Judy2

i dreamed of my late grandmother again. and again, in my version of events, she was given one day, fully alive, awake, and well, before she died. i wonder why this keeps coming up for me, and what it's meant to symbolise. guess it would have felt "just", it would have felt appropriate, though nothing short of a miracle considering her coma. i also saw the bill for her funeral on dad's desk last night, which might have contributed to this.

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i'm training for a 13km run, and what i have noticed so far is that the physical exercise is the easier part. what's much harder is the mental aspect of motivating myself and busying my mind during the 10, 20, 30 min on the treadmill or outside. (10 is just post-workout but it's long enough to get me bored and i could go longer physically, if it weren't for my mind.) music helps a little bit, but not that much. podcasts are a bit too slow-paced. last time i went running with my brother, who's super fit, i begged him to tell me something interesting and he just went "no, you have to learn to deal with the boredom, too" and quietly kept on jogging beside me. i'm curious if we have any runners here who might have some tips on how to handle the mental aspects while running.

hi there:) so i'm still in the process of figuring out what i should do with myself, and this has been quite stressful tbh. while i'm trying to decide on further university programmes etc. i may want to sign up for, i figured that one thing i could do now, without a degree, is to write a cookbook or even start a recipe blog. in general, i really enjoy cooking and baking, i enjoy creating new recipes or watching health and nutrition-related content on YouTube. while i have been thinking for a while that i could also start making my own content, i have a number of concerns in this regard. as i have a pretty intense eating disorder history and have been experiencing more immediate symptoms again in the past few months, not only may the aspect of thinking about recipes etc. be triggering - so may the whole body image aspect, "putting myself out there", being vulnerable etc. i am not fond of the whole self-presentation thing, this idea of needing to "sell yourself" online, and i estimate it would be a huge, huge trigger for me to think about how i am being perceived all day every day. some of you may know that it was a huge fuss for me to have a profile picture with my face on here....and i doubt i'd be comfortable showing my body or even just my face on a blog post or on the cover/inside of my hypothetical cookbook. in general, my vision would be to combine recipes with some kind of framework that communicates more gentle nutrition tips, as i am aware that while many people on this planet need to lose weight and the aggressive approach of certain fitness coaches online may yield great results for some people, it can also aggravate mental symptoms in others as nutrition is not just scientific and objective - it's also subjective, emotional, and psychological. so i'd like my recipes to be framed by that kind of compassionate approach and include tips on how to have a healthy relationship with food etc. (which i don't have yet). anyway, i don't know if i can realistically do this with the current body image and disordered eating challenges at hand that i am facing in my personal life. i also assume it might be quite embarrassing to try this kind of thing, if people who know me find out about it. i'm also not sure to what extent this kind of domain presupposes i'd have to start making videos for YouTube/Instagram, if i'd want my cookbook or blog to be successful. by the way, i also do not have the slightest idea how to start a blog in the first place - if anybody knows, fire away:)

i don't think you have to judge yourself over that one situation.

@Ramasta9there's a whole Mega-Thread on spiritual memes:) ...thanks for starting this one though! made me giggle a few times.

oh my God that's cute lol:)

@Carl-Richard that's suppose to mean: yes you are right but i'm still struggling to implement the advice...

yeah.......:)

yes that's kind of why i thought maybe running is a practice that's easier for me to start than meditation as it's more dynamic.

@bazera okay so it just takes some getting used to:)

yes, i remember:) i know they shouldn't bother me, but they do. which, i think, is not solved by telling me i should not feel that way. so i wonder why i feel that way, and how i can manage that. yes. bad excuse, but sometimes i feel too agitated or anxious to stick to the meditation routine that would stop me feeling agitated or anxious. is that a bad character trait of mine? are there ways to make meditation feel more accessible to me? you don't have to answer if you do not know. i am judging myself for being like that.

