KatiesKarma

This really happens rarely, but sometimes you can literally sense when something really bad is about to happen. Missing a flight you paid a lot of money for by a minute, or an actual terrorist attack. (On that note I remember one day walking down the road with another person, we crossed the street and they were unbelieveably close to being killed by an 'emergency car'.) So, now I'm seeing small signs for something good to actually occur, but maybe it's really foolish to believe in fate, and just remain doomed the way I am. Hope I make sense

Thank you.. ^^;

Oh well Literally made a thread called "I'm fucked", so no. Was just tested for psychosis which came out negative, which is good, but other than that my state is pretty much continous despair and depression.

The potentiality of deep Pain and soul destroying fear. Sense of disconnectedness and deep loneliness, in a existential way as well, I guess.

What exactly binds me to it though? Gravitiy, karmic substance, God's Will alone...? Also there are testimonies of Near Death experiences waking up into a different reality with all of their five sense in tact

As far as I can tell there is no meaning to be found. It's just this elaborate piece of art, you are the artwork and the painter all the same

I don't experiment with those anymore and do plan to apply to a few jobs, it's just all very difficult because my mind works at this very low and unintegrated capacity, so I'm not sure at all, how or what I am capable of. I can snort cocaine and enjoy myself a little but can I do paperwork, take care of children in spite of feeling like an literal alien in this society, ugh...

Friend of my mother got some brain infection and spent two months in a coma where he kept seeing demonic figures and faces, now he converted to Christianity and stopped smoking crack (lol). Thoughts?

No not at all

Tricky. Mind can definitely make you 'sick', if you allow that to happen. I can see how that could be reversed as well, but I have no idea about the exeact mechanics.

It's safe to say that these had a profoundly *negative* impact on me and are partly the reason of how I came about in the first place. (Thanks, mom) Two years ago one such lady said that my depression would pass, she was wrong. I'm still considering going to another one because that's what being lost and in despair drives you to do.

Hmm dying just to be instantly reincarnated into some horror movie like world, hell. Other than it seems I have a deep fear of others, of being seen and misunderstood. Existence itself is terrifying in many ways as well.

What book?

@Username he* & nah. He was in a state of waking up, going unconscious and in-between, where he saw those figures. My guess is that drug addiction is actually demonic.

It's not showing the link but depersonalization disorder and c-ptsd go right hand in hand so there is that. On the social issue, people have no conceptual value/weight in my mind. If i talk to someone next to me I remain empty and feel like a schizophrenic actor with no past or future that is oddly calm, frozen. No point in sharing my secrets of knowing theirs, no emotions involved the whole thing is pointless, confusing and terrifying. So yes it's a huge problem that runs my life right now. I will not do the devil laugh tho, I'm sorry. Yes I dissociated as fuuuuck from everything. I still feel my body so that's good

Yes. They are not for me, I am aware that there exists a plethora of different variations but no antidepressant in the world will cure my neglected soul and lack of vitality. Increasing dopamine or serotonin does odd things to me but nothing I deem useful

I took various anridepressants with various catastrophic side effects (leg cramps, dry mouth w constantly wanting to either piss or drink, inability to laugh and feeling even number) soo I don't think they are part of the 'cure' at all. Mhm serious lack of fuel, just stuck like this.

Nah that's the misconception. Dissociation imitates englightment in many ways, but in the end, has nothing to do with it. Yeah I've read about metaphors of this being like the mind pushing the emergency-airbag button and never pulling that airbag back, so that's why we function with 50% capacity. I do feel peaceful as hell which might contribute to my non-action taking. I know under that 'peace', lots of things I am not working trough are hidden so it's like I cannot enjoy this forever.

I do think this is reversible, you just need a few things that I don't really have right now. (Routine, social support, goals, challenge, sports, good diet, grounding exercises, trauma therapy, active expression of emotion) I think I was born with some emptiness or whatnot, but I always felt anxiety and could laugh properly (my whole system was involved). Now it's like the anxiety is numb and the laugh empty, you know the deal. So it was a gradual losing of what little emotions I had over a long period of time via dissociative episodes, actually. Not too sure what you mean in the last paragraph but I think I know. Sometimes people will say "ohh, depersonalization disorder! You have discovered the truth, you ARE emptiness and nothing is real! And you still have emotions, you are just pretending not to! Damn coolio dis is so spiritual, man" This sort of thing has, um, precisely nothing to do with spirituality. It's rooted in trauma and neglect and makes life that much more meaningless and more challenging than it needs to be.

The funny thing is I did everything. Weed, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, lsd except for shrooms. I probably really did it in the wrong context, set and setting as these drugs did literally nothing for me. Except for again showing me how something is simply 'wrong' with me.

I've really tried these sorts of things but it's not that simple, the most important thing for me would be to actually live a life first and experience some safety in social relations but that seems Impossible. No point in writing about my despair and whatnot isolated in my room I don't think I have ever been truly angry in my life. Has my time come?

Well I looked into Harris Harrington who explains the roots of depersonalization disorder. It always has to do with childhood and dysfunctional family structures. My father was a himself abused drug addict, dealer, etc always absent, I received zero emotional guidance and whatnot from him. He then goes on to say that introverted, highly senseitive and depressed people with this kind of backround will develop full on depersonalization disorder with enough isolation and other life stressors, where the brain loses its ability to process Emotion. I "feel" your pain.

Well if I muster some effort I can sense numb versions ofanxiety, some despair, some overwhelm. Irritation too. In response to this prison

Tough question. I always say a time machine or some magic pills. Inner and outter integrity is what I really need and seek but all I have is utter fragmentation and loneliness. An inner spark, some other humans, a plan that doesnt seem utterly miserable. It's really odd how I just don't make any moves at all, frozen in my bedroom.

I guess my problem with these sorts of things is that my soul is so utterly anhedonic, nothing in the bible touches my heart. It's just like reading this long cryptic text I have no real interest in. I have one friend who swears that Jesus prevented his suicide, though.