Judy2

....and i found another one. thanks for making me look @at_anchor

i can feel myself getting sentimental....hate it. perhaps it's just all too much - time and change, the good and the bad, and the good despite the good and the bad. i know i will probably move to another city soon, but then sometimes i notice that despite my general lack of roots here, there are still good things, good people, that i'll have to leave behind. this morning i was at the library with my friend Sara. on our way back i couldn't help but think that she's been a good friend and neighbour to me, and i've tried to be a good friend to her, too. we supported each other mutually while going through a number of our very own, unique, challenging life situations. makes me cry... i think Life is just too huge for me. too complex. it's beautiful, but also quite brutal. ....and then i notice how i'm getting lost thinking too much about how i feel and what's going on, such that i can barely focus on anything else. why can't i just feel joy and appreciation for what is, rather than thinking all the time about the things that are wrong, or about how i'll inevitably have to leave things behind sooner or later?

okay i have to add another point. i HATED the Billie Eilish song they played at the end of the film. it's really quite horrible. horribly sad and deep. i find it hard to see how everything seems to be so intermingled nowadays. like it's a comedy and it's fun, but at the same time they're addressing the deepest existential troubles and emotions of despair, confusion and sadness. it's kind of twice as bad when we all know it's a film made for kids, but then as an adult it feels so heavy and the song is everything but a happy ending. i hate that as an adult, there's this whole new layer revealed, where everything light and sweet comes with a side of heaviness, and you can't separate the two. and that's exactly what the song is about, which makes it so much more horrible. the Universe really is mocking me. (or maybe i'm just really good at overinterpreting....or maybe both...) so somehow it is required of me to hold space for both, to be happy and sad, "cause that's what adults have to do". would be so much easier if i could just decide on one and stick with it. but everything seems so complicated when there's both, when there's so much. i don't feel resilient enough to navigate all of this. i don't feel resilient. ....speaking of which, another video i have been wanting to share here. might be a little awkward cause it is so out of context, but this is from a show that was recommended to me and it's basically the same thing: a comedy that gets so sad, even though it's never really explicitly sad, but it's still impossible to miss it. i was sobbing pretty hard throughout this scene... ~ sometimes i notice that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing...

i really haven't been doing great today and spent most of the time just feeling bad about myself. then later a friend and i went to see the new Barbie film. it was actually quite nice and i mean it's trying at least a tiny bit to be construct-aware. i liked that they said there's an anxiety Barbie and an OCD Barbie....made us all feel very represented. and i also liked that the last line was "i'm here to see my gynecologist". when the film was over i left not knowing if i feel better or worse than before. maybe both. or maybe i do feel better for now, but my life is still full of problems. like the fact that my face isn't perfectly symmetrical.

it confuses me when i really do feel the way i feel, but then i am supposed to assume that i am just playing it up unnecessarily.

i normally don't, but in the past few days i have been feeling ashamed of myself for having all these mental problems, and for feeling the way i feel. maybe it's all my fault. it's just one more thing that's wrong with me and if i was wiser and more intelligent, i wouldn't be struggling as much. ...am i not allowed to feel hurt? it hurts all the more when people tell me to simply drop it, tell me to un-want and un-need love and support. i don't think that's how it works. if it did work that way, all of this would be resolved much quicker. i wouldn't have needed to let all the hurt eat me up and eat away at my body. i could have contained that hurt somehow, would have been able to tuck it away and hide it. but i couldn't do that, and now the only thing i'm ever told is that it's inappropriate for me to be so sad all the time. then the other side of this is that of course, in a way i like sitting in bed and sobbing until my face is soaked. when i'm healthy, will i just lose my ability to cry like that? i don't wanna lose that... i don't wanna stop feeling.

...well now i'm embarrassed. cause apparently i'm a little cringe.

@Salvijus lol:)

