CodyXarex

I'm currently working a job using a trade skill I went to school for while staying with family and saving up enough money to either move to another part of the US and find more jobs like it, or return to a city abroad that I really want to make my home. The trade that I do is something that I enjoy. To me it's a more noble calling than being a scientist or the likes because it allows me to make an immediate, visible, physical impact on the world around me, it involves a bit of creating and destroying which suits my desire to create, and there's potential to make big money with it if I can get the proper vehicle for it or expand my skills and get more certifications. But every day that I live with my family and go to work at this job, I feel like I'm off course in life. Even if I'm working the job so I can go spend six months abroad and focus on web development non-stop. Unlike now where between working 12 hours a day and living with family, it's hard. I'm too busy trying to get enough sleep during the week, and meeting family obligations on the weekends. Especially with it being the holiday season. While at work, I get to thinking, You know, I enjoy this, if I lived someplace where I was happy and had friends or was part of a community or had a girlfriend or wife, I'd happily keep doing this indefinitely. I know half of my motivations for becoming a web developer is so I can go live in this city abroad where half my friends are and where I can have the social life I want and date the type of women I find the most attractive in the millions, but if I had game, and just moved to another state, or just changed my perspective on the way I'm living life and the work I'm doing now, I'd probably continue being fine doing this. I could just work as a welder part of the year and then go live in the city I want to call home for the rest of the year. And my living situation and work hours pretty much force me to live out of my car anyways because if I try to sleep in my father's house every night I'm just gonna get addicted to Benadryl...If I have to live out of my car, then why stick around here? Why not see what else the US has to offer? I might fuck around and find a small town I like living in, or meet someone nice or make friends, and then I'm not gonna want to leave THAT place. And if I go back to that city abroad, especially solely for dating, but I get frustrated because I still lack game bad, I'm probably going to still have good days and bad days just like I do now. Why not just start living life now? Yet I still feel this strong craving to save up enough money to move back to that city for six months and study web development and become a web developer because, the idea of just working online from home and living in a big city that feels like home to me is...Comforting. It makes me feel secure. More secure than travelling around the US for work and living out of a vehicle. But then I think to myself...I mean I'm always going to be uncomfortable at various periods in life. Life is uncomfortable. I originally got into studying web development to compensate for dropping out of college, and because I used to think of myself as an anxious and depressed introvert who doesn't like to deal with people directly and can't handle it very much. But my journeys through life has proven otherwise, and I mean, I've been in worse situations than working 12 hours a day working a job that's the best job I've ever had, and living out of a car. And I mean, I don't have a choice. Life is full of suffering and confrontation. If I worked for myself as a web developer, I still would have to deal with irate clients. If I got into a relationship, I still would have to work my ass off to argue with, negotiate with, and maintain a relationship with another human being. I would spend my free time doing the trade stuff for people for free anyways. There's no hiding. I can't afford to hide. I don't want to hide. So why try to seek out that comfort. But then that still doesn't invalidate becoming a web developer, because the fact remains, that it's a good, good-paying career path that will allow me to have a good life abroad with far less expenses than here in the US, which is important to me because of my student loan debt, and it would also allow me to have the social life I want, and still allow me to be close to my family or have a life in the US if I want. So if becoming a web developer is still a valid goal, and I'm already working a career path that I take pride in and it's helping me to fund my web development pursuit, then what am I so anxious and impatient about to the point that I'm letting it rob me of sleep? I feel like I'm talking and thinking myself in circles.

I love how his teachings about self-deception has helped me develop a tool to immediately shut down some inner demons when they arise. Like that whole one about, "X Could mean/be doing this, OR, X is actually that or is doing that." Like, she may not text you back because she's ghosting you, OR she's genuinely busy. She may be with that other guy because he's more of a thug type, OR, he's actually a really sweet guy who treats her right and she loves him for that and he just so happens to be tall and just wears a gold chain for style or to blend in socially or conform to social norms, and you're just projecting your own prejudices and insecurities. OR, maybe she's not the type of woman you want anyways, and one chick you find attractive being with some guy you're comparing yourself to isn't an indicator that you can't pull another chick who looks like that who would fall in love with you, assuming you want that. I love how he looks like Nosferatu. I love the fact that he doesn't seem to ban or blast anyone for criticizing him or going up against his advice, so that shows character and that he's not a cult leader at least. OR, maybe no! Idk, I'm new here.

