Judy2

if you have experienced affective instabilities before (the diagnosis schizoaffective disorder suggests you have), how do you think these intersect with schizophrenia (or the psychotic elements of schizophrenia)? where does one end, where does the other begin? can they be conceptually separated (based solely on your experience), or are they homogeneously intertwined?

there's something painful that happened more than two years ago, and for some reason i am thinking about it more than usual these days. it makes me sad. and i don't know what to do, other than to wait and sit with the pain. which feels quite horrible. i know that, at the time, i was trying quite desperately to get rid of the emotions i felt, to resolve them, somehow, but i couldn't. this resulted in a collection of neat little scars on my thigh...much neater, much more orderly, than the situation that had led up to them. it sucks, being wiser now, perhaps. knowing that i cannot call or text a soul on this planet to feel better, to fix what happened, to undo it. and more scars will not help me, either. all i can do is sit with the pain, and let it be. which is quite a dissatisfying state....because what happens next? it's so torturous to wait, and wait, and wait....and things get neither better nor worse. i know that for a long time i had to make them worse, just to feel like i was doing something about it.

so will you eat salmon and eggs while being vegan? or maybe i misunderstood.

i've considered buying some frozen mussels because i'm iron deficient again, but i couldn't find any without the shells still on. mussels are said to feel less pain than other animals, so i have been thinking they might be a tolerable option. this sounds a little like it wouldn't be enough protein or calories in general. is that really healthy for you? is it something you will be able to stick with in the long term?

i've been thinking about renaming this journal. do you have any suggestions?

ok:)

he hasn't texted back yet. i think i'm annoying...even though i haven't said that much. but i'm still convinced that i'm annoying or too much or something, and he only messaged me because he felt sorry for me or didn't want me to feel embarrassed for reaching out.

for all the German speakers, i'd go as far as to say, this is in fact not cringe because they are being cringe on purpose. it's just art at that point. for all the others...i leave that for you to judge:) the song is about pineapples, in case that matters.

i had a few good moments over the past few days, but there's also this feeling of disgust and overwhelm sneaking in, getting bigger. there are a lot of things not going as smoothly as they should, and it makes me irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. it's this creepy feeling that makes me want to act a little crazy just to feel better, to feel a little safer again.

i added him and he messaged me first....although he kept it very short and started his message with "Judith!", now idk if that's good or not.

i don't know if anyone can relate, but i've been wanting to discuss the following type of situation: it's usually a social situation that i just smile through, and once it's over i bathe in the shock or outrage. wouldn't exactly call it cringe, but it's very emotionally intense. last time it happened was when an elderly couple on the train chatted with me, then invited me to stay at their place for free. i nodded politely all throughout, and once we parted, i just had to shake my body and couldn't really cope for a few minutes. or when a professor whom i had asked a question answered with "oh geeez, i don't know. you'll have to look that up again. it's not me who has to take the exam." i just nodded politely and afterwards i had to text like three friends to channel the shock. it's kind of fun and accelerating when that happens, though. i would be curious to hear everybody's thoughts on this dynamic or if you tend to experience something similar every now and then:)

i did that a couple years ago. if i think i need it (usually i don't), i can just use my computer and open it in the browser.

is flying like swimming in the air in your dreams?

i'm an INFJ, too. most of the time, i don't wear the same outfit two days in a row, but if the clothes aren't dirty, i would save certain pieces and wear them again a few days later before washing them (except for shirts, socks, and underwear). i do stick to certain combinations of clothes, though, as soon as i have found one that i like. for example, my blue skirt is usually best paired with a particular top, and so forth.

i definitely wouldn't mind having someone like Daemon in my life to give me a pep talk every morning...the things i could achieve... what traits do you think you share with him?