Yoremo

@Dryas yeah might check into that, right now though I don´t feel like I would handle going into a topic like that deeply though since I don´t feel so good, because what I know of these topics are quite deep? Or would you say that it is worth the struggle?

@Ulax Probably trauma is the thing for me. Because I can see that most other people aren´t having the same problems as I am having, they go through life pretty easily. I am starting cbt therapy on wednesday. That therapy is free from the wellfare in sweden so that´s why I have access to that. It is founded on slowly exposing me to situations that I have problems with if I understand it correctly, aswell as me talking to the psychologist and I don´t know if they can help me relieve the deep trauma or if this is only a relief from the symptoms. Because as an example, last week I had presentation in front of the whole class both thursday and friday, which I am terrified of but I did it. And on friday I was jumping with joy (can´t jump but you know what I mean) because I felt so good about myself and I had gotten so confident. But I am very unsure whether that kind of thing really resolves something for me and if something like that would have any value. Well I guess I´ll find out when I have been going to that therapy for a while. Hmmm, I think this is a big component of suffering in my life too. Do you have any suggestions where to look through that facet of life more thoroughly?

So I really need to come to terms with my parents in some way. I am getting irritated and mad at them for very small things all the time. So what I usually get mad at is when my dad especially is being slow in his thinking and I get frustrated and irritated by how slow he thinks and is. I also get irritated and mad when my parents aren´t "respecting me" the way I want them to. I feel a sense of entitlement to sleep without noise, an entitlement to get dinner in time so I won´t digest food when I should sleep and fuck up my sleep and a healthy dinner so I can recover from my injuries and just feel better. These are my biggest entitlements. I have some egoic thing going on aswell, where I feel better than my parents and feel the urge to show them how bad they are. I try to point out how they are delusional and how they are stupid, and they seem kind of unfazed by this but if my experience with humans is correct then they are suppressing a lot of feelings, and I think I am hurting my parents really badly but they don´t want to show themselves weak. I think that if I continue to do this I am going to break my parents, because they are so out of touch with their body and themselves that they won´t really tell people when they are hurt, but I am as always not so fazed by this as I can´t feel the full magnitude of the problem. I am not very attuned to my body or emotions either. I can get mad when they are asking me normal questions parents usually ask, like "how was your day?". or "what have you done today?". And maybe this is something I can do my shadow work on. Because these questions provoke some feelings of "they want to get something out of me when they are asking this". I think I am going to do the shadow work where I see the world from their perspective, to feel into that and understand them more. To be more allowing of them as I have egoic reasons as I am going to stay home for a while, but also it would be an invaluable skill to be able to handle such people with ease and make the interactions a lot better by me being a better human being.

@itachi uchiha yeah that makes some sense. But how would you suggest I do this work then, just trying to discipline myself and trying trying trying to understand and grinding to put things in practice and then with time these good intentions and good efforts will result in clarity so I can then get the results I want? you can tell me how you´d think the most optimal approach would be if you want

@Space how did you start watching his videos? Like how did you make these videos a part of your life? I think I need to be more contemplative of his videos and all the other advice I consume. Also I think I need to get rid of trauma and negative beliefs and negative self image and that is something I am working on. Maybe that is enough for me now, to just focus on fixing trauma and just challenging myself? I am also going to begin therapy this week so that might also help btw. I am not really watching his recent videos, I am watching those older videos. But the last few weeks I haven´t watched anything because I have tried to just journal and contemplate and find some answers fro myself, not just consuming content as I have done now for 8 months or so

