Judy2

hi there:) so i'm still in the process of figuring out what i should do with myself, and this has been quite stressful tbh. while i'm trying to decide on further university programmes etc. i may want to sign up for, i figured that one thing i could do now, without a degree, is to write a cookbook or even start a recipe blog. in general, i really enjoy cooking and baking, i enjoy creating new recipes or watching health and nutrition-related content on YouTube. while i have been thinking for a while that i could also start making my own content, i have a number of concerns in this regard. as i have a pretty intense eating disorder history and have been experiencing more immediate symptoms again in the past few months, not only may the aspect of thinking about recipes etc. be triggering - so may the whole body image aspect, "putting myself out there", being vulnerable etc. i am not fond of the whole self-presentation thing, this idea of needing to "sell yourself" online, and i estimate it would be a huge, huge trigger for me to think about how i am being perceived all day every day. some of you may know that it was a huge fuss for me to have a profile picture with my face on here....and i doubt i'd be comfortable showing my body or even just my face on a blog post or on the cover/inside of my hypothetical cookbook. in general, my vision would be to combine recipes with some kind of framework that communicates more gentle nutrition tips, as i am aware that while many people on this planet need to lose weight and the aggressive approach of certain fitness coaches online may yield great results for some people, it can also aggravate mental symptoms in others as nutrition is not just scientific and objective - it's also subjective, emotional, and psychological. so i'd like my recipes to be framed by that kind of compassionate approach and include tips on how to have a healthy relationship with food etc. (which i don't have yet). anyway, i don't know if i can realistically do this with the current body image and disordered eating challenges at hand that i am facing in my personal life. i also assume it might be quite embarrassing to try this kind of thing, if people who know me find out about it. i'm also not sure to what extent this kind of domain presupposes i'd have to start making videos for YouTube/Instagram, if i'd want my cookbook or blog to be successful. by the way, i also do not have the slightest idea how to start a blog in the first place - if anybody knows, fire away:)

if i had to answer spontaneously, i'd say my "niche" would be to unite insights on gentle/positive nutrition and mental health in a holistic way. it's kind of weird but viewers seem to like it when people narrate something that seems a little off topic during these videos, so it could work. i'm still worried about the emotional strain it may put om me though, bit maybe i can just try one step at a time. i may also invest in a 6 month programme to become a certified nutritionist in the next few months....so maybe that can be combined nicely. but i still need to find out if that certification is legit and worth the money. or i'll just do it and stop overthinking. it still doesn't sit right with me to do all that marketing though. i think that could be triggering as hell.

do i need to get a camera and a microphone? that's kind of intimidating to me. do i have to make some subscriptions to programmes or applications i can use for cutting videos, formatting blog/cookbook pages etc.?

yes i'm aware of that. but once i get the traffic there, is it just people visiting the website that brings in money or do i also have to sell something? my dad's colleague sells cookbooks on amazon and i can ask him for advice.

i just want to be safe. that's all.

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it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around. but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder. cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z. it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game. is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good. .... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there". ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.). i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time. i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

i can't fall asleep so i'll just write a bit to wind down. so earlier i was debating whether to start another post in the mental health section...then i realised it would just be the tenth or twentieth time of me asking "i'm stressed and i can't relax - how do i relax?" i feel so messed up and really quite uncomfortable in my own skin. random insight, but approximately since last summer, every now and then i've been thinking that i can change my attitude toward money and be a bit more liberal with my finances. what good is a full bank account if, talking in extremes, i'll end up so miserable i wanna die. not that that has anything to do with the money..but i'm thinking that i may as well gamble a bit and invest in stuff (education, therapy). might be a waste, or it might make my life a tiny bit better and make me happier. who cares. i don't have the energy to care anymore. and i'm miserable anyway. ...i'm shocked every time i hit a low like that, that that's just life. or maybe that's life at 23. but i keep waiting for it to get better. i don't see why it's always such an endless struggle, why everything hits me so hard. ...kind of anticipating that autism or adhd diagnosis. not that that mattered. would just be nice to validate that i'm weird. it doesn't really matter what it's called, but i can just tell there's so much tension, so it's the ... and, most likely, generalised anxiety again - i've had it for years and it keeps finding new things to worry about, new topics that haunt me day and night as if my life depended on it. i feel so exhausted and the worst part is i can't even relax when i try....that makes me sad to admit. haaaaa. sigh. a few days ago i was still trying to counter this all with some positive lessons, but by now i've been conquered. i know that back then a technique i wanted to share, that i actually felt hopeful about, was to ground myself in things that are permanent, steady, and independent of the current object of my anxiety. something like the weekly podcast i listen to - it'll be there again next week, and it'll make me smile a little bit, no matter how stressed i am right now about the mess that's my life. i hate being such a mess. that's not me....i hope i'll get over that soon, but for now i feel forced to be such a mess and to hustle, after all, to try to get somewhere good and get things sorted. ....too much pressure. crying as i'm writing this. i think i'm just sad at the situation, the neverending struggle. is that all life is? it should be more. but i don't think it is. i think most people just jump from one disappointment, one discomfort to the next, maybe delude themselves into being happy, or oblivious, inbetween....but the disappointment and suffering, that's ultimate. ....okay i onlysay that because that's the state i'm in now. what a shame to admit that. truth is, i don't know what life is, and i'll never have the definitive view, and all of Life changes as my emotions come and go. is it sad, tragic, dull, happy, meaningful? God knows. i know. i do, it's always what it is to me, now. duh.