Thanks, @Space. It...Kind of helps. I've gotta work tomorrow and I'm a bit too tired to mule over this right now, but I'll give it a shot. The only jobs I can think of in recent memory that I really, "enjoyed" were being a carpenter's assistant for a little community, helping to build a cabin, digging trails in back country, and a production welding job, and only because it almost felt like playing a mini-game every day where I had to color in between the lines for $18 an hour...But color with molten metal. My current job isn't really tedious, at least not yet. And it's just a job. I take some satisfaction and pride in helping to construct things that are going to be used as literal building blocks for structures in society...But I can see it getting tedious someday. I wouldn't mind it if I lived someplace that I love, but you said disregard location. I don't know. I'm thinking more in terms of career or what I can do with a skillset. Being a tradesman and building useful things or repairing things for people seems much more rewarding and meaningful to me than web development, but to me, a job is just a means to an end. What I want, is to either work for myself, or spend my free time and money building things for a community, just to tinker, or to sell them, or for gigs. I notice I tend to get bored of most jobs easily. I started studying web development because I want a job that allows me to live anywhere in the world and better handle my debt. So I can make money from the comfort of my own home, and then choose to go off on gigs or little adventures as I please, or spend my free time doing things like building bookshelves and selling them and repairing farm equipment for people on my off-days. If I could do one thing every day, or had something I would do even if I had over 100 million dollars like Leo said, I would spend my time writing and coding, and on weekends, writing and performing songs, and tinkering with electronics and forging things.

Maybe Elon Musk is great by our current society's standards, values, and expectations...Whatever that is. Anyway why does TIME Magazine have the final say in who's the greatest person of the year? What authority do they have? God?

@Jacob Morres You mean specific individuals or characteristics? Off the top of my head, it's men who refuse to subscribe to whatever stereotype there is for their race, ethnicity, or just gender in general. Men who spend time with kids and try to show them that it's possible to be a good man AND a strong man. That you don't have to choose between being weak and strange, or being obnoxious, toxic, manipulative, violent, misogynistic, predatory, narcissistic, or any of that shit. A man that will show a boy that you can be whatever kind of man you want to be, and that you can try your best to do the right thing even in the worst of places, while also not allowing yourself to be a victim.

@Lyubov Damn that's beautiful. I'm starting to think I just need to get out there more and be myself unapologetically and unashamed. @Raze that first video is exactly my thoughts and opinions on the whole, "game" thing entirely, and I've been trying to get myself to ignore my gut about it. I want to learn a bit of game and pickup, but not to try to pretend to be someone else, but just get better at openly expressing my thoughts about someone, to someone.

Bruh

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@Roy Well shit, that kind of flew over my head, but I think I have some beginning to understanding what you mean. Well I don't like being needy or weak. I don't know where the idea that it's somehow on the same level as love comes from other than...My culture or something. I mean, yeah I get kind of cynical about dating and relationships, but if I had to be honest with myself, there were some times where the games were fun, and I mean...Having someone to have sex with and do fun things with DOES sound pretty nice even if that's ALL it is. And I know that if I don't figure this aspect of my life out I'm going to continue to be envious of other guys and frustrated when I don't approach someone I'm attracted to. but you say to move towards I want IN SPITE of whether or not it's "right" or logically consistent with what I think is the truth. It really makes me think, do I really know what I want? Because i notice that when I tell myself what I seem to be behaving like I want, which is, "You want a girlfriend who is going to love you for who you've made yourself into and that you can shower with love", I get no response from that little voice in my head. I almost could have sworn I heard a "No." Why DO I want a girlfriend? Other than still trying to play up to some norm and finding certain women really attractive?. I don't know I guess I just see this thing, it's attractive to me, and I guess I just, want it. It seems kinda nice, maybe.

Is it possible? I tried moving to TJ one time, and what I found was both much of the stereotypes depicted there, as well as some pretty decent people. But what was interesting, was that the decent people weren't as quick to warm up and be friendly as they were in other places I had been. I also found myself kind of slowly becoming an asshole and kind of giving up on being nice and friendly with people and it felt...So much less stressful that way, and still does despite now being back in the Bible Belt. I find that my interactions with people go much more smoothly when I stop trying to go out of my way to be nice or friendly with people (especially when I biases get in the way), and just largely ignore everyone equally unless I need to talk to them for something work-related or out of curiosity. I've also encountered some pretty predatory people and had to listen to my gut to steer me away from some potentially dangerous situations, but I also noticed some predatory behaviours within myself. Like the city showed me just how much of a devil I could be when put into an environment that allows for it and is filled with it. I still met a lot of decent, friendly people, but I noticed I was much slower to trust them, and I think they were also much slower to trust me. I even remember when I first met another American at this volunteer thing she asked me, "Hmm...What's a young man like you doing in TJ?" At the end of the day, I think everyone there is just hustling to survive. It's just some do it more honestly and morally than others. What's weirder is, I actually almost kind of miss it. It felt like an alternate universe when compared to the boring Bible Belt where everything is orderly, systematic, Christian-ly, and no one really gives a fuck about you unless you're a part of their church group. It's a damn-hard place to live and not a place I want to date in, but I miss some friends in places close to there, and I almost want to go back just so I can become tougher and train myself out of people-pleasing, and learn how to deal with manipulation. It feels like there's a lot of potential to do either a lot of good or a lot of evil there. What's anyone's opinion on this?

