Spideymon77

I'm coral and I haven't seen all the videos Leo posted about spiral dynamics yet!

When we learn new fundamental truths about reality we don't learn it the same way we learn when reading a book. These fundamental truths have been inside us the whole time. All we have done is simply access these truths that we've been holding in.

I give too much empathy as well. I don't really have much advice because I'm struggling with this as well. Just know that you definitely cared and the worry that you didn't care is proof that you do care. It's kinda counter intuitive. I had this same worry and after a while of struggling I realized that I was just second guessing myself.

@The0Self I can tell we have the same taste in music. Echo by Trapt? Hell yeah. Not sure if anyone posted this one but here it is anyways. We will never die. Beside you in time.

I just don't feel like judgement is necessary. What does judgement do other than bring more negativity to an already negative situation? Plus, you never know why a person acts the way they do. Leo explained in one video that a terrorist who cuts someone's head off is only acting this way because of where they were born. They don't get to have the privileges we do and they were born in extremism. But that doesn't mean we don't acknowledge the faulty beliefs and motives people have. I will always look back at my old atheist YouTube videos in cringe now because of what I believe. I'll cringe the same way I cringed at religious people. I won't judge myself or them though. Why? Because I simply don't know their circumstances.

I meditated yesterday and this is what happened to me. It made me very excited to meditate again!

Are my actions my own or someone else? Am I really typing this or is something typing it? If my actions aren't my own, do any of my actions mean anything to my daily life? How can I grow if it isn't even me who grows? I can feel myself type. I am moving my hands to type this right now. I am actively changing what I'm saying as I'm typing. I'm doing everything as if I have control so maybe these questions don't really matter. Maybe my have been predetermined but so what? I can't predict the future and I have no idea what's about to happen. If my actions are predetermined, this shouldn't stop me from trying. I still want to try and be better. I still have optimistic thoughts of the future. Maybe these questions don't really matter in the long run. Maybe some questions are just gonna be me constantly running around in a circle trying to answer it but never really answering it. Maybe I just haven't tried enough psychedelics or done enough meditation to find the answer. Whatever the case may be, it feels like I'm in control and if I'm not than this illusion of control is ok. It's ok to not really be in control. It's ok for my actions to be predetermined. It's out of my control. This gives me so little stress, I could hardly care about it. It's ok. Without schizophrenia, I would be so caught up in trying to do the right thing I would've never guessed that I already am doing the right thing from the get go. I've always been acting according to how I want to act. Whether this means predetermined actions or not doesn't really matter at that point. I will flow in the direction the universe wants me to until I'm back to being one again.

If this isn't the same guy, I'll say this. You aren't a loser unless you stop trying. You can find someone online, you just gotta look and keep trying. Keep looking for online dates until you finally find someone and remember that it's ok to make mistakes. Learn from these mistakes and build yourself up from them and you'll find what you're looking for.

