CodyXarex

Thanks

I'm stuck at a job that I hate, with family that I hate, in a state that I hate, and I'm fed up with it, but my job gives me the option of working any day of the week, up to 16 hours a day. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to work 16 hours a day, every day, and I'm only going to take 2-4 days off a month. Hopefully this will lead to me making between $8,000 - $10,000 a month. I intend to do this until the end of the year, then I'm taking whatever money I made, and I'm leaving the US and never talking to these people again. I'm most likely going to start to be an asshole to people. My family and some of the people I work with might not like me by the end of it. Fuck 'em. Any tips for taking care of my mental and physical health and making the most out of this? I know cutting out bad food (or eating), YouTube, and porn are at the top of that list.

[Removed for privacy]

A family member that I'm reconnecting with helped me get a government job that I never thought I'd work, helped me (and kind of pressured me to) get a car that serves me well but isn't what I need for my lifestyle, hobbies, and pursuits (but is still a good vehicle), I'm living in a place that I hate, and I'm trying to decide whether to live with my father and use all the money I'm making to put a small home or RV on my father's property, which could take awhile and still might involve family issues, or rent an apartment, which would be throwing away money, but would give me the space I need to be alone, break old toxic habits, challenge old toxic beliefs that I picked up from my father (like NEEDING to move abroad), and break my codependency with him. My main concern with renting an apartment so soon is that, if this job doesn't work out, or I decide that after working it for six months that I want to move and take another job, then I'll have a lot less money to work with (unless I work a lot of extra overtime), and I'll have to break the lease and go through a lot of extra trouble that could just make things harder for me in the future. I've accepted that this year is just going to suck, and that part of it sucking is having to live with and deal with family members and issues that I'd rather not, but may get better if I give them attention, and with time. It might be the case that I have to spend a year or more at this job, or that I may WANT to stay in the South or strike some balance between my family, and the life I want here. but I don't know any of that yet. What I DO know, is that I'm going to be 30 in three years. 6-12 months is a long time to spend in a place I don't like and that makes me feel lonely, just to try and make my family happy, considering I'm going to be 30 so soon, and that there are several other places I could live and would prefer to live than here. Yeah life in the US is getting way more expensive, but I wonder what other possibilities are there? Living on the border? Living out of an RV or camper? Moving abroad, which is tricky because it's something that I really like the idea of, but my father talks to me and pressures me about it so much I can't tell if it's really what I want or what HE wants. I still feel as if the US has a lot more to offer but I don't know how to see it all. However I shouldn't discount my job and the benefits and options it gives me, and I believe it is best for me to operate within that framework at least until I create other means of making a living. I think living 6-12 hours away from family or a 2-4 hour flight away is plenty of time if I have a job that gives 3-day weekends, but if my family could have it their way, I'd just live 30 minutes away. The only thing that comforts me about these decisions is that, I think the only things in my life that might be my life purpose, the only things I feel I would regret NOT doing on my deathbed, is writing stories and creating music. And I can do that while living out of a car if I had to. All I need is an instrument, and a computer, and access to a recording studio when it comes time to record the songs. So I feel like I have a little more room for error in terms of life and lifestyle choices than someone who say, wants to become a scientist, or start a million-dollar business, or become a Navy SEAL. But maybe that room for error is an illusion. I just wish I knew why am I so afraid of disappointing or leaving my family behind. It seems like every time I try to leave them I end up right back to them, and every time I try to do what I think would make them more happy, I end up making myself miserable. I wrote a lot more about this but I'm condensing it all down to 3-6 brief paragraphs as much as possible.

This is probably not a very new or enlightened question, and I am not sure if I can articulate it like how it came up in my mind, but I got to thinking: Today I was trying my best to feel grateful and calm, but I got a bad case of road rage that got so bad that I had to pull over and break a few of my things and bloddy my knuckles before calming down. I remember cursing society, cursing humanity, and swearing bloody vengeance. Then right after that, I met some incredibly, seemingly decent people who really helped me with something that I was struggling with, and it made me feel grateful for being alive and actually desire to support and better society to keep it safe and civilized for people like that, and feel guilty for my omnicidal thoughts. Then I told a white lie almost automatically to try and avoid having to pay a fine, but felt immensely guilty and wretched for it. Then a little voice somewhat referring back to Alan Watts saying something about everyone being a bit of a rascal, and it made me think, "Why do I feel guilty for having bad moments of being a bad person when everyone else is the same way? Why do I ask God for forgiveness if He already knows my true nature and if He designed me and other people that way?" Then I asked, "Why did God make human beings devils? Or are we just calling ourselves devils because we don't live up to some ideal of God in our mind?" "Where does the ideal come from?" "Most humans beings are fully capable of and often are amazing people in one moment, and an absolute wretch in another. Why can't I accept that and reconcile the two in my mind?" "Why is it insufficient to just be one or the other, and why does that bug me?"

