Judy2

i'm awfully mean, unfriendly, and angry with my parents. even though they are helping me move and paint my apartment. ...need to think of some ways to be nicer to them and say thank you. maybe get a small gift for dad or plan a nice activity we can do together.

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moving this weekend. i'm glad to be able to leave while feeling love and appreciation for this place that has been my home for some very formative years of my life. i'm also glad that i am able to leave in a state where i am a lot more hopeful about the future than i was expecting to be, knowing - at least roughly - what's next, what my goals are, and what i'm working on.

if you allow yourself to feel your emotions more consciously, they won't build up as much and won't overwhelm you in the moment. so the task is to register and deal with the subtle anxiety that starts building up before it completely overwhelms you. you can also start introspecting in a quiet moment what fear is and what it is that you are generally afraid of in life. and sometimes the best way to defeat fear is to run toward the monsters and give them a big hug. when i had a panic attack earlier this year and a psychologist talked to me, he had a very strict tone and wanted me to recite what exactly had happened in the moments leading up to the attack. i didn't find it helpful at the time, but maybe there is something to this strategy. other than that (shocker, i know): have you considered getting therapy/counselling? if it's not accessible to you, there are also many resources online to help you learn about your nervous system and how to calm it down. you can google the butterfly hug and other vagus nerve stimulation exercises. other things that might help are grounding yourself through hot and cold showers, running up and down the stairs, looking for 5 blue things in the room, then 4 orange ones, 3 red ones, 2 yellow ones, 1 black one (or any other colour and you could also include other senses, like saying 5 things you see, 4 that you hear, 3 that you feel, 2 that you smell, 1 that you taste). ground yourself through your senses (strong smells like coffee beans, vinegar; intense flavours like chilli, lemon, or sour candy; the visual exercise i described above; or physical stuff like running, squats, hot and cold showers, sucking on ice cubes or running ice cubes across your skin until they melt - the physical stuff probably works best for states of anxiety, the others might not work for you). i've also had a handful of panic attacks due to excessive caffeine consumption lol. in case this is you, you know what to change:) sorry for the advice:)

i've been observing my inner monologue and it sometimes seems as though it's more of a dialogue. like there's the inner voice just rambling thoughts all day long, and some kind of responder going "true", "yes we should do that", "are you sure?", "not really, right?", "but i also feel that....", but maybe this "responder" is also more emotional/me trying to sense any sort of reaction that my system may have to a given statement. or maybe it's just the (illusory) thinker/perceiver divide that i become aware of in these moments? is this just me sensing the individual "parts" that my self consists of, or how would you describe this phenomenon? idk what's the broader significance of this, it's just something i've been noticing. perhaps it speaks to how much i'm generally identified with this voice in my head. when i'm at the gym doing cardio, it's a unique situation because i can basically tell myself "look, i don't even have to do anything right now" because all i have to do is endure a bit of physical pain, but finally my inner voice isn't required to achieve anything in that moment (other than dealing with the boredom). it's kind of fascinating how much bs my thoughts keep rambling all day just because they don't have anything else to do lol. it's like all they can do is talk, and so they talk, and talk, and talk. when i'm still sleepy in the mornings, and my brain starts talking, sometimes i'm more likely to see how nonsensical all of it is, and how i'm just making random statements in my head. any thoughts on this? what is your inner monologue like if you have one? is it totally coherent or a bit scattered, like mine? i know that not all people have an inner monologue. some also aren't able to imagine visuals inside their head due to aphantasia. i have both the visuals and the monologue, with greater emphasis on the monologue/inner voice.

in the life purpose course, i've finally arrived at the section on values assessment last week. i've tried to do some of the exercises but find that it's difficult to get clear on my values. the hardest part is probably that i am supposed to imagine what my "ideal" self would value, which is driving me more into hypothetical "should" territory where i imagine some picture book version of myself....it's hard to say if this would be the authentic me though. for example, i can't get quite clear on how much i actually value community. is it just social anxiety that's in the way, or is my desire for engaging with other people in a communal way naturally low, or something inbetween? it's also really hard to determine if a value is mildly important vs the thing everything else hinges upon for me. and i have the same issue with many other core values as well. i guess it's a bit of a catch 22 because you need to know your ideal self to know what you value, but you need to know your values to know your ideal self. and then this usually culminates in me trying to analyse myself like some omniscient narrator, rather than connecting with myself. any advice on how to gain a bit more clarity? is there any method to make this inquiry simpler, rather than drifting off into too theoretical territory?

this may be true at the moment. it may even have been true for quite a while. but it's not a universal truth about you. was there ever a point in life when things did come easy to you? what did you enjoy doing as a kid?

