Judy2

i don't want to gain any more weight. i feel a lot more comfortable being lean.

i want someone to explain my situation to me and tell me what to do

i'm stupid, i hate myself, and i most definitely hate my parents.

i feel like i have a gigantic self-worth issue and i don't know how to fix that and i want to cut into my legs i feel overwhelmed with the situation. i don't feel good. i don't know where this is leading (supposed to lead) and i don't know if it will be alright....if everything is just gonna turn into one gigantic catastrophe.

i'm feeling pretty depressed. if i eat enough to get to a healthy weight again, soon i won't fit my clothes anymore, i'll feel too ashamed of myself to leave the house, talk to people, do things outside in the real world, go swimming... i hate myself, i hate my life. i love Life, but my life's always such a mess, there aren't any easy answers, it seems. i don't feel good.

i hate myself and this is all too much i feel so stupid for always doing the hardest bits all on my own, all by myself, without any support without anyone knowing or witnessing or realising what i'm doing

it's too much, i can't handle this, i don't know why i opted for doing all the most difficult things all at once and why i chose to take it all upon myself all at once, without any support...it's so much more than i can handle all on my own. i don't know why i'm like this, this is stupid

struggling. overwhelmed. ... just a thought, but maybe if there's no one and nothing to hold onto...i could just "fly". whatever that means. it's all quite a lot, i'm this close to hurting myself... i feel stupid for doing all the hard bits without psychological support, as usual. i don't know why i'm like this. it's all too much, i hate this.

i'm probably a really horrible person.... i'm sorry!

i hate my parents, i don't feel safe around them, i don't feel good...they're ruining everything and making all things beautiful so ugly and stressful. i wish they could just leave me alone, wish i could exist without them and live the best life ever. really, if it weren't for them, this would have been a perfect day.

meeting my brother's long-term girlfriend for the first time ever tonight, which should be lovely....but yeah, feelings are mixed because the situation in general is so stressful.

to top things off, we went on, took our bicycles and rode to a nearby stream to bathe. the landscape was beautiful, sublime. near-perfection, paradise. i probably haven't been this alive in years. maybe everything might be alright after all... still, there's a latent sense of conflict and anxiety. ... i hate my parents. by the end of the day, we still return to their house; their presence is ruining everything. i hate their noisiness, i don't feel safe, they're making me anxious, they're cutting right through me... leave me alone, please!

went on a short hike with my big brother, which was very nice:) if all goes well, i'll visit him in Zurich next weekend and we'll go for a longer hike in the Swiss mountains.

lol. i hope this very sincere expression isn't all too odd, i hope there's some kind of therapist out there who can fix me. and who can fix that entire self-worth issue that i have with myself, which must be linked to all of this in one way or another. i do love my parents, too. i appreciate their support. mum can be sweet when we get along (quick reminder that a few weeks ago i knelt and wept in the forest "because i miss my mum who i love so so so much") i'm a bit brutal in expressing my hatred, but figured i could do it safely on here, because apparently there's no way around expressing it. (thinking parts work and ifs?)

i feel sadness looking over to the wall where i put up a picture of me, on holiday, with a parrot on my arm. looking skinny. 17 year old me. i understand you, i see you. i know you simply wanted to live and be. i know that you were, but that you were, struggling, because you had to. i don't judge you, i understand you. i understand that it was all so, so difficult, and there wasn't any other way. i don't think that picture is ugly, or that it needs to be hidden because i was sick in it. my mum would probably want to hide it, wouldn't like me putting up pictures of skinny me. mum only wants pictures of normal-weight me, because all the oppression and disease of my soul doesn't show as clearly there, because she doesn't want it there....because she wants me to be happy, as a mother does, and that's good and right. but at the same time, there's an element of denial on her part, wanting to wish away and ignore some very obvious discords and disharmonies that do exist, and that did exist back then. i like that picture with the parrot because it's so true, it reflects my truth, it reflects how i was all ALIVE, yet sick, because i had to be, because things weren't alright...and it would be a lie to pretend like they were.