Judy2

i meant: brains consist of fat and water. (plus some sugar and protein).

your brain is also fat (and water).

Every time I try to fill in a form for my taxes, I am astonished that these forms are even legal. I finished high school with the equivalent of a 4.0 GPA and went on to university. And still, I have no idea what they are even asking, what legal paragraphs they are referring to, or what half of these words mean...and I relied on ChatGPT for at least half the form. Is that smart? - No. Can I afford an accountant? - No. How is this possible? There are people in this country, I assume, who are less intelligent or educated than myself - how can we expect these people to even remotely understand what the government wants them to fill in on these forms, when even someone with a good education can't understand??? Why are we making taxes so difficult, why can't the state just ask normal questions without using complicated technical terms and figure the rest out for themselves?

i met someone at a hostel two weeks ago and we had a few conversations. we didn't exchange numbers, but i liked him and he was very charismatic. found him online and i am wondering if it would be weird to reach out to him? he's a little older than me, so maybe he'd find it weird if i leech onto him like that.

i am trying really hard to figure out an appropriate response lol. thank you, but i don't want anyone thinking that lemons work on me?

i'm not really happy today. i was happy for a very brief moment, after speaking with a doctor who was quite kind and who wrote me a letter so that i can have my legs checked by an orthopedist (because of my shin splints). then i went to a yoga class, which was very frustrating. it's supposed to be for beginners, but it was all way too fast, i hate how i'm supposed to listen to the whole "right arm to the left, left leg to the right, then up..." ... for a whole hour, do the exercises while watching the instructor (when the poses involve bending my head...)...and i feel judged by the instructor whenever i don't manage or when i'm out of balance and not stable enough. i went home, i feel so bored and lonely, all my friends are on holiday....i haven't properly connected with anyone in weeks. in the evening, i pushed myself to go outside again, but there were too many people and i felt very annoyed. probably pms. i'm kind of depressed now. bored and stressed. there are a handful of things to do, including my tax report and some applications, and it's all very frustrating because they seem to be never-ending projects that i can never quite get over with. everything feels pointless, i spend too much time thinking about money, which is completely useless and not even helpful in any way. ugh. body image also sucks - funny how that can change in just 1 day.

...................................................................................

okay, i'm glad... when i posted this, i wasn't sure if it was cringe enough. ...this would be fire to watch on lsd, though.

these past few days, body image has been a little better than usual. i have had the time to go to the gym more consistently, and i also challenged myself to go to some yoga classes. there are a handful of things about the setting of a yoga class that make me deeply uncomfortable, but in general this has felt like doing something good for me and my body.

if you have experienced affective instabilities before (the diagnosis schizoaffective disorder suggests you have), how do you think these intersect with schizophrenia (or the psychotic elements of schizophrenia)? where does one end, where does the other begin? can they be conceptually separated (based solely on your experience), or are they homogeneously intertwined?

there's something painful that happened more than two years ago, and for some reason i am thinking about it more than usual these days. it makes me sad. and i don't know what to do, other than to wait and sit with the pain. which feels quite horrible. i know that, at the time, i was trying quite desperately to get rid of the emotions i felt, to resolve them, somehow, but i couldn't. this resulted in a collection of neat little scars on my thigh...much neater, much more orderly, than the situation that had led up to them. it sucks, being wiser now, perhaps. knowing that i cannot call or text a soul on this planet to feel better, to fix what happened, to undo it. and more scars will not help me, either. all i can do is sit with the pain, and let it be. which is quite a dissatisfying state....because what happens next? it's so torturous to wait, and wait, and wait....and things get neither better nor worse. i know that for a long time i had to make them worse, just to feel like i was doing something about it.

i need to get this off my chest and hope it won't be used against me by anyone. i have been teaching three sisters French for a couple of weeks, since they switched schools and need to keep up with their peers. i have an undergrad degree in English with French as a secondary subject. the girls' dad pays me cash after the French lessons and is sending me heart emojis all the time. (that combo makes me feel like a prostitute.) more hearts and kisses than i have ever received from any lover. he praises me a lot, touched my back twice when showing me out, but other than that, he hasn't acted inappropriate. he insists on paying for lessons that we had to cancel, and i am hesitant to accept that because usually, no one has ever offered to do that, let alone this amount. he also pays more than any other parents have ever paid me before for tutoring their children. i feel a bit overwhelmed and don't know how to communicate with him. my goal was to hand in a document for my tax report in September (since i also have other students and would like to advertise my private tutoring services more officially), but his response was "don't be like that" and i felt too shy to be more persistent. what do i do? do i just start writing official invoices and present them to him via email, and he'll have to accept that? he's so fond of me for some reason and voluntarily upped the amount he pays me a couple weeks in, so if he thinks i'm so important, he should handle the fact that i want to do this the right way? i think it's just so strange he voluntarily sends me more money all the time.

so will you eat salmon and eggs while being vegan? or maybe i misunderstood.

i've considered buying some frozen mussels because i'm iron deficient again, but i couldn't find any without the shells still on. mussels are said to feel less pain than other animals, so i have been thinking they might be a tolerable option. this sounds a little like it wouldn't be enough protein or calories in general. is that really healthy for you? is it something you will be able to stick with in the long term?

i've been thinking about renaming this journal. do you have any suggestions?

ok:)

he hasn't texted back yet. i think i'm annoying...even though i haven't said that much. but i'm still convinced that i'm annoying or too much or something, and he only messaged me because he felt sorry for me or didn't want me to feel embarrassed for reaching out.

for all the German speakers, i'd go as far as to say, this is in fact not cringe because they are being cringe on purpose. it's just art at that point. for all the others...i leave that for you to judge:) the song is about pineapples, in case that matters.

i had a few good moments over the past few days, but there's also this feeling of disgust and overwhelm sneaking in, getting bigger. there are a lot of things not going as smoothly as they should, and it makes me irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. it's this creepy feeling that makes me want to act a little crazy just to feel better, to feel a little safer again.

i added him and he messaged me first....although he kept it very short and started his message with "Judith!", now idk if that's good or not.

i don't know if anyone can relate, but i've been wanting to discuss the following type of situation: it's usually a social situation that i just smile through, and once it's over i bathe in the shock or outrage. wouldn't exactly call it cringe, but it's very emotionally intense. last time it happened was when an elderly couple on the train chatted with me, then invited me to stay at their place for free. i nodded politely all throughout, and once we parted, i just had to shake my body and couldn't really cope for a few minutes. or when a professor whom i had asked a question answered with "oh geeez, i don't know. you'll have to look that up again. it's not me who has to take the exam." i just nodded politely and afterwards i had to text like three friends to channel the shock. it's kind of fun and accelerating when that happens, though. i would be curious to hear everybody's thoughts on this dynamic or if you tend to experience something similar every now and then:)

i did that a couple years ago. if i think i need it (usually i don't), i can just use my computer and open it in the browser.

any HOTD fans on here? how do you feel about season 3? who is your favourite character? who is the character you can best identify with and/or relate to? what do you love about season three? what do you hate about it? (spoilers are allowed)

is flying like swimming in the air in your dreams?

i'm an INFJ, too. most of the time, i don't wear the same outfit two days in a row, but if the clothes aren't dirty, i would save certain pieces and wear them again a few days later before washing them (except for shirts, socks, and underwear). i do stick to certain combinations of clothes, though, as soon as i have found one that i like. for example, my blue skirt is usually best paired with a particular top, and so forth.