Judy2

okay now i'll calm down again and focus on the things that are good:) i like running, i like the gym, i got new sportswear that i can wear tomorrow, i am here, i am safe, i got me, i can feel myself, it's all good, i'll be okay.

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i feel tired, exhausted. too much thinking and studying. just because i'm fascinated with emotions, dreams, the Psyche, doesn't mean i wanna hear sciency, cold, mechanistic blob about neurons all day. it seems kind of delusional how universities dissect the psyche into pieces, blatantly ignoring the Presence of Consciousness as a whole - the way it is right here, around us, within us, this very moment. all these lectures kind of lack intuition, emotion, feeling - which are the things i am after. i just wanna be a housewife, spend all day in the kitchen and start having babies. i'm pretty sure i'd be happy doing that. i wanna be, and feel. still such a struggle for me to know how to be happy. maybe i just wanna write cookbooks, after all. but i need a bigger kitchen for that, and someone who can help with the photos. and a better relationship with food and my body and my sense of self. ... or maybe, just maybe, it's time to take my own therapy more seriously and actually talk about how i feel scared and lost and insecure and not sure about what to do with myself. which would then also grant me some nice access to the consciousness and feelings i mentioned feeling fascinated with. it's just tough because of my current avoidant tendencies, and how it feels safer to shield people out completely or basically interact with them in ways that make me think afterward "yeah i'm glad that didn't count i won't really let anyone in and they can't get near me now let me go home and be safe and in peace". writing does feel nice. English feels nice, too. that confuses me so much. English and French. i remember languages being there every time i exited more depressive, conflicted phases of suffering, and they make me feel good and cool and change my personality. which is another thing - is it good, is it bad, that i probably picked this because this, too, is just another expression of how nonexistent my sense of self really is? how much i need an ego boost by saying hey look i can speak so many languages and have such nice accents... i don't want my first degree to be all in vain, and it won't be...but i'm just really not sure how to be happy, and i've felt pretty convinced that teaching won't make me happy and i need something more intense, more loaded - work with sick people and traumatised people, victims and perpetrators...., in intense situations, with intense emotions - and i get the vibe, ...but ...oh God i'm so confused. or i could just chill, open a café, write books, teach some English and French here and there.... no matter which way i imagine this, my brain always projects so much lack, so much inadequacy - so how can i even make authentic choices when there's such dense overlay attributing my (lack of) self-worth to all of this, and no matter what i pick i think it's not enough??? and i also wanna have kids soon, and how do i make that happen when in my mind other people aren't even real or serious enough for me to bother interacting with in meaningful ways. like my brain's still in fantasy land and i just like being on my own - but then i have to find a job in a world that's real, with real people, and i have to be a real person, most of all - which i hate - and i wanna have a real baby and a real family and real friends...all the while, i don't want to be real, don't want this to be real, don't want Life to be now....cause it's always so imperfect and messy and mixes all the beauty with fhe ugliness and the chaos, and it's never enough - i'm never enough, always WAY too ugly! then that's another thing with bpd - that opening up in therapy is mega-twisted, because how do you talk about your attachment wounds without your attachment wounds getting in the way when you know exactly you got only x sessions left and then they'll abandon me anyway, so why should i even bother???

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self. so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me • cooking • nutrition • writing • English • French • exercise • criminal/forensic psychology • psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way. there we have that word again: trust. duh!

i don't think psychology is the wrong subject for me at all - it obviously interests me, and i've been thinking for years that i wanna study it. this is just such a huge, scary shift in identity. and i'm just not sure if this is all a little too meta for me?... if i can handle sitting next to skin-picking girls and anorexic boys every day, if i can handle letting go of my own desire to be the SICKEST, do a 180 and suddenly be the one showing others how not to be sick. that is confusing af.

