BeHereNow

Personally I'm just getting bored of Actualised.Org and there's just a bunch of stuff coming from Leo I just personally find disagreeable and quite offensive considering how """Awake""" he supposedly is, but I know how to pick my battles and choosing one with an internet guru isn't one of them. Let's just say I found my values and a lot of what this site stands for clashes in some areas of mine, to which I hold dear. So I'm just gonna leave it at that and politely request for this account to be permanently deleted. Many thanks in Advance.

Ever since I've been introduced to spirituality, awakening and actualized.org, I've always wanted to tell my story to someone, anyone, about awakening and God but I've always struggled. The words come in my head, I can picture it as a gigantic platinum pyramid made up of a 1000 golden pyramids, but before I can say anything it slips away into the wind, never to be seen again. It's heartbreaking, because I know deep down I have a worthy story to tell and I'll admit, it does get very lonely having all of these insights and life's greatest small things to yourself. But then I thought to myself, why does it need to be some post on actualized.org, why does it need to be some cheesy non-duality video on YouTube, or is it even worth having this conversation with someone who "gets it"? Why any of those things, when it could a grand sci-fi fantasy epic? The vastness and loneliest of the cosmos, encountering strange and menacing beings, the great fight between good and evil and venturing on an Eon long Oddyesy to find the Truth. That's all I'm gonna say. I've had this idea of a fantasy universe for years now but I've never really done anything with it, but applying it with my own awakening experiences has given me the torchlight to see how this story can only be told. It can't be any other way. I'm not a writer and the idea of writing an epic if this scale is one hell of a daunting task for the mind and psyche but once you've found something you know you'll regret never doing, it's something that's got to be done sooner or later. I suppose I would be receptive to any nuggets and insights into the hero's journey, finding the truth and having nothing left to lose, if that makes sense. Anything will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

@Leo Gura Well, that's true we do have a high suicide and suffer a lot from self hatred. The difference is the hatred is more internalised than external. Take a look at this way, the right has pushing this anti-trans narrative for years now, calling us groomers and all sorts of nasty things I won't repeat here. When you see public figures and celebrities jumping on the bandwagon, exaggerating how "woke" and "snowflakey" we are and you see politicians pushing forward laws that intend to push us away from public life, on top of that you already have gender dysphoria and may have family or friends that disowned you for being transgender, of course you're start hating yourself.

@Leo Gura There's several reasons why there isn't many trans shooters. 1: Trans people typically make up less than 1% of the population. We're pretty rare in the wild. 2: You have to do great deal of personal development and character building to have a successful transition, goings through the aches of pains of a changing body, psyche and people treating you differently than before, both positive and negative. In my own experience it's like a spiritual awakening and rebirth at the same time. School shooters typically aren't well developed people and more often than not they're cisgender men with no healthy coping mechanisms for their mental problems. 3: Bigots already hate us without any reason, we're normally smart enough to not give them one.

Do you ever have those dreams were you're all alone in a quiet place at night? Perhaps your in a walking in a long stretching corridor in a hospital, with only the fluorescent lights and the echoing sound of your footsteps to keep you company. Only just 30 seconds before you said goodbye to your beloved sister and kissed your newborn neice on her forehead, but between then and now it might as well been millions of years. Maybe you're idly browsing for food and toiletries in a supermarket 20 minutes before it closes, nabbing the discounted products they usually sell at that time. But, the place is almost so empty and the space so open that you could shop for there forever without feeling you've lost any time. It's yours and yours alone for infinity. At one time of the day, you're sitting outside of a coffee shop with your dear friend chatting away for a hours at a time. The details don't matter but her company does. Other shops and market stalls are open, people and their carefree children are going about their daily lives and the weather is turning crisp and cold, ready and waiting for wintertime. The sound of that particular merchant chanting variants of "Two packs of bananas for a pound! A pack of grapes for a pound! " is lazor burned into your memory, something that's resonates from the earliest of your childhood. If any time of the day feels alive and busy, it's right now. But you and your friend part ways, promising to meet eachother the same time next week. You go about the rest of your day, doing different things and going to some other places. Like visiting your sister and neice in the hospital or getting the late night deals at Tesco before it closes. Later on in the evening nearing midnight you return the same place as you walk home, but this time it's dark, the shops are closed and the streets are all deserted. All the people you seen that day, including your friend, are all at home in bed and going to sleep. You however are still there, the only one in the world that remembers that this dark place and lonely was full of life and light just hours before. But it's all okay, no need to be melancholy. It's all just a Dream.