Well, that shadow work felt really structured and nice. It felt like it was a very nice complement to the other explanations of shadow work I have seen. Contemplation about strong negative emotions. So this is the video. And this is the start of me trying to contemplate what I am taking in instead of just consuming and not doing the work integrating and embodying it which I would feel is like 3/4 of the work or even more but I have just not done it in the past. First things first: resistance creates suffering. And I must agree. Whenever I resist something like resisting some annoying sound then the suffering multiplicate. When I am holding my breath or being around people I hate, if I resist that event or situation then I will feel worse. Another example is how I have been resisting my injuries, notice that the resistance doesn´t really solve the problem. It is just focusing on the problem in a negative connotation which makes it that much harder to enjoy. Being open to feeling is to be vulnerable, and that feeling of vulnerability is hard to embrace, mainly because of childhood events which made you afraid of letting your guard down. I have lots of these experiences with friends and family, being vulnerable and being fucked over. And that´s not funny and feels very bad to do and if you didn´t have a perfect childhood then initially you will probably have problems opening up. For me I have tremendous problems opening up and being honest and vulnerable in a non biased way and in a way that is not to acquire status or prestige. It feels contra intuitive because your direct experience tells you not to do it. That it´s bad for you. But learning to be vulnerable is very important I think, and the outmost example of that is some of the people I have met that have been extraordinarily brave and vulnerable, and not in a way seeking something but just being that way for the sake of it. Because that is the way to go. This resistance to vulnerability will also cause suffering so be aware that there is resistance to vulnerability. Resistance resides in the body, contracting the muscles and therefore a person resisting something will be very tense in their entire body. It´s like when someone meets their shitty boss they hate and they feel the need to be very kind but really they are grinding their teeth and pressig their feet into the ground. Resistance must be likened to some sort of craving, craving that the circumstance is to be stopped. But negative craving or in otherwords craving that something disappears. I have always just gritted my teeth in everything I have done, and while it does get you some success I think it´s a recipe for disaster some years down the road. The way to go is the road of effortlessness, not resisting just accepting and relaxing through it being blissed throughout (or atleast content maybe is a better word). And this is probably the reason as to why my jaw is so fucking clenched all the time, I am resisting everything all the god damn time. That tug of war makes you tense and weak really. And I think I can honestly acknowledge that I have never been very good at expressing my emotions like other kids, always being unsure of what I thought and felt. Now that is perfectly fine, just acknowledging where I am still at. Resistance causes both emotional, physical and psychological pain. And some of the resistance originates from the belief that negative feelings are "bad" or negative in some way. This is only labels distancing you from your body and from fully feeling your emotions. The labels exist to make distance and to break any kind of identification (or rather feeling it as a part of my body), that´s what labels do, they make things easy to just pass by and ignore because the label gives a false sense to you that you know something about what you are thinking or talking about. This belief is just straight out wrong from my own experience, from my own experience I have been able to live through very strong negative emotions while in some weird way still feeling good about it, just because I actually felt into it. going to edit this in a couple of hours and finish

But be honest guys, is there anything you can say to help me, really? I am kind of realizing that I am lonely af, and I will need to kind of come up with the answers and the strength myself, as the answers I have gotten on this forum hasn´t really helped that much so far. And maybe I just need to stop to expect some dude or gal on the internet to be able to tell me what I need to do. I really don´t fucking know anything haha

@AuroraDream I really feel zeeeero pressure. All of the pressure in my life comes from me. The thing is I am fucking depressed, and my emotional quality is so low that doing anything is really hard, and I have always had a lot of insecurities and beliefs which have been really negative for me. The reason for this thread is that I am getting overwhelmed by all the things in the self help worlds and the lack of clarity. I don´t commit to anything fully, because when the chips are down I get hopeless and quit more or less. these are the things I am wanting to change, the pressure is only from me because I have always felt disgusted by the thought of living a mediocre life because of a lack of mastery. It fully originates from me, the problems for me is my emotions hindering me to do what I want to do and prevents me from seeing a purpose in life and I am trying to resolve this Might just be me that was a bit unclear in my posts, my brain is in a quite dense mental fog so... And I am NOT out for anything spiritual, I haven´t seen anything of life and the spiritual path will not be my focus for a long time, if ever

