Judy2

hi there:) i dimly remember asking about this before, but can't remember the conclusion we came to. so i was vegan for six years and started eating eggs and dairy again two years ago. i eat dairy-based products mostly for protein, but usually gravitate toward the low-fat products. and i mean really low fat, sometimes the 0.1% (still single-ingredient and no added sugar). i eat other healthy fats from nuts and high-quality oils, but i've been wondering if swapping the dairy for higher fat varieties would be a good call? it's something i started wondering about because i consume a lot of artificial sweeteners, which are also low calorie but not necessarily healthy and i'm so used to the indigestion, but tbh my body doesn't exactly like them. they're still hard to cut out, though, but it's something i would like to work on. i'm sure i'd also be able to enjoy plain low fat yoghurt, but anyway, this still got me wondering about the fat percentage of choice. lower fat products are lower in calories, obviously, but i'm not sure if the swap to higher fat dairy would have a huge impact on my total caloric consumption in a day....i'd probably find ways to balance this out, although protein might be slightly lower overall, then? maybe not concerningly low, but a little bit? or maybe there are other concerns to be had with 3.5% yoghurt that i'm not even aware of? for example saturated vs unsaturated fats?

since this morning, my mind has wandered from thinking about how i should start planning my summer holiday, to thinking i need to find a new apartment, to eventually thinking that no, it's financial independence that i need, and i should really figure out my career asap. i can feel the hyper-activation in my system. ugh. and i thought i'd had a "better" day today....also because i'm hoping that's what i can tell my therapist on thursday, because that's what he wants to hear from me. he doesn't want to hear about my stress or anxiety...and then i feel anxious for feeling anxious, and if i'm anxious maybe i should be anxious, because look! - i'm anxious. anyway, a couple of good things have also occurred today, though: i kept reading my stalker romance, i wore a nice outfit that i really liked and i almost thought i looked kind of pretty, the neuroscience lecture was freaky (in a good way) when it made me aware of the Miracle that is my inner monologue (two weeks ago, it was freaky when i managed to willingly turn The Dress from white&gold to blue&black and back), and i did good for one 168th of the week by tutoring my favourite student so far, and that's the one hour of 'good' that i know i've done today. problem is, i always leave with such a weird feeling because the tutoring comes natural to me and has me in a very rare state of flow and self-sufficiency, and i know i am helping a teenage girl who seemingly appreciates my help and personality-wise we just get along and feel comfortable around each other:) but i feel stressed trying to figure out what that says about my career choices and how i can make more of this happen in a good, realistic way. ...i'm looking into becoming a substitute teacher alongside my studies next term, just to see what that's like....but i'm not sure about the exact framework in which i will feel best....maybe teaching 1:1 suits me better, after all? anyway, stresses me out to think about this. then this evening i put on a YouTube podcast that's too long and i feel obligated to listen to the end, so i'm trying to multitask now and channel my energy into a billion different directions, which is completely pointless but my body doesn't know how to stop doing it. and again, somehow i'm scared to press stop and sit in silence instead? sit with myself, be with myself? i also figured yesterday, when i tried to focus on my book and felt frustrated because i was too anxious to focus, that i've been training myself for a good decade or so that anxious overthinking is the right call, the right thing to do, that it's more important than focussing on books or other things...so of course it's uncomfortable to try and read that book anyway, if my mind is screaming at me to put it down and solve the real issues - only that i can't do that, either. ...and i suppose a great deal of the stress that i have been feeling still relates to the question of my self-image, and what it will become as i grow older. this is tough because during my teenage years (some very formative years that - under less adverse conditions - would have been the time to figure out who i am and what would become of me) the only thing that kept me alive was to focus on starving myself and being the thinnest girl in the room. the only goal i had defined in my head for myself was that being as ill as possible is good. i wouldn't want to change what i've been through, no, i like it that way. but it's tough now, to try and be healthy. it feels bad. especially when i see so many other people around me stuck with the same mindset i used to have. every tuesday i uncover a new fellow borderliner in class - not tough to spot when you know the drill.

i went for a morning run outside and managed 8km in 48 minutes (if the GPS on my phone is accurate at all, that is), which is my new personal record. i know people do run marathons and ultramarathons, but it's probably good for me to be able to be proud of my own progress:) the yellow rapeseed fields have been replaced by red poppy flowers by now, and in general, being out in nature is a healing influence i appreciate very much. looking at the grasses and wildflowers, and a little baby rabbit that ducked down and tugged in its ears when it saw me pass by. the airplanes in the sky above.

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off. and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

that sounds great so far

apart from the fact that i haven't had a lot of time lately, i have noticed some hesitancy when it comes to posting...i feel a bit out of place, like it's bad to express myself. regardless, i figured i'd give it a go now and share a thing that's been on my mind lately. as i mentioned before, i am currently doing a very short term therapy with a systemic therapist. the therapist seemed cool in the beginning, but from the sessions i've had with him, something just feels off and the entire project seems a bit pointless. talking about problems doesn't really help. i don't even get what his approach with me is, because it seems like he has no approach at all, or certainly not a very effective one. anyway, i've noticed this rather interesting pattern that every time he says something like "i worry about you" or "it's sad that you feel that way about yourself", i can't take it seriously at all. in fact, i tend to almost feel amused at the situation, because his attempts at validating my experience and parroting back at me the things that i reported experiencing ("i can see that you are experiencing a lot of stress right now, and this is a new situation, ...") just seem so fake. he's getting paid to say that, or he says that because he wants to manipulate me into somehow changing my emotional state, and i'm not buying it. not sure if this is about me or the therapist. he asks regularly "and how does that make you feel?" and the only answer that ever comes to mind for me is "it's okay". i feel like i have to say "it's okay" to everything, because i've been blamed before for all the times i said things weren't okay when i was in therapy...or when i was simply talking to friends and they found my negativity off-putting. ...and also because every time i am honest and tell him what isn't okay, i'm being blamed for it, at least implicitly. so by now, i've considered keeping certain things to myself because this practitioner seems to lack the neutrality to handle these things without ever so slightly adding to the problem? not sure if this is the point, and he'd think that what is being triggered in the therapeutic relationship should occur exactly like that, too.... i don't know.

@UnbornTao ok, thanks:)

i feel a little offended because now i'm not even granted access to files i personally wrote on this very device.

@Natasha Tori Maruyes, it's basically embedded in my Files Explorer now, if you mean that? but now everything is really messy, i can't move entire folders without stuff getting lost, i can't open some very important documents anymore, even though they were saved on my desktop.

thanks:) not a bad idea

i made some progress and now i have both OneDrive accounts running, but it's still stupid because my files are scattered all over the place and it's tough to know where they are saved. sometimes they're saved in two locations but not always, so i can't just delete folders.

@glassfireidk if that fixes the problem...maybe a part of it.

oh no

@UnbornTaoeven if i don't, idk how to stop the files in use from being saved to the private OneDrive, or how to get my existing files off of there. just this error message popping up on my screen every time i want to save a document is super stressful.