KatiesKarma

Sounds good enough to me

@Hojo So what software Update do I need to just feel kind of happy?

Yes, this makes sense.

I, as most of you, went trough life geniuenly believing in Materialism and Evolution. Never ever would I have believed I could potentially have psychotic tendencies until a random Thursday in March Corona year 2020 dramatically changed my life when I had an existential crisis and a severe emotional breakdown. My heart felt like someone stabbed one thousand knives into it and murdered me. The reason was I felt so utterly alone, bored, abandoned and pointless in my own existence that my ego committed suicide and ever since then I have ZERO ACCESS to my geniuene emotions. My perception changed 100%. Everything looked evil and dead all of a sudden. Around this time I stumbled upon Leo who then told me "You are God". This information went straight to my heart and it clicked, but I was terrified and couldn't really do much with this information so I abandoned it, it always stuck with me though. ........................... What do you think happens when someone can literally not feel anything for years on end? Well you guessed at some point I became literally insane. My ego did not only "commit suicide" it fucking went insane, nuts. At some point I saw 666 everywhere daily. Leo was the antichrist, I could see horns grow out of his skull. Every spiritual guru was the devil trying to lure me into falsehood. In fact, the devil had already killed me by making me commit the eternal sin of Blaspheming the Spirit. I geniuenly believed that by the end of a certain year the world would go literally under and aliens would come down to kill and torture all of us. I thought I would get crucified upside down. I was scared of looking in the sky. At some point I tasted rotten flesh on my tongue. I was fucking dead. Or so I thought. .............. On one hand I had the "evidence" that this was happening because I kept seeing the signs everywhere continually. On the other hand it felt so fucking stupid. How could creation ever kill the creator? Was God fucking evil? I constantly thought that this must be total garbage. At some point I broke down wheeping, l told all of this my christian ex boyfriend. I gave him so much evidence yet he would not believe me. "God cannot die nor commit suicide" he would say. Then, I smoked cannabis by chance and out of nowhere I thought "What if I am just dreaming? I am God. I am trolling myself to realize who I am. Infinity" The hallucinations stopped, just like that. I was in three institutions due to this condition, no therapy in the world could ever help me. Truth did. I have hope. I can breathe again. I am free. I can heal myself and achieve literally anything I want. TDLR: I just trolled myself to realize who I am. It worked. Also, mental illness will make your awakening shit.

Today I took five hits from my HHC vape and after 10 minutes I got pretty high. I laid down to listen to music, as i have very nice noise cancelling headphones. After a few songs I noticed how I could turn the music into a 3d ball and fly around it within my consciousness. That was fun, the highlight of my trip was when I listened to "holy" music that worships God, here it got a bit crazy. My whole state of being changed, I started spinning and I saw white lights. I became the music and it started playing in my entire body. 10/10 experience. The only problem I have with HHC (legal THC in Germany) is that it causes lung irritation . And this is just on a low dose. I am experimenting right now, my major goal would of course be to break the wall between me and my emotions.

@ValiantSalvatore If you want you could check out my Psychosis and the relation to the Godhead post where I describe everything in detail. Basically trauma and depersonalization disorder made me enter a mystical state where I manifested Satan trying to kill me Just smoking a bit of pot and thinking about reality and everything that happened to me in a logical and structured manner helps me feel more real.

@SeaMonster noted. This would be the basis of any spiritual progress anyways, a functional daily routine

Just wanted to give an update: my perception is changing right now. I feel more real than usually. Reasons and whether or not it's good or bad I don't know as of now. I feel a bit high and like everything is a joke

Well I didn't do it the hardcore way you are right. Right now in this moment, my daily life is pure chaos haha. literally every day is different, no sleep schedule I get up at random times and what I enjoy most is being on my phone all day etc It's not hard to fix so what habits are the best I would think of getting up at 8am, reading for an hour, exercise for an hour, journal, socialize.. maybe play some guitar... Edit: ok it would be tedious to truly maintain such a routine.

Been there done that, doesn't help Of course I researched Depersonalization in an OCD like manner and did the suggested things. What I need is something that shakes me to the core and breaks that wall between me and the world. LSD and stuff like that...

@Schizophonia Hunger is a feeling in the body signaling lack of energy supply Emotion is purely relational

@Schizophonia I am still human so I still feel some emotion but in such a rare, superficial and broken manner that it is most definitely not in anyway shape or form normal. All of my memories feel like distant daydreams as well.

@LSD-Rumi I don't know the English term but I had Quietiapine here and there. It makes you fall asleep basically instantly. Didn't affect my emotions at all. Just made me feel really drunk and groggy the entire next day. What I think would he a efficient psychotherapeutic Intervention would be a small dose of LSD, laying down and just talking to myself (the different parts within me, in an effort to merge them again) or doing breathwork to completely alter my state of consciousness and maybe find metaphysical blockages.

