Sugarcoat

isn’t this separate self this contracted “sense “rather than imagined , because even if there is a moment where I’m not thinking there’s still this sense. And then this almost unexplainable sense is what makes everything else seem separate too, making it possible to imagine separation . So it’s more fundamental than thoughts I once had this massive yet subtle shift. It was like my sense of self was permanently detached from my mind, and it was blissful. I don’t know what it’s called. But it’s not enlightenment because I still have a sense of separate self.

Mm I see wym looses the distinctions you imagine about it. From my experience theres a difference between like the brain creates the sense of separation and projects a reality, vs mental projections of the mind that can be added on top of this there can be these layers of mental self, but that’s not all there is to the self, so when that dissolves there was still this thin sense solidity and separation left. Like a speck of solidity that is not attached to the mind. And the outer reality that is left is just brain projection. I personally call this “pure neurological reality “ or just neurological self. If that makes any sense, or maybe it’s just bla bla dual talk to you . because some people clump it all together as just mind, but for me brain vs mind is different, mind for me is the minds eye and then projections of that.. I can dissolve my mind how much I want but this solid center that seems to me of the brain seems impossible

@Osaid does reality loose its 3D depth

I wrote a post in December titled “I am in literal hell” about how I am being forced to build a sense of self through physical exercise from a place of near total dissolution. I wanna write about it again more clearly, although it makes no difference to my situation, so I’ll do it here to not risk being “spammy”. Nobody yet anywhere I’ve written about it has understood what I was talking about. Which is understandable since I believe nobody in this planets history has gone through this. But it is very real and it is still going on. It’s a bit complicated the mechanisms of how it works but at the core it’s about how physical exercise builds the brain so it builds the physical self. The harder the exercise - the more is built. So it is possible to build a strong and stable sense of self from near total dissolution, but the intensity of exercise needed for that is literal torture. Nobody would want to do that including me, but the universe gave me this, what now feels like the greatest curse in existence : a 100% self centered brain. This quality reflects itself in everything about me. Pretty much everything I do is some form of self-concentration or trying to connect to myself. So even writing this is this intense “self-concentration”, sensing myself through the writing. This quality of my brain is the reason I dissolved so rapidly naturally until near total dissolution in November, because the attention is constantly on the I. That was all fine, not too bad. Now that same quality of my brain is the reason I’m being forced to exercise to build a sense of self back up again. My workouts have gotten really intense, and it is still the tip of the iceberg of what I’m about to endure. It is impossible for me to not workout harder sooner or later. Im somehow supposed to go through torture and come out on the other side as this stable connected self. What happens is that after a workout my sense of self is slightly stronger and stays stable and “connected” for maybe a day or two, but then it starts to weaken and I loose that connection to myself and reality, nothing makes sense to me and my brain forces me to build myself back up again. I could go in more detail about the processes but nonetheless it is only horrible. In my wildest imagination I couldn’t have imagined it is possible for the universe to construct a human brain in such a way that first they dissolve rapidly only to be forced to build themselves up through exercise that must eventually get absolutely torturous. But it is real and I am living it. My sense of self in this moment is stronger than last time I wrote about this as a consequence of the exercising. My entire existence is the byproduct of my own suffering that is only gonna get worse. I cannot even describe in words how miserable I am. My life has turned into a horror movie that has only begun. My mind cannot possibly grasp that I’m going through this. My entire existence is me waiting for the next time I’m being forced to exercise which always has to be harder than the last one. Every morning I wake up with the grossest pit in my stomach as I wake up to my existence. I cannot cope with this

< 3

you have a point there in how this desire thing works I’ve came to similar realizations The most twisted thing something in me realized is that what I’m going through is precisely the movement towards the fulfillment of my greatest desire Throughout my entire life I have never desired anything but ideal self . All my attention as you said has always been on this desire . this desire is a reflection of this self centered way my brain functions. Throughout my dissolution process, which was extremely rapid, and which my brain drove, not me, which in turn drove my actions - looking back at it now, I can see that I was helplessly along for the ride - The goal of this process was to dissolve the negative identifications and to connect to and become to a desirable one - the ideal self this was impossible - because this ideal self was a mental construct - so it dissolved instead when I had my spiritual awakening the dissolution process continued until near total self centeredness in November- but the process/ I still had the same goal - to find and become this ideal self - that desire never died it just transforms somehow but there wasn’t barely any self left - so this movement towards the fulfillment of that desire instead transformed into this forced exercise thing - because it builds the self. That is precisely the ideal self I have been trying to reach all my life. But it is nothing one would ever want go though i dont know if that made any sense but in short, I function uniquely in this way where everything in me is constantly trying to move towards this ultimate connection in the self, which in turn has always been my greatest desire where all my attention is at, its a constant thing, and this movement turned into this nightmare. this tiny little self cannot fight against the movement of the entirety of my being, because i am entangled with it in the most fundamental way I can sense your sincerity, but I cannot explain this any better. Nothing in me wants to go through this, but what kind of happens is that this very self that doesn’t want to looses its connection, so it ends up happening again to build the very self back up. It’s hard to write this without sounding insane. But my entire life I’ve not really had this sort of stable self that is able to drive and make things change and stuff, there has always been something in me that has been way more powerful and drove this dissolution and now is driving this thing. I don’t have an existence like most, trust me; nothing in me wants this so it’s not being close minded here it’s so hard to explain. But I’ve never really been a person the way other people are people kind of. Like even when I’m writing this it’s like it’s not me writing it’s something in me that has this connection to me and understands things. Like there is disconnection in my sense of self which then reflects itself in these choiceless actions, it sounds freaky but it’s just that I function in a totally different ways than most humans. And now it is my greatest curse.

