Judy2

@Salvijus i mean you're not wrong. still, i find it hurtful when you demonise what i (and many others) are struggling with by implying it's simply selfish attention-seeking behaviour for the sake of it. it might be "insane" in the sense that it implies a lack of health on my part, for sure. but it's not insane in the sense that it can't be understood or happens without a reason. there is real pain at the root of this. what do you think needs to happen to a 14 year old to suddenly think it's a good idea to take a knife and start cutting her thigh? and when people tell me now that i'm not even allowed to say i feel hurt...what am i supposed to do, other than to keep showing it? saying how i feel when i can sometimes barely get the words out of my mouth is progress. reaching out to people rather than staying all on my own....sometimes i can't do it, and when i do, it's brave. but it's true that i probably can't authentically explain this position for as long as i'm still affected in the way i currently am.

@Squeekytoy thank you for understanding.

idk.....right now i feel like i want to make you understand why people do what i do, not that it would change anything. i'm sorry for being so annoying:)

maybe i know on some level that it's pointless, of course. but at some point in the past it was a strategy that i had to adopt because it was the most intelligent way my system knew to protect myself. if it was easy to stop i would have ready done so.

actually the way i used the word here (and the way i tend to think of it when i use it in my journal) was meant to be more abstract... like a feeling i'd have about myself, or a sense that my entire character and Being, and the experiences and people "happening to me" are beautiful...although i guess physical beauty is a part of it. like the feeling of being a worthy protagonist of my life....not just the side character to let someone else shine brighter by contrast.

right now that would feel like i'm only replacing one idea with another

and i can't stop i know it's stupid *yet i feel like it's still necessary

i want to keep hurting until things are right

i'm being so immature all the time. and i'd know better than this, i really would. i'm wiser than this. ...but then i keep acting so stupid because i feel so hurt and all i care about is to protect myself from feeling bad.

this week i got a new French student to tutor and i'm actually quite enthusiastic about this now. turns out i also found a family in need of a babysitter, and now i'll get to look after their two little boys every now and then:) other than that i'm super busy and got so much going on all at once, which is kind of overwhelming at times. i've been working on my papers for two months and still can't hand them in because i suck at getting my structure right. i'm also super slow, probably because i'm so scared of messing this up and disappointing my teachers/professors. besides, i'm distracted thinking about what will happen for me after i got my degree. i've been praying that the MSc Psychology Conversion route will work out for me, but we'll have to see...

i've been trying to feel okay and keep moving in life, but this evening i noticed some sadness in my system and now i'm crying. i don't want this to be true but the loneliness thing makes me feel so ashamed and like it's all my fault. a part of me believes that, if i was better, if i was enough, i would never have become such a solitary character... and then this makes me feel sad again. no one even cares about me. no one wants me. what's worse is that it seems like my entire unhappiness and about a decade of mental health struggles (or at least the three years after i started recovering from my ed, but still couldn't manage to cure my mind) might very well have been caused by something as simple as a bit of isolation - and that's just way too simple and easy. that's just ridiculous. so much so that it'd almost feel quite lamentable if i went on now, got myself a handful more friends and turned out to be "happy". i've already invested way too much energy into hating myself, i can't just drop that now...

i'm into embroidery now:) it's quite enjoyable and actually kind of addictive. a friend got me interested in it and i figured it'd be a suitable alternative to help me reduce my screen time. it's rather calming, even meditative, and i get a nice end result that looks pretty. other than that i guess i'm still struggling with loneliness. i don't have any classes left except for Portuguese and French, and the remaining work i'm expected to do now (papers, thesis) has to be done alone. i'm trying to reach out to people but my friends don't seem to have a lot of time. it's generally quite dull and depressing being on my own all the time and i feel like i could really use someone to talk to more regularly.

sometimes it seems to me like everybody else is perfectly happy, and i'm not. my life's a mess, and maybe i'll never get there.

