Judy2

or maybe i did have bad therapists as a minor...therapists that thought it was their job to convince me of their beliefs rather than be a neutral party to help me process and acknowledge everything going on in my own system. if anything, there was probably a lot of gaslighting on their part when i was in hospital; a lot of blaming, too. none of them ever stopped to ask "why do you NEED anorexia?". none of them ever cared to look at our family dynamics or tell my parents that they weren't so innocent, either....it was all just to be blamed on me and my symptoms....and no one cared to ask why i needed my ed. they were all so keen on treating symptoms and never cared about how i felt. no one understood or cared about the fact that they could send me back home and OF COURSE i would relapse in that environment, because what choice did i have, as a sixteen-year-old trapped in a dysfunctional family?.... or in short, no, not all therapists have thought about their patients' povs and inner conflicts in depth.

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while i'm at it, i may as well share a little anecdote that i was reminded of during the seminar before i forget it again. when i was an inpatient (15 years old), at one point i didn't want any dairy on my meal plan and the treatment team got upset about it. my assigned therapist thought it was a good idea to tell me a story about cows and make me touch milk with my fingers (which she later drank?) in the spirit of "exposure therapy". ....it's a funny story because this therapist clearly got her methods mixed up and that was so obviously not the right approach when she was dealing with someone who's got an ed, not a phobia or anything, and besides that, my wanting to avoid milk was more about veganism at the time.

last weekend, i had a block seminar (the best one yet?) that was quite an experience. the instructor was really nice, we talked about therapeutic practices (without the pressure of needing to write homework or exams on it, which made it so much more fun and interesting) and also did some therapy role plays (very difficult, not nearly as easy as you would think it is). i almost felt happy that day, to be honest. we were in a different part of town i had never been to before, where the university hospital is, and i really liked the aesthetic of the buildings, the little garden space and fountain, the sunny weather. it was a huge, scary shift for me to suddenly start talking DBT (eds, bpd) from a therapist's perspective when last year around the same time, i was a DBT patient myself and struggling through the depths of it. it's crazy to realise that therapy is, in fact, not random, that therapists seem to have considered at least some of the conflicts patients are in beforehand (it always felt far from that whenever therapy was forced upon me or even when i tried to make it work for myself....). although i guess as a patient, there is also a deep (unconscious) sense of comfort and pride in "not being understood", as painful as it is? ...

i don't think i've ever been this busy in my life. it's stressful at times, but at this point i'm rolling with it and decided that maybe the energy can help carry me forward and be okay with all the things going on simultaneously these days. summer break will be a shock for me....i'll feel so bored and lost when missing the luxury of the very, very neat containment my schedule forces me into atm. i try to prioritise going on walks or cycling in between everything, and this morning on my walk, i almost thought i was happy. which is paradoxical, during such a busy, stressful phase. but maybe that's exactly what i needed?

(video in German) i've been learning more about developmental attachment trauma and it's been a very helpful perspective to make sense of people's behaviour and suffering - maybe other people's even more so than my own. the above is just one piece of the puzzle for me, and all in all everything still seems very confusing since i can identify antagonistic strands in my psyche (undereating and emotional eating; anxious (=clingy) and avoidant attachment,...), but understanding some of this helps me feel more hopeful. i like that Gopal touches on the fact that 'treatment contracts' ("you have to gain x amount in 1 week", "you have to eat 10 cashew nuts and one apple this afternoon", "you may only go to the clinic school once you have reached 40kg",....) are so backwards with anorexic patients...which is something i've had to experience myself. practitioners (and my parents) never wanted to understand how these contracts only made things so much worse for me. the past few videos about specific ed-symptoms and how to communicate urges had me thinking that maybe i could also resolve SH-urges by communicating them more clearly - but idk how to find a socially acceptable way to go about that. anyway, like i said, overall this is making me feel more hopeful that i may be able to resolve some issues in my life moving forward, and also interact with others by seeing through their patterns. i ordered the book and will read it after my exams in July. this perspective also has me considering for the first time that developing secure attachment would be a valid goal? normally, i am quite identified with being ill and it's more about "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm clingy or avoidant?", "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm underweight, or would it be okay to be ill and just have panic attacks instead?", "i miss my dissociative episodes" (still do, though), "i don't think i can't quite let go of SH yet, i like it a little too much whenever i look at my left forearm and think about how this would be obvious to certain groups of people who interact with me".... considering this new lens, i am also still a little bit ashamed of this journal's title. i remember that when choosing it, it felt like i was doing a good thing by giving myself permission associating my name with such a "whole", beautiful concept. oh well. can't change it any more, so i'll keep it for now.

