Judy2

.... it's been a rather exhausting week, but i am also feeling more positive and hopeful than usual - which i thought should be acknowledged here. i'll try my very best to keep it up.

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@Carl-Richard yes, mirroring seems like a good thing:) i guess i just wondered about the specifics.

i am currently doing an internship at a bilingual kindergarten and have been observing the children's behaviour and also the adults' ways of relating to them. what stands out is this very particular way of how adults talk to children, namely by exaggerating emotional responses (shock, surprise, disappointment, approval, and on and on). i mean it's nothing new and i do this myself....when a kid tells me a story about how it was hit by another kid or how that kid said a 'bad word', i fake/exaggerate outrage and compassion, and when it tells me where their family's gonna go on vacation, i fake/exaggerate fascination...whereas with an adult, i'd be more casual while expressing "yeah, Italy is beautiful" (something like that). i guess there's nothing wrong with this and i know most adults interact with children this way - even though sometimes this entails overriding and even suppressing what's actually going on for them personally...think exhaustion, annoyance, worry, etc. in new parents. now i wonder if this exaggerated emotional pattern is the only way of actually relating to children, essentially by copying how their experience is 'structured' as human beings who have been alive for only four, five, six years. i mean of course they are going to perceive things differently....but i wonder if exaggerating emotions is the only way for adults to relate to children, or if there are other options that may be more serious/authentic. would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially if we have any parents/aunties/uncles here:)

giant space kangaroo or regular?

@HopefulMan it could be milder forms, still. or none of it:) i didn't mean to imply that any of the above has to be the case for you - just to inform you what that could be like. i'm sure you can find some emotions if you keep looking. best of luck to you 🙏🏻 and take care:)

maybe i misunderstand but it kind of looks like you are first negating this and then describing how it's exactly the case? i might be wrong though. dissociation is a spectrum. in its milder forms, it is more like depersonalisation or derealisation, feeling strange in your body, like you aren't really there as a self anymore. you might look at your hands or your reflection in the mirror and get a very weird feeling from that. some people go physically numb or their senses become a bit clouded like there's cotton around their ears. alternatively, they may be hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant while still feeling very strange in their bodies, with their thoughts and senses. people can freeze physically, but they could also still move while feeling completely out of touch with themselves. in its more extreme forms, dissociation can cause you to start shaking uncontrollably, experience gaps in memory and lose control over your body, i.e. drop to the ground. the most common skill to deal with dissociation is either heat, cold, or physical exercise. the reason people dissociate is typically for self-preservation or protecting their mental faculties from traumatic events. every person can potentially dissociate, for example during a car accident (or in your case SA) - it would make it so that painful events wouldn't seem as real or close to YOU anymore. for those with trauma (post-traumatic stress or personality disorders), dissociation can become a learned response that keeps being reactivated even if the present trigger is no longer as objectively intense as a car accident, and it can be almost tempting to get lost in that world and you kind of don't know anymore if it's good or bad to be in that dissociated state. if you want to get therapy and work on the painful events causing problems in your life, though, it's tough to do that when you are constantly dissociating, i.e., not letting the therapist or yourself access the painful emotions underlying this behaviour that the behaviour seems to be sheltering you from in the first place...so it can be a bit of a vicious cycle, and, again, depending on how uncontrollably it affects a person, quite dangerous. this is also where pretty bad levels of self-harm can occur...cause people are so out of touch with themselves and don't even know anymore how to handle the way their bodies and minds are reacting. ...but it counts as dissociation way before it comes to that. sorry for the oversharing:) i'm quite fascinated with the topic.

hi there:) so i'm still in the process of figuring out what i should do with myself, and this has been quite stressful tbh. while i'm trying to decide on further university programmes etc. i may want to sign up for, i figured that one thing i could do now, without a degree, is to write a cookbook or even start a recipe blog. in general, i really enjoy cooking and baking, i enjoy creating new recipes or watching health and nutrition-related content on YouTube. while i have been thinking for a while that i could also start making my own content, i have a number of concerns in this regard. as i have a pretty intense eating disorder history and have been experiencing more immediate symptoms again in the past few months, not only may the aspect of thinking about recipes etc. be triggering - so may the whole body image aspect, "putting myself out there", being vulnerable etc. i am not fond of the whole self-presentation thing, this idea of needing to "sell yourself" online, and i estimate it would be a huge, huge trigger for me to think about how i am being perceived all day every day. some of you may know that it was a huge fuss for me to have a profile picture with my face on here....and i doubt i'd be comfortable showing my body or even just my face on a blog post or on the cover/inside of my hypothetical cookbook. in general, my vision would be to combine recipes with some kind of framework that communicates more gentle nutrition tips, as i am aware that while many people on this planet need to lose weight and the aggressive approach of certain fitness coaches online may yield great results for some people, it can also aggravate mental symptoms in others as nutrition is not just scientific and objective - it's also subjective, emotional, and psychological. so i'd like my recipes to be framed by that kind of compassionate approach and include tips on how to have a healthy relationship with food etc. (which i don't have yet). anyway, i don't know if i can realistically do this with the current body image and disordered eating challenges at hand that i am facing in my personal life. i also assume it might be quite embarrassing to try this kind of thing, if people who know me find out about it. i'm also not sure to what extent this kind of domain presupposes i'd have to start making videos for YouTube/Instagram, if i'd want my cookbook or blog to be successful. by the way, i also do not have the slightest idea how to start a blog in the first place - if anybody knows, fire away:)

