StephenK

This. Before this truth is realized, a lot of spirituality feels like hitting your head against the wall. Reality can not be truly understood if it is not accepted as it is. I've realized that my years spent on spirituality has been pointless since I never truly accepted myself as I am.

@youngshinzen Have a look at Impostor Syndrome: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome. The biggest thing for me was to realize that what other people think really doesn't matter. Other people are far more flawed than you'd believe. People are wearing masks all the time when interacting with each other. In fact, the more I've gotten to know people, the more I realize that no one is really mentally stable in a true sense. We're all flawed. Embrace it and let go of the idea of perfection in others or yourself.

I must say, I'm not surprised that he is on anti-depressants. I've always sensed a immense sadness in him when he speaks. He also seems to take life way to seriously. I don't resonate with him.

I graduated with a degree in Operations Research, which I assume is the same as Logistics Management. I tended to enjoy studying naturally when there was no pressure/expectations. As soon as the pressure came, my interest dwindled and performance dropped. The better I performed, the worse I felt. As I went on from first year, second year, third year, etc, the pressure just carried on building. My studies started having a 'life or death' feeling to it. I personally decided to take off a year and get into web development in my own time, with the long term goal of being able to do freelancing. I basically said to myself: "I enjoy studying. I know that a basic junior web-dev position won't pay as well as being a Operations Research specialist, but I am willing to accept a lower salary for lower expectations placed on me. If I ever wan't to take on a more demanding role, I know I have the skill-set to do so. Currently I'm doing an internship in web-dev (low expectations), knowing I can go back to studying whenever I want. I personally knew that doing more and more post-graduate studies would leave little to no time for self inquiry/personal development. I also realized that I am not that interested in earning a big paycheck. Think of it this way: you already have Honors under your belt. No one can take that away from you. As for quitting or not, I'd say finish the year (you're six months away from finishing, right?), without over committing your life purpose to your studies.

Interesting. All my low dose mushroom trips have been the most destabilizing. The higher dose trips (4+ grams) have been far easier. To be fair though, I've never tried anything other than mushrooms when it comes to psychedelics. Never gone for a heroic dose either.

I've been doing some lengthy Vipassana meditation in the last week, and there are some moderate perceptual changes that have occurred. I've become aware of my identification with the body and the mind, as well as how crazy that identification really is, and how much suffering it brings. I've realized that all my fear, anger, resentment, attachment, craving and resistance to life makes no sense. Yet, despite seeing this, my ego feels as strong as ever. In the face of all this, a part of my mind just says "So what? You think showing me these truths will change anything? I'm here to stay!". There's a feeling of the ego still ruling the roost, despite seeing into it's true nature. There's a feeling of being trapped, kind of like looking at an image of a spider: you're aware that it's just an image, yet your body tenses up when you see it. How does one get over this? Just give into the steamroller that the ego is? Accept it?

All this sleeping is making me so tired though...better take a nap

So let the ego play out, as it must, but maintain awareness of what is truly happening?

Interesting. Never thought of it that way. That makes sense.

@dorg Yes. There is a sense that the ego tries to co-opt every perspective one might take. You think you're stepping out of it (the ego), only to realize you're right back in it. I relate to the statement 'It is trying to get you involved in thought' -- there is a definite awareness that the mind is being pulled towards thinking, constantly -- kind of like a full-body craving for thought. It sings its sweet song, clouding your awareness, and you then slide into its web of illusions.

When you look at an object, then close your eyes, do you have a sense that the object is still there? When you look at an object, where do you feel yourself to be in relation to it? Is there a sense of there being a 'center' to your experience, or is 'everything' the center? Do you believe your awakened state could be altered if a disease of the mind were to occur (dementia, brain-damage etc.)? Do you still suffer, and what is the nature of that suffering? What is love?

@Joseph Maynor @eputkonen Thanks for your answers.