Everyone says I need to be myself. What if the real me is a hateful, angry, vengeful, anti-social, asexual, highly religious piece of shit?

I want to forget about myself and who I think I am. I want to forget about who I am, forget who I think I should be, forget my desires, forget the outcome, exterminate everything that distracts me from getting to know me in reality, excommunicate with everyone who reminds me of who I am or who I was, stop using the internet, stop using drugs, stop using pornography, stop talking to people, stop talking to myself, stop doing everything and just live life. Even if it’s lonely, painful, and boring. Because no matter where I go, there I am. And so as long as I am mediocre, my life will be mediocre. And no friends or game-playing is going to change that.

Jesus how horrifying. Do what flowboy suggested and if they don't get the hint and move in knee them in the nuts and run

@Leo Gura You know that might actually be worth checking out. I remember going through Austin on a Greyhound before, and the style of it seemed more like it'd be right for me. I still feel like I'm missing some bigger picture though about myself and my dating preferences. Like I'm making a lot of assumptions. Idk I guess I'll just drive through there and check them both out on my way to Arizona. I'm taking your advice and figuring out how to move someplace where I can practice game and have a social life. I've considered just flying to another city overnight on the weekends but I feel like that's a temporary fix to a bigger problem.

I'm moving from a small city in Missouri because I can't find any dating options there. Almost every woman I talk to is taken unless she's a single mom and ratched. I don't have anything against single moms, but I've had bad experiences trying to date them, and I'd rather just avoid the drama of it. I like my ghetto people, but I don't think I could date someone ghetto. The only place I might have a chance at meeting someone is getting involved with a church for a few years, but I'm not a big church person (not saying I'm not a Christian) Although I'm not a fan of church, I'd be willing to go if I made friends there or had a girlfriend who goes. But I'm much more interested in different kinds of spiritualities and religions, and exploring them for the sake of knowledge. What's the dating like here like? What's the social life like here? What are people like? What is wrong or missing in my perspective?

That sounds like a great way to portray God in a book or movie or show. As a character who is the REAL GOD, and people know it and ask Him/Her for advice, but they always refuse because they don't want to influence them, and every time on the rare occasion that they DO give advice or tell the Truth, the people listening to Them will almost always, seemingly anomalously, go and do something completely different, usually devilish, only for Zim to say: "That is not what I said to do at all, wtf?"

