Sugarcoat

Yes I will never ever repeat my mistake. First and last time I did. see what happens when you stop watching your videos as much? Maybe if I watched your video about avoiding being scammed etc this wouldn’t happen lol. Gonna watch it later. Taking notes thank you

thank you for the tips and kind words. I’ve learned a great lesson from this and will never do it again. It’s very unusual of me too, I’m usually very careful. But this time I got carried away. That’s a pretty realistic view, I did the opposite I expected the best. I even walked outside thinking the delivery guy was actually on his way damn lol. I had suspicions from the start but somehow they got clouded by my desire and hope and how deceived I was. but with reviews? Can’t they be faked, how do you know the reviews are legit?

@Realms of Wonder @Realms of Wonder thansk for your reply it’s nice hearing about others experiencing similar things, makes you feel less weird. well the situation was weird overall. Now when I look back I can’t believe my eyes how reckless I was with my money. I’m usually careful but this one time I got carried away i learnt that from now on, with no exceptions, be more careful. I always gotta know for sure that someone is legit before attempting to buy. Also let no degree of desire cloud my logic like it did here. Also don’t fall for fancy language and eloquent explanations.

I relate very very very deeply to your post. From a young age I’ve sensed how there is a sense of self involved in pretty much anything I do, and in order for myself to keep being interested in let’s say a subject, I have to be interested in the self image it can help me attain. it’s as if one senses how there is an agenda behind anything one does. It’s not bad, just pure noticing. This “self awareness “ is not by force, it comes naturally. I think everyone is fundamentally the same psychologically. The difference is some of us seem to be more sensitive to the mechanism of the identity and are more detached from it and aware of it. what we all want deep down is detachment I believe. As any identity I’ve noticed requires a certain mental effort to maintain. It’s exhausting, and different people seem to be sensitive to this to different degrees. the identity is sneaky, it hides in everything. It’s involved in everything.

When I was around 12 years old I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time. That time it was scary. Then the second time it happened was around 2 years ago, around half a year into my daily meditation practice. (i dont meditate anymore, me stopping meditation has nothing to do with this though) But this time not really scary, and it was coupled with a strong feeling of vibration or sort of like an electric current especially in my upper body, especially in my back, going up my back to my head. Then after that it happened more and more often, sometimes several times in one night. Note that i didn´t have a particularly bad sleep schedule. It was okay. It happened regularly up until about this spring, about 40 times in total, I counted on my phone many of them, then it stopped happening for some reason. Then two days ago it happend again. Then last night again. I´m wondering why it suddenly came back, I have not changed anything in my life in particular. It does not bother me as it´s not scary. To describe it more. It can last shortly, a minute or so, or longer episodes. It can vary in intensity, it was most intense in the middle of the night probably becuase I was closer to deeper sleep or something. I say sleep paralysis becuase I can´t move when it happens. Some hallucinations have occured, but I find that they reflect the emotional state, I´m calm when it happens so I almost never se anything scary. There can be a sense of presence but I guess that´s just good old regular rem sleep activity. There is always this strong vibrational feeling in the body as I described, sometimes it tickles me so I want to move but ofc I can´t, especially tickling my back. I can make the vibrations more intense if I breathe deeply it seems, its like they go in waves, its sort of relaxing. The vibrations can also seem more intense if I focus on a specific area in my body, its like they focus on that area then My state during them is like rem-sleep but awake, dreamlike but aware. Once I managed to astral project I think, I floated up through the roof and out in my neighborhood, but i dont really care that was just some lucid dreaming maybe. Also I can sense when its about to come and if i move i can prevent it, but sometimes simply by deeply relaxing my body in my bed, (usually after waking up or in the middle of the night) it would happen, or spontaneously. So does anyone have any explanation? I´m curios. Maybe its nothing special but its still fun to investigate.

