Judy2

@HopefulMan it could be milder forms, still. or none of it:) i didn't mean to imply that any of the above has to be the case for you - just to inform you what that could be like. i'm sure you can find some emotions if you keep looking. best of luck to you 🙏🏻 and take care:)

maybe i misunderstand but it kind of looks like you are first negating this and then describing how it's exactly the case? i might be wrong though. dissociation is a spectrum. in its milder forms, it is more like depersonalisation or derealisation, feeling strange in your body, like you aren't really there as a self anymore. you might look at your hands or your reflection in the mirror and get a very weird feeling from that. some people go physically numb or their senses become a bit clouded like there's cotton around their ears. alternatively, they may be hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant while still feeling very strange in their bodies, with their thoughts and senses. people can freeze physically, but they could also still move while feeling completely out of touch with themselves. in its more extreme forms, dissociation can cause you to start shaking uncontrollably, experience gaps in memory and lose control over your body, i.e. drop to the ground. the most common skill to deal with dissociation is either heat, cold, or physical exercise. the reason people dissociate is typically for self-preservation or protecting their mental faculties from traumatic events. every person can potentially dissociate, for example during a car accident (or in your case SA) - it would make it so that painful events wouldn't seem as real or close to YOU anymore. for those with trauma (post-traumatic stress or personality disorders), dissociation can become a learned response that keeps being reactivated even if the present trigger is no longer as objectively intense as a car accident, and it can be almost tempting to get lost in that world and you kind of don't know anymore if it's good or bad to be in that dissociated state. if you want to get therapy and work on the painful events causing problems in your life, though, it's tough to do that when you are constantly dissociating, i.e., not letting the therapist or yourself access the painful emotions underlying this behaviour that the behaviour seems to be sheltering you from in the first place...so it can be a bit of a vicious cycle, and, again, depending on how uncontrollably it affects a person, quite dangerous. this is also where pretty bad levels of self-harm can occur...cause people are so out of touch with themselves and don't even know anymore how to handle the way their bodies and minds are reacting. ...but it counts as dissociation way before it comes to that. sorry for the oversharing:) i'm quite fascinated with the topic.

@Leo Gura well now it all makes sense why duolingo taught me to say that the butterfly is reading a book and the caterpillar is sad.

i am currently doing an internship at a bilingual kindergarten and have been observing the children's behaviour and also the adults' ways of relating to them. what stands out is this very particular way of how adults talk to children, namely by exaggerating emotional responses (shock, surprise, disappointment, approval, and on and on). i mean it's nothing new and i do this myself....when a kid tells me a story about how it was hit by another kid or how that kid said a 'bad word', i fake/exaggerate outrage and compassion, and when it tells me where their family's gonna go on vacation, i fake/exaggerate fascination...whereas with an adult, i'd be more casual while expressing "yeah, Italy is beautiful" (something like that). i guess there's nothing wrong with this and i know most adults interact with children this way - even though sometimes this entails overriding and even suppressing what's actually going on for them personally...think exhaustion, annoyance, worry, etc. in new parents. now i wonder if this exaggerated emotional pattern is the only way of actually relating to children, essentially by copying how their experience is 'structured' as human beings who have been alive for only four, five, six years. i mean of course they are going to perceive things differently....but i wonder if exaggerating emotions is the only way for adults to relate to children, or if there are other options that may be more serious/authentic. would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially if we have any parents/aunties/uncles here:)

in this context i mean that certain emotions may be there (lingering underneath the surface) but not part of your awareness and thus contributing to your "state" despite not being felt explicitly. a shift in state can occur that would make the contributing emotions explicit and re-shape your present experience/where awareness 'goes' as a whole, or what is part of your scope of awareness. don't quote me on this, i'm just making it up as i go. sorry if it sounds very fuzzy...i'm just trying to point to stuff you can observe in your present experience and how it 'morphs' from moment to moment. maybe it would work better with an example.

good question:) i think it's like the totality of my physical and emotional sensations, my subjective experience (thoughts, feelings) and how they all interact with and influence one another, how they are basically entangled in some sort of matrix.