shadow work I am going to work through the feelings of anger and my easily irritative state towards my parents in particular, especially when they are making sounds or when I think they are acting foolishly or when I am feeling entitlement etc. AWARENESS what does this feeling look like? It looks like a spiky ball with its origin from right beneath my throat. It is going outwards and wants to move out of me, it is uncomfortable spikes trying to escape. It is creating a clog in my throat and chest area. It is concentrated on my throat and when I do small shifts in my mind I feel it changing, I can feel it going down my arms if I shift my mind a certain way which I can´t describe. where is this feeling? it is situated in a area. That area is my throat mainly, but it is also in my chest and it is in my heart. The feeling radiates out to many places, I get an uncomfortable tingly sensation in my arms and I feel pressure upon my chest and my throat constricting the airflow and making it really uncomfortable in my throat. It is in any area that I have injured, meaning it is also non specific and resides in areas of my body which I have been having pain in because of some training injury. It also feels in my upper back and almost feels like it is trying to get out and it is pushing outwards on my upper back. How does this feeling feel like in your body? It feels like pressure in the middle of my chest, like I had some very evenly distributed heavy objet on top of my chest. It radiates down my arms and makes them feel all tingly and almost a kind of nervous feeling down my arms. It is closing my throat and I feel that I can´t quite get the air I need, and I feel the constriction in my throat and the feeling of naseousness and like I just want to puke. It is my jaws clenshing and my tounge going up toward the roof of my mouth and making my mouth feel dry and it feels like I have eaten something sour almost, without the sourness and only the reaction in the mouth. It is the feeling of a clash in my head, it feels like my eyes are up my skull and intensely going from one side to another, weighing options. It is a rush of adrenaline which makes my whole body feel a bit tingly and a bit like I am having a fever. It is the feeling of my heart thumping very hard and frequent. It is the feeling after of pain in my heart, feeling almost like I am going to have an heart attack. It is the pinshing, stabbing pain on the left side of my chest right under my pectorial muscle and a bit down to the left. is it moving? No, it´s center is always at the same spot around my chest and throat, but the feeling of tinglyness radiates down my arms in waves and down my legs, and pressure radiates down my chest to my upper abdomen. what shape does it have? is doesn´t really have one shape, it is constantly transforming and being more present in different areas, it is flowing between. I can feel the shape but now describe it. how is the feeling moving? it is mainly moving with my consciousness. where I look I feel it. Where do you come from? I come from your deepest insecurities. I am a mosquito in your bedroom. I am for you unexplicable and hard to understand, in particular my logic. I am the hatred of yourself and how you are not wanting it to be this way. I am the will to change everything around, to force my will and keep going until I have achieved my goals. I come from a sense of scarcity and of a fear of loss. I come from a sense of sadness and fear of loss, from a place of not wanting to lose something and being afraid of not cherishing it while it lasts. I come from the fear and feeling of not doing enough, the frustrations of life just being flooded over me and drowning me, the dissapointments drowning me in their disgusting form. It comes from a fear, a fear of other people and their opinions and the collective. It is coming from feeling bad, from feeling like an asshole and feeling like the irritating person everyone hates and from the hardship of being singled out as the only one and as a special as they say but weird and bad person as they mean. I can feel your pain, and I relate to you deeply and I am here for you. When did I first feel you in my life? You first felt me when you felt that you weren´t loved, that you weren´t important nor special in the good sense of the word. You felt me when people started treating you funny. And when you felt that you were not that innocent and cute and perfect little kid anymore, when you felt that a shift is happening and that things are not going to be the same.I am thinking of when I was around 8 years old, when my sister came to this world and she took the highest priority and rank in my parents hearts. Feeling that feeling and feeling it being fueled on by them telling me to not be "envious" of the love that they gave her and the attention. Another is my interactions with both my cousins and my mother´s side of the family and how they made me feel bad about myself and make me insecure and feel generally just really bad. I can also think of my former school, where everyone was supposed to be tough and cool and I joined that and became a tough and cool guy by those standards. I left my old innocent me and started acting cool and tough and started to be mean and a jerk to show people who were still innocent that they are idiots and pussys. All of that jargon made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and made me feel disgusted in my own skin. That coupled with the very exciting but very destructive descovery of porn. I remember when I started to watch porn and jerk of and how it felt weird but good, to only feel very disgusting and made me feel like a horrible person and made me question myself just generally. Not liking myself. I was sitting in a little pocket between my door to my room and my closet and I watched, and I remember squeesing my legs til´ I got to almost an orgasm from squeesing. And then me started creeping with my phone into the bathroom and watching and jacking of to porn and thinking it was so good because it felt so different. To when whenever I needed a shower I needed to jack of. I stayed with once a day but still felt shame and guilt about it and a odd feeling