so my current situation is the following: i got my undergraduate degree in English literature last winter (after 5 and a half years; usually this degree should take 3 years). it took me 2,5 years longer due to some mental crises along the way and the fact that, despite loving the language, i didn't have anything meaningful to move toward while studying it. had i known what i want, i could have done it in 3 years..but i don't know what i want and that is an ongoing problem. i am now in a new city studying psychology, but this is another undergraduate degree, as the German system does not allow you to convert to other subjects for the master's. i like psychology and there are several subjects i find really interesting, for example social psychology and also the neurological foundations of cognition and affect, which is something i don't know a lot about and it's rather enlightening to learn about. in general, psychology has always interested me on a personal level. it's just very intense in terms of the study load and i feel bad that basically the system considers all my efforts worthless as they are still considered "studying" rather than "working". i am experiencing a lot of stress trying to figure out my situation as i am not quite content living in a tiny apartment and still essentially not getting paid for all the effort i put into whatever it is that i do. i have good work ethic and i also experience a strong need in general to put my skills to good use, be appreciated for them, and feel like people can actually benefit from the things i am good at. i had hoped that maybe i could combine studying with already starting to work on the side, but that's something i haven't made much progress with so far. i love English, but i am not sure if the linguistic structures alone are meaningful enough for me to centre my entire life's work around, if that makes sense. i also don't want to be teaching very basic linguistic structures (like how to build the present tense in English) to German kids who are just starting to say their first words in English. but i do really love speaking in English. sometimes when i am on my own, i basically narrate to myself what i am doing, or when i do my make-up or cook, i'm essentially imitating an ASMR video lol. the confusing thing with languages as a career path is that they seem kind of devoid of meaning or like an empty shell, at least when it comes to rigidly teaching grammar or mechanically translating. i think for me this has had it's own appeal in the past, and maybe also personality-wise, it's been a relief or coping mechanism for me to reinvent myself as a competent speaker of different languages that aren't my native language...but i still wonder if that is "enough" for me as a career - and somehow, i don't think it is, and this has also been why i felt that i lacked meaning during the five and a half years when i was studying E lit. for me, it's not about how i say something, but what it is that i say, and i do want to speak and write meaningful words. so the whole picture looks different once we start talking psychology/maybe even sociology (or literary analysis, although that seems a little too far removed from having an impact on reality), and this add some dimension where i can maybe share some wisdom or personal insight - but there isn't necessarily a degree for that, or if there was, i'm sure it'd take five more years to get in Germany. i have three years of experience working as English teacher for adults (online), but that's not enough to make a living by any means. besides, my adult students' motivation is close to zero (as they have to attend as part of their training) and that isn't exactly fulfilling for me as a teacher. my hourly rate is pretty decent, though, so i just kind of tolerate it for now, because it's not like i have any other alternatives at the moment. in addition, i have applied to become a substitute teacher at a state school in the city i'm in now, but i'm not sure if this is actually worth it. it should give me some insight into the system, for sure, but the salary will be much lower than that of the teachers who have master's degrees. i've considered getting a master's (which would have to be related to my first degree), but i left that open for now, as i don't want to invest 2 years into a degree without having any idea if it reflects my career goals in the long term. to be honest, i'm just kind of frustrated with the German bureaucratic system and how it basically requires very specific combinations of degrees to get permission to work in any specific field. i can't just get three master's degrees to then figure out what it is i actually want. i've considered simply starting a website (i do not know how to do that - should i pay someone to create one for me?) and just putting myself out there, offering some kind of language coaching to adults/high school students who are about to do their A-levels. i think i'd enjoy working with that demographic as they should be going into it with some degree of intrinsic motivation and maybe there is demand for it, if only i start putting myself out there. i never tried that, so maybe that would be a start? and i don't have to do it forever, but maybe giving it a go would feel better than waiting and just thinking about the billion things i technically could be doing one day? the entire idea is basically that i want to participate in society and as i use other people's products and services, i'd feel so much better doing that without relying on my parents'/the state's financial support, but by being part of some kind of exchange system where my skills are actually worth something, i put them to good use and the appreciation pays off, so that i can finance my own consumption. sorry if this sounds super cryptic, it's just something i've been thinking about a lot. basically i need to experience a little more self-efficacy than i presently do, and i wonder how to achieve that. that's been quite stressful trying to resolve and i'm a little desperate by now. sorry for all the details; i'm just trying to paint the entire picture here and am hoping someone can maybe give some advice on how to deal with this entire situation?

thank you for sharing:)

oh, i see. how is it now? do you think you could willingly replicate the experience?

i've made the switch again from feeling stressed to feeling utterly, utterly bored and empty. and kind of disappointed because will this stupid cycle ever end? last time this happened, i put up a list on my wall to see what activities i can do when i feel this way. nothing, none of it, seems even slightly appealing now. i would like to resolve this, but i do not know how. weekends really aren't good for me, as much as i want to get there during the week. i am so much better off when i have at least one appointment or two to fill my schedule each day.