I've been living on my own lately and it's revealed a lot of personal bad habits and addictions that I otherwise would not have easily noticed or handled while living with my family. Weirdly enough, my home state feels like a completely different place since I've spent the last 5-8 years of my 20s travelling the world essentially. But now that I've moved out and know I can survive on my own in a more traditional sense (job, apartment, vehicle, etc.), I don't see much reason to stay in my home town anymore, except to stay close to my little sister, and to hold down the best and best paying job I've had yet. It's hard because I care deeply for my little sister, and it almost feels like I want to be physically close to her almost all the time, or at least not too far from her, but I'm not sure if there's much I can do to help her or guide her until she's 18, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I've tried enough. And I have this fear that if I move to Texas, or Colorado, or Arizona, that somehow, her life is going to get worse and I'm not going to be there to help her. Even though she won't be 18 for three years. She's the only reason I'm still staying around. If it wasn't for her I'd be in Colorado or Cali or some place like that. I believe that even though I have a good job where I am now, where the small town I'm living in is limiting my social prospects, my dating prospects, and is making it harder to establish the lifestyle I want to live. Either as a city-dweller, or a nomad. A lifestyle that, thankfully, my skillsets kind of lend themselves to. I believe I can have a good life in my home town in the South if I can just let go of my preferences, the life and people I had back out West and stop trying to base my identity and character and future around a location, but it's really hard for me to let go of that idea because SoCal and Colorado and Texas felt so much more like home, and I love seeing new places and nature, and I spent my entire childhood, teens, and early 20s trying to leave the South because I believed I never belonged there. Partially due to a sheltered and traumatic childhood and teenhood. Every month I spend away from Cali or my friends abroad, I feel like I'm growing more and more distant from them and those places, and the more they feel like some kind of dream, even though they were the best places I had ever lived. They were amazing, like a different world. Thinking about them actually makes me kind of sentimental. I have a six-month plan to save up money to build up a financial base, gather up some equipment for practising and gig work, and to pay off a debt or two using the job I have now and to spend as much time with my family as I can before taking off again in the summer, but every day my mind bugs and torments me about how seemingly much worse my life and dating options are here, and how I'm wasting time by staying here and am just allowing more time for more things to go wrong and hinder my plans. Even though I could see how I could turn my home state into a base of operations, and I don't really need to move states to do the things that make me, me. Like making music, or writing, or working out. I try going out and socializing on the weekends by going to the major cities or nicest cities within a 1-4 hour drive away from the one I'm in now (which is basically just a depressing parking lot of a city), but it's hard because it seems like every weekend there's something happening or going wrong: Bad weather keeps me pinned down A family member has passed Family drama/crisis Family obligation This weekend I want to go to Nashville or Knoxville and practice game, but I probably can't because I'm trying to get closer with an astranged biological father and half-brother that I didn't get to grow up with. This is important to me, and I'd feel guilty if I didn't, but I get this gut feeling like this is going to become a regular thing here: Sacrificing the only two days off I have for family matters. Matters that don't even include my little sister. But I don't know. Maybe January has just been a bad month. It seems like there's always something going on, and I notice that every day I have a million worries going through my head that I can't do jack about during the week, and would rather not worry about during the weekend: I gotta get my tooth pulled I've got to see a dermatologist about my receding hairline I should probably work this Saturday to make up for that missed day or those missed hours. I've got to text my bio-father and half-brother back so they don't think I don't care about them I still haven't wrote that book I need to come up with an exercise routine Gotta get seat covers I still don't know if I should stay or go I need to spend more time with my little sister I should drop my phone off to get it repaired I need to research tents I should do this I should do that And yet despite all of these exhausting thoughts, I still feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time, and like I mostly spend whatever free time I have on the weekends doing laundry, eating, sleeping, and jerking off to smut, which I think is soul-destroying and makes me into a bitter jealous bigot, robs me of my mojo and self-respect, and that i just need to go someplace where I can practice daygame every day where I'm surrounded by women that I find most attractive. It's impossible to practice daygame a great deal where I am now because I don't find most of the women that attractive, and like I said, the city I'm in now is largely a parking lot. It's not very possible to walk down the street and meet a different woman every two minutes. Every day I'm mentally exhausted and running through the same damn script, and I think it's distracting me from just, doing what I want to do. Which is to write, draw, and make music. On the plus side, ever since I moved out, started cooking my own food and eating a little better, and have started just talking to people more directly, telling them exactly what I think and feel and removing any ambiguity, I've gotten drug-free from my CBD, Benadryl, and Caffeine dependencies, and a lot of my more crippling self-esteem and anxiety has gone away for the most part, and my sleep is fixed. Mostly. Can someone poke holes in my thinking or direct me to a good online counselor or someone who can troubleshoot and debug my mind? I apologize for the brain dump here but I couldn't sleep unless I got this out somewhere.

Delete this account I have no need for it

I'll keep waveintheocean and is SO in mind when I pray tonight.