which I can´t describe but me remembering how innocent I have been and then kind of feeling where I am today and feeling bad about that, hard to explain. In school I fought people whenever they did something which I didn´t like or if I was threatened by them. My brother´s friends always made me feel like the odd one and I tried to fit in but I just couldn´t and I felt bad about it and felt a tug of war between wanting to be mummys little boy as I had been and being a cool guy whom doesn´t care about anything. Can´t describe what feelings I got from these older kids, but they left me with a feeling of inadequacy. My cousins and my grandparents did the same thing, but they did it by always shaming me and pointing out everything they could to show me where I was wrong and made me feel that everything I did was wrong. And my parents, whom didn´t like my grandparents and eventually cut them off, they did the same thing — shaming me and telling me I am doing wrong all the time so I eventually don´t know what the fuck to do to get them satisfied because I wash my hands wrong, I speak wrong, I walk wrong, I am wrong and they called me names. In school they called me names for my anger and home aswell. I feel you, and I deeply empathize with you and I know you can feel it, because I feel it. What are you trying to protect me from? I am protecting you from the pain and suffering of being with people, of letting them be them and accepting them and allowing them. I am not letting this happen as this is NOT nice, I am helping you to completely control and rule other people so that you don´t need to change your mind. I am protecting you from the pain that you can not take, the pain of knowing people don´t like you. The pain that you are not living your life to the fullest and doing everything you can to live it to the max. I am masking this and protecting you from confronting this and letting your anger distract you instead so that becomes the main point of focus. I am protecting you from seeing the truth and from seeing what is actually here. Okay I understand. So why don´t you want to see the truth? because I am going to crumble, I am going to be overwhelmed by the rawness of the truth. I am afraid of this and I don´t feel like changing myself. I totally understand you and why seeing the truth can be tough at times and these feeling which you have. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT What would have made me not feel so bad about myself, what could have happened contrary to what happened? my parents reacting this way when I got angry: they had no negative reaction or attempt to defend their ego in any way, they just let me do my little play. And then this adult whom I feel very comfortable with was very patient, let me have my outburst, waited to the point until I couldn´t hold up the facade. I started crying. I told him everything and then he just let me do my thing and tell him what I wanted to tell him. Then he talked to me, being bvery present and doing what he could at the time and he knew exactly where I was wrong, and he taught me the most valuable life lesson imaginable and he made me resolve this problem by myself through the guidance of his words. He is the guy that I could always talk to about anything, anything that I felt insecure about or if I felt bad or if I had problems in my life. He always listende and we talked it out, and he let me be me, and he taught me how life is, how it works. He showed me the path. Also, someone could have given me the lessons needed to live, what works and what doesn´t, what is what and giving me lessons about life and giving me guidance in my path in life. I am loving you, my inner child. I am giving you my love. I am giving you my patience whenever you are angry, and I am sticking with you until you calm down. I let you do this because I love you, I tell this to you and you know I mean it, you can see it and you can feel it. I am giving you a upbringing of high self esteem and self worth and self love. And I am guiding you through all of the paradoxes in life and all the counter intuitiveness that is occuring in life and I am being a pillar to you. I am your friend, and you know you can call any time and just be with me and I am very supportive of you, because you are perfect as the person you are. I make sure that you feel good about yourself, that you don´t really care about what others do and that you don´t feel the need and craving to do somthing about other people, because just as I am loving, accepting and allowing you you are allowing others. I am giving you space when you need to and I am being rough with you when you need it. I am your best friend and I am always with you and I am always looking out for you and making your life the best one. I am helping you figure out something you want to do and some meaning and purpose in life, and I am helping you with all of your mental problems and pitfalls. I am your best friend and teacher. INTEGRATION Thank you for protecting me fro this long, I assume it has been quite an hassle but now I am growing up. I am maturing and I can handle this on my own, I now can deal with these things which you have protected me from and I have all the resources needed. I am thanking you again, and sending you my love because you really do deserve it. You can now be at ease, you can rest and let go. Just allow yourself to not be caught up in this anymore because I am assuring you that you do not need to protect me anymore, you have done what you needed and for that I am thankful. And now you can be free. It´s okay to let go, even if it´s hard. I know you have been struggling for a long time to protect me, and now it is time for you to go to your well deserved rest. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And I love you no matter what, literally and you know that because you can, as I can, feel that inside of you. I love you, and if you were ever to have anything you want to talk about I am right here, I am ready for you, always. And remember, no matter how you feel or what you do or say, I am still going to love, accept and allow you to be you. Because you are perfect as you, thank you. and I am always here for you

