and make it automatic — you free up mental space to do other things and continue to achieve because if not, then you are a bit stuck here if you have to fight your urge to procrastinate all the time. complaining. It is a thing that I do becasue it is harder to not complain. It is a way for me to keep conversations going and by doing that I internalize it and keep it with me even when I do not "need it" for social interactions. It is a way for me to not take responsibility and a escape from owning my life and to be the guy who says that he is responsible for how his life goes and everything that happens. This is a fuck up of emotions and beliefs and the solution is the same as with the one above. Porn. Porn is weird. I quit porn a while ago and just masturbated but started again when I read the easy peasy method because my mind is weird. I can though say, after a month or two of no porn and to now watching porn 3 days in a row, I didn´t enjoy one single of those "sessions". And now I haven´t watched in 2 days because I didn´t think about it. I think I started doing it again because I thought about it when reading that book. What is porn doing for me? it is staisfying my imagination of having sex with someone, and this is important to me as I am still a virgin. porn is also a comforter when life isn´t going the way I want it to. Usually when something bad happens or something that frustrates me or gets me hopeless I tend to want to watch porn. it is one of those things which seem to be a great idea before hand but after it´s just like "wtf bro" and you just feel kind of dissapointed in the experience and in yourself. And for some reason jacking of to porn isn´t satisfying, but occasional jacking of to imagination does feel good. stopping there, need to go to sleep... Have been not so up in this journaling, have been with my new dog mostly because he´s so god damn cute and he´s such a mood uplifter. But more of this journaling will come. Especially during this month. Will try and watch tv and stuff as little as possible, even though I feel my ego is resisting. But I will persevere and just try my best to meditate and journal and shadow work and sedona method etc. during this. goodnigth on ya

Why do I begin stuff and not finish it? this has been a reocurring theme of mine during my self development journey and it is still very prominent now, I set goals a while ago after listening to a programme of Brian Tracy, and I made them pretty good (atleast some of them) but I just stopped. What is it that makes me stop? why? I watched a youtube video a couple of days ago and it had 3 reasons why your motivation is lowered. 1: you don´t see improvement. 2: you don´t have a purpose bigger than yourself. and 3: when I set too big or too small goals. And I think these three kind of encapsulate what I am going through. These are just from my memory as I will not look at more self help advice for a month, not even on this forum really except if it has to do with some of the things I am doing which I want to improve. So, why do I begin stuff and not finish it? I usually feel discouraged, and even though I see progress many of the times I have this feeling of "what´s it gonna matter/do anyway, it´s for nothing". I don´t feel that incentivized to do it, I don´t have that drive. So this probably means that my purpose kind of sucks, that I am trying to fabricate a purpose to not feel that bad about past purposes I have had which I haven´t had the ability to attain or pursue. And then that feeling of despair and meaninglessness overwhelmes me so that I get paralyzed, I can´t do anything to do about it because I do not have the tools to handle it so usually I resort to food or momentary pleasures like youtube or movies or procrastinating or porn or masturbating or whatever. why do these pleasures seem so good when externally it seems that I am doing good with my progress? Because I am feeling good about my progress but I feel a bit dirty about pursuing what I am pursuing (now this is only in my subconscious because I just feel the feeling of feeling dirty). Maybe I am pursuing something which isn´t what I am "supposed" to pursue? in other words I am pursuing something which I don´t REALLY want to pursue. And I need to practice to feel into things and realizing which things I want to do and what things I don´t want to do. Why do I feel the need to these external immediate satisfaction pleasures? I feel that I get something from it, yes. Food makes me feel comfortable because when I am overly full I feel safe. I value feeling that way because I have been doing this since I was a child, eating a lot and that comforts me. How does that even comfort me? because when I am indulging I am doing so in a very mindless way and I am not even present and feeling what I am eating, how could that be comforting? because when the stomach is full I feel kind of warm and drowzy inside and it feels good. Why is a drowzy feeling feeling good, doesn´t that feel bad? For some reason I look forward to sickness and illness and injury (I feel a bit shamefull about this but here it goes) because that forces me into a state of passivity. It creates a excuse for me not to take action and