@Leo Gura well now it all makes sense why duolingo taught me to say that the butterfly is reading a book and the caterpillar is sad.

in this context i mean that certain emotions may be there (lingering underneath the surface) but not part of your awareness and thus contributing to your "state" despite not being felt explicitly. a shift in state can occur that would make the contributing emotions explicit and re-shape your present experience/where awareness 'goes' as a whole, or what is part of your scope of awareness. don't quote me on this, i'm just making it up as i go. sorry if it sounds very fuzzy...i'm just trying to point to stuff you can observe in your present experience and how it 'morphs' from moment to moment. maybe it would work better with an example.

good question:) i think it's like the totality of my physical and emotional sensations, my subjective experience (thoughts, feelings) and how they all interact with and influence one another, how they are basically entangled in some sort of matrix.

i've got a question because i usually work out in the mornings and some of the nutrition advice that i've seen online conflicts in this regard. on the one hand, it's advised to consume around 30g of carbs (preferably simple rather than complex) to fuel the workout, which makes sense to me. on the other hand, women specifically are advised to get around 15g of protein within an hour of waking for hormonal reasons, and carbs in the morning may set you up for more of a blood sugar roller coaster later in the day. as i (currently) don't want to have my full breakfast before i work out and prefer to eat more after i am finished, i wonder what the macros of an ideal pre-workout snack, which is simultaneously my first 'meal'/snack of the day, should look like. so far i've been focussing more on carbs but idk if that is really beneficial or not.

@HopefulMan that sounds really difficult. if you don't mind that i keep digging (let me know when it's too much)....you say "intense situations" - what demarcates a situation as such, aside from an emotion that may or may not be felt? for example, in such a situation, do you fidget a lot or feel yourself dissociating (most simply in the form of depersonalisation/derealisation, "feeling strange in your body", or like your self/ the 'doer' is not there anymore)? where are your thoughts going? again, the theory i was taught in this context is that internal pressure or a perceived crisis can be so intense that access to emotions is completely blocked, and the way to access them is to start by releasing and regulating tension. i don't know if this applies to your situation, but maybe you can check in and see if this feels accurate next time things seem intense. one way of checking is if physical stimuli (exercise, hot/cold water, very spicy or sour food) change your state at all. ....and something else that came to mind: can you give yourself some self-compassion throughout this? it might make a huge difference for your system to know that you're not blaming yourself for struggling at the moment, and it's okay that you are still working on figuring things out.

@Ramasta9 @Natasha Tori Maru hey:) i had to think of our discussion again this afternoon, particularly the timing of meals. i was wondering how you do/would handle things if you have a workday or some other thing impacting your meal timing. does that upset you at all? for example, i'm currently doing an internship and don't feel comfortable eating at work, so to make that fit my schedule, i have to eat before work at 7am and then after work at 3pm... which is not ideal for me, but i don't see how else i would make that work. do you mind it when you have to eat your meals outside your home, and in this case, would you just eat at work to stick to the timing, or adjust your timing to be able to eat at home? sorry if i'm being so meticulous about this topic:) i'm currently working on figuring out a new structure that works for me and try to hear inspiration from people who seem to have their relationship with food figured out:) btw i tried training fasted a few times and it went okay depending on how late i had my last meal the day before, and also depending on the intensity of the exercise.

