Judy2

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self. so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me • cooking • nutrition • writing • English • French • exercise • criminal/forensic psychology • psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way. there we have that word again: trust. duh!

i don't think psychology is the wrong subject for me at all - it obviously interests me, and i've been thinking for years that i wanna study it. this is just such a huge, scary shift in identity. and i'm just not sure if this is all a little too meta for me?... if i can handle sitting next to skin-picking girls and anorexic boys every day, if i can handle letting go of my own desire to be the SICKEST, do a 180 and suddenly be the one showing others how not to be sick. that is confusing af.

we spent the day celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday and i got to spend time with my brother. i'm very proud of him and that i get to be his little sister ♡ we meet rarely enough for me to be able to idealise him completely, and he's like the only person i am more than proud to call my relative. he turned out gorgeous - much better than me. i still notice that i feel SO MUCH INSECURITY though; such confusion about who i am and what i should do and where i am going. which is like, to a somewhat abnormal extent with me, i would say. part of the bpd.... and it feels validating to be able to say that this experience, this lost feeling i am having all the time is a bit more extreme than it is for others my age (perhaps?). sometimes i just don't know anymore. i remember my dissociations last year, and how i had to buy the Coca Colas with "princess" written on them to remind me who i am, cause i kept forgetting:) jokes aside... ...i do feel so unstable, so scared.... all i can do for now is ground myself in the few things i do know. exercise is good, i want that in my life no matter what. expressive writing comes to me naturally, i've done that for years and it's helping me, so it can't be that wrong - it's got the language element and the psychology element. guess i'm still confused, though, if i can be anything to do with psychology (cute psychologist/psychotherapist) or simply cute English and French teacher, café owner, cookbook writer, whatever - if, without psychological disorder - i'd still feel like there's something missing with language teaching or if i need to be psychologically healthy and work in a psychological field, too. either way, guess i want to be cute. which is like the whole struggle - cause i'm never ever good enough, and then i project that outward all the time onto superficial stuff (appearance, career choices, relationships) and get lost in analysis paralysis when these things aren't even the "real" problem. or i get confused about what to do, because there's always so much overlay that consists in questioning whether a thing i do looks good (as opposed to feels good).

i also wonder if this journal is bad. since i've been criticised for sharing too many of my experiences. i guess other people do that, too, but i still wonder. i would change the title if i could, though.

for a few weeks now, i've been stuck with this emotion - sometimes more subtle, and i project it onto other stuff, but at its core... i feel so in-secure, so small, so weak, so scared. i don't know if it's good to be studying psychology as someone with her wide array of mental disorders. as though studying psychology would fix that. not studying it wouldn't fix it either, but i guess the immediate incentive to somehow have to fix myself completely (and i feel so broken) is also not helpful....it's such an odd feeling to be mixing my career and my personal life, but it's not like i could make such a decision independent of my personal life, anyway. then again, i have to be something (live somewhere, do some kind of job). and it's not like any of the other things i have done or could do would make me feel any more certain or secure. but we're back to square one: i feel lost. i feel so infinitely lost, and nothing i ever try to do fixes that feeling. i feel so ugly, body image sucks, food sucks. i think i have an ugly personality, too. i'm a horrible person. i'm pretty sure all the other students think i'm mean, awkward, weird, egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, selfish. i just feel so much tension and it's almost like i was just thrown into a weird reality that i'm desperately trying to understand, let alone master, i'm trying to do everything right, but i can't, and i'm just desperate. i tried to tell myself earlier to remember that i am Love, every fibre of my being is made of Love, and maybe that would help. it doesn't. i'm so stressed out even at the fact of my existence, i can't make sense of it. massive overload. which is nothing new at all, but it always feels new, i always envision it as this grandiose, new realisation about how everything's not okay. crisis always feels so immediate, even though it's really just my way of being at this point. mood swings are also crazy atm.