be a successful man. It provides me with an excuse. And feeling drowzy is kind of like feeling a fever, kind of makes you not so likely to active action. And what this does for me is that it provides an illusion of no control so that I can feel good about not achieving or going out trying to achieve things. So food is just a way to stimulate illness to kind of impair me to be honest, and that relieves some of the pressure I feel is from others and from myself (both created internally) to achieve. I think this has something to do with me trying to impress my parents when I was younger, but they were always focusing on the negative aspect, and the wronging I did so the best way to relieve this was being sick or unjured, because then they would have empathy and all of a sudden act like as if they cared. Now some of this is just some speculations but I am trying to dive deep into how tf this works, and maybe when I know that maybe then I can transcend it. But probably need some kind of bodily release for that aswell but I am working on it. But why was it always so neccesary for me to achieve when I was a kid and now? Like where does this come from? I feel like my parents wanted me to do the best I could in life and would then think that the way to make me improve and get better was through critizising everything because "then the boy will reconsider his actions and make it better the next time". Because now, 17 years old, I feel that I am doing the same thing when I am in that power position. And I feel this comes from a really good intention but it is just so wrong based on how psychology works. It is not really their fault, there is no one to blame and I forgive them because I now see myself being as they are and therefore I can relate to why they do what they do and also the same for me. Not saying it is good though. But the responsibility to both fix my own insecure feelings about doing stuff wrong/right aswell as this stupid thing I am doing imposing this stupid idea onto others like my sister is also MY responsibility. 100 % responsibility for my life, the blame aint that important but the responsibility is for the outcome of my life and the time I spend here on this earth. So this really went sideways from where I began, but is my obsession over food correlated to my fear of not doing enough? I would think so, but maybe my thought that I am doing it because I want to be "impaired" is flawed, because mostly I feel that I want to eat food because it gives me a feeling of satisfaction. do I feel satisfied when I have eaten much or unhealthy? Well, it feels really good when I am eating it, but I wouldn´t say even the minute after. It. gives me a pleasant sensation in my mouth that goes away instantaneously. What am I left with? sometimes I feel guilt and shame if I think about how it is ruining my aspirations of being physically healthy and mentally healthy. But if I leave the self imposed feelings, what are the feeling after? It is usually just a feeling of satisfaction though, I can´t deny it. When I have eaten, especially when it is just a lot, I feel very nice in my stomach. It has some satisfactory aftertaste through the absence of hunger and no craving of food. I do not like to crave food. But why does it always have to be so much in volume and grease and sugar? well, because I am not actually enjoying it and being mindful of the experience so that leaves me ultimately unsatisfyied when I could have been satisfiyed if I had just noticed "oh, here comes the food into my mouth. Yummy yummy. feels good" you know? feeling into it and experiencing it "food is a experience" — kind of. Maybe it should be but I am not really doing that, I am rushing my eating and not tasting it. Because I am always stressed and that habit I can thank school for and the stupid fucking time limits you have on eating lunch. I was always a supeeeer slow eater when I was a kid and I wanted to eat every meal for like an hour. But at school we didn´t have that time and everybody tried to get me to hurry up and whooopdado a couple years later and here I am eating my big fucking dinner in 5 minutes. No joke, I begun fast eating like them on youtube and kind of thought it was cool or something and still doing but not thinking it is as cool (but still a bit). But what is about that fucking craving though? why does that even occur? I feel a feeling, and I want something to fix it. So when I crave food my brain´s solution to my emotional "problem" is food. "eat food and you will feel better", good right? And so if I am not mindful I will eat food and will "solve" the emotional "problem". But really it is just masking it. And from my newfound knowledge of emotions I can tell that when I am feeling the craving for food with some kind of underlying emotion that I do not want, then I need to do the sedona method which is basically just feeling into the emotion in my body and relaxing the body and allowing myself to feel the emotion. When this month is over I will read the "power of releasing" or whatever by something hawkins or whatever his name is. Got recommended that. If I do not sense any results whatsoever after these 4 weeks I will probably spend like 1000 dollars on