Judy2

this afternoon, my mum and brother came by and picked me up to drive to grandma's. the car ride felt surprisingly positive, almost like those times all those years back when my brother and i were still kids and mum drove us on the same route to get to her parents' house for the summer holidays. we chatted and joked, and these moments of connection felt good. once we arrived - a few hours later than planned - i got to work in the kitchen straight away to prepare a late brithday cake for my mum. a Charlotte Royale. very stressful, but i guess i wanted a challenge:) tomorrow, i'll have to work for a little bit, finish the cake, and then i can relax for the rest of the weekend.

is she happy with her job, overall? does it seem meaningful to her despite the stress?

i'm friends with a few doctors and they are all completely overworked - even when pregnant. some of them become ill because of their night shifts or are close to burnout. therefore, i think a key aspect of reforming the health system should entail prioritising the health of the nurses and doctors that the system itself is comprised of...otherwise, it's just completely backwards, to keep a "health care system" running at the expense of people's health. another aspect should be making more time for proper doctor-patient-interactions. most doctors enter the profession with a great deal of idealism and they would like to make more time, it's just that the system makes it really hard for them to do so. i spoke with an orthopedist a few days ago and he seemed quite competent, but he was in the room with me for about 3 minutes and had to run off before he could properly explain to me what's wrong with my legs. i do believe that 3 minutes were enough for him to form an impression, but it was not enough to explain to me what was going on, and he was in such a rush that he wrote down an incorrect diagnosis on my letter (something to do with the shoulders, rather than the legs). there were four rooms and i think he had to rush through them in 4-minute-intervals all day.

i feel sad and heavy. i am worried - overthinking too much... cause i'm unhappy and i want to know how to solve it. kind of depressing to see how much i can try to solve it, and nothing good ever comes of it. not in the long run, anyway. in the long run, i always fall back to "what the hell am i even doing here".

maybe bored is the wrong word. i've been having pms and feeling down for days. don't quite know whether to force myself to get up and do something, or allow myself to take things slow. either way, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. i feel so low, and nothing i try seems to change that, for now. my head spins some weird stories and occasionally interjects "i don't want to live any more", even though i know i don't mean it.

the pathways are getting more and more familiar to your brain/mind. once you have found them, it's a whole lot easier to find them again and again, retracing and deepening them.

i feel very empty, and bored.

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies. Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat. What dread hand? & what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what dread grasp. Dare its deadly terrors clasp? When the stars threw down their spears And water'd heaven with their tears: Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee? Tyger Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night: What immortal hand or eye, Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

sometime in December, when i was little, grandma was staying with my parents, my brother and i. one afternoon, she dragged me to the train station. i was so young, i didn't even get the objective and thought it was just a walk. then i saw a man with a cap, pointed at him and told my grandma "look! that man looks just like grandpa!" and she yelled with joy, "yes, that's him!".

still feeling bored, so i started rewatching Downton Abbey. it's messing with my head a little and has me wanting to speak in a posh accent even more than usual. good heavens. i also pulled out my late grandma's iron and ironing board to iron some clothes and a piece of fabric i would like to embroider on. i hope she is looking down on me to see that her possessions are still appreciated even after she is gone....and i think of her, and how these used to be some of the objects her daily life centred around. at first, it felt a bit vulgar to ask my parents to bring me these objects from the house, but now i feel that this is a legitimate way of honouring Hannelore. i feel more connected to her now than i had felt during those fifteen years when she was still alive, but comatose.

ok i didn't know that. thank you.

the website does explain some terms and phrases, but i feel like these explanations themselves need some explaining. thank you, though:) that sounds a little more optimistic.

there is no such thing. i believe the office is not even allowed to answer explicit questions to help with the forms. if you ask a single question, you have to wait for weeks and receive a letter to inform you about that. i guess the office has to stay "neutral". an accountant would charge me 300-500€, and i barely make enough to even have to pay taxes.

i meant: brains consist of fat and water. (plus some sugar and protein).

your brain is also fat (and water).