i would like to show some gratitude and appreciation for the positive things that have been happening lately. feels a bit weird but perhaps it's a good step:) .................................................... • i have a new neighbour and we already went on a walk together. he seems really nice and i imagine it's good for me to get to know some people. • i'm almost done with my final exams. and by final i mean FINAL - after that it's only term papers (which isn't necessarily better, but okay) and my thesis and i'll be done with my BA. • i appreciate that my living space is a little cleaner, tidier and more welcoming these days. • i have been selling and giving away some items that i no longer need. and i didn't do so as to "reject them"; instead i showed appreciation and hope that they will bring joy to other people who can make better use of them. • white tops and t-shirts suit me. which is super random but i like it every time. • the cover of my current (non-digital) journal is really beautiful, with different flowers on it but in a way that doesn't look silly, childish or cheap. • i love the song i linked above. • i will keep learning Portuguese, even though i no longer need the credits:) it's a beautiful language. also, i think my social anxiety during Portuguese class got at least a tiny bit better throughout the course of the semester. in the beginning i was just so overwhelmed. • i just remembered one moment a few weeks ago, when i folded my umbrella inside the building after our Portuguese lesson. then an exchange student from Italy was like "that's bad luck!", i was like "whatever i have bad luck already, this won't make any difference", and then that other girl called Clarissa told me that negative+negative =positive...something like that. and it's kind of stupid but i really appreciated that she cared enough to tell me that. for me it did make a difference, even though it's just words.

right now i feel lost, lonely and unsafe. and i feel like i need someone to take care of me, but there's no one there.

i am beautiful. and it's really annoying that i keep forgetting this.

i find that the original is a little too busy with all the stuff going on in the background, so here's a cover... ...and here's the original você é assim um sonho pra mim e quando eu não te vejo eu penso em você desde o amanhecer até quando eu me deito eu gosto de você eu gosto de ficar com você meu riso é tão feliz contigo o meu melhor amigo é o meu amor e a gente canta e a gente dança e a gente não se cansa de ser criança da gente brincar da nossa velha infância seus olhos, meu clarão me guiam dentro da escuridão seus pés me abrem o caminho eu sigo e nunca me sinto só você é assim um sonho pra mim quero te encher de beijos eu penso em você desde o amanhecer até quando eu me deito eu gosto de você eu gosto de ficar com você meu riso é tão feliz contigo o meu melhor amigo é o meu amor e a gente canta a gente dança a gente não se cansa de ser criança a gente brinca a nossa velha infância seus olhos meu clarão me guiam dentra da escuridão seus pés me abrem o caminho eu sigo e nunca me sinto só você é assim um sonho pra mim você é assim você é assim um sonho pra mim você é assim...

i know i'm a little nuts....sorry. ultimately i keep writing the same things over and over again, and every time i have something positive to say i make it very clear that i am still feeling conflicted about it. i'm aware of that and i do feel kind of guilty because of it. - maybe i shouldn't because apparently this is what's needed at the moment? i don't know. oh, also: the number of views that this journal has does intimidate me. it's probably just the same handful of people visiting this thread regularly - the question is, do i even feel connected to this particular audience? (i probably don't?) ... i don't even know why i'm still here but sometimes it's helpful.

i just wanna know that everything is okay and that it will all be okay. i could be so happy then & feel good about myself. but i'm not, and i don't. i'm constantly doubting, constantly scared that something bad will happen, constantly paranoid that all the good things will be taken away from me. i hate this, and i can't make it stop. why can't i just relax?

in the past few weeks i have become increasingly interested in interior design. my apartment is tiny and i guess at some point in the past i have grown to despise it. i sort of forgot that trying to make the best of the small space available to me was even an option and only thought about how desperately i want to move to a new place. well, recently i somehow became aware that i can simply declutter and re-organise my current living space. i've always been passionate about this so it's somewhat shocking that i just completely ignored my potential in this area....to aestheticise my life and make "lifestyle" a form of art and creative expression. now, this is more of an ongoing project given that i'm also very busy studying for exams and writing essays - although this may actually be beneficial since it gives me some time to reflect on the next steps i want to take when i get back to it. yesterday i cleaned and reorganised my bathroom... and now every time i walk in there i look at that transparent jar with cotton pads and i open my tiny drawer just to see how "neat and tidy" everything is. something about that pleases my senses aesthetically. i'm not a huge fan of useless items anyway, so for the most part i'm just trying to throw out some of the stuff i don't actually need, while putting the things i do use into sweet little boxes or arranging them in ways where a useful item suddenly seems artistic in of itself. i've never been a particularly artistically gifted person, i'm a horrible painter....but i do like keeping a household lol. and perhaps this element has been missing: to aestheticize my living space just generally makes me feel better about myself, because then it feels like the "normal" elements of my everyday life are somehow inherently beautiful. (whereas before, i was quite depressed, and everything - even my own apartment - seemed ugly). as usual, my mind is trying to turn this into a whole debate now, trying to figure out if this is good or bad or what it says about my character. *stress*. i do want to share this though, mostly to capture the feeling i have whenever i perceive this development in a positive light.