Nice post. I sense genuineness , something about the energy of it. I agree tho, I just go to the forum for fun nowadays, used to be serious about it, freeing to not be anymore

I don´t feel particularly stressed at all

My sleep is quite good and regular 7/8/9 hours per night, barely ever tired, not stressed much at all . hehe

not at all

So for most of my life I have had this tendency of compulsively fantasizing about idealized versions of me expressing something I feel unable to express through my “ real” sense of self because of fear. for example, when I was younger, I used to feel very shy, so I would be quiet. I would compulsively daydream about a confident, funny, charismatic version of me interacting with people in my school I feel shy around. interestingly, when I overcame this shyness, and when I started to embody and express that in real life. Those fantasies stopped. I still have some compulsive fantasizing regarding other things I struggle to express , most of it is gone tho. so what drives this? So it seems like; the sense of self, which is like this claimer and owner of things, behaviors, looks, speech etc all these characteristics. When nothing is happening in the external world for it to claim, such as me speaking and interacting with poeple, the mind goes wild and creates scenarios for the sense of self to claim becuase the desire to express those things (humor etc) is there, but not able to be expressed irl. it’s like the sense of self is uncomfortable irl, for example, in certain social situations there would arise an awkward sense of self, so through this sense of self, humor, laughter, joy cannot be expressed becuase the sense of self is uncomfortable sort of. so the fantasy seems to be a way for one to feel in control??

Yea in a way

It seems to be about expression yes, if it’s longed to be expressed , but it’s suppressed in real life, the mind is like this canvas for it to be expressed through fantasy. never thought about it as poetry, interesting connection.

That’s seriously how it feels sometimes. For all my life I’ve had an extremely rich inner world, just naturally been that way. Always been heavily inwardly oriented. I used to see my excessive daydreaming as a obstacle distracting me from everyday life, but I’ve come to see how every version of myself that I fantasize about is something that I long to embody and express irl, and until I do so, the fantasy will keep going. the fantasies are not random at all, there’s always something that resonates with it. it’s truly fascinating how the mind can do that. It’s like my mind and emotional energetic body work together as one. It’s all intuitive, what resonates, emotional, sort of energetic . it’s truly amazing. The mind is so utterly fascinating. All this talk about shutting the mind down, yea to a certain degree but it does wonders too It’s like I’ve always been accompanied by a higher self in my mind waiting for me to embody it. Like my future self talking to me I don’t settle for less. Sooner or later I embody that version of me I fantasize about, so that particular fantasy stops, that’s the general trend it seems.

Behind logic, emotion hides, behind emotion, logic resides so it’s like behind seemingly logical argumentation or rationalization, there can be an emotional load, a sense of self involved in it trying to be maintained. for example , a person reasons : I should eat healthy because it is good for my body. Sounds rational right? but maybe the reason actually is that they have a desire to identify as a person who eats healthy because they’ve been conditioned to see that as something to be proud about so it’s emotional and identity related at it’s root you can feel into the apparent logic and rationality. Is there tension to it? Does it resonate? Is there a sense of self associated with it that colors the logic and sort of uses it to justify itself from my experience, the older I get the more these two go hand in hand, the less distinction between them. My mind does not really make any difference between them, it’s all resonance

I still have some sense of time, but it has gradually decreased and not much left as you say, every moment feels more fresh and new, in comparison to before i feel like I’m walking into my own grave like I’m gonna be gone soon lol, not in a bad way tho, just weird but not weird at the same time so you would say there is no sense of separation left there were you are?

So for the past year or so I keep having these subtle releases of tension, tension in my whole reality, not any specific emotion, my sense of separation has decreased gradually, many beliefs and concept has lost their realness and I cannot go back to how it was previously for example I don’t resonate with my oldest posts at all anymore they make no sense hehe So my sense of context for what’s happening has decreased, reality is more “zoomed in” now than before, and I can’t go back. For example my sense of time is less, thoughts about the future have less pull to them than before. so it seems like the sense of time is related to seeking when one seeks a sense of self or fulfillment it’s always in time, something in the future that one hopes to happen, so there is excessive fantasy and thinking about the future, seems like one is trying to have a sense of control about the future, to try to make sure that one is moving closer to what one desires these thoughts about the future have a pull to them, ones sense of self is invested in them what I’ve found is that when I have lost hope that something will happen, or I just stop desiring it in this seeking kind of way, a certain timeline of what I’ve anticipated will happen can dissolve and so the sense of time is less, and the sense of separation also its weird in a way, I used to feel that time is so solid, but in the past year this sense of time has slowly decreased gradually Reality has never been so moment to moment, it’s weird but also not weird anyome relates?