today i spoke to my professor and asked her to be the supervisor for my BA thesis. she's been very sweet and suggested i have a look at Edgar Allan Poe's short stories since i'd expressed my interest in doing a psychoanalytical reading. when i started reading "The Tell-Tale Heart", i began to wonder if this is such a good idea. the entire process of writing a thesis is already intimidating in of itself, and it would add yet another layer of anxiety if i had to write about horror stories...but okay, we'll have to see. after that my ocd got twice as bad and i guess it generally was a long and exhausting day. i'm currently getting started with another Portuguese class and i'm also taking a French class - apparently i'm already a C1 in French, which is hard to believe. it's a shame to see how many credits i could get for taking all these classes when i no longer need them on paper...but i want to keep practising anyway and i suppose i need something to keep me sane and grounded this term...

in the morning and around noon i was doing fine, but later today the anxiety came back and i can't quite let go of it now. i suppose the difficult part is to be fully aware that people will die, i'll die, i'll get hurt, i'll get my heart broken, there'll be moments when i'll feel scared and ashamed and worried, there'll be conflicts, tragedy, death, loss and sadness....to be fully aware that all of these things are a part of life, while allowing myself to feel joy and happiness, to feel light and at ease, too. but how can i feel joy and love, knowing that pain and sadness are inevitable? how could i possibly relax and let things be simple when i KNOW how hard and complicated everything can be? i don't know how to stop looking at the dark side of things all the time, because looking away won't make them go away, and if i know there's a chance i'll get hurt, i want to be prepared....i don't want any bad surprises, i'd rather expect the worst at all times. it feels like i must grieve now, and maybe i'll never stop, and maybe i'll never truly live, because Life will hurt me, again and again....and i'm here now, i'm exposed, i'm vulnerable. ...and i care about you now, and i really wish i didn't because already, my heart is breaking. it pains me to love, open up and be vulnerable when i know i'll get hurt, again and again. how am i supposed to be calm then, and enjoy the good things....when i know it'll all end in pain? if it all has to end sooner or later, why live? why love? why be? why care? why be vulnerable, why get close, open up, if i know that sooner or later we'll have to say goodbye and maybe i'll bleed to death, because you stabbed me, and maybe i'll break?

it's hard to stop being anxious right now. i would like to, but it feels like there are all sorts of objective reasons to be concerned and worried, and there's not a thing i can do to fix any of it. everything's wrong with me, and i'll always get hurt. ....and it's like Life is this endless tragedy. every morning i wake up to the same old drama, i'm never quite comfortable, always tense and worried. everything's so heavy, all the time. can't things be simple and easy for once?

i just want to disappear right now because no matter what i do, it's wrong, and i'm always the problem.

i have a profile picture on WhatsApp now:) sounds so simple but for me it's a big deal. i haven't had one in three years and at first i took it down again because the longer i was looking at it, the more imperfections i noticed.

i've been feeling embarrassed about my posts again, so i deleted some now, technically there are lots of things i could write about, but it's all so much that i don't know where to begin and where to end. yesterday i was feeling rather sad, today mostly just tired. i went for an evening walk with a friend and we talked about what's going on in his personal life. if i think about it now, i feel sort of honoured that he opened up to me like that even though he was feeling shy about it. somehow i never get the chance to be particularly vulnerable around him, but perhaps that isn't so bad because i'm able to be more receptive, calm and compassionate then...actually i'm sort of happy to see how i say all the right things and ask all the right questions. i felt the same way a few months ago, when he talked to me about how he calls a particular phase in his childhood the nazi-phase. he's a history student, so for him that's the most fitting label he can use to demonise his hurt inner child...and still he's so drawn to history as a subject...i don't know, i think it's peculiar and have been wanting to share this at some point. he really is a very kind, respectful person...sometimes too kind and polite, i feel. (...)

(:

today i went to see As You Like It at the Globe:)

i'm trying to be positive and excited, but i'm also rather terrified. it's been a long day and i was going to share a more detailed report...about how huge the airport was, that this was my first time flying on my own and my first time having to switch planes in a random city, that i've been concerned and worried about so many things, and overall just anxious. sometimes i'm calmer and then i realise again how crazy insane and unsafe this is... i thought the flight might be the hardest part, but maybe the next few days will be just as challenging? i didn't want this to be "a challenge" though...hm... now i'm in my air bnb, glad i remembered to bring my night light from home so that i can feel a tiny bit safer when i go to bed. my flat mates are making too much noise though...i dislike that. i really hope the next few days will be easier.