i got my undergraduate degree in the mail today - admittedly, it feels much cooler than it felt even after handing in my thesis or getting the feedback for it. it's been a crazy, stressful ride until here, and i'm just glad and relieved, i guess:)

uni's starting to feel good and right, i went for a thirty minute run this morning that also felt quite good, and i met my new tutoring student. she'd been avoiding school and cried in the beginning, but at the end of the lesson she actually said she'd been having fun! which is like a huge compliment for me, cause it shows i did a good job tutoring her in a kind, no-pressure sort of way. i tried my best to be non-judgmental and signal that all questions and mistakes are welcome - which i am guessing must have been a huge fear of hers going into this, that i'd judge her.

i think strange people trigger my dissociative tendencies even more. new place, new people, new everything.... - i think i'm so extreme in the way i do change. this isn't the first time, either. cause i'm always either very complacent about it, then do it all in one go. i feel so stupid for being such an "extremist" in life... i thought it was good for me to change...to be more active and alive in life. but then i do too much of it at once and my brain can't handle that, either. i never seem to know the middle way.

i can't even find my centre anymore ...and i wonder if something has to snap big time before this can go back to normal, or if it will just fade out quietly as i get more comfortable and familiar around here. right now, i can still tell there's so much exhaustion and overload. i don't feel normal.

this is all just a tiny bit too intense for me these days

like i feel like i'm dying. oh God.

i overdosed on caffeine again because i said yes too quickly and now i have to go to a party tonight. i'm not a party person, but i felt like it was nice to be asked because i thought the other students didn't like me but turns out some of them do so it looks like i'm going now. anyway, this entire time i'm still thinking.... this is just a little too much change. change isn't bad, i like change, change can be good. i've been craving change for so long. but it can also be a little too much, too. i'm scared. i almost don't recognise myself. i feel like i'm losing myself - which isn't bad, either, but it's still SO MUCH. i also don't know what better thing i'd be doing if i wasn't here, i probably wouldn't be doing anything better - but it's still scary. i feel like i'm going crazy...like i'm so insecure, but no one would believe me because i'm just doing stuff even though i'm insecure about it, essentially. i guess this is what the people who do stuff do - they just do it and no one knows they're insecure? God... i felt myself dissociating a few minutes ago while doing my make-up and looking a little too intensely in the mirror. things are a bit crazy right now and my brain is still very overwhelmed. it's the combination of the new environment, new career path, life path, people. like....being social all throughout it. normally i don't meet that many people. and now i meet people and have to face that weird shift, being around them and the state of mind it puts me in, all while tackling this instability, this destabilised phase that my brain is currently in. it's all very trippy and i can tell my brain hasn't adjusted yet....still very much overload, overwhelming. scary. like i'm not even back to baseline yet, because everything's still so new and all over the place. aaah! i'm really scared.

yes, i usually have green tea, but a few days ago i switched to coffee....should probably switch that back again...

yesterday was better for the most part. today, not so much. there are way too many triggers accumulating, there's way too many moments of discomfort filling my days. the studies are great, i like my little corner with the desk in my apartment, i like my book, my study routines, the fields right outside my door. i like the blossoming trees, the fact that the Institute is nearby and i can get there in 10 minutes. i hate the yellow floor in my apartment, how i hear it every time somebody flushes their toilet or uses the sink in the surrounding apartments, how i have to wait at ugly bus stops and walk ugly, dirty streets whenever i want to get somewhere in the city centre. i hate the dimensions of my kitchen, how it's too narrow and simultaneously the cupboard is hung at a height for someone much taller than me, so i can barely reach the second shelf. then there are a lot of triggers going on with my family, too. body image problems. technical problems keep coming in. my heat keeps cracking every few seconds starting at 5 am, and then again at 11pm. body image issues. i feel like i look and am really ugly. i keep getting lost in the city because google maps is inaccurate, too. some machines at the gym have weird dimensions, the seats are either too big or when i sit at the front, really uncomfortable, so much so that i can't properly do my exercises, or people walk too close while i am trying to push myself, or the ground is vibrating my machine because too many people are using the treadmills right next to me. music pierces through my headphones, i'm jittery... it's just so much and pretty exhausting atm. just too many new things happening all at once.

what about green tea?