Judy2

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just now, i had a conversation with my mum about insurances. she responded in a bit of a snappy tone that i will have to tell any new insurance company that i've had anorexia in the past, and then they won't want to make me an offer. what she didn't say, but what i think was nonetheless evident in her tone, was blame, anger, maybe superiority. as if she could somehow reclaim her righteousness by presenting it as though my mental disease was born out of a void, out of mere teenage stupidity. it's easier for her to present it that way, after all this time. easier than to consider that something was "wrong" with our family that made developing anorexia exactly the right course of action for her daughter. perhaps there was some element of choice, yes, but my mother still doesn't see how this choice was born out of dire emotional necessity. sometimes i'm still a little sad that she doesn't understand, after all this time. i can accept that she doesn't, and maybe she never will, but i do feel a bearable amount of sadness when i think of this.

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@HopePaul now i'm impressed with my Italian skills:) thought i'd forgotten it all by now. concerning the psychedelics: in my experience, a certain degree of mental stability is necessary to have a higher success rate with these substances. it's not your fault if they aren't the right fit for you atm. i can relate to this feeling of being a bit behind in life. concerning the "social pressure": is it really society pressuring you, though, or is the much more immediate pressure something you yourself are doing and recreating in your own head? is this pressure constant, or does it change over time? i would suppose that it is subject to change, is it not? i don't know what you are referring to?

i get this lump in my throat, too, from time to time. for me, it is mostly associated with sadness, sometimes a little fear or despair. aside from the physical symptoms and the stress/anxiety, what emotions can you register? what behavioural patterns are they linked to? what thought patterns are they linked to?

if a friend told you this, what would you advise them to do? my personal opinion is: it's your doctor's job to handle these things professionally and to support you. the hallucinations will, most likely, not go away on their own. therefore, the 'right thing to do', in my opinion, is to open up to your doctor (even if it's hard and it may seem inconvenient to you in one way or another). this will most likely not result in any compulsory hospitalisation (unless you are an acute danger to yourself or others), but they will work together with you to figure out the appropriate ways to help you.

friendship is generally created through proximity and similarity. on top of that, i think it's important to forge an atmosphere of mutual support: when you can easily share resources (knowledge, emotional support, inviting someone for a coffee, etc.), you do so gladly because you know you'll also benefit from your friends' support soon enough. this is opposed to explicitly weighing favours against each other or keeping close track of "who invested how much".

any HOTD fans on here? how do you feel about season 3? who is your favourite character? who is the character you can best identify with and/or relate to? what do you love about season three? what do you hate about it? (spoilers are allowed)

@Carl-Richarddo you generally avoid soy?

calcium-fortified soy milk and tofu. but i haven't actually counted. my most recent bloodwork came back looking good, though.

i generally enjoy going to the gym, but sometimes i find that environment overstimulating. there's loud music and lots of people are walking by, sometimes a little too close. usually, i don't get ill that often, but this year i had a bad cold twice, so that was a reason for not going....and then while preparing for exams, i also couldn't go that often. i'm trying to make up for that now. in general, i think a lot of people are afraid of going to the gym because it seems like a bit of a harsh environment that invites a lot of judgement and comparison. imagine being overweight or even obese...i'm sure it's challenging to start going to the gym when there are lots of well-trained people there, and it seems as though all eyes are on you. personally, whenever i notice someone like that, i feel a lot of respect for them, but it's probably quite tough for them mentally.

i mean that scene was disgusting and just wrong but also isn't that why we watch GOT/HOTD? to be a little grossed out at times.

yes, i fully agree. in some scenes, you can really empathise with her. the rest evokes a lot of mixed feelings and frustration. yesterday, i felt so sad for Helaena all day. but in my opinion, her end is, perhaps, also "good" (speaking in terms of the show) because it is so tragic and it really makes you go back and reflect on her character. Helaena was one of my favourite characters. the other character i can most relate to is Alicent. in the first two seasons, i believe she is sort of written in such a way that you are supposed to hate her, but over time, i could relate a lot to the internal and external pressures she seemed to experience. Aemond surprised me a little towards the end and i hadn't expected that turn for him at all.

