CodyXarex

Thanks

[Removed for privacy]

I'm stuck at a job that I hate, with family that I hate, in a state that I hate, and I'm fed up with it, but my job gives me the option of working any day of the week, up to 16 hours a day. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to work 16 hours a day, every day, and I'm only going to take 2-4 days off a month. Hopefully this will lead to me making between $8,000 - $10,000 a month. I intend to do this until the end of the year, then I'm taking whatever money I made, and I'm leaving the US and never talking to these people again. I'm most likely going to start to be an asshole to people. My family and some of the people I work with might not like me by the end of it. Fuck 'em. Any tips for taking care of my mental and physical health and making the most out of this? I know cutting out bad food (or eating), YouTube, and porn are at the top of that list.

A family member that I'm reconnecting with helped me get a government job that I never thought I'd work, helped me (and kind of pressured me to) get a car that serves me well but isn't what I need for my lifestyle, hobbies, and pursuits (but is still a good vehicle), I'm living in a place that I hate, and I'm trying to decide whether to live with my father and use all the money I'm making to put a small home or RV on my father's property, which could take awhile and still might involve family issues, or rent an apartment, which would be throwing away money, but would give me the space I need to be alone, break old toxic habits, challenge old toxic beliefs that I picked up from my father (like NEEDING to move abroad), and break my codependency with him. My main concern with renting an apartment so soon is that, if this job doesn't work out, or I decide that after working it for six months that I want to move and take another job, then I'll have a lot less money to work with (unless I work a lot of extra overtime), and I'll have to break the lease and go through a lot of extra trouble that could just make things harder for me in the future. I've accepted that this year is just going to suck, and that part of it sucking is having to live with and deal with family members and issues that I'd rather not, but may get better if I give them attention, and with time. It might be the case that I have to spend a year or more at this job, or that I may WANT to stay in the South or strike some balance between my family, and the life I want here. but I don't know any of that yet. What I DO know, is that I'm going to be 30 in three years. 6-12 months is a long time to spend in a place I don't like and that makes me feel lonely, just to try and make my family happy, considering I'm going to be 30 so soon, and that there are several other places I could live and would prefer to live than here. Yeah life in the US is getting way more expensive, but I wonder what other possibilities are there? Living on the border? Living out of an RV or camper? Moving abroad, which is tricky because it's something that I really like the idea of, but my father talks to me and pressures me about it so much I can't tell if it's really what I want or what HE wants. I still feel as if the US has a lot more to offer but I don't know how to see it all. However I shouldn't discount my job and the benefits and options it gives me, and I believe it is best for me to operate within that framework at least until I create other means of making a living. I think living 6-12 hours away from family or a 2-4 hour flight away is plenty of time if I have a job that gives 3-day weekends, but if my family could have it their way, I'd just live 30 minutes away. The only thing that comforts me about these decisions is that, I think the only things in my life that might be my life purpose, the only things I feel I would regret NOT doing on my deathbed, is writing stories and creating music. And I can do that while living out of a car if I had to. All I need is an instrument, and a computer, and access to a recording studio when it comes time to record the songs. So I feel like I have a little more room for error in terms of life and lifestyle choices than someone who say, wants to become a scientist, or start a million-dollar business, or become a Navy SEAL. But maybe that room for error is an illusion. I just wish I knew why am I so afraid of disappointing or leaving my family behind. It seems like every time I try to leave them I end up right back to them, and every time I try to do what I think would make them more happy, I end up making myself miserable. I wrote a lot more about this but I'm condensing it all down to 3-6 brief paragraphs as much as possible.

