Yoremo

Feeling amazing to finally start getting back into a good sleep routine and general work routine. I slept 3 hours today because I couldn´t sleep, but that was expected because I´ve been up to 3-4am the last few days and then I know I won´t be able to sleep earlier than that. But nonetheless I feel good. I do feel that I should quit drinking coffee though, I really don´t feel very good drinking that shit, but it tastes so good, I don´t think I´m addicted to the substance I´m just addicted to the taste. Maybe I should try and quit, but at the same time I have more important stuff to focus on and I don´t feel comfortable in my knowledge about addictions to quit in a smart way. So I´m back to school, feels better than being at home but I do feel insecure as fuck all the time, can´t even walk around other people without feeling inferior and feeling like I have eyes on me. I think that this is definitely because my life is so without purpose now and I lack self respect and self esteem so I feel so vulnerable right now. I don´t know how to handle my classmates either, like should I hang out with them and kind of go along with the bullshit they pull or should I just do what feels right? They´re always just talking shit, and they´re so fucking "smart" so it´s fucking embarrasing, I don´t even know to who. And everyone is so fucking dependent on each others company and I can see that everybosy else is feeling the same feeling, although all may not be conscious of it. I don´t get how I can be so fake, but I guess I don´t need to be, I can just be myself and try and find good people, otherwise I´ll just have to be superconscious of my thought process or else I will get so tired of them, I have to forget the bullshit and be the best me either way. But it´s so hard when I don´t have a foundation of a purpose or goal. Although I do have a goal: to install good habits and find/create my life purpose. And while it may seem so hopeless right now I can get out of this rut, and I feel that I can come out of the complete lack of routine and discipline, but the big thing is whether I can come out of my emotional rut, which is most definitely based on the meaningless I feel in life. How I´ll resolve that I´m not quite sure, but I´m going to try my absolute best because I know that there is a much more appealing reality waiting for me. I´ll try and first and foremost achieve clarity to be able to do anything, other than that it´s just learning which is going to get me out. But I do need to develop a better system for learning, I feel that some advice is mostly directed to mental habits and I just find it really difficult to develop those habits. And I have of course also not been aware enough in the past so I´ve not even installed those practical habits that are more concrete, but through holding myself accountable here I should be better off than before. I really don´t know how I should be able to look out for other passions, in my search for my life purpose, maybe I should buy Leo´s life purpose course? I don´t know though because I have just spent a lot of money on getting my body fixed and I will probably have to spend more money too on that. I really don´t know how I´m supposed to pull through, I´m going to see some psychologist (i think that´s what it is called) and maybe I can get some guidance there. But last time it was so lame, the woman I was talking to was just saying all the time that "you think so well, you´re so aware", yeah, I fucking know I´m pretty self aware but I´m lost so help me! Well, I feel good, life´s good and I´m glad that I´m not sick much anymore, although I need to get myself to not get sick so much more because it´s not helpful. But I look forward to this week and the next few weeks, I feel that I have something going on, maybe it will not show until months or years, but I do feel that I´m on the right path.

I get your perspective fully. The thing is that I might have found the reason as to why I have been injured, so I´m going to look into it further if I have enough time later on to pursue football or if it is too late. But I do get that I´m a bit stuck in football and right now it´s not really serving me (I feel so bad about this situation) but I have tried to test out new things but I´m too stuck in football, I guess I just need to try harder. I´ll talk to the guy that´s helping me with my injuries and see his perspective on it (I want to be pain-free in my body either way I´m pursuing football or not) and maybe he´ll say that he thinks it´s too late too or not, but yeah maybe it´s not so smart to drop out of college but I will stay very open to quit if I see that I can pursue something else fully (which is why I haven´t quit yet because what should I do?- just contemplate my situation and pity myself would be the case then). The thing with college is that it encourages mediocrity, it´s no pursuit of anything, it´s just a stupid aqcuiring of grades. (I am conscious though that this is just a perspective and that I could be passionate about school and that it can be about learning and stuff but then I have to get a good reason as to why I´m doing it. I have no reason to go to school as it is right now).