some kind of therapy, to get me on my feet to be able to coninue my own therapy. But ok, so I know the solution, but it is really hard when I am feeling the urge to overeat or eat wrong to say "ok you have this feeling but just sit with it now." I´ll be like "fuck no, just let me eat you fuck. Unless you have some legitimate reason then I won´t. So I need to have a meaningful purpose which will make me just motivated enough to be like "yeah same procedure as always" and just fucking feel into it. Aside from the purpose it is just one of those things which you need to build up a habit of doing, and having the discipline to do it. But it is so hard to qaúantify this when it is in more broad aspects but if the habit goes "if you feel food craving, you will do the sedona method". (Learnt from atomic habits, fucking great book. really one of the only books I have read purposefully but fuck is it good for surface level habit changing). And couldn´t this be applied to every of my addiction? youtube, movies, porn, masturbation, social addiction such as being a dick. Yes I think that it could, but I am going to contemplate them too. The three steps to say fuck of to my addictions: 1: Make a habit out of "when I feel the craving of {addiction} I do the sedona method" 2: Realize that to "give up" your addictions you have to have a good purpose for it. Build up a life purpose and smaller purposes, dreams and goals which are bigger than you aswell as not egoistically about you. Otherwise you are not going to be able to "give up" your emotional crutches. 3: Set the intention to do the sedona method. DECIDE to do it no matter what. It is in this fully commited decision that will make it not so unbearable. half ass commitment = confusion and tug of war between "am I serious about this or no? what the fuck are we doing?". Okay, so I need to check if this actually applies to the other addictions I have, and if not then I will atleast have more understanding of them. (random wondering, is this logical knowing even beneficial? or am I kidding myself? I have felt in the past that this might help, but well well, I will know by the end of these four weeks. And if you are actually reading this then it will be a fucking lot to go through. And I will try and write out my main insights in bold and other color so that I can see them in my journal, because there is no fucking way I will be going through my journal (atleast not for a couple of years). So what are my addictions first of all? (this is going to take a fucking long time). on a second thought, I am just going to take the addictions that are really holding me back, the big ones: *youtube and movies (feel they are in the same category) *mindless internet scrolling *complaining *porn I will stop there because they are the big ones. Youtube. Why do I get the urge to watch youtube? Because I want to feel better. And what is the emotion you are shying away from? Hopelessness and uncertainty and unclarity. So what is it that youtube is giving you? it gives me a feeling of home and security, and I want to do it now for an example because things are going a bit weird and it is a bit hard. So it is a comfort for failure and for when things are going badly. So the main feelings I am trying to avoid are: unclarity, hopelessness, uncertainty, failing something, when things are going bad and I feel out of control so out of control. This is my hardest and most intense addiction and I can nowadays spend HOURS on youtube if I do not watch myself very closely. So youtbue gives me a feeling of home and security and comfort, why? well first thing is that as a kid I watched a lot of youtube and it did the same thing for me then as now, it kind of made me impaired and comfortable and filled me with momentaryial good feelings. I was trying to get away from the hardship of being with friends because it was hard and is hard for me to get friends and so in a deppresing and sad way youtube is my only friend. it is making it possible for me to fog my mind and not be conscious of the things which I subconsciously don´t want to be conscious of. Like failure, what I am going to do with my life etc. and all of these hard questions and thoughts (which btw is the purpose of this month, ot face these things in a nondistracted frame of mind). It is a really good distractor from things I don´t like to look at and it makes me feel good in the process aswell (momentarily). And I also feel that if I am not watching I am missing out (which, if I am going to be logical which of course doesn´t decide what you do, is just so stupid "thinking" (rather feeling) because I would never be able to "catch up" on everything which I would be interested even if I commited my whole life to it. And really noone cares (except for some of my stupid classmates) if you have watched the latest video of mrbeast or whatever. So logically this behaviour is just fucking stupid, but of course this is not based on logic, it is based on emotions.). And becuase of the sheer width of my addiction to youtube it is very hard to think about this also because I probably don´t have the self consciousness which I might think I have. continuing this tomorrow, need to go to sleep.