we spent the day celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday and i got to spend time with my brother. i'm very proud of him and that i get to be his little sister ♡ we meet rarely enough for me to be able to idealise him completely, and he's like the only person i am more than proud to call my relative. he turned out gorgeous - much better than me. i still notice that i feel SO MUCH INSECURITY though; such confusion about who i am and what i should do and where i am going. which is like, to a somewhat abnormal extent with me, i would say. part of the bpd.... and it feels validating to be able to say that this experience, this lost feeling i am having all the time is a bit more extreme than it is for others my age (perhaps?). sometimes i just don't know anymore. i remember my dissociations last year, and how i had to buy the Coca Colas with "princess" written on them to remind me who i am, cause i kept forgetting:) jokes aside... ...i do feel so unstable, so scared.... all i can do for now is ground myself in the few things i do know. exercise is good, i want that in my life no matter what. expressive writing comes to me naturally, i've done that for years and it's helping me, so it can't be that wrong - it's got the language element and the psychology element. guess i'm still confused, though, if i can be anything to do with psychology (cute psychologist/psychotherapist) or simply cute English and French teacher, café owner, cookbook writer, whatever - if, without psychological disorder - i'd still feel like there's something missing with language teaching or if i need to be psychologically healthy and work in a psychological field, too. either way, guess i want to be cute. which is like the whole struggle - cause i'm never ever good enough, and then i project that outward all the time onto superficial stuff (appearance, career choices, relationships) and get lost in analysis paralysis when these things aren't even the "real" problem. or i get confused about what to do, because there's always so much overlay that consists in questioning whether a thing i do looks good (as opposed to feels good).

i also wonder if this journal is bad. since i've been criticised for sharing too many of my experiences. i guess other people do that, too, but i still wonder. i would change the title if i could, though.

for a few weeks now, i've been stuck with this emotion - sometimes more subtle, and i project it onto other stuff, but at its core... i feel so in-secure, so small, so weak, so scared. i don't know if it's good to be studying psychology as someone with her wide array of mental disorders. as though studying psychology would fix that. not studying it wouldn't fix it either, but i guess the immediate incentive to somehow have to fix myself completely (and i feel so broken) is also not helpful....it's such an odd feeling to be mixing my career and my personal life, but it's not like i could make such a decision independent of my personal life, anyway. then again, i have to be something (live somewhere, do some kind of job). and it's not like any of the other things i have done or could do would make me feel any more certain or secure. but we're back to square one: i feel lost. i feel so infinitely lost, and nothing i ever try to do fixes that feeling. i feel so ugly, body image sucks, food sucks. i think i have an ugly personality, too. i'm a horrible person. i'm pretty sure all the other students think i'm mean, awkward, weird, egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, selfish. i just feel so much tension and it's almost like i was just thrown into a weird reality that i'm desperately trying to understand, let alone master, i'm trying to do everything right, but i can't, and i'm just desperate. i tried to tell myself earlier to remember that i am Love, every fibre of my being is made of Love, and maybe that would help. it doesn't. i'm so stressed out even at the fact of my existence, i can't make sense of it. massive overload. which is nothing new at all, but it always feels new, i always envision it as this grandiose, new realisation about how everything's not okay. crisis always feels so immediate, even though it's really just my way of being at this point. mood swings are also crazy atm.

i got my undergraduate degree in the mail today - admittedly, it feels much cooler than it felt even after handing in my thesis or getting the feedback for it. it's been a crazy, stressful ride until here, and i'm just glad and relieved, i guess:)

uni's starting to feel good and right, i went for a thirty minute run this morning that also felt quite good, and i met my new tutoring student. she'd been avoiding school and cried in the beginning, but at the end of the lesson she actually said she'd been having fun! which is like a huge compliment for me, cause it shows i did a good job tutoring her in a kind, no-pressure sort of way. i tried my best to be non-judgmental and signal that all questions and mistakes are welcome - which i am guessing must have been a huge fear of hers going into this, that i'd judge her.

i think strange people trigger my dissociative tendencies even more. new place, new people, new everything.... - i think i'm so extreme in the way i do change. this isn't the first time, either. cause i'm always either very complacent about it, then do it all in one go. i feel so stupid for being such an "extremist" in life... i thought it was good for me to change...to be more active and alive in life. but then i do too much of it at once and my brain can't handle that, either. i never seem to know the middle way.

i can't even find my centre anymore ...and i wonder if something has to snap big time before this can go back to normal, or if it will just fade out quietly as i get more comfortable and familiar around here. right now, i can still tell there's so much exhaustion and overload. i don't feel normal.

this is all just a tiny bit too intense for me these days

like i feel like i'm dying. oh God.