...i guess there's the expectation that i have to be successful or happy or things have to work out perfectly for me in life - or else my existence isn't even justified and i have no right to exist. which is kind of sad. i do want to be happy and i want my dreams to be fulfilled...but then i always turn them into this "thing", and i make my entire sense of self-worth dependent on it. the intelligent, wise part of me would wanna hold me now and appreciate my unconditional existence in this moment, and stroke my hair. but that's kind of horrible, too. that's the kind of Love i'm not really used to, and it feels so....idk, raw and sore, like an open wound? and why the hell would i wanna feel that?

i keep getting paranoid that all these horrible things are going to happen. and then i think that since i'm already thinking about them, it must be true then... and there's no end to these ocd/thought/fear-loops

it feels like time has been flying by in the past few years, and i'm getting nowhere. i'm still unhappy. in my mind i calculate how much effort it will take me to fight my way to a better place mentally. i thought i had my whole life before me, but now 30 seems strangely close and how can 9 short years be worth it, in any way? maybe i'll start to feel happy at 28ish, but then that was about 28 years of suffering and how was it worth it if i'll just die at 35? or i'll have a child, and after six years or so, they die? i swear that this would be such a typical move. i'm finally, FINALLY happy and committed to Life - and then i die or my child dies or whatever. so like....why even try to heal when i won't really get to see the benefits? everything feels so tragic and futile. like all the good things are lost before they have even begun. sometimes i can't help but dream of a better place, where everything is different, and all the things that tragically ended here are working out fabulously. idk i've been kind of emotional in the past few days. and i know my thoughts are weird.

so it turns out i have covid (again). i haven't been feeling super well in the past few days, and today i'm actually quite miserable. i just freaking love my teacher because even though i had to ask for a deadline to be extended for the second time, he's like "don't worry too much about the assignment - when you're ill, you're ill." which is such a basic thing to say, but i feel like it's so helpful to hear this.

i'm still very very busy and in some sense that's good... although it can also be a little too much at times. so far i have avoided bringing this up, but i really really hope that i will find a therapist soon. one who i feel comfortable and safe with... there's so much going on inside my head and i could really use some support. ultimately i just want to know that everything is okay, that's all.

i had a super long and exhausting weekend attending a seminar to prepare for a summer job. my social anxiety got triggered a lot. at some point (after giving a 40 second long 'presentation') i just sat in my chair, felt the tears on my cheeks and thought to myself "i am weak. i am vulnerable. i want to get out of here" while avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the room. writing it like this makes my eyes watery again now. turns out i got the job despite acting like a complete maniac...but right now i'm not exactly happy about it yet. i'm just exhausted and thinking to myself that it would be easier to have died this summer, or to stay at home and be depressed. what did i get myself into? why am i living now, despite the doubts and the fear? uh... this is hard. at least no one can say now that i'm not working on myself:(

i value the moments when i can rest and relax. they aren't there all the time...but when life is exhausting, i'm feeling chronic discomfort and i have a lot going on inside my head or at uni, i begin to understand that i just need some peace and relaxation to recharge. even if it's only for a few minutes...feeling comfortable in my mind and body - right here right now, without any "direct impact" or "constructive results" - is worth so so so much. it's comforting to know that i can consciously try to have a few of these moments every day, inbetween whatever the hell is going on in my life. maybe knowing that these moments will come to me, again and again, makes everything else a little easier to stand. i started to cry while writing this, so apparently this is deeper than i thought it was. maybe because i am quite exhausted most of the time and find that oftentimes i am unable to simply relax and be, even if i would want to. i'm working on it, i really am. i'm trying to let the bad things come and go. when they won't go away so easily, i'm trying to let them be for the moment. and i'm trying not to hold on too tightly to the good things either. ...it's okay, and everything will be okay.

One need not be a Chamber - to be Haunted - One need not be a House - The Brain has Corridors - surpassing Material Place Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting External ghost Than its interior Confronting That Cooler Host. Far safer, through an Abbey gallop The Stones a'chase - Than Unarmed, one's a'self encounter In lonesome Place - Ourself behind ourself, concealed - Should startle most - Assassin hid in our apartment Be Horror's least. The Body - borrows a Revolver - He bolts the Door - O'erlooking a superior spectre - Or More - ~ Emily Dickinson

i hate to be using this journal to complain all the time, but life is kind of tough right now and i just feel so alone, so helpless, so depressed. it feels like things are never going to get easier for me.