Judy2

i thought about it recently, that i wouldn't want a life where i couldn't feel sadness, anger, fear. i want to feel all those things, of course...but then when i do, it's usually too much, too heavy, in a way.

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i have been made fun of when i mentioned this "problem" to a friend, because it seems so shallow and i'm so privileged so i should just shut up, but this is much more existential to me than it may seem. by everyday annoyances, i mean some of the following: not having enough space for my laundry to dry, so i had to awkwardly distribute clothes all over my room i wanted to start an embroidery project today, but the lines were too faint on the fabric, so i had to stop (after things got a bit messy and i had to go back and un-do some stitches). my brother had promised to draw the outlines on the fabric last weekend (i can't draw), so it had felt as though i had found a solution for a moment, but then he didn't do it and so i'm still stuck with the same issue, and even more frustrated than before. i had to get orthopaedic insoles that i had to pay for and it took two appointments to order and fit them - and now it seems like they hurt my feet when i walk on them. if i exercise without these, my shins hurt, but apparently the one solution for shin splints also makes my feet hurt in different ways. any technical or computer related issues any tax related issues lol - filling in documents writing applications for internships, looking forward to them, then being told they won't take me, etc. sensory issues (clothes not fitting right, noise, ...) ***these are just examples. my question isn't about specific problems and solutions, but the structural fact that these keep coming up and how this affects my emotions and outlook on life in general. now, individually these seem like something small you should just accept. but i feel as though either it's my tolerance for these things that is really low, or i haven't figured out how to make sense of things "not going as smoothly as they should". when too many of these add up, my body becomes tense and i feel like everything inside me is cramping... and it's just such an uncomfortable feeling (frustration, annoyance) which keeps coming up, hence why i thought i would ask about it here. ... it's especially challenging when i try quite hard to figure stuff out and just do better now, and then nothing works as it should. it still seems as though the universe is against me, no matter how hard i try to do good and be good and take care of myself or whatever.

@Olaf ok, thanks:) good luck to you, too:)

so maybe the problem is i know exactly that life tends to be like this, so my motivation to participate in it is low, and then when i'm unwell due to my lack of motivation, i know i have to get up and motivate myself...but then there's life again and i remember that it's mean. or even when i want to believe life is good, and i want to to the chores and feel good doing my laundry and whatnot, and relax doing my embroidery...and then it physically doesn't work, because some sort of invisible force gets in the way. it always does....why???

yeah, maybe:)

i have mentioned before that i tend to hover between either feeling stressed or bored, sometimes a little depressed. and then once i finally get up to motivate myself to do things and i have some things planned that i may tackle throughout the day (errands, paperwork, embroidery,...), that's always when not just one thing doesn't work out, but it's always a number of things not going smoothly. [maybe my expectations are too high, though, and i always place so much pressure on myself to "figure it out and do better and live by a better schedule once and for all".] i suppose it would depend on my emotional state, too. if i'm in a good mood, there is a little more tolerance and i would tell myself "ah, see, but this usually works out and then it's all good again", vs in a bad mood "i always fall back to this, and then it's 20 annoyances in one day, and they can never be resolved easily". the problem with emotions is that they always change, so i couldn't even say which view is more true than the other....they keep taking turns being true and false, i guess.

i had my iron infusion today, so now i can say that i have been properly infused with iron... i'll have to see what i can do to stop this from needing to happen again. the needle was quite scary. i hate needles.... there's no way i'm ever gonna become a heroin addict or anything like that in this lifetime, i think, because it's so freaky when they pierce into the vein...yikes. the nurse thought it was funny that i am so squeamish and sensitive, and it made me think that i used to be much more scared in general, but apparently there's still some authentic fearfulness left to my personality. in fact, i pondered, i cover pretty much all the basics when it comes to fears: i've got moderate levels of claustrophobia, fear of heights, darkness, exams and presentations, spiders, moths and other insects, drowning. my fear of drowning is funny because i still like to dive/swim underwater for long distances until i have to come up to catch my breath...but i still have all these movie scenes in mind where people go scuba diving in a cave, get stuck and drown.. so that's the scenario i'm scared of, though it's quite unlikely this will ever happen to me. i don't swim in lakes, either, because i'm scared a fish could eat me. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_phobias

you made it sound like you're like 80 lol. why not make this a "for now" decision, rather than a "forever" decision?

i was as pathetic as to go through some old photo albums, while i was still at the house - and i found one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen: my mum holding my brother in her arms, when he was still a toddler, and they were both smiling so wide. i hadn't been born yet when the picture was taken, and it's funny to see that version of my mum, and even funnier to think that there was a version of my brother that i've never met in person, even though he's been there all my life... anyway, most beautiful picture on this planet, as of now. can't wait to have one of me holding my own child.

i've been dreaming for four nights in a row that i'm still in high school and i'll have to take my A-levels all over again. jesus, lol. my theory is that this isn't just mental pressure, though? sometimes you still feel your body in bed while dreaming and if it's uncomfortable during sleep, the brain tends to weave that into your dreams. happens a lot for me, anyway.

