Sugarcoat

This is not purely my story tho. It’s society's story, expressing itself through me. I bet you most western young women have a sprinkle of what I articulated in their experience, but it’s more obvious and dominant in some of us, which is in some way what allows for this blunt articulation . you mention all of those qualities as if they stand in contradiction to hotness. my desire to be hot goes beyond any quality If im gonna be a spiritual cuddly meditative feminine nurturing woman etc - I want to be hot while im all those things. Im not referring to the stereotypical “hot” woman with all the associated stereotypes , just pure physical beauty in general you are talking to your mental projection of me. I can see the woman you sense that I am, but you’re sensing incorrectly . The way I express myself in the world is quite the opposite of the woman you are directing your message towards. but I agree, there are good men ofc, humans exist on a spectrum. I tend to focus on myself to become a right partner instead of trying to find one. That’s what I’ve done so far, but my body has been this one and only thing I haven’t been able to fully get under my control which disturbs me on an existential level. But despite you directing your message towards a faulty mental projection you concocted of me from reading my post, I still see your point since there are in fact many women with that mentality you are referring to. Hmmmmm….genetic drives. All I can say is that I like men with THAT energy. Although I can’t say what that is , maybe you’re right tho

Oh shit accidentally quoted myself when I wanted to edit

Hahahah. Yea I’m actually kinda surprised that others didn’t pick up on your humor , the title was enough for me and the text was lovely too actually. The reactions are screaming neurotypical for me

F*ck the haters this was amazing. Already the title had me bursting out laughing

I’m very familiar with a state of confusion, “not knowing”, feeling detached from my thoughts emotions and surroundings, and the sense of “nothing makes sense”. In a way my default state is an existential crisis, the vast majority of my life has been a mental fog , and as soon as I feel like something makes sense, my mind immediately starts to doubt it and feel like it’s artificial and I distance myself from it and automatically revert back to this familiar state of “not knowing”. Lately I’ve been sort of distancing myself from this state too and naturally started to question it. I’ve noticed how I somehow feel that this foggy detached state is more accurate and “true” than the state of feeling certain. In my head I have some idea that most people walk around feeling certain and “sucked into life” and how that is false and they are deceiving themselves. I look at people in my surroundings talking about things with passion and certainty and my mind somehow sees it as alien and mysterious and not true. “how can they be so certain”, my mind automatically thinks. I feel how this belief is starting to break down in me. Naturally these questions arise: How do I know that I can’t know anything? How do I know that uncertainty is more “real” or true than certainty? If everything is meaningless, then what is the difference between walking around feeling certain vs uncertain? Just something that has hit me lately. It’s weird because it has been so deeply ingrained in me that you have to question everything and that nothing is knowable etc but it just came to me this awareness of how these things are in some way just ideas I hold dear, and how this foggy mental state I’ve been in so much is in a sense my own version of certainty. It’s like my own security blanket that I hold onto.

Perhaps you could. I don’t do what I wrote about anymore, but you’re right. I’ve been way too independent and detached for so long I need some input from others I think

Two years ago I wrote a post here titled “"Spirituality" fell away spontaneously” . It’s about how my spiritual worldview collapsed. Basically I was meditating for around two years and during winter break in last year of high school I wanted to take it to another level so I did it for upwards 3 hours a day , and one night I very quickly became aware of how I was using spirituality as some emotional crutch and I quit it all cold turkey because it was “all in my head”. Fast forward a couple of weeks ago, from my own research online I find science articles talking about how diaphragmic breathing could help abdominal distension because the diaphragm is linked to it. I’ve been struggling with distension for my whole life and it has been bothering me aesthetically so I start doing this very intense diaphragmic breathing daily upwards an hour. It has helped my distension yes a bit, but oh my lord I genuinely feel like my entire world has been turned upside down but in a good way. It wasn’t my intention with it I’m not sure if it’s the breathwork but I started to reflect on it and I can’t see any other reason. the past weeks have been one of the most dramatic internally for me in my life. Ive had several moments of these “insights” into my own personal psychology where I feel this release of tension in my whole being, as if my entire way of relating to reality has somewhat shifted or something. Aspects of the very core of my belief system and psychology has unraveled before my eyes and I’ve switched between crying in great sadness to deep brain fog to feeling like this release in me and internal shift. Even the very reason for doing the practice (to improve my looks) has been challenged. For example, few days ago I was walking outside and I was in this mental fog (a very familiar state for me) and suddenly I just became aware and distanced myself from this mental pattern of mine and oh lord it felt like being showered in love in a way. Two nights ago, idk what that was but I was in my room stretching and I entered this state of flow or whatever: and when I tell you it was the most present and connected I’ve felt in my entire life ever ever, I was lowkey in shock. It was the state of flow that I’ve been fantasizing about in my life, I felt like it was one of the first times I was actually living in the present. There was no mental fog, and I felt like my room was sort of an extension of me and I felt safe in my own skin and everyhing was cozy and mysterious . I don’t really mind the explanation behind this, whether it’s spiritual or it can be explained scientifically using the brain. It doesn’t really matter all I know is that whatever is going on internally in me is amazing, I’m in awe yet also terrified. I know it can sound very dramatic, and over exaggerated, and perhaps it is at times. but this is just how it feels from my perspective no matter if it fits some objective standard of “profound” so to conclude, from my personal experience active intense breathwork is more effective that traditional meditation where you just passively observe.