@HopefulMan that sounds really difficult. if you don't mind that i keep digging (let me know when it's too much)....you say "intense situations" - what demarcates a situation as such, aside from an emotion that may or may not be felt? for example, in such a situation, do you fidget a lot or feel yourself dissociating (most simply in the form of depersonalisation/derealisation, "feeling strange in your body", or like your self/ the 'doer' is not there anymore)? where are your thoughts going? again, the theory i was taught in this context is that internal pressure or a perceived crisis can be so intense that access to emotions is completely blocked, and the way to access them is to start by releasing and regulating tension. i don't know if this applies to your situation, but maybe you can check in and see if this feels accurate next time things seem intense. one way of checking is if physical stimuli (exercise, hot/cold water, very spicy or sour food) change your state at all. ....and something else that came to mind: can you give yourself some self-compassion throughout this? it might make a huge difference for your system to know that you're not blaming yourself for struggling at the moment, and it's okay that you are still working on figuring things out.

@Ramasta9 @Natasha Tori Maru hey:) i had to think of our discussion again this afternoon, particularly the timing of meals. i was wondering how you do/would handle things if you have a workday or some other thing impacting your meal timing. does that upset you at all? for example, i'm currently doing an internship and don't feel comfortable eating at work, so to make that fit my schedule, i have to eat before work at 7am and then after work at 3pm... which is not ideal for me, but i don't see how else i would make that work. do you mind it when you have to eat your meals outside your home, and in this case, would you just eat at work to stick to the timing, or adjust your timing to be able to eat at home? sorry if i'm being so meticulous about this topic:) i'm currently working on figuring out a new structure that works for me and try to hear inspiration from people who seem to have their relationship with food figured out:) btw i tried training fasted a few times and it went okay depending on how late i had my last meal the day before, and also depending on the intensity of the exercise.

@HopefulMan yes, i can relate to this problem of either not talking about things, or talking about them while being very detached and cut off from my emotions. i believe there can be a gradual learning curve with this, though. it helps to stop yourself once or twice a day, maybe close your eyes, breathe, and tell yourself that you'll stay with you and your emotions. if you can't share your emotions with others (yet), it's okay to focus on feeling on your own for now, or to find points of connection that feel more accessible and less serious or grandiose.

money can also be a trap:) "is everything a trap?" - no, but the tough part is it takes some discerning with any given thing, situation, or circumstance. saying that everything is a trap - that, too, is, unfortunately, a trap. you don't need to freak out over traps, just be conscious that some may be out there and even if you fall for one, you can get up again and keep going.

i'm sorry you had to go through that. you can keep trying with the psychedelics, although i don't have much input in that regard. what i would suggest though is that you can definitely supplement a psychedelic routine with a number of daily habits that can help you connect with yourself. journalling comes to mind....it might make you aware of some of the things that you didn't even think were there. if you feel a lot of tension in your body, you might not know that there are ways to down-regulate this tension that will then help you access the underlying emotions. these are gonna be more of the uncomfortable ones (guilt, shame, fear, hatred, anger, despair, hopelessness, grief...) but accessing them temporarily - knowing that they can't kill you and they will pass - can open the door to other emotions (joy, desire, excitement, happiness, gratitude, hope, love, ....) as well. speaking of which, i wouldn't necessarily give up on therapy entirely, especially if you can afford it/insurance can cover it for you. sometimes it simply takes looking into a different approach or finding the right practicioner. if you have ptsd as a result of the abuse, have you ever looked into dbt?

it's good to hear that you seem to be finding your way:) take care!

i am thinking that i could start something (blog, website, IG) that's very low-level for the time being. but then there's the pressure of actually finding a company/website/IG account name....how do i come up with something i won't end up hating in case the vision crystallises and becomes clearer/more ambitious in the future? right now, that's holding me back a bit from simply trying things out, because it seems like i have to know exactly where i'm going, and i don't.

hurting myself is how i win arguments. that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship. it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.

@Majed how do you know that would work? maybe temporarily, but what happens then?