Judy2

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

that sounds great so far

apart from the fact that i haven't had a lot of time lately, i have noticed some hesitancy when it comes to posting...i feel a bit out of place, like it's bad to express myself. regardless, i figured i'd give it a go now and share a thing that's been on my mind lately. as i mentioned before, i am currently doing a very short term therapy with a systemic therapist. the therapist seemed cool in the beginning, but from the sessions i've had with him, something just feels off and the entire project seems a bit pointless. talking about problems doesn't really help. i don't even get what his approach with me is, because it seems like he has no approach at all, or certainly not a very effective one. anyway, i've noticed this rather interesting pattern that every time he says something like "i worry about you" or "it's sad that you feel that way about yourself", i can't take it seriously at all. in fact, i tend to almost feel amused at the situation, because his attempts at validating my experience and parroting back at me the things that i reported experiencing ("i can see that you are experiencing a lot of stress right now, and this is a new situation, ...") just seem so fake. he's getting paid to say that, or he says that because he wants to manipulate me into somehow changing my emotional state, and i'm not buying it. not sure if this is about me or the therapist. he asks regularly "and how does that make you feel?" and the only answer that ever comes to mind for me is "it's okay". i feel like i have to say "it's okay" to everything, because i've been blamed before for all the times i said things weren't okay when i was in therapy...or when i was simply talking to friends and they found my negativity off-putting. ...and also because every time i am honest and tell him what isn't okay, i'm being blamed for it, at least implicitly. so by now, i've considered keeping certain things to myself because this practitioner seems to lack the neutrality to handle these things without ever so slightly adding to the problem? not sure if this is the point, and he'd think that what is being triggered in the therapeutic relationship should occur exactly like that, too.... i don't know.

@UnbornTao ok, thanks:)

i feel a little offended because now i'm not even granted access to files i personally wrote on this very device.

@Natasha Tori Maruyes, it's basically embedded in my Files Explorer now, if you mean that? but now everything is really messy, i can't move entire folders without stuff getting lost, i can't open some very important documents anymore, even though they were saved on my desktop.

thanks:) not a bad idea

i made some progress and now i have both OneDrive accounts running, but it's still stupid because my files are scattered all over the place and it's tough to know where they are saved. sometimes they're saved in two locations but not always, so i can't just delete folders.

@glassfireidk if that fixes the problem...maybe a part of it.

oh no

@UnbornTaoeven if i don't, idk how to stop the files in use from being saved to the private OneDrive, or how to get my existing files off of there. just this error message popping up on my screen every time i want to save a document is super stressful.

i just don't understand how OneDrive works, or how i can tell my software to save stuff on the university OneDrive and not my private one. sometimes files are being saved on my private OneDrive even if i didn't say they should (or when i explicitly saved them on my device and not the cloud), and then when i want to work on things offline and save them, i get some kind of error message in word that says i should log in, and then the login never works.

like i'm actually in bed crying because this is so annoying and i just want this to be fixed so that i can move on with my day.

i feel terrible because i have been trying to fix a technical problem with my microsoft accounts and one drive for several hours and it's only getting more confusing and nobody is helping me. ChatGPT only made it more confusing and nothing makes sense anymore. i wish i could avoid this but i hate how these obligations are essential to me managing other obligations (actually using word and excel and saving my documents) and i hate how it's just expected of me to know how to handle all this stuff cause i don't. i called my brother and he was very sweet about it but he couldn't help since he's in another country and couldn't see my screen. i tried to call tech support at my university and we have been writing emails back and forth for 2 weeks but never resolved this. i asked if i could come to see them in person and they said no i can't. i feel so exhausted and i hate how this is just feeding off of my already very limited mental resources right now. i feel stupid for having to ask neighbours for help all the time. it looks stupid to always be writing in a group chat. i wish someone was there to help, yes, but i hate how it looks to be asking strangers for help with my IKEA furniture and wifi router and now this.