Judy2

i've been thinking about renaming this journal. do you have any suggestions?

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ok:)

he hasn't texted back yet. i think i'm annoying...even though i haven't said that much. but i'm still convinced that i'm annoying or too much or something, and he only messaged me because he felt sorry for me or didn't want me to feel embarrassed for reaching out.

for all the German speakers, i'd go as far as to say, this is in fact not cringe because they are being cringe on purpose. it's just art at that point. for all the others...i leave that for you to judge:) the song is about pineapples, in case that matters.

i had a few good moments over the past few days, but there's also this feeling of disgust and overwhelm sneaking in, getting bigger. there are a lot of things not going as smoothly as they should, and it makes me irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. it's this creepy feeling that makes me want to act a little crazy just to feel better, to feel a little safer again.

i met someone at a hostel two weeks ago and we had a few conversations. we didn't exchange numbers, but i liked him and he was very charismatic. found him online and i am wondering if it would be weird to reach out to him? he's a little older than me, so maybe he'd find it weird if i leech onto him like that.

i added him and he messaged me first....although he kept it very short and started his message with "Judith!", now idk if that's good or not.

i don't know if anyone can relate, but i've been wanting to discuss the following type of situation: it's usually a social situation that i just smile through, and once it's over i bathe in the shock or outrage. wouldn't exactly call it cringe, but it's very emotionally intense. last time it happened was when an elderly couple on the train chatted with me, then invited me to stay at their place for free. i nodded politely all throughout, and once we parted, i just had to shake my body and couldn't really cope for a few minutes. or when a professor whom i had asked a question answered with "oh geeez, i don't know. you'll have to look that up again. it's not me who has to take the exam." i just nodded politely and afterwards i had to text like three friends to channel the shock. it's kind of fun and accelerating when that happens, though. i would be curious to hear everybody's thoughts on this dynamic or if you tend to experience something similar every now and then:)

i did that a couple years ago. if i think i need it (usually i don't), i can just use my computer and open it in the browser.

any HOTD fans on here? how do you feel about season 3? who is your favourite character? who is the character you can best identify with and/or relate to? what do you love about season three? what do you hate about it? (spoilers are allowed)

is flying like swimming in the air in your dreams?

i'm an INFJ, too. most of the time, i don't wear the same outfit two days in a row, but if the clothes aren't dirty, i would save certain pieces and wear them again a few days later before washing them (except for shirts, socks, and underwear). i do stick to certain combinations of clothes, though, as soon as i have found one that i like. for example, my blue skirt is usually best paired with a particular top, and so forth.

i definitely wouldn't mind having someone like Daemon in my life to give me a pep talk every morning...the things i could achieve... what traits do you think you share with him?

@Human Mint what a shitty doctor. something like that should be taken seriously. movement is a good measure in most cases, for sure. also sensory stimulation and distraction and/or reappraisal. although it would also be interesting to find out what is beneath these symptoms. a spider crawling into my ear is right up there on my list of fears along with claustrophobia and a shark attacking me inside a swimming pool. creepy.

*and now i'm almost happy again, for a few moments, here and there. my luggage has also been found and will hopefully be sent to me, which is a huge relief.

okay, that sounds good.

i feel a lot better, though, now that i am back in my apartment. having been away gives me a whole new appreciation for having my own place that is comfortable and that largely reflects my own aesthetic preferances. my parents stopped by briefly and we managed to stand each other surprisingly well for those three hours. at my request, they left me a colourful glass sphere that used to belong to my late grandmother. they are selling the house and this is one of the objects i remember being fascinated by as a child, even though they seem to have barely noticed it when it sat on my grandparents' living room table. well, it's on my desk now and i'm quite fond of that inheritance♡

and what's my excuse for googling him?

a few years ago, i had zero access to anger. i mostly just felt sad. i feel so angry now, and i can barely stand it. so violated. i want to hurt myself, want to do anything to stop feeling this way. this was such a challenging trip for me, it's something i'd been too scared to do before, and everything went wrong. and then mum thinks she can comfort me by pointing out that i had such a good trip....how would she know? she has no right to judge that. she doesn't even have access to all the information needed to accurately judge that. it's the same old problem, that it's never even acknowledged just how tiny and hurt i can feel. how overwhelmed. this was so stressful, especially the past few days. also a few days in, when my credit card stopped working. i hate myself for going. i should have just stayed home. i knew exactly that i would hate the hostels, the people, the noise, the chaos...i should have just stayed home. i feel so ugly and guilty.

today was one of the worst days i have had in a while, and also the worst airport experience ever. i got up at 1 (could have slept longer but didn't wanna risk it), drove to the airport, and at 4.15am i was told that i wasn't allowed to board my 6.20am plane and should wait until 1pm instead (i should have been home by then). so i hung out at the airport all morning, which was super boring. then two planes, and at 6pm i arrived....but of course i was informed that my luggage is now lost in Amsterdam. i spent around two hours waiting in line, trying to figure out how to fix the situation....and was super overstimulated and overwhelmed at that point. i didn't, but i kind of felt like destroying things, ripping my ticket into pieces and smashing my phone on the ground....because there was little else that i could do to help resolve the situation, and i was so desperate. there was an overwhelming amount of emotional charge that i couldn't really channel elsewhere. it's 10 pm now and i just came home. praying that i'll get my belongings back.

yes, it's a matter of degree and complexity.

animals are also prediction machines. think Pawlow. (when talking about conditioning in my psychology lecture they called this "predictive processing"). maybe even plants are prediction machines. sometimes they orient themselves toward the sun or have circadian rhythms and close their petals at night.

maybe Taylor Swift will announce a pregnancy or something.

i've been contemplating the topic of happiness and while there's been an increase in my baseline level of happiness, generally (but also practically) speaking, i still see some obstacles that i would like to discuss with you. i mean, even when life is good or when we see some improvements, we can still worry about the future, what may go wrong, what may be taken away, what may fail....and if we followed through with that logic, it could technically mean that we can never be happy because there is always a chance that something will go wrong. how do you free yourself from this anxiety? just detach completely? but it's also naive to say that our happiness as human beings isn't tied to certain conditions (health, social bonds, etc.).