@UnbornTao would i make money with that kind of blog? can i make YT videos without showing my face in them? or maybe in that case it's easier to start with instagram + a blog, if i want to avoid showing my face?

i experienced more stress and, as a result, ed-symptoms today. i'm sick of this and need to get my life sorted enough to settle in some place soon and find some support to deal with these issuss. i don't like how they've been getting out of hand and i can tell the stress and everything is a bit too much for me to handle on my own, even though i'm trying very hard.

is it just me or does that sound not all too appetizing lol? you do you though;)

if it's just the plain legumes you want, you can also buy these in glass jars. Alnatura's good for that:) alternatively, you can cook larger batches of legumes and freeze them in portion sizes. with the canned soups etc. i think it's okay to have them every once in a while. i can't speak on potential contaminations from the cans, but as long as you focus on switching things up and eating lots of variety throughout the week, i assume you should be fine.

i thought i could shake it, but at this point i'm having doubts. i'm stressed. i'm worried. about my future and what should be next in terms of education/university/other formal training. this is important, it'll decide the trajectory of my life, it'll decide if 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, i'll be happy or not. i feel so tense, so uncomfortable; nauseous, almost. i can't fix this, can't solve this, i don't know what to do, how to make things okay. ugh.

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

On Stress and Relaxation i'm trying to put this into words, mostly for myself, so that i can remember this as i am trying to implement it. it makes me emotional to realise, and to let myself feel, that while i am constantly figuring things out - and this might never stop - at the same time, i'm still allowed to feel already whole, already at home. even though i don't know what's next, even though i don't know what i'm doing, or where i am going. i can see that a lot of the stress and pressure i tend to feel gets worse when the discomfort is combined with this message that whatever is prevents me from being (with myself), prevents me from feeling. so i'll remind myself now that no matter what, i am here, i'll be here, and i'll stay with me. maybe that helps. and apparently - this is helpful to remind myself of, too - i'll keep on hovering between states of relaxation, "being there", and "not being there yet" ....i can surf those waves, and know that both states, in all likelihood, will keep taking turns. it's probably the only way to embrace this for now. ugh.

you can try to surround yourself with more spiritual people, participate in mindfulness events and yoga or meditation retreats, etc. even if this merely expands your circle of friends, by meeting said friends' friends your odds of finding someone who's aligned with your values increases. worst case is if you don't find a partner, you still did the thing (e.g. meditation) that aligns with your values.

made my way to the gym again and i was happy while driving there and listening to a podcast. but then the noise was just waaaay too overstimulating and made it tough to enjoy my workout. different kinds of sounds got all muddled together: the music was too loud, people started conversing loudly near me, and my own headphones couldn't really cover it up. ... caused me a lot of discomfort, especially when i'm vulnerable dealing with my own physical sensations while exercising.

this is a little off topic, but i've had a few panic attacks inside my nighttime dreams. it's weird because the physical body isn't reacting as strongly, but somehow my mind still knew that i was having a panic attack. maybes that's a similar phenomenon? as in, a similar non-physical energetic layer is affected. there might also be some links to a person's predisposition to experiencing sleep paralysis or the onset of OBEs while in the lighter phases of sleep.