Exactly

@michaelcycle00 thank you!!! I just felt this urge to share my experience and I’m very glad you liked it and I really hope you find some benefits if you try! I used to do sitting meditation before where I would close my eyes and simply observe my breath without actively breathing. And while I do think it affected me, I feel this has been more intense internally. now I do upwards of 3 20 min sessions each day of diaphragmic breathing instead. I do them at different times during the day. As I said the purpose was to help with abdominal distension as I’ve read studies talking about the diaphragms involvement in abdominal distension (abdomino phrenic dyssynergia) and I do notice major improvement there, and other physical differences. I feel my core engaging more in everyday life and it feels lighter to breathe. I alternate between three versions. 1. Stand up straight. Pelvic floor aligned. One hand on stomach one on chest. Stare blankly out of my window. One major difference for me was that I used to do belly breathing my but then I found this video below where he explained how you wanna expand the ribs to the sides instead. This feels veryyyyy different. So when I breathe in I try to bring my breath straight down so my ribs expand to the side so I’m not only expanding belly forward. I inhale through my nose as deep I can without raising chest (this alone can take around upwards of 15 sek), then I exhale as hard as I can through mouth feeling my abdominals engaging. I do it in this slightly over exaggerated way where my breath becomes shaky at the exhale which might not be necessary. link ( skip to 2.46 - 3.47 where he talks about the belly breathing) 2. Then another version. I do the same thing but on the floor staring at the roof with my knees on my couch like the attached image at the end (hands in the same way as before) 3. then I do this

I’ve always been very very introverted and had a vivid imagination and rich inner world. From the outside my life looks pretty dull since I’ve not done much in terms of external experience. I don’t socialize much and spend most of my time alone. But I still feel like I’ve lived a very rich life so far because so much has happened in my head, so many beliefs have formed and collapsed, insights about this and that, shifts in perspective/perception etc I’m deeply fascinated by the mind and how it works. A lot of the time I look forward to my next insight/shift in perspective and wonder and try to predict what it’s going to be. I gain a deep sense of satisfaction when something clicks in my head, nothing beats the feeling of a permanent shift in perspective for me. Sometimes I walk around in a deep mental fog zoned out for days looking for answers and finally something clicks in my head and I bawl my eyes out for hours feeling showered in love. (Here I’m referring to insights relating to something I’m struggling with at the time, random insights don’t move me that much lol) I’ve never felt normal since most people seem more outwardly oriented based on my observations and what they talk about, but maybe that’s just in my own head too lol. On a more negative note (as this positive feeling yesterday has lowkey passed, as it always does) I’m so obsessed with changing myself. It’s to a point that I’m so discontent with myself that I actively chose not to engage with people and especially date because I feel I wanna fix my flaws first. I’ve tried dating two times and it didn’t feel right so I turned inward instead and have been isolating myself. I feel like I’m the female version of those men deep in forums talking about looksmaxing etc. I’m haunted by this negative self image and I’m chasing some better self image in this super obsessive way every day. “Balanced” and “healthy “ people point out things to me and in my mind I’m like f*ck that let me be a neurotic mess pls. End of vent

People say women are interested in people and men in things, I must be a man then. I’m so introverted and I wouldn’t want it to be another way. If I’m at work, or doing an activity where the task is the focus - socializing can come effortlessly and can be enjoyable. But to socialize for the sake of it- going out after work with friends, attending social events - drains me and this I almost never feel like doing it. Months can go by without doing it and the craving for it doesn’t even appear. Socializing has always been associated with some kind of pressure. A part of me wants to see myself as a person who is social, as a result of societal conditioning of what a cool interesting person is, yet another part of me finds it requires too much effort. I’m not even interested in things - I’m interested in myself. I notice I only enjoy doing things that get me closer to actualizing a desired self image - and anything else drains me. Why would I socialize when I can be at home working on improving myself? Now I’m contradicting myself, I said I want to have this self image of being social, wouldn’t that mean I enjoy socializing? To a certain extent. When I was younger I used to be shy and made this effort to overcome it by exposing myself to social situations - then I found I would be very energetic and enjoying socializing . But I found that I pretty much only enjoyed it because I feel I was making progress in overcoming my shyness - other than that , socializing was pretty dull and draining. Now that I’m not particularly shy anymore, I don’t feel like hanging out with my friends - because I don’t find myself making progress from doing it. It becomes a meaningless activity. Sounds selfish? I guess we all are selfish, those people who are very communal and social might seem selfless but I bet they enjoy perceiving themselves that way and this is what gives them the energy and desire to do it You have the energy to do things which get you closer to a certain self image, I guess

