Judy2

@Rishabh Rthe way i understand it, Leo claims that it's Truth and Love that fuel those values you just listed. they may be more specific, but are still a manifestation of Truth and Love. that being said, of course resilience, tranquillity and connection are good values to have - especially if they feel more specific, thus more relatable and implementable to you:) personally, i find truth and love a little abstract at times, too....and then it's labels such as compassion or trust that resonate a lot more.

♥️

...still so confusing. on the one hand, i am glad that i am finally processing this, and it feels promising to be experiencing such a shift. that's cool. on the other hand, the sadness feels very real, and i wasn't prepared for this. maybe i do want to be comforted now, vicariously for my past self, after all. and not just by myself. maybe i want people to know that i'm sad so that they can comfort me. i had to deal with recovery all on my own, i had no real support, didn't want it cause the prospect seemed so triggering. someone could have said one wrong thing and it would have all collapsed. but maybe i don't want to be all alone with the things i feel now, at the very least. maybe i deserve to share that i feel sad.

♡

i remember last year, when i was at the DBT clinic, and i sat at the table crying, because i'd remembered my dissociations that i had around the time frame shown in the pictures. maybe i felt compassion then, too. but it was also very confusing.

"i have a lot of compassion for my past self." i guess this is progress, but it's SO confusing. there we have it. i would have hated myself for saying that a couple years ago. would have thought it sounds so arrogant. now it feels warm, steady. trusting? something like that, i can't think of the right word. it feels like i'm doing the right, gentle thing.

apparently, now i feel sadness or compassion for my past self? which is something i've never felt before. feels very weird, to say i have compassion for my past self. cause i'm here and i could hold myself, but i can't go back and comfort her now. so what do i do with this feeling?

okay, last comment on this topic: i changed my mind. those pics are hard to look at. i guess what sucks is that i survived this, and now i'd expect myself to be doing brilliant in life, which simply isn't the case. that's something i hardly ever hear anyone talk about when it comes to recovery. there's this implicit assumption (that i assume people have), that you only recover when things are good. (it's what actively kept me from attempting recovery for many years - feeling as though people would misunderstand that part, and how hurt i would feel because of that.) usually, it's the opposite. being healthy feels SO much harder than "simply" (not easily, but simply) being ill. because success or happiness are so abstract, so vague, so undefined. it was easy when happiness was (simply) defined as being as ill as possible, weighing as little as possible, eating as little as possible. Life, in all its facets, is so much more complicated, so confusing. it was easy to live in this weird world that i had explicitly defined for myself as "not real life", where i could safely live in dreams and fantasies...and now i'm living life, i knew it would be hard, and it is indeed hard. and i don't know at what point it will start feeling like choosing this was worth it. i have compassion for my past self and who i was back then. i know she felt very, very deeply about things♡ now i'm crying. in a good way, though.

i wore one of my favourite outfits today and felt very good and comfortable because of it: a dark blue skirt with a white shirt tugged in, plus my pearl earrings and my hair down.

yes, i can see that. that's also why i say maybe the label "trauma" ultimately invites confabulation, which may only re-enact the traumatic blueprint (which may be distinct from the confabulated memory) rather than resolve it. there are documented cases of people confabulating stories of abuse in therapy. every memory i have of my childhood is, at this point, probably only a memory of a memory of a memory - with slight alterations happening along the way. so they probably consist of imagination more than real memories, by now. trippy to think about, for sure. i've tried for a long time to recover some big, traumatic memory...and i don't think it's the way to go. i can be at peace, not knowing exactly what happened.....and just accept the mystery. the past is a funny thing, though:) still interesting to think about, and interesting to see how we relate to it in the present. Thank you! i wish you the best, too:)

ok:)

how do you deal with your trauma?

i'm curious about this concept....maybe a little wary of it, though. is your awareness of trauma meant to justify and/or explain present dysfunctions/suffering? how does the awareness of trauma help reduce suffering, in your opinion? or is that not even the goal? just trying to understand:) i have a book on trauma and its impact on attachment styles sitting on my nightstand and plan to read it as soon as i am done with my exams this summer.

i think i've even noticed an increase in happiness over the last couple of weeks - which is why it got me thinking more about those moments that still feel 'off'. parents: i hide vulnerable feelings from them most of the time because showing them can lead to dynamics that only produce more uncomfortable feelings. friends: mixed. sometimes, i feel comfortable expressing both honest joy/excitement and honest fear/frustration/you name it. other times, not so much. maybe it depends on how superficial those emotions are and how safe i feel in that moment. i think it worked a little differently for me, but i see what you mean:)