Judy2

so today's the day, i'll get on the plane this evening. for the past few hours, and probably days, i've been feeling super anxious, stressed, nervous. i hate myself, i want to cry.

thank you:) i hope you're doing well!

i don't. i'm freaking out right now and don't know if i'll manage to let go of the anxious feelings. there's just so much uncertainty and i can never get rid of it. i really wish i could.

? does it sound too basic?

i had a rough day yesterday, but i'm really trying to let that go and see that it's all okay. this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time! it's true that i'm still having mixed feelings about it, but i'll try and focus on how exciting this will be. i've got a list of things i'd like to do and places i'd like to visit, and if i'm lucky my flat mates will be open to spending some time together as well.

in many regards i'm probably doing better than i did at the beginning of the year, but i'm still struggling. in the past few days a lot of negativity towards myself has built up again. i feel quite alone with this, i feel like no one sees or understands me. which is kind of painful. i feel like i'm ugly, fat, inferior, not good enough, not pretty enough.

my professor sent a mean reply to an email and now i feel a little bad about myself. last week i was surprised to get a very sympathetic, kind reply from him, but today he basically used very formal language to tell me "shut up and stop asking such stupid questions, bitch!" i'm generally very scared of him, because his temper seems unpredictable, and i suppose his expectations are very high.

it would be much more fun to feel all these crazy deep emotions if i was at least sure about my self-worth and personal safety throughout all of it. if that was settled and no longer up for debate, i think i'd honestly appreciate and enjoy the presence of all of my emotions so much more. if only i could feel all these emotions without needing to buy into the stories that are attached to them. if only i never had to believe even for a second that i'm unworthy or ugly or unsafe. if only i could just know i'm cute even though i'm having a meltdown. even though i'm lying on the floor and making weird noises. one of my favourite spiritual teachers talks about this quite a lot: feeling the emotion without believing the thoughts and stories. it's difficult for me to get this, but sometimes i do get it. i just don't know if that's really an option. to feel scared and sad and all sorts of things, but still know i'm cute. especially since i know that believing the stories is in fact also an option, so how do i know for sure that they're not true? and isn't the purpose of emotions to make you believe the stories, to keep you safe? sounds kind of suicidal then to desensitize myself to the degree that i'll no longer even be able to feel alarmed when things are obviously wrong...

i've had a pretty intense mental breakdown around noon, mostly because i'm hormonal and there are so many emotions, but i don't have the time to simply be and feel because i have to finish the longest term paper ever and there's so much pressure. so it's like i can't even afford to look after my emotions. it's all too much and right now i don't even know what to do or how to deal with any of it. i'm a complete mess. my neighbours heard me crying and now they'll just think i'm crazy. embarrassing. i wish somebody could hold me i wish someone could sit here next to me and stay with me, while allowing me to stay in bed and keep crying until i'm done i wish i had time to calm down, but i don't even have that. i'm expected to keep working, but maybe i can't, but maybe i have to. it's all pretty incoherent in my head so this post won't be coherent either. just stream of consciousness i guess. i can always delete it later.

do you want to be dysfunctional? or is this so upsetting to you because you don't want to be dysfunctional at all, but you see that it is still rewarded in certain contexts, by certain women? as a woman sometimes i get "rewarded" for being "dysfunctional", too. i've repeatedly been told (exclusively by men) that it's cute how i apologise a lot or stop speaking mid-sentence because i'm so insecure. knowing this makes it harder for me to stop being insecure, because i'm scared that people will think i'm no longer as cute then. perhaps you are struggling with something similar? ultimately the point should be that you don't want to be dysfunctional, cause in the end it's always you who is suffering the direct consequences. that is, if i am to assume that you used the word "dysfunctional" in its literal sense.

i'm still really annoyed with mum right now. for all sorts of reasons. she's a good mother. always trying to be supportive, never lets me down. but sometimes we get in each other's way with our emotions and the things we say. even though we ultimately both want the same thing: to both be happy and get along well.

James Blunt has been missing here mostly because i couldn't decide which songs i'd prefer to have in my journal. i actually got to see him live last year:) the location was pretty posh and i felt a little underdressed and anxious, but it was still a great experience. on stage his presence is more powerful than you'd expect and he isn't as much of a softie lol....although technically he's an INFJ just like me, which explains a lot ♡

this year might have been the messiest, most chaotic one i've had so far. lots of back-and-forth decision-making in numerous areas of my life, so much so that it's almost ridiculous. where do i live, what do i do, when am i where, who am i with, etc. i don't appreciate the uncertainty, constantly having to revise my plans and come up with something new. i can do a little bit of that, but this year it has definitely been too much. i would love to relax and worry less, and at this point i'm really working on that. but it's still a lot, and i feel so, so much at times. i just want to have faith that it will all be okay....now can i? and how will that help....?

