Judy2

i think a wise person (or person in the process of becoming wiser) can still struggle, and their wisdom cannot hinge upon the absence of disadvantageous circumstances or challenges in their life. for this reason, i wonder how i would - in an ideal world, as a wise woman - respond to the presence of certain harmful behaviours in my life. for example - would i keep them to myself? would i talk about them? would i annoy people by talking about them...cause that doesn't seem wise, but then not talking and keeping struggles a secret doesn't seem wise, either. is it okay that i don't want to feel alone and lonely with certain struggles, or is it weak and unwise of me to look for people to share them with? they need to be the right people, of course, but still. sorry if this is weird.

that is pretty smart though

@Joshe isn't it a shame that we're either young and 'stupid', or old and wise? i think that's so tragic.

sorting through my relationship with food i don't know where to begin, but i had the spontaneous urge to note down some of the thoughts i have been having on the topic. first of all, i am thinking back to the dbt ward i was on last summer. i am not exaggerating when i say that probably half the women on this ward were overweight, if not severely obese, while the other half or so was underweight or at least quite skinny. evidently, at least 90% of these women with emotional issues were also having a hard time with food and their bodies. because of this, it breaks my heart to see that in our society, some sub-groups lack very fundamental understanding and compassion for the ways in which food is a deeply psychological, emotional thing to handle, and not just a matter of knowing how many calories are in what food. i wish people had more compassion for the ways in which eating disorders are an emotional issue, above all. - education about nutrition is important, but emotional regulation is, too, and i find it concerning when i see the 'fitness bubble' neglecting the very real emotional side of eating problems quite often, then demonising the people experiencing these problems - not always, but often enough for it to be harmful, i feel. maybe i am biased in that regard - but i know many people have that same bias as they are experiencing similar problems, and so i feel that more compassion definitely couldn't hurt. self-compassion, and compassion for the experience of other people and how struggles can be very real to some, even if they are non-existent to others. more questions i have been asking myself: in an ideal world, would i be counting calories and macros? - the conclusion i have come to is that, when perceived neutrally, calories and macros can be important information to help me decide what's good for me. nevertheless, i have to find a middle ground between intuition, flexibility, and making educated decisions. which is something i am still working on. practically speaking, i think sometimes knowing the numbers creates more harm than good for me personally, at the current stage i am at. in an ideal world, would i weigh myself? how often? - yes, i can, but not compulsively - again, i can treat this as neutral information. in an ideal world, would i eat processed foods? would i have any active dietary restrictions (e.g. low carb,...) in place? - to that, the most honest thing i can say is that i do not know the answer. i am aware that with my eating disorder history, an additional layer of complexity must be considered here. i don't know if excluding certain food groups entirely will ultimately help me overcome certain ed-struggles or worsen them. that's the most honest i can be for now, even though there are billions of people out there who seem to have set opinions on that. i'll have to figure it out myself and experiment a little. it's okay that i don't have it all figured out yet. i can be kind to myself anyway. in general, i think it's important for me to strengthen my appreciation of food - how it is grown, harvested, prepared; what it looks like, how it smells and tastes and feels. in the long-term, i'll have to make peace with food for life to be good, as food is such an essential part of being a living and breathing human being, and that can only happen when i allow myself to see its goodness. i also have to be able to focus on other things, though - but find balance in this regard, most of all. and just don't use it for emotional regulation, essentially... which i acknowledge is hard right now - whether i eat or don't eat, i can tell there's too much charge to the whole topic, be that subtly or not so subtly. there are also way too many thoughts about different body sizes, which only adds to the problem.... don't know how to handle that, tbh.

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and what are matter and spirit? where do you know that from?

@Rigel i watched some videos about that online, most of them by this woman: but tbh i think this supersedes my skill set and i feel like i'd need a coach to observe me and help me implement the above (and all the rest that's explained in the other videos).

i'm training for a 13km run, and what i have noticed so far is that the physical exercise is the easier part. what's much harder is the mental aspect of motivating myself and busying my mind during the 10, 20, 30 min on the treadmill or outside. (10 is just post-workout but it's long enough to get me bored and i could go longer physically, if it weren't for my mind.) music helps a little bit, but not that much. podcasts are a bit too slow-paced. last time i went running with my brother, who's super fit, i begged him to tell me something interesting and he just went "no, you have to learn to deal with the boredom, too" and quietly kept on jogging beside me. i'm curious if we have any runners here who might have some tips on how to handle the mental aspects while running.

i am not sure if that is healthy for my mind.

my brother told me about that. but i think it'll drive me mad if i have to count 1,2,3, 1,2,3 for thirty minutes or longer.

what's gate? i mean the 13k will be an obstacle run, so that should be fun and on that day i expect that my system will loosen up more reserves because of the excitement, adrenaline, etc.

aaah...not what i wanted to hear, but okay:) so it's like meditating, but worse.

