Judy2

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it's so weird but i get this combination of depression and agoraphobia (nothing new really, i've had this for years on and off and feel it again now). not in the clinical sense, but i basically don't want to go outside or go anywhere because i'd feel myself being alive (which i generally want, but sometimes i don't). when i remain stationary, it's easier to pretend i'm not actually here, to dream myself away... but then i get started thinking too much about all the things that aren't good enough about me, and maybe i never will be good enough, or happy, let alone okay. i don't feel safe. i don't. feel. safe. i don't feel safe! i'm ugly. i'm not enough. no one loves me. i'm so alone. and so lost.

thank u i get where the advice is coming from and it's generally not a bad idea i'm a little scared i'll lose it and never feel better

...not feeling great

i feel scared, and alone. which is so weird because when i'm around family, i count down the days to be alone again, to have my peace...cause i can't even feel myself enough to feel alone around them. and then when i'm finally on my own, soon enough it's the silence, the emotion that becomes so unbearable. everything's grey - quiet. maybe too quiet. i don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

*** okay, i also feel scared, insecure, lost....bored today. i am calm, but something inside me continues to be fearful, worried, hypervigilant. i don't trust; i sense danger. i feel insecure, don't know what to do, struggle with decisions (what to do throughout the day, and beyond that). i am lost, i don't see the way, there's no clarity. someone please tell me what to do, what's right, where to go, what i need to do to be safe and good enough. i'm scared. i feel judged, and i judge myself for the fact that i've been an adult for 5 years now, pursued a degree and everything, and still don't know what to do with myself, what's next, whether to keep studying or find a job, what job.... people judge me, too, and i come across as stupid and delusional and childish and immature when i humiliate myself stuttering "it's all very vague atm" and "my plans aren't that concrete yet". i feel so stupid. so ugly. So lost. i feel sad and scared. i was good at school. i should have had this (life) figured out by now. (yet no one takes into account the degrees of mental illness i've been struggling with throughout the years that have been significantly slowing down my progress in life) ...i feel SO stupid. ...crying in bed now. i wish i could go downstairs and show all the feels to my brother and have him comfort me. can't remember ever doing this though, that's not what we do in this family - which i regret...but idk if i can show up crying and expect him to deal with that. he's been so nice to me today, that's good enough.

@Salvijus(:

happy new year everyone ♡ i didn't do anything spectacular on new year's eve, to be honest, and i feel a bit like a grandma these days with the way i don't party and like my sleeping hours to be consistent. i simply spent the evening alone, relaxed, and went through my values and goals for 2026. this morning, i went cycling (until it got too cold), tidied up a bit, and then i prepared lunch for my brother and i. he wasn't that hungry (still hungover and full from the party food yesterday) but still said it tasted good and thanked me for cooking - i don't know why, but that's such a compliment coming from him♡ the parents are away and somehow it's easier for me to share a meal with him than with either mum or dad - maybe because we generally have less disagreements, so it feels safer. anyway, i appreciate that he spends time with me and feel a lot of love for him. yesterday, we also watched some tv together before he left to see his friends, and i don't care about the tv but i care so much that he's willing to spend time with me. i also wanted to note briefly that i went to the gym again yesterday morning (after a bit of a break due to the holidays and everything) and really enjoyed myself. my gym routine is definitely something i want to keep up this year, as it helps so much with structure as well as my mental and physical health - it provides equilibrium. anyway.....that's it with the update and i wish you all a wonderful new year. "2026" feels nice. i'll try my best to make it a good one.

i feel bored, but i can't do anything productive or meaningful because i'm not safe. not with dad in the house. i can't stay here.

challenged myself to go out with a friend and her family to a local café/bar where we could play some board games. it was fun and we had a good time. toward the end, they asked what i'm gonna do next (career-wise) and where i'm gonna go. i feel a little stressed out now, but am also considering that i am safe, i'm alive now, nothing's wrong, i have all the time in the world to figure out what's next and none of it can hurt me, because i'm always already here and i'll be okay....something like that. it's hard to see it, but i try to believe it. trust. ...lean back. relax. trust in God, in Life, in the Universe and that things will work out for me. see that i'm safe to embrace whatever is going on for me, and able to open up to the perspective of how divine it all is, even the pain and the drama. i'm lucky to be alive, lucky to feel. i want to feel all my messy "situations", feel them through entirely, (i'm scared, i'm hurting)....and....idk, feel the mess and see how Good it is that it exists? and i wouldn't want it to be any other way, i wouldn't want it to be easier. (i'm scared, i'm hurting.)

in the life purpose course, i've finally arrived at the section on values assessment last week. i've tried to do some of the exercises but find that it's difficult to get clear on my values. the hardest part is probably that i am supposed to imagine what my "ideal" self would value, which is driving me more into hypothetical "should" territory where i imagine some picture book version of myself....it's hard to say if this would be the authentic me though. for example, i can't get quite clear on how much i actually value community. is it just social anxiety that's in the way, or is my desire for engaging with other people in a communal way naturally low, or something inbetween? it's also really hard to determine if a value is mildly important vs the thing everything else hinges upon for me. and i have the same issue with many other core values as well. i guess it's a bit of a catch 22 because you need to know your ideal self to know what you value, but you need to know your values to know your ideal self. and then this usually culminates in me trying to analyse myself like some omniscient narrator, rather than connecting with myself. any advice on how to gain a bit more clarity? is there any method to make this inquiry simpler, rather than drifting off into too theoretical territory?

