Judy2

hi there:) i dimly remember asking about this before, but can't remember the conclusion we came to. so i was vegan for six years and started eating eggs and dairy again two years ago. i eat dairy-based products mostly for protein, but usually gravitate toward the low-fat products. and i mean really low fat, sometimes the 0.1% (still single-ingredient and no added sugar). i eat other healthy fats from nuts and high-quality oils, but i've been wondering if swapping the dairy for higher fat varieties would be a good call? it's something i started wondering about because i consume a lot of artificial sweeteners, which are also low calorie but not necessarily healthy and i'm so used to the indigestion, but tbh my body doesn't exactly like them. they're still hard to cut out, though, but it's something i would like to work on. i'm sure i'd also be able to enjoy plain low fat yoghurt, but anyway, this still got me wondering about the fat percentage of choice. lower fat products are lower in calories, obviously, but i'm not sure if the swap to higher fat dairy would have a huge impact on my total caloric consumption in a day....i'd probably find ways to balance this out, although protein might be slightly lower overall, then? maybe not concerningly low, but a little bit? or maybe there are other concerns to be had with 3.5% yoghurt that i'm not even aware of? for example saturated vs unsaturated fats?

so my current situation is the following: i got my undergraduate degree in English literature last winter (after 5 and a half years; usually this degree should take 3 years). it took me 2,5 years longer due to some mental crises along the way and the fact that, despite loving the language, i didn't have anything meaningful to move toward while studying it. had i known what i want, i could have done it in 3 years..but i don't know what i want and that is an ongoing problem. i am now in a new city studying psychology, but this is another undergraduate degree, as the German system does not allow you to convert to other subjects for the master's. i like psychology and there are several subjects i find really interesting, for example social psychology and also the neurological foundations of cognition and affect, which is something i don't know a lot about and it's rather enlightening to learn about. in general, psychology has always interested me on a personal level. it's just very intense in terms of the study load and i feel bad that basically the system considers all my efforts worthless as they are still considered "studying" rather than "working". i am experiencing a lot of stress trying to figure out my situation as i am not quite content living in a tiny apartment and still essentially not getting paid for all the effort i put into whatever it is that i do. i have good work ethic and i also experience a strong need in general to put my skills to good use, be appreciated for them, and feel like people can actually benefit from the things i am good at. i had hoped that maybe i could combine studying with already starting to work on the side, but that's something i haven't made much progress with so far. i love English, but i am not sure if the linguistic structures alone are meaningful enough for me to centre my entire life's work around, if that makes sense. i also don't want to be teaching very basic linguistic structures (like how to build the present tense in English) to German kids who are just starting to say their first words in English. but i do really love speaking in English. sometimes when i am on my own, i basically narrate to myself what i am doing, or when i do my make-up or cook, i'm essentially imitating an ASMR video lol. the confusing thing with languages as a career path is that they seem kind of devoid of meaning or like an empty shell, at least when it comes to rigidly teaching grammar or mechanically translating. i think for me this has had it's own appeal in the past, and maybe also personality-wise, it's been a relief or coping mechanism for me to reinvent myself as a competent speaker of different languages that aren't my native language...but i still wonder if that is "enough" for me as a career - and somehow, i don't think it is, and this has also been why i felt that i lacked meaning during the five and a half years when i was studying E lit. for me, it's not about how i say something, but what it is that i say, and i do want to speak and write meaningful words. so the whole picture looks different once we start talking psychology/maybe even sociology (or literary analysis, although that seems a little too far removed from having an impact on reality), and this add some dimension where i can maybe share some wisdom or personal insight - but there isn't necessarily a degree for that, or if there was, i'm sure it'd take five more years to get in Germany. i have three years of experience working as English teacher for adults (online), but that's not enough to make a living by any means. besides, my adult students' motivation is close to zero (as they have to attend as part of their training) and that isn't exactly fulfilling for me as a teacher. my hourly rate is pretty decent, though, so i just kind of tolerate it for now, because it's not like i have any other alternatives at the moment. in addition, i have applied to become a substitute teacher at a state school in the city i'm in now, but i'm not sure if this is actually worth it. it should give me some insight into the system, for sure, but the salary will be much lower than that of the teachers who have master's degrees. i've considered getting a master's (which would have to be related to my first degree), but i left that open for now, as i don't want to invest 2 years into a degree without having any idea if it reflects my career goals in the long term. to be honest, i'm just kind of frustrated with the German bureaucratic system and how it basically requires very specific combinations of degrees to get permission to work in any specific field. i can't just get three master's degrees to then figure out what it is i actually want. i've considered simply starting a website (i do not know how to do that - should i pay someone to create one for me?) and just putting myself out there, offering some kind of language coaching to adults/high school students who are about to do their A-levels. i think i'd enjoy working with that demographic as they should be going into it with some degree of intrinsic motivation and maybe there is demand for it, if only i start putting myself out there. i never tried that, so maybe that would be a start? and i don't have to do it forever, but maybe giving it a go would feel better than waiting and just thinking about the billion things i technically could be doing one day? the entire idea is basically that i want to participate in society and as i use other people's products and services, i'd feel so much better doing that without relying on my parents'/the state's financial support, but by being part of some kind of exchange system where my skills are actually worth something, i put them to good use and the appreciation pays off, so that i can finance my own consumption. sorry if this sounds super cryptic, it's just something i've been thinking about a lot. basically i need to experience a little more self-efficacy than i presently do, and i wonder how to achieve that. that's been quite stressful trying to resolve and i'm a little desperate by now. sorry for all the details; i'm just trying to paint the entire picture here and am hoping someone can maybe give some advice on how to deal with this entire situation?