I've been guilty of this, I've even spat my dummy out and left this forum for a time when I perceived some on here for being transphobic. I've done some serious growing up since then and made attempts to be more understanding of others questions and sincere concerns. But to give you a perceptive of someone who is transgender, it can be anxiety inducing when political pundits, tabloids and governments play around with trans culture war like a soccer ball. We're at this stage where a lot of society is accepting but a good chunk isn't either and if one day society as a whole just decides they don't like this transgender stuff at all, they can honestly get rid of it quite easily, quickly and quietly, we're that small of a demographic. There wouldn't that much pushback either because understandably most people have bigger priorities than the lives of trans people, even if they are allies. It's anxiety inducing because if gender affirming services are made illegal or I'm forced to detransition by the state, it's something that will probably drive me to suicide in the worst case scenario. The best case my life would be unhappier and dysfunctional. It's hard to explain gender dysphoria to a cis person, but living and being socialized as a male is so repulsive to me that it feels harmful to the body and psyche. Imagine if a misandrist government decided the existence of men was illegal and they forced you (Leo) to transition into a woman both socially and medically, even though you know deep down in your soul you are a Man, it would give you severe dysphoria to the point it would cause damage. You would probably feel suicidal too. There is an argument to say this is an exaggerated fear of my many transgender people, but when you have popular figures like Jordan Peterson, JK Rowling and Matt Walsh nonstop fear mongering about us with a clear agenda to get rid of us of someway, you can see why many people like me can't stomach any debates about transgenderism that can be slightly touchy. We are still in vulnerable position so to speak.

@Kuba Powiertowski well maybe not for a couple of decades yet, who knows

Not in this century

For hot drinks, nothing beats a Hot Chocolate ?

If money is the only thing that eases her pain of alienating everyone, she must be one hell of a miserable person to be around. I pity her.

Twitter is a toxic platform. Musk is a toxic individual. Of course they would attract each other eventually, it's a match made in Hell. All these culture war warriors both on the Left and Right are having a field day fighting over their fleeting ideologies, it's honestly the only reason why some people keep going in life. Otherwise they would have nothing to live for. If you look at some accounts on there, you can tell how terminally online they are. They will never realize it but the numbers don't lie. It's sad in the existential type of way. The most important thing is to stop playing their game. That's how you win.

Describing the ins and outs of the metaphysics of awakening is... well, there's no point, who am I really talking to other than myself? But experiencing the fact that life is an infinite fractal with no limits, none of my mistakes or regrets really matter and just having this gift of consciousness, I honestly can't find any reason to be sad, bitter or miserable about anything these days. The things and people that still annoy or make me angry doesn't come froma place of resentment but a fiery passion of opposition, the things that make me sad I make sure don't drag me down and I can't stay in a bad mood for very long now. For example, some people at the shop today we're laughing at me because I'm visibly a trans woman and I didn't really bother me at all. It came and it went, no big deal. If that happened to me five years ago, that would have ruined my entire week. Not many trans people now wouldn't be able to handle that as well as I did. If I told them why such things didn't bother me, they would call me insane! It didn't happen over night, it took a long time from my first major awakenings to now to truly a get a grip of my emotional wellbeing. Although I will concede that awakening doesn't cure depression, that's an entirely different beast to sadness altogether but even then, it's something to arduously march through for me. A challenge of consciousness, you could say. The knowledge that I am this infinite field of awareness, which literally reaches out throughout the cosmos and beyond, it's hard to feel bad about the little things in life. I'm not awake as most people are here, I feel like I've ruined my chance to take psychedelics responsibly because of my addiction to weed. Hopefully one day when I'm more responsible and developed as a person, I can dive deeper and see what Leo is really talking about. Sorry if doesn't as deep or insightful as other posts here, but to be honest it's also taken me a long time to fully articulate all of this into a post. About a year and a half long, yeah it's that's hard to put into words. Also I just happy I can share this progress with others here. I never thought life could be like this, something that is inherently Good. Cheers

@Leo Gura Are you so sure about that? Surely if anyone would capitalize on Conservatives ditching Trump it would be him. Also at this point it would be suicidal for the Republican party to fall inline with Trump again.

By doctor's orders, I have to quit weed with immediate effect. I get withdrawals real bad so I go on long walks to help ease the worst it. I decided to go down memory lane and walk by my old highschool, what amazed me was seeing how different everything was. The cheap outdated buildings I was so used to seeing for a good chunk of my childhood were gone, replaced by a more modern and slick complex. I wouldn't be surprised if all the teachers and staff I once was familiar with are gone too. Even the name is different. The place and time that I now hold with nostalgia no longer really exists, only after 9 years. I will admit it's a very sad feeling I wasn't expecting to have. Then I took that sentiment and placed my shoes in a elderly conservative, someone like Jordan Peterson or even my grandparents. Their childhoods, hometowns, friends, schooling, struggles, triumphs, music that would have been new to them and other things they thought were normal... Not only its all gone but the world is rapidly changing before their eyes. It must be a sadness more intense than mine, probably existentially terrifying too. I always say to myself, "I'll never be a conservative, I'll always make sure I'll educate myself throughout myself and not become ignorant like my boomer grandparents." But having this insight changed my understanding of the issue as I get older and the world rapidly changes even further, I might be even more scared and confused as them. I probably wouldn't want to understand by that age. Conservatives can be horribly bigoted and cruel at times, but I understand (even if it's just a little taste) why their concerns should be taken more seriously. It's a very humbling experience.

