Judy2

i thought about it recently, that i wouldn't want a life where i couldn't feel sadness, anger, fear. i want to feel all those things, of course...but then when i do, it's usually too much, too heavy, in a way.

i had my iron infusion today, so now i can say that i have been properly infused with iron... i'll have to see what i can do to stop this from needing to happen again. the needle was quite scary. i hate needles.... there's no way i'm ever gonna become a heroin addict or anything like that in this lifetime, i think, because it's so freaky when they pierce into the vein...yikes. the nurse thought it was funny that i am so squeamish and sensitive, and it made me think that i used to be much more scared in general, but apparently there's still some authentic fearfulness left to my personality. in fact, i pondered, i cover pretty much all the basics when it comes to fears: i've got moderate levels of claustrophobia, fear of heights, darkness, exams and presentations, spiders, moths and other insects, drowning. my fear of drowning is funny because i still like to dive/swim underwater for long distances until i have to come up to catch my breath...but i still have all these movie scenes in mind where people go scuba diving in a cave, get stuck and drown.. so that's the scenario i'm scared of, though it's quite unlikely this will ever happen to me. i don't swim in lakes, either, because i'm scared a fish could eat me. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_phobias

you made it sound like you're like 80 lol. why not make this a "for now" decision, rather than a "forever" decision?

i was as pathetic as to go through some old photo albums, while i was still at the house - and i found one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen: my mum holding my brother in her arms, when he was still a toddler, and they were both smiling so wide. i hadn't been born yet when the picture was taken, and it's funny to see that version of my mum, and even funnier to think that there was a version of my brother that i've never met in person, even though he's been there all my life... anyway, most beautiful picture on this planet, as of now. can't wait to have one of me holding my own child.

i've been dreaming for four nights in a row that i'm still in high school and i'll have to take my A-levels all over again. jesus, lol. my theory is that this isn't just mental pressure, though? sometimes you still feel your body in bed while dreaming and if it's uncomfortable during sleep, the brain tends to weave that into your dreams. happens a lot for me, anyway.

i correct my statement...this isn't just sad, it's extremely sad. to be staying at a house that two people who loved each other have made a home and lived in until they died. i wanna take EVERYTHING and take it home with me, or else it'll all go to waste. i want my grandma to know that i care about her belongings, and i see the love attached to them. her little spoons and trays and picture frames, the sun magnet in the kitchen,... maybe it's a bit shallow that this is all tied to objects now. i have little to remember them both by, anyway...except this house, which i seem to know inside out, now that i'm here again. or maybe i'm just sad for my childhood, at this point, more than i am for the loss of my grandparents - i've made peace with that a long time ago.

i'm at my late grandparents' house now, and it is much sadder than expected. it's such a lovely home, with so many details, so much love put into it. in a lovely town, too. and we'll just have to tear it all down (only metaphorically speaking, in this case) and abandon it. guess i'm also exhausted from the train ride, which was much longer than planned because someone committed suicide on the tracks, so we had to re-route. i had planned to leave again tomorrow, but i think i'll stay for two nights, maybe go shopping and walk around town tomorrow, visit the graveyard.... and appreciate this place one last time? the funny thing is, i was expecting zero emotionality, but now it sort of hit me. i guess i didn't even remember all the things i could miss here, and now i immersed myself right in them - to stir it all up and miss it even more after that, i guess? it's been ages since the last time i was here. i was like 16, and that was just for one day, we didn't even stay the night. it does feel sad, to stay here, now....knowing it'll all be gone right after.

sounds good:)

okay, i get that i hope future generations figure out how to resolve this issue. it affects a lot of people, from what i have heard.

this afternoon, my mum and brother came by and picked me up to drive to grandma's. the car ride felt surprisingly positive, almost like those times all those years back when my brother and i were still kids and mum drove us on the same route to get to her parents' house for the summer holidays. we chatted and joked, and these moments of connection felt good. once we arrived - a few hours later than planned - i got to work in the kitchen straight away to prepare a late brithday cake for my mum. a Charlotte Royale. very stressful, but i guess i wanted a challenge:) tomorrow, i'll have to work for a little bit, finish the cake, and then i can relax for the rest of the weekend.

is she happy with her job, overall? does it seem meaningful to her despite the stress?

i'm friends with a few doctors and they are all completely overworked - even when pregnant. some of them become ill because of their night shifts or are close to burnout. therefore, i think a key aspect of reforming the health system should entail prioritising the health of the nurses and doctors that the system itself is comprised of...otherwise, it's just completely backwards, to keep a "health care system" running at the expense of people's health. another aspect should be making more time for proper doctor-patient-interactions. most doctors enter the profession with a great deal of idealism and they would like to make more time, it's just that the system makes it really hard for them to do so. i spoke with an orthopedist a few days ago and he seemed quite competent, but he was in the room with me for about 3 minutes and had to run off before he could properly explain to me what's wrong with my legs. i do believe that 3 minutes were enough for him to form an impression, but it was not enough to explain to me what was going on, and he was in such a rush that he wrote down an incorrect diagnosis on my letter (something to do with the shoulders, rather than the legs). there were four rooms and i think he had to rush through them in 4-minute-intervals all day.

i feel sad and heavy. i am worried - overthinking too much... cause i'm unhappy and i want to know how to solve it. kind of depressing to see how much i can try to solve it, and nothing good ever comes of it. not in the long run, anyway. in the long run, i always fall back to "what the hell am i even doing here".

maybe bored is the wrong word. i've been having pms and feeling down for days. don't quite know whether to force myself to get up and do something, or allow myself to take things slow. either way, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. i feel so low, and nothing i try seems to change that, for now. my head spins some weird stories and occasionally interjects "i don't want to live any more", even though i know i don't mean it.

the pathways are getting more and more familiar to your brain/mind. once you have found them, it's a whole lot easier to find them again and again, retracing and deepening them.