@Joseph Maynor i know i'd need roughly 2.000€ a month to pay the rent for a nice apartment and comfortably cover all other costs.

@PsychedelicEagle that's a very high fat yoghurt. don't you guys also have high protein greek yoghurt with less fat (in the US, i assume)? i've heard conflicting stories about collagen and how it might be useless because it's broken down during digestion anyway. but maybe that doesn't matter.

@Sugarcoat :)

@PsychedelicEagle are you vegan?

is it bad to generate a website using AI? it looks alright to me, but i do not have a clue about these things and maybe there are some caveats i wouldn't be aware of?

@Majedok:) trusting the process is unnerving, but i know you are right.

@CARDOZZO the thing is, i don't even know if freelancing is something that works well for the kind of personality i have. i think i'd do pretty well being employed, having a contract and everything. i do well with security and when an external frame is provided by somebody else. but i'd have to get a 2-year master's degree to get any sort of employment in the language/literature field, so even if i choose that, i'm not getting what i need NOW, which is stability and this feeling of being at home and knowing i can settle. i can't settle and stop feeling stressed if i know i have to constantly work toward the future. and even if i got that master's degree, i wouldn't know if i'd be happy working as a teacher/textbook author/whatever forever. so idk if the two years are worth it. and meanwhile, i'd still have to live with this stupid feeling i'm battling a lot atm, and i just don't know how to make it stop and how to feel okay again and like i'm on the right track.

i feel very stupid and alone. stuck with a ton of emotions that i don't know how to handle. i just don't understand this world or myself or how to make things okay. how to make any of it make sense. i don't know anything. why this is such a constant struggle. it's all so so so much. no matter what i do, it's futile. i don't know what to do. can someone please just tell me what to do, and i'll do it? i would call someone but there's no one i can call and be honest with, and then i notice just how alone i am every second of every day, no matter how horrifyingly crowded some of the places in the city centre are. doesn't matter that there's a neighbour who i hear stomping on the ground, day and night. whose toilet i can hear flush because whoever constructed this building is an idiot. i'm so, so, so alone.

...................................................................................

@Majed i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be rude.

i know you mean well, but i don't think this is my problem. i have a lot of energy and, like i said, good work ethic. that's not the problem. the problem is i don't know how to adequately use my resources to actually make good things happen in my life. the problem is i don't know what to do. doing it is the easy part and not in the slightest a part of my struggle. i could work day and night if i knew it was right, if i knew what to work on.

@Majed i'm really trying but i can't.

@Majed it's so annoying being in my twenties. by the time i'll live in a beautiful apartment, work in the job i love and have some stability in my life, i'll have wrinkles and will have to start dyeing my hair. but i can't enjoy my youth or be present, either, because i constantly have to worry about the future, make decisions, figure out what to do and where to move. i hate it.

@sholomarprotein powder is also highly processed:)

basically, the problem is that i am so stressed out trying to figure out what to do with myself, and i'm a little desperate to find a solution. i just don't know how to actually put my talents to good use and do the things that will help me feel good in the present and in the long-term.

i went for another 50min/8km run, and i feel great:) it's really helped shut my stupid mind off for a bit, and now i feel much more comfortable than i did earlier this morning. i also love the route close to the fields and nature...the plants and wildlife that i can see around me while running. i saw my little bunny friend again in the same spot as last time, and also a pheasant? and of course lots of very nice-looking trees and purple flowers, along with the red poppy flowers and the blue sky. sublime, and it sounds so odd but the sight of them really calms me down and makes me feel so much better. i'm grateful that i have legs that can carry me this far, that i have the faith in myself to do this kind of thing regularly these days. i know little judy would be super proud if she could see me going on runs not because i'm trying to impress anyone, but exclusively because i know it's good for me and i feel good doing it. and i wore my new running shorts, which are a pale shade of purple, plus a tight white t-shirt, and i really liked that combo:) almost ordered two more of these shorts, but i'm trying to pace myself. so now i'm just a bit more hopeful and positive overall:)

@PsychedelicEagle okay...since i eat eggs regularly, too, maybe i shouldn't overdo it with the dairy then. i might also be able to have this tested.