rough day. i've been debating whether to share this, but i finally got in touch with a systemic therapist this week - one i'd already spoken with twice last summer - and he, rather surprisingly, agreed to take me as a patient. the session got rather amusing when he brought up that he'd like to invite in my dad so that we can all talk together. not sure if i see that happening, realistically speaking. other than that, he said to assemble an "emergency kit" for myself and start painting my emotions with colours - because pressure requires ex-press-ion, he says. the emergency kit, i am hesitant about. i rarely use my dbt skills, mostly because i believe my dysregulation isn't bad enough for me to require it, and my emotions are real and objective.... but i suppose it is true that i could benefit...i've never tried for long enough to actually see if they work, though, and it is just a weird shift in perspective to consider myself as the one who's allowed to consciously down-regulate herself when needed. but i guess it is needed, if i am being honest, although that doesn't make this any easier to admit.

i don't.....i probably should. okay, interesting. sometimes when i play the piano i look up at the ceiling...maybe that's a similar effect. okay:)

when the anxiety hits, sometimes it's as though there simply is no future - like it's all grey, all lost, endless suffering. it helps to remember that there is, in fact, a future, and there always will be, and i'll be here, i'll stay with me. and there'll be good moments throughout this, too - again and again.

do i relax my eyes by closing them, or is there a different technique you recommend?

i do listen to music:) some time ago i also tried doing maths with my speed, time, distance - but my maths brain stops working when i'm running (which i guess is the whole point). yes, walking is fine - but with running the need for fast-paced distractions seems more urgent. hence why the same podcast i enjoy during a walk won't cut it when i'm running. i remember having a discussion with you about noises at the gym, and what you said implied they shouldn't bother me. fact is, though, they do, and i feel especially vulnerable when i'm trying to exercise....not just running, but this seems to be a related issue. it's mentally tougher to push my muscles till failure, for example, when certain triggers in my mind and environment are on, causing me to feel like i'd much rather recoil and lay on the ground than put stress on my muscles while staying nonresponsive to triggers in that environment.

@LastThursday yes, i generally enjoy it. i just notice my mind getting in the way at times... for example, when i'm thinking about some stressul events, personally i'm more prone to enter freeze-mode. but when my mood and the music are good, i enjoy it. it would help if somebody could observe me while running and give feedback on my posture, though.

@bazera i don't remember, maybe 30 or 40 min. my brother mapped out a 5km route for me to practice on, and at the gym i usually go on the treadmill after strength training, so i usually only do 10-15 min, 30 min on special occasions. the 13 km this summer will be a first, but i think that should be manageable. the organisers said i should aim to run relaxed for 60 min before the race, and i can work my way up to that in the months to come. 13 km sounds like exactly the right distance for it to push my limit but still be fun, so i'm excited:) maybe i'll do more the year after, who knows.

yes...i'd like to get a fitness watch at some point. i wonder if professional athletes know some sort of mental techniques for this...maybe they start labelling the colours they see while running and get into some kind of Zen state, who knows.

it might help a little bit to simply notice that this emotion comes and goes - it's not a permanent state. other than that, what you are saying already suggests that there's some awareness of the circumstances causing this emotion. so changing and or recontextualsing the circumstances may help.

okay i can't keep up anymore:)

... maybe sometimes i'm a little too honest. i'm trying to be kind to myself today, though. every now and then, when i'm relaxed, i manage to remember to love myself. i'm trying to do more of that. trust, relax, have faith. and it can't hurt to be a little more aware of my body, my thoughts, emotions, sensations, whenever i have a minute. maybe it's as simple as strengthening this muscle whenever i can. i'll be okay.

... earlier today, i felt good when i ran my last few minutes on the treadmill and then Lana Del Rey came on... thought i should write that down to balance things out a little. i also felt good reading my book, and talking to a friend.

who i am now isn't bad enough ending a life over, but who i am now is definitely not living up to the hype of "surviving anorexia", as though that'd be a guarantee of being good enough. like, that was pretty tough to let go of, if not an impossibility in many ways....and yet i did it, did the impossible.....and i shouldn't have, because look at me! nowhere near as genius as what this should have led up to.