Judy2

i think it's not okay when men on here call women sluts and mean it. but maybe i only say that it's not okay because i fail to empathise with the male perspective, or whatever. i get that you like your girls virtuous and "pure", but perhaps we could empathise with the reasons for why some women end up behaving the way they behave before declaring them to be lost causes or universally unlovable. i had a similar feeling when i saw Leo repeatedly use the expression "shame on..." in his recent posts. maybe if i was more loving and conscious, i wouldn't even feel the need to point this out. however where i'm at i feel that my frustration should be expressed somehow. it is a valid reaction and i am sharing it from a place of positive vulnerability. i am not demanding change or anything of that sort, but am merely acknowledging "what is". but then i can't deny that it's also valid to think and feel that some women are sluts, i guess. it isn't that different from me being unable to stop calling myself ugly and evil. so the point is, it's all okay, it's okay that everybody's at where they're at, and right now i feel frustration?

sometimes it's only when i'm calm that i start to realise how exhausted and tired i am and then i don't know where it's coming from, but i can't help thinking wouldn't it be best if i left? wouldn't that be beautiful? maybe someone would cry for me. and that's selfish, but i still get this thought from time to time. i just thought i'd express this somehow. god i'm such a mess.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CYl1YBSAdxP/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

it's horrible when i start talking now, or when i start sobbing. i used to like the idea, but now i hate it. it feels like i'm just gonna ruin it all with all the ugliness i have inside of me. "keep your loving arms and words off of me i don't want them."

@Something Funny yeah, thanks. i'll figure it out somehow. it's just annoying when things aren't working the way they're supposed to work. i always have bad luck with my tablets and printers and everything.

@Something Funny it's a microsoft tablet and the keyboard can be attached to it at the bottom. i'll see if a friend can come over and fix it for me...

@Something Funny my tablet doesn't have a usb port...

..... i feel a little helpless because even though i was so lucky as to get my books back, my keyboard isn't working now (again). i have no idea how to fix this and the deadline is on friday. so right now i know i should be productive, but i can't do anything other than to pray for a miracle. i guess. and ask people for help. but i owe everyone a lot at this point and it makes me uncomfortable.

i said that i'd mostly keep my gratitude practice to myself, but right now i feel inspired to leave this here. i love my friends. i love how genuinely caring they are and that i also get to see how i genuinely care about them♡ sometimes they require me to put my personal troubles aside just so that i can be there to see and love them. and i guess in a way it surprises me that i am even capable of this. * - M was so kind as to pick up two books from the library for me (that i had to hide in there earlier today cause the nice lady at the reception wouldn't let me borrow them again right after returning them lol.) and i really do appreciate the favour. - i love how every time i see a child or a toddler, i smile, softly. also, i'm very grateful that in the past few days my body and self image has (occasionally) been more positive. there are a number of factors contributing to this, one of which is probably the simple fact that i switched my huge winter coat for a lighter jacket, such that my whole look feels more defined again. i love my hair. the 2 plaits are back and they feel very cute to me. feels like a right and cute 'me' that i can be, effortlessly so. and i also love wearing my hair down.

thank you:) i saw your post the other day where you suggested we can take a little note book and design it in a way that represents ourselves and serves as a positive reminder. i thought it was a lovely idea. i know:) i hope you two have a great day!

i feel agitated. also, we all know what to do when we have a paper deadine in five days.... deep clean the shower.

perhaps i have been contemplating a little too deeply in the past few days. my ego doesn't like that. (sometimes i wish i had like 20 iq points less, it seems to me like my life would be a whole lot easier in many regards.) at the same time, i literally can't help myself. right now i see again that i am kind of really cute and sweet and innocent. so i thought i should at least acknowledge that somehow. i'm always scared to love (myself) cause it might hurt too bad. so let's not call this love for now. and i can keep being scared if it helps.