I was going to write a very long and lengthy post about this until I realized it revealed too much personal info and was way too long, and probably should just be a journal entry instead. Long story short, I tried moving out of my father's house to someplace really hard without a vehicle, and even though I managed to lock down a job, an apartment, and a way to and from work, I got too stressed out, and in one moment, I just...Pussied out and went back home. Weird thing is, in this hard place that I was barely making it in, I felt alive and determined every day. Ready for anything. And having my own private space that I have complete control over so I know where everything is, can get ready for work in 15 minutes, sleep, eat, and jerk off when I wanted to without guilt and fear of being interrupted, and having all of my free time in my own home all to myself, was one of the best experiences of my life. Well I've been back home with my family, and I've been on drugs ever since because I'm just so depressed and anxious all the time, and the drugs probably aren't helping. I use coffee to compensate for not getting enough sleep because of my shitty living situation and having to work 12 hours a day, but then I can't fall asleep at night so I used CBD and THC for that, but that can cause me to fail a drug test and ALMOST cost me a job, so I stopped that and started using Benadryl. But then I started having fucked up dreams, still felt tired and on edge all the time, and more depressed, started having memory issues, in a constant brain fog, and it's a nasty drug and I really fuckin' hate drugs. So now that I've got a job I've gone back to CBD even though it might make employment difficult once I leave my current job. Which I like, by the way. It's the best job I've had yet. Pays the best so far, too. I don't like drugs, but if I had to choose between only getting 4 hours of sleep three days in a row and having a mental breakdown, and doing drugs so I can hold down my job and keep saving up the money that I need, I'll choose the latter. It made me realize that, living with my family, is even more of a hell than I had previously thought. It's gone from being, "annoying but I'm used to it", to absolute hell. I was, and still am, considering just investing in a giant tent and setting it up in my father's backyard and living out of it until I think I'm financially ready and skilled enough to venture out West or even return to where I left, but some part of my brain is like, "What the fuck are you doing? You're putting a band-aid on a flesh wound. You need to leave NOW. Leave now while your car is running well-enough. While your family isn't weighing you down with TOO big of an obligation (because you know it's coming). Even if you DID manage to live more healthy out of a tent in your father's backyard, it still doesn't solve all the other issues that you face here. It doesn't fix your non-existent dating and social life here in MS, the fact that you can't relate to people here and that there's not any single, attractive, high-quality women who are your type here. It doesn't change the fact that every weekend there's some family social gathering that you're gonna feel obligated to go to. It's not going to change the fact that if you don't go, you're gonna feel guilty, and if you DO go, you're gonna have to deal with your mother's husband even though you'd rather avoid him like the plague. You've been in worse situations. You've camped outdoors in the wilderness for two weeks at a time, you've been enslaved twice (kind of, another story), You've been in a ghetto trade school that's ran like a prison, you survived your traumatic childhood, you've spent a month living in one of the most dangerous cities in the world and managed to lock down a job and an apartment there, you can handle living out of a car and working a job. And you're a welder. You can land a job wherever you choose within a week at the latest and make more money than most people your age. The only difference between quitting your job and leaving now vs quitting and leaving 2-4 weeks from now, is that you'll have a few extra thousand dollars, which you'll get anyways when you land another welding job wherever you go! Yeah you can save up for a better vehicle or something, but if you're living out of your car or a tent, you can do that anyways elsewhere! Going now doesn't stop you from doing that, in fact, it will ensure that you remain mentally sound-enough to see it happen, and not end up in a loony bin, or dead. You can't help your sister if you're crazy or dead. Dude, fuck this shit, quit your job, go out West, and live out of your car, or if possible, a tent. You already have to sleep in your car sometimes just to get good, drug-free sleep. Just go." A part of me wants to give my two-weeks notice tomorrow, make a couple extra Ks, and then leave. Part of me wants to at least apply to some jobs first. Part of me thinks I should stay where I am, build up a few more resources, and then leave once I can start trying to work for myself or try to stay for six months to repair my work history, even though most people lie about theirs. Part of me wants to leave now, before I change my mind and get scared and stuck like an aunt of mine. And the only thing that's making me hesitate, even though I know I can take it, is having to live out of a car. Unless I go out West and setup a tent on some BLM land. What do you guys think? Is there anything I should know ahead of time?

@Preety_India You seem pretty cute to me, not to be weird or anything. Not need to hide it. I don't use my profile picture for privacy reasons, but maybe that's just me.

@Preety_India You're so sweet, you know that?

Fuck and I meditate so I CAN feel sleepy, and you're telling me it's not good?

@Leo Gura I always worried those floss picks were wasteful, but flossing with string feels so much more...Annoying. Eh, modern times require modern solutions.