Thank you. I can´t for the love of my life see and feel inspiration towards something, so "create a vision" is completely impossible, it seems atleast. What I am mostly dealing with is strong and deep feelings of negativity and hopelessness. Have you tried the sedona method? That´s what I have been trying also to let go of these emotions but I can´t seem to do that. My emotions kind of make me submissive to them and crumble in any good intentions I had from the beginning. I think that I am depressed although I am not certain if it´s that certain label, well I feel very down. "mood follows action"- I do agree with this a lot but I can´t take any action since I do not know what I want

@Matthew85 mainly just focusing on my breath. But when I am doing my meditation now it goes by so fast, 30 min feels like 5, but I am not aware of my breath almost any time. It is almost like I am sleeping through the whole meditation. Do you do the mindfulness very rigourosly or more loosely? I have been not so strict and have been letting my mind wander because that has felt good. What is cognitive training?

@Matthew85My mind has been crazy for the last year or so. I have done 30 min meditation pretty consistently for 7 months or so, have skipped quite a lot of days in the last weeks or 2 months. Haven´t felt that much from meditation, but I have come over that initial feeling as a beginner that "I am doing it wrong" and I am more accepting and allowing of my mind to veer of. Now I am starting to do the meditation on my busride to school and home so that I have more time to do shadow work once i get home, since shadow work is something I have tried for the last month or so (but I am not doing it anyways).

that I feel no purpose, meaning nor positivity. I got my purpose in life taken away from me kind of. don´t know if that´s what you meant but with the process of shadow work I don´t have much frustration, just haven´t done it much. I also feel this overwhelmed feeling and I don´t know where to begin to heal, usually I start with things like these and then just stop because of something, ego backlash or whatever just very negative feelings overrall.

wow! that´s great! how much have you done this work? and have you mainly used the guide you sent me? What you told me is what I have been thinking, however I have had some difficulties being consistent but now I feel so much inspiration!

thank you dude, really appreciate it. What has been your experience with shadow work? I have a sense that you have been doing this for a while. for me I haven´t sensed much since I haven´t done it for that long nor many sessions, but I have some sense of what it might bring in the future.

any suggestions on online therapy?

the loving kindness meditation I can do, but the IFS would need to be online. Any suggestions? How do I find a real healer?m