@PsychedelicEagle no, i'm not looking to increase my caloric intake overall. i use soy milk, too, btw. and i supplement omega 3s. but of course it's still good to eat walnuts etc. anyway. the fat in dairy is more on the saturated side right? which isn't ideal?

no problem at all:) sucralose is an artificial sweetener. the problem with it is that it can draw a lot of water to your intestines.

@Natasha Tori Maru yes, that's why i specified that even if i buy low fat, i buy it plain and without added sugar....only to add my own sucralose nightmare to it lol. i've also checked the labels yesterday and was surprised that when comparing plain(!) yoghurt, the higher fat varieties have less (milk) sugar. never thought about that before. do you eat a lot of dairy in general?

since this morning, my mind has wandered from thinking about how i should start planning my summer holiday, to thinking i need to find a new apartment, to eventually thinking that no, it's financial independence that i need, and i should really figure out my career asap. i can feel the hyper-activation in my system. ugh. and i thought i'd had a "better" day today....also because i'm hoping that's what i can tell my therapist on thursday, because that's what he wants to hear from me. he doesn't want to hear about my stress or anxiety...and then i feel anxious for feeling anxious, and if i'm anxious maybe i should be anxious, because look! - i'm anxious. anyway, a couple of good things have also occurred today, though: i kept reading my stalker romance, i wore a nice outfit that i really liked and i almost thought i looked kind of pretty, the neuroscience lecture was freaky (in a good way) when it made me aware of the Miracle that is my inner monologue (two weeks ago, it was freaky when i managed to willingly turn The Dress from white&gold to blue&black and back), and i did good for one 168th of the week by tutoring my favourite student so far, and that's the one hour of 'good' that i know i've done today. problem is, i always leave with such a weird feeling because the tutoring comes natural to me and has me in a very rare state of flow and self-sufficiency, and i know i am helping a teenage girl who seemingly appreciates my help and personality-wise we just get along and feel comfortable around each other:) but i feel stressed trying to figure out what that says about my career choices and how i can make more of this happen in a good, realistic way. ...i'm looking into becoming a substitute teacher alongside my studies next term, just to see what that's like....but i'm not sure about the exact framework in which i will feel best....maybe teaching 1:1 suits me better, after all? anyway, stresses me out to think about this. then this evening i put on a YouTube podcast that's too long and i feel obligated to listen to the end, so i'm trying to multitask now and channel my energy into a billion different directions, which is completely pointless but my body doesn't know how to stop doing it. and again, somehow i'm scared to press stop and sit in silence instead? sit with myself, be with myself? i also figured yesterday, when i tried to focus on my book and felt frustrated because i was too anxious to focus, that i've been training myself for a good decade or so that anxious overthinking is the right call, the right thing to do, that it's more important than focussing on books or other things...so of course it's uncomfortable to try and read that book anyway, if my mind is screaming at me to put it down and solve the real issues - only that i can't do that, either. ...and i suppose a great deal of the stress that i have been feeling still relates to the question of my self-image, and what it will become as i grow older. this is tough because during my teenage years (some very formative years that - under less adverse conditions - would have been the time to figure out who i am and what would become of me) the only thing that kept me alive was to focus on starving myself and being the thinnest girl in the room. the only goal i had defined in my head for myself was that being as ill as possible is good. i wouldn't want to change what i've been through, no, i like it that way. but it's tough now, to try and be healthy. it feels bad. especially when i see so many other people around me stuck with the same mindset i used to have. every tuesday i uncover a new fellow borderliner in class - not tough to spot when you know the drill.

i went for a morning run outside and managed 8km in 48 minutes (if the GPS on my phone is accurate at all, that is), which is my new personal record. i know people do run marathons and ultramarathons, but it's probably good for me to be able to be proud of my own progress:) the yellow rapeseed fields have been replaced by red poppy flowers by now, and in general, being out in nature is a healing influence i appreciate very much. looking at the grasses and wildflowers, and a little baby rabbit that ducked down and tugged in its ears when it saw me pass by. the airplanes in the sky above.

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.