@Preety_India I don't know about giving up personal freedom. I might still do the car and tent thing but stay in the area at least. But I do have a good job already that I'd honestly prefer to keep...And a place to practice my trade skills on my father's property...And if I went someplace else I'd just be doing the same things I'm doing now. Okay maybe if I can carve out some personal space and personal time for myself I can do without friends and a dating and social life while I work on building a skillset and career. I guess I just get so tired and burned out I get blinded and lose my patience. As for the drugs, I'm only taking CBD now, but am working on getting myself to the point of not needing it, but that I'm a little less willing to budge on, that's kinda my medicine. But THC and DPH and all that, yeah fuck all that. And yes of course a forum can't solve my problems ? but I just need someone to check my sanity sometimes, like you've done for me, which I appreciate. So how do you deal with your own personal frustrations and anxieties?

Car-razy? I wanna do some car razing!

@Lyubov Men need to eat pussy like they need to eat Big Macs. Makes sense to me one of the core primal drives in any human's life is to reproduce.

I've once again found myself in a place in life where there are no good dating options, it's hard if not impossible to establish a social life outside of church, I can't relate to anyone at church, old acquaintances, friends, and even family members won't talk to me, I'm depressed and anxious all the time, and the only people I really have in my life (which I'm grateful for), is my family. With family and living with family, comes all sorts of issues. So I give up again. I give up trying to make friends, dating, being social, getting people to like me. I'm just going to cut everyone off and withdraw inwards until this period of my life is over.

From my experience with women, it's like the moment I start to get invested in someone and want to start giving all my love to her, she loses interest and ghosts me or friendzones me. But if I play it cool and don't express too much interest, she stays interested. Except if I can't ever share my love with a woman and I have to be this cold muthafuckuh for her to stay in love with me, I wonder, what's the point in trying to date women and find, "love" if a woman will never love me the way I want, and I have to love myself? I'm not against self-love, I love it. I love myself more than before, and in the end, I'm all I've got. It's just weird frustrating, wanting love and intimacy from someone, but expressing that too much causes you to lose it. Yet women fall into relationships with abusive and manipulative men all the time and end up addicted in love with them. To the point where I almost thing most women WANT to be manipulated into being in love with a man. They don't really want to be loved. I don't even really blame players who have multiple baby mommas anymore, and I don't have a lot of respect for women other than what they do as individuals. I mean I can play these stupid mindgames with women to try and get past her bullshit and seduce her, but I just always feel like that's wretched, stupid, and waste of my time when I could be doing something more productive and virtuous than wasting time, playing games with some girl. To the point where sometimes in the past, when a girl expressed romantic or sexual attraction to me (usually after hearing me sing or some friend trying to hook me up with someone), I usually get weirdly angry and proud, and I either start ignoring her everytime she's around, or I even start to play mindgames with her. If I want sex, I'll pay for it. If I want love, I'll find it within myself and within God. So why the fuck would I ever date or marry someone unless I accidentally knock them up? The only way I can think of loving a woman, is loving her like a pet. The best way I can describe it, is that I get angry and defensive because it feels like she's trying to distract me from my self-love, my purpose, and from God. She's trying to take my sovereignty from me. The times where I did reciprocate sexual or romantic attraction, it fizzled out. I know I sound clueless and probably a bit broken but fuck it, I want answers.

I guess for me a job is just a means to an end, and what I've learned about myself is that, it almost doesn't really matter what job I get, how much I love my life depends on my life circumstances. If I'm living someplace where: I have friends Have a social life Am part of a community Have a girlfriend or decent dating options Nice weather Nature Solitude or a good home life with family/roommates Then I can work almost the shittiest job, and still love my life every day. But if I'm living in a bad place where: I don't have any close friends My social life is non-existent outside of work I'm not a part of a community or am the weird guy in it I have no girlfriend and no attractive dating prospects Shitty weather No nature or no time to enjoy it No solitude and a chaotic or bad home life I can almost have the best job I can imagine and still end up on drugs or badly depressed. Unless I know for certain that it was temporary, Like, 3-6 months temporary. And if I can't get enough sleep I'm fucked. I know I'm just talking to myself and journaling right now, but I think I'm onto something. I guess I'm at a place in life right now where, I've decided on the two skillsets that I want, and now I'm just trying to figure out how can I use those two skillsets to build and maintain a life and lifestyle that gets at LEAST three of my above needs met year-round, and how to change my perspective when I'm in a valley.