Judy2

i feel dysregulated, unsafe, worried, overwhelmed, and don't know how to calm down.

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i feel quite horrible. just want to black out or disappear for a few days.

i'm at the gym but i can't move because i feel so uncomfortable. there are a couple of things accumulating, but most prominently the mental baggage from the weekend. i find it really hurtful that dad continuously gaslights me whenever i voice a sensation, perception or emotion that i experience. whenever i do that, he tries to deconstruct it and explain to me how what i feel isn't real. i've told him before that he does this, but he keeps doing it. thinking of this right now adds to my present discomfort.

okay, now i'm starting to worry and stress over the whole career uncertainty situation...the countless options and the fact that at this point, i genuinely don't know what's next. it's one thing to try to clean up my lifestyle and figure out things that are good for me....it's another to decide which of these things i will end up doing professionally. ....feeling quite worried and anxious now, and i guess that's the time to stop pushing with the reflections. it's unlikely i'll find the right answer in this state anyway. so cooling down it is, knowing i'll generate a better response to all these questions from a place of trust and relaxation? i feel anxious! and uncomfortable.

being some kind of househod manager (or basically a housewife with her own salary) seems very Zen. it seems like i wouldn't have to worry anymore about exams and deadlines, or anything complicated and "important" like that. i'd just live life with the same chores, be creative, love my chores, and feel safe. nothing else to achieve. no pressure. just day to day existence with no long-term objective that i could fail at. without the weight of the world on my shoulders. ... the only caveat is that i don't know where to find permanent employment like that (with a good enough salary). or maybe i should be a nun. that sounds chill, too....basically eliminates all temptations to stress about material identities...but then do the monks and nuns of this world really master detachment, if the only way to cope with all the charge of modern society is to remove themselves from it entirely? ...besides, being a nun isn't really my vibe and i'm not religious. ...simply considered the lifestyle for a bit.

i've been wanting to give an update this week to reflect on my recent habits and activities, as well as potential links to future career choices. but tbh i've been procrastinating a lot on this, whether i try to write it for the forum journal or just for myself. i guess there's always this huge expectation kicking in to do it perfectly and to highlight all facets.... and then it goes deeper than i feel comfortable reflecting, and it gets complicated when i try to consider all sides of things.... anyway... now i thought i just wanna note the following... for context, i spent the day teaching two online classes and this wasn't really enjoyable for me as students hardly participate. to cool down and get in some daily movement, i went for a ride on my bike while listening to my favourite podcast. now i'm back home baking granola for my parents. basically, the line that popped up again was "i feel like i can do magic when...". i feel like i can do magic when i create beautiful dishes and prepare healthy meals for other people. i had the same phrase on my mind earlier this week when i tidied up my parents' stuff and thought: "look, i can do magic, this looks so much better already". and i'm noting this down not to show off, but because it's such an important indicator for me personally that i should take more seriously: what activities make me feel like i can do magic? and i guess there've been a couple that have been making me feel good - magical - like playing the piano every day...but i don't think i'll become a professional pianist any time soon. with cooking, baking, knowledge about nutrition, and organisation skills i'm not so sure about dismissing them. i wouldn't mind being some kind of household manager - if you signed me up tomorrow that could be my dream life - although i have yet to encounter a job advert like that. ...it's a weird phase to be in these days, to re-think my future job from scratch and go through all of my options. there seem to be a lot more than it thought, and i haven't really decided yet. i could be a fitness instructor, even a personal trainer, a dietitian, counsellor/psychotherapist, cook-book author (don't really see myself as some kind of influencer though...that sounds like a lot of anxiety for me), and on and on. i hope i'll figure this out.

i find it difficult to navigate dieting and body recomposition and all that stuff in a healthy, moderate way. i feel so stupid for struggling like that. i feel like nobody really understands, i can't talk to anyone about it cause i already feel judged. i feel like no one even remotely understands how difficult it is to navigate my nutrition and fitness goals as someone who's been hospitalised for being underweight for a year, lost her period twice for about 6 years in total, almost died from anorexia, and looks very healthy but too big now. i feel like no one understands how difficult it is for me to still pursue the aesthetic goals i have for myself without getting out of balance and accidentally damaging my mental or physical health. i feel so alone and like no one would believe me this is a problem one could have as a recovering anorexia survivor. .... wrote my dietitian an email in december but she still hasn't replied yet and i feel so alone. i can't wait to talk to her next week. basically been in bed and crying for half an hour straight now. cause i had a zoom call and looked at myself on the screen for a little too long, and now i hate everything about my body.

i feel really ugly, i am suffering, and i want to get liposuction all over my body.

signed up for a 13km obstacle run in july.... i'm excited and it's something i can train for in the months to come.

had a nice time at the gym this morning. i finished off my strength session with 20 minutes of running, starting at 8km/h and working my way up to 10km/h for the last minute. surprisingly enjoyable and it left me feeling good. then i was in the sauna for a few minutes before having a shower. ... running seems to be good for me and i should turn it into a routine to do at least 10 minutes at the end of every session.

the horse therapy was weird. it took me some time to get warm with the instructor's extroversion and confidence. then i was supposed to do some abstract arts with stuff on the ground and lead the horse through these representations of my different states of mind. this didn't really resonate with me and i found it quite cringe. i also didn't get to sit on the horse (sad), but i did get to pet it (a lot - best part!). he was a very handsome Spanish stallion:) and i took off my gloves to feel how warm he was. probably won't be doing the horse therapy again, but i could try regular horse riding, after all.