Saturday i finally made my way to the gym today. again, making my way there through the traffic - finding and being at the unknown location - was the harder part, so was the music, which was way too loud. but overall, i had a nice time. i wonder if it's okay to train twice on the weekend, and then have a 5-day work break. idk, guess i'll have to make it work for the next few weeks. looked at myself in the mirror after taking a shower and didn't like what i saw, i don't feel like i look like me... gotta make some changes. on my way back, i stopped at the central station because there's an Asian store and i bought some sweet potatoes - some varieties i'd never tried before, because at the supermarkets here they only sell the orange ones. now i roasted a yellow Japanese sweet potato in the oven and it was pretty good. better than the orange ones because it doesn't have that odd aftertaste. i had it with some cauliflower and avocado. before lunch, i experienced a lot of agitation again - could go into detail and describe that, but i think that's too much for now. (which is usually part of the agitation - the need to capture that state and explain it.) i've also been reflecting a lot on what's next - where i'll live, what i'll do for work - and as much as this is a stressful phase atm, i think i've got a rough idea by now? i'm trying to trust that it'll be alright.

okay, i can officially admit it and say now: i miss it. the town where i spent the first five years of my adulthood. it was pretty damn cute, after all. by now, the nostalgia has fully kicked in. ... the safety of my flat, the familiar streets, the whole set-up of the city, the green space,... my best friends, the whole vibe, the routines, the experience. the countless walks, even the isolation, the meltdowns, the comfort of my tiny room. my shower, my bed, my desk, my tiny kitchen... i also know i had to get away to feel this, because when i was there, it felt heavy and not right, most of the time -- sometimes it didn't, sometimes there was Hope, and Absolute Beauty --- - but now i can look back and say that it was, indeed, home. - aaaah, sad. okay. sad, and sweet, too. part of me thinks that the existence of this emotion should cause me to panic. the other part thinks it's only natural, the thing with the grass and the hill, the thing with needing to progress in life. it's just sad that things only ever look good retrospectively - never "now". i've got to work on that. guess i also feel regret for not having enjoyed it more, and i can't enjoy things now, because they're not right and still so messy and chaotic. they were back then, too. so, so much - and i STILL feel the sweetness of it now. so i might as well process the whole regret and take it with me moving forward, the wisdom that i can enjoy the good, despite the bad, despite the uncertainty, the mess, the chaos. it's rough, but i'm trying. what else can i do, really. still so much emotion. ugh.

took me a while to figure this out, but i have just realised that stress levels are especially hard to manage when they stay high even after the trigger (work, family, noise, etc.) has been removed. i recognise how certain situations put me under increased stress, so it's easy to tell myself that things will be better as soon as i get home and have some me-time, alone, on my own, without obligations. which is generally true, but then it's even more dysregulating when i find that i am finally on my own and still, i can't quite seem to cool down, can't switch gears. even when i am left alone, i'm not okay and i can't manage my own system (emotions, bodily sensations) that well.

Day 5 the first few hours of the workday were better again, and maybe i didn't do my boss justice by saying i don't like him.... but nope, still don't like him, at least not as a boss, because he sucks at communicating what he wants me to do. so naturally, at some point i started counting down the minutes again. at least i'm halfway done with this place now....i wonder if i can still fake it well enough, or if everybody has figured out by now that i'm not that happy with the work environment. for one, because it's hard to connect to my boss's vision for the exposition he's trying to set up. and also because i don't think it's important, meaningful, or serious enough. i don't even mind tedious work. i do mind work where it's not clear what i'm expected to do, and it looks like my boss doesn't check tasks for clarity before handing them to me....and also isn't really answering my follow-up questions that well. apparently, not meaningful enough isn't good either, because it feels dull and boring and pointless. it doesn't draw me in enough to commit to the job and try my absolute best. anyway, this afternoon i'll try my best to relax and do better than yesterday. read my book. then on the weekend, i'll finally be able to go to the gym.

... i did all the wrong things again to deal with my stress levels. would appreciate some therapeutic support at this point, but it's hard to find. a common argument is they reject me because i'm too sick, so i need more therapy, but that's how i miss out on even the smallest amount of therapy and end up having none.