Judy2

😅

i have been thinking that it would be good for me to take some time off from the forum. journalling can sometimes turn into a bit of a compulsion for me, and i tend to feel as though i can outsource some of my problems in life by writing about them. ...so i'll try my best to be present moving forward, and see again how it feels to confront challenging situations in life without needing to relate them on paper/online. as much as this journal and this forum can be a bit of a safety net, i think it's also important for me to see that i don't depend on it. luckily, i have multiple counsellors at this point, so with anything that i may need help with, there'll be support available. another reason for my planned break is that i feel that i should eliminate any distractions that this place may represent, and instead focus my mental energies on finishing my studies in the months to come. i'll try my best to be well and take good care of myself while absent from this place, and use it as an opportunity to become even more present with myself, from moment to moment...without the need to write about everything that's going on:) and with full permission to simply be for being's sake, and to feel for feeling's sake. will probably be back in a few months and i wish you all a good time until then🙏🏻

which one?

how?

@Schizophonia when i encounter other people who are underweight, i don't perceive all of them to look "oh so innocent". some of them, yes, but not all. that's interesting for me to register, for sure. this may be odd, but for years there's been quite a bit of sadness concerning the tragedy i perceive in this. when i was at my lowest (and, in my mind, most beautiful), i rarely had the energy to socialise, and i had to have quite rigid routines to somehow make the energy deficit bearable...and then through recovery, suddenly people start seeing me more, and to me it's totally tragic that no one saw me when i was really skinny, because that's the me i wanted to be seen the most. when i was in high-school and had my phases of trying to recover, one of the worst triggers used to be the "oh you look so much better already!" type of comments (mostly imaginary ones). it felt really painful to me that people wouldn't understand how, oftentimes, regaining the weight is so much more exhausting mentally, than is being underweight. somehow people assume that girls who are anorexic only weightrestore because magically, their mind has been fixed while underweight, and now they don't want it anymore. the reality is that it takes a lot of courage to push through with recovery despite an internal split, and usually the time when the weight has been restored but the mind still needs to catch up is the hardest, and the most vulnerable. because emotionally, many things are still the same but you no longer have a body to show it, and so people assume you're fine when you're still struggling. this has been a HUGE trigger for me for many years, and i guess it's probably the same for others, and people don't really understand this...so if anything, i wish to raise some awareness around this. anorexics don't just gain weight because suddenly they changed their mind and no longer want to be skinny. it's a really difficult, painful process of leaving this addiction behind, and the mind can't just switch off all the old beliefs associated with the image of being emaciated. even when weight restored, concerns around body image and everything related to it can still be really, really loud. eating disorders are mental disorders, restriction and its physical consequences are a symptom. if an alcoholic decides to quit drinking, doesn't mean his mind is cured. same goes for eating disorders.

for example when i'm on holiday with family, we're sat in the car and my parents have an argument. or when my dad had his clutter lying around, or when he excessicely scratches his breakfast bowl with the spoon. or the pressure of getting marks at school - it all points to emotional vulnerability, in my experience. so these are the situations that being too skinny could shield me from. in my mind it could protect me from anything that's bad in the world, because physiologically, my number one issue was being malnourished...and so the neediness inherent in that automatically made everything else seem less important, at least in theory. plus, i could always tell myself that the world i'll recover in will be much nicer, but i'm not there yet, so i must wait and restrict and keep dreaming...basically:) essentially, it's just much safer on the sidelines of life, if you can always tell yourself life isn't there yet...and how perfect life could be when it finally starts. so the conscious restriction enabled a lot of fantasising about an ideal parallel universe where i was allowed to fully be there, exist, and feel alive. a universe without conflict, without contrast, and without anything that could hurt me even when i'm "actually there". by not eating (or undereating), it was as though i wasn't really alive, and that was kind of useful to not be there for all the things that weren't right...but it also meant i couldn't be fully there for the things that were good. which didn't seem to be a problem because fantasising about the perfect life was much better anyway...plus, i engaged in these perfect fantasies from a place of perfect safety, not really living, but still existing in a body that i found overwhelmingly special and it was a huge ego boost that i could be that skinny.