@LSD-Rumi the cannabis moment happened two or three weeks ago. Ever since, I am good. Still can't feel though.

Lmao the gender does not really matter anyway now does it

@LSD-Rumi of course I do. Ever since this condition hit me I have been to serveral clinics serveral therapists and other type of healers. The only thing that brought SOME relief was realizing I am God. Satans bullying just stopped in that moment and I was able to see a bright white light. That's why I think the delusions were just a mystical state and the depersonalization is indeed the mental illness that plagues my life.

I am a girl lmao Libido is just fleshly lust it means nothing Emotion is joy sadness Depression Anger Connection Love and many more things Lust is like hunger to me

@LSD-Rumi I have a psychiatrist. All diagnosis ultimately cannot point to what I experienced. Nothing hits the nail on the head. Could be depression with psychotic symptoms. Could be depression with depersonalization and derealisation. Could be an underdeveloped ego that has split into serveral aspects. Apparently on the web there are many different definitions of Schizoid Personality disorder. In a book I've read about this tendency also being able to result in total loss of reality etc etc My disorder was not my intention of the post. What I think happened is that I entered a mystical state and manifested total fucking garbage for a while until I could resolve it by smoking pot and realizing its meaningless nature.

@LSD-Rumi ugh imagine having schizophrenia but being incapable of seeing it lol Why would puffing a joint resolve my Psychosis? Why am I able to articulate myself perfectly fine? I have never had problems with this. The more severe indicators such as disorganized speech and catatonia does not apply to me. I stand by the Schizoid disorder. It's a better fit If this happens to me again I would get myself a brain scan and see what that says.

I have never ever read anywhere someone claiming that something like an antipsychotic somehow gave them their emotions back. My whole story sounds like the worst schizophrenia episode but.. It felt like fake demonic possession. It always had the fake Qualia to it that's why I could not get lost in it. I cannot put it into words it's impossible

It's very hard for me to judge whether or not it's schizophrenia. Schizoid personality disorder is not that different from it. My guess is that I am not schizophrenic. I had delusions but I never truly believed in them. I knew they were garbage. I am talking about delusions that kept disturbing me deeply without ever truly believing in them. I took antipsychotics, they removed some of certain hallucinations. Although in my perception that was the delusion itself it's hard to explain

Hello, I think I've posted a similar question on here a year or two ago. Basically, ever since Corona hit (march 2020), I can no longer feel emotions. The moment I "shifted" into this imo lower state of consciousness it felt like my soul had been turned off or sucked away, which is also why I had some sort of Christian psychosis. I now recognize that all of this psychosis nonsense is God (me) deceiving God (still me). Doesn't matter, what matters is that I cannot feel. Like a dead rock I am on the inside, yet my intellect and everything else works perfectly fine. Nostalgia, dopamine rushes, sadness, anxiety, fear, surprise, awe, fascination, interest, all the subtle shifts in consciousness I no longer have. Since I've been morbidly obsessed with trying to resolve this problem I tried a lot of things, prayer, psychoanalytic and psychodynamic therapy, antidepressants, mdma, lsd, weed, speed, cigarettes, meditation, astral projection... nothing. How I even came back to this forum - a few days ago a friend of mine got very high on a substance I don't know the name of in english, and he gave me his HHC vape. It's the same as THC. I took three deep hits and continued playing cards, and as I got up to go back inside I noticed this shift in consciousness. I didn't expect to actually get high but I went with it. On my bed, lost in thought and after an intense dream that felt so real I didn't know whether or not it had happened, I thought "What if I am God, imagining all of this?" Relief washed over me, you have no idea. On weed I had significantly more thoughts than on baseline consciousness, I felt more "alive". I was thinking that 50ug LSD or a few hits of the HHC vape plus holotropic breathing might do the trick. I don't really know whom to ask and where to go. I would do literally anything and everything just to feel emotions again. It would be my most high pleasure and greatest goal in life, just to feel. To fall in love once, then I could die in peace.

I don't know. Something that is similar to Depersonlization and derealization. Total inability to perceive emotions. If emotions were a color I would have lost that ability to see them due to a traumatic injury. Even just truly grasping concepts does not happen like I dryly know things but it never touches my heart or something Nothing about anything makes any sense

I can't really imagine living like this for the next 80 years at some point I would kill myself. What's the point of doing anything if you get literal zero inner reward for it?

(No because some priest once told me he did this for a while in the 80s and it opened his 3rd eye and he started seeing demons everywhere. I can have that just by reading "omens" and I get the result) I guess there more outlandish things I have not truly done yet i.e. kriya yoga and extensive psychedelic therapy. I hate exercise and yoga, because when you are empty like me one minute feels like eternity and you don't really get any dopamine that fuels motivation so it's a pain in the ass. Same problem with breathwork. So basically everything is very strenuous, promises no results and I really need to force myself to do it