Judy2

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

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that sounds great so far

apart from the fact that i haven't had a lot of time lately, i have noticed some hesitancy when it comes to posting...i feel a bit out of place, like it's bad to express myself. regardless, i figured i'd give it a go now and share a thing that's been on my mind lately. as i mentioned before, i am currently doing a very short term therapy with a systemic therapist. the therapist seemed cool in the beginning, but from the sessions i've had with him, something just feels off and the entire project seems a bit pointless. talking about problems doesn't really help. i don't even get what his approach with me is, because it seems like he has no approach at all, or certainly not a very effective one. anyway, i've noticed this rather interesting pattern that every time he says something like "i worry about you" or "it's sad that you feel that way about yourself", i can't take it seriously at all. in fact, i tend to almost feel amused at the situation, because his attempts at validating my experience and parroting back at me the things that i reported experiencing ("i can see that you are experiencing a lot of stress right now, and this is a new situation, ...") just seem so fake. he's getting paid to say that, or he says that because he wants to manipulate me into somehow changing my emotional state, and i'm not buying it. not sure if this is about me or the therapist. he asks regularly "and how does that make you feel?" and the only answer that ever comes to mind for me is "it's okay". i feel like i have to say "it's okay" to everything, because i've been blamed before for all the times i said things weren't okay when i was in therapy...or when i was simply talking to friends and they found my negativity off-putting. ...and also because every time i am honest and tell him what isn't okay, i'm being blamed for it, at least implicitly. so by now, i've considered keeping certain things to myself because this practitioner seems to lack the neutrality to handle these things without ever so slightly adding to the problem? not sure if this is the point, and he'd think that what is being triggered in the therapeutic relationship should occur exactly like that, too.... i don't know.

@UnbornTao ok, thanks:)

i feel terrible because i have been trying to fix a technical problem with my microsoft accounts and one drive for several hours and it's only getting more confusing and nobody is helping me. ChatGPT only made it more confusing and nothing makes sense anymore. i wish i could avoid this but i hate how these obligations are essential to me managing other obligations (actually using word and excel and saving my documents) and i hate how it's just expected of me to know how to handle all this stuff cause i don't. i called my brother and he was very sweet about it but he couldn't help since he's in another country and couldn't see my screen. i tried to call tech support at my university and we have been writing emails back and forth for 2 weeks but never resolved this. i asked if i could come to see them in person and they said no i can't. i feel so exhausted and i hate how this is just feeding off of my already very limited mental resources right now. i feel stupid for having to ask neighbours for help all the time. it looks stupid to always be writing in a group chat. i wish someone was there to help, yes, but i hate how it looks to be asking strangers for help with my IKEA furniture and wifi router and now this.

i feel a little offended because now i'm not even granted access to files i personally wrote on this very device.

@Natasha Tori Maruyes, it's basically embedded in my Files Explorer now, if you mean that? but now everything is really messy, i can't move entire folders without stuff getting lost, i can't open some very important documents anymore, even though they were saved on my desktop.

thanks:) not a bad idea

i made some progress and now i have both OneDrive accounts running, but it's still stupid because my files are scattered all over the place and it's tough to know where they are saved. sometimes they're saved in two locations but not always, so i can't just delete folders.

@glassfireidk if that fixes the problem...maybe a part of it.

oh no

@UnbornTaoeven if i don't, idk how to stop the files in use from being saved to the private OneDrive, or how to get my existing files off of there. just this error message popping up on my screen every time i want to save a document is super stressful.

i just don't understand how OneDrive works, or how i can tell my software to save stuff on the university OneDrive and not my private one. sometimes files are being saved on my private OneDrive even if i didn't say they should (or when i explicitly saved them on my device and not the cloud), and then when i want to work on things offline and save them, i get some kind of error message in word that says i should log in, and then the login never works.

like i'm actually in bed crying because this is so annoying and i just want this to be fixed so that i can move on with my day.

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.

yes, that's also what came to mind for me when i started reading your post. i guess both are valid. LSD feels a bit like the opposite of being drunk - it feels almost like you're too sober. but i believe sleepiness is a valid state as well and comes with its own insights - particularly because cognitive function is impaired a little bit, so that can open up different channels.

yes, i mean i am aware of the times of the day when i do consume caffeine:)

i moved to a new city in April and have been having some sleep issues since then. in the beginning, this looked like waking up a couple of times a night and struggling to fall back asleep. this past week, i've noticed the following pattern: i'm very busy throughout the day, typically don't have the time for an afternoon nap, but sometimes in the evenings i can't wait any longer and go to bed at 7 or 8, sleep for two hours, wake up ....then obviously can't go back to sleep until later at night. in the mornings it is similar: i wake up at 5 or 6, can't sleep anymore, get up to do things....then feel tired and go back to sleep for another hour or two. i guess the cortisol response is also quite striking every time i do wake up 'prematurely', so even if i am sleepy at 5 am i sort of force myself to get up quickly and do stuff because i am kind of stressed out. stress management is something i have been struggling with for a long time and i can't ever seem to resolve that the sleep problems are only enhancing the stress i am experiencing atm and it's a bit of a vicious cycle. sometimes it is impacting how much energy i have to exercise or take care of myself in general, which just isn't ideal. what can i do to fix this? when i last moved to a new city, i had the exact same problem with the insomnia. i am getting enough hydration, protein, vitamins, magnesium, etc. should i just force myself to stop napping and that'll even things out eventually?

no, there's no mold. it's generally ventilated pretty well, thank God. however, my heat keeps cracking at night and i can hear it when people in the surrounding apartments flush their toilets and so on. i asked the landlord about the heat, but nobody wants to take responsibility for it and apparently they can't do anything to change it anyway. i also don't have a couch or anything, so unless i want to sit on a chair all day (who does that?), i do spend some of my free time lying in bed even if i'm awake. for example when i read or listen to audio books.

aaaah....i'm not sure i want to, for now. but you're technically right:)

i don't know...maybe this is tricky because motives can be mixed. there can be unhealthy aspects intermingling with authentic, healthy desires for self-expression. self-expression should ultimately be a good thing, i believe.

for example my forum journal. it's been criticised before and i am very aware that i am a bit self-centred in it, although i'm not sure how that's not a more or less essential part of journalling. it feels cathartic to me to put my emotions into words and helpful to share sometimes, but i wonder all the time what others think and if this is wrong or something. to me, journalling/writing unites my passion for emotional reflection/introspection and languages and i've been doing it for a long time even just for myself. sometimes the additional element of sharing what i write feels nice because it's like some of the thoughts and emotions going on in the mind, i do find interesting or fascinating, after all, and then it's more fun to express that and carry that out into the world. does that make sense? is this wrong? i think since it feels so natural to me, it's okay that this is a part of my life, but maybe i should practice this in healthier or more deliberate ways? though i am not sure what that would look like, either.

yes, i think i used to do this in the past. most of it happened in my private (offline) journals, though.