Judy2

i feel like i have talked about this one too many times, and i've considered making a whole thread to ask and try to understand more about it, but for now just a quick note here: i am still thinking about this time when i was 18 (for context, my BMI was getting close to 10 and it was a very intense time for me both mentally, physically - and, apparently, existentially) and had a spiritual experience...still trying to make sense of it. now that i think of it, i believe it was paired with both dissociative and psychotic symptoms? the dissociation, i have figured out about 10 months back, but the psychotic element only occurred to me this morning when i was reminded of some very strange mental associations i was spinning back then. not sure if much "spiritual" remains if we have to subtract so many other factors, but weirdly, i feel these aspects do not negate the spiritual nature of the experience, either. because if that wasn't awakening (explosive unity), i don't know what is. i suppose it just goes to show the layers of complexity present in that scenario, and how the mental, physical, and spiritual are all intertwined, affecting each other in weirdly synergetic ways at that particularly intense moment in my life. just thought i would write this down.....mostly just for myself.

i thought i'd beaten the anxiety but now it's back and it feels so strong and real

in the past month or so, i got in the habit of deliberately imagining best-case scenarios. usually i do worst-case scenarios....and it's been tough, but i really pushed myself to do that, especially when waiting for critical feedback from uni and so on. overall, i think i felt quite proud and happy when i managed... but ahhh, right now it's tough. but it will also stop being that way and start feeling easier soon. it may just be an emotional weekend or something.

i'm moving to the new city next week and also getting a new phone at the same time - which, somehow, is a destabilising combination for me. it's been a stressful few weeks - months, really - leading up to this, with tons of planning, back and forth, emails, phone calls, anxiously waiting (that one was tough), two 2-week trips to different cities for internships, all the while getting things in order for my graduation, planning to move somewhere else, and then the spontaneous news that i can start at the new uni. this evening, i started packing and now i am starting to feel scared, if i am being honest. mostly about the new flat. my new "unscared" kind of mentality goes, you know what, i can just look for a nicer flat after the term is over, if i don't like this one. but still, it's scary, because suddenly there's so much going on in my life. apparently, i choose this over the discomfort of suffering and feeling lonely and useless in my comfort zone where i sit inside all day - but it's still odd and novel to me to actually interact with the world and deal with all the challenges thrown my way as i am tackling this step by step. i've also started having good moments earlier today, when i could finally imagine how all this will go in a positive light - but yeah, there is definitely both, and right now the anxiety is more dominant. i'll just hold on a little bit and i am sure the excitement will come back eventually:)

even if someone got a tattoo while emotionally unstable (this is in fact common with bpd), there's no telling if they have recovered since then by looking at them. they might just be all the wiser for it.

you need a good balance between short-term and long-term planning to optimise both short-term and long-term fulfilment, even though happiness can only ever be experienced now. which is not to say that a change in long term plans (e.g. a terminal diagnosis) wouldn't change how you spend your last days.

hi:) can you explain that to me? since i'm currently trying to adjust my training plan and have been thinking about the difference there. i generally like training with the machines because the feel i have for my body isn't super steady, so i like being guided a little bit with the movements. it feels like there's less room to make mistakes that way.

oh, okay. walks might be a nice way to start.

why do you not want to exercise? it definitely has benefits for both mental and physical well-being, plus it raises your overall caloric needs, if that's what you're after. why live a life where you move as little as possible? it can be very fulfilling to engage physically with the world - it's also what your body's made for. if you have some sort of exercise trauma from school - i do, and i still hate team sports - you can experiment a little with other forms of exercise to find the right fit for you that's pleasurable and truly feels good in the moment.

i haven't read the other suggestions yet, but i would say it comes down to practice, and, crucially, letting yourself express freely. a little anecdote is that my language-learning progress (in French and Italian) improved significantly once i allowed myself to talk and write EXPECTING to make mistakes. i believe it could be similar with learning to express yourself more concisely in your own mother tongue. up until i did this, the things i was capable of doing and saying correctly were being inhibited by my fear of making mistakes, so even the things i could express correctly weren't being practised as much - conversely, if you allow yourself to make mistakes, you can really internalise (and even start to recognise) the things you are already good at AND make mistakes that lead to questions ("let me look that up in a dictionary"/"let me research that") and ultimately solutions. = progress. related to this issue specifically, i would also just begin by simply articulating your own mental process (images, words) and laying these out step by step for the people you are trying to communicate with. this is how i would approach teaching/tutoring most of the time: to simply describe to the students what steps my own brain goes through when tackling a certain issue, whether that's grammar or anything else.

okay, like usual i don't feel much smarter than i felt before posting. guess it comes down to trial and error, finding a system/structure that works for me personally. also, if anyone's curious, at this point my sort of philosophy in regards to this is to find an approach that doesn't stick to neither of the two extremes (tracking everything vs. being completely intuitive), but to hover somewhere in the middle and experiment with incremental changes in either direction to see what is really helpful for me long-term. i am also trying to recontextualise the term "restriction" for myself, because there's honestly some kind of trauma attached to it given my past, but maybe restriction can also be gentle and supportive (rather than punitive and extreme) if it is done out of self-love and with a long-term, holistic view in mind. i definitely like the idea of sticking mainly to whole foods. right now, i'm vegetarian (not sure if that will change back to being vegan in the future, but for now this is where i am at), focussing on balanced meals leaning a bit more toward high-protein; i eat a lot of fruit and veg because i genuinely enjoy it; and i'm guilty of using artificial sweeteners, at least for now. a humble "i don't know", "i'm still figuring it out", "i will figure it out" is the most gentle approach i can stick with for now. it may still be ignorant in some ways, but apparently, with all things in life, i have to be ignorant somewhere, so why not there, if i promise to take care of myself and figure it out. thanks everyone for your replies! keep the answers coming in, if you still want to - it's still interesting to read everybody's thoughts on this:)

@integral you're touching on something interesting there. i find the shift in state from before eating vs after to be one of the toughest parts of eating to navigate (as someone with eating disorder history), and i don't see a lot of people talking about how this shift in state (which is significant once you start paying attention) is even a thing. do you eat meat or are you vegetarian? and how do you think plant foods vs eggs/dairy vs meat impact your state?

have you never tried tofu? i'd recommend you give it a go, but you need a proper recipe or buy smoked/pre-seasoned tofu.

@UnbornTao have you done any research on full-fat vs low-fat dairy, or is that just a personal preference? i have been having a lot of low-fat dairy (for protein) since i stopped being vegan, but i have been thinking that it would be better for me to diversify my (vegetarian) protein sources and have a balance of soy/other legumes/dairy for protein, because it might be better for my hormones. my skin is affected by the dairy, i think. not that you asked:) it's just something i've been thinking about. you're doing well with the legumes, though! most people neglect them, but they're affordable and recommended for longevity. lots of fibre, too:)

soooo... if all goes well, i'll officially be a psychology student in a couple of weeks. i haven't really allowed myself to get excited about this because the organisational side of things is a bit rough and stressful at the moment. in the past few weeks, i have been challenging myself a lot to be mobile, active, alive in the world....to walk the extra mile through unsafe, uncomfortable territory whenever i got the chance; to write countless applications, emails, make phone calls,.... and i have been feeling more grown up, more mature, balanced, nuanced, for sure. but the stress has also been building up quite a bit to the degree that i experienced some rather forceful releases yesterday and also this morning. right now, i am in this weird, activated mind-space where i feel like i should do, do, do - except it's time to rest now, and i can't really wind down, i feel a bit agitated, too unsafe to rest.... oh, well. but i thought i'd share the news and allow myself to start getting excited about this:)