@Joseph Maynor i've completed the values section in the course and watched all the videos in this section, but struggle to implement it. maybe because i don't trust myself or sth. @Bjorn K Holmstrom sounds quite reasonable:)

@Joseph Maynor thanks for sharing:) most of the words i used are on Leo's master list, too, but i'm using a lot of them in combination....not sure if that's okay.

sounds good🙏🏻

in my opinion, it can be a massive mistake to think you have to love an ex lover so much that they can "force" you to "stay friends" even if it's painful to you. your emotions and your side of things are worth considering, too. that's also love.

@Joseph Maynor i'll give you the latest version: Love (maybe too vague?) Consciousness, Presence, Self-Awareness Emotional awareness and regulation (don't know if that counts) Wisdom and Truth (really crowded with subcategories, as this includes balance and clarity ~ wisdom, and honesty/loyalty>>>truth (bc truth is the broader notion for me and more flexible),...and wisdom also includes education, learning, intelligence......so pbly too crowded) Trust (big one that seems to resonate a lot...at least it did a few weeks ago) Loving connection and intimacy (not sure if that's the same for me as love in the abstract) Holistic health (vitality, fintess, energy) Respect, kindness, empathy Beauty and harmony Creativity / Gratitude are competing for the final spot on the list atm.

i feel so stupid for struggling around family. i don't understand why i am like this around them, and a completely different person around friends and everybody else. my relationship with food is almost okay when i'm on my own, but with family i can't even share a holiday meal. (i'd much rather excuse myself and eat alone in my room.) my logic with this is that if they anger, upset, or disturb me regularly even without food at the table, i'm definitely not gonna be working, eating, or thinking and feeling through personal, private, emotional stuff in their presence. i can tell they judge me a lot for the way i am around them. they never stop to ask why i developped like this, why i became this way...why i'm already angry in anticipation of some sort of hurt occurring in any given interaction.

you don't.

it depends on the individual therapist/counsellor and their own development. there are really good ones out there, and others who lack competency and professionalism. to label them all as enemies lacks nuance and this can be harmful to you, too, because it prevents you from getting help if you need it. if you are being disciminated against and not taken seriously, you can communicate this to the mental health professional and see how they respond. if they respond badly, i hope there's some way for you to look for an alternative. also, if something bad or inappropriate happened, you can describe the situation here if you'd like and we can try to give more specific advice.

🙏🏻😇

okay so i'm currently in a phase of figuring out what's next for me in terms of university, internships, and jobs. this is stressful in and of itself and causing a lot of anxiety. sometimes i talk to my mother about these things and she's trying to help, and sometimes she makes helpful suggestions, but every time she doesn't or misunderstands what i'm even working on at the moment, i feel disproportionately hurt and upset, even violated. even though i know she's just trying to help. why? why is the emotion there in the first place, and why is it so much stronger than any rational understanding of the fact that she's genuinely just trying to help. i feel like a bad daughter for not even being able to show her that i see that she means well. feeling misunderstood by my mother is generally so painful. it's worse when it's about important things (like applications and finding a job), but it's still bad when it's about totally insignificant things. i don't know if strangers on the internet can provide any insights on this. you probably can't tell me either. but i feel so broken because my emotions work that way and i don't even know why i react so strongly. oh, and my mother and i sometimes try having rules about simply not bringing up certain topics because i notice they keep hurting me, but then we break these rules again and again and in a moment of connection, we want to talk again and share our ideas, and then she signals some subtle misunderstanding again and i feel so hurt. it's the same pattern again and again.

@Vali2003 yeah, true. thank you:)

i find it so triggering that my family is constantly buzzing around and running errands in the house, making noise. this makes it impossible for me to rest or feel safe. there's constant potential for something threatening to arise.

staying with family again and i just can't bring myself to eat enough around them. which is stupid, because i'd like to take good care of my body and have the energy to accomplish things. makes me wonder how i could grow up in this household and morph into a being that's still so deeply maladapted to their ways....constantly on edge around them, angry on principle, never at ease. in never-ending anticipation of conflict, fights, disagreements, disharmony. i wonder how this came about, and why i didn't develop into someone who would internalise her discomfort more or could pretend to be fine more than i do. could delude herself into feeling fine, even. maybe things would feel easier around here if i was more repressed.

next day (i.e. today) the landlord forgot about us and was an hour late. then i spent seven hours on the train, with one huge suitcase and three hyperdimensional heavy bags. exhausted and very overstimulated when i got home, and it's difficult to eat. my brother had already eaten the safe food (low fat greek yoghurt) i'd told mum to buy. i had a huge meltdown (number three or four since friday) when i got into my room because of the series of triggers combined with the physical exhaustion....cause it was all too much. i feel some concern about the future; the next few months and how i'll manage to figure out what's next, find a new place, a beautiful new apartment...and to keep myself safe and sane on the way there.