Judy2

i can't even find my centre anymore ...and i wonder if something has to snap big time before this can go back to normal, or if it will just fade out quietly as i get more comfortable and familiar around here. right now, i can still tell there's so much exhaustion and overload. i don't feel normal.

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this is all just a tiny bit too intense for me these days

like i feel like i'm dying. oh God.

i overdosed on caffeine again because i said yes too quickly and now i have to go to a party tonight. i'm not a party person, but i felt like it was nice to be asked because i thought the other students didn't like me but turns out some of them do so it looks like i'm going now. anyway, this entire time i'm still thinking.... this is just a little too much change. change isn't bad, i like change, change can be good. i've been craving change for so long. but it can also be a little too much, too. i'm scared. i almost don't recognise myself. i feel like i'm losing myself - which isn't bad, either, but it's still SO MUCH. i also don't know what better thing i'd be doing if i wasn't here, i probably wouldn't be doing anything better - but it's still scary. i feel like i'm going crazy...like i'm so insecure, but no one would believe me because i'm just doing stuff even though i'm insecure about it, essentially. i guess this is what the people who do stuff do - they just do it and no one knows they're insecure? God... i felt myself dissociating a few minutes ago while doing my make-up and looking a little too intensely in the mirror. things are a bit crazy right now and my brain is still very overwhelmed. it's the combination of the new environment, new career path, life path, people. like....being social all throughout it. normally i don't meet that many people. and now i meet people and have to face that weird shift, being around them and the state of mind it puts me in, all while tackling this instability, this destabilised phase that my brain is currently in. it's all very trippy and i can tell my brain hasn't adjusted yet....still very much overload, overwhelming. scary. like i'm not even back to baseline yet, because everything's still so new and all over the place. aaah! i'm really scared.

@Shermaningeorgia ok i think i didn't understand that part because the second half sidetracked me a bit. you want psychotherapists to be less susceptible to stereotypes etc.? i think that is legitimate, but i don't think this needs to be as extreme as letting AI take over completely. the duality of superficial and non-clinical traits vs clinical traits is often not as clear-cut.

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

yesterday was better for the most part. today, not so much. there are way too many triggers accumulating, there's way too many moments of discomfort filling my days. the studies are great, i like my little corner with the desk in my apartment, i like my book, my study routines, the fields right outside my door. i like the blossoming trees, the fact that the Institute is nearby and i can get there in 10 minutes. i hate the yellow floor in my apartment, how i hear it every time somebody flushes their toilet or uses the sink in the surrounding apartments, how i have to wait at ugly bus stops and walk ugly, dirty streets whenever i want to get somewhere in the city centre. i hate the dimensions of my kitchen, how it's too narrow and simultaneously the cupboard is hung at a height for someone much taller than me, so i can barely reach the second shelf. then there are a lot of triggers going on with my family, too. body image problems. technical problems keep coming in. my heat keeps cracking every few seconds starting at 5 am, and then again at 11pm. body image issues. i feel like i look and am really ugly. i keep getting lost in the city because google maps is inaccurate, too. some machines at the gym have weird dimensions, the seats are either too big or when i sit at the front, really uncomfortable, so much so that i can't properly do my exercises, or people walk too close while i am trying to push myself, or the ground is vibrating my machine because too many people are using the treadmills right next to me. music pierces through my headphones, i'm jittery... it's just so much and pretty exhausting atm. just too many new things happening all at once.

what about green tea?

i guess it's also the combination of being in a new apartment i don't feel quite comfortable in yet, and then also starting at uni. that's too many destabilising factors all at once, because it removes too many of the "pillars" i could hold onto while the others crumble a bit. now it feels like the entire roof is coming down, because it's being shaken up all at once. a pillar still standing: i did my make-up this morning and it turned out quite nice and i wore a really nice outfit, a dark blue skirt and a white top with light blue flowers, plus my pale pink coat and my white fllower hand bag. another one: exercise, my gym routine, the obstacle run i am training for. and another one: the book i am currently reading (the third part of the Fourth Wing series, maybe not as good as the first one? but still interesting enough)

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. but gosh, i'm panicking. ...dissociating? i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. it's a lot.

