Judy2

this is something i have been thinking about lately. it might have something to do with the presumed personality disorder that i may or may not have, and the way i process emotions. people's emotions affecting one another and bouncing off of each other is so normal and natural, yet it can freak me out immensely whenever i notice it. i am not separate, and maybe that should be comforting...or maybe i would wish to be a separate entity. maybe i am trying really, really hard to be separate. i notice that i am this leaf that's blown in the wind and anyone and anything can just do to me whatever they want.... how very vulnerable. and i wish to be more separate, completely separate, invulnerable... (which ties in neatly with the realisation that loneliness is a function of the ego; it is not that i am alone, but that i am separate) now what's required might either be to become a more stable "self" and orient myself in such a way that my separation becomes steadier and less vulnerable to attack...which is probably valid and something to work on? so people can't walk all over me or use me or hurt me as easily. or i might need to deconstruct separation altogether? maybe both. i don't know if i am making sense here...

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whenever i notice that i am not a separate entity in the sense that my own emotions are highly susceptible to be influenced by the people around me and their emotional states.... i feel very unsafe and vulnerable. for example, if i speak with my mum on the phone and she's in a bad mood, that will necessarily have some kind of impact on me, even if it is very subtle. this is kind of obvious and normal, but at the same time scary, if you think about it. although i probably wouldn't be too happy being all on my own either. the mere fact that such a transmission of emotions can happen makes me uncomfortable even in situations when the real effect i notice is only subtle. i wonder if it is possible to reframe this physical, emotional transparency in such a way that it stops being scary. not sure if this is relatable in any way@Flowerfaeiry if it isn't, that's okay and i might just be a bit weird in that regard.

have you found ways to deal with that?

in the mood to share some mean, unenlightened thoughts i'm staying with grandma for now. it's probably 99% a me-problem because i admit i'm difficult around people....don't know what it is with family, but somehow having them around makes me oscillate all the way from being clingy and attached to trying to distance myself as much as i possibly can. grandma's idiosyncratic. she's overweight, probably obese. 93 kg (205 lbs). i know because i managed her medical stuff when we were on holiday. i feel disdain for that woman when i look at her. my mum has gained a lot of weight, too - probably because of menopause. it makes me shudder when i think that this might be my genetic destiny....i don't want to end up like them. i don't ever want to look like that. anyway, more complaining....grandma's got that hectic energy. she storms into rooms and around corners in a way that literally startles me. yesterday i screamed out twice because of the manner in which she suddenly, abruptly entered the living room. today she entered the kitchen in a similar fashion and i startled again, and when i told her about it, she immediately deflected and said how i (standing there calmly) am the one who's hectic ...because i had put something in the dishwasher which apparently did not belong in there. maybe it's the age difference...56 years just make it so that we can't really relate and don't have a lot to talk about. you can tell that she's kind of conservative and very rigid in her mind. she probably received an education that was very different from mine...so i can't really blame her and i guess it's okay that we aren't totally at ease with each other. i remember really liking her when i was little and she taught me a lot about how to cook, bake, and do things around the household. so i don't know....still not fully at ease, but i guess it is what it is.

Does it ever get too loud?:) it sounds like this could be very overstimulating.

what do you want/need us to say in response? whatever we say, is it truly going to satisfy you? if you're scared of death, how reassuring will it be to hear Leo say that you needn't fear death? i can only speak for myself, but when i'm scared....having people tell me i needn't be scared isn't just magically gonna make me say "oh, you're right! now i'm no longer scared". maybe instead of desperately looking for external reassurance, you can try to look inward....why is death scary? who's scared? what is your agenda in wanting to know that death will look a certain way? what is your agenda in wanting a certain theory about death to be true, and another theory about death to be false? ....not sure if this resonates at all, but this is what came to mind here:) it's not intended to be mean or anything, but i'm trying to point to the redundancy of the question, or, i guess, the impossibility of you receiving a satisfying answer in the form of a textual reply by some person on a forum. and of course, if you feel like this topic is destabilising you too much, please drop it for now and ground yourself in something simple and tangible:)