i overdosed on caffeine again because i said yes too quickly and now i have to go to a party tonight. i'm not a party person, but i felt like it was nice to be asked because i thought the other students didn't like me but turns out some of them do so it looks like i'm going now. anyway, this entire time i'm still thinking.... this is just a little too much change. change isn't bad, i like change, change can be good. i've been craving change for so long. but it can also be a little too much, too. i'm scared. i almost don't recognise myself. i feel like i'm losing myself - which isn't bad, either, but it's still SO MUCH. i also don't know what better thing i'd be doing if i wasn't here, i probably wouldn't be doing anything better - but it's still scary. i feel like i'm going crazy...like i'm so insecure, but no one would believe me because i'm just doing stuff even though i'm insecure about it, essentially. i guess this is what the people who do stuff do - they just do it and no one knows they're insecure? God... i felt myself dissociating a few minutes ago while doing my make-up and looking a little too intensely in the mirror. things are a bit crazy right now and my brain is still very overwhelmed. it's the combination of the new environment, new career path, life path, people. like....being social all throughout it. normally i don't meet that many people. and now i meet people and have to face that weird shift, being around them and the state of mind it puts me in, all while tackling this instability, this destabilised phase that my brain is currently in. it's all very trippy and i can tell my brain hasn't adjusted yet....still very much overload, overwhelming. scary. like i'm not even back to baseline yet, because everything's still so new and all over the place. aaah! i'm really scared.

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

yesterday was better for the most part. today, not so much. there are way too many triggers accumulating, there's way too many moments of discomfort filling my days. the studies are great, i like my little corner with the desk in my apartment, i like my book, my study routines, the fields right outside my door. i like the blossoming trees, the fact that the Institute is nearby and i can get there in 10 minutes. i hate the yellow floor in my apartment, how i hear it every time somebody flushes their toilet or uses the sink in the surrounding apartments, how i have to wait at ugly bus stops and walk ugly, dirty streets whenever i want to get somewhere in the city centre. i hate the dimensions of my kitchen, how it's too narrow and simultaneously the cupboard is hung at a height for someone much taller than me, so i can barely reach the second shelf. then there are a lot of triggers going on with my family, too. body image problems. technical problems keep coming in. my heat keeps cracking every few seconds starting at 5 am, and then again at 11pm. body image issues. i feel like i look and am really ugly. i keep getting lost in the city because google maps is inaccurate, too. some machines at the gym have weird dimensions, the seats are either too big or when i sit at the front, really uncomfortable, so much so that i can't properly do my exercises, or people walk too close while i am trying to push myself, or the ground is vibrating my machine because too many people are using the treadmills right next to me. music pierces through my headphones, i'm jittery... it's just so much and pretty exhausting atm. just too many new things happening all at once.

what about green tea?

i guess it's also the combination of being in a new apartment i don't feel quite comfortable in yet, and then also starting at uni. that's too many destabilising factors all at once, because it removes too many of the "pillars" i could hold onto while the others crumble a bit. now it feels like the entire roof is coming down, because it's being shaken up all at once. a pillar still standing: i did my make-up this morning and it turned out quite nice and i wore a really nice outfit, a dark blue skirt and a white top with light blue flowers, plus my pale pink coat and my white fllower hand bag. another one: exercise, my gym routine, the obstacle run i am training for. and another one: the book i am currently reading (the third part of the Fourth Wing series, maybe not as good as the first one? but still interesting enough)

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. but gosh, i'm panicking. ...dissociating? i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. it's a lot.

...now that i think about it, i feel kinda panicky

had my first university event today and it was definitely a lot. i think my brain is still trying to make sense of my whole living/education/career situation and is constantly evaluating and cross-comparing if things are fine, and then i project whatever result i come up with onto the next 3-5 years. it's subtle, but this is definitely the process working within me at the moment. scary. it helps to remember that, while i've decided on a tracectory for my studies ... the rest isn't carved into stone. i can still change my living situation every term, i could still find a job on the side....so even if things feel oddly permanent rn, the way they haven't been for a while and that i've dreamed of for long, to finally be clear on things - even now, i still have the power to keep making adjustments to my situation. very odd process my brain is going through rn, though! i guess it's also odd because, yes, i am scared and insecure now - but i kind of have to remind myself, without this, without all the novelty, i'd be just as insecure and scared, albeit in a more familiar way, plus i'd beat myself up for not having a vision. which is at least something i have now? but it's definitely a struggle for me and my emotions to adjust to the entirely new set of circumstances. ugh. it's scary to even think about it. ... i don't quite feel safe here, but i always feel that way, no matter where i am, so i may as well be here, of all places? i don't know. scary.

it wasn't a negative experience. in fact it was quite blissful and orgasmic, if i may say so. but i agree on the rest, that it's not as clear-cut and there are many different flavours to these sorts of experiences.

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.