Judy2

thank you:) Good luck to you, too!

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.

that sounds like a decent plan! i have gone through many different extremes, hence why i am trying to figure out what's healthy for me in the long-term and it's why i am asking what works for other people. i know a lot of nutrition labels by heart after having had an eating disorder for a long time, so i have a lot of knowledge about nutrition, but i am uncertain to what degree it's good or bad for me to let that influence my food choices. i'm still figuring that out.

@bazerathank you for sharing! how do you think you'll handle this when trying to maintain your goal weight? if you have given that any thought so far.

there is a functional, relative distinction between Truth-realisation and the clinical phenomena of dissociation, depersonalisation, and derealisation. the average person experiencing dissociation on a regular is steeped in trauma-driven thinking, needs to have their skin stitched up every other week, ruminates over their abusive ex-boyfriend and may occasionally experience significant gaps in memory or collapse in spasms on the ground. i'm exaggerating a bit for the sake of pointing out that these are different phenomena, and it doesn't mean a person more prone to dissociation necessarily "has the Truth" - quite the opposite. they are the Truth, yes, like everybody else, but dissociation in the clinical sense is not as clean-cut as a proper spiritual ego death the way you may think. there's much more nuance and variety in how precisely the ego breaks down/detaches. i would even argue there's still a very strong core of ego present with (clinical) dissociation, because it's a very crisis and survival-driven stress response. the two are definitely related, but also somewhat distinct. or maybe not.

you're welcome. i wish you all the best:)

okay, i'll try my best:) spontaneously, what i would say that the overwhelming appearance and your thoughts and emotions that are triggered in reaction to it - while being seemingly situated in a chain of causation - are ultimately both on the same plane of awareness. as they say, "don't resist your resistance" - or "accept your inability to accept something". if we keep that in mind, it means being aware of the troubling object (whatever it is) as well as your painful reactions to it. conversely, it would be inauthentic and probably counterproductive to try to delude yourself into not feeling a certain reaction that has already been triggered anyway - best to address these emotions upfront. so, in other words, resistance is best reduced by first removing the resistance you feel toward resistance itself.

i don't really know how to answer your first question. all i can say is that everything leading up to and fuelling the dissociated state needs to be addressed, and emotional patterns or conflicts need to be confronted bit by bit (i think?). glad to hear you feel more normal again! cutting out caffeine is a good idea. i remember it had a strong impact on me back then, too. although a cup of green tea should be fine - it's mostly excessive consumption that's concerning. i was doing 2 litres of diet coke a day lol, and that definitely enhanced both dissociative symptoms and panic attacks. it's good to hear you are experiencing less self-judgement nowadays. self-compassion really is a nice thing to practise:) i do think it is important to acknowledge that, alongside awakening, the above is definitely also reminiscent of a recognised psychiatric/psychosomatic symptom. there are potentially many different shades to this experience - some can be cathartic, others can be a result of trauma, and many are probably somewhere in between. it's critical not to oversimplify in this regard. dissociation is not the same as a spiritual samadhi, but there are confusing overlaps. still, it's potentially dangerous to conflate these two, depending on who you are talking to. dissociation has a much more existential feel to it than other mental health symptoms, but it is also much more of a physiological symptom than spiritual awakening and it usually comes with a great deal of side-effects (impacted sensory perception, mobility, emotional function).

yes, sounds familiar. that's depersonalisation/derealisation. it can also be vice versa: depersonalisation/derealisation can trigger anxiety because it's a very odd, intimidating state. i experienced a pretty intense panic attack last year during dissociation. yes! that one also feels very familiar. it's like the state warps even familiar environments into something structurally different. yes, very good! hot/cold showers, ice cubes, physical exercise, using your senses to ground yourself. i would also describe any type of dissociation as the ego's attempt to "go into hiding" and, indeed, dissociate from the physical, emotional, and mental attributes it usually attaches to. typically, it's a reaction to help you deal with overwhelming circumstances or when responsibilities feel like they are too much for YOU to handle....so you almost take a step back and pretend like you're not even there anymore, or not personally involved. it's a stress-response, typically reserved for traumatic events. once this pathway has been activated, though, the activation threshold has been lowered, so it can keep getting activated more often without proper reason for it/can even become an unhealthy coping mechanism for some and an obstacle to successful psychotherapy, because intense emotions cannot be accessed, felt, or worked with. from what you describe, it sounds like you have also come to recognise the confusing aspect of how dissociation borders on the spiritual, but it can equally be driven by a lot of fear despite resembling an experience of no-self. personally, i found it hard to navigate this confusion as the dissociation was felt so spiritual and very addictive, and it was tough to let it go. three weeks sounds exhausting, though. how are you doing now?

okay, i will:) it's good to know that everyone here recommends it so much.

Thank you for the reminder, Lila! This one's already on my list.

i don't think you did anything wrong. i also don't necessarily think she met anybody else in that time. the psychology dynamic can be blamed on the circumstances under which you met and the somewhat unfortunate time frame. you two got close rather quickly, then one of you had to leave....and i think at some point she had to choose to "shut down" a bit as to avoid being vulnerable/getting her hopes up too much and ending up heartbroken. and this had to be a rather swiftly made, abrupt decision, because otherwise it would be a lot more painful to let emotions fade out over time. just my best guess after reading this:)

hi there:) so i'm still going back and forth on whether to start that recipe blog or write a cookbook. either way, i am noticing that there's so much pressure when choosing a potential name (for example for a website). would such a name be permanent or could it be changed later on? how do i decide on a name that doesn't feel weird to me? i could just do my full name, but i'm not sure if i am comfortable with that, either. and anything else with some catchy terms thrown together also seems weird. if i am trying to simply get started without overthinking it, i feel like real depth to my vision is lacking. but if i wait until the vision is there, i'll just sit around and procrastinate on the whole thing.