Leo says JP has a lot of honesty and integrity for a rightwinger. That's probably true, he's definitely smarter than the average person I would suspect. I've seen a few videos where he's charitable to differing ideologies like Islam but when it comes to transgender people and transgenderism, suddenly it's an evil ideology and we're all evil people. Just took a look to see if he's ever had a conversation with a trans person and to my knowledge he hasn't, he's spoken to plenty of people who have an interest on pushing anti-trans agendas to wide audience though, funnily enough. I'm not buying this crap that the left misunderstands Mr. Peterson, I think they understand him perfectly fine for what he is. Now if people wanna listen to whatever he has to say on anything, I think people should and he should have the right to say anything he on his mind, no matter how hateful. I think he's a shameless grifter using peusdo-intellectualism as a cloak for his bigotry. I don't want to listen to people who think I'm apart of some ideology to destroy the west just because I'm transgender. Perhaps you should compromise with people who don't quite understand and maybe feel a little resistant, sure, but when you have JP saying Elliot Page's surgeon is a butcher and keeps constantly fighting this anti trans culture war for years now on big platforms, are you really that surprised when many trans activists and people on the left want nothing to do with him?

I think she's just a pick-me and a grifter, although her staunch stance against pedophilia and child grooming is commendable.

@Danioover9000 @Danioover9000 (Sorry about the gore above not sure how to get rid of it.) Some interesting stuff in this thread to consider, a few new angles to look. I don't think JP is evil by any means if that was the impression I gave, I have a very strong bias against conservatism and I just think most of the ideology is repugnant (while other parts of it I find admirable). I'll admit there is some resistance for me to fully understand it, although I probably should for my own sake.

I don't see how his sudden jump into the spotlight excuses him of being a hateful grifter. Also it's not like his points can be presented in a more civil way, his points are why people find him repugnant. Maybe it's a little hard for a non-trans person to understand because there's a few of us to relate too, but when you have someone call Elliott's Paige's surgeon a butcher for simply performing top surgery on a consenting adult, it sets off so many red flags and alarm bells that what ever else that person says that can be considered a "good point", it's irrelevant. It just comes off as Nazi-esque to me.

I know the post will ruffle some feathers on this forum, I've seen some closed minded comments regarding trans women in sports and trans kids in other posts but screw it, I or anyone else shouldn't be apologetic about their right to exist. We certainly shouldn't bend down to conservatives because of their twisted abrahamic worldview and how much they dominate every space of the internet and media in general. Transgenderism scares authoritarians because if someone can decide for themselves who they are on a fundamental level such as gender or sex, they can't be intellectually controlled or exploited whether cis or transgender. In a sense they are completely free to think for themselves. That's why christian conservatives in particular are terrified of us because they subconsciously fear their children thinking for themselves when they grow up and realizing how BS their parents worldview really is, and trans rights is the biggest threat to that ideology or any status quo really. It's why you've seen this massive, almost industrialized push by conservatives politicians, the media and certain grifters to denounce trans rights in any way imaginable. If people can convince you can't decide your own gender identity, then they can convince you can't do other things. Take trans women in sports or in women's bathrooms. Conservatives love this talking point because if they can normalize banning trans women from public spaces or events, what's stopping them from normalizing discussions from banning black people from using the same things as white people? It don't think it's hypobolic to say that, we've all seen how racist some rightwingers are. And I believe that's why they love the women's sport issue, they don't give a shit about about fairness but they can convince a bunch of people that it is about that, it'd be easier for them to start talking about how black women have an unfair advantage over white women. I mean just take a look at the Supreme Court ruling on abortion this week, some GOP politicians have suggested bringing back race segregation and banning same sex because this type of Fascism is being normalized. I believe when someone say Trans women are women, it's not just a message of solidarity and support but also a way of saying you cannot manipulate and divide people at the funder mental level.

@Jannes Trans people like me and your friend can't go a minute without our legitimacy or existence questioned or laughed out, it's really humiliating and degrading. No wonder the suicide rate for us is so high. After a while I'm questioning whether I'm respecting myself being on this forum or not, I don't think I am. Yh fuck it I'm done with forum and actualized.org, y'all can fun with your culture war bullshit. I'm better than this. @Leo Gura thank you for all of the content you've put out throughout the years, it's been life changing for me. Take care.