@silene In the past I´ve been doing visualization, never did it for a long time because I was unsure if I did it right and just forgot about it, I´ve been doing goalsetting but always stopped doing it (like miss once and then forget about it), I´m meditating right now and have been doing for the last like 7 months and this is actually something I feel that I will continue with, I´ve also done a lot of affirmations but I think I did them really wrong and it took so much time the way I did it that it wasn´t worth it, I´ve also written journals with mainly me writing about stuff I was grateful for and etc. but it always felt like after a while I got into a routine and the journaling didn´t really work. Other than that I have read and watched and listened to a lot of material but for the longest time I was very delusional about it and thought it was somehow going to develop me if I just consumed that content. I feel that these things probably do work but I haven´t been able to find a good enough way to do it. And I just don´t know how to get to the actual working versions of these, because with meditation for example I feel that I know enough about it to make a good practice out of it so that it actually pays of, but the rest I just get stuck on bad advice and information on the internet + that I sometimes don´t do it in a conscious way (knowing why I´m doing it, seeing it in my actual life) but I feel as though I´m better to know why I´m doing something now. Yeah, if 17 is young I´m young. It´s just I don´t want to waste my life and I do really contemplate leaving school now, because I´m studying natural science and it really sucks, mostly because of the judgmental, negative people there but also because I don´t see any meaning in what I´m doing. Yes, I will have an open mind as to what I´m going to do in the future and it would be a lot easier if it wasn´t football but I´ll see. But I can´t help but feel a bit panicky about it because I don´t want to follow the path that I´m on, but if I´m going to leave it I kind of have to have a real good vision and drive to make it out of it. Me being at school is getting more and more difficult, I am starting to skip classes now which I have never been able to do in the past but school just makes me feel so bad, especially that it´s so slow paced and I could have done the work we do in a week in 8 hours max, I also think that I´m getting depressed by this because school feels so meaningless but I still do go and that makes me so sad.

@silene Ok, so I think I´ve gotten my problems down to two. 1: I don´t seem to get any results with any self-help. I do have motivation to do this, and I do this, but I just haven´t gotten much results. What I´ve realized so far is that I don´t have enough focus and patience to stick with one thing for long enough. But I haven´t solved any of those problems so advice would be really appreciated. Can I develop myself even though I don´t have a clear life purpose? I suppose that it´s harder but I have to be able to do it, I think I´m just doing it in a bad way. 2: I don´t have meaning in my life. I feel that school is meaningless beyond measure (atleast what I´m doing right now) and I´m not really consistently excited for the future and what is coming. I can only seem to keep up this for a day or two. So really I don´t have a clear life purpose, and I don´t really know how I´m supposed to find it. Other than that I would deem my other problems as a result of these two.

Yes, you´re right, I do have a lot of ambition and motivation to do stuff in my life (like everybody I guess). And yeah, I think I agree with you, I think the thing is that I can´t seem to find a way to channel my energy in an productive way into something I´m passionate about. But I don´t know if that´s pessimistic though, I think it´s just me not knowing how to find my "own wholesome passion". It´s like I can´t get that deep emotional connection to anything. But yeah, I´m trading a rich, passionate life for youtube videos but as I said I can´t get any traction with my ideas for passion. My only real passion until this day has been playing football, but I can´t play or train or anything because I´ve been injured like 95 % of the time. So I´ve been doing self-help in the meantime of me healing my body (the injuries has been ongoing for like 3 years) but the things I have done in self help hasn´t done anything for me so that´s why I feel hopeless, because not only can I not play football and express myself, but I can´t even seem to get better mentally until I´m back. So it´s like either I´m "stuck" in this impossible passion of football and I need to change (but I do not want to) or I´ll have to kind of wait until my body is healed enough for me to pursue my passion again. I´ve chosen the latter and I´ve been doing self development, but after 3 years of not really doing my passion I don´t feel so passionate anymore in day to day life because I feel that I´m not closing in on my goals in football (I have played during these 3 years and when I did I felt passionate but it´s been so rare that my day to day life has been really pale because it´s been separated from my passion and mostly spent on school and self development mentally which hasn´t worked) So youtube has become an escape to mental fog where I´m not conscious and I don´t need to face anything anymore. I don´t even enjoy what I´m watching and when I´m aware of what I´m watching I can see how stupid it is. And I do this because it feels just like a waiting game until I can play again, it doesn´t feel like I´m in a position to do anything. But even before my injuries I still didn´t have that real sense of passion of football, it felt like it was on the way but it wasn´t like I thought about football all day long or anything, and maybe it is I need to change passion, I don´t know if football is right or wrong, all I know is that I´ve never felt a strong feeling of passion- maybe that implies that football is not a good passion for me but I´ve not felt that for something else so maybe it´s just that I need to build it up.

Yeah, I get the boredom thing, I can be purely bored but when I get pessimistic about it I can´t stand it. But how do I stop being so pessimistic about stuff? I feel like when I get into that pessimistic state I´m stuck in it.

@NahmOkay, I think I get it. So it´s me associating my boredom with something negative that´s making the habit? Or is it just a more general negative, pessimistic self-talk? because I know I have really negative self-talk. So how would you go about changing this?