Shadow work I am going to focus on my mum. 3 she is very nice sometimes she puts up a very noticeable facade, I notice it very clearly she is very unconscious of the damage she is doing she is very hard to love she is always trying to shame me and make me feel like I am inferior and bad fundamentally as a human being she is doing this while also putting up other mechanisms to not make it so obvious. Like she says "but you know I would do anything for you", but she won´t stop tormenting me with her words! as on example She is very rough in her language and doesn´t care much about how I interpret what she says she is very insecure and covers it up with a super friendly facade towards strangers she is very lazy and is stuck in a loop of negativity, stuck in social media and tv and stuck in her job that she hates she doesn´t feel good I think, she covers it up for everyone, herself and others to show that she is indeed feeling well. she is very unhealthy and she has lots of ailments and medical problems she wants to always be in authority over me and dominate me so when I am stepping over that she becomes a very bad person she is stuck in very toxic beliefs and thought patterns and she doesn´t like them to be challenged she is trying to improve, she is reading self help books and trying mostly to lose weight, but she has not accomplished anything since I can remember in my 17 years on this earth she is a very sad person, isolated from the world and really only doing the neccesary work to feed the family, but doesn´t do anything for fun except for her phone. And she is very "that is uncomfortable" and she thinks everything is such an hassle she is using ways of making me feel bad while not making it apparent to others that she is being a bitch. Like she is always "oh, am I doing something wrong now?" and playing the victim and trying to make me feel bad. She is also very opportunistic so to speak, what I mean is that when we argue she always brings up everything that she has paid for to try and invalidate me and again trying to be authoritarian. But I on the other hand am saying "please don´t pay anything if you are going to use it against me in the future" and she says it´s fine, but then she pulls the "you´re so spoiled, look at everything I have bought for you!", while I actually tell her "don´t buy stuff, I don´t want them for one and I feel bad for not using them as a second". whenever I have tried to do "serious talk" with her, she is always trying to laugh it away. I can sense she is uncomfortable and wants to laugh it away so we can change the topic, and whenever I try to talk with her I leave very unsatisfied and sad. She is not a good person to talk to, she is toxic af. And it makes it worse because she says "if you want to talk I am here" because that´s what she thinks she needs to say, but when it comes down to it she isn´t there to talk, but she doesn´t see that. She is trying to make me feel bad as I said in many different ways. It is hard to describe what she does. She is making me feel very uncomfortable in her presence. I feel like I am with an stranger I am a bit afraid of when I am with her. I don´t like it. She is very condemning for small things. Like if I am on the toilet for too long she´ll shame me like I fucked our dog. If I am being myself she will condemn me and tell me to just shut up. She doesn´t like when I am expressive. She wants me to shut the fuck up. All of my conversations with her are incredibly unsatisfying. It is night and day comparing to how it feels to talk to guys in school or just even a teacher in school, and talking to her. I just always feel bad around her. She has a really bad aura. I geuninely don´t like her. She is just a neccesety for my life, not something I am actively choosing. She is very on and off. Sometimes she is very motivated to do things, but most of the time she is just a demotivated, depressed slug. She is very easy to agitate, she gets offended really easily and often destroys the mood when she gets angry over that others are angry while we are just discussing something like healthy adults. She is very childish and immature, actually when she thinks I am doing something wrong she calls for my father to "help her" because she can´t say it herself. She is like a fucking child in every way. And in responsibility too, my father busts his ass, while she sits on her ass. She has explicitly told me that I will not achieve anything, that I am a bad person that I am and idiot and the list goes on. She has lost her temper and kicked me too. Not something traumatic cuz she is weak af but still. she always asks me when I have worked out or whatever "did it feel good?", and if she is not doing it to try and irritate she is oing it because she kind of feels like she wants to do it but feels a deep feeling of inadequaessy and that she could never amount to anything. sad she is not very much up to socialize with others, she does at times but for some reason she doesn´t very often. Probably because her view is that as an adult you don´t do that. she seems to like to demonize me for everything she instilled in me the mindset that shit food and tv is the enjoyment and the best of life, and she does certainly enjoy it herself! she was verbally abused by her parents a lot and now tells herself that she doesn´t but her self deceptions make her think this way but she doesn´t act accordingly. she is still verbally abusive while maybe not as much as her parents, not as explicit atleast. She is not someone I look forward to seeing, I feel uncomfortable expressing myself and being myself around her she is really sad, she sometimes acknowledges her faults but then falls into the trap again of thinking that she is perfect like a fucking saint.

Okay, so I just realized. I have done my training fundamentally wrong. Pretty obvious and I should have asked my coach long time ago but here I am. Good that I realized it though! because now I can do it right! It is the visualization of the grape, and I didn´t do that before I was just tensing my feet so I will need to do some remodeling of my use of my mind. I just ordered new lions mane, hopefully this will actually work as the other brand didn´t, because I need that extra help with cognition. My brain needs it and it would be so helpful to all of my activities so hopefully it will work great. Feeling better and better I think. Goes up and down but I think the main trend is up, but it will probably go even more up now since I am going to do the training in a more correct way, what if this is the reason why I didn´t have the amount of results everyone else has had? well, now I´ll find out.

going to add "contemplating and reading on the bus". Because meditating on the bus isn´t working. And I think I need to do some real contemplation on stuff I learn. So the focus will be on contemplating and self deriving the answers and making them my own aswell, atleast the good parts. Going to only focus on the inner game and the emotions adn thoughts etc. and going to read it on the computer

