Yeah Yeah

Alan Watts also teaches to have a quiet mind - These are just venting thoughts but I do my best to avoid going too in depth with thinking these subjects else I may lose myself to potential falsehoods instead of being present in the moment god whatever that means like the present moment is fleeting like I'm just aware in a body prone to death

Death, falling apart, old age, injuries which may be merciless as I get older and weaker, losing loved ones, failures, silly ideas for success which may be nonesense social constructs I live my life to attain which probably misses the point to life anyways, always striving for the next week's paycheck or next year's goals to be fullfilled and a continual disatisfaction and uncertainty about non-existent security in the present. The set up of life enrages me - Time should be slower, no poverty and suffering but more joy than suffering, like illness and injuries which one may have to live out their lives dealing with, uncertanties and just the way we build cities because on some level nature sucks - I mean walking to rivers to collect water, eating animals on mass murder to keep living and populating, its too cold too hot, the rain sucks, the sun can kill, having to wait for harvests to grow if they do, nature disasters, diseases like idk dude I get I am somewhat fortunate to be bore in this current day and age and Country, but like any other time period must have sucked, even today some countries must suck - Idk the universe is too real and too poinant and almost going to come at you with matter that may not matter about you because eventually you die and the matter does not matter about that sort of thing as you become dust Like the large majority of people just die as if they had never existed at all - Like what the hell - I have no say except to be a moving energy towards death and then wow I return back to god perhaps but its like idk what god had planned or if god can make mistakes - I wonder like how does god know - I doubt it - There is definitely uncertainty with god and god has two faces one which is joyous and the other which contrasts it with sadness and the centre point of these contrasts is probably a deep swelling of immense love which encompasses both what could potentially not have ever been at all which is god and a strange thought and the otherside it the joy of god having existed - But idk if the afterlife is pure positive energy as Abraham Hicks or Teal Swan puts it - I think even the god head can experience immense uncertainty and the cosmos at large is an orgamisim attemtping to survive and become whatever it doesn't know itself as being but it too struggles to survive like any organisim on this rock And this survival uncertainty expanding with urgency and insecurity and probably lonliness is just how life is; if that is existence dude in a nut shell like idk will god ever figure itself out or is that why it expresses itself through us to learn about itself (Universe) for some sort of cosmic survival understanding like it too doesn't know where it is or where it came from or if it needs to survive but for some reason it does so like any other organisim

These desire are like invisible energy serpernts twining around my inner being and almost squeezing me with some sort of hormones which have no way to release (Except porn which has been painful to contain as self disipline and even almost impossible and perhaps a waste of time to attempt at all) - And I have to attend to this intensity and instead focus it on being joyous or else the negativity may cause an early heart attack - But why do I want to live past 40 anyways if I have these torments? So on some level I am tensing my heart and injuring myself because why be old and unfulfilled and run down and just about over with life and its just a down hill slope and I'm forced to be joyouse about it when I am convinced on an ego level that I am indeed not joyous about the cards life has given to me (beliefs, anxiety levels, temperment levels, emotional levels - and so forth all these particual unique mixtures I must navigate as my existence and I suck at it; failing myself; displeasing myself)

@Bandman You sound strong bro - I do not know you, but I do believe you can overcome these "physical" twiches and spasms, this does not sound like something you were born with, or something that may be permanent. I'd go so far as to say that if you align yourself with the desire to be socially exceptional you can do it, maybe even in your own way; but maybe Quarantine and social media distracts us from persuing fulfilling social connnections to an in-depth extent to which can spiritually evolve us through change. I believe that if you be mindful of the present moment, and use people as social mirrors you can re-calibrate yourself with progressive practise each new person at a time. That is how I started socializing 2015 coming out of homeschooling, I started by asking people for the time, eventually making jokes and then becoming more friendly with people; and it definitely worked for me at least. Do try the carnivore diet, but I believe with faith in your desire to be more socially attuned you'll develop something from within yourself that is most natural to your default of well being which is most dominant but the human ego is an alert system which if it goes too far away from this natural well being then it becomes shakey like a car steering off on the side road bumps. Dude I will tonight put aside 5 mintutes pray for you Bandman Idk if you have listened to Abraham Hicks, though where I'm coming from is channeling some of her teachings here to you so you may hopefully in some sense align more with your desire to be socially attuned which is most natural to yourself - Side note; after years of listening to this woman, I'm actually converted into looking at the world through her teachings (For many years since like 2018 I had strong doubts, she sounded weird, but at some part of myself I've become addicted to her strange games and I'm hooked to believe it more since these recent months as my life has finally been catching up with my self-improvement efforts to not be in low vibrations and I'm all the more listening to her and being joyous even if my manifestations feel like they'll never arrive) Her teachings is opposite to Alan Watts whom I find most addictive and his is somewhat depressing to me but highly inspiring, as he teaches that there's nothing I can do to improve myself as an ego and instead be this biological organisim and allow the spontanious being to simply express itself with the flow of nature but idk surely the flow of being could be set up differently perhaps idk though maybe listen to Abraham Hicks for example and perhaps something can resonate. Another note; I feel like I am a nice guy, but this hurts me as I look at women as angels in face to face slight interactions but I sense these women are out drinking and having their cheek go rosey red with moans to some stud manipulating her adrenaline through dms and then eventually they come back around to me for example to then settle down and this hurts bro but I have to be happy any ways and play life's strange games because maybe I can actually handle all this but I'm cutting myself short - Maybe this hook up culture is supposed to be me but I'm too christian nice guy wait for marriage idk dude I wish I couldn't care bro but I do and I cannot give up on this desire because that is literally impossible and it'll only swell in greater demands which I suck at fulfilling - Since when has Hell become my antidote???