@LastThursday that makes sense, thank you:)

In the past two months, I have done extensive research into my topic - probably more than enough, and I could technically start writing now. I have already taken a good 200, maybe 300 pages worth of notes, and the end goal should be 40-50 pages....a coherently formulated 40-50 pages though, which is the main problem right now. There's just so much and I don't know how to organise my ideas or structure them. I've tried to come up with themed chapters and stuff like that, but overall it's still so much and I don't know if I can fit all the things I want to or should say into that structure. Technically, there is no right or wrong and there are literally infinite "right" ways to complete this task....but at the same time, I doubt whether the chapter headings I have selected can properly fit all the things I need to say, and if I say things in the right order.....and there are endless ways to do this, endless ways to arrange specific quotes in different orders...I can spend hours dragging bits of text up or down, but it's not like that would get me anywhere. For some reason, I find it really difficult to write in a structured way about a subject matter that could be analysed from a billion different angles, and there's also a hermeneutics so it does matter what I say first and what next, but in my head it's all a mess and this is so overwhelming.... and the problem is I understand what I want to say, I understand what the academic sources say on the topic (for the most part), but I just can't narrow things down enough to write a coherent essay that explains things in a linear order, because my understanding of the topic is so broad at this point that I see it from so many different angles. If I just write in a new document from scratch, that usually just gives me an extra twenty pages worth of notes that I will then have to copy and integrate into my long document, where I am repeating a lot of things unnecessarily. I have no idea how to solve this or how to make actual progress with the writing process. Another related aspect I am struggling with is the communication with my supervising professor. She is generally kind and open to any questions I have, but I feel like I am being annoying. I am also not sure how open I can be with her about the genuine psychological struggles that writing my thesis entails for me....you might say that writing a thesis is scary for everyone, but I think for me it's probably top-notch and enmeshed with an anxiety disorder and so on. I am not sure how to explain my insecurity surrounding the writing process without making her think I want special treatment or I am exaggerating....maybe I don't even have to explain this, but considering that I am weirdly insecure and making this a lot more complicated for myself than it needs to be, I feel like maybe it could help to talk to her about this. I would really appreciate your advice.

Sorry if I can't respond to everything individually, but I have read and appreciate all the advice🙏🏻 And yes of course I have heard about outlines and how to write them, it's just that I tend to struggle with this part because there is more than a single right way to do this and the thematic chapters are a sort of artificial division I have to decide on myself....and I am always wondering if there would be a better way to do this that I am not aware of yet.

No that's not it. I was told that I am free to break my topic down into 5 thematic chapters and that I should analyse these 5 themes in both of the novels I am writing about. In theory, yes, but in practice it's all very complicated in my head.

Okay I think I will reach out again to my professor and say that I would like to discuss the structure. And I'll try to work on a more detailed outline to make sure it fits all the arguments.

yes. i am aware that i am actively and probably deliberately doubting myself a lot of the time, but apparently not aware enough to know how to stop. i'm not sure...instinctively, i would say no. i'd be very glad to conclude my studies and put this behind myself...it's mostly the grade i am afraid of. i wouldn't know what to think of myself if i ended up in the reality where i failed to get a straight A for my finals, because then i would have to start asking myself complicated questions about what truly constitues my self-worth... so i don't even want to risk that and it's easier to worry about how to get a straight A.

yes, exactly. Yes, I feel like that would be helpful, but I have already talked to her a few times during her office hours and the last thing she said was that I should email her to confirm the title. Since then, I have done more research and maybe it would be smart to re-evaluate my structure now, but I don't know if she is prepared for that. I have tried that before and it always recovered my enthusiasm for a few moments until my doubts returned. The problem is that it is relatively easy to think about a structure in the abstract, but there's no guarantee that that will properly connect all the individual ideas.

