Judy2

since this morning, my mind has wandered from thinking about how i should start planning my summer holiday, to thinking i need to find a new apartment, to eventually thinking that no, it's financial independence that i need, and i should really figure out my career asap. i can feel the hyper-activation in my system. ugh. and i thought i'd had a "better" day today....also because i'm hoping that's what i can tell my therapist on thursday, because that's what he wants to hear from me. he doesn't want to hear about my stress or anxiety...and then i feel anxious for feeling anxious, and if i'm anxious maybe i should be anxious, because look! - i'm anxious. anyway, a couple of good things have also occurred today, though: i kept reading my stalker romance, i wore a nice outfit that i really liked and i almost thought i looked kind of pretty, the neuroscience lecture was freaky (in a good way) when it made me aware of the Miracle that is my inner monologue (two weeks ago, it was freaky when i managed to willingly turn The Dress from white&gold to blue&black and back), and i did good for one 168th of the week by tutoring my favourite student so far, and that's the one hour of 'good' that i know i've done today. problem is, i always leave with such a weird feeling because the tutoring comes natural to me and has me in a very rare state of flow and self-sufficiency, and i know i am helping a teenage girl who seemingly appreciates my help and personality-wise we just get along and feel comfortable around each other:) but i feel stressed trying to figure out what that says about my career choices and how i can make more of this happen in a good, realistic way. ...i'm looking into becoming a substitute teacher alongside my studies next term, just to see what that's like....but i'm not sure about the exact framework in which i will feel best....maybe teaching 1:1 suits me better, after all? anyway, stresses me out to think about this. then this evening i put on a YouTube podcast that's too long and i feel obligated to listen to the end, so i'm trying to multitask now and channel my energy into a billion different directions, which is completely pointless but my body doesn't know how to stop doing it. and again, somehow i'm scared to press stop and sit in silence instead? sit with myself, be with myself? i also figured yesterday, when i tried to focus on my book and felt frustrated because i was too anxious to focus, that i've been training myself for a good decade or so that anxious overthinking is the right call, the right thing to do, that it's more important than focussing on books or other things...so of course it's uncomfortable to try and read that book anyway, if my mind is screaming at me to put it down and solve the real issues - only that i can't do that, either. ...and i suppose a great deal of the stress that i have been feeling still relates to the question of my self-image, and what it will become as i grow older. this is tough because during my teenage years (some very formative years that - under less adverse conditions - would have been the time to figure out who i am and what would become of me) the only thing that kept me alive was to focus on starving myself and being the thinnest girl in the room. the only goal i had defined in my head for myself was that being as ill as possible is good. i wouldn't want to change what i've been through, no, i like it that way. but it's tough now, to try and be healthy. it feels bad. especially when i see so many other people around me stuck with the same mindset i used to have. every tuesday i uncover a new fellow borderliner in class - not tough to spot when you know the drill.

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i went for a morning run outside and managed 8km in 48 minutes (if the GPS on my phone is accurate at all, that is), which is my new personal record. i know people do run marathons and ultramarathons, but it's probably good for me to be able to be proud of my own progress:) the yellow rapeseed fields have been replaced by red poppy flowers by now, and in general, being out in nature is a healing influence i appreciate very much. looking at the grasses and wildflowers, and a little baby rabbit that ducked down and tugged in its ears when it saw me pass by. the airplanes in the sky above.

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

that sounds great so far

apart from the fact that i haven't had a lot of time lately, i have noticed some hesitancy when it comes to posting...i feel a bit out of place, like it's bad to express myself. regardless, i figured i'd give it a go now and share a thing that's been on my mind lately. as i mentioned before, i am currently doing a very short term therapy with a systemic therapist. the therapist seemed cool in the beginning, but from the sessions i've had with him, something just feels off and the entire project seems a bit pointless. talking about problems doesn't really help. i don't even get what his approach with me is, because it seems like he has no approach at all, or certainly not a very effective one. anyway, i've noticed this rather interesting pattern that every time he says something like "i worry about you" or "it's sad that you feel that way about yourself", i can't take it seriously at all. in fact, i tend to almost feel amused at the situation, because his attempts at validating my experience and parroting back at me the things that i reported experiencing ("i can see that you are experiencing a lot of stress right now, and this is a new situation, ...") just seem so fake. he's getting paid to say that, or he says that because he wants to manipulate me into somehow changing my emotional state, and i'm not buying it. not sure if this is about me or the therapist. he asks regularly "and how does that make you feel?" and the only answer that ever comes to mind for me is "it's okay". i feel like i have to say "it's okay" to everything, because i've been blamed before for all the times i said things weren't okay when i was in therapy...or when i was simply talking to friends and they found my negativity off-putting. ...and also because every time i am honest and tell him what isn't okay, i'm being blamed for it, at least implicitly. so by now, i've considered keeping certain things to myself because this practitioner seems to lack the neutrality to handle these things without ever so slightly adding to the problem? not sure if this is the point, and he'd think that what is being triggered in the therapeutic relationship should occur exactly like that, too.... i don't know.

