Judy2

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what about green tea?

i guess it's also the combination of being in a new apartment i don't feel quite comfortable in yet, and then also starting at uni. that's too many destabilising factors all at once, because it removes too many of the "pillars" i could hold onto while the others crumble a bit. now it feels like the entire roof is coming down, because it's being shaken up all at once. a pillar still standing: i did my make-up this morning and it turned out quite nice and i wore a really nice outfit, a dark blue skirt and a white top with light blue flowers, plus my pale pink coat and my white fllower hand bag. another one: exercise, my gym routine, the obstacle run i am training for. and another one: the book i am currently reading (the third part of the Fourth Wing series, maybe not as good as the first one? but still interesting enough)

@UnbornTao yeah you're right:) i like caffeine paired with exercise, though... but i guess it's also a matter of how much do i have, and i've had too much today.

i feel nervous and anxious... like i'm about to snap any second and either have a panic attack or dissociate. it's normal, i'm in a new city, i'm not used to having this many appointments and going so many new places, being around so many people. it's normal and it'll be fine. but gosh, i'm panicking. ...dissociating? i've had too much caffeine and i am definitely getting hypervigilant, hyperaware. it's odd, but apparently i feel safer outside than in my flat? which isn't how it usually goes for me. but inside, i'm all stuck, alone with my feelings - and that only enhances the anxiety, when i let myself feel it. at least outside, i'm kind of used to suppressing things a bit. it's a lot.

...now that i think about it, i feel kinda panicky

had my first university event today and it was definitely a lot. i think my brain is still trying to make sense of my whole living/education/career situation and is constantly evaluating and cross-comparing if things are fine, and then i project whatever result i come up with onto the next 3-5 years. it's subtle, but this is definitely the process working within me at the moment. scary. it helps to remember that, while i've decided on a tracectory for my studies ... the rest isn't carved into stone. i can still change my living situation every term, i could still find a job on the side....so even if things feel oddly permanent rn, the way they haven't been for a while and that i've dreamed of for long, to finally be clear on things - even now, i still have the power to keep making adjustments to my situation. very odd process my brain is going through rn, though! i guess it's also odd because, yes, i am scared and insecure now - but i kind of have to remind myself, without this, without all the novelty, i'd be just as insecure and scared, albeit in a more familiar way, plus i'd beat myself up for not having a vision. which is at least something i have now? but it's definitely a struggle for me and my emotions to adjust to the entirely new set of circumstances. ugh. it's scary to even think about it. ... i don't quite feel safe here, but i always feel that way, no matter where i am, so i may as well be here, of all places? i don't know. scary.

it wasn't a negative experience. in fact it was quite blissful and orgasmic, if i may say so. but i agree on the rest, that it's not as clear-cut and there are many different flavours to these sorts of experiences.

i'm simply curious to survey this and encourage some awareness regarding what's helpful and what isn't:) there are no right or wrong answers - feel free to share what you personally feel works (or doesn't work) for you.

@Leo Gura i've been wanting to ask something because i had a mystical experience six years ago when i was also in a very detrimental state in terms of physical and mental health. i am guessing there were dissociative and maybe even psychotic elements to the experience, but the ego death also felt very distinct and it was like i exploded or flipped inside out because my body was too weak to contain any sense of separation. i had also been consuming a lot of spiritual content in the months leading up to the experience. so i think the awakening part of it was very real, but the intersection with the dissociative/psychotic phenomena was really confusing to me then, and is still hard to make sense of now. do you have any insights on that?

just when i decided horror movies are bad for my brain, those images are all over Leo's blog.

i went for a thirty minute run alongside the fields right outside the city today, and it went quite well and felt good.