@Leo Gura when did you come up with "actualized.org" ? were you immediately certain that it's the right domain name?

@vibv yes but isn't that lame??

yeah i mean there are different degrees to this. are we sending 5-year-olds up our chimneys or do we hand them kid-safe knives to help cut some vegetables while supervised by mum? with the former being exploitative and potentially fatal, and the latter being a reasonable way of including children, boosting their confidence, and preparing them to become functioning members of a healthy, conscious society. i don't really understand your comment. i didn't mean to say anything remotely offensive. in fact, quite the opposite. what i was trying to say is: yes, we should find ways to include children in "normal" household tasks to an age-appropriate degree, while being conscious of the things that do and do not bolster their well-being - maximising the former and minimising the latter.

i am currently doing an internship at a bilingual kindergarten and have been observing the children's behaviour and also the adults' ways of relating to them. what stands out is this very particular way of how adults talk to children, namely by exaggerating emotional responses (shock, surprise, disappointment, approval, and on and on). i mean it's nothing new and i do this myself....when a kid tells me a story about how it was hit by another kid or how that kid said a 'bad word', i fake/exaggerate outrage and compassion, and when it tells me where their family's gonna go on vacation, i fake/exaggerate fascination...whereas with an adult, i'd be more casual while expressing "yeah, Italy is beautiful" (something like that). i guess there's nothing wrong with this and i know most adults interact with children this way - even though sometimes this entails overriding and even suppressing what's actually going on for them personally...think exhaustion, annoyance, worry, etc. in new parents. now i wonder if this exaggerated emotional pattern is the only way of actually relating to children, essentially by copying how their experience is 'structured' as human beings who have been alive for only four, five, six years. i mean of course they are going to perceive things differently....but i wonder if exaggerating emotions is the only way for adults to relate to children, or if there are other options that may be more serious/authentic. would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially if we have any parents/aunties/uncles here:)

@Natasha Tori Maru maybe that's a bit macabre, but sometimes i think about getting to stay with my grandmother the day she has to go. i always imagine that as a privilege...but i can also empathise with your struggle and this internal battle of whether you were supposed to or even wanted to stay in the room with your grandfather or not. if this actually happened to me, i'd probably feel the same. in general, though, i also see a lot of Beauty in Death. i'd be sad to see my grandma go, for sure, but i'd also feel so lucky to be there with her, to feel everything going on in those few moments, and to watch myself struggle to find the right words, which i acknowledge would probably be quite tough to do. i guess this would only work with grandparents, though. i'd be a complete wreck watching anyone else leave, knowing it would be prematurely.

yeah and these children probably passed on trauma for generations. but there's a parenting technique, i don't know what it's called, where children are integrated more into the household and the practical things done every day instead of being offered toys. while i think play is crucial for proper development, too, i like the idea of actually letting kids be part of the household early on and participating in a simplified, child-appropriate way.

@aurum yes that's also true:)

lol i just saw your "i want solipsism to be true" post:) *friendly nudge "I need solipsism to be true." who does? why?

i agree:) that's why i sometimes feel like it's a bit off when Leo discusses his obsession with Truth as completely devoid of human impurities or biases. if you think about it, though, this is kind of similar to how a great surgeon may have been inspired by childhood trauma (like losing a loved one) in their career - which doesn't negate their achievements, though. it just means that from the human perspective, we could always argue that there are psychological "impurities" motivating the pursuit of great things/ awakening. there simply has to be some kind of "story" from inside the dream to explain the journey of a "person" (or at least as humans we like to think that way). the awakening can be pure and legit anyway, though. at least that's the best explanation i could come up with for now. other than that, i think this issue basically boils down to Self-Deception 101. why do people ask intellectual questions like "is there a multiverse? (i want there to be a multiverse)" or "is solipsism true?" in this sub-forum? cause they want quick confirmation of the "truth" of something so that the scary story they told themselves about said thing can quickly be dismissed....then they move on to the next thing to be scared of, and on and on. i'd say it's a subtle fear for most people, but it can be a very obvious lived experience to others.

it seems like you already understand the mechanics of what went "wrong" - namely, your resistance to certain thoughts only amplified them further and made you more anxious. as you mentioned that you are struggling with the length of lsd trips: do you set aside an entire day (ideally a Saturday or a personal equivalent in your schedule) and the morning after? this already helps free up your attention. another tip that comes to mind is creating a gentle plan for the last third of the trip. you don't have to resort to it, but in case things are getting confusing, it might be helpful to have a few activities or tricks to change the setting up your sleeve, for example, by putting on music, changing the lighting, watching a specific video about meditation or spirituality, and so on. sometimes having this emergency plan at the back of your mind can already help calm you down and it'll be a nice way to bridge the rougher parts of the trip if you forget that it'll also come to an end in a few hours

yeah, i like that one:) i do it with colours most often. (5 red, 4 yellow, etc.) ...but including the other senses also makes sense. i fully agree in theory - but also know that this can be tough to implement in practice. i suppose the understanding of how crucial this is comes and goes (at least for me), but is, hopefully, ever-deepening:) have you tried the butterfly hug? i would say it would also fit in this category. Thank you very much! i like how you divided your response into different categories, because depending on the specifics of a situation, different reactions may be required. you're very strong:) take care:)

i feel like i couldn't really articulate my question well here. guess it doesn't matter:)