@RedLine dude it gets so intense bro I could fucking end it dude I could just quit work go home and have a good cry

@Salvijus I am reading the replies still. I have to sort of within my emotions finally flip the switch and feel good about a strong desire I cannot control or have fulfilled you know when I want it - I have to live my life around this desire and even intergrate this desire into my daily life and acknowledge it and let it blossom I suppose.

Also I appreciate hearing from you @Jannes and I also read the other comments too, but too much internet responding to too many people my caveman tribal brain lags somewhat lol

Also disclaimer I am not attracted to younger than 18 - I say 19 to be safest

I am afraid i might go fucking crazy about this single subject - Especially if my mom passes away the only woman ever in my life and only person I connect to if at all a few times a month because she has her own busy life - I feel like there is a point to be drawn in the sand as a human biological specimen which rezigns and gives in - There is a line to be drawn within myself where I say nope, Universe, I'm out - I disagree entirely with your set up and I want no more of it - I should be able to say that to the Universe and not be a part of its cruelty - I should have the freedom to opt out of a system I do not agree with and which does not support me at the finer levels of my existence

Everything I do technically yes it is for myself, but also for women dude - Obviously a level of self actualization if also for dating and women, getting a job, being hygenic, hobbies - Language learning - Ya know - I had money saved, a nice car, like ... not one fucking single fucking woman what the actual fuck

I wish I felt otherwise though it is quite crippling - I'll be stuck dating older women like 24 above which aren't all that attractive imo - The younger the better; been that way throughout histroy; Ancient babylon the riches men bought the first woman on sale as the most beautiful, and then the poorest gets the ugglies - Richer you are the more likely your marriage will last - Throughout histry the rich and wealthy were priveledged to women and marriage. I think the gorvenment should offer services for assisted suicide if this crippling anxiety continues manifesting in the infinite Quantum field deeper levels of unwanted - I mean what if with this depression I kill myself and then I return as someone ugly - Like death is a LOA launchpad and your energy will manifest into something near to the energy you died at - Or as divine source energy do we get to come back as whatever we please; somewhat like Alan Watt's teachings, Abraham Hicks, David R Hawkins, Teal Swan ... probably a few other great teachers to list ... Leo, too ... - Because the latter I mean my mind can only handle so much and I'm okay giving in the flag and quitting this unnecessary pressure to survive with an insatiable tormenting immense lonliness sexual desire for nothing.@Jannes Dude - I am 27 what is my dating range? I want 19 years olds dude who are virgins bro - That is what I want - 24 years above they should be married at that stage imo - I missed teen romance and now I'm probably creepy if to approach 19 year olds? Unless I was rich and clubbing - But idk - The moment it starts to get creepy and I have to date 30 year olds dude I am going to go fucking mad - I will go fucking crazy - Fuck that - Hence I ask Leo if suicde has what preprecussions??? I want an answer - Because I will go fucking mad - I will not fucking handle it or go fucking zen about or fucking mindful about I can not tell my sex energy to fucking stop - You are a fucking dude you know I am not making this up - You can agree with me about this on some level??