sleep & dreams 2 it's actually "sleep & dreams 4" but i deleted the other entries cause it got a little too deep. we'll go with something easy and innocent for now. first of all, i just wanted to note that whenever i write about my dreams in the morning, i find that the order in which i remember my dreams is reversed. there may be some key elements from the middle of the dream that i write down in the beginning, but then my notes are basically in the wrong order, with the last dream before waking up coming first, and the earlier ones coming after that. i guess it is actually normal for our memory to function that way, but thought it was curious enough to mention it. also, a quick note that another recurring theme for me is obviously school/uni. the focus can be on the need to get something done, whether it's writing a paper or studying for an exam. or it can be related to the people i know from school (both teachers/professors and students). (...) i hadn't thought about it before, but i noticed that veganism is a recurring dream theme for me as well. i've been vegan for almost 5 years now and most of the time it's very normal to me, i don't have to think about it at all. in my dreams it seems to be a different story though. oftentimes i'd find myself around other people and vegan options might be unavailable (or my grandma will add butter to an otherwise vegan dish or whatever). a few days ago i saw a restaurant offer seafood in one of my dreams and found it very triggering. maybe because seafood can look a little creepy and it also reminded me of how lobsters are boiled while still alive. so i suppose the way my subconscious understands it, there is still a very strong moralistic undertone to my choice of living a vegan lifestyle. i briefly considered that it might be healthy for me to drop veganism for some time, but honestly i don't see the benefit. i don't see how i'd willingly put dead meat in my mouth and, knowing how brutal the entire industry is, i wouldn't want to consume dairy or eggs either (unless they're from backyard chickens, i guess?). .... okay now this sounds like i'm only repeating to myself that there's a strong moralistic undertone. at least that's only for myself - i never talk to anyone about veganism unless they invite me to. besides, it's probably alright to have my personal convictions about the topic. i've spent a lot of time learning about why this is the right choice for me personally, and there's not much harm in that.

i can't sleep and figured that this excerpt would keep me distracted for some time. while reading it out loud, i feel pretty calm and peaceful. i don't feel too intensely about anything....and yet, my voice and my whole body feel powerful and strong, emotive. i am not too deeply involved, and yet i know how powerful these words are, how deep they can go. who am i when i read these lines? ...there's something impressionistic that adds up to this "state" as a whole. the state i'm in while i perform my reading. in a way it feels good and beautiful...it's a Light. but then i can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with that version of me. i'm still scared and hesitant. keeping my lights dimmed feels so much safer.

why do i keep forgetting that i am beautiful?

i found this outside of my professor's office and couldn't help myself. corset unlaced and bring Romanticism back are probably my favourites.

i'm kind of angry at "God" for always putting me in these moral dilemmas. why do i always have to choose why can't i get more bruises, more pain, more blood, more highs, more nightmares and panic attacks and self-hate. i crave it very badly. i want more, and more, and more. why would i have to LOSE, let go of all of that to become the loving, intelligent person that i know i am supposed to be. God i'm so emotional. i hate it. why does all of this have to be so hard?

the number one reason why i am anxious is because i want to. like, the thought of not being anxious in a situation when really i should be anxious makes me anxious. so most of my stress stems from my being unsure about whether things are right or good enough for me to be relaxed and at ease with myself, or whether i should in fact feel stressed. which is why i tend to assume that everything's all bad and feel anxious. in a very twisted way it makes me feel safe, perhaps even powerful. so i'm not gonna give that up so easily...in fact the idea of giving it up makes me....you guessed it: anxious. i wish i was a little less smart and a little less self-aware. cause i do know that this has to come to an end sooner or later. and i wish all of this didn't make me feel so emotional.

every time i remember that i'm only this 'hateful', this scared and anxious CAUSE I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT BEING GOOD i have to cry cause it's kind of sweet

every time i think of possible outside perspectives on and judgements of this journal, i get really anxious. there's always a possibility to frame the limited amount of text that i share in a negative way. but i guess no one really cares. besides, if people don't like what i have to say, they can simply stop reading my journal. i'm aware of the constant negativity i perpetuate, and that's kind of a shame because i might have other, more positive and empowering perspectives to share. (but then every time i share a positive perspective i get scared that i might come across as too arrogant.) at the same time, remaining completely silent about my struggles wouldn't seem right either. i can be a bit of a drama queen, and as overly dramatic as it might seem, the drama feels very true and real to me. which is completely fine and, if i think about it, quite beautiful. it helps to have an emotional outlet, even if no one else "gets it".

on friday i was having a major meltdown over course registration and how to manage my final semester(s) and thesis...but now it looks like things might actually work out quite neatly. good! for my missing credits i can choose some fun, easy classes. like Spanish A1 or sign language. i'd be really excited to learn sign language, so fingers crossed that i'll be accepted for this class:) by the way, last night i figured that it would probably be helpful to start a gratitude practice again. just wanted to note this down, although i don't plan on sharing my lists in this journal (too much spam, i suppose).