This is probably not a very new or enlightened question, and I am not sure if I can articulate it like how it came up in my mind, but I got to thinking: Today I was trying my best to feel grateful and calm, but I got a bad case of road rage that got so bad that I had to pull over and break a few of my things and bloddy my knuckles before calming down. I remember cursing society, cursing humanity, and swearing bloody vengeance. Then right after that, I met some incredibly, seemingly decent people who really helped me with something that I was struggling with, and it made me feel grateful for being alive and actually desire to support and better society to keep it safe and civilized for people like that, and feel guilty for my omnicidal thoughts. Then I told a white lie almost automatically to try and avoid having to pay a fine, but felt immensely guilty and wretched for it. Then a little voice somewhat referring back to Alan Watts saying something about everyone being a bit of a rascal, and it made me think, "Why do I feel guilty for having bad moments of being a bad person when everyone else is the same way? Why do I ask God for forgiveness if He already knows my true nature and if He designed me and other people that way?" Then I asked, "Why did God make human beings devils? Or are we just calling ourselves devils because we don't live up to some ideal of God in our mind?" "Where does the ideal come from?" "Most humans beings are fully capable of and often are amazing people in one moment, and an absolute wretch in another. Why can't I accept that and reconcile the two in my mind?" "Why is it insufficient to just be one or the other, and why does that bug me?"

Everyone says I need to be myself. What if the real me is a hateful, angry, vengeful, anti-social, asexual, highly religious piece of shit?

I want to forget about myself and who I think I am. I want to forget about who I am, forget who I think I should be, forget my desires, forget the outcome, exterminate everything that distracts me from getting to know me in reality, excommunicate with everyone who reminds me of who I am or who I was, stop using the internet, stop using drugs, stop using pornography, stop talking to people, stop talking to myself, stop doing everything and just live life. Even if it’s lonely, painful, and boring. Because no matter where I go, there I am. And so as long as I am mediocre, my life will be mediocre. And no friends or game-playing is going to change that.

Jesus how horrifying. Do what flowboy suggested and if they don't get the hint and move in knee them in the nuts and run

@Leo Gura You know that might actually be worth checking out. I remember going through Austin on a Greyhound before, and the style of it seemed more like it'd be right for me. I still feel like I'm missing some bigger picture though about myself and my dating preferences. Like I'm making a lot of assumptions. Idk I guess I'll just drive through there and check them both out on my way to Arizona. I'm taking your advice and figuring out how to move someplace where I can practice game and have a social life. I've considered just flying to another city overnight on the weekends but I feel like that's a temporary fix to a bigger problem.

I'm moving from a small city in Missouri because I can't find any dating options there. Almost every woman I talk to is taken unless she's a single mom and ratched. I don't have anything against single moms, but I've had bad experiences trying to date them, and I'd rather just avoid the drama of it. I like my ghetto people, but I don't think I could date someone ghetto. The only place I might have a chance at meeting someone is getting involved with a church for a few years, but I'm not a big church person (not saying I'm not a Christian) Although I'm not a fan of church, I'd be willing to go if I made friends there or had a girlfriend who goes. But I'm much more interested in different kinds of spiritualities and religions, and exploring them for the sake of knowledge. What's the dating like here like? What's the social life like here? What are people like? What is wrong or missing in my perspective?

That sounds like a great way to portray God in a book or movie or show. As a character who is the REAL GOD, and people know it and ask Him/Her for advice, but they always refuse because they don't want to influence them, and every time on the rare occasion that they DO give advice or tell the Truth, the people listening to Them will almost always, seemingly anomalously, go and do something completely different, usually devilish, only for Zim to say: "That is not what I said to do at all, wtf?"