This post should be less trigger inducing. Before my schizophrenia took shape, I tried getting back with an ex of mine. I loved her. I was head over heals for her. The problem was, we never really dated in the traditional way. We only dated via texting. She was the first girl I ever sexted, which made me love her even more. However, this relationship was extremely damaging to me because all I could think about is what could happen if we just interacted in real life. What would happen if she talked to me face to face? What if we hugged each other? What if we kissed each other? So many questions, so little answers. Years later, we actually talked to each other face to face and I asked her if she wanted to date me. She said we'd have to wait and see if we're compatible and that was that. A couple of days later, I sent her a picture of me with my shirt off and she liked it. Things could not have gone any better, I thought. I ended up doing something I would later regret. I tried rushing things and that made her not want to consider me a potential boyfriend anymore. The reason I did this was because she dated my best friend a while back and I was jealous that she dated him right away but not me. I kept thinking about my best friend when thinking about her. So, what does this have to do with schizophrenia? A couple months after that whole incident, I was knee deep in schizophrenia and I found the song Somewhat Damaged by Nine Inch Nails. That band plays a huge part in my story. The ending lyrics were "How could I ever think? It's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now. Like you said, you and me, make it through. Didn't quite. Fell apart. Where the fuck were you?" These lyrics gave me disdain for my ex for abandoning me when I needed her most. She wasn't there when I was going down the spiral. These emotions were immature of course, so I didn't really feed into them that much. It was just a heat of the moment thing. My schizophrenia told me that I saw my best friend leave a public bathroom with my ex but it hurt so much to see that, I just repressed the memory. I couldn't believe it. It hurt so bad, I didn't know how to deal with it. This is how insane the jealousy gets. So, what are the benefits? Well, all the emotions I had were bullshit. I fell in love with her because she was the first girl I ever sexted. I hadn't felt that much intimacy before. I fell in love with the idea of her. We never met face to face until later on and that's enough proof for me that I fell in love with a lie I made up. I only realized this after I got schizophrenia. It's almost as if I got schizophrenia for a reason. I got this illness to show me the lies I conjured up throughout my life and how easy it is to make up more lies and get too deeply involved in them. I also realized that I can't love someone I can't trust. I can't love my ex if I'm worried she's gonna go back with my friend. I can't love her with these jealous thoughts. Maybe I can't love her and maybe I don't really love her. My jealousy showed how I truly felt. I was more obsessed with her than I was in love with her.

TRIGGER WARNING One of the worst moments of my life was when I started getting into repressed memories. Oh boy, that was not the territory I should've partaken in. Mediation showed me that I was apparently raped at a young age. Meditation then showed me that because of my rape, I had sex with random women in my life and just forgot about it. I apparently got a blow job from my friend's girlfriend in a public bathroom. When she realized I didn't remember what happened, we had sex to prove to my friend that I couldn't remember sexual encounters. Apparently, there was also a demon who raped me and the everyone in the city that I live in. We were all slaves to this demon and there'd be points where we would suddenly wake up and realize this demon is real, so we'd end up being raped by it. I no longer believe in repressed memories because of this even though many people believe them to be true. A part of me feels like the rape happened, but that was it. But surely it could be possibly I have more repressed memories. What if my brain is not showing me things because I'm not ready for them? What if I'm being raped every hour of every day and I simply don't know it because my brain is repressing it? Whatever the case may be, repressed memories can easily be manipulated. They can warp into something far more dark and twisted then you may initially think. I remember reading about how someone had repressed memories of an alien abduction. That's about as absurd as me having repressed memories of having sex. I realize that if the brain does repress memories then it can repress anything. It can repress entire conversations with people, it can repress powerful moments in my life, and it can repress the worst kinds of pain. Life doesn't have many dangers if I'm just gonna repress the worst of it. Plus, I really can't tell if I am being raped everyday so why dwell on it? So, any benefit to this? The biggest benefit I can think of is that I'm realizing how badly I warp reality according to my fears. This can be extreme like thinking I'm being raped everyday or something less extreme like worrying about if the girl I have a crush on has a crush on me. I can warp what our potential conversation is going to be like and end up not asking the girl out. I can worry about what other people are going to think of this post and how negatively they'll think of me or I can realize people are going to think what they think and their opinions don't really matter to me. My fear warps everything and seeing this happen to the extreme helps me see it happen for less extreme examples.

I always loved interpreting this song to be about the ego.

I am a 20 year old virgin and I don't plan on losing my virginity any time soon. Mostly it's just because I'm not interested.

This is such a great idea. I recommend you follow this advice. I know when I don't know how I'm feeling, I find a song that I really want to listen to that helps me understand how I'm feeling. Sometimes the song doesn't even have to be about what you're feeling but instead it's about your interpretation of the song in the moment. I hold a lot of disdain sometimes and I listen to Starfuckers Inc. by Nine Inch Nails when I feel this way. It's the lyrics "you're so vain. I bet you think this song is about you, don't you?" that really gets to me. If you can't find a name for the emotion, name it by which song you feel like today. For example, I feel like Stairway to Heaven with a little bit of Highway to Hell today. If you're not a musical person, try using colors instead.