@UnbornTao yes you're right

i've watched Leo's YouTube series on Spiral Dynamics several times in the past few years and was wondering if i'd still get value from reading the book at this point? maybe someone who has read it could let me know:)

doing a bit better. sometimes there's just nothing i can do except wait, it seems. anyway, atm i'm really enjoying listening to music and playing the piano, cycling/going to the gym, and cooking and baking for my family. and i guess it's better for me to try and be productive throughout the day. tomorrow i'll try horse riding therapy for the first time. it's quite expensive, so i'm not sure if i'll do this in the long term, but i'd like to try at least one session. ...my mum talked me into it, because her special needs students get this covered by the state and seem to like it....and i wanted to try riding horses again anyway, just to see what it's like. ...last summer when i had my regressive episode, i dreamed of being a little girl again, having lots of hobbies like riding horses and living life with no responsibilities because i'm too sick to handle them, so i can only do simple stuff. i guess it's not quite what i fantasised now, but it's something. probably gonna be way too cold and uncomfortable, but maybe there'll be some nice moments, too.

yeah i wanted to add that i don't really believe it would work, and that feeling the emotions may escalate things even further.

in the life purpose course, i've finally arrived at the section on values assessment last week. i've tried to do some of the exercises but find that it's difficult to get clear on my values. the hardest part is probably that i am supposed to imagine what my "ideal" self would value, which is driving me more into hypothetical "should" territory where i imagine some picture book version of myself....it's hard to say if this would be the authentic me though. for example, i can't get quite clear on how much i actually value community. is it just social anxiety that's in the way, or is my desire for engaging with other people in a communal way naturally low, or something inbetween? it's also really hard to determine if a value is mildly important vs the thing everything else hinges upon for me. and i have the same issue with many other core values as well. i guess it's a bit of a catch 22 because you need to know your ideal self to know what you value, but you need to know your values to know your ideal self. and then this usually culminates in me trying to analyse myself like some omniscient narrator, rather than connecting with myself. any advice on how to gain a bit more clarity? is there any method to make this inquiry simpler, rather than drifting off into too theoretical territory?

it's so weird but i get this combination of depression and agoraphobia (nothing new really, i've had this for years on and off and feel it again now). not in the clinical sense, but i basically don't want to go outside or go anywhere because i'd feel myself being alive (which i generally want, but sometimes i don't). when i remain stationary, it's easier to pretend i'm not actually here, to dream myself away... but then i get started thinking too much about all the things that aren't good enough about me, and maybe i never will be good enough, or happy, let alone okay. i don't feel safe. i don't. feel. safe. i don't feel safe! i'm ugly. i'm not enough. no one loves me. i'm so alone. and so lost.

thank u i get where the advice is coming from and it's generally not a bad idea i'm a little scared i'll lose it and never feel better

...not feeling great

i feel scared, and alone. which is so weird because when i'm around family, i count down the days to be alone again, to have my peace...cause i can't even feel myself enough to feel alone around them. and then when i'm finally on my own, soon enough it's the silence, the emotion that becomes so unbearable. everything's grey - quiet. maybe too quiet. i don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

*** okay, i also feel scared, insecure, lost....bored today. i am calm, but something inside me continues to be fearful, worried, hypervigilant. i don't trust; i sense danger. i feel insecure, don't know what to do, struggle with decisions (what to do throughout the day, and beyond that). i am lost, i don't see the way, there's no clarity. someone please tell me what to do, what's right, where to go, what i need to do to be safe and good enough. i'm scared. i feel judged, and i judge myself for the fact that i've been an adult for 5 years now, pursued a degree and everything, and still don't know what to do with myself, what's next, whether to keep studying or find a job, what job.... people judge me, too, and i come across as stupid and delusional and childish and immature when i humiliate myself stuttering "it's all very vague atm" and "my plans aren't that concrete yet". i feel so stupid. so ugly. So lost. i feel sad and scared. i was good at school. i should have had this (life) figured out by now. (yet no one takes into account the degrees of mental illness i've been struggling with throughout the years that have been significantly slowing down my progress in life) ...i feel SO stupid. ...crying in bed now. i wish i could go downstairs and show all the feels to my brother and have him comfort me. can't remember ever doing this though, that's not what we do in this family - which i regret...but idk if i can show up crying and expect him to deal with that. he's been so nice to me today, that's good enough.

@Salvijus(:

happy new year everyone ♡ i didn't do anything spectacular on new year's eve, to be honest, and i feel a bit like a grandma these days with the way i don't party and like my sleeping hours to be consistent. i simply spent the evening alone, relaxed, and went through my values and goals for 2026. this morning, i went cycling (until it got too cold), tidied up a bit, and then i prepared lunch for my brother and i. he wasn't that hungry (still hungover and full from the party food yesterday) but still said it tasted good and thanked me for cooking - i don't know why, but that's such a compliment coming from him♡ the parents are away and somehow it's easier for me to share a meal with him than with either mum or dad - maybe because we generally have less disagreements, so it feels safer. anyway, i appreciate that he spends time with me and feel a lot of love for him. yesterday, we also watched some tv together before he left to see his friends, and i don't care about the tv but i care so much that he's willing to spend time with me. i also wanted to note briefly that i went to the gym again yesterday morning (after a bit of a break due to the holidays and everything) and really enjoyed myself. my gym routine is definitely something i want to keep up this year, as it helps so much with structure as well as my mental and physical health - it provides equilibrium. anyway.....that's it with the update and i wish you all a wonderful new year. "2026" feels nice. i'll try my best to make it a good one.

i feel bored, but i can't do anything productive or meaningful because i'm not safe. not with dad in the house. i can't stay here.