having real hard to actually see myself doing this which I described above, but it will be worth it so will make a plan tomorrow on the week and just follow and make it happen, no real pressure to do anything good. My parents bought a dog, this is the best fucking dog I´ve ever seen in my life, listens so well and is just a real charmer. Really happy about it, will provide me some good company at home. Love him. He is so darn cute it is hard to describe.

so goodmorning. Sitting all alone in the classroom as of now. Quite excited for the new idea I have, and still today I feel I want to do it even after a goood nights sleep. Sleeping a lot better day by day now, the weighted blanket makes me not toss and turn so much so will keep it. Going to try and talk to my parents about a new mattress and new pillow, would probably help with both sleep and the back and neck pain I have had. My achilleses feel alright today, they were pulsating and the right one hurt when I was extending it, but now it feels all good. And they were kind of itching inside and my experience is that when they do that they are healing LIke when a wound starts itching it is because the wound is almost entirely healed, it is just the last part of the healing of the skin that itches. So all good I think but still going to take today easy and maybe tomorrow too depending on how I feel today and tomorrow. So the meaning of my idea is to make myself bored and I must make myself sit with myself alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Which is what I have tried to do for so long but haven´t had a idea about how to do. Before I have been trying to be entirely isolated, but that didn´t work very well so this is kind of in between because I still have school, and I think that they will both help each pther. And I hopw something good comes out of it, what I am kind of expecting is more understanding and then having some emotional leverage because of that, aswell as emotional leverage from the insane boredom I might encounter. ONE THING THOUGH: I am going to be able to put on some sounds to listen to so that it will not just be a month of listening to my parents talking etc. because I have really bad concentration but maybe that will get better too during this, I would guess it should. Well, now it´s school. Don´t know how the fuck to handle school because I just don´t like it at all.

this is going to be it. THis is my life for the next month. I will be doing the emotional work, working through it all, this is what I ahve been putting off for YEARS and now finally I can begin, I feel liberated from the uncertainty, I feel free to be bound to this for a month. Maybe two who knows. But no matter what I NEED to do it for a month and then I will see how I feel and hopefully I can be honest about it. I need to look deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep inwards, because those areas have been completely hidden from me. They are completely undiscovered territory for me since I have not taken the time to look within. I have always been confused like "I am not scared to look within" as everyone thinks I am, the thing is I ahven´t let myself take the neccesary time to look within because it doesn NOT come natural for me as it is right now, and that is perfectly fine because that is my starting point. I will not judge myself too much, I will try to let myself off the hook and relax into this month but not in a toxic way, but in a calculated and well thought out way, which is the thoughts which I am having now and I am going to take great advamtage over the good intentions I have now for the growth of myself during this month. I am feeling all feelings in my chest, when I am doing the sedona method everything feels right there. Fuck, hungry? in the chest. Anxious? in the chest. Angry? in the chest. It is sometimes tha tlike happiness can feel somewhere else but other than that I hold everything in my chest. Unless it is a life threatening heart disease of course jokes on you you paranoid fuck feeling a bit overworked by my training an ddecided to take 2 rest days now and wold you guess, my achilles started hurting now again. Don´t think it is reversing progress but it is just a sign that my fascia and mind is tired to I will take the neccesary GOOD rest days of of ALL of training and try to recover and feel good and all of that during these days. Good choice but still keeping up to walk and stuff. The training IS paying of though, I can walk with my super stressed classmates in their ridicolous walking pace now, I can get of the bus without really thinking about it. So it is paying of even though it is very slow but as coach said, the changes can be very fast and usually happens in the weeks 5,9 and 12 in the training cycle and I am in week 3 now so soon there. And no illnesses!!!!!!!! The ice baths seem to pay of. Half of my class has had covid in these last few weeks but I haven´t felt a thing which hasn´t been the case before. So the ice baths are really doing their thing and I feel good by doing them. And if you are reading