Judy2

@Lila9

@Lila9 haha same:) i was wondering if she represents a part of myself, but i wouldn't know which part.

@Lila9 i'm sorry that you had a similar experience in that regard. can i ask if you frequently dream of your mum?

@Lila9 thank you:) i really appreciate it.

i might delete this later (as usual, i guess) but briefly wanted to comment on one of the things i said here. "i feel like i am starving, on an emotional level" interestingly enough, about a week ago my mum texted me in the early morning hours to ask if everything was okay. she said she'd had a nightmare of me starving to death. what she thought she was referring to then was the fact that i could have starved to death three years ago....only that i didn't. her comment made me angry, because it just confirmed to me again that she only cares when i am physically, visibly ill. i never made myself ill for that reason, but now that i no longer have a fragile, ill body that could speak for me....i feel sad, disappointed, angry, left alone. i guess the worst part about being anorexic was that it worked. shouldn't she, of all people, know that this is much more about an emotional struggle? how couldn't she understand that the real thing she should have been concerned about all along was my mind, my heart, my emotions....the things that made me do these things to myself, the things that made me treat my body so poorly? shouldn't she see that i'm still not fine today? ....ouch.

comme toi, je me demande parfois si l'amour n'est qu'un triste rêve est-ce l'odeur ou le grain de la voix qui font que nos battements s'élèvent? quands les corps s'enlacent, les cœurs s'embrassent, la vie s'enflamme et tout repart, oui mais nos sentiments sont comme ces nuages qui s'habillent de peur ou d'espoir, tu sais tant de questions s'en viennent et le temps me rapelle qu'il est urgent, ma belle, de nous aimer à l'intérieur, l'Éden, un jardin pour soi-même un cri du cœur qui cherche à s'exprimer moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors à l'air libre, au doux son des accords qu'importe les joies, les peines aimer où le vent me mène moi, je veux aimer toutes voiles dehors en mon cœur comme des envies d'encore rire au nez des chrysanthèmes aimer où le vent me mène

i briefly wanted to share some of the things i have felt grateful for in the past few days or so:) ▪ i asked my friend/neighbour if she could help me deal with a problem i have in my apartment that i cannot seem to fix on my own. she said yes of course, and i was just really relieved to see that someone is there to support me when i need it. ▪ last week i went swimming at the sports centre on campus for the first time. i couldn't have done this last year, and i certainly couldn't have done it the year before. apart from the hilarious fact that at 21 years old, i am still scared there might be a shark or snakes or jellyfish or a squid in the pool, it feels nice to move my body in the water. just the fact that i am free to do this now is worth quite a lot. 2 years ago i couldn't even leave my apartment at certain times of the day and only wore long sleeves in the summer. now i can wear shorts and t-shirts and dresses again. i remember how i had to work my way through all of that last summer, and i am glad that by now, on most days i do not have to worry all too much about this. even though i'm not super comfortable either, on average i no longer feel i have to hide my body as much. ▪ i do have moments when i think i look cute. ▪ the other night i wrote an email to ask my teacher for an extension of a deadline because i wasn't doing well. he was really understanding and when i read his reply, i felt so grateful and relieved that he could sympathise with my situation. it really does make a huge difference.

i am unexpectedly anxious today. just leaving this here to ground myself somehow. i guess i simply had a lot going on at uni and i feel stressed and agitated and unsafe....even though practically everything's fine. i feel like i need some time to ground myself, to breathe and reflect. things have been going a little too fast and i didn't get the chance to catch up, take notes, meditate, etc.

i feel quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself right now. in some classes at uni i am particularly anxious and practically unable to pronounce proper grammatical sentences...and everyone who sits behind me gets to see how i compulsively save my word documents like, idk, 50 times an hour?

i had a few good days last week, but now i feel how sadness and pain are dragging me down again it's sad to see how they will never quite go away, how there's always something that seems deeply tragic maybe this has been so deeply engrained into my being that by now, i wouldn't even know how to live without it and it's somehow my fault, that deep down i still believe tragedy is the superior form of Love there's more to Life than tragedy, of course...but it's a part of it. and i feel so overwhelmed when trying to navigate this. i'm trying to allow good things to happen these days, but this. can be so. incredibly. overwhelming... i wish i could feel more at peace somehow more at ease with myself and the world

lol i don't know why i like this song, but it's kind of fun to listen to. it has this sarcastic undertone again, yet at the same time it empathises with some perspectives you might consider to be "unconscious", reactive, selfish or close-minded - to the extent that they are actually seen as a valid stage to be at. perhaps the song also speaks to the part of me that kind of feels like a conscious dose of toxicity and "unconsciousness" can be quite sexy. please don't quote me on this though:)

i just want to know that everything will be okay

...okay i'm still stressed. it would be nice to simply Be, without needing to overthink everything, or think about previous thoughts... it would be nice to Relax, without needing to worry or "understand" everything....- there's room for that sometimes, but when i am done i should be able to let my thoughts and perspectives go, and let things be simple.

haha true sometimes i wonder if it's narcissistic to have an entire journal just to talk about ME. although i guess in a way that's the nature of a journal? things can get so confusing in my head sometimes lol.

