Judy2

i wore one of my favourite outfits today and felt very good and comfortable because of it: a dark blue skirt with a white shirt tugged in, plus my pearl earrings and my hair down.

yes, i can see that. that's also why i say maybe the label "trauma" ultimately invites confabulation, which may only re-enact the traumatic blueprint (which may be distinct from the confabulated memory) rather than resolve it. there are documented cases of people confabulating stories of abuse in therapy. every memory i have of my childhood is, at this point, probably only a memory of a memory of a memory - with slight alterations happening along the way. so they probably consist of imagination more than real memories, by now. trippy to think about, for sure. i've tried for a long time to recover some big, traumatic memory...and i don't think it's the way to go. i can be at peace, not knowing exactly what happened.....and just accept the mystery. the past is a funny thing, though:) still interesting to think about, and interesting to see how we relate to it in the present. Thank you! i wish you the best, too:)

ok:)

how do you deal with your trauma?

i'm curious about this concept....maybe a little wary of it, though. is your awareness of trauma meant to justify and/or explain present dysfunctions/suffering? how does the awareness of trauma help reduce suffering, in your opinion? or is that not even the goal? just trying to understand:) i have a book on trauma and its impact on attachment styles sitting on my nightstand and plan to read it as soon as i am done with my exams this summer.

i think i've even noticed an increase in happiness over the last couple of weeks - which is why it got me thinking more about those moments that still feel 'off'. parents: i hide vulnerable feelings from them most of the time because showing them can lead to dynamics that only produce more uncomfortable feelings. friends: mixed. sometimes, i feel comfortable expressing both honest joy/excitement and honest fear/frustration/you name it. other times, not so much. maybe it depends on how superficial those emotions are and how safe i feel in that moment. i think it worked a little differently for me, but i see what you mean:)

yes, i remember. i thought of that recently because there's a situation where i considered implementing your advice.

healthy bmi.

it's okay that i'm sad. maybe it's necessary.

i feel so sad now, and i don't even know why.

now i wanna cry....these pictures have so much to do with how i see myself, deep down, and i'm kind of sad that no one else ever saw me like that, or took care of me when i was going through that. i probably would have felt triggered af if someone had been there to talk to me during that time, but still. it kind of sucks knowing i'm the only one who saw me go through every minuscule detail of that experience, and bystanders didn't even know half the story. they saw how skinny i was with clothes on, but they never saw me naked and from every angle, the way i wanted them to, maybe. i took thousands of pictures during that time.

eventually, i got one random bruise in my face, i didn't know where from. and i remember having a nosebleed. and barely having the energy to get up to use the bathroom, or open doors.

now's the time of the year again when my photos app keeps showing me pictures from six years ago, when i was at my lowest weight. june and july were the lowest. i briefly look, then click away, but i still feel a desire to share these pictures with someone, cause that time was intense and i went through it all on my own.