@Schizophonia i still feel triggered. but it's ok:)

you are correct. in my mind, at least, there's a strong association with innocence. i felt extremely innocent when i looked like i do in those pictures. i don't think many people will be interested in this, and it won't say much to you, either, but this is sort of the dynamic i am writing my thesis about, too. i am writing about the female protagonists of two Victorian novels, who are very much infantilised and "innocent". one of them is a complete victim and is exploited for it, the other is more smart about it and uses masquerade to "act cute" and prompt men around her to protect her. there's also a painting of her that portrays her in a different light, revealing the more sexual facets of her personality, which is quite shocking to the men who only know her as the cute, innocent, childish "angel in the house". coincidentally, the novels also both include a discourse on female insanity ...so in other words, i find these two protagonists quite relatable lol:)

@Schizophonia yes, i think i see what you're trying to say:) thank you literally anything that's perceived as "negative" or challenging in life or social interaction. it can be really small, random things.

i'm scared that people are judging me and that what you guys see when you read all my ramblings is a whole lot of ugliness in my soul. a whole lot of egotism, obsession, dysfunction. for the most part, what i share here, i share out of a deep fascination for existence and psychology, and my individual psychology is the most direct point of reference i have for this. this fascination also exists independent of whether my psyche is making me suffer, or whether i am successfully healing it. although i like to believe that so far, it has helped me survive and it will help me heal. i would also write the type of thoughts that i share here in a private journal - only that private journaling has come to feel a bit futile throughout the years. i don't care who reads this and who doesn't, but just the idea of "putting things out there" feels nice at times. i don't know if this makes sense, and what the objective moral judgement of my journalling situation is. all i know is that sometimes it does feel helpful to put things out there. also, about the fascination with psychology: i think it can be both a coping mechanism, an adaptation to traumatic events, and a useful skill in life. it can be both, and that's legitimate. i'm sure Leo's insistence on TRUTH is also not as pure as he portrays it at times, i'm sure there's a story of individual psychology that plays into this, more than he likes to admit - but this is not wrong, either. there are probably thousands of doctors and lawyers on this planet who found their calling based on past traumatic events. this doesn't take away from their purpose; if anything, it makes it more real. ...don't know if this articulates the point i'm trying to make.

maybe it is wrong that i am sharing so much of myself, my psyche, my deepest emotions online.

acknowledging what's difficult/challenging: i feel as though i am too much i feel guilty and embarrassed for having expressed too much of myself on here (my emotions, contemplations, struggles) i feel as though some of you guys are judging me because i'm still struggling while in recovery. maybe this feels bad because i fear that i'm doing it wrong, or i feel misunderstood, or i feel as though you guys don't believe me that i'm really trying to do better atm. i feel worried that people may think i'm too much when i have so many emotions to share all the time. maybe it's wrong to share all of this publicly...not sure. acknowledging what's good, positive, what i am grateful for: my mood is alright this morning (edit: it's good. i feel positive, hopeful, safe, and good and comfortable in my own skin...) i had an enjoyable session at the gym and it felt as though i had more energy than on Wednesday it is valid that i want to look good and feel good in my body i am hoping to be productive and make progress with my thesis today dad and i plan on going cycling by a riverside this evening, and if it's anything like last evening's ride in the cool night air, it'll be quite nice:) i finally got the ratio right and really enjoyed my shake this morning

@Schizophonia please don't feel obligated to respond to everything i wrote today:) i wrote most of that just because it came up and not to you in particular...and it's not your responsibility to help me deal with all this. i myself am getting a bit of a headache now cause all this was quite a lot to ponder.

idk it's like when i'm fully here and not engaging in any form of dissociation, that's when people and life and conflict can really get at me. and the other part is that i think i uncovered a bit of an attachment paradox just now. that i desperately want to be saved but for that i need to get close to people and that in itself feels unsafe so i preferred saving myself and recovering without help when i was in that situation, but then i still felt unwell after that. but you're right, technically it doesn't even make sense to say any of this because there's no actual danger. there's just a lot of perceived danger in life and in social interaction. emotional vulnerability, i suppose.

expressing that i feel weak and that i want to be protected and loved and taken care of. it also didn't work in other regards, for example the part where i'm able to fully participate in life.