so what the fuck do I want in my life? I can´t waste time on dabbling not having clarity in any sense. And I have done this kind of vision thing so many times and it has never stuck. Now it will, why? because I choose to, that´s fucking why. so what do I want? I want to feel fucking good, I don´t want to suffer like this. I want to be able to speak to people. Connect. I want to be able to move properly, not hurt all the time I want to have meaning in my life, a purpose And more than that I don´t fucking know! that´s all I know! I just want to feel good! That´s all, I don´t want anything else than to feel good. I am sick of this. What I want to come away from is: the awful feelings I have towards and around my parents the total lack of ambition and vitality in my life my poor health the complete meaninglessness and hopelessness the constant anxiety and stress I feel from everything I am weak. Have never been weaker before. physically, mentally, emotionally, in my character. I don´t know what the fuck to do. The feeling that my life is useless, in the sense that I hate my life okay, wait. So how would my life look in 3-5 years time if I kept this up? I would be around 23, so I would be at my prime really. And if I kept this up I would be highly suicidal, I would be constantly seeking for external pleasures, I would live at home, no ambitions no goals no life no friends no meaning no purpose no personality no emotions no nothing nothing like I had envisioned my life to be. Just hanging around at my computer not doing anything meaningful. Having taken a fucking stupid exam and not doing anything after, maybe an alcoholic or drug addict. I would hate myself, the world and everything else there is in my experience. I would be anxious and stressed out for nothing and not feel like doing anything, being an incell or whatever its called. just a fucking twat, jerking off to fucking whores. pissing my life away in the drain. Not even seeing the fucking immensity of life, not appreciating or experiencing any of it. Just being a fucking twat. good life eh? Being resentful and bitter. I feel that I can´t even feel into this as my ego doesn´t want to. But this is what is awaiting, if I do not get my act together. I will kill someone, then kill myself. I will be the baddest on the planet. I will be as those poor french guys in the book I read. A fucking twat. A twat that has tried again and again in the same fucking way to change but realizes "fuck this doesn+´t work" when he´s fucking 50 and too old to do shit with his life. I am in a limbo, my situation is pretty neat and good, but my life sucks. My family has the money but that is just a big fucking disadvantage. Or so I want to think. We don´t even have that much money to speak of. I will be living of of my fucking aging parents. I will move out after my sister has. I maybe will never do that. How do you say, should we fuck around till my parents are dead and then just take our fucking miserable lives? that sounds like a fucked up life but that is really what I am doing in terms of actions and intentions. What the fuck am I doing? I am fucking stuck in reactive mode so long after bad shit happened. Why don´t I just see that I can do something about myself? I can do whatever the fuck I want, right? haven´t I done it in the past? can´t I achieve? well, no and yes. But this is where the doubt comes in and do you know what? blow my ass. I don´t care about fucking doubt. I´ll just fucking see it done. I am not in it for this ride, some part of me wants to, but not my entire me. I have fear that I will take a misstep right now, and that might just be so, but who cares? not me. I am in it for the suffering. I am going to suffer, and I will embrace it. Ain´t I embracing it? well, yes, but not fucking enough! I need to fucking suffer more! Then I will be free. It is not that I will try to suffer for the sake of it, but I need to embrace it as I don´t see any other way out than to suffer. Everything is fucked, and so it will have to feel fucked also. It can´t just begin to feel amazing because I "found it". Fuck no. Haha, I will look back on this in a year and be grateful. So why the fuck aren´t I acting and doing the stuff I know I need to do? because I am not feeling well. Okay, sooo? yeah, that makes all my attempts of getting better dull and fucking pathetic. Okay, sooo? so I don´t do anything. And that´s better? no. Need to do it fucking in a better way. What can I do? well is it what I can do or is it what do I want to do? what do I want to do? I want to feel better as I said. I want to be healthy in my body. I want to be better at socializing. I want to find meaning. How can I do this? My list of activities right now are enough for me to start this process. What I need to do is to continue and do them but do them more intentionally and seriously. Contemplating these practices, contemplating what is happening and what to do next, contemplating all the surrounding information of these practices. It is not complicated, it is simple. But my brother, don´t think for a moment that it will be easy, it will be hard as fuck. And you will want to quit so badly over and over again but not this time. "this time we fight!". And perseverance. that´s what it will take. I know I can persevere sometimes, and this time I will use that inner strength to pull through to the other side. I am afraid of fucking up and ending up broken and tired and resentful, but that is a risk I will take. The cost of inactivity is far greater than the cost of great activity and a possibility of great failure. This takes courage, to come from my situation and circumstance to take this leap of faith and trust and trust that if conscious and consistent and disciplined action is taken, that I will be rewarded. To muster the energy and inner strength for one last stance against my circumstance, and actually winning. This is where my winning mindset can come in, depending on if I am wanting to win or not. If I want to win and DECIDE to win, then I will. If I doubt even once whether I want to or not, then all is lost. Am I ready to sacrifice to win this battle? Am I ready to face the emotions and challenges that I have been too afraid to look at until now? I will have to do this sometime in my life, to take responsibility and to take action and do the work with actual good intent and not just doing it for the sake of it which has been the case for me. Am I willing to take the pain? AM I? Yes, feeling the surge of adrenaline. Fuck it, I will feed of of this adrenaline. It is fucking unhealthy but I need something to get me forward. And I have used this adrenaline before, and there in 2017 how did it go? It fucking went great didn´t it? so let´s fucking do it again and then transcend it! But I am using the adrenaline. And yes, it will take music and some dumb amping up. I don´t care. If that is what it takes, then I don´t care. Can I do this calmly? no, doing this work calmly is a result of doing this nasty, shitty work first feeding of of adrenaline and the masculine energy inside of me. I can take this energy and convert it into raw fucking power and it will let me destruct every obstacle in my way. I need to use grit and brute strength, no sassy shit here, can´t do it. Don´t know how and will have to develop myself more to do that. I am the fighter. I am going to fight my way into the position where I am a creator, until then I am going to fight. How else will I do this? The amount of school, reading, meditation, contemplation and exercisisng and sheer change of my life will require this. And this will be my mindset coming onwards. I am embracing pain, that is the mindset. I know I can because now I have changed my mind. My mind remembers. And along the way I can change into a more healthy mindset, but this is all that I know. So now I know what I need to do, it will require embracing pain and doing all of the above things I talked about.