@Ash55 thank you:)

Hey:) i don't want to be annoying but it would be nice if someone could help me calm down. this was sort of unexpected because i haven't really cried a lot or been super unwell in the past few months. i'm generally sensitive to noise and i have a new neighbour who is a musician and he's also generally quite noisy so i can sometimes hear him tidying up (not just for 20min but being noisy and basically rearranging furniture for 1h+, god knows why) in his apartment nextdoor. i'm also struggling with food and getting anxious when i don't know if people will be quiet in the hallway when i try to have my meals....and then i do need to eat but it feels bad if things aren't quiet around (eating disorder related). this afternoon i was supposed to keep working on my thesis (in itself an immense source of stress and it is difficult to manage myself in that area regardless of external circumstances) but given the circumstances i couldn't do my work and just tried to distract myself and watched YouTube videos....had already gone out for a long walk earlier today and at some point at night i do need to go to bed. and then i didn't really notice and thought it was just moderate anxiety but after several hours i felt so unsafe and vulnerable because of the constant tapping and singing that i just wanted to get up and get my razor and hurt myself a little because maybe that would make me feel safe....and then i didn't because before i got to get up i just started sobbing and hyperventilating for a few minutes. idk where to go because i haven't been with my family in 5 years and they're definitely not a safe environment, i could go to my grandma but that's also tricky at times, and staying here in the flat means i've got this constant source of noise (=anxiety) in the hallway which i don't seem to handle well. sorry if this is a mess.

@Carl-Richard thank you🙏🏻 @Jirh yes i go out for a long walk at least once a day...it's just that i need a safe space to live in as i can only go on walks for so many hours a day.

@Carl-Richard thank you for your reply:) can you recommend any specific noise-cancelling headphones? the ones i find online all look really expensive at a first glance. for music i've got in-ear headphones and they work fine for me, but they don't block out all noise even in the noise-cancelling mode. @Wilhelm44 thanks for the tip:)

@mmKay thank you for your response. it means a lot for me to be met with so much understanding and empathy:) i'm genuinely not sure if i'm the problem, so i'm trying to strike the right middle ground when talking about this issue. i'm afraid of being too critical of other people when there is a risk that it is really i who should keep myself in check. my neighbours want to be "free" and i think the one on the right next to me just seems really happy and joyful with his sudden hysterical outbursts and spontaneous singing. it feels weird to go around knocking on doors to tell people to be more quiet, but i have in fact already talked to him about his musical activities and suggested that we can agree on some hours for him to practice (at least i would know when to plan on going for a walk then).... but i guess he didn't want to limit himself, although he reassured me that he's done practicing after 10. i have also emailed my landlord about a month ago, but there's no official rule or anything to say that neighbours must be more quiet. a few days ago i messaged them again because there used to be more insulating stuff around my door frame until someone removed it last year and hasn't replaced it since. anyway, i decided to visit my grandma next week and hopefully that can give me some time off to think more clearly.

@Salvijus 🙏🏻

oh i see...

@Raze thanks for the links:) i'm not 100% sure if hyperacusis is the correct term in my case, since noises aren't painful per se. they just make me anxious depending on the context they occur in. the same thing can happen when i see people twisting their thumbs, for example, which is super random and i feel kind of bad for being this easily annoyed by stuff. i'm also not sure if my panic attacks are real panic attacks. they do have me sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating and when that goes on for too long my hands go numb, but there's an element of relief or willingness to that. like i'm almost glad to let it all out and there's no fear about the way my body reacts because i know what's going on. idk if me feeling that way disqualifies it from being a panic attack ...can anybody relate?

you can download individual episodes on spotify and listen to them on your walk. this way you won't need internet access.

aaah....struggling with that profile picture again. I'd love to have one, just to prove to myself that I can. But it's so difficult to select one that I'm happy with, and then I get lost looking back at old pictures. It's so stressful when I get started thinking too much about my appearance.

@Leo Gura okay:)