Sugarcoat

@Batman very true. Everything you wrote hits home for me. I’ll keep trying to express myself authentically more and more, so I can finally break out of this cycle, seriously. “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens” - Rumi

This is what keeps me going honestly.

I’ve contemplated this a bit. I want to spend more time contemplating but my time is mostly consumed with studying lol Well well. The thing is that I’ve overcome a big part of my shyness. So when I meet new people, even if they seem very social and extroverted, I won’t be particularly anxious although a bit of fear can come up. Why? I guess my ego wants to identify as a confident, fun, interesting person. To be able to do that there has to be something happening in reality that validates that I am that way, such as people laughing at my jokes. A newbie tennis player might feel insecure around pro players because they think those players judgements are true, since if you are good at something you can detect if someone is bad at it. The newbie thus trusts the pros judgements. This seems to be similar to my case, I’m insecure around some people since I consider them to be good at socializing, thus being able to detect when someone is bad at it. So I’m afraid of saying or acting in a way that could potentially bring about their judgement, let’s say a look of disapproval. If they give me that, it must be true that I’m bad socially right? So in that moment when I’m getting bad approval or a lack of approval , I’m identifying/feeling like an awkward person, which hurts my ego becuase I don’t want to identity as that. what causes the lack of confidence from the beginning? Why can’t I just go into the situation confidently from the start? Something went wrong in my childhood I guess. Insecurity started as a young child and has since become an self fulfilling prophecy or whatever that fancy term is. Feelings of Insecurity from whatever unknown cause -> acting awkwardly -> receiving feedback from others that I’m awkward-> idea of myself as awkward strengthens, on and on . so I have to break out of this cycle in some way, by self inverting as you say. I try to express myself more and more just for the sake of it. It’s been giving me some progress actually. When it comes to disconnection from sensory experience, I have this a lot from a young age. It gets stronger from my daydreaming addiction, but the more I express myself the less the impulse to daydream becomes it seems.

That’s true in a way, since in certain situations I feel more energetic and extroverted compared to the other people I’m talking to. I’m trying to let loose and relax yes. I just feel like there is some mental block in my head sometimes.

@bloomer Nice to know somebody relates. As you say, extroversion isn´t special, and they also have flaws, but its hard to realize that sometimes. I think as long as one has a flawed perception of oneself, one will have a flawed perception of others. So the solution here is to work on ourselves, and it will translate to how we relate to others, I think. When it comes to small talk, thanks for the advice you linked, but I personally think I´ve come to a point where listening to advice on how to socialize does more harm than good to me. Because it makes it seem like my problem is a lack of social skills, but I´ve realized that it´s rather a problem of fear. When I am relaxed I can small talk easily. So I suggest you to ask yourself the same. Is the problem that you lack social skills and need to learn how to small talk better, or is it that you can small talk when relaxed, but fear gets in the way sometimes? Perhaps both, one can always improve social skills of course. But as of now, is your biggest obstacle fear/low self esteem instead of lack of social skills? If it is the case, you might have to reconsider how to go about your problem Thank you for your kind words.

Hahahhahah I wish I could have that mentality irl

@Gesundheit2 That’s where I’m slowly heading. I’m working on myself so I can come to a point where I’m comfortable enough to express myself authentically. It’s going but it’s going slow, which frustrates me. Anyways beautiful analogy.

@Leo Gura Thank you for your straightforwardness. I’ll try my best to think like that