i think OP is referring to the latest video on rationality? but a direct quote would be helpful. @jd1279from what i remember, Leo was deliberately creating a bit of a straw man there and also did not mean any of it as an insult. i understand that you don't want misinformation to be spread about your condition. shame is something inside you though - so even if Leo meant to insult you, you decide whether to believe what he says and feel ashamed - or brush it off. which is not to say Leo has no responsibility in saying accurate things that don't insult people, and he should be called out for it if he fails to do so - but power to you for not letting yourself be insulted, either. personally, i think people with autism are simply different from neurotypical people in the way they process certain things - and this isn't a value judgement. there can even be massive benefits in the way autistic people can contribute to society, while they probably also face massive challenges that our society should be more conscious of and help accommodate in the future.

i haven't had anything tested in regards to this, but it's recommended you eat a good amount of fibre per day, and also different kinds of fibre: 30+ different plants a week, which is actually easier than it sounds. good sources that come to mind are: oats, vegetables, fruit/berries, psyllium husks, chia seeds, legumes.

i feel like if this is your reasoning for why you are right, there might be some holes to your logic? cause this screams "reactionary". other than that, i'm with @Verdesbird - don't really get what you suggest here. no one forces you to do therapy, you're a free person.

wrote in my new gratitude-and-best case scenarios-journal this morning...but i am still feeling so triggered and uncomfortable and ugly.

@PsychedelicEagle okay, thanks for explaining!

okay, that is already pretty decent! the only missing element that remains then is a larger sense of purpose. how are things going in that department? have you spent time thinking about how to balance finding happiness in the present moment and working toward inspiring long-term goals?

@ZenAlex how's your social life and what activities do you fill your days with?

where does your definition of whole foods start and end? if it's one-ingredient nut butter, does that still count, or is it already too processed? what about protein powder? at the moment, i'm mostly whole food vegetarian, but i guess depending on the definitions of the above maybe not really?

still feeling very triggered and anxious. it's the amount of difficult circumstances arising that are not as easy to smooth out as i'd hope them to be, and how all of that is building up and accumulating, that is making this quite stressful. i'll go to the gym this morning and try to explore my surroundings a bit, and then stick to healthy routines (reading, studying) to fill the day - but the noises around me and a couple of technical issues are making things tougher than they should be right now. and again, it's just how everything amasses that feels very destabilising. ugh. there's so much anxiety i just can't release.

emotional regulation has been tough these past few days. i'm writing this down for myself, to recognise what's going on and that it may boil down to having to build up just a litttle bit more tolerance for sitting with the discomfort. it's also odd, because i tend to think i should push myself to be more active in the world, have more stuff on my schedule, be less hesitant about going places i've never been before....but when i do, it turns out my personality also isn't quite made for this, and i still have a high need for safety, routine, stability - which is itself, rather paradoxically, something i don't always know how to honour. anyway, i've also been feeling a little guilty for how these dysregulated, intense emotions show in my interactions with other people. my mum had to stand me being unbearably irritated and angry for the better half of the day yesterday, which i think was just my way of covering up all the underlying fear, anxiety, vulnerability .... i think she knows that, and i did my best to thank her for her support in a quieter moment, but still....can't really tell how to make up for it. given the fact that i just moved to a new city to start studying at a new university, i obviously can't help but draw certain parallels to the June of 2020, and how that went down. at the time, i did not have an inch of brain space left for reflecting on this, but now it hits me all the more, and i can't think about it for too long when i realise how horrible it must have been for my mother, how she must have cried alone feeling utterly helpless when my brother drove off with me, and i was in such a condition that i am pretty sure she had serious doubts she would ever see me alive again. she never cried in front of me then, and i didn't have the slightest capacity to imagine her crying....but i'm pretty sure she did, and if it had been me, i think i could not have stood it the way she did.

*super stressed out.

despite the physical exhaustion from the day, i didn't exactly sleep well. i woke up at 1 and lay awake for an annoyingly long amount of time. when i finally slept, i had some weird nightmarish sleep-paralysis and felt like i was being strangled, probably because my airways are still blocked from the flu i've had these past few weeks. today's also starting off a bit more stressful than i would have wanted it to be. i am trying my best to settle into empowering, positive new routines, though.

...i'm scared.