i'm supposed to be writing one of my last term papers right now, but my teacher can't be bothered to reply to my emails and i'll need an extension of the deadline anyway....so procrastination it is. this morning i went to see a social worker on campus and didn't think much of it until he said something crucial about how i should apply for the Bachelor programme in psychology before i got my degree in British Studies, and not after, as this would significantly influence my chances of being accepted for the programme. i'm glad that i got this piece of information in time. now i'm thinking about how and where i'll spend the next 13 months before i can get started with psychology. i'm trying to be positive and relaxed, have faith that it will all work out just fine - but at the same time i'm still a bit stressed and overwhelmed. in general i've been trying to worry less - a) it's unnecessary and b) it's not helping -, although oftentimes i find that i'm still very agitated, even if i know and try to believe that everything's alright. in those situations i tend to write in my private journal over and over again how i see that it's all okay, all good, everything's okay!, it's okay! it's all okay!....but then that itself becomes such an obsessive thing to do. anyway, in the next two to three weeks i'll still be super busy finishing my last three papers. i wasn't too worried about that until a few days ago, but now i'm starting to feel stressed and overwhelmed. well, i guess i'll have to try and enjoy the process, do things one step at a time. it's okay. it'll be okay...

so i'm staying with my grandma again. for some reason, watering the plants in her garden is the most calming, meditative job ever:)

@RickyFitts yes, i think i do it to stay safe and make sure that everything's okay. i'm always on the lookout for something that could potentially be wrong, so that it won't surprise me in an inconvenient moment later on.

i am sick of this constant need to know, understand, interpret and analyse my life. is this normal? is it actually necessary to overthink and analyse things as much as i do? - i have absolutely no idea. regardless, i don't understand what's going on. i don't know what's going to happen. ...can i just leave it at that? sometimes i really don't know what i should think or feel. and then what do i feel?? what do i do? right now i'm strangely calm and relaxed....which i find alarming. maybe i should be having a major meltdown right now? maybe in a few hours or days i'll feel super horrible about myself again?

Was es ist - Erich Fried Es ist Unsinn sagt die Vernunft Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist Unglück sagt die Berechnung Es ist nichts als Schmerz sagt die Angst Es ist aussichtslos sagt die Einsicht Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist lächerlich sagt der Stolz Es ist leichtsinnig sagt die Vorsicht Es ist unmöglich sagt die Erfahrung Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe

good things that have happened lately • on Friday i went on a hike with two of my closest friends. all in all, it was a positive experience and i am glad we did this. • i'm still happy whenever i make sure my apartment is clean and tidy. • i went for a short run this morning. • i started reading a book about colour analysis. it's an easy read, doesn't cause any negative emotions and perhaps getting back into reading will help me reduce my screen time. • i got a good mark for one of my papers even though i didn't try super hard. • i'll be visiting my grandma soon and i am looking forward to it. • currently i'm not super depressed and feel like i have a number of 'projects' going on. i always have a few ideas as to what i could do next, and things can be simple in the sense that they can feel like unambiguous improvements (like making my living space more beautiful, prioritising proper skin care, improving my language skills etc). even when things feel really dramatic or wrong in one area of my life, i can focus on simpler things and they tend to lift me up. they also provide a sense of positive immersion and stability as opposed to the dreadful feeling of being lost, scared or unstable.

i'm a little angry at myself because of something i've been noticing in regards to some of my posts in the more active discussion threads. so sometimes, as one does, i have an opinion on something and feel like it might be a valuable contribution to a given topic. but then i'm so insecure if i even perceive things correctly - i don't trust my gut, i'm scared that people will think i'm overreacting - such that i end up toning down what i actually wanted to say, perhaps using the wrong words....and i know i could just say nothing when i'm not sure and too scared, but the truth is i want to be able to speak my mind, even when i'm scared and even if there's a risk that i will feel embarrassed or misunderstood later...i want to be able to point out the things that i see....but then i really am so scared that no one will agree with what i say and maybe i just perceive things incorrectly because of all of my own emotional biases, and people here will hate me for sharing certain perspectives then... basically every time i'm trying to make a point i say "maybe i'm just sensitive" - and i am, especially when it comes to language. i notice things, i notice words and expressions, and i notice the impact they have on me. now is that a bad thing, or is it a valuable perspective to add? is it annoying and overly meticulous, or does it reveal something important? then i choose my own words very carefully because i don't want to offend anybody. it's frustrating afterwards when i find out i could have voiced a stronger opinion in favour of my previous position and it would have actually been understood more easily if i hadn't been so careful and shy about the words that i choose... ultimately the frustrating part is that i never know if i can trust myself, i never know if i'm over- or underreacting, if i am over- or underestimating myself. the same dynamic is causing me difficulty in other areas, for example regarding my body image or the degree to which i think my "authentic self" might be "too loud" in social interactions...i never know if the space i'm taking up is just right, or if i'm too much.