this from another country, yes we are in school studhying in sweden so that´s why. Good on the ice baths. I get all red and when I breathe deep after getting out I feel this intense warm sensation going throughout my body. Proud that I can get out there, maybe not so depressed after all... No I am not depressed, I just lack some needs like a purpose and meaning and some other stuff like social interactions, other than that I am quite fine. Aswell as my body is fragile atm but all good, it´s getting better. I don´t know what I am going to do about school, I chose the natural science programme and now I am fucked sideways into choosing between like physics, math and biotechnology, and I don´t really want to do any of them. In this way I just feel very uninspired to do these things because I feel uneasy and uncomfortable in my body and in myself and so I don´t want to do shit like this that is striving for something and especially not when I don´t really want to do it and I didn´t want it. But I will have to make a choice to mid february I think. Well, maybe I will quit school anyways by summer so. But feels hard on me but I will just choose what feels best right now in terms of how much I like the subject and how much I think I can handle now. Goodnight yall, will see if my parents can shut the fuck up so I can sleep. Funny how they made me go to sleep when I was younger and now when I am older I am trying to get to sleep but they keep me awake at night. hmmmmmmm. They are sketchy in some of their actions, but then they are probably like me in the way that they don´t either have calrity or anything good in terms of mentality. poor us eh? not really. But maybe they will change if they can see a transformations of myself, but I think not unfortunately and honestly I have given up on them improving, so I will just accept them as they are and will try and work things out even though they have stubborness in a lot of areas

WOOOO, game plan. I have been stuck now for a while in some negative spirals and have been stuck in action taking aswell. So I need to do something. I saw a video on yt on how to get out of the "self improvement depression". Basically what he said is to distrust the mind, don´t trust the mind´s logic or reasoning. Second, do mainly nothing, meditate, journal and exercise and sit around and do nothing, in the true essence of the word doing nothing, so no youtube or nothing. Just sitting and not doing much. I thought his ideas were really good so I am going to implement it straight away now, because spontaneous and dumb probably. But I would like to add some things, which I would feel he intended that I should do. Ice baths and cold showers. Sedona method. Shamanic breathing. Shadow work (one part of journaling). playing the guitar. I do not think I need any videos or anything atm, I feel I just need to go within because the feeling I have had in the past has been that a lot of advice I have gotten has been super profound and good, but since I have been stuck in a "depression" or just stuck more generally I haven´t been able to do anything about it. How do I resolve? through doing less. I always feel that I am missing out, and therefore I am watching youtube (ironically enough, and all of it is just bullshit). So I am going to be a lifestyle minimalist (haven´t watched that video of leo´s but I can guess what he meant with it). Not forgetting about listening to affirmations during the day etc. but that is something I do during dumb shit I do (school work). and breathwork I feel that this will make me feel myself and feel where I need to go and also this simplification will make things clear for me. No reading books or anything, no videos, no asking for advice about self improvement. Because honestly I don´t use it. And I won´t trust my mind with this one. It´s too dangerous to risk my quality of life. So: exercising like 6 or 5 days a week, will take a lot of time but it´s worth it meditation atleast 30 min a day in the evening, like 5 min in the morning just to start of the day playing the guitar atleast 5 min a day shamanic breathing atleast once a week on saturday ice baths on the weekend is must and good on the weeks too, ciold showers every pther day. Going to go slow on the cold so I don´t go to hard on it now in the beginning because I got sick by doing that the other year doing atleast one session (around 45 min) of shadow work everyday (this is tied in to journaling) journaling in all of my time over, no nothing else, I am a fucking journaler sedona method as soon as I feel some positive or negative emotion tugging at my attention. EDIT: if I can manage to attend some social gathering during this time that is also a pass aswell as hanging out on school. I will only engage in conversations and engagements in school which feel good, not those who don´t and when it doesn´t feel good I just walk away and either find someone else or I focus on my work So, fuck everything else. Will think a bit more in the upcoming hour and think it through more. I feel as though this would be a good start