Judy2

@Ulax yeah, that makes sense. i guess if i were to rephrase the question, it would be if this immediate urge to talk about it and not be alone with it after a certain extreme behaviour has occurred is healthy or not? cause it might just be part of the behaviour to act all needy afterwards. i have a history of being too needy and wanting to be saved, and i can't quite strike the right middle ground when it comes to that. guess it also makes sense to distinguish between the kind of mentorship/coaching/therapy that you mentioned above - which makes absolute sense and would be helpful (it's hard to find rn, which is besides the point) - and simply being heard out by friends. idk if i'm too much for my friends when i tell them some of the things that are going on for me, but if i don't tell them, it feels worse to be keeping it all to myself.

i think a wise person (or person in the process of becoming wiser) can still struggle, and their wisdom cannot hinge upon the absence of disadvantageous circumstances or challenges in their life. for this reason, i wonder how i would - in an ideal world, as a wise woman - respond to the presence of certain harmful behaviours in my life. for example - would i keep them to myself? would i talk about them? would i annoy people by talking about them...cause that doesn't seem wise, but then not talking and keeping struggles a secret doesn't seem wise, either. is it okay that i don't want to feel alone and lonely with certain struggles, or is it weak and unwise of me to look for people to share them with? they need to be the right people, of course, but still. sorry if this is weird.

i think when i wrote this post i didn't even think about sharing on the forum specifically (that's more of what i meant in the other thread i started). i thought of this question after experiencing some symptoms/behaviours that felt extreme, abnormal, not okay, and i felt conflicted about reaching out to a friend because i tend to be annoying, but there was no one else to call and it got me wondering if i'd just keep all this to myself if i was wiser (since the sharing seems annoying to people). but i guess in terms of self-love and when i think about what i need, i think it's also true that i don't want to be lonely after experiencing a particular behaviour/crisis-reaction....just don't know who to reasonably reach out to in those moments. mental health hotlines in germany are either blocked all day or when you get the chance to talk to someone, it's really awkward and usually not helpful.

yes, i agree. in theory, that is true. in practice, when you share something vulnerable, even voluntarily, people can still react in hurtful ways.

hi there:) so since i have had a journal on this forum for quite a while, i've noticed that sometimes i feel divided between sharing honestly and authentically what's going on for me, particularly in the mental health domain, and maintaining my privacy. i wonder what you guys' opinions on this topic are - if mental struggles should be shared or kept private, or something inbetween - and what exactly the limits should be. i don't think we'll reach a consensus on that but would be curious to open a discussion on the subject and follow along with everybody's ideas in association with this question. lots of love ♡

yes, absolutely. i was asking about it because i've already shared a lot on here and been thinking that i should be more conscious about it.

future employers might care, for example.

@Ramasta9 okay, thanks for sharing:)

hi there:) so i'm still in the process of figuring out what i should do with myself, and this has been quite stressful tbh. while i'm trying to decide on further university programmes etc. i may want to sign up for, i figured that one thing i could do now, without a degree, is to write a cookbook or even start a recipe blog. in general, i really enjoy cooking and baking, i enjoy creating new recipes or watching health and nutrition-related content on YouTube. while i have been thinking for a while that i could also start making my own content, i have a number of concerns in this regard. as i have a pretty intense eating disorder history and have been experiencing more immediate symptoms again in the past few months, not only may the aspect of thinking about recipes etc. be triggering - so may the whole body image aspect, "putting myself out there", being vulnerable etc. i am not fond of the whole self-presentation thing, this idea of needing to "sell yourself" online, and i estimate it would be a huge, huge trigger for me to think about how i am being perceived all day every day. some of you may know that it was a huge fuss for me to have a profile picture with my face on here....and i doubt i'd be comfortable showing my body or even just my face on a blog post or on the cover/inside of my hypothetical cookbook. in general, my vision would be to combine recipes with some kind of framework that communicates more gentle nutrition tips, as i am aware that while many people on this planet need to lose weight and the aggressive approach of certain fitness coaches online may yield great results for some people, it can also aggravate mental symptoms in others as nutrition is not just scientific and objective - it's also subjective, emotional, and psychological. so i'd like my recipes to be framed by that kind of compassionate approach and include tips on how to have a healthy relationship with food etc. (which i don't have yet). anyway, i don't know if i can realistically do this with the current body image and disordered eating challenges at hand that i am facing in my personal life. i also assume it might be quite embarrassing to try this kind of thing, if people who know me find out about it. i'm also not sure to what extent this kind of domain presupposes i'd have to start making videos for YouTube/Instagram, if i'd want my cookbook or blog to be successful. by the way, i also do not have the slightest idea how to start a blog in the first place - if anybody knows, fire away:)

