Judy2

for someone's thesis, but they didn't tell me in advance that i would be hypnotised. it was framed as a relaxation exercise. my dance school hosted a show hypnotist a few years ago. this was mainly for entertainment purposes, but still impressive.

i am super stressed out again. my body has felt really shaky all afternoon. the contents of my studies are really interesting, but i can barely focus on them because of the immense pressure related to exams and grades. it's ironic how a programme called psychology and psychotherapy is taking a toll on its students' mental health... and this is so overwhelming, i don't know what to do or how to deal with it. i cannot focus on anything because i am constantly worrying about my future.

@Schizophonia it's a funny coincidence, but i was hypnotised for a lab experiment this morning...it was a little crazy:) because it really made a difference in the reaction inhibition task after that (only for a few minutes until the effect faded). kind of magical. but i'm scared of the Freudian nonsense you would feed my very vulnerable, suggestible brain.

now i'm alright again

@Schizophonia it was supposed to be a joke...sorry:)

i feel such an odd contrast, when i look around and see my neat, tidy, pretty room...then compare it to the mess, confusion, uncertainty, instability, fear, worries... the chaos inside myself. the two silk paintings on my wall that i somehow managed to arrange in perfect symmetry... my colourful embroidery threads laid out for the next washcloth i will embroider to somehow sew myself together... this reminds me of a passage from a novel, one of the two that i wrote my thesis on: Madhouses are large and only too numerous; yet surely it is strange they are not larger, when we think of how many helpless wretches must beat their brains against this hopeless persistency of the orderly outward world, as compared with the storm and tempest, the riot and confusion within - when we remember how many minds must tremble upon the narrow boundary between reason and unreason, mad to-day and sane tomorrow, mad yesterday and sane to-day. ... and then something about "the stiff squareness of Turkey carpets", which i find fitting.

confused, SCARED, and unstable

i had a good day on Monday, but then, all of a sudden, i began to feel really confused and unstable. ... still trying to figure out how to deal with that now.

difficult, stressful, overwhelming day.

it really hurts, to know that i have had a pretty severe eating disorder and even in the years after, when i'd slice into my skin to carry some of my pain outward... all my mother felt was blame, of all things. and that she thinks i did all those things because they're "fun", i guess?

my mum and i spoke on the phone yesterday, and we generally got along well, except she casually dropped a line that has me feeling quite bad now. i was asking about whether i annoyed my brother when we were little, and she said it was difficult for him "when it was all about me". i only realised after we had hung up that she didn't mean our childhood, but our adolescence, when i was having mental health problems and they sent me away from home for a year... so actually, she must have had plenty of time for my brother, given that i wasn't even home with them to begin with. i feel like this is so unfair. she still blames me for it, she still thinks i was ill on purpose. it's not my fault if she thinks she didn't spend enough time with my brother... she could have easily done something about that, i didn't actively keep her away from him or anything. even the staff on the psych ward thought i was ill on purpose. and now, some eight years later, every time i feel bad and try to feel better but can't, i still have this belief that i am just not trying hard enough. this is also the reason i have never tried antidepressants or anything... because my entire treatment as a teenager consisted in being told that i just didn't try hard enough to recover... so technically, i should be able to eradicate all difficult, unhappy feelings through sheer willpower.

it was really good and exactly what i needed to focus again on the things that matter in life ♡ i talked and laughed a little too much and felt kind of awkward about myself at times, but it was really wholesome to connect with the people i love and care about. it made me feel really safe, despite the fact that there are still a few things i haven't figured out in life. one friend is about to have her first baby, and it was so interesting to talk about her pregnancy and the upcoming birth. apart from that, we went to my favourite café, had Indian food, went to see a movie, drove into the woods for a walk, and did a few quieter activities at home. i'll try to take this feeling of being recharged back home with me and hold onto the hope and love i got to feel here♡

@Jannes okay, thanks for sharing:)

this weekend, i'm visiting the city that i lived in for the first 5 and a half years of my adulthood. it feels a little weird, but i am staying with friends and my best friend says that it is as though i had never left. i've missed my friends here, and i feel a lot of love every time i think of them♡ so this is precious and i am glad we could finally arrange a visit.

@Jannes aren't you also part of a theatre group? i'd like to give something like that a go next year and imagine it could be fun.