this morning, a friend and i went for a run by the river and ended up running 11 km. it was really nice and good for my psyche...also not even that exhausting as i entered a gentle, mellow flow-state. good start into the day:)

@Natasha Tori Maru hey, thank you for taking the time to reply:) what you say about retinoids makes sense. as for sunscreen: i hadn't considered linking this problem to a lack of mindfulness, but perhaps that's a useful perspective. looking for a different brand may be a good idea, too. i'm vegetarian, but i do get fat from eggs, olive oil, nuts and seeds. i'm still confused if dairy is actually good for me, but i eat that, too. and i hydrate a lot and supplement omega 3s. the last bit you wrote wasn't addressed to me, but i wonder what variety of pumpkin you eat:)

not really doing great...i'm just kind of overwhelmed now, which i'd predicted would happen the second exams are over. idk what to do with myself, i'm not really happy, i notice a lot of discomfort with things that aren't quite right.... i also don't feel motivated to read the books i've been wanting to read and instead just scroll on YouTube. watching a series or something would be fine if i was relaxed and happy doing it, but i'm neither. things aren't urgently horrible, but dissatisfyingly "meh".

i had my last exam of the term today, then spent the evening with three friends from uni, which was quite nice:) today marks the end of my first four months in this town and the first term of studying psychology. i feel as though so much has happened in such a short amount of time, and figured i'd give a little update, now that i'm done studying for the summer. all in all, i can say that things have shifted significantly since i've moved here. the first few weeks (in April and May) were rough, especially since i expected myself to adapt immediately, and i also had some trouble envisioning myself with that new identity of being a psychology student/becoming a psychologist. after the initial shock, i am now quite comfortable with my programme. generally speaking, i work quite well in a system where i'm simply given a couple of hoops that i know i need to jump through. maybe that's a bad trait i have, and maybe this is procrastinating on major life decisions... but maybe it's also good to recognise that, for my mental health, it's not bad at all to be provided with such tight structure. the pressure to get good marks is a bit annoying, though, and in some instances, i would probably feel more positive appreciation of the study contents if i didn't have to learn all this with the goal in mind to tick the right boxes during the exams. alongside the more structured lifestyle, the other significant thing that's changed since i came here is my social life. there are people who i meet almost every other day, we study together, support each other, chat, and so on. in all the time i'd spent at school and university prior to this, i've never had such a rich social life. this shift is generally a good thing and quite enriching, but i can also tell that, even if i don't act it, i still feel quite insecure and wonder what the others think of me....if i'm "too much". i feel like i'm most definitely too much, but daren't ask or express this, either. my relationship with food has generally improved a little bit since i came here. it's been almost completely new for me to eat with or around other people, but i am getting used to it and starting to be able to enjoy it, too. it's also quite helpful to have so many other things to do and focus on throughout the day that i do not have to think about food that much. body image at the moment is quite okay, sometimes even good. on some days, it's still bad. on other days, i'm a little more optimistic. some ongoing problems are that i still judge myself for being "old", at least comparatively speaking. i still have a hard time finding out what career to pursue, and i judge that, too, because isn't that a bit problematic after taking 11 semesters to get my first undergraduate degree, then investing into a completely new degree from scratch without knowing where i want to go? so these are some things i still need to figure out as i keep going.

i have a slightly cheaper version of these and they don't do much for me i'm not autistic, but very sensitive to certain types of noises, although i've found that headphones (over-ear and noise-cancelling) don't help me that much? sometimes they make things worse when i hear loud external sounds mixing with my music. if you know what i'm doing wrong, please let me know:)

