Judy2

i correct my statement...this isn't just sad, it's extremely sad. to be staying at a house that two people who loved each other have made a home and lived in until they died. i wanna take EVERYTHING and take it home with me, or else it'll all go to waste. i want my grandma to know that i care about her belongings, and i see the love attached to them. her little spoons and trays and picture frames, the sun magnet in the kitchen,... maybe it's a bit shallow that this is all tied to objects now. i have little to remember them both by, anyway...except this house, which i seem to know inside out, now that i'm here again. or maybe i'm just sad for my childhood, at this point, more than i am for the loss of my grandparents - i've made peace with that a long time ago.

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i'm at my late grandparents' house now, and it is much sadder than expected. it's such a lovely home, with so many details, so much love put into it. in a lovely town, too. and we'll just have to tear it all down (only metaphorically speaking, in this case) and abandon it. guess i'm also exhausted from the train ride, which was much longer than planned because someone committed suicide on the tracks, so we had to re-route. i had planned to leave again tomorrow, but i think i'll stay for two nights, maybe go shopping and walk around town tomorrow, visit the graveyard.... and appreciate this place one last time? the funny thing is, i was expecting zero emotionality, but now it sort of hit me. i guess i didn't even remember all the things i could miss here, and now i immersed myself right in them - to stir it all up and miss it even more after that, i guess? it's been ages since the last time i was here. i was like 16, and that was just for one day, we didn't even stay the night. it does feel sad, to stay here, now....knowing it'll all be gone right after.

sounds good:)

okay, i get that i hope future generations figure out how to resolve this issue. it affects a lot of people, from what i have heard.

this afternoon, my mum and brother came by and picked me up to drive to grandma's. the car ride felt surprisingly positive, almost like those times all those years back when my brother and i were still kids and mum drove us on the same route to get to her parents' house for the summer holidays. we chatted and joked, and these moments of connection felt good. once we arrived - a few hours later than planned - i got to work in the kitchen straight away to prepare a late brithday cake for my mum. a Charlotte Royale. very stressful, but i guess i wanted a challenge:) tomorrow, i'll have to work for a little bit, finish the cake, and then i can relax for the rest of the weekend.

is she happy with her job, overall? does it seem meaningful to her despite the stress?

i'm friends with a few doctors and they are all completely overworked - even when pregnant. some of them become ill because of their night shifts or are close to burnout. therefore, i think a key aspect of reforming the health system should entail prioritising the health of the nurses and doctors that the system itself is comprised of...otherwise, it's just completely backwards, to keep a "health care system" running at the expense of people's health. another aspect should be making more time for proper doctor-patient-interactions. most doctors enter the profession with a great deal of idealism and they would like to make more time, it's just that the system makes it really hard for them to do so. i spoke with an orthopedist a few days ago and he seemed quite competent, but he was in the room with me for about 3 minutes and had to run off before he could properly explain to me what's wrong with my legs. i do believe that 3 minutes were enough for him to form an impression, but it was not enough to explain to me what was going on, and he was in such a rush that he wrote down an incorrect diagnosis on my letter (something to do with the shoulders, rather than the legs). there were four rooms and i think he had to rush through them in 4-minute-intervals all day.

i feel sad and heavy. i am worried - overthinking too much... cause i'm unhappy and i want to know how to solve it. kind of depressing to see how much i can try to solve it, and nothing good ever comes of it. not in the long run, anyway. in the long run, i always fall back to "what the hell am i even doing here".

maybe bored is the wrong word. i've been having pms and feeling down for days. don't quite know whether to force myself to get up and do something, or allow myself to take things slow. either way, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. i feel so low, and nothing i try seems to change that, for now. my head spins some weird stories and occasionally interjects "i don't want to live any more", even though i know i don't mean it.

the pathways are getting more and more familiar to your brain/mind. once you have found them, it's a whole lot easier to find them again and again, retracing and deepening them.

i feel very empty, and bored.