@InfinityBeats https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxUU9ulaA9KU_4Oyqig5HpA This is my channel where I'll be releasing music. My first video is up already!

@InfinityBeats I love it! I too am learning music production and learning how to express myself via music.

I hate the argument that our generation is somehow dumber than the next, like we're devolving or something. I disagree, but mostly because of a bunch of personal stuff I don't want to get into. I will say this though, if you're hard on a child that's schizophrenic, you're child is going to despise you if they ever get lucid.

@pluto Due to my schizophrenia, I can't use weed or else I go into psychosis. CBD helps a lot and so I don't go into psychosis yet I still feel relaxed and calm.

I don't want kids and this is just my preference. I don't care much about relationships like I used to and I'm glad I didn't get married. This can always change though, you never know.

When listening to music, schizophrenia warped the meanings of the songs. For this song in particular, Beside You In Time, I thought the song was about holding your breath in order to see an infinite number of yourselves all waking up at the same time. You discover that infinity is real and that you will never die. All of yourselves are also other people as well, you are them and they are you. This remix that I made has a swirling sound that goes in and out of sync with the music, implying the dissociation when coming to that realm. For an idea on what I mean by seeing an infinite number of yourselves, let me explain. Above, below, to the right, and to the left of you are you. You look exactly the same as them with the same clothes and everything. You all wake up at the same time and look around, seeing the infinite amount of yous that are there. This is what my mental illness told me I needed to see in order to wake up from this dream and forget about everything it taught me. I didn't want to forget so here I am now, making music and enjoying my life. Because of my illness, I enjoy Nine Inch Nails now because I get some of their most abstract songs. For example, I enjoy listening to Beside You In Time, The Line Begins to Blur, Dear World,, and The Idea of You.

@vizual Exactly. Some people don't need to know this time around, other people simply won't know this time around. I don't want my friend who doesn't even like alcohol try psychedelics because he simply doesn't want to. He can enjoy his other drug, caffeine, all he wants. I'm sure he could benefit from it as he has an anger problem but it could also seriously damage his life if he and I are not careful. Besides, everyone here is forgetting that perhaps Joe simply discarded the lessons that psychedelics taught him or only believed the lessons he believed were true. Maybe his brain on psychedelics knew he couldn't handle some lessons or perhaps maybe he'll learn them in the future. I know I was obsessed with trying to get people to learn and believe what I believe, but it might not ever happen.

I remember during one of my psychotic episodes, I started becoming solipsistic. I was tired of the fact I was controlling people and that was the only way I knew how to get out of that chair of responsibility. I am the only being that is conscious and the only being that is experiencing, therefor, the pain you feel about me controlling you doesn't matter anymore because you are actually me and you aren't actually experiencing that pain because I am the only one experiencing anything. I was a tad bit crazy.

Bill Hicks is something else. I remember listening to Third Eye by Tool for the first time and the quote “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.” really through me off. Like, what the hell is he talking about? Only after my own experience with drugs did I realize the truth in that statement.

I realized I am God and he's accurate but only according to how I think he described it. I think he described it and matched up my own thoughts on it perfectly. The funny part is, we can't know for sure what another person means when they say things because we can't possibly ever go into their head or think exactly the same way they do. That's why he says in the 'What is Reality?' video, "this can't be described by using words." He's right. But other than that, I'm pretty sure he described it accurately. It all depends on how you interpret his words though.

Their songs Wait and Bleed and Everything Ends are, in my opinion, about the lead singers suicide attempt. He really adds emotional depth into his work by channeling that anger and sadness he felt during that moment.

Through media, we aren't creating movies and tv shows, we are accessing alternate universes.