though. Will edit this comment a bit in a bit I wonder if this is a good idea? can´t ask people I know so can ask on this forum. So the idea is that I journal on this thread, but that I don´t look at other threads, and I won´t watch youtube or anything like that. So this feels like a good idea and I want to try it out no matter what people on this forum thinks. Honestly I don´t care at this point and I will not ask because someone maybe will make me insecure or unsure about this decision. I will do this for a month. No tv no nothing. Just for the sake of it. My goal is NOT to get rid of bad habits, my goal IS to look inwards and find myself and actually accomplish something by doing "nothing". The reason I want to do this is because I have felt the power of being alone in your thoughts without the amount of influence I have now on a day to day basis. Finding calm, assertiveness and clarity from within. That is what I am all about. How will this look? Like I wrote above, I will do a plan every sunday where I just plan out the brief frame, but the rule is: "If I do not do anything of the things above or any activity in school, then I will journal, do shadow work or the sedona method and basically do nothing and be bored and have to look inwards". I RESOLVE; I COMMIT; I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENSES I WANT TO DO THIS SO FUCKING BADLY AND I WILL DO IT; FROM NOW ON THIS IS WHAT I WILL BE DOING THERE WILL BE NO EXCEPTIONS DURING THIS MONTH AND I DONT CARE AND I WILL JUST PERSEVERE AND GET TO KNOW MYSELF I DONT CARE IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS JUST THE STEPPING STONE BUT THE STEPPING STONE AND THE FIRST STEP IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BECUASE IT IS WHAT ENSURES ALL THE OTHER STEPS I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW I WILL FEEL DURING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL WANT TO QUIT SO BADLY AND HAVE SUPER BORIND WEEKENDS AND WANTING TO JUST END THE BOREDOM AND JUST GET MY MIND ON YOUTUBE OR SOMETHING BUT I WONT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO I DONT CARE I WILL DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT I WILL ACT UPON WHAT I AM SOWING RIGHT NOW AND NOONES GOING TO STOP ME AND I WONT QUIT EARLY BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD I WILL NEVER STOP BECAUSE IT IS THE DAY THAT I STOP THAT I WILL DROP DOWN AND GET FUCKED OVER BY MY MIND AGAIN

Define living life to the fullest — Living life to the fullest means to have knowledge of oneself, to know where you are kidding yourself and how you work psychologically and physically aswell. This to be able to sift through the bullshit you may be telling yourself, because living life to the fullest means that you are intending to do that, and now you have to find the truth about "how to live life to the fullest" and if you do not know how you work and how you fuck yourself over, you will not be able to do this. Being spontaneous. Being able to just do something without thinking it through on occasion. This is not a regular thing but to be able to follow your intuition and decide if it is in alignment with "living life to the fullest". For an example, say some of your friends asks you if you want to get drunk af and that is basically the spontaneous action you can take that day, and maybe that is not living life to the fullest, but maybe it is depending on the people asking. It is all about feeling inwards on the authentic feeling about this. The hard thing is that feeling part. doing things you love. The net result of your day´s ahould be positive. Everyday should feel great and you should feel enthusiastic and that what you do has meaning and that you want to do what you do more than other things. Experiencing life on all levels. Not just excluding yourself from parts of life. Like for me for an example, I am in a rough period (maybe I am in what´s called a mid life crisis, even though I´m just 17) and I have essentially excluded myself from all parts of life. This is not a good life. A good life is not to feel good and then just because you feel good not explore other areas of life. Getting "civilised" or comfortable or stuck in a routine. Changing things up and experiencing the good and the bad so to speak. This is (more concrete) that you maybe should read more fiction and just do that, or travel more to see cultures, or play a instrument, or learning a language, or joining some kind of group. And not getting STALE, cuz if you get stuck in that you are dead. Learning. About yourself mostly but also about other things. Things will show their true form and this is apparently good (don´t actually know why I included it but I guess that this is good but I haven´t really experienced this myself fully but my gut feeling says that learning makes you live a "better" life, a better life meaning a life which you would choose to live over another way of living) Going deep in something. Making something a great part of your life for atleast a period of time which you intend to master and perfect. This in balance