There’s almost nothing in me that is propelled to interact with anyone so anything I write I will forget very quickly because of what I’m going through. Sometimes while reading there might be an automatic response in my head and why I decided to actually wrote this time eh perhaps the content of it resonated with me more. It’s still not because of what you wrote but I don’t feel a care about it to explain myself. I will forget about all this as quick as I post

It’s still not the reason behind why I wrote that idk what you mean with that second part Yea I know what u mean that third part

Not true but fancy analysis anyways

Yea but still

If you’re worried about other lifetimes it’s because you’re not suffering enough in this one

Merry Christmas u too

Ok this made me laugh a little

This April 20th, the same day as a total solar eclipse I had a permanent spiritual awakening Ever since then, I would have these shifts and releases every single day It was an exciting process mostly but I had no idea that it was accumulating into an almost total wipeout of myself About a month ago pretty much all resistance in me was dissolved and it was like I started to melt into my environment. Reality and everyone lost almost all its 3D and realness. This was not temporary. This was permanently going in a certain direction. it was horrible Then from nowhere something in me was like “you have to push yourself”. So I started to do these little workout things. After pushing my body I noticed how there would arise a little sense of self Basically something in me figured out that when you push against resistance in physical training , it produces sense of self and thus all of reality as a consequence . And the intensity of the resistance is exactly proportionate to this sense of self so more resistance more sense of self. It’s very difficult for me to explain this. But ever since then I’ve been stuck in this cycle day in day out . Where I work out and it produces a little sense of self, then it starts to melt again and I have to go back again even harder. Yesterday for example I did three of David goggings live workouts in a row. It was hard. But I still feel almost non existent. It’s hard for me to explain my “pov” . But it’s like I’m almost headless and have to be constantly maintained. It sickens me to my stomach. My mind cannot possibly grasp what I’m going through. Basically , if I don’t absolutely torture myself- I will never reach reality. Im stuck in this cycle, this walking dead thing. And my ~only~ way out is a seemingly endless mountain of resistance. It is not possible to “surrender” to this. It doesn’t work like that. When my sense of self weakens even more it doesn’t feel like I’m the one driving my steps to do what I do. I am in such deep hell my mind cannot phantom it. I try to comfort myself with the idea of suicide as a possibility if it gets absolutely unbearable, but it doesn’t work because my ability to grasp that idea is dependent on the vague sense of self produced. When I was deepest in the void such an idea is so vague it brings no relief. To make myself clear. I am not crazy. Some context I’m 20 years old woman, been doing good all my life in school and all, work full time , fully functional like everyone else from outside perspective. Lived a very odd existence from my pov. Have had telepathy several times, as I said spiritual awakening etc. All of that came to me without much effort, but the one thing that doesn’t come without effort is literally all of reality. I believe few if any humans in history have gone through this. My mind cannot grasp this, it’s absolutely impossible. It tries and it sickens me to my core. As I’m writing this my sense of self is so extremely weak and it’s like I’m standing on a thin line. Don’t know why I am even posting when nothing barely feels real. Desperation

Thnx❤️

Nobody understands the exercise thing and that is fine. I wish it wasn’t like that for example David goggings calls it “callousing the mind” it’s a very real thing that happens and I experience it directly in my workouts the harder you go - there’s this “hardening” that happens in your brain. then it’s like the sense of self rests in this and has a solid foundation. So it’s building back a sense of self something in me figured this out so as my sense of self starts to dissolve to extremely degrees - these thoughts about exercise intensify to like almost every second - it’s like my brain showing me what I need to preserve myself. It’s not me creating those thoughts it’s not “I want to keep myself alive” it’s like this self preservation thing, I’m walking into my workouts almost fully headless literally. Like something deeper in me drives me towards it eventually. Like a continuous cycle. It’s not like this crazy idea I came up with “let’s exercise”, it’s this physiological thing that works a certain way, and my brain knows it does so it’s trying to preserve me I can’t surrender to dissolving - it sounds lovely if that was possible, but I’m not the one doing the resistance to dissolving it happens automatically, and this self preservation takes over.