I’ve struggled with bloating and thus other things like tiredness since a young age. About two years ago I started intermittent fasting everyday 16:8 and I’ve never went back. It has made an improvement definitely. Especially because I can be so bloated that I wake up in the morning bloated, so eating breakfast just makes it worse. Also waiting a significant amount of time between meals helps me. I’m also trying to solve this bloating thing as obviously there’s something wrong

yea I’m rethinking stuff and contemplating dw

I want to share something I find important. So recently I made a post in a non duality forum talking about how I’ve experienced a gradual loosening of my sense of self and “realness” and once a glimpse of “nothingness”. (Once for a couple of minutes it was as if the back of my eyes was completely empty and the looker was gone) I’ve been very into spirituality since a few years back, and since one year back I transitioned from spirituality to hardcore non duality which resonated more with me. I meditated for some years, did other different spiritual practice. Thus, in my mind, this sense of weakening of the sense of self, the change in time, space, and other aspects of my perception: I thought all of this was related to the loosening of the illusion of self as if I was getting closer to “the natural way things are”. One person commented that I should look into depersonalization and derealization. I try to be very open minded always so ofc I did. I’ve read a bit about it years back and it didn’t ring many bells but this time I read a little about the symptoms and so forth and when I tell you….I was in shock . It was so accurate. I decided to stop reading after a little while to not run the risk of confirmation bias. I’ve decided I will see a psychologist first. for example I had epilepsy when I was younger, and I have visual snow syndrome now, both which apparently can be related to depersonalization. I’m not gonna self diagnose but oh lord it was spot on that which I read ive been like this since early childhood so I don’t know of anything else I’m not in any way speaking against non duality or spirituality . I still see value and engage in spiritually and non duality resonates but my message to y’all is: Maybe you don’t think you’re “one of those”. But why not be open minded? Maybe you’re making conclusions about your experiences that aren’t accurate. Just entertain the idea its very tempting sometimes to frame things in a spiritual way, when maybe perhaps sometimes what’s going on is more materialistic. This is a trap too I think edit : so still nothing makes sense to me I still feel weird even weirder now it’s not even negative like this is the weirdest I’ve felt ever

Yea or both

Damn… interesting. There’s not much known about vvs but I’m curious what’s going on there Quoting didn’t work anymore so I’ll just copy and paste your answer : (((((Im kinda similar. I thought I may have had maladaptive daydreaming disorder. I remember when I was really young, like under 10, my imagination was so vivid that I would essentially be completely in my mind and lose touch with the "real world." Been working on getting over my social anxiety though the spiritual work as helped a lot))))) Damn I wonder if there’s certain personality types that are more drawn to spirituality and psychedelics . But the daydreaming can be a real struggle…it consumes so much time and energy. And lowkey it’s based on a sense of dissatisfaction because if you were at ease there would be no need to dissociate. spiritual work can def help social anxiety, personally what helped most was just exposure I would say…over and over (((((((When i was 17-18 I started smoking and would get so high that I would have ego deaths and forget who I was. The days after I got that high, I always felt depersonalization and I didnt understand what was happening cause I had not found actualized yet. It actually made me extremely depressed, but there was a lot of stuff going on in my life at that time(peak of covid) so it probably just made it worse. )))))) damn…. Interesting that the depersonalization would come after. You mean actualized explained how it’s because of ego backlash? I’m sorry you went through that. Personally I don’t have much drug experience but I’ve been through tough times where certain belief systems fall apart and nothing makes sense and it’s disturbing (((((I then went to college and had access to LSD and then looked up on YT "How to do psychedelics for personal development" and found actualized. About 2 months later, I had my first real awakening on LSD and that gave me extreme joy instead of depression. It’s possible if I found actualized during when I was smoking weed I may have recontextualized the derealization as awakening, but the two states felt very different. ))))))) im glad you had a positive “experience”. but yea recontexualization can def make a huge difference but also cause confusion . yea maybe a sense of loosening of the sense of self or absence can be both disturbing or positive . It’s hard to label it and say what it is, a mental disorder or something else.

