Judy2

but the brain does exist? anyone who has ever experienced depression can probably attest to the fact that it is more real than "serotonin and some other chemicals in the brain".

yes, precisely. it might also be a matter of genetic predisposition to experiencing more negative affect in general. ane differences in neuroanatomy and neurochemistry as well. with bipolar disorder, for example, the brain goes through cycles of increased flexibility vs increased rigidity, which corresponds to manic and depressed phases.

for some reason, frozen berries also got a lot more expensive, though...

i think this is a tricky one. in a way, mental illness (or, at the very least, recovery) is a choice, but in a way it also isn't. that's something that needs to be experienced for someone to even begin to grasp the depth of that.

yes:) i think it's worth contemplating depression as its own phenomenon (which is the goal of this thread), but it's also true that for the individual, depression can be embedded in a network of other factors and diagnoses (as i'm aware it is for me).

berries also used to be much cheaper, but in terms of veggies, (cherry) tomatoes feel like the worst rip-off.

@Natasha Tori Maru yes, maybe what i have described is a maintaining factor rather than depression itself.

i don't know if this answers your question, but for me, depression is usually a reaction to how i implicitly (or explicitly) make sense of the world, and, in extension, myself. basically, it's like asking myself "is this world/life/experience a good enough place to live in? maybe not..." and it makes assumptions about the permanence and impermanence of pleasant/unpleasant experiences. although this isn't always "no feelings" - it could also just be an unpleasant mix of emotions. for me, one of the most depressing things is when "the good" and "the bad" seem so intertwined that i cannot, for the love of God, separate them neatly, and this stops me from being able to make sense of myself as 'good' (which is a core psychological need). so depression isn't the absence of good experiences, but the fact that they seem fundamentally "spoiled". but my head is also a little weird sometimes, so maybe this is just how it works for me.

you can try to deconstruct perception. this works well with mild visual hallucinations (on lsd) when you intellectually know that you took something and everything around you looks a bit different than it "should". if you stay focussed on this subject for about 45 minutes and get genuinely interested in it, you can have the "i can't see! i have never seen anything in my life!" breakthrough fairly quickly. it felt so oddly familiar when i had it....don't know if anyone knows what i mean, but some people told me they do. other than that, how about....who am i?

that sounds really nice:) i hate how expensive tomatoes are at the store, so getting some homegrown ones is great.

...................................................................................

....stressed again...or maybe still, but i can't tell the difference at this point. i have to mark 35 exams and the correction guidelines only came in after i'd already finished grading 10 of them. then there are also a few other things i need to organise as well...and i feel unsafe in my apartment due to outside noises (nothing new there, but it seems more acute again at the moment). one thing that went well today, though, and that i wish to acknowledge, is that i've finally finished my embroidery. i'd had a bit of a break since last year, and this was much harder and more bothersome than anticipated... but i tied up all the loose threads this morning, washed it and i'm very relieved that it came out clean. i was a bit worried that the outline would stay on the fabric, but luckily i managed to remove it entirely.

@Natasha Tori Maruokay:) thanks for sharing

i used to watch them to distract me from difficult situations and emotions. but my mind remembers these images and still has the most vivid horror fantasies in very inconvenient situations... and it's worse than being scared of being attacked by another person, because my brain thinks some supernatural monsters could just materialise out of thin air. the last one i watched was Smile...that was quite horrible. when i was a teenager i watched one of the Conjuring movies (the one with the Nun.....aaaah!) and i still wonder how i sat through that on my own... i wouldn't dare watch that now.

on most days, i reach a point at least once or twice when i wish i could simply opt out of my life... because there's always something that seems too messy, ugly, complicated. but since i can't opt out of my life, this keeps the pressure up - at least i think it does... i haven't really explored many other alternatives (other than that year when i decided it was all hopeless and stopped doing anything at all - but that didn't leave me feeling any better, either).

i just realised i have been putting way too much pressure on myself these past few weeks. i don't even know why. and whenever i procrastinated, i'd blame myself and then push even harder the next day. if there wasn't so much pressure to begin with, maybe i wouldn't feel the need to make schedules for how to spend my free time more efficiently without wasting away... oddly enough, during my craze i signed up for two university courses on how to stop procrastinating and how to be less scared of exams (in the spirit of keeping up the pressure that has me procrastinating in the first place). i like the book that i read atm, but i spent so much time obsessing over the number of pages i have to read every day...and then usually, i wasn't even in the mood for it because all i could think about was the rest of my to do list . anyway, i felt so stressed out this evening that eventually, i just left my desk, walked out the door, and had to figure out how to cope for a few minutes. (so much stress, so much frustration, then sadness, despair...) now i'm outside and maybe it's for the best that i have finally realised this.

@Natasha Tori Maru okay, this sounds good. i have never tested creatine in isolation without also changing my diet or exercise routine at the same time, so i think this makes it hard for me to tell where exactly the benefits are coming from.

do you think taking creatine consistently is worth it? might be a better question.

sorry i take it back, maybe this was a stupid question or i should have phrased it differently.

i am worried about my inability to relax or be happy. this is such an ongoing issue. i have been making posts about it on this forum for years...that i'm either bored or stressed, or that i don't know how to be happy. this makes me sad. i'm either so devoid of energy - despite the iron infusion, despite taking vitamin D - or i'm stressed about my schedule, what i have to get done, anxious about upcoming events. the only time i'm ever happy is when i have foolish fantasies about how things could be better, if only i did x, y, z or if good things came my way. so that doesn't really count, given that those things hardly ever end up bringing me real happiness. i have to be better, do better all the time, focus on external things....or else i'll just feel empty. things aren't okay yet...so the only thing that can make me happy is the thought of a better future. because look at how ugly everything is now, how ugly i am...i couldn't possibly sit with that and just leave it be, how would i? and i guess i'm either depressed and do nothing, or i chase after some silly fantasy of how yoga or a different gym routine might suddenly make me a better person, or if i read my French book, or if i embroidered more, if only i stuck to my skin care routine, if i had prettier clothes to wear, if i finally figured out how to curl my hair every day...this list goes on and on and on, and all i do to give my life meaning is just so meaningless, so futile, because it never stops me feeling empty. i feel so empty and hollow. i try so hard to stop this, but i haven't managed in all those years. never seem to get the hang of it ...sad.

He left (several years ago) and is doing his own thing now.

i thought you were busy enough playing Freud?

sorry...i'm very tempted to remind you that both creatine and insomnia are just thoughts. i'll shut up now:) Nahm is no longer an active member of this forum.

Gluten is just a thought Nahm is just a thought a thought is just a thought.. and who is the i that claims to be gluten intolerant, i wonder? are there two i-s, the one that is gluten intolerant and the one that thinks about being gluten intolerant? ...no, there is only one i, one Self...