i correct my statement...this isn't just sad, it's extremely sad. to be staying at a house that two people who loved each other have made a home and lived in until they died. i wanna take EVERYTHING and take it home with me, or else it'll all go to waste. i want my grandma to know that i care about her belongings, and i see the love attached to them. her little spoons and trays and picture frames, the sun magnet in the kitchen,... maybe it's a bit shallow that this is all tied to objects now. i have little to remember them both by, anyway...except this house, which i seem to know inside out, now that i'm here again. or maybe i'm just sad for my childhood, at this point, more than i am for the loss of my grandparents - i've made peace with that a long time ago.

i'm at my late grandparents' house now, and it is much sadder than expected. it's such a lovely home, with so many details, so much love put into it. in a lovely town, too. and we'll just have to tear it all down (only metaphorically speaking, in this case) and abandon it. guess i'm also exhausted from the train ride, which was much longer than planned because someone committed suicide on the tracks, so we had to re-route. i had planned to leave again tomorrow, but i think i'll stay for two nights, maybe go shopping and walk around town tomorrow, visit the graveyard.... and appreciate this place one last time? the funny thing is, i was expecting zero emotionality, but now it sort of hit me. i guess i didn't even remember all the things i could miss here, and now i immersed myself right in them - to stir it all up and miss it even more after that, i guess? it's been ages since the last time i was here. i was like 16, and that was just for one day, we didn't even stay the night. it does feel sad, to stay here, now....knowing it'll all be gone right after.

sounds good:)

okay, i get that i hope future generations figure out how to resolve this issue. it affects a lot of people, from what i have heard.

this afternoon, my mum and brother came by and picked me up to drive to grandma's. the car ride felt surprisingly positive, almost like those times all those years back when my brother and i were still kids and mum drove us on the same route to get to her parents' house for the summer holidays. we chatted and joked, and these moments of connection felt good. once we arrived - a few hours later than planned - i got to work in the kitchen straight away to prepare a late brithday cake for my mum. a Charlotte Royale. very stressful, but i guess i wanted a challenge:) tomorrow, i'll have to work for a little bit, finish the cake, and then i can relax for the rest of the weekend.

is she happy with her job, overall? does it seem meaningful to her despite the stress?

i'm friends with a few doctors and they are all completely overworked - even when pregnant. some of them become ill because of their night shifts or are close to burnout. therefore, i think a key aspect of reforming the health system should entail prioritising the health of the nurses and doctors that the system itself is comprised of...otherwise, it's just completely backwards, to keep a "health care system" running at the expense of people's health. another aspect should be making more time for proper doctor-patient-interactions. most doctors enter the profession with a great deal of idealism and they would like to make more time, it's just that the system makes it really hard for them to do so. i spoke with an orthopedist a few days ago and he seemed quite competent, but he was in the room with me for about 3 minutes and had to run off before he could properly explain to me what's wrong with my legs. i do believe that 3 minutes were enough for him to form an impression, but it was not enough to explain to me what was going on, and he was in such a rush that he wrote down an incorrect diagnosis on my letter (something to do with the shoulders, rather than the legs). there were four rooms and i think he had to rush through them in 4-minute-intervals all day.

i feel sad and heavy. i am worried - overthinking too much... cause i'm unhappy and i want to know how to solve it. kind of depressing to see how much i can try to solve it, and nothing good ever comes of it. not in the long run, anyway. in the long run, i always fall back to "what the hell am i even doing here".

maybe bored is the wrong word. i've been having pms and feeling down for days. don't quite know whether to force myself to get up and do something, or allow myself to take things slow. either way, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. i feel so low, and nothing i try seems to change that, for now. my head spins some weird stories and occasionally interjects "i don't want to live any more", even though i know i don't mean it.

the pathways are getting more and more familiar to your brain/mind. once you have found them, it's a whole lot easier to find them again and again, retracing and deepening them.

i feel very empty, and bored.

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies. Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat. What dread hand? & what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what dread grasp. Dare its deadly terrors clasp? When the stars threw down their spears And water'd heaven with their tears: Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee? Tyger Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night: What immortal hand or eye, Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

sometime in December, when i was little, grandma was staying with my parents, my brother and i. one afternoon, she dragged me to the train station. i was so young, i didn't even get the objective and thought it was just a walk. then i saw a man with a cap, pointed at him and told my grandma "look! that man looks just like grandpa!" and she yelled with joy, "yes, that's him!".

still feeling bored, so i started rewatching Downton Abbey. it's messing with my head a little and has me wanting to speak in a posh accent even more than usual. good heavens. i also pulled out my late grandma's iron and ironing board to iron some clothes and a piece of fabric i would like to embroider on. i hope she is looking down on me to see that her possessions are still appreciated even after she is gone....and i think of her, and how these used to be some of the objects her daily life centred around. at first, it felt a bit vulgar to ask my parents to bring me these objects from the house, but now i feel that this is a legitimate way of honouring Hannelore. i feel more connected to her now than i had felt during those fifteen years when she was still alive, but comatose.