with doing a lot of different things feels good. Not getting stuck in a certain kind of thinking. Remaining stubborn over some belief and keeping attachment to beliefs. love. Being able to love everybody and not Being stuck in hatred and resentment because of your own internal environment. Being able to get over yourself Being a very socially good person. The interactions between humans mean a lot, and being good at sensing cues and being able to be your higher self genuinely with people and feeling good about the social aspects Coming to terms and accepting hard truths about the world, about yourself and others. going out in nature and being with animals. Having that connection between you and nature and animals.feeling it being generally just wise. In a more generall sense because I am lazy, being wise makes everything so much easier. This is just what I thought of now, but feels like a decent list, I want to know more concrete what I am after, because right now I am just chasing after feelings which I fantasize about and I feel alone and like I am falling in space and being out of control with this. I am doubting if I will ever be able to do any of this stuff or if I will go back to "normal" again. My normal is so pathetic unfortunately. Everyone I know is just going down in quality of life. I am very interested in the world wars, and the people. I am, for some reason, very interested in their death. I also feel more connected to life and I just see that everyone in those wars both lived great lives but also shitty lives at the same time. I dunno I just feel inspired to live my life when I read about them and see pictures. Like I feel that the average life was so much better than today. But I think today the possibility of how good of a life you can have is much greater but most people nowadays seem so fragile and frail, and they don´t even like looking at their computers and phones and being in isolation all the time (covid or not). I feel that people during those times lived, they knew the risks and knew that they would probably die but if I am going to die this miserable I would much rather go out as a soldier, having fun while it lasts and then die young. Really. I am so lusting for real connection, I wish I was born in a place where people went outside together and just had fun in nature or whatever. My life is so pale in comparison to that. Maybe I am being ignorant and ignoring other aspects like poverty and stuff but much rather poverty and connection to people than being middle class in today´s age and being a fucking loser. That time´s losers were the. bums on the street, everyone else just sacked it up and did what they needed to do. I think I am seeking comradery, a group of boys whom I fucking love as my brothers. That would be something. Just being ourselves and being men and having fun. fucking hell. I am scared of the life I will have if I do not sack up and pull my shit together. I feel that today´s society is so toxic, but I think it is just me being toxic and then projecting. FUUUUCK. I am not even that willing to give up my comforts. This is just so brutal, I know it doesn´t feel that way when you are out of this misery but being in it just feels so fucking hard. And even if I would like to join the army or whatever group of men I can´t because my body is broken, I have just been sitting at a chair in school as a good fucking student as I am and not listening but still being there and wasting my time. I feel something looking at that time period. Like some sort of indescribable good feeling about it. ight, will be going to sleep. Feeling ok, just haven´t slept good so have not been able to do good work in school but school aint important so whatevs. I am trying to socialize with people and I can feel my insecurity, my sentences are not coming out smooth and I feel insecure and uneasy, but on the way. Just had a emotional setback a couple of days ago and wanted to fuck of with this journal and never see it again but feeling... they come and go and they are not always true. Good training good overrall. Will be getting a dog this friday night, will take advantage over that fuck and just absorb the happiness from that little boy. playing guitar consistently everyday now, trying to find some enjoyment in my life

Ok, so maybe nothing wrong with this? Then only thing I know is that either way it feels really good, my body feels warm and nice and I feel calm and I lose feeling in my body incrementally. Even random thoughts doesn´t feel that bad during the meditation

Hi! So I have been mostly doing breathing meditation for the last 6 months or so, other kinds of meditations like observing thoughts just makes me want to punch a wall so I´ll stick to the rbeathing meditation in the meantime. But my question is that I feel that I start to manipulate the breath during the meditation and it gets forced and sometimes it feels hard to breathe and it feels out of sync and forced. I know I am just supposed to observe the breath but this happens without me trying to so should I do something about it?