Judy2

i feel so exhausted

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why is my life so complicated, why do i have to feel so unsafe all the time? i can only do it wrong, all the time. i always have to be feeling bad about something, always have to be hating myself, always have to be tense and on the lookout for potential danger

i just want to be safe and i don't know how

i want to cry

i'm not safe. not anywhere.

i'm scared!

scared! anxious!

a quick note based on the little psychoanalytical expertise that i have, insights from this past week: i'm not the typical borderliner in that i rarely express anger. but around my parents, i tend to be the most narcissistic, apoplectic, rude, unfriendly, closed-off bitch. sometimes i don't like it when they're touching me. sometimes when they talk to me i don't reply, sometimes i urge them to "leave me alone!" what they can't see is that this stems from an intense anxiety that they might get too close to me, that they might do or say something that enters my system, my sensory aparatus, my body - without my personal consent, violently, irrevocably. it gets to me too quickly, too much. so i'm usually anxious (and by extension, angry) around them just by default, especially around times when drama and conflict is to be expected. i despise their advice, i hate it when they comment on my affairs, when they tell me what to do. which is so funny, because i've always wanted to be an adult around them...but maybe in truth i was just trying to get some space, some sense of autonomy...because now, as an adult, true responsibility scares me like hell (as i've already mentioned a million times before, but it's interesting in the context of me refusing, or even dreading, parental advice). playing the adult was just a trick i played on them and myself to be able to distance myself a little bit...but i have no f*ing idea how to be an actual adult, how to actually live and make sense of life and take care of myself....it's just that my system is screaming "away! run away!" whenever i'm near my parents. i don't know why i'm this messed up and evil. why i'm this complicated and ugly. being so conflicted about my own self-image doesn't make it any easier when i feel vulnerable around my parents. it only makes it worse, because already there is such conflicted emotion within myself, and they're intruding upon that and only making everything harder. ...i don't know... just wanted to summarise this insight. got a lot of "figuring out" to do in life, these weeks and months to come, i guess. things are very difficult and confusing. i don't even know whoi am or who i should be or what i want - and especially, if i should want the healthy path or the unhealthy one, or something inbetween...it's always especially complicated when i have to account for so many parts of myself, the one that wants emotional quick-fixes, the one that's a bit wiser, and the wiser one that gets desperate because even if i am trying to be wise, life is so complicated that it's jist not so easy and maybe it would be okay to keep a little bit of illness/dysfunction, because everybody does... so yeah it gets confusing and i got no clue what to do or where to go!

still feeling very, very lost still got nothing to hold onto no place, no person, not even myself i don't even know what to do with myself, who to be, if i should be underweight or at bmi 18 (a little skinny but healthy looking but probably not entirely healthy for me personally) or 21 (ugly and fat but able to eat whatever i want)... i don't know. ...overwhelmed. i want to cry. i don't know what to do, or where to go. tears are flooding my eyes...

...made it back to my flat, now i have mixed feelings. i have a very tidy room (almost too perfect and tidy), but noisy neighbours and lots and lots and lots of bad memories (as opposed to the good childhood memories attached to my parents' place). i'm a bit overwhelmed and still don't quite know what to do, still don't know where things are going/supposed to go. it's a lot. do i really want to stay here to write my thesis, or go some place else? ... got an appointment with my professor next week, so it makes sense to stay until then, and see what to do after that. oh well. Life is difficult, this place is difficult. so. many. challenges. oppressing environment.

...just got a lot going on and it's difficult enough figuring things out by myself - hence the silence. i've attempted to write things down and give a longer update several times, but so far i haven't managed to come up with a coherent version that covers everything. maybe that'll come later:)

i don't want to gain any more weight. i feel a lot more comfortable being lean.

i want someone to explain my situation to me and tell me what to do

i'm stupid, i hate myself, and i most definitely hate my parents.

i feel like i have a gigantic self-worth issue and i don't know how to fix that and i want to cut into my legs i feel overwhelmed with the situation. i don't feel good. i don't know where this is leading (supposed to lead) and i don't know if it will be alright....if everything is just gonna turn into one gigantic catastrophe.

i'm feeling pretty depressed. if i eat enough to get to a healthy weight again, soon i won't fit my clothes anymore, i'll feel too ashamed of myself to leave the house, talk to people, do things outside in the real world, go swimming... i hate myself, i hate my life. i love Life, but my life's always such a mess, there aren't any easy answers, it seems. i don't feel good.

i hate myself and this is all too much i feel so stupid for always doing the hardest bits all on my own, all by myself, without any support without anyone knowing or witnessing or realising what i'm doing

it's too much, i can't handle this, i don't know why i opted for doing all the most difficult things all at once and why i chose to take it all upon myself all at once, without any support...it's so much more than i can handle all on my own. i don't know why i'm like this, this is stupid

struggling. overwhelmed. ... just a thought, but maybe if there's no one and nothing to hold onto...i could just "fly". whatever that means. it's all quite a lot, i'm this close to hurting myself... i feel stupid for doing all the hard bits without psychological support, as usual. i don't know why i'm like this. it's all too much, i hate this.

i'm probably a really horrible person.... i'm sorry!

i hate my parents, i don't feel safe around them, i don't feel good...they're ruining everything and making all things beautiful so ugly and stressful. i wish they could just leave me alone, wish i could exist without them and live the best life ever. really, if it weren't for them, this would have been a perfect day.

meeting my brother's long-term girlfriend for the first time ever tonight, which should be lovely....but yeah, feelings are mixed because the situation in general is so stressful.

to top things off, we went on, took our bicycles and rode to a nearby stream to bathe. the landscape was beautiful, sublime. near-perfection, paradise. i probably haven't been this alive in years. maybe everything might be alright after all... still, there's a latent sense of conflict and anxiety. ... i hate my parents. by the end of the day, we still return to their house; their presence is ruining everything. i hate their noisiness, i don't feel safe, they're making me anxious, they're cutting right through me... leave me alone, please!

went on a short hike with my big brother, which was very nice:) if all goes well, i'll visit him in Zurich next weekend and we'll go for a longer hike in the Swiss mountains.