@cetus sounds cool:)

hi there:) i dimly remember asking about this before, but can't remember the conclusion we came to. so i was vegan for six years and started eating eggs and dairy again two years ago. i eat dairy-based products mostly for protein, but usually gravitate toward the low-fat products. and i mean really low fat, sometimes the 0.1% (still single-ingredient and no added sugar). i eat other healthy fats from nuts and high-quality oils, but i've been wondering if swapping the dairy for higher fat varieties would be a good call? it's something i started wondering about because i consume a lot of artificial sweeteners, which are also low calorie but not necessarily healthy and i'm so used to the indigestion, but tbh my body doesn't exactly like them. they're still hard to cut out, though, but it's something i would like to work on. i'm sure i'd also be able to enjoy plain low fat yoghurt, but anyway, this still got me wondering about the fat percentage of choice. lower fat products are lower in calories, obviously, but i'm not sure if the swap to higher fat dairy would have a huge impact on my total caloric consumption in a day....i'd probably find ways to balance this out, although protein might be slightly lower overall, then? maybe not concerningly low, but a little bit? or maybe there are other concerns to be had with 3.5% yoghurt that i'm not even aware of? for example saturated vs unsaturated fats?

thank you for all your suggestions!

but it's a delusion that many people share, so that makes it a bit more real. didn't fully understand the rest because there's too much Freud in there.

i do experience a lot of bloating, though. any guesses why this could be, aside from the sucralose lol? Germany:)

that is crazy. aren't you super bloated? do you live in Germany? Alnatura's the best:)

yes, i actually made a commitment to cut out protein bars a couple days ago:) i already eat a lot of fibre and fruit, maybe even too much.

my neighbour's stomping woke me up last night, and it's just super triggering overall. makes me feel so trapped. people say i should relax more, but i don't know how i possibly could. i can't wear headphones 24/7. i could move to a new place, but that's not so easy to find, and it's not guaranteed that it will be any better there. i try to be reasonable and stop playing victim, but it's usually not working out. and then the despair just grows all the more.

@PsychedelicEagle yes i've gained a lot of muscle mass since last year but i've also gained body fat. if i just went on a cut, i'd look alright, but idk how to go on a cut without harming my mental health and i wouldn't know how to eat sustainably after that, either. i am not sure if counting calories works for me. i know exactly how to do it but things could tip over very quickly and feel more harmful than helpful and make me very anxious around food.

@Osaid thank you for sharing your perspective:)

yes, i can literally feel my brain fighting to just accept that i can still be pleasant and soft at a higher weight. i would like to be those things, of course. i don't know if this is what you mean but yes, when the body lacks resources it responds to external stimuli differently and also processes emotions slightly differently. that can look like hyperarousal or it can also look like depression. i've also been much more prone to experiencing dissociation at low weights.... and having a very cloudy, foggy, borderline delirious inner monologue. you assume i haven't but i have gained weight since last year and also exercised a lot and built some muscle, but i'm really uncomfortable in my body. you wouldn't think that, but even just having more weight on my body does change the way i carry myself a lot. and i just know i'm prettier when i weigh a little less...in fact i get sad every time i see myself in the mirror and think my complexion is pretty, but it all goes to waste because my size is so wrong...i just don't know how to go about that in a healthy way. going on a cut or diet might not be the best for my psyche, but i don't know what habits/dietary guidelines to pick up to be healthy and lean long-term (without experiencing too much querulousness, as you say). you underestimate how tough it can be psychologically to have a history of restriction and then figure out moderation, of all things. ....i do try to be hopeful about it, though, and trust that one day i'll figure it out. please be aware that this is a vulnerable topic for me and something i usually battle very silently on my own:) please don't say anything mean.

what did the practice consist in?

yes i can see that. it could even be a type of neurological "disorder" if it happens a lot. really fascinating:)

@PenguinPablo i looked into it briefly and basically from a neurological pov, an OBE is a sensory mismatch when your brain receives (or produces?) conflicting information on how the body is positioned in space. (and of course it can get much deeper than that, but that's the basics.) i get this a lot when i take afternoon naps and my sleep is very light. that's when i'd be prone to getting close to waking up but my body is still asleep, and sometimes i confuse bodily sensations or feel as though there is the sleeping body and my other body with which i can be in slightly different positions. this has also gone as far as feeling as though i got up and walked through my apartment, only to realise that i had done so in a dream-like state and my real body was still in bed.

@Oppositionless do OBEs occur for you shortly after falling asleep or shortly before waking up? is there a relation to how light your sleep is, how well you remember dreams, or a tendency to experience sleep paralysis?