Judy2

happy birthday:)

@shree Hey, thanks for your reply. I don't think my family is particularly narcissistic or that cutting out my family should be the goal. I love my family, and they're generally trying to be supportive. They aren't any more toxic than the average family. I have a brother who is getting on well with my parents and who has never developed any major psychological issues. This is a "me-problem" (not just saying that but based on the fact that I am generally weird and complicated when it comes to relationships), which means that I am the one who should develop healthier strategies to let them do their thing while being able to interact with them to a degree that is right for me. So that's something I have got to figure out somehow. The general parameters of our relationship (me living on my own, but talking on the phone and meeting with them occasionally) don't have to change. It's just a matter of figuring out how I can feel more grounded when we do interact. The book recommendations seem promising - thank you:) I'll look into those!

@Yimpa :)

also feeling lonely....being alone is no good for me, but whenever i'm around other people it gets too much and i feel like i can't breathe. i feel like i'm pretty messed up and stupid and lost.

everything is so "unsteady"....and no one understands

had too much caffeine again, which resulted in another panic attack. the first half of the day was almost good, but i'm feeling a bit lost now.

:).

i find it difficult to articulate this, but something along the lines of consciousness grasping itself, or grounding myself in what's real. my default mode is a kind of dissociation where i pretend like "this is not it" or "i''m not actually here", but i guess i actually am here...so maybe it would be beneficial to ground myself more in that recognition....otherwise i'm grounded in falsehood and keep running into problems. of course psychedelics would be a more potent tool to achieve that and i might get back to that in the future, but right now i don't have access to them and it's okay for me to meditate even if that grounds me only moderately. it's better than nothing.

@Salvijus yes, conflict is definitely an issue. it's something i already expect to happen every time i visit.

@Jordan Wow, that's a lot! What I like about the video above is the sound. Its rhythm is very gentle, and it helps to draw my attention to the "emptiness" of (my) consciousness in which it appears. But it sounds like you know just what to do even without that:)

@Schizophonia I'm not very familiar with the Freudian framework you are applying here, so the allusion to incest does sound strange to me. Why would that even be a concern?

Have any of you tried this, and if so, what was it like for you? i don't do a full hour, only about 20-30 minutes. it feels like my body is falling asleep while my mind is still awake... is that what a meditative state should be like? my thoughts are still wandering and random images appear, but it's nothing profound in content, only in terms of the unfamiliar structure of this state. sometimes i forget where i am. it's a bit like lucid dreaming or astral projection. there's some fearful energy and whenever i remember that i temporarily forgot where i am or travelled too far away in my mind, i am scared someone might appear in this weirdly non-localised, undefined space and startle me....even though i'm sat alone in my room. so i usuallly open my eyes every five minutes or so, until i close them again.

yeah it's a helpful perspective for sure:) thank you!

@Cireeric hm....i'm not entirely sure if that's what it all boils down to, or if it's something else. guess i'll have to keep observing.

yes, feeling misunderstood is a theme, and sometimes i wonder why being misunderstood feels so bad and threatening. it shouldn't be a problem, but it feels like it is.