@Something Funny i'm being very honest and real when i express myself here. but within that i am being too shy about expressing the good things while overemphasising all of the pain and negativity that i feel. there's nothing wrong with it per se and perhaps it has been necessary for me to express these things here. in fact i thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's generally important to see such intensely painful perspectives as valid, even (and especially) if they may seem exaggerated, "unrealistic" or overly dramatic from the outside. at the same time, i understand that this is perhaps not all too enjoyable to read for everybody else. and personally i would probably also enjoy sharing some of my more inspiring, loving perspectives:) thank you for saying that though. @Sine i'm glad you like it <3 and it's good to hear from you again:)

...really, i should get a warning point for every thread or post that i hide...most recently because i became paranoid that there might be one typo, just one, even though there actually wasn't. i'm generally quite anxious about the impression i leave here. by now i probably look quite dumb and immature. technically speaking i wouldn't say i'm unintelligent, but my insecurities keep getting in the way. also, it's true that i could turn this journal into something more beautiful and inspiring than the collection of my most depressive thoughts that it currently is. it's not like i haven't thought of this before, but it is difficult to put into practice because again, i'm just really really insecure about myself. anyway, i simply wanted to clarify that i am aware of this and i'm working on it, even if it may take some time.

okay i thought i'd share something a little different today:) Cœur de Pirate is probably my favourite French artist. i love the more sentimental songs like "Oublie-moi", "Drapeau blanc" and "Prémonition", and i've already shared "Combustible" here. "Tu peux crever là-bas" isn't sentimental at all and is more on the sarcastic side... i like listening to this (or singing along) when i need a little bit of comic relief, and it can put me in a positive, empowered mood.

i'm still struggling with loneliness. even though i'm friends with some people, it's like no one is there in the moments when it would count. i'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to resolve this issue. and right now i feel sad, frustrated and a little desperate.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2KReCz1L5XkGIBhDncQ5VZ?si=_xune4qYSTmiEz96isMJPA

i've mostly been doing okay for the past few days, but today i find that i'm a little sad and emotional again. also, this is unrelated but every time i come across this channel again and watch a few videos, it makes me cry. maybe because you can really tell how much loving effort she puts into taking care of children who come from otherwise really toxic, dysfunctional homes. https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting

i'm currently at my grandma's and as usual, the house, garden and the fields and woods surrounding the village are sublime. the other day i went for a long walk and, strolling through the fields, i saw a fox:) in the middle of the afternoon. in the past few weeks i have certainly had my ups and downs. about two weeks ago i had a phase when i was looking back and felt painfully aware of the chronic issues i have been dealing with for the better half of my life; loneliness and the feeling of not belonging anywhere (or with anyone) being at the top of the list. i felt really desperate for a few days - although a part of me might have known that i was feeling so desperate precisely because things might be going uphill soon? and that's a crazy thing to say, especially since i'm still scared and hesitant. "i can't just go on and be happy and healthy now; not now, not yet...that's just way too easy..." in the past two weeks there have also been a few tough moments with someone i care about a lot. essentially i cried until my eyes started to hurt on Tuesday night, but after that hardly any of the sadness was left. what remains now is a lot of sweetness every time i think of the moments we shared. from time to time i'm still sad or in pain, but i guess it will be alright. in the past few days, i have also had a few insights on my "anxious attachment style", if that's how you call it. it's not like i haven't thought about this before, but understanding that "the good and the bad" aren't really the problem definitely helps me put things into perspective. - the real problem is my clingy, anxious way of relating to these concepts...and as a result also to my own thoughts and emotions (which is where it gets really problematic). one of the ways in which this manifests is my obsessive-compulsive approach to my journalling practice (i'm mostly referring to my private journal here). i love journalling, i love expressing myself through language and it can be helpful to process certain emotions - but constantly needing to update, correct and reformulate my handwritten notes also creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. this is definitely something i need to tackle, although i'm not quite sure how.

i tend to feel like i am obligated to categorise, analyse and interpret everything. this has certainly helped me develop a sophisticated view on life in general... but i wonder if i am really "obligated" to do so, and it would be a relief to find out that this is not the case. that i'm allowed to be, with a lot of contradictory thoughts inside my head, with emotions that keep shifting...with Being that flows in ways that are beyond what the mind can conceive of. which is why i am beginning to value silence a lot more.

there is no need to explain the context or anything but right now i'm feeling really emotional and sad. i feel Love and a lot of sadness i've cried a lot today and i'll be alright, we'll all be alright, everything will be alright. but i'm also really sad and wish things could be simple and easy for once.