Probably heheheheh

@RMQualtrough if the egoic tendency is there it will take any word and make it egoic two people can talk about the same thing with completely different energy behind the words. So the words are sevondary, if the egoic tendency is there already, words don’t strengthen or weaken, just reflect sort of I think

Hi everyone. I just felt a sudden urge to share this. Some desire for self expression I guess because I´m feeling a bit disoriented. About three years ago I got introduced to spirituality. I loved to watch Eckhart Tolle, then I started to watch Actualized.org soooo much. One summer I seriously watched almost all videoss from the start. It resonated a LOT. A new dimension seemed to have opened up "wow I can feel into my inner body and anxiety can dissolve, there is something beyond thinking??". So I started meditating everyday, built up to an hour a day, practiced what Eckhart Tolle said, presence, practised acceptance, contemplation. This seemed to get me somewhere. I felt releases of tension, spontaneous shifts in perspective, what I at the time would have called "increase in awareness". I´m not talking about radical mystical experiences, I´ve never had those, but I hope you who is reading this doesn`t disqualify all i have to say after this becuase of it. Anyways. So I had this very subtle spiritual paradigm, I say subtle because I was still open minded to that I can be wrong and it´s not like I was super dogmatic or something. But there was still this sense of tension and certainty (tension and certainty seem to go hand in hand) about this spiritual paradigm. This paradigm/wordview included things like "My meditation is contributing to the increase in my awareness, which is improving my life/decreasing my suffering since awareness is foundational, so if I miss meditation I will suffer more and the increase in awareness will be slower" "If I feel into my body intensely enough like Eckhart says, I can dissolve negative feelings" "when I meditate or spend time alone, the stillness and lack of distraction creates space for intuitions, insights, repressed emotions and thoughts to arise, thus I can "purify" myself and peel off all the layers of ego" "If I accept this, then the anxiety will go away" These beliefs, the sense of certainty and tension about these things were more implicit than explicit. It´s not really that I explicitly thought these things, it was more implicit. So this winter break, as usual when I have breaks, I thought implicitly "I´ll do as much spiritual practise and meditation as possible so I can really increase my awareness" . So I meditated 3 hours a day. Then one night maybe a week ago, a thought came to my mind that said something like this "what if I let go off the need to control future suffering" then bam a release of tension, shift in perspective, release of certainty, what I wouldve called "increase in awareness" seemed to happen (once again not super radical wow wow mystical experience but something seemed to happen). Shortly after, other thoughts and insights came . "what if my meditation has absolutely nothing at all to do with my apparent increases in awareness". "what if feeling into my body has nothing to do with it either" "how could trying to accept my negative feelings get rid of them? If I´m hoping that acceptance will get rid of them, that´s not true acceptance, since acceptance is allowing, how could an act/effort in time lead to accepting what already is? " . "What does it even mean to "increase awareness"? There were attempts from my mind to associate these insights with my longer than usual meditation, but it is just obvious now how I don´t know at all if there is ANY CORRELATION. There used to be a sense of loss if I didn´t meditate, I had an idea that I was always moving towards higher states of awareness, and something is lost if I don´t get to those higher states, so I need to meditate to accelerate the increase in awareness. There was also this subtle tension and expectation during meditation that the meditation would "do something for me". But when the insights came, it´s just obvious now how I have no damn clue if meditation does anything at all for me. So this expecation dropped. Since then I have not meditated at all, yes I can meditate. But what is gained if I do? What is lost if I don´t? I don´t know, this sense of certainty fell away. Also, what is lost if I don´t reach some conceptual idea of "higher awareness". It became obvious how I had a concept in my mind of higher awareness and that I was attaching some happiness to this. So this sense of "I lose something if i dont increase my awareness" fell away. Less certainty= more not knowing. But not knowing is not a feeling, or a state, it just seems to be "less" now than previously, hard to describe. Even if I used to think "I can always be wrong" or "the map is not the terretory" I still had a sense of certainty about this spiritual paradigm, and certainty has a tension to it. What if the idea of "constantly increasing your awareness" is hindering you from doing so? If someone would have told me this two years ago, it probably wouldnt have "resonated". Maybe this resonates with someone, resonance seems to happen spontaneously, If it clicks it just does. If it falls away, it just does. This is also concept, and in the future this will probably also fall away from my mind, but right now this is what I resonate with. If I were to conceptualize my life, things seem to just slowly fall away idk , I wonder what the end is, why would it stop? I´m not saying I´m "above" spirituality like wow look at me ive transcended this you guys could never, I´m just sharing what seemed to have happened and what resonates with me right now. Yes perhaps a hint of ego somewhere but I can´t really feel it right now, maybe in the future idk. So far it sounds like it´s only felt good, no since then i´ve also had quite a bit of anxiety, the kind that just sits there in the background, felt a bit disoriented, cried several times. There is somewhat of this sense "there is nothing to do about it" so ive just kinda suffered through it. Maybe just concept in my mind but this sense of cause and effect between these spiritual practises and my state has fell away so idk im just "going through it". take care