but maybe it´s just better to go to someone "good". @catcat69123 what´s your opinion on this? how could I find a good healer? it´s going to have to be online because of the lack of people where I live

@ZenSwift I guess the effectiveness also depends on the person I am seeing.. How can I judge whether it is working for me? Like is there some signs or maybe after a certain period of time I can judge that maybe it isn´t going to work later either. Because I haven´t gone to any psychologists in the past so I am completely new to this.

So instead of CBT what would you think that I should do? because this cbt is offered to me for free, and I live in a quite isolated place so there isn´t much else around here. Btw, I think I will try cbt and see how it works. If it were to just make the symptoms of my depression (I guess I can call it that) I would be far better of because then I would be able to be more functional and maybe solve this deeply then, but maybe this is just flawed thinking? I have been stuck like this for a while and I think I need some guidance so reading a book and trying to apply that would not work, and would just make me feel worse about myself.

that was weird. Cried like 6 times during that. Some yawning aswell. Felt pretty connected to my body and it felt overral pretty good to do it. My mom sure loves to make me feel bad. She shames me for EVERYTHING. And she is not even aware of it, she is growing, alongside my father, to be my inspiration for this work to be a better human being because I do NOT want to be like them. They are pushing me forward. Pretty good day today, missed out on a lot of things I was supposed to do and was pretty tired but did the important things. Shouldn´t push myself to do journaling because then it gets bad. What I need to do is to get good sleep and rest so I can do the journaling more extensively. My development to get out of my situation will be immense, I am ready for it, I am growing more and more ready for it. Did shamanic breathing today. Always feel small bursts of panic after the braething but just remaining cakm and it disappears and I am just calm after, stayed laying down just feeling blessed 30 minutes after I was done, felt great. I am amping up the training. So I will probably not be able to socialize much in the coming few weeks, I am way too anxious and stressed out to do that. But I am working on it, and I will work work work this whole year and it will pay off. The training is going to pay off as I am amping up the rolling so I will get rid of my adhesions and therefore my knees and achilleses will stop hurting altogether in a couple of weeks. In 3 weeks I don´t want to feel anything in my knees or achilles. that´s my goal. Had a conversation with my parents about health today, they got mad and said I was mad and said I was stupid etc. Really no idea to resonate, not even calmly because they are completely gone. remarkable how an adult can be and adult and still eb so gone. Still, motivation to do the work and maybe even inspire some change in them through showing what is possible, even though I am sure they will not do anything but it is worth a try. Tomorrow I will try and journal a lot more as that is really important now aswell as mediation, will do 2.5 hours of meditation tomorrow fucking up my sleep schedule just a tiny bit this weekend, but can´t keep up with it because of tiredness and stuff, but that is only an excuce for the past, in the future I will try and get my sleep better so I don´t need to deal with this shit. Will try to tape my mouth to get better sleep because according to some it is really good. So goodnight