decentralized

@Evoke I never heard of those conspiracy theory hippies you're talking about?

Hahaha me too! The music sounds quite boring but it's okay if Leo likes it. I'd rather go to a psytrance party or something like that

@snowyowl thank you for this recommendation. I actually went out for a short walk after seeing your comment. I agree that there is a hidden gift in all suffering, even though it's hard to see in when the emotions are still strong. I'm actually quite skeptical about the psychiatrist, and I'm not sure if Sulpiride was right for me, but it's still early to decide. I'll check in with the doctor next month if I need to change the medicine.

@Ulax I've done body awareness meditation, haven't tried loving kindness yet

@Nahm thank you, I'd love to do that when you're available

@Advocate by the way you might be doing it too frequently, as far as I know you need to give it a break for 3 months before having a new trip. That substance leads to addiction terribly quickly, so be careful with that!

It's great to hear that MDMA worked for you. My ex boyfriend used to be an ecstasy addict before he met me, his cycle of addiction ended when he tried candyflipping for the first time. I took MDMA with him a few times too, however when we took it the trip quickly turned into sex/porn marathon because that was how he used it all of his life. While it was good to talk openly about pretty much anything, I felt weird and uncomfortable most of the time. He even told me I was the only person he saw that resisted to the high of the MDMA. I wish we used it solely for personal development rather than recreational purposes. Maybe we were taking it too much but I was feeling shitty for a week after the trip ended. I don't plan to use it again for a long time.

@mmKay I think I don't know what this exercise will change in real life. Are we doing this to feel empathetic to the other person and forgive them? To let go of the resentment and accept the situation as it is? Right now I have 0 ways to connect with this person, I have no idea how he feels about our situation but in the answer letter I wrote about he acknowledges my feelings and accepts & loves me as I am, but I'm not sure if it's just a way of creating an alternative reality to feel better about the situation? Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to feel better about all this and let it all go, but right now my vibration is quite low.

I just finished the exercise but I have doubts on its efficacy. I wrote about my ex boyfriend, writing the letter was relieving but I struggled in the answer part. If he acknowledged all these feelings while we were together we wouldn't be in this situation right now. I'm not sure if it'll change anything in real life on his part. Maybe it will, I don't know!

A couple of intense bad trips, loss of a pet, lack of communication in intimate relationships, a bad breakup. I guess Reality was trying to push me out of my comfort zone, I won't resist no more.

Tip: Don't hook up with your ex. You'll seem needy.

Let it all go.

@Rahul 2paradox how do you know if you have internal bleeding? Do you see blood on the napkin when you cough? Either way, you should see a doctor and find out if there's anything wrong with your throat at all. A few years back I spent about 8-9 months coughing without a reason, I still cough from social anxiety although it's very rare. If you find out your situation is psychological, contemplate on what your triggers are but do so without judgment. If you accept yourself as you are, people you care about will also do so.

"some dating coaches say that only betas/guys who can’t get any girls are the only ones who don’t care about body counts" That's stupid.

Thank you so much @tsuki Journaling definitely helps me a lot to process these complex emotions. I think the reason I behaved the way I did is because I was dependent on him from the start, I needed to be my own person and seriously work on my issues but I chose the path of least resistance. Now I need to spent this time by working on being completely independent and emotionally strong. @Khr @Raze Thank you for the book recommendations. And yes, I definitely WON'T get into any rebound relationships, if I do it will just prove him right and I really need to work on my issues right now, another relationship will only give me more problems. I hope he gets back to me sometime, I have a feeling that he will but I need to really fix everything right now. I don't want to get back together with him if we're going to break up again for the same issues, I need to eliminate all of them before asking to get back together.

It was my longest relationship, but it ended because of me. We've been living together since the beginning, I wasn't emotionally mature back then and I'm still not. I get easily caught up with my hormonal imbalances and can't separate them from my actual feelings. Yesterday the best person I ever knew dumped me, and I had to move out. Now I'm living in a shitty dorm and feel completely alone. I know I deserved this. I know I could do better. Yesterday I tried to take my own life, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to make his and my family sad. This situation is completely shitty, the only thing that keeps me sane is that maybe he gives me another chance when I get my shit together. I need to spend this separated time with working on myself and focus on my school, I really don't know what else I can do. He is my home, I don't know how I can be so fucking stupid but I apparently am. I fucking deserved it. I know it's not really possible that he'll forgive me and want to get back together, but this hope makes me keep going.