For what it's worth, I do feel like positive male role models are not pushed strongly enough in our society. Not that it's society's responsibility...I don't think. As a young black man who doesn't fit into any of the current, "black man" stereotypes and popular images, it was hard to find a good black male role model, or at least it always felt like that. But I found some, but not before deciding to just, do it myself.

Loaded question as the title Mentions how he watched Fight Club Immediate first response criticizes the title Already four pages long Am I late to the fight?

@aurum Already on it. There's this city abroad that I visited once and hated at first, but after making so many friends there and going on this wonderful date with this one lady that I didn't even have to try with other than just talking to her and being myself, I want to make it my home. The food is good, cost of living is cheaper (which is important with my debt), I have friends there, easily made friends, and all the women are just my type, and there's over millions of them in that city alone. I'm just trying to figure out how to live there. Either working my trade job half the year in the US and then spending half the year there, or becoming a web developer. I'm trying to do both but it's stressful, especially while trying to hold down my trade job and spend time with my family who I currently live with. Between working 12 hours a day and living with family and living in the friggin' rural South, I have no social life other than at church and online. But this is old news. I've been here before, I'll get out again.

I'm currently in a small Southern town and want to practice game, but the only place I can think of where I can meet lots of different women and maybe afford striking out, is church. And I'm not sure if the crazy shit Leo says would turn out well for me in church. Like, saying I'm a Russian Orthodox and taking some chick to confess her sins and get molested, or some shit about being Asian or Black below the waist or crazy shit like that. That's not my style, and if I met a chick who likes that, I'd probably smash and then run for the hills. Unless all women are like that. I...Hate it here. I always have. I hate going to church because I can't relate to anyone there, it's hard to hold a conversation, I have a tendency to filter myself in those environments, and it's boring. Also most chicks my age are either married to their highschool sweetheart, or are single mothers, which I respectfully would prefer not to deal with. I'm currently saving up money to move to a big city abroad where I find the women more attractive and there's millions of them to practice on. I'll admit I'm completely new to game, and I used to want to take women seriously, but I think that's where I've always fucked up. By taking women seriously. And I've always been taught by my environment and culture that the alternative to taking women seriously and trying to give them all of your love, is treating them as sexual objects and as disposable. Neither appeals to me. I usually lose out with women when I try to take the old classic, "nice and sweet" approach, and I get nervous. But if a woman starts flirting with me first, it's almost like I become a different person and just start flirting back effortlessly with no anxiety. In the past after dealing with a lot of rejection, the only times women would usually approach me first, is if they hear me singing, and it's usually when I'm just performing to express myself and get things off my chest, but many times I often get weirdly angry, defensive and dismissive when they do approach me. My mind starts telling me that they're a waste of time, it's a trick, and that they're distracting me from my mission in life. The only exception being this 40-year-old I once met and hooked up with that I had a great time talking to. Anyways, is it possible to practice game at church? If so, how should I go about it? Either way I'm going to try my luck with this chick at this restaurant not far from work tomorrow, and I'm just gonna look her in the eyes and tell her how it is instead of making this bullshit small talk with her. I'm not expecting anything but wish me luck.

@Bando Good shit, I'mma bookmark this

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"Lost" my virginity to an escort during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic and I thought I was gonna die. It was the grossest, messiest, smelliest experience I had ever had and I did not nut one time, and it opened the Pandora's box for me paying escorts for sex. It feels great but the intimacy of being inside or on top or or under another person is the best part, not the sensation of your dick inside someone's pussy. But it always left me feeling empty and corrupt. It's not worth it, being a virgin is fine. Just don't tell anyone about it just like how you wouldn't share info about your 11th pinkie toe.

It at least gives closure and perspective.

This is wholesome.