Judy2

@ZenAlex how's your social life and what activities do you fill your days with?

where does your definition of whole foods start and end? if it's one-ingredient nut butter, does that still count, or is it already too processed? what about protein powder? at the moment, i'm mostly whole food vegetarian, but i guess depending on the definitions of the above maybe not really?

still feeling very triggered and anxious. it's the amount of difficult circumstances arising that are not as easy to smooth out as i'd hope them to be, and how all of that is building up and accumulating, that is making this quite stressful. i'll go to the gym this morning and try to explore my surroundings a bit, and then stick to healthy routines (reading, studying) to fill the day - but the noises around me and a couple of technical issues are making things tougher than they should be right now. and again, it's just how everything amasses that feels very destabilising. ugh. there's so much anxiety i just can't release.

emotional regulation has been tough these past few days. i'm writing this down for myself, to recognise what's going on and that it may boil down to having to build up just a litttle bit more tolerance for sitting with the discomfort. it's also odd, because i tend to think i should push myself to be more active in the world, have more stuff on my schedule, be less hesitant about going places i've never been before....but when i do, it turns out my personality also isn't quite made for this, and i still have a high need for safety, routine, stability - which is itself, rather paradoxically, something i don't always know how to honour. anyway, i've also been feeling a little guilty for how these dysregulated, intense emotions show in my interactions with other people. my mum had to stand me being unbearably irritated and angry for the better half of the day yesterday, which i think was just my way of covering up all the underlying fear, anxiety, vulnerability .... i think she knows that, and i did my best to thank her for her support in a quieter moment, but still....can't really tell how to make up for it. given the fact that i just moved to a new city to start studying at a new university, i obviously can't help but draw certain parallels to the June of 2020, and how that went down. at the time, i did not have an inch of brain space left for reflecting on this, but now it hits me all the more, and i can't think about it for too long when i realise how horrible it must have been for my mother, how she must have cried alone feeling utterly helpless when my brother drove off with me, and i was in such a condition that i am pretty sure she had serious doubts she would ever see me alive again. she never cried in front of me then, and i didn't have the slightest capacity to imagine her crying....but i'm pretty sure she did, and if it had been me, i think i could not have stood it the way she did.

*super stressed out.

despite the physical exhaustion from the day, i didn't exactly sleep well. i woke up at 1 and lay awake for an annoyingly long amount of time. when i finally slept, i had some weird nightmarish sleep-paralysis and felt like i was being strangled, probably because my airways are still blocked from the flu i've had these past few weeks. today's also starting off a bit more stressful than i would have wanted it to be. i am trying my best to settle into empowering, positive new routines, though.

...i'm scared.

i moved into my new apartment in the new city today. to say it's been mega-stressful isn't even exaggerating it. first, the drive with my mum. then, navigating the new city (which is larger than expected, but also quite beautiful from what i can tell), getting the keys, carrying all my stuff inside, going shopping for some things i need here...and then tidying up for a couple of hours after mum left. it's also quite triggering to be moving somewhere new. i guess it has to do with identity, and this question of who i'll be here. moving somewhere new is also triggering for the ed because i always have to ask myself how the new environment will affect my relationship with food - for better or for worse. could elaborate because i think it would be interesting for some people to read what dynamics i mean exactly - but i don't have the energy right now. for now, i'll just try to get settled, allow myself to start feeling a bit hopeful, and force myself to go to some party this evening.

yes, holistic.

yes, i only read the title and thought, you have to be even smarter to push past that. it's probably also about multi-dimensional intelligence that is able to synthesise intellect, emotion, and other factors.

@Natasha Tori Maru yes, i might do that, thank you! you work in administration? i read my new lease last week and found it really frustrating how they listed all eventualities. very glad not to be a law student lol:)

maybe this is the wrong section and needs to be moved elsewhere

i'm looking into getting liability insurance and they sent me eleven attachments in the email, including a very specific list of all the things they would and wouldn't cover in case something happens. do i have to read all of that, or is it enough to simply read the part with the yearly fee, how long the contract lasts, etc.?

strange weekend. my parents are away and i have the house to myself, but cannot fully savour the peace because i am packing and anxiously awaiting what will happen to me next week. i am also battling this weird shift from stress and hyper-activation to utter boredom. it's so odd, because in stressful situations (i.e., around my parents), the anxiety is so strong it makes me lose sight of things and just wish to be rid of them - but once they leave, i am thrown back to myself, and that brings a whole different kind of discomfort, a whole different set of challenges - unbearable quiet. i have been trying to keep myself busy and be productive, and generally, these past three days, i have been doing a good job at that - but i am still noticing the challenge. it's also giving me a little too much time to introspect. i feel anxious, worried - and i have serious concerns that i will not feel comfortable, nor safe, in my new apartment. at the same time, i am really looking forward to building new friendships and having meaningful studies to focus on. i've been previewing some of the areas of study i will have to spend a lot of time on, and honestly found myself enjoying the organised study - in a way, studying is so simple because it's just learning, without needing to write my own thesis, make up my own mind, or worry about making decisions for myself. i'm just there to absorb and understand whatever the prof is telling me, and that, i can work with. so that's the positive side of this and it needs to be appreciated, too:) then, lastly - and i am trying to refute the thought, but - my age is also an increasingly stressful consideration. i am turning 24 soon and from time to time, i still feel a little ashamed for having taken my time in life. the wiser part of me has made peace with it, has understood that the "wasted" five and a half years i spent on my first degree were, apparently, also necessary for me to reach a certain maturity, and while my brother is on schedule with his PhD, i have been slowed down by serious health problems that he has never had. besides, it could be worse; i could be stuck at home feeling miserable at 24, or unable to work. at least i am able to do stuff, at least i have some kind of vision for myself now. ...so yeah, mentally i have prepared myself to answer the question about my comparatively advanced age by saying how it's an advantage and i needed to take my time to learn some lessons - but honestly, i still feel shitty about it, at least sometimes. 24 sounds SO OLD. need to get my skin-care in check lol. - anyway, i guess both sentiments are allowed to coexist, too, and i wanted to outline them both here.

okay, now the excitement is back: i am pretty happy that i get to study psychology, after all. it does (absolutely) feel like the right fit.