The amount of time and money I wasted on that fucking machine, on games I knew I deep down I didn't enjoy sitting through and just the weight of the thing on my shoulders that was slowing me down, both figuratively and literally. As soon as I lunged that thing onto to concrete over and over again, I felt like some part of me was set free. I've never in my life have I felt a good as I do now, knowing I can be free from material shit and crap that just collects dust. Just. Like. That. Within a blink of an eye. The amount of corporate propaganda brainwashing me into thinking I needed it, I can see it for what it all is, just unconsciousness invading consciousness. Yes, it was definitely done out of pent up anger and frustration and not to make some profound statement. I live in the UK, it's not a very friendly place for transgender people, people are just really rude in general and I'm exactly the most mentally stable of people if I'm being truthful. But fuck it, it's out of me now and I honest to God feel good. Maybe minimalism isn't such a bad idea after all. I'd like to own a home where it'd be impossible for burglars to steal from. The capitalist propaganda machine shoves this idea we need possessions and nifty gadgets because of well edited adverts and emotional manipulation. I say, you don't really need much at all to be happy. My records, CDs, dvds, other games consoles and other useless stuff that wastes time won't meet the same fate as my Ps4, I will donate to a charity store for some other foolish sod that believes they need it. I'll find other things to do with my time. Gosh, the money I'll save from just nothing. It's almost too good to think about.

02/07/22 Went another run early this morning. It was hard work, I was drenched in my own sweat and my legs killed when I was done but it felt good paradoxically, knowing I did it for a second time. Perhaps listening to Vaush commentating on that January 6th commission thingy took my mind of most of the effort. When I went out for shopping, some jesus freaks with microphones were preaching about how the government is putting something in vaccines to control us, saying they knew the Truth, blah blah blah, Jesus will save us all. Yeah right. They were sharing the "good news" right outside Greggs and when I went in, I asked the lady working there how she could cope with all that nose and commotion all day. She just laughed it off, I guess she had more patience than I would have. The one thing that gives me hope about the UK compared to the US is that we don't really do God in the traditional sense (like going to church or pretending to be Christian at all) and preachers in general are just seen as weird and annoying. If the government starts shoving the Bible down our throats, I don't think it'd fly at all. I also had to endure phonecall after phonecall of relatives going into boring diatribes about drama or sports. I don't know how many times I can say "mhmm" or "wow that's crazy" before they figure out I don't give a shit. Eh, if it makes them happy chatting waffle to me for 20 minutes, who am I to judge? Really feeling the absence of video games since either destroying or donating them. I feel like I'm just twiddling my thumbs, struggling to find something to do. It's gonna take a while before I can adjust without them. Just an hour ago I almost fell to temptation and I nearly ordered a draw of weed. Thankfully no one was around to sell anything but my mind drifted towards cigarettes and alcohol. Nearly fell in their traps too but I thought, why waste the effort of running this early in for poison? What was the point of doing in the first place? I just looked at the cash in my hand and realized, when you start trying to live more consciously and spend wisely, money honestly becomes worthless most of the time. I took a sigh of acquiesce and soldiered on home. Honestly, a mixed bag of a day.

01/07/22 Tried selling my Xbox series S to pawn shops and CeX but no one would take it for a decent price, so I donated it to a charity store. It probably isn't everyday the old man volunteer sees a youngster willingly give their games console to a cancer research, to be fair it isn't everyday I see an old man working anywhere. I think he was from the ww2 generation or something, he looked really old. Any who, I'm glad to be rid of such time and money wasting machines. I also bought a pair of running shoes today. I made good use of them, I ran about 2-3 miles I think. I charged up a hill and down another. I didn't push myself too hard, I gave myself a bunch of walking breaks but if I seen a lamppost in the distance that was my goal to run towards it. It was a very rewarding experience, a lot of energy and a lot aches and pain, but it was worth it. I bumped into my grandparents on the way, they were on the way home from the pub. I was too out of breath to really remember what was said but I said "it's not about losing weight, it's about keeping fit" and my grandfather said something on the lines of "the truth shall set you free". He's always been a very quotey man like that, but what was more surprising was my grandmother saying I love you when we departed, she's always been quite distant and detached. She must have been quite happy to me see getting off my ass and not smoking weed for once I guess. Just at my sisters at the moment taking a breather, got my baby niece crawling all over me bless her. After that gonna run my ass home and retire for the night. So far, it's been a good day.

@Leo GuraI'm glad you can finally see it Leo, the way he spoke about Elliott Page in particular was absolutely disgusting.

@Raptorsin7 well if it's real then there's a lot of people in the closet. I mean think about this way, why do you think trans ppl can come from any race or culture, through out all of history mind you, but trans racialism doesn't seem to be a real thing at any time? And if it was a real thing, yeah sure why not, they're not hurting anyone. Live let live.