do you think i look overweight?

if i start making recipe videos and apply for small business ownership, can i make my groceries and tech equipment a tax write-off lol?

@Natasha Tori Maru hi:) can you catch me up briefly about what happened...did everybody agree to hide all the messages? i was away for a bit so i missed that part.

the real question is, are you a person? ponder that for a while:)

nah, don't be. i think it's strange because oftentimes, i'm really not sure how specific i can or should be, or i pull back and hide stuff after posting it. it gets awkward because i'm not clear on the extent of the things i should or shouldn't share, so there are some weird allusions all the time. i'm really not sure if it's helpful to anyone, including myself, if i relate the specific behaviours that i know aren't ideal. i mean maybe it depends on how i talk about them. and for the most part, the problem is that i'd have to repeat myself a lot to the point that this would normalise things/make them seem okay, justified, strengthen identification....because i can't really present many solutions yet....only repeating patterns and potential causes that end up being justifications and rationalisations. it's really not that fun to read my journal because my mind isn't that smart about handling my problems, or i'm too weak or something. if i were to talk about the behaviours in detail when it would make sense as part of the emotional expression, i think that would come across as being too pro harmful behaviours? i don't know how to share that i'm struggling without making it look like i think it's good.

@theleelajoker thank you, that makes sense.

i think a pro would be that it can help those affected by a similar illness, decrease loneliness, increase connection. it can destigmatise the diagnosis and help explain symptoms and challenges to outsiders who might have no idea - and as a result increase empathy in our society. on the flipside, it can be quite vulnerable and mutually triggering for the one sharing as well as those registering the information that's being shared, for example when talking about specific eating disordered behaviours, substance abuse, self-harm, or suicidality.

yeah i'm working on that as a first step:) already reached out to a friend and my above-mentioned dad's colleague to ask alll the questions.

yes i get that. maybe i can save the videos for later though, and begin by working on a book/e-book/recipe blog and sharing pictures on instagram. start with the easy part as that'll be messy enough to figure out in the beginning anyway. can't do it all at once.

if i had to answer spontaneously, i'd say my "niche" would be to unite insights on gentle/positive nutrition and mental health in a holistic way. it's kind of weird but viewers seem to like it when people narrate something that seems a little off topic during these videos, so it could work. i'm still worried about the emotional strain it may put om me though, bit maybe i can just try one step at a time. i may also invest in a 6 month programme to become a certified nutritionist in the next few months....so maybe that can be combined nicely. but i still need to find out if that certification is legit and worth the money. or i'll just do it and stop overthinking. it still doesn't sit right with me to do all that marketing though. i think that could be triggering as hell.

do i need to get a camera and a microphone? that's kind of intimidating to me. do i have to make some subscriptions to programmes or applications i can use for cutting videos, formatting blog/cookbook pages etc.?

yes i'm aware of that. but once i get the traffic there, is it just people visiting the website that brings in money or do i also have to sell something? my dad's colleague sells cookbooks on amazon and i can ask him for advice.

i just want to be safe. that's all.

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it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around. but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder. cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z. it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game. is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good. .... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there". ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.). i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time. i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.