KatiesKarma

I think I am the only person on earth who has what I have. DPDR and Schizoid personaliy disorder might come close to being a label but it's still different, otherwise suggested therapeutic interventions would have changed me. Maybe my ego actually died. Maybe the trauma caused a irreversible neural change. Maybe my heart and mind chakra is severely blocked. I just don't really know.

I think I tried almost anything you could spontaneously come up with right now. Maybe I just need to do these things 100 times instead of 10. I would describe it like this: I've been completely emptied of emotions. It's not just a mind problem, my body changed Too. I literally perceive the world completely different in comparison to the average person

Like that's what I did for three years. I bought books i bought courses found the weirdest YouTubers I tried teal swan tried Harris Harrington I tried a lot. I am obsessed with trying to heal this it is my literal only goal. I don't give a flying fuck about God as long he's not trying to kill me I just want to FEEL EMOTIONS AND LOVE Like I am not on here because I was so interested in the nature of consciousness i.e. positive motives I am here because of FEAR and terror. God kind of forced himself on me

My guess is I have Depersonalization Disorder, Derealization Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder (all of these are basically the same thing). Depersonalization is like one step away from Borderline but never reaches there but the root problem and structure of it is the same. Some psychology book claims the Schizoid Type is deeply afraid of Others and Self-Realization I bought a 10 hours course of some dude trying to heal DPDR. Was useless to me but maybe I have to give it another shot as I was in the middle of psychosis or so. I bought serveral books on dpdr, they were so fucking dumb i.e. someone literally claiming that just imagining it away is gonna fix it lmao

@Leo Gura Thing is due to the illness I can't really work and make a lot of money (yet) I didn't really mention how with this peculiar ""condition"" I had to quit school even though I was really good at it. So no college for me. I now go to a institution where I do art and get paid 2€ hour. I also work as a cashier, I hate it with my guts. Therapists like this are expensive is what I am getting at. I only can do the cheap stuff the state pays (Germany) like useless talk therapy I will try to do the Concentration exercises Michal on here mentioned and maybe affirmations while I sleep. All of this is a profound pain in the ass If I ever end up in the actual Godhead I will have a couple of questions

@Leo Gura I am extremely cautious believe me with these things... I would rather NOT relive an imaginary demonic alien invasion The thing is I've had a LOT of therapy. Hours upon hours clinic after clinic I was talking about all the shit that happened and keeps happening to me but it did absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing ever changed or got processed if anything I would get triggered and hallucinate garbage again The Self Talk Therapy where I write out a conversation between different aspects of me (The Exiled Child, The Manager, The Schizoid one) seems most helpful as of right now. I even bought a book from Teal Swan, one of the methods was basically just what I describe above And listening to certain music on HHC... I will dig deeper into journaling and this breathwork stuff even though I despise laying on the floor for 50 mins and doing that ? Like, what would be the root of intrusive horror thoughts. How do I get rid of this root.

I think it had a lot to do with my deeper state of mind. You see I have a really disturbing personality disorder I wouldn't want to wish onto my worst enemy and at some point I took all sorts of pyschs in an effort to heal. I downed 100-150 ug normal LSD and had wild hallucinations, could manipulate reality and everything was funny. On 1P LSD I was literally in such a bad state, I took it out of despair and ended up seeing demons and this guy from the movie Saw Recently on HHC I was able to enter a state of white light etc this was my favorite trip from all I've had before

Yup. I had very shit upbringing - my father was completely incompetent in terms of love, was a drug dealer and ruined my entire life by being selfish. Then he died from a heart attack etc Never in my life was I able to fathom a deep connection with someone else. So, I always feel alone. I don't really know how to heal. LSD? IFS? I am trying to do self talk therapy it seems to trigger dreams dealing with profound fears

Thank you, will do.

I think the reasons for this are just mystical. Maybe God wanted to just show me what my mind can do to itself. In the end I just surrendered now matter how terrifying... In childhood I saw a documentary about hell and was indoctrinated with it a bit but not enough to really justify what happened to me for months on end I am also theorizing that I have a personality disorder where two sub personalities are within my subconscious, one of these personalities is definitely insane because it keeps showing me horrifying demons and more toxic rotten garbage. I push these thoughts away but I don't understand the root cause of them.

@Holykael I think so too, in the end I had to accept the idea of eternal hell for literally no other reason other than a psychopath God

Guys after writing this my heart started racing and my perception became more 3D like. Crazy

@gettoefl @gettoefl I really don't feel like reading these things. Maybe one day if I am stuck on a 8 hour long train journey and randomly brought my bible with me. What does Bernadette say about Satan and sin? Empty conceptual lies?

@gettoefl @blackchair my Psychosis contained the idea that Satan literally killed God and we would all go to hell lol it was so dumb yet so real But in the end it was too dumb to be true hence my existence on this page. I don't know what stage I am now at but I am pretty convinced that everything that's exists is God

Lmao Leo ahaha

@TheCloud @TheCloudhey , I tried the technique and it subsequently triggered a dream that caused me to feel pretty anxious. It works. I have three parts within me. The manager, the exiled child and a schizoid/schizophrenic part.

@Leo Gura right, but why such a complicated story? Why does God purposely keep himself unconscious? I am trying to convert my fundamentalist Christian ex boyfriend and he thinks this is the highest form of deception etc As I explained all of this to him I think what he asks himself the most is, why all of this. Is God just bored? Is that the answer? I tried to explain that there are many reasons ranging from self realization to exploration and infinity but maybe I forgot something

I ordered some :') Two years ago I took normal LSD and one year ago I took 30 ug of 1P LSD It was a horrible trip you should take more than that and prepare i.e. meditate be in a good mood have food have hope for life

Since you've read the Books, can you give a summary? Who was Jesus? What did he try to accomplish? What parts of the Bible are true and literal and what are complete metaphor or corrupted?

@Leo Gura So who was Jesus then and what was his deal Do you think he just randomly awoke one day and started preaching and somehow no one was able to fathom the message?

THANK YOU What you describe in the 2nd paragraph has happened A LOT OF TIMES TO ME The video would get low quality, I would see 666 everywhere, Hell threats everywhere etc it fucks with you after some time

I dont know if this works but try a mild psychedelic + holotropic breathing. Or do just the breathing leo has a video on it

I dont really understand your problem. You can now choose to think and do either X, Y or Z. Whether or not on the deepest plane of existence that decision is predetermined is irrelevant because it does not feel that way. Yes there might be a Dimension where everything is literal shit but remember God is infinite intelligence also, we surely wouldnt stay there forever, and we are not there right now either

Amen

@Thought Art genius