...now that i think about it, i feel kinda panicky

had my first university event today and it was definitely a lot. i think my brain is still trying to make sense of my whole living/education/career situation and is constantly evaluating and cross-comparing if things are fine, and then i project whatever result i come up with onto the next 3-5 years. it's subtle, but this is definitely the process working within me at the moment. scary. it helps to remember that, while i've decided on a tracectory for my studies ... the rest isn't carved into stone. i can still change my living situation every term, i could still find a job on the side....so even if things feel oddly permanent rn, the way they haven't been for a while and that i've dreamed of for long, to finally be clear on things - even now, i still have the power to keep making adjustments to my situation. very odd process my brain is going through rn, though! i guess it's also odd because, yes, i am scared and insecure now - but i kind of have to remind myself, without this, without all the novelty, i'd be just as insecure and scared, albeit in a more familiar way, plus i'd beat myself up for not having a vision. which is at least something i have now? but it's definitely a struggle for me and my emotions to adjust to the entirely new set of circumstances. ugh. it's scary to even think about it. ... i don't quite feel safe here, but i always feel that way, no matter where i am, so i may as well be here, of all places? i don't know. scary.

it wasn't a negative experience. in fact it was quite blissful and orgasmic, if i may say so. but i agree on the rest, that it's not as clear-cut and there are many different flavours to these sorts of experiences.

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.

@Leo Gura i've been wanting to ask something because i had a mystical experience six years ago when i was also in a very detrimental state in terms of physical and mental health. i am guessing there were dissociative and maybe even psychotic elements to the experience, but the ego death also felt very distinct and it was like i exploded or flipped inside out because my body was too weak to contain any sense of separation. i had also been consuming a lot of spiritual content in the months leading up to the experience. so i think the awakening part of it was very real, but the intersection with the dissociative/psychotic phenomena was really confusing to me then, and is still hard to make sense of now. do you have any insights on that?

just when i decided horror movies are bad for my brain, those images are all over Leo's blog.

i went for a thirty minute run alongside the fields right outside the city today, and it went quite well and felt good.

i think OP is referring to the latest video on rationality? but a direct quote would be helpful. @jd1279from what i remember, Leo was deliberately creating a bit of a straw man there and also did not mean any of it as an insult. i understand that you don't want misinformation to be spread about your condition. shame is something inside you though - so even if Leo meant to insult you, you decide whether to believe what he says and feel ashamed - or brush it off. which is not to say Leo has no responsibility in saying accurate things that don't insult people, and he should be called out for it if he fails to do so - but power to you for not letting yourself be insulted, either. personally, i think people with autism are simply different from neurotypical people in the way they process certain things - and this isn't a value judgement. there can even be massive benefits in the way autistic people can contribute to society, while they probably also face massive challenges that our society should be more conscious of and help accommodate in the future.

i haven't had anything tested in regards to this, but it's recommended you eat a good amount of fibre per day, and also different kinds of fibre: 30+ different plants a week, which is actually easier than it sounds. good sources that come to mind are: oats, vegetables, fruit/berries, psyllium husks, chia seeds, legumes.

i feel like if this is your reasoning for why you are right, there might be some holes to your logic? cause this screams "reactionary". other than that, i'm with @Verdesbird - don't really get what you suggest here. no one forces you to do therapy, you're a free person.

wrote in my new gratitude-and-best case scenarios-journal this morning...but i am still feeling so triggered and uncomfortable and ugly.

@PsychedelicEagle okay, thanks for explaining!

okay, that is already pretty decent! the only missing element that remains then is a larger sense of purpose. how are things going in that department? have you spent time thinking about how to balance finding happiness in the present moment and working toward inspiring long-term goals?