@NahmOkay, how do I stop refusing boredom then?

Sometimes I start watching because I don´t have anything to do, like I have to wait for something and then I just watch a short video. I think that I can see the theme that when things are going wrong, or I´m feeling hopeless about my situation (and it feels like it won´t change). I am not very aware of my thoughts during these moments but the feelings are either because of the two above or because I feel lonely or sad about my life or anxious about some event that will happen in the future (like an "important" meeting). But usually because of the first two. I don´t know if that answered your question but what I wrote is what I´m aware of at the moment.

As I wrote I have problems with sticking to something, but I also do believe that I don´t have a good vision of my future because otherwise I believe that I should have more emotional leverage and more focus, would that be accurate or is it something else?, and if it´s accurate how do I go about starting to find my life purpose? /ignite my passion for soccer?

@Nahmokay, I think that I can´t deal with confusion very well and I believe that that isn´t very good. But I´ll definitely sleep on it, I so feel that I need to be in control and understand but I´ll try to let it go.

@Consilience I have a question, is that book a book more pointed towards enlightenment seeking people or not? And another question, I am a bit confused (I haven´t really studied enlightenment so I don´t really know what it i, not even conceptually), is self development and enlightenment separated completely or does it have some overlap? Because I just want to know that if some enlightenment stuff could be beneficial to my success in my life even though enlightenment is not something I´m pursuing now? (so that I don´t dismiss enlightenment stuff because I´m not into that now so that I´m also missing out on self development which is my focus)

so should I just go on my feelings? Like if I´m feeling that I´m kind of stuck in one technique and I feel like I want to do another technique is that the time to switch? if you´re meaning that I should use my intuition like @Consiliencesaid it might be that I´m not very sure about what intuition is exactly.

@gettoefl Can you elaborate on what you´re talking about? I think that I need more structure, atleast now, for me to be able to do meditation at all. @Consilience Okay, so I kind of flow in between meditation techniques that I feel for? There must be more benefits to sticking to one technique for a longer time sometimes, but maybe that happens naturally when I´m following my intuition? I haven´t looked in to meditation retreats much but would that be worth it even though I´m not into enlightenment (I´m mostly into self help right now because I need to fix my life)?

Okay, so I went through the list and I chose the awareness of thought. So I do that practice for a while, maybe a couple of weeks, and then go back to my initial practice of mindfulness meditation focusing on my breath. I´ll try it out, but what should I do then? should I continue doing cycles of different meditation techniques after that or should I focus on one later on? Maybe it doesn´t matter much what I chose?

It´s the same for me. Although I can get them to buy more healthy foods but it´s not really worth trying to change what meals they cook. I think that you should try and do what you can (eat healthy when you have the choice to do so, buy healthy food if you can afford it and cook it if you have time) but other than that I think it´s more productive to focus on other things because I´ve tried to change my parents in a destructive way and it´s really not worth trying to change people that you can´t change, by that point it was just my outlet for frustration and I think that just messes you up even more than unhealthy eating will.

@flowboyI feel a strong urge to do something to alleviate that feeling I get when I sit still, and my mind races and I go down really negative thought patterns, and I get stuck in those negative spirals of thought until I do something and then I feel relieved.

Okay, posting this publicly made me very aware of my situation. And I realized that I´ve just uncounsciously jumped from theory to theory in my past attempts on development. So my thought was that my outmost problem is that I need to embody everything that I learn and focus, really focus on one thing at a time to install great physical and mental habits and through that really learn. Is that a good idea? So would a process of that be like: 1:st read/listen/watch, take notes and reflect on how I could use this in my daily life. 2:nd install the corresponding habit and make it very small and manageable 3:rd once the habit begins to feel engrained, amp up the intensity/volume depending on what it is 4:th reevaluate if the habit seems valuable to me and adjusting wether I should stick with the habit or change it or let it go (after a couple of months of trying) 5:th doing the same process for some other information I have in accordance to my goals. Would this be a good strategy or would you change it in any way? And if I do this strategy there´s gonna be a lot of time spent on testing the habit out and in the beginning months now I´ll have a lot of spare time so what do you think would be a good spending of my time? should I search out more theory, take notes and kind of store them until the future? should I maybe meditate, visualize or what do you think? Because I also feel that my vision is kind of blurry too, I don´t feel so connected to it so maybe I should work on that or something? And I feel like dropping out of college is better than staying because right now I´m just staying because I´m afraid to leave that sense of security and to go out in the world, but I feel like quiting college is much better than staying there but I´m open to hear your opinion if you think you have a better idea