I've been living on my own lately and it's revealed a lot of personal bad habits and addictions that I otherwise would not have easily noticed or handled while living with my family. Weirdly enough, my home state feels like a completely different place since I've spent the last 5-8 years of my 20s travelling the world essentially. But now that I've moved out and know I can survive on my own in a more traditional sense (job, apartment, vehicle, etc.), I don't see much reason to stay in my home town anymore, except to stay close to my little sister, and to hold down the best and best paying job I've had yet. It's hard because I care deeply for my little sister, and it almost feels like I want to be physically close to her almost all the time, or at least not too far from her, but I'm not sure if there's much I can do to help her or guide her until she's 18, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I've tried enough. And I have this fear that if I move to Texas, or Colorado, or Arizona, that somehow, her life is going to get worse and I'm not going to be there to help her. Even though she won't be 18 for three years. She's the only reason I'm still staying around. If it wasn't for her I'd be in Colorado or Cali or some place like that. I believe that even though I have a good job where I am now, where the small town I'm living in is limiting my social prospects, my dating prospects, and is making it harder to establish the lifestyle I want to live. Either as a city-dweller, or a nomad. A lifestyle that, thankfully, my skillsets kind of lend themselves to. I believe I can have a good life in my home town in the South if I can just let go of my preferences, the life and people I had back out West and stop trying to base my identity and character and future around a location, but it's really hard for me to let go of that idea because SoCal and Colorado and Texas felt so much more like home, and I love seeing new places and nature, and I spent my entire childhood, teens, and early 20s trying to leave the South because I believed I never belonged there. Partially due to a sheltered and traumatic childhood and teenhood. Every month I spend away from Cali or my friends abroad, I feel like I'm growing more and more distant from them and those places, and the more they feel like some kind of dream, even though they were the best places I had ever lived. They were amazing, like a different world. Thinking about them actually makes me kind of sentimental. I have a six-month plan to save up money to build up a financial base, gather up some equipment for practising and gig work, and to pay off a debt or two using the job I have now and to spend as much time with my family as I can before taking off again in the summer, but every day my mind bugs and torments me about how seemingly much worse my life and dating options are here, and how I'm wasting time by staying here and am just allowing more time for more things to go wrong and hinder my plans. Even though I could see how I could turn my home state into a base of operations, and I don't really need to move states to do the things that make me, me. Like making music, or writing, or working out. I try going out and socializing on the weekends by going to the major cities or nicest cities within a 1-4 hour drive away from the one I'm in now (which is basically just a depressing parking lot of a city), but it's hard because it seems like every weekend there's something happening or going wrong: Bad weather keeps me pinned down A family member has passed Family drama/crisis Family obligation This weekend I want to go to Nashville or Knoxville and practice game, but I probably can't because I'm trying to get closer with an astranged biological father and half-brother that I didn't get to grow up with. This is important to me, and I'd feel guilty if I didn't, but I get this gut feeling like this is going to become a regular thing here: Sacrificing the only two days off I have for family matters. Matters that don't even include my little sister. But I don't know. Maybe January has just been a bad month. It seems like there's always something going on, and I notice that every day I have a million worries going through my head that I can't do jack about during the week, and would rather not worry about during the weekend: I gotta get my tooth pulled I've got to see a dermatologist about my receding hairline I should probably work this Saturday to make up for that missed day or those missed hours. I've got to text my bio-father and half-brother back so they don't think I don't care about them I still haven't wrote that book I need to come up with an exercise routine Gotta get seat covers I still don't know if I should stay or go I need to spend more time with my little sister I should drop my phone off to get it repaired I need to research tents I should do this I should do that And yet despite all of these exhausting thoughts, I still feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time, and like I mostly spend whatever free time I have on the weekends doing laundry, eating, sleeping, and jerking off to smut, which I think is soul-destroying and makes me into a bitter jealous bigot, robs me of my mojo and self-respect, and that i just need to go someplace where I can practice daygame every day where I'm surrounded by women that I find most attractive. It's impossible to practice daygame a great deal where I am now because I don't find most of the women that attractive, and like I said, the city I'm in now is largely a parking lot. It's not very possible to walk down the street and meet a different woman every two minutes. Every day I'm mentally exhausted and running through the same damn script, and I think it's distracting me from just, doing what I want to do. Which is to write, draw, and make music. On the plus side, ever since I moved out, started cooking my own food and eating a little better, and have started just talking to people more directly, telling them exactly what I think and feel and removing any ambiguity, I've gotten drug-free from my CBD, Benadryl, and Caffeine dependencies, and a lot of my more crippling self-esteem and anxiety has gone away for the most part, and my sleep is fixed. Mostly. Can someone poke holes in my thinking or direct me to a good online counselor or someone who can troubleshoot and debug my mind? I apologize for the brain dump here but I couldn't sleep unless I got this out somewhere.

I'll keep waveintheocean and is SO in mind when I pray tonight.

Delete this account I have no need for it

@Preety_India You seem pretty cute to me, not to be weird or anything. Not need to hide it. I don't use my profile picture for privacy reasons, but maybe that's just me.