good take. I’m conflicted and confused as I’m not completely set on either one of them. yes it seems similar. Maybe there’s people who have been diagnosed with those disorders that had have awakenings, then there are those who have the disorders but think they’re spiritual… When you label something a mental illness it makes it seem like it’s “false” meanwhile something else is more “true” . So the normal state of solid sense of self is true and a accurate perception meanwhile the weakened sense of self is untrue maybe im sounding like I’m contradicting my post but I meant it just as a possibility what caused your visual snow? I’ve had it as far as I remember with no drug use could you go in more detail with your experience of these disorders in comparison to awakening I have struggled with my self esteem since early childhood. Have been addicted to daydreaming and for the vast majority of my life I have felt either a sense of unease or distress, or a sense of dissatisfaction. Been lonely, shy, socially anxious etc I’ve not had glimpses except that one time where the sense of a looker was empty . But I’m not sure what that was because it wasn’t profound . I wasn’t in awe it was more like “wait hold on what” maybe it’s both mental illness and spiritual , I mean you don’t have to be happy to awake and stuff like that ig….

So I just wanna write this to spread the message and maybe at least one person can use something positive from it. I’m telling you pls when you workout, which is great , please please please always no exception keep good form. Always no exception be mindful of your body and take weird sensations, uncomfortable sensations , pain very seriously and always be ready to alter the way you train for healths sake, even if that means giving up your favorite exercises or lowering weights significantly from maybe 13 to 17 years old I worked out very intensely at the gym. Luckily my lower back and knees are fine although my knees are kinda sore sometimes. But my shoulders are fucked FOR EVER. I didn’t do anything crazy but since I’m hyper mobile I’m already more fragile in my shoulders and I didn’t listen to warning signs I just kept going and now I’m living with fucked up shoulders for the rest of my life that I have to watch posture constantly and do very careful physical therapy to manage, all because my teenage self was in a neurotic rush to achieve certain things. I wish so much from the bottom of my heart I could rewind the time and prevent this and I would now live with nice somewhat healthy shoulders. I’m only 19 years old but my shoulders are worse than old peoples and I’m having trouble in simple things because of it and it affects my everyday life, please don’t do this to yourself . It’s not worth any ego boost from being able to lift a lot. It’s not worth any amount of aesthetically pleasing muscle mass. It’s not worth it I promise. if you think you’re already careful when working out , be even more careful. The mind is very sneaky and will come up with all sorts of excuses as to why for example you can keep going despite feeling something off. Or making you think you’re more careful than you are. always put health first. Nothing fitness wise is worth more than feeling good in your body healthwise I promise I’m warning you thanks

They’re such g’s yea holy mother that’s a lot , yea if you still feel fine that proves you’re careful enough Thanks for the tip

Yea I’m visiting a physical therapist soon. I still have hope.

Should've done it earlier …

No barely heard of it. I’ll check it out

so to ask in a male dominated forum how to make female friends might not be the best idea. I’m not relying on this ofc I’m doing some things to put myself out there, as for example I’ve applied for another extra job (to earn money ofc ) and that’s a new opportunity to meet new people too. Also I always go to social things I’m invited to (doesn’t happen often tho I don’t have that many friends) and always try to talk with more people when I attend such events. I’m quite introverted naturally and although I have decent social skills I can be a bit drawn back so I have to deliberately push myself sometimes , it’s much easier one-on-one and a bit harder in larger groups. also I’ve been on Reddit forums and discords with the intention of meeting new people but most there are males older than me… and I have made a nice male friend my age there and I’m glad but that’s kinda rare that it stays like that I’ve also been on tinder for a lil bit for both dating and female friends but the latter hasn’t really happened much to lllol (haven’t done it for so long tho haven’t been so active so I can’t disregard it already) So I have a couple of female friends but we don’t hang out as much as I would desire so I desire more. I’m open to make male friends too ofc not excluding that, but there’s the risk of him starting to flirt with me or something like that. Nothing wrong with that but it kills the friendly vibe It would be nice to have a solid social circle of females but it’s kinda harder with women I feel. They give more of a “I already have enough friends” vibe (maybe just my own projection) meanwhile it’s easier with guys sometimes who are more open I feel……. so how does one go about this except to apply for uni which I will in a year or more? Maybe I’m just impatient lol but I have high visions I guess lol I’m never satisfied

I’m glad you managed to find nice connections with women! I relate so much to being bad at keeping touch. Many of us feel like we bother people by taking initiative or we kind of assume by default they’d hit us up if they wanted to see us..but there has to be a balance. Sometimes one gotta push and take initiative even if it’s uncomfortable, I got really glad that a girl recently from my high school kept contact with me and asked to hangout. I’m sure there’s someone who would feel the same if I did that thanks for the tips, yes hobbies seem like a natural way to meet people.

Simple yet true