I've been debating about sharing, but since I'm so reluctant I took it as a sign to do it! I've been doing personal development work for so long I can't remember a time I wasn't on the path. I'm 51yo and I took my first trip 3 days ago. I chose to set an intention to get clarity on relationships. I've been seriously looking at relationships from all angles for many years, since intimate relationships have been very challenging for me. I've grown a lot, but of course there are still things to unwind. I took 1.5g of Golden Teachers at 8:10am, on an empty stomach. By 8:30 I felt it kicking in. It started out rough because I planned to be alone, except for my boyfriend, but my 22yo son and his friend were home. I repeatedly asked them to be quiet and leave me alone. I got so upset that my bf finally told them to leave. It was a stellar beginning to my inquiry into relationship...People not respecting my wishes and how I react and feel about it...
I sat in meditation for a lot of the time. After about an hour, I went into the bathroom (I was unsteady and felt poisoned) and was shocked at my reflection in the mirror! At this point the crying had been going on for a bit and I looked like a skeleton with skin and straw hair. I stared into my eyes and wept for how I've treated myself in relationships and how I've allowed others to treat me. The toll it has taken is significant. I cried a great deal throughout the trip. There was so much sadness! It was a gray, rainy day and my house plants even looked sad.
I took a walk in my yard. Everywhere I went there were piles of crap that need to be tended to. Junk left to deal with another day. (My bf stuff) It caused me to consider the crap I tuck away in myself and don't deal with... I sat on the wet grass and closed my eyes. It was so quiet and I had the sense I was sitting there forever. When I went back inside, I closed my eyes to meditate again and things ramped up. I felt completely alone. The most alone ever. I wanted to tell someone, and realized 'there is no one to tell because I am all there is'. I wanted to get comfort from someone and realized there is no one. My cell dinged with a text, and I thought, 'who's that?' 'Oh yeah, it's no one because there is no one but me'. I had a notebook on my lap, and with eyes closed I let the pen move across the page. It was not easy because I could hardly feel my body. I had nearly lost all of my senses. The stillness was incredible. The only thing I noticed with my senses were birds. I heard them. I noticed a number of times I became aware of my breath and wondered if I was breathing.
Here is some of my writing- Too much thinking is my addiction. There is no one else. So alone. No one to tell because there literally is no one. My text/phone buzzed. It's no one. what to do now? I want to reach out but to who? It's so quiet. So still. Annoyed but don't want to be-lol. I'm the worst invalidator of my own feelings. Accept myself! I thought I had it. Bwahhh I don't have shit figured out. I'm a hot mess like everyone else. I just know I am. I want to reach out to other for comfort-relationship-but there is no other. There's only me. So alone. What do I want to create in the stillness? So quiet. Birds. Wow! Where did it all go? It's work to move my hand. I can't control my body because it's not here. What's here? This is funny. Do I ever 'go back'? It's so quiet. A blank slate. Euphoric and so sad. There's been no need to waste so much time. Time. The light changed. I want to hear nature.So much ego when I let it. I get to let go of everyone. None of it matters. Quiet. Just birds. I feel so alone. I Am. My 'mind' says find the love. Tired. So tired...
I sat in the same spot for a long time. Sometimes eyes open, mostly closed. When I looked around the room, things looked so different. Like a scene in a move but the reel had stopped moving. I felt totally alone. I remembered Leo saying to share your trip report, but there is no one to share it with. There is no Leo.
As I came 'back' I heard the clock ticking. Very soft talking in the other room. Aware I need more self care. More real feelings. More humanity. No perfection. More love. More happiness. More high vibes. I realized I have always felt alone because I am. I've spent days contemplating how to play in the illusion. Became very aware that I spent my whole life looking at relationships to fill a void in me, but since everyone IS me, it's UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE. Of course I 'knew ' this, but the depth of KNOWING is there now.
I took the day to be quiet and contemplate the trip. I felt weak and light headed, like after surgical anesthesia. The next day I felt great. I have noticed that things seem less solid. Like I'm in a movie. I often think of the movie Funny Farm. The couple wants to sell their house so them pay the towns folk to set up idealistic scenes for potential buyers. Que the deer running across the lawn or the carolers showing up at the door.... Does any one else notice this?
Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy report! It has brought me more insights as I've written this out. I will give it another go in a few weeks at the same dose. Curious.