@UnbornTao i remember that Nahm used to point out the two mes/yous a lot.

except for a few instances of feeling energised and many instances of feeling stressed, i've been feeling so bored these past few days. so bored. such a weird problem to have.

thank you, @SimpleGuy i've watched the episode, but i don't think Leo will be mad:) he'll probably think it's good that i came up with something on my own, rather than copying from his videos. the words chosen for the values list have to make sense to me personally, and i find truth almost too abstract, like i don't even know what's meant by that. besides, there's not much use in making it all look good on paper if it's not helping me navigate my lived experience, which is what ultimately matters. being a good person "on paper" and "in theory" doesn't really do much for anyone.

@SimpleGuy infj.

@Joshe the course makes the distinction between positive vs negative motivation, too.

okay so i'm currently in a phase of figuring out what's next for me in terms of university, internships, and jobs. this is stressful in and of itself and causing a lot of anxiety. sometimes i talk to my mother about these things and she's trying to help, and sometimes she makes helpful suggestions, but every time she doesn't or misunderstands what i'm even working on at the moment, i feel disproportionately hurt and upset, even violated. even though i know she's just trying to help. why? why is the emotion there in the first place, and why is it so much stronger than any rational understanding of the fact that she's genuinely just trying to help. i feel like a bad daughter for not even being able to show her that i see that she means well. feeling misunderstood by my mother is generally so painful. it's worse when it's about important things (like applications and finding a job), but it's still bad when it's about totally insignificant things. i don't know if strangers on the internet can provide any insights on this. you probably can't tell me either. but i feel so broken because my emotions work that way and i don't even know why i react so strongly. oh, and my mother and i sometimes try having rules about simply not bringing up certain topics because i notice they keep hurting me, but then we break these rules again and again and in a moment of connection, we want to talk again and share our ideas, and then she signals some subtle misunderstanding again and i feel so hurt. it's the same pattern again and again.

the song is already 15 years old, but i've never watched the video before. really sad. sadder even to know that this is what everyday life looks like for so many women.

yeah it's been recommended to me before:) i started reading it and will finish it in a bit.

ok i'll try it out:)

sometimes it's so loud that i have to ask the people i'm with if i already said that thing out loud or only thought about saying it. but i realise that's not what you're asking:) i will try to feel more into it. also not what you're asking, but thoughts are fascinating because where do they even take place?

i had an lsd trip a few years ago where i was shocked for half an hour because i figured out i had never seen a single thing in my life, and i can't see. it felt like such a familiar insight, like i'd only forgotten about it some time ago, but i had known this before and it was just shocking to remember. really cool:)

yes. i forget about it often, but Life is much more real and immediate than the finite person that i think i am. like even (and only) now. i [perceive] my surroundings and the body and the thoughts....so if anything, i am (my) Life, rather than some conceptual person at the interface of some external separate world i'm "interacting" with. it should be obvious but we overlook this so often. Life is a much simpler, united notion, as opposed to the conceptual separate self that is interacting with a separate world, undergoing a constant process of perceiving, doing, interacting.

isn't it the case that schizophrenics outsource this voice in their head more and experience it as intrusive?

i think i don't really know what schizophrenia means.

it's funny because i feel a lot of boredom during cardio, and then the one thing i could do is make calculations with the time and speed and distance, but my math brain shuts down when i'm running.

put like that, it sounds scary.

@LastThursday okay, thank you. maybe i should also work on not seeing it as "bad" when an uncomfortable emotion arises. instead, i could just leave the situation and allow myself to feel things through calmly.

i don't live with my parents anymore if that's what you thought. most of our misunderstandings happen on the phone or during visits. you might be onto something though. but it's not like marriage always automatically resolves people's emotional problems.