Judy2

i need to get this off my chest and hope it won't be used against me by anyone. i have been teaching three sisters French for a couple of weeks, since they switched schools and need to keep up with their peers. i have an undergrad degree in English with French as a secondary subject. the girls' dad pays me cash after the French lessons and is sending me heart emojis all the time. (that combo makes me feel like a prostitute.) more hearts and kisses than i have ever received from any lover. he praises me a lot, touched my back twice when showing me out, but other than that, he hasn't acted inappropriate. he insists on paying for lessons that we had to cancel, and i am hesitant to accept that because usually, no one has ever offered to do that, let alone this amount. he also pays more than any other parents have ever paid me before for tutoring their children. i feel a bit overwhelmed and don't know how to communicate with him. my goal was to hand in a document for my tax report in September (since i also have other students and would like to advertise my private tutoring services more officially), but his response was "don't be like that" and i felt too shy to be more persistent. what do i do? do i just start writing official invoices and present them to him via email, and he'll have to accept that? he's so fond of me for some reason and voluntarily upped the amount he pays me a couple weeks in, so if he thinks i'm so important, he should handle the fact that i want to do this the right way? i think it's just so strange he voluntarily sends me more money all the time.

@Olaf that's not exactly what the question was, but since i generally agree with what @Emerald said right in the beginning (didn't read everything after that), i thought i would offer a new perspective. my thoughts are that your investment in this topic seems a bit excessive, and that in itself tends to be off-putting. (sorry to be so harsh...i just noticed the amount of posts you start on this topic...) perhaps it's okay for some time to focus on improving at game or pick-up or whatever, but if that's all someone has to offer in terms of "hobbies"? it's okay to spend some time intentionally improving in this area, also in terms of social skills etc., but eventually, in my opinion, it would be wise to move on, actually "have a personality", be a little more self-sufficient. and then, since you have acquired that ability during this prior phase, only approach when it feels truly authentic. i can usually tell when i'm just the warm-up in what is practiced as a sport, vs when someone makes a genuine compliment. *i hope this doesn't sound too mean. it's not meant to sound that way.

last night, i had to sleep at a hostel that was way too loud and busy for my liking, and it didn't feel like a particularly safe place to sleep in. i woke up startled by noises several times, and when i drifted off to sleep again, my dreams reflected the sense of unsafety. i dreamed of a tortoise whose carapace had cracked, and then it had slipped out completely and was lying there, exposed and naked, maybe dying. it felt like a familiar image that i'd dreamed of before....like a threat that had been lingering at the back of my mind for quite some time. my brother has a pet tortoise, so i have actually pondered this before during my waking hours. i remember feeling pity for my tortoise....a bit of guilt, too. maybe it was my fault that its carapace had cracked. then i wondered if i could get to a vet in time to help it heal again. after some time, i was blessed to find myself with a baby in my arms that i nursed, which was quite calming to the both of us. maybe at that point, i was able to allow myself to relax into sleep again.

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maybe it would be nice to get in touch with them:) even just a phone call or a dm.

have you got pets, friends, or family that you can spend time with?

@Michal__ is there anything meaningful you can do while you are off from work? anything to be kind to yourself or help you heal?

cool:) how do you feel now?

maybe just start with a few that are easily available to you and see if you get any value out of it?

i was a bit scared that it might be too difficult, because i've attended yoga classes before where i couldn't keep up. but the instructor here is really nice and the pace is quite gentle.

i'm on a yoga retreat this weekend (my first one ever) and so far, it is a surprisingly positive experience.

@Emerald Thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail:) yes, i mostly say something along these lines concerning the payment. the hearts and touching are probably a little over the line for me and definitely feel weird. but i am a little scared or hesitant to communicate that, too.

@Schizophonia you mean this thread? i think it was a spontaneous emotional decision. i had carried this situation on my own for a little while and thought i shouldn't talk to anyone about it, and then when the most recent interaction on WhatsApp happened and i was stuck on a bus with nothing else to do, i thought i would just come here and, as i said, "get it off my chest". sometimes i find it easier to speak to a third person rather than directly talking to the person who creates the outrage (or conflict or whatever). in fact, it's a bit of a pattern for me. essentially, i get to communicate without any stakes. it's like i can't bear to hold an emotion all on my own, but i'm also not ready to confront people directly. not sure if this is what you were asking?

lol my therapist also hinted at it in our last session, and i sort of laughed but was too shy to ask him explicitly if i had understood correctly.

@Schizophonia i think sometimes old men just want to make a compliment and don't realise that their style of doing that is a bit outdated and weird nowadays?

it is true that you are the one who has to do the real work, but said work also relies on your ability to change patterns with other people, and your learning to have more authentic interactions (goes for everyone, not just you). it's not all abstract stuff in your head, therapy can be a quite practical safe space to rehearse new interaction styles. .... * idk i give up. don't know how to explain what i meant. it's up to you, ultimately. in the end, i don't know what works for you and what doesn't. sorry if i wasted your time:)

idk if it is but i think it's worth questioning. what do you think are potential pros and cons of this choice you have made? could it potentially be harmful to lie to your therapist about this kind of thing? does it create more distance or more connection? could it be harmful (to your own healing journey as well as your therapist) to have this kind of unspoken influence that you bring into each session, without informing or asking them about it?

i remember having a discussion about a similar situation with another user a couple years ago. there may be some ethical considerations to take into account here - e.g., has your therapist consented to this? this is at least worth reflecting on for a little while.

okay, that makes sense.

to his last message, i didn't respond because i couldn't even think of anything to say. or i usually just respond with very short, polite messages or simply ":)", which should also get it across? i don't have his wife's contact info, we usually just say hi when i come in and that's about it. i just feel as though i'd be the one making it weird if i told him to tone things down a bit.

communication would simplify things a lot here, cause it would interrupt this ceaseless process of spinning stories in your head about what if, and what would this other person possibly/probably/likely think, and do i have to lie to preserve a sense of harmony, etc. just state what is true for you and then listen to what she says in response. for example "i don't want to hurt you" "i feel confusion" "i don't know what this is or if we are compatible" "when i think about this/us, i feel...."

@Leo Gura ok

agreed. do you have any insights into what could/what does? wisdom? experience? emotional awareness? what is the essence of mental illness and how can it be healed?

@Leo Gura not if you are on your own and have a mental illness. for some people it can be that straightforward, but definitely not for all. so if anything, we'd need centres with trained professionals to accompany psychedelic therapy sessions.

@Realms of Wonder okay, thanks for your reply.