Judy2

hard to tell what this was. generally speaking, i'd point out that a mystical experience isn't necessarily perceptual/visual. it's not about what happens inside your perceptual bubble, but how this bubble is made sense of/conceived of/how the Self relates to this bubble. your age doesn't matter.

what about meal prepping it in advance (and freezing it)?

Day 2 sleep was less than ideal again. so was work. energy's low as i don't feel comfortable eating at the office, and the way to work and back takes 1 hour in each direction... tasks at work were meh, too. lots of copy and paste, etc. felt quite exhausted and eager to get home. it's also raining. and my parents didn't warn me about this, maybe they didn't know either, but i'm having suspicions that my host may have a drinking problem - which isn't really affecting me, but it does leave a hint of discomfort, for sure. anyway, one more negative: i don't think i'll make it to the gym on weekdays because that'd also be a 45 min drive in each direction (that can't be combined with the way to work)....and i don't have the nerve for that after the workday. will catch up with my training on the weekend. not because i don't want to work out after work, i'd love to, but because travelling to an unknown gym in an unknown part of an unknown town by unknown means of transportation in unknown weather conditions would add 2 more unsafe hours to my already pretty damn unsafe day. now i'm just trying to feel safe, maybe read a book and watch some YouTube videos....staying in and doing all the stuff to feel safe and comfy, when the rest of the day is filled with danger and discomfort. something like that. ... i find it hard to ground myself right now. hence why i am writing all this - it's a lot going on for me, for sure, and i am having trouble switching modes to just being and relaxing... but i guess now's finally the much desired time for that? still hard to switch modes.

Internship Day One at the Cultural Office i didn't have a good night's sleep as i lay awake for a few hours, but felt relatively good when i got up this morning. had enough time to get ready and then my parents' friend drove me into town by car. i got to the Cultural Office on foot, was introduced to everybody and shown around. got my own laptop and a password, but it took us quite some time to deal with technical difficulties. after that was fixed, i was given some documents to work on - copy and paste, re-size, look for grammar or vocabulary mistakes, try printing them and finding the right format. everybody's nice but the secretary told me it's a job where you have to sit a lot and i should think about whether that's for me. feeling somewhat uncomfortable and unsafe now. i tried to have lunch but couldn't because i couldn't find a place to be alone and i tried to feel into it but felt too uncomfortable to eat. i'll be staying until 2 pm and then i can drive back home - which is, at least, a lot safer than here. ...sat in the tram now and i'm feeling drained, overstimulated, socially depleted. had to smile and do small talk for way too many hours today. ... probably not my dream job or dream office, but i assume i'll make it through the next two weeks being present enough to enjoy some aspects of this nonetheless.

if i can quiet the struggles around food and anxiety.... now i'm actually excited for the days to come, getting to know the new city and everything. it'll be good. feeling this enthusiastic is so alien to me.

....i do feel unsafe, unstable....because it's so new, unknown, forbidden to me to try to plan on eating enough when i'm travelling, somewhere new, doing something new. that's such a weird combo, to aim for balance in that kind of environment....rather than trying to restrict, which is a much clearer direction than finding the middle ground between too little and too much. but it has to be this way and apparently, i need to practice this. i know that every time i failed to do this, i felt sad and dreamt of the moment when i finally could feed myself well despite external uncertainties.....so apparently now's the time that i'm finally "allowed" to do the meal prep while away from home, somewhere scary. not really allowed, even, maybe i'm not allowed to...but i guess it just makes sense, cause i know the consequences for me - mentally and physically - that arise when my eating gets out of hand and overly chaotic. i'm trying to be good to myself and eat regularly, because i know rationally that i'll be better off this way, even though it's not how i normally function outside of my self-proclaimed safe spaces. so maybe it's still not allowed and it still feels bad, but regardless, i understand why it makes sense to prioritise meal times. (by the way, strength training is also one of the reasons i'm starting to see why it's not good to go through random phases of restriction....if i want to keep working out, i should keep eating enough, too. everything else would do more harm than good.

there's some anxiety and a sense of unsafety, for sure. there always is when i'm in a new, unknown environment. but i'm getting along well with the hosts and trying my best to make this a good experience....exploring the new cities and everything. it's tempting for me to restrict when things are like this, but i also know it's not good for me and it usually backfires later - so despite the anxiety, i'm trying to be a bit rigorous about feeding myself well and regularly. i told myself what to meal-prep in advance, so that i don't have to overthink it now that the emotions are kicking in unpredictably. breakfast and lunch for tomorrow are sorted...after work i may try to find a gym, and then i can figure out dinner when i get home. ....so i can go to sleep with a good feeling, overall, and things may be well. when i am calm, sometimes i tell myself i love myself...weird. maybe i do this to reinforce or underline the calmness, which is always such a rare experience for me.

Internship Craze - Day Zero some counsellor a few months ago told me i hadn't done enough placements for my cv yet (i hadn't done a single one at that point), so somehow i ended up here, aiming to do a six week streak of three two-week placements in a row. this afternoon, i got to the station and drove to the big city next to the smaller city where i'll be tackling placement number one starting tomorrow. by the time i arrived, my apathy from the hours prior had subsided (i had been stuck in freeze mode being barely responsive)....felt some excitement when driving into the city, and listened to music as i took the tram to get to my accommodation. now i'm staying in one of my parents' friend's attic. ate some tofu and i'm HOPING to feel safe and stabilise here soon.

i'm hurting a bit and feeling bad because of how destabilising the weeks since christmas have been for me. i don't like how the unstable environment has made my eating and meal structure equally unstable, and has been harmful to my psyche and body....don't know if it will get any easier from here, but i'm hoping that my accommodations during the two work placements this month will provide enough safety to help me get back on track in terms of routines and stability. hard to think of that right now, cause i'm despairing a little.

this view and emotion is not permanent. it'll keep on shifting.

yeah, i've also had bad experiences with therapists but know it'd be similarly harmful to throw out the concept of therapy entirely....just need to find the right one. clarity comes and goes. "embrace uncertainty" - maybe that could be your new mantra? what is true to you, regardless of whether there is certainty or uncertainty in the moment? what grounds you?

i think everybody's moved on from Tinder and dating apps in general for quite a while. it's also not really your fault that you're not doing well on there - that's pretty much built into the system. you can find videos explaining that on YouTube.

i don't know...i feel like i should have been more intentional with the journal. be clearer from the start on what i am actually trying to accomplish here.... instead, i'm just winging it and figuring it out as i go.

is it okay if i have for example an apple at 8, go to the gym, then have 2 eggs with cottage cheese at around 11? 5 eggs sounds like it could be a bit hard on digestion... haven't you had any trouble with that? but i guess it's not unusual for guys to eat that many eggs. do you leave in all the yolks?

do you have a counsellor/therapist you can talk to if it gets all too much? i sometimes bring this up in cases like yours because i've personally experienced the confusing overlap between emotional catharsis and awakening, and i know it can be tough to navigate even if you feel you've finally seen through all your mental health issues. one doesn't exclude the other....you can still seek support regardless.