Judy2

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies. Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat. What dread hand? & what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what dread grasp. Dare its deadly terrors clasp? When the stars threw down their spears And water'd heaven with their tears: Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee? Tyger Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night: What immortal hand or eye, Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

sometime in December, when i was little, grandma was staying with my parents, my brother and i. one afternoon, she dragged me to the train station. i was so young, i didn't even get the objective and thought it was just a walk. then i saw a man with a cap, pointed at him and told my grandma "look! that man looks just like grandpa!" and she yelled with joy, "yes, that's him!".

still feeling bored, so i started rewatching Downton Abbey. it's messing with my head a little and has me wanting to speak in a posh accent even more than usual. good heavens. i also pulled out my late grandma's iron and ironing board to iron some clothes and a piece of fabric i would like to embroider on. i hope she is looking down on me to see that her possessions are still appreciated even after she is gone....and i think of her, and how these used to be some of the objects her daily life centred around. at first, it felt a bit vulgar to ask my parents to bring me these objects from the house, but now i feel that this is a legitimate way of honouring Hannelore. i feel more connected to her now than i had felt during those fifteen years when she was still alive, but comatose.

ok i didn't know that. thank you.

the website does explain some terms and phrases, but i feel like these explanations themselves need some explaining. thank you, though:) that sounds a little more optimistic.

there is no such thing. i believe the office is not even allowed to answer explicit questions to help with the forms. if you ask a single question, you have to wait for weeks and receive a letter to inform you about that. i guess the office has to stay "neutral". an accountant would charge me 300-500€, and i barely make enough to even have to pay taxes.

i meant: brains consist of fat and water. (plus some sugar and protein).

your brain is also fat (and water).

Every time I try to fill in a form for my taxes, I am astonished that these forms are even legal. I finished high school with the equivalent of a 4.0 GPA and went on to university. And still, I have no idea what they are even asking, what legal paragraphs they are referring to, or what half of these words mean...and I relied on ChatGPT for at least half the form. Is that smart? - No. Can I afford an accountant? - No. How is this possible? There are people in this country, I assume, who are less intelligent or educated than myself - how can we expect these people to even remotely understand what the government wants them to fill in on these forms, when even someone with a good education can't understand??? Why are we making taxes so difficult, why can't the state just ask normal questions without using complicated technical terms and figure the rest out for themselves?

i am trying really hard to figure out an appropriate response lol. thank you, but i don't want anyone thinking that lemons work on me?

i'm not really happy today. i was happy for a very brief moment, after speaking with a doctor who was quite kind and who wrote me a letter so that i can have my legs checked by an orthopedist (because of my shin splints). then i went to a yoga class, which was very frustrating. it's supposed to be for beginners, but it was all way too fast, i hate how i'm supposed to listen to the whole "right arm to the left, left leg to the right, then up..." ... for a whole hour, do the exercises while watching the instructor (when the poses involve bending my head...)...and i feel judged by the instructor whenever i don't manage or when i'm out of balance and not stable enough. i went home, i feel so bored and lonely, all my friends are on holiday....i haven't properly connected with anyone in weeks. in the evening, i pushed myself to go outside again, but there were too many people and i felt very annoyed. probably pms. i'm kind of depressed now. bored and stressed. there are a handful of things to do, including my tax report and some applications, and it's all very frustrating because they seem to be never-ending projects that i can never quite get over with. everything feels pointless, i spend too much time thinking about money, which is completely useless and not even helpful in any way. ugh. body image also sucks - funny how that can change in just 1 day.

okay, i'm glad... when i posted this, i wasn't sure if it was cringe enough. ...this would be fire to watch on lsd, though.

these past few days, body image has been a little better than usual. i have had the time to go to the gym more consistently, and i also challenged myself to go to some yoga classes. there are a handful of things about the setting of a yoga class that make me deeply uncomfortable, but in general this has felt like doing something good for me and my body.

if you have experienced affective instabilities before (the diagnosis schizoaffective disorder suggests you have), how do you think these intersect with schizophrenia (or the psychotic elements of schizophrenia)? where does one end, where does the other begin? can they be conceptually separated (based solely on your experience), or are they homogeneously intertwined?

there's something painful that happened more than two years ago, and for some reason i am thinking about it more than usual these days. it makes me sad. and i don't know what to do, other than to wait and sit with the pain. which feels quite horrible. i know that, at the time, i was trying quite desperately to get rid of the emotions i felt, to resolve them, somehow, but i couldn't. this resulted in a collection of neat little scars on my thigh...much neater, much more orderly, than the situation that had led up to them. it sucks, being wiser now, perhaps. knowing that i cannot call or text a soul on this planet to feel better, to fix what happened, to undo it. and more scars will not help me, either. all i can do is sit with the pain, and let it be. which is quite a dissatisfying state....because what happens next? it's so torturous to wait, and wait, and wait....and things get neither better nor worse. i know that for a long time i had to make them worse, just to feel like i was doing something about it.