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies. Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat. What dread hand? & what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what dread grasp. Dare its deadly terrors clasp? When the stars threw down their spears And water'd heaven with their tears: Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee? Tyger Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night: What immortal hand or eye, Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

sometime in December, when i was little, grandma was staying with my parents, my brother and i. one afternoon, she dragged me to the train station. i was so young, i didn't even get the objective and thought it was just a walk. then i saw a man with a cap, pointed at him and told my grandma "look! that man looks just like grandpa!" and she yelled with joy, "yes, that's him!".

still feeling bored, so i started rewatching Downton Abbey. it's messing with my head a little and has me wanting to speak in a posh accent even more than usual. good heavens. i also pulled out my late grandma's iron and ironing board to iron some clothes and a piece of fabric i would like to embroider on. i hope she is looking down on me to see that her possessions are still appreciated even after she is gone....and i think of her, and how these used to be some of the objects her daily life centred around. at first, it felt a bit vulgar to ask my parents to bring me these objects from the house, but now i feel that this is a legitimate way of honouring Hannelore. i feel more connected to her now than i had felt during those fifteen years when she was still alive, but comatose.

ok i didn't know that. thank you.

Every time I try to fill in a form for my taxes, I am astonished that these forms are even legal. I finished high school with the equivalent of a 4.0 GPA and went on to university. And still, I have no idea what they are even asking, what legal paragraphs they are referring to, or what half of these words mean...and I relied on ChatGPT for at least half the form. Is that smart? - No. Can I afford an accountant? - No. How is this possible? There are people in this country, I assume, who are less intelligent or educated than myself - how can we expect these people to even remotely understand what the government wants them to fill in on these forms, when even someone with a good education can't understand??? Why are we making taxes so difficult, why can't the state just ask normal questions without using complicated technical terms and figure the rest out for themselves?

the website does explain some terms and phrases, but i feel like these explanations themselves need some explaining. thank you, though:) that sounds a little more optimistic.

there is no such thing. i believe the office is not even allowed to answer explicit questions to help with the forms. if you ask a single question, you have to wait for weeks and receive a letter to inform you about that. i guess the office has to stay "neutral". an accountant would charge me 300-500€, and i barely make enough to even have to pay taxes.

i meant: brains consist of fat and water. (plus some sugar and protein).

your brain is also fat (and water).

i am trying really hard to figure out an appropriate response lol. thank you, but i don't want anyone thinking that lemons work on me?

i'm not really happy today. i was happy for a very brief moment, after speaking with a doctor who was quite kind and who wrote me a letter so that i can have my legs checked by an orthopedist (because of my shin splints). then i went to a yoga class, which was very frustrating. it's supposed to be for beginners, but it was all way too fast, i hate how i'm supposed to listen to the whole "right arm to the left, left leg to the right, then up..." ... for a whole hour, do the exercises while watching the instructor (when the poses involve bending my head...)...and i feel judged by the instructor whenever i don't manage or when i'm out of balance and not stable enough. i went home, i feel so bored and lonely, all my friends are on holiday....i haven't properly connected with anyone in weeks. in the evening, i pushed myself to go outside again, but there were too many people and i felt very annoyed. probably pms. i'm kind of depressed now. bored and stressed. there are a handful of things to do, including my tax report and some applications, and it's all very frustrating because they seem to be never-ending projects that i can never quite get over with. everything feels pointless, i spend too much time thinking about money, which is completely useless and not even helpful in any way. ugh. body image also sucks - funny how that can change in just 1 day.

okay, i'm glad... when i posted this, i wasn't sure if it was cringe enough. ...this would be fire to watch on lsd, though.

these past few days, body image has been a little better than usual. i have had the time to go to the gym more consistently, and i also challenged myself to go to some yoga classes. there are a handful of things about the setting of a yoga class that make me deeply uncomfortable, but in general this has felt like doing something good for me and my body.