@UnbornTao ok, thanks:)

i feel terrible because i have been trying to fix a technical problem with my microsoft accounts and one drive for several hours and it's only getting more confusing and nobody is helping me. ChatGPT only made it more confusing and nothing makes sense anymore. i wish i could avoid this but i hate how these obligations are essential to me managing other obligations (actually using word and excel and saving my documents) and i hate how it's just expected of me to know how to handle all this stuff cause i don't. i called my brother and he was very sweet about it but he couldn't help since he's in another country and couldn't see my screen. i tried to call tech support at my university and we have been writing emails back and forth for 2 weeks but never resolved this. i asked if i could come to see them in person and they said no i can't. i feel so exhausted and i hate how this is just feeding off of my already very limited mental resources right now. i feel stupid for having to ask neighbours for help all the time. it looks stupid to always be writing in a group chat. i wish someone was there to help, yes, but i hate how it looks to be asking strangers for help with my IKEA furniture and wifi router and now this.

i feel a little offended because now i'm not even granted access to files i personally wrote on this very device.

@Natasha Tori Maruyes, it's basically embedded in my Files Explorer now, if you mean that? but now everything is really messy, i can't move entire folders without stuff getting lost, i can't open some very important documents anymore, even though they were saved on my desktop.

thanks:) not a bad idea

i made some progress and now i have both OneDrive accounts running, but it's still stupid because my files are scattered all over the place and it's tough to know where they are saved. sometimes they're saved in two locations but not always, so i can't just delete folders.

@glassfireidk if that fixes the problem...maybe a part of it.

oh no

@UnbornTaoeven if i don't, idk how to stop the files in use from being saved to the private OneDrive, or how to get my existing files off of there. just this error message popping up on my screen every time i want to save a document is super stressful.

i just don't understand how OneDrive works, or how i can tell my software to save stuff on the university OneDrive and not my private one. sometimes files are being saved on my private OneDrive even if i didn't say they should (or when i explicitly saved them on my device and not the cloud), and then when i want to work on things offline and save them, i get some kind of error message in word that says i should log in, and then the login never works.

like i'm actually in bed crying because this is so annoying and i just want this to be fixed so that i can move on with my day.

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.

yes, that's also what came to mind for me when i started reading your post. i guess both are valid. LSD feels a bit like the opposite of being drunk - it feels almost like you're too sober. but i believe sleepiness is a valid state as well and comes with its own insights - particularly because cognitive function is impaired a little bit, so that can open up different channels.

yes, i mean i am aware of the times of the day when i do consume caffeine:)

i moved to a new city in April and have been having some sleep issues since then. in the beginning, this looked like waking up a couple of times a night and struggling to fall back asleep. this past week, i've noticed the following pattern: i'm very busy throughout the day, typically don't have the time for an afternoon nap, but sometimes in the evenings i can't wait any longer and go to bed at 7 or 8, sleep for two hours, wake up ....then obviously can't go back to sleep until later at night. in the mornings it is similar: i wake up at 5 or 6, can't sleep anymore, get up to do things....then feel tired and go back to sleep for another hour or two. i guess the cortisol response is also quite striking every time i do wake up 'prematurely', so even if i am sleepy at 5 am i sort of force myself to get up quickly and do stuff because i am kind of stressed out. stress management is something i have been struggling with for a long time and i can't ever seem to resolve that the sleep problems are only enhancing the stress i am experiencing atm and it's a bit of a vicious cycle. sometimes it is impacting how much energy i have to exercise or take care of myself in general, which just isn't ideal. what can i do to fix this? when i last moved to a new city, i had the exact same problem with the insomnia. i am getting enough hydration, protein, vitamins, magnesium, etc. should i just force myself to stop napping and that'll even things out eventually?

no, there's no mold. it's generally ventilated pretty well, thank God. however, my heat keeps cracking at night and i can hear it when people in the surrounding apartments flush their toilets and so on. i asked the landlord about the heat, but nobody wants to take responsibility for it and apparently they can't do anything to change it anyway. i also don't have a couch or anything, so unless i want to sit on a chair all day (who does that?), i do spend some of my free time lying in bed even if i'm awake. for example when i read or listen to audio books.

aaaah....i'm not sure i want to, for now. but you're technically right:)

i don't know...maybe this is tricky because motives can be mixed. there can be unhealthy aspects intermingling with authentic, healthy desires for self-expression. self-expression should ultimately be a good thing, i believe.