@HopefulMan yes, i can relate to this problem of either not talking about things, or talking about them while being very detached and cut off from my emotions. i believe there can be a gradual learning curve with this, though. it helps to stop yourself once or twice a day, maybe close your eyes, breathe, and tell yourself that you'll stay with you and your emotions. if you can't share your emotions with others (yet), it's okay to focus on feeling on your own for now, or to find points of connection that feel more accessible and less serious or grandiose.

money can also be a trap:) "is everything a trap?" - no, but the tough part is it takes some discerning with any given thing, situation, or circumstance. saying that everything is a trap - that, too, is, unfortunately, a trap. you don't need to freak out over traps, just be conscious that some may be out there and even if you fall for one, you can get up again and keep going.

i'm sorry you had to go through that. you can keep trying with the psychedelics, although i don't have much input in that regard. what i would suggest though is that you can definitely supplement a psychedelic routine with a number of daily habits that can help you connect with yourself. journalling comes to mind....it might make you aware of some of the things that you didn't even think were there. if you feel a lot of tension in your body, you might not know that there are ways to down-regulate this tension that will then help you access the underlying emotions. these are gonna be more of the uncomfortable ones (guilt, shame, fear, hatred, anger, despair, hopelessness, grief...) but accessing them temporarily - knowing that they can't kill you and they will pass - can open the door to other emotions (joy, desire, excitement, happiness, gratitude, hope, love, ....) as well. speaking of which, i wouldn't necessarily give up on therapy entirely, especially if you can afford it/insurance can cover it for you. sometimes it simply takes looking into a different approach or finding the right practicioner. if you have ptsd as a result of the abuse, have you ever looked into dbt?

it's good to hear that you seem to be finding your way:) take care!

hi there:) things are a bit all over the place here at the moment, so i am partly distracting myself by asking this, but also trying to address at least one tiny piece of the puzzle. in the past two months, certain symptoms have gotten a lot worse for me as a result of increased interactions with my parents. i feel really bad that i am basically still so childish for letting them affect me this deeply - but they are one of my most prominent triggers to this day. most recently, i got triggered quite badly by them simply asking about my future plans and when i will get my degree... - and i have a feeling this lingering dependence on them, even if it is subtle, is also enhancing pressure at the moment. but i'm also stressed in and of itself trying to figure out my career and financial independence. i've shared this many times before, but for my anorexia recovery, a critical (life-saving) aspect was moving away, and then i stayed away for five years without visiting once, until last summer. during this time, we had a number of phone calls that resulted in similar bad reactions on my end, though. due to my current increase in difficult symptoms, i am wondering again if reducing contact with my parents is the only way for me to get better. i guess the alternative would be to radically improve our communication and my own stress tolerance during our interactions, but i don't even know if i want this... sometimes i don't even want to improve things with my parents - i just want to RUN. ...but they're also not bad enough for me to cut them out completely. i like comparing myself to my brother and, for reference, he seems to be okay when interacting with my parents, or at the very least he experiences less personal conflict when trying to navigate being close vs. needing space. so i guess my question is - is it healthy to reduce contact or is that the lazy/easy way out that actually bypasses any opportunities we'd have to improve together? is my unwillingness to give this a try just avoidance of the growth we could achieve together if we actually wanted to? i also keep wondering to what degree i am just weird and a horrible person that acts weird for no reason vs. my parents are toxic and it is only natural i turned out this way. or something inbetween - it's hard to tell how much of what i feel is justified vs. just toxic.

i am thinking that i could start something (blog, website, IG) that's very low-level for the time being. but then there's the pressure of actually finding a company/website/IG account name....how do i come up with something i won't end up hating in case the vision crystallises and becomes clearer/more ambitious in the future? right now, that's holding me back a bit from simply trying things out, because it seems like i have to know exactly where i'm going, and i don't.

hurting myself is how i win arguments. that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship. it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.

@Majed how do you know that would work? maybe temporarily, but what happens then?

it's kind of like being enlightened as a monk vs as a regular person having to handle financial attachments etc. you could argue that the monk has it easy because their life is set up in such a way as to discourage any sort of attachment they may have - so have they really mastered detachment, are they really enlightened? i think the same logic can be applied to suicide: it's easy to exist undefined, as God. existing as a form that needs to survive WHILE maintaining detachment from said survival, that's the challenge. so is living through the ugliness and corruption of survival while ultimately still looking back and going "oh, that still counted though. that was still a valid form of Love, no matter how small and contracted". all these spiritual ideas on and around suicide, if anything, are more a case in point for human attachment to survival. if you weren't attached to your experience (suffering vs no suffering), you would not care about being alive. you would not even notice whether or not you are alive, because yes, indeed, there is no difference.

oh my God, i'm really sorry to hear that! it's very strong and brave of you that you manage to see the Light and Goodness in such a traumatic event. i know i'd be fighting that perspective, and i can tell it takes a lot to be able to see the light in all the pain. i guess financial independence would be nice. i have a job, but not enough to cover all my expenses. if i could make enough to cover all my living costs on my own, they'd have less of a say about what i do with my life. working on that in the months to come. it's always funny because i feel so lost and helpless and want "the Universe" telling me what to do, but every time my parents try to get involved, it's like the worst thing that could happen. it's weird to crave guidance and then reject it when it comes from them. i guess this is just something i can't quite make sense of psychologically - and i'd like to make sense.

no thanks:)