@Girzo Thank you for your answers. @Shanmugam Thanks for the links and answers. Looks like I've got some reading to do

@Saumaya Thanks. I will reflect on the answers you gave. @Shanmugam Without the words of others (written or spoken), would you have reached enlightenment? Was there no fruit born from the words of others for you?

As you said, most fundamentally we have this present moment, that is, the truth of awareness itself manifesting now. Awareness tends to manifest in different forms (what we would generally call experiences). These discrete experiences have a natural way of unfolding within awareness, one turning into another. I think it is good practice to ask: "What are the qualitative aspects of experience that can bee seen prior to inferring a 'model' of reality?' We can observe that each slide in this show of experiences is impermanent. Because of the insight into impermanence, we see that no impermanent phenomena/experience can truly be taken to be 'self'. More than that, because of impermanence, we know that no single experience will be able to fully satisfy us indefinitely, and thus clinging to said experiences will cause distress upon their dissolution. As soon as we propose models of reality, like some kind of framework that makes everything 'tick', we have a system that will ultimately eat its own head upon further inquiry. My two cents.

I would like to hear your opinions on the three marks of existence, as they are known in Buddhism: Anicca refers to the impermanence, uncertainty or inconstancy of existence in this conditioned realm. Conditioned meaning dependent on conditions - all conditions are in a state of change, not constant, unsteady. All parts of experience - all things and experiences - are dependent on causes and conditions, coming into being, ceasing to be. Nothing is everlasting. Dukkha is often translated as suffering or unsatisfactoryness (dissatisfaction), or stress. Here meaning that nothing (physical nor mental phenomena) can ever bring lasting happiness (or a deeper satisfaction). Holding on to (or craving for, clinging to) impermanent conditions as if they were permanent is a frequent cause for dukkha. Anatta refers to the 'self', often translated at not-self or non-self. Often misunderstood as "non-existence" or "no-soul", this teaching refers to that no phenomena are 'self', in a 'self' nor owned by a 'self'.

I've noticed that many people that claim to be enlightened themselves, or by others, have very distinct personalities (Osho, Tolle, Daniel Ingram, Ramana Maharshi, Leo, etc). That is, there seems to be as much diversity in their temperament as there is in 'egoic' people. Why do they manifest so differently if enlightenment is an agreed upon state of being?

That makes sense. Thanks.

So you acknowledge they are related, but the degree to which I see them as related is far too extreme? Would you deny that living for decades under the ego construct will color ones personality (how they manifest to others), even though ego has been liberated? I am a highly introverted person (largely due to personal experiences during childhood) -- if I ever became enlightened, would that conditioned introverted aspect of my nature disappear?

Thanks for the responses. So I take it then that even though the ego has been dissolved, its remnants live on, assimilated with the body/mind, like faint echos, giving rise to the appearance of personality. If this is the case, then it appears ego will forever leave metaphorical scars or imprints on ones personality.

Surely the acknowledgement of the illusion of self shows that there is indeed no 'agent' involved in anything. As such, the lack of 'free will' logically follows from the insight into not-self.

@snowleopard Thanks for the explanation. @Joseph Maynor Yes I agree, our cultural beliefs can cause unbelievable amounts of confusion and therefore distress. When one observes how such simple insights are kept hidden away in the collective unconscious of the society itself, it is no surprise that so few people in human history were able to see reality clearly. It's like coming out of a fever dream and waking up to the fact that everyone is unconsciously drugging each other. I hope to truly wake up one day.

For the last week or so, I've been trying to let go of the notion of an 'outside world'. I've found that I'm far less inclined to want to make judgements about things around me (although the pull to fall back into the materialist framework is ever present). I also seem less 'disturbed' by the things that appear to happen around me, and far more willing to walk into situations that normally frightened me. All in all, I just feel more indifferent to things. What to expect next? Is it reasonable to create 'maps' for this path? If so, have any of you mapped out this territory, or is this a futile thing to do?