The pain is unbearable. I want to go back to my home, sleep in my own bed, but I have to live in this shitty place now. I know I had to do this work while I was with him, but I took him for granted. Our relationship was always special and he was the one who introduced me to psychedelics, he did everything he can in order to heal my past trauma, but now it ended because I couldn't be mature and had no control over my emotions. I know it will pass, I know I might sound needy when I say I want to get back together with him but this situation is really new and I'm still shocked. I woke up really early and started crying silently as soon as I woke up. I made a promise to myself that I won't text him. He wanted a breakup, we both need time to think it through and process what happened. When things like that happened before, he got really angry at me but he tried to fix me anyways. I can see that he doesn't want to do the effort this time. Thanks to both of you for your comments.

I've been seeing the signs of depression on myself in the last 4-6 months. This month it started to become severe, my appetite changed 2 times causing me to lose and regain weight in a short period of time. My sleep habits are getting more irregular, I'm feeling lethargic and unmotivated all day, unable to read, watch or listen to anything more than a few seconds even if I want to. Judging myself, unable to socialize, feeling like a failure and all sorts of other shitty feelings that I don't want to talk about right now. I had severe depression before and I know that it'll only get worse and worse if I don't get treatment asap, so I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist. I hope it goes well.

This post might seem unrelated first but it'll make sense towards the end. A few months back, I really acknowledged the fact that I am God. I was listening to Leo's videos and this God theory really resonated with me. However, during a very powerful ketamine trip, I painfully realized that all of these "knowledge" I thought I had were only mind games, I was selectively looking for information that will support my belief that I was god, but even my definition of the phrase "You are God" was problematic, because by saying "You", you are pointing towards something other than "you". I fell into the trap of the subjectivity of the language without being aware of it, and that trip released me from my delusion. I'm not saying that this theory is wrong, I had other experiences which verified this idea, but I realized I need to become much more sceptic and make sure to eliminate my assumptions before adopting other's own inferences as truth. After that day I stopped watching Leo's videos and spend less time in the forum. When I browse the topics I see lots of delusion caused by the same mind games I had, and for some reason some people actually encourage believing without knowing. I remember a topic where someone spoke about his doubts, and Leo locked the topic with just a sentence "Wake up". How are we going to know what's true if it's forbidden to talk against it? Could that be the reason why people think Actualized.org is cultish? Leo needs to stop marketing his ideas as the "highest truth a person ever achieved" because even this can cause damage to people's reasoning skills. What I know is that Truth is ineffable, and whenever you try to communicate it you'll cause lots of misconceptions. Lastly here's my two cents, be extra cautious for solipsism.

@LSD-Rumi I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my kitten to a disease I know how shitty it feels like to lose them. I hope you heal soon.

@Mu_ thank you. unfortunately our furry friends live much shorter than us so the pain of losing them is sometimes inevitable. I believe the only thing we can do is appreciate our kitty as much as we can while it's still with us, take LOTS of pictures / videos, go on adventures together... The good memories we had with our kitty will help us while we're trying to get over the loss. I'm keeping his collar and favorite toy on my desk since he died, we don't have a tradition to bury the deceased with their belongings. If I had cremation service in my country I would probably bury his ashes to the soil of his favorite plant.

I lost my little boy yesterday. He was only 3 months old when I rescued him after he got hit by a car on the street and lost his leg. He was my first cat, a total love baby who loved to cuddle and sleep on his mama. He opened the doors of a whole new type of love which I never experienced before, I'm grateful that I had the chance to be his parent in his short life and all the beautiful feelings we shared together. A week ago he stopped eating and had diarrhea, I took him to the vet and he got diagnosed with jaundice and possible FIP. Me and my family did everything we could to rescue him, during his last day with us the lost his ability to walk normally, he was collapsing while he walk and can't get up. He was crying in every few minutes, my boy was in unbearable pain so we took him to the vet at 6 am to put an end to his suffering with an indescribable burden in our heart. I held him and kissed him for the last time, and my beautiful little boy gave his last breath before his vet could even come to the clinic and see him. I really wanted to see him grow and play in our garden. We decided to get beautiful flowers and succulents for him because he loved smelling them, it was clear to us that he had high emotional intelligence and connection with mother earth. He was only 6 month old when I lost him. I really love my little boy, I miss him so much. Rest in peace my beautiful angel, I love you!

I don't think so

@Loba thank you I really appreciate it

@Loba I can send you his picture from message if that's okay for you, it doesn't feel comfortable to post it publicly here @Raptorsin7 I agree with the 2nd one, death isn't actually "real" but I have those human emotions regardless