@WelcometoReality btw hello from Sweden! Stockholm

In contrast to before, yes in a sense. even my 3 hour meditations didn’t get me to my normal “state” now. Becoming noticeable maybe a year ago, I keep having these releases of tension. And that tension is in my entire reality, it’s not emotional or about the amount of thoughts in my head I literally feel less separate than before. and I’m not afraid to conceptualize it because it doesn’t really change anything about it. I can sit and think about some narrative in my mind and then some thought resonates and the narrative can sort of dissolve and suddenly reality is more “zoomed in” and this subtle release of tension, one time it was slightly visual like something dissolved in my visual field. it’s fun to conceptualize honestly. I can’t go back to my previous beliefs about spiritual stuff even if I tried. I didn’t have to argue against them, they stopped making sense. It’s like thoughts say less and less than they used to, they have less pull to them. I like talking about this becuase i never do, what am I gonna say? “Hey guys I feel my sense of separation is decreasing” it doesnt bother me that I think people wouldn’t care, the desire to identify as a person going through something profound is not strong anymore yet there is still some desire to express this. I guess what that is , is the desire for a sense of self to arise to be able to identify as a person who is going through something special, the sense of self always makes conclusions about what’s going on and wants to identify with it. I don’t fight against that anymore.

Yea I don’t have much to say, I just don’t feel like doing any spiritual practice it’s not so complaicated haha

So you’re absolutely sure that meditation gets to that? Of course I still seek. I sought even more in the past when I meditated. the meditation didn’t remove any desires really. How do you know meditation transcends the mind and that it’s impossible without it? Do all people who have “transcended the mind “ meditated? Sounds like a belief to me. I don’t seek the idea of transcending the mind, so even if meditation does that, I don’t mind. I seek other things . Why? Some part of me thinks I’ll be happy when I have them. Why do I think that? Conditioning perhaps, I don’t know. what is there to do about it really. for like a year I tried to “get rid of attachments” through meditation, through playing around with my mind to manipulate my perspective, contemplation, to practicing acceptance, to removing the things I’m “attached to” with the hope that they would accelerate some process of letting go. the desires still remained. Now they’re less intense but they still remain so now I just go all in on them, what else is there to do honestly? I don’t try to remove seeking, that’s just another layer of seeking i don’t play video games but I do eat potato chips sometimes lol. That’s not really seeking but more a bodily desire It’s not like I expect it to fulfill me

The point is?

These increases in baseline, what I like to call “releases of tension” I experience too if I’m gonna conceptualize my life. With this falling away of seeking from spiritual practice, there was this release of tension, and more after that. Now I just don’t associate these releases of tension with any spiritual practice, but I did in the past. If these is no expectation or attachment, there is no reason to do something simply other than just wanting to do it. So now there is no reason for me to meditate unless I feel like it, and so far I haven’t felt like it. So if you meditate for simple wanting to, then good for you. About one week later, (after this first post) I had my first awareness glimpse. Never in my life have I experienced anything like that. When I was younger I used to sometimes ask myself “who am I” during meditation , expecting something to happen, nothing changed. But this time I just spontaneously thought “what is this” “who is doing this” *nothing happened* then “where is the sense of self” and for like a couple of minutes, I couldn’t locate the center there was nothing behind the eyes . Never ever experienced anything like that before. The sense of something behind the eyes returned though quickly. it’s only loss if you believe meditation gets closer to enlightenment, and if you desire enlightenment as an idea. Btw I don’t seek enlightenment as an idea, I seek other things so it’s not loss from my perspective, not that it’s better, I cant control what I desire.