hi there:) so i'm still in the process of figuring out what i should do with myself, and this has been quite stressful tbh. while i'm trying to decide on further university programmes etc. i may want to sign up for, i figured that one thing i could do now, without a degree, is to write a cookbook or even start a recipe blog. in general, i really enjoy cooking and baking, i enjoy creating new recipes or watching health and nutrition-related content on YouTube. while i have been thinking for a while that i could also start making my own content, i have a number of concerns in this regard. as i have a pretty intense eating disorder history and have been experiencing more immediate symptoms again in the past few months, not only may the aspect of thinking about recipes etc. be triggering - so may the whole body image aspect, "putting myself out there", being vulnerable etc. i am not fond of the whole self-presentation thing, this idea of needing to "sell yourself" online, and i estimate it would be a huge, huge trigger for me to think about how i am being perceived all day every day. some of you may know that it was a huge fuss for me to have a profile picture with my face on here....and i doubt i'd be comfortable showing my body or even just my face on a blog post or on the cover/inside of my hypothetical cookbook. in general, my vision would be to combine recipes with some kind of framework that communicates more gentle nutrition tips, as i am aware that while many people on this planet need to lose weight and the aggressive approach of certain fitness coaches online may yield great results for some people, it can also aggravate mental symptoms in others as nutrition is not just scientific and objective - it's also subjective, emotional, and psychological. so i'd like my recipes to be framed by that kind of compassionate approach and include tips on how to have a healthy relationship with food etc. (which i don't have yet). anyway, i don't know if i can realistically do this with the current body image and disordered eating challenges at hand that i am facing in my personal life. i also assume it might be quite embarrassing to try this kind of thing, if people who know me find out about it. i'm also not sure to what extent this kind of domain presupposes i'd have to start making videos for YouTube/Instagram, if i'd want my cookbook or blog to be successful. by the way, i also do not have the slightest idea how to start a blog in the first place - if anybody knows, fire away:)

not feeling well. stressed. bad body image. ed struggles. worries about the future. watched too many YouTube videos about food and bodies and diets. can't really pursue the cookbook idea because food is still something i'm ashamed of, i'm not happy with my body yet and i don't know what way of eating is the right one. i don't know if my problems with food and body image would be resolved if i simply committed to some sort of no carb diet for the rest of my life....something like that. i don't know what the right way of eating is. i feel sad, and alone. i need a therapist but don't have one. don't know about my future job, either. feeling uncomfortable and worried. i have also been thinking about the autism accusation. i am the opposite of cold, though. usually, i feel too much. i am quite empathetic, i pride myself in being emotional, and i can also be quite social when i get the chance - so i don't know if i'm autistic. the sensory issues are real, though. with the right person, physical touch is one of my top two love languages, but sometimes i don't like being touched by family members. and there's comorbidity with other diagnoses i have. would like to get it tested (along with adhd) but i don't think i'll get an appointment any time soon. to mention a positive note that i've been wanting to share....for the past two weeks i have been reading Fourth Wing and it's quite good. i didn't know i'm such a bad reader but i have to read many of the passages three time in a row to fully process what's going on. anyway, i like the suspense, i like the combination of utterly stereotypical, predictable, yet very satisfying elements with more unpredictable story telling. the romance definitely made me squeak in excitement a few times. ....feeling slightly calmer now. i'm not alowed to keep making plans while worried - when i experience worry, the first priority has to be cooling down. i think. who knows. no one told me how that works, it's just my best guess right now, the most loving rule of thumb i can think of, for now. i think i'm too broken to make recovery content, be that in the shape of a book or a blog. how am i supposed to tell people the answers that i don't have. all i can say is, i don't know. all these people keep talking and i don't know what the best way is....if i knew, i could even be fierce and confident about it...but i don't know anything. which would be fine, but i have a life to live and decisions to make. ...but it's okay, i am safe, and no matter what, there are certain constants in life. every night, i go to bed, i sleep, i dream.... there are times to worry, and times where i may stop, and have faith. it's tough to have faith when everything's a mess, but there's also not much of an alternative, and if eveything has to be a mess, i'd rather go through that with faith than without.

@Ulax 🙏🏻😇

@Ulax yeah, that makes sense. i guess if i were to rephrase the question, it would be if this immediate urge to talk about it and not be alone with it after a certain extreme behaviour has occurred is healthy or not? cause it might just be part of the behaviour to act all needy afterwards. i have a history of being too needy and wanting to be saved, and i can't quite strike the right middle ground when it comes to that. guess it also makes sense to distinguish between the kind of mentorship/coaching/therapy that you mentioned above - which makes absolute sense and would be helpful (it's hard to find rn, which is besides the point) - and simply being heard out by friends. idk if i'm too much for my friends when i tell them some of the things that are going on for me, but if i don't tell them, it feels worse to be keeping it all to myself.

i think when i wrote this post i didn't even think about sharing on the forum specifically (that's more of what i meant in the other thread i started). i thought of this question after experiencing some symptoms/behaviours that felt extreme, abnormal, not okay, and i felt conflicted about reaching out to a friend because i tend to be annoying, but there was no one else to call and it got me wondering if i'd just keep all this to myself if i was wiser (since the sharing seems annoying to people). but i guess in terms of self-love and when i think about what i need, i think it's also true that i don't want to be lonely after experiencing a particular behaviour/crisis-reaction....just don't know who to reasonably reach out to in those moments. mental health hotlines in germany are either blocked all day or when you get the chance to talk to someone, it's really awkward and usually not helpful.

yes, i agree. in theory, that is true. in practice, when you share something vulnerable, even voluntarily, people can still react in hurtful ways.

hi there:) so since i have had a journal on this forum for quite a while, i've noticed that sometimes i feel divided between sharing honestly and authentically what's going on for me, particularly in the mental health domain, and maintaining my privacy. i wonder what you guys' opinions on this topic are - if mental struggles should be shared or kept private, or something inbetween - and what exactly the limits should be. i don't think we'll reach a consensus on that but would be curious to open a discussion on the subject and follow along with everybody's ideas in association with this question. lots of love ♡

yes, absolutely. i was asking about it because i've already shared a lot on here and been thinking that i should be more conscious about it.

future employers might care, for example.

@Ramasta9 okay, thanks for sharing:)

do you think i look overweight?

if i start making recipe videos and apply for small business ownership, can i make my groceries and tech equipment a tax write-off lol?

@Natasha Tori Maru hi:) can you catch me up briefly about what happened...did everybody agree to hide all the messages? i was away for a bit so i missed that part.