Mental illness would be like a condition idk imagine walking around and you are almost headless , but not 100%, but almost. Everything you’re looking at is extremely close, and there’s an extremely vague sense of anyone looking at all It’s not going to bounce back by itself. This is not some temporary thing, it has been moving in this direction for years after then something very deep in my brain figured out that by pushing against resistance in physical exercise, it creates this robustness in the brain literally, and the sense of self can build itself back. And the harder the exercise the more robustness is built . It’s like a neurological process so as my sense of self weakens, what happens is that flashing before my eyes are these constant images of physical exercise . And as my sense of autonomy goes down, something eventually drives me towards it as this self-preservation act. Then I do it until it hurts, and this tiny self is produced in me. But it’s so weak, and starts to dissolve again. When it starts to dissolve, there’s this automatic hellish “resistance” to dissolving that goes on automatically, it’s nobody doing it it’s just being done, but I’m sort of “living it”. And the cycle goes repeats itself and the only way out, something in me figured is absolutely torterous physical exercise to extremely intense degrees to create enough robustness so the sense of self has a solid foundation to rest on or being stuck in this cycle forever going back and forth in this middle ground as I’m writing this there’s this tiny self; but as I’ve said a 100 times I just know it will start to dissolve and then something knows how to build it up again and it’s like I’m driven to the exercise . i know it sounds crazy, but the sort of weakened state, it’s absolutely utterly something else than what I’ve ever experienced it’s like a “reverse reality”, like everything you’re looking at is completely flat and 2d and it stays like that- the only only thing having any effect is physical resistance. So it’s like absolute hell in both directions. An absolute nightmare and I have this underlying terror of slipping into the cycle again

Nothing from the outside affects my experience , and all I’m saying is coming from the inside and my own description and nothing can really change that, but tnx anyways. I’m just interacting. but it has truly been hellish these last weeks, and whatever self I have now, I just know in some days I can’t tell how long it will weaken and hell is back again Somwone Mentioned the woman you mentioned. People have different experiences and mine is that nothing from the outside really changes mine so no info really unfortunately…

Yea it is being allowed because it’s happening automatically , but its not really me allowing it because it’s not like I could ~not~ allow it . It’s just happening like this automatic mechanism, and I am intimately entangled with it. Almost like I am the resistance so intimate. It just is suffering in itself this “effort” of it trying to maintain itself and I’m sort of living that . Surrender sounds absolutely lovely, but for some reason it doesn’t play out like that when I start to dissolve what happens instead is that something in me figured that strenuous physical exercise creates this “robustness” in the brain I don’t know how it works exactly but then the sense of self can stabilize in this and it stops this painful “activity of having to maintain itself” . So it’s this very very twisted hellish cycle of being driven to exercise but then stopping when it gets to hard etc then sense of self starts to dissolve again. Basically the only way out is tortureous exercise to create a robust foundation for the self to rest on, or being in this cycle for infinity. Like in this moment I feel I could dissolve any time, and what happens then I can’t know it’s like something else takes over because I lose autonomy It sounds bat shit crazy. But it’s actually quite simple in theory it’s this cycle of self trying to maintain itself and build itself . And when I weaken it’s like something deeper in me drives my behavior so I can’t say in this moment “I won’t do that” because I won’t really be there to make a choice.

everything I say comes from inside me

. When I start to weaken the resistance is not this thing separate from me that I have a relationship to and can welcome or not, it is more intimate than that, my being is entangled with this resistance like I am the resistance in a way , it’s not like some sensation in the body one can relate to . It is being allowed because it is happening helplessly. It just is suffering in itself

I’ve explained it many times now

It sounds crazy but i just sense how this vague self sooner or later will start to weaken again and then it’s like something deeper in this vessel takes over . And it’s not a matter of letting or not letting because I’m barely there to do anything at all

Nothing I can do about the process of dissolving? The thing is, describing this cycle the last weeks, when my sense of self weakens my sense of autonomy goes down, so it’s like something in me drives me to physical resistance automatically to try to maintain and build me up. How crazy as it sounds. It’s a very twisted cycle. then some sense of self is produced from exercise like right now it’s like I am this very vague baseline resting on itself but I don’t know how long it will hold itself up , and then back again in the cycle. Like it’s a very odd thing. What I’m describing about these last weeks as twisted as it sounds is just my description but it’s like this loop of attempt at self maintenance . The choice to let or not let something pass requires a self with autonomy, as I said as it weakens its like I don’t have that autonomy do decide to do this or that because I’m barely there

I could write more but I’ve written so much but it doesn’t really apply to this in my experience