@Natasha Tori Maru hey:) i have a couple of questions, if that's okay, because you sound quite well-informed:) i saw a cosmetologist a few months ago (just when i had started using retinol) and she advised me against using it. apparently, that one's better in the autumn and winter? or it can enhance certain problems, too. i think this sort of advice is always confusing to deal with because some people say retinol is the best thing ever and it will fix all your problems, and others say it's the opposite. how do i know what to believe based on that? how do you manage to wear sunscreen every day and not feel bothered (grossed out) by it? i have a combination of oily and dry skin and am finding that hard to deal with atm. around my eyes and on my forehead, it's really dry and wrinkly (despite being only 24 and moisturising twice a day), meanwhile my chin is prone to acne or being oily. do you know anything about this skin type or how to care for it?

@Basman idk if you can relate, but i feel so uncomfortable when i put sunscreen on my face, especially if it has to stay there all day. it makes me feel really dirty because there's so much residue. at the same time, i know that not using sunscreen isn't the best idea, either.

idk if you are German, but we get a youth word of the year every year and there's this lady from the evening news who reads out all the words that we can vote on. just before i came here, i watched a video where she read Du Bist Gut Genug with a really freaky voice lol. personally, i'm not that into the song...but it's a funny coincidence that that's the last bit of the video i watched, and then there's your message:) i don't always hate myself. it's just words i wrote when i was having a bad day. sometimes i also like myself, the world, and the thoughts in my head.

it feels like my very brief happy phase is over and i can't do a thing about it. i'm trying to build myself up again, but it doesn't work. there's so much discomfort and everything inside me is convulsing. it's tinting everything black, or at least a very unflattering shade of dark blue that's incomprehensible and, frankly, quite befuddling to me. i feel so ugly, and i see no sunshine when i look into the future....everything feels so uncomfortable and just "off". don't know how to fix that. ugh. the worst part is, i try so hard to somehow make myself feel better (i'm being blamed if i don't, after all), but it won't work. maybe it's the wrong approach anyway, and i should just let myself suffer a bit, instead of fighting it. i hate myself and my life and i'm so ugly. the sadness should have bled right out by now, but i'm on day five and everything is still draped in heavy, thick, grey curtains.

my mood's still off today, but i went for my morning run anyway. the entire time, i was thinking about how bad everything feels, but after i'd finished with a little sprint, i felt better. then i went to meet two friends from uni and we studied together. we also had lunch together, which is still challenging for me, but i am starting to get used to it. in the afternoon, we went for a long walk and after a while, the topic of eds, body dysmorphia etc. came up. at some point, i checked out of the conversation and just didn't say anything for twenty minutes or so, and simply let them talk. they both seem to have experienced difficulties with body image and eds. one of them (i've mentioned her before) was very comfortable talking about her past, and i'm sure i could have contributed to the discussion, but i simply didn't feel ready... i think? so i remained silent, for the most part. regardless, it felt like my silence was rather loud and was saying something as it was, but we all left that uncommented. now i'm still kind of exhausted pondering all of this.

i'm at home and i could technically relax, except i can't because i'm still so stressed out thinking about my parents and how they won't leave me alone. feeling triggered....uncomfortable.

i'm on my way back and a little relieved to return to my own place and the things and projects waiting for me there. earlier, when we dropped my brother off at the station, i almost cried and felt so sad. i'm also so sad now, thinking of how much i love and admire him. he seems so whole to me ♡ i don't even know how to make sense of this emotion, why this makes me sad, of all things. shouldn't it make me happy? maybe cause i don't see him often, i don't know. this weird emotion has appeared a few times these past few weeks, whenever i thought of him: i feel love but i feel so sad. he sent me a text saying he was glad i'd come with. i'm guessing that's in response to my screaming i didn't wanna be there two nights ago. ...this only makes it so much more complicated. i love to hear that sort of thing from him, but i don't get how he can stand to be around our parents when i barely manage. and the point i'd made screaming wasn't about him, anyway. i wish i could see my brother more often without our parents being a part of it.