@Jannes Sorry maybe you are female

@Jannes I persue my hobbies, I work a job now which I've gotten - I eat strictly healthy - I dance - I'm hygenic, clean house, clean clothes, healthy body - I do attract women but ... nothing really clicks - I never move beyond because I was first born to strictly Christian parents, and my father who I sort of look up to as a sort of God as children might do, homeschooled me, never allowed me to parties, and I don't drink for health reasons, I read a lot, never video games or movies, strictly educational content through YouTube addiction/music - But women don't wait for marriage like I do, they'd hook up with a string of men, and I will only attract a woman I am sexually attracted too since I think of myself atm sexually attractive but hopefully I don't decay so that I only attact single moms or party chicks with high body counts or exes now ready to settle down. I'm stuck thinking sex is for having children, and you aught to have sex with a person you believe you can see yourself having children with Honestly I believe people should wait till marriage, and people should value the marriage tradition - And I think the divorce should be equal, and then I'd be okay commiting - But if I divorce as a potentially successful man since I do take extroadanary care for myself as a high performer for my passions then I may lose it all to a woman - And I know people change over time too, I had a friend who I thought I knew, but as years progressed his background life was changing and the person was no longer the friend I made friends with, sadly he got into drugs, trapped in a mental ward and he worshiped the devil and had delusional conversation, and this was my best friend, and he financially abused me and was a narcissist and this has made me extrememly socially awkward where I continue telling myself I am sane -Covid didn't help either with socializing - I don't even know where to meet chicks bro - Or if anyone is already in a relathioship, or how to afford a date - Honestly if the American dream was still valid today for Wester societies I should be married bro by about now technically if the government actually gave a damn about their own people instead of spending trillions to overseas territories ... U.S. military spending/defense budget for 2022 was $876.94B, a 8.77% increase from 2021 World Food Programme (WFP): They estimate $40 billion annually is needed to achieve Zero Hunger by 2030. Planet Earth with war, us eating meat animal slaughter especially fast food is almost satanic dude for all humans to mass populate and thus mass slaughter animals for our own benefit like wtf dude - Global warming - Hm what else about existence as a human is unnerving and almost as if created by a narsisstic god ... Oh plus big tech giant manipulating my internet addiction to make me angry for more engaement - They have my personal information and are creating SUPER AI gods bro - Like wtf - In five years Earth may freaking end dude - Super AI Quantum Gods Autonomous in 5 freaking years wtf bro - Who the fuck does that - Some people bro like wtf

@Jannes I probably would; I'd dive into it dude - I'd exhaust my engine bro, and experience every which way until it's thoroughly out my system - It'd be a freaking celebration if I could have at my fantasies/desire which I cannot switch off desire because even that too is a desire - So I'm stuck with desire whether society talks about it or not - I cannot switch it off - I think it daily a 1000 different ways so it strings into painful yearning - and I feel powerless about it, I feel like I have no power over these unmet needs and yearning, and I'm alone with sometimes (Often times like I called beyond blue to help with suicidal emotions while at work I could have quit and just died) ... terrifying thoughts

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Yo there is the side of "Satan" if you will now in the comments - or in other words the left hand or reason has emerged - with an opposing point that sex should be satisfied, or I'll become more depressed. I already feel the depressed rage and I continue practising hobbies and making money and what not, but still I could fucking blow up. Which is it guys, society is fucked, or I'm fucked?

@r0ckyreed Dude you tapped into some mysterical conciousness to talk about bees as this is a reoccuring theme in my experience of the Universe - Thank you for your wise words, like many of the other responses there is wisdom shared and worthy for contemplation, and your response for example has definitely further eased my heart. You're right about the culture being toxic, too, and another response said we're still sort of medieval in a technologically adancing society, and someone else was talking about how people are unable to really connect due to continual needing to survive. So I will continue developing my best self and as Jesus says "Worry not about tomorrow" so this will be my practise too, and maybe changing me the world will change too.

Thanks everyone for all your responses, (Many of the responses were real insightful and appreciated) as I've read them and contemplated them often these past few days for intergration ...

@Salvijus Thanks man - I appreciate these alternative perspectives, my own mind while alone stresses different possibiliies but I like what you might be saying about this - I gotta chill a bit more I suppose lol gheeze

@numbersinarow Some people out there like that; may the divine have mercy on their sufferings

@integral Okay, thanks for your response - This is interesting news to consider - Appreciated

If suicidal is a solution then it may end this inner torment - nor do I want to go to therapy - Like my inner world is a raging bull sometimes in a labrynth of complex conceptializing idk if thanks to Acid for example - But if suicide ends this horror film, that might be a solution, right? Seriously, I want an answer to this, and Leo you're the most enlightened intellectual I can reach out to for an answer, as youtube is limited, or even your subsribers too, thanks. Like why don't I just end it, this rage sometimes could do it if with the right means Like once a week I call suicide hotline almost regularly to get it off my chest otherwise I could maybe go mad dude

God you are hot

@at_anchor Reading your words has caused most of us brain damage