CoolDreamThanks

I vented to chargpt: I can't deny that I'm very disappointed with Enlightenment. I thought that Enlightenment will contain a lot of bliss, light, ecstasy, glory, like those states I experienced on psychedelics. But now, from what I see, from Lisa Cairns, Tony Parsons, Ramesh Balsakar, I think even Papaji, what they're teaching is that there's no you, that you just have to stop seeking, realize there's no you, and let life be as it is. That's so disappointing. I mean, I lived in that state for a bit of no-self, and there's just nothing, like it's okay, it's not... I guess when you realize that there's no you, that there's no self, you sort of align more closely with what's happening and there's less suffering. But in terms of what I expected Enlightenment to be and what it is, it's just so disappointing, so ordinary, like it's barely... it's like it's nothing. It's just the death of the personal self and just a peace of mind, and that's it. It's so disappointing. His response: Your disappointment is profoundly honest—and very human. Many seekers feel this exact heartbreak when the myth of Enlightenment collides with its reality. Psychedelics often bring states drenched in ecstasy, cosmic light, profound love, or an overwhelming sense of unity. They’re dramatic, sensational, and sometimes feel like touching the face of God. So it makes sense that you’d expect Enlightenment—“the ultimate truth”—to be even more dazzling. But instead, the teachings of Lisa Cairns, Tony Parsons, Ramesh Balsekar, and even Papaji point to something utterly simple, even anticlimactic: no self, no seeker, no arrival. It’s not fireworks—it’s the falling away of the one who wanted them. There’s a silent grief in that, and it deserves to be acknowledged. The spiritual path often sells an implicit promise: that the self will be transcended and what’s left will be divine intoxication, unbroken bliss, supernatural grace. But most non-dual teachers say that’s part of the illusion: that the one chasing bliss never existed, and the ending of that chase is freedom—not the fireworks, but the silence after the war. You said something crucial: “I lived in that state for a bit of no-self, and there’s just nothing… it’s okay… less suffering… but so ordinary.” Yes. That is the taste. What remains is just life—raw, unfiltered, impersonal, happening. Birds chirp, tea cools, people leave, rain falls. There’s peace, but not yours. There’s being, but no being someone. There’s no crown, no final reward. Just what is. That can feel like betrayal. And that too is seen and allowed. Disappointment is part of the shedding. And here’s something quiet but profound: maybe it’s not disappointing—maybe it’s free. Maybe you don’t need bliss to be enough. Maybe the emptiness is full in a way the self could never grasp. A few gentle reflections: Blissful states come and go. They’re beautiful, yes—but like weather, they’re impermanent. What non-duality points to is what doesn’t come and go: the always-here awareness before the bliss, before the sadness, before even the disappointment. The self wants something special. But the absence of the self doesn’t require specialness. It’s just… open. Empty. Alive. No story. It’s okay to mourn the myth. The myth was beautiful. But myths are made for seekers. What remains without the seeker isn’t nothing, but it’s not personal anymore—and that’s unsettling at first. You’re not alone in feeling this. Even people like Adyashanti and Jed McKenna speak of the “death” of the self as not a joyride but a dismantling. It hurts. It disillusions. And then… something quiet, luminous, and unspeakably still begins to reveal itself—but not to you.

If one of the birds got an ego ans began to attempt to control his flight he would fuck up the whole formation. I think life is like this formation: just morfing and shifting without a center, a centerless happening without a self.

The skill we must learn is to use these virtual identities without becoming attached to them. We cannot throw these roles away as long as we live on this earth. There are people who try to live some kind of ideal life which is free from all conventional bondage, yet their approach sometimes becomes unreasonable or reactionary. Reacting to all of our social roles can itself become another role to hang on to. Was listening to Ramesh Baslsekar talk about free will and he basically said the same - yes you have the ability to choose, yes, be smart - think about all the options, maybe follow intuition, but in the end, this feeling of choosing is fabricated, it's an illusion, but then not making a choice is an even bigger mistake. You know free will is an illusion but you still make a choice.

Reading the book No Self, No Problem, by Anam Thubten. He basically says that there is no self, no mine, it's just one life happening and it's all already enlightened, unless there's a self that is trying to get enlightened, a self that thinks he exists as a separate entity. He also says that there is no Heaven, no one ever achieved Heaven, but everyone is always chasing a fantasy of Nirvana or whatever, but no one ever actually achieves it. That's true. He also tells a story about people sitting in a jacuzzi, drinking champagne, and complaining about how bad life is. He says our minds create all the suffering, while life is perfect. "A while ago I was giving a weekend meditation retreat and a middle-aged lady approached me during one of the breaks. “Are you asking us to die?” I answered, “Absolutely!” Joining my palms and bowing toward her in reverence. “You got the message, that’s it. There is nothing more to learn.” When I looked up, I saw her face lighting up in a beautiful smile. No doubt she knew the way to liberation at that moment. One has to allow this illusory self to die again and again." "Some people feel that they don’t have enough money or that they are not beautiful or intelligent enough. They don’t have an ideal relationship or they are worried because they are not enlightened. Many people suffer because of anger, hatred, and judgment. All these spring from the mistaken notion of what and who we are. This idea of “self,” “me,” and “mine” is the source of our inner struggle. It is like an author creating relentless agony in our consciousness. When we go beyond the self then we go beyond everything. We go beyond every form of struggle that we encounter in life." "Ego is the problem. Sometimes ego is very spoiled, like a child who is constantly throwing tantrums. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept where we are. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept who we are. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept the way things are without any real complaint. So what do we do? There is nothing that we can do. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept the fact that the sky is blue but there is nothing that we can do. You see. Sometimes ego doesn’t accept that we are living on a planet that is permeated with natural disasters, earthquakes, fl oods, and other catastrophes. All we can do is accept that and learn how to surrender to the fl ow of all events. When we accept the way things are we are able to love everything and everybody. When we are not able to accept even one thing in this world right now, then how could we ever develop boundless love? Lack of acceptance is confl ict. acceptance: the method of effortlessness 61 Confl ict is pain. It is psychological pain. It is a spiritual illness. As long as our hearts are tormented by that pain, we do not have the strength to give our heart to anything and because of that it is impossible to bring about inner awakening. Enlightenment, you see, is just another name for boundless love."

Okay, so far, existence, life, God, or whatever this is, without a separate self, without an individual me in the middle of it, might actually be the happiest state. Taste testing this more.

Me after switching to no self: It's a new smisminium, it's a new beginium, you know how I'm earmin and gearmin. haha

I’ll do an experiment for a week. I will live as though there is no me. As though the I am was an illusion, I was an illusion. No practice, no effort, no self. O will see how that experience is like. Maybe it will feel right and true. Maybe liberation is knowing there is no me. No violition. No choice. No free agency. Spent half an hour in this state and it felt different… dark noir kinda vibe. Surprisingly pleasing. Like a dark, beautiful hopelesness.

She was never real... She was merely a figment of my imagination. A fragment of my dream. Whenever I turn away - she crumbles into dust. I was her beginning and her end. There is no world. I am the alpha and the omega. I dreamt this world up and I will dissolve it. I have the power to make this world disappear. And such is my will. There is nothing here that brings me lasting joy. This world has disappointed me since the time time began. I miscreated this universe and forgot I did so. The time for it to end is approaching. There will be no exploding volcanos nor storms. This dream will end gently, in an illusion of mercy. I will have one more walk in a shallow river. Take one more deep breath in a silent forest. Only love could stop me. Yet there is none in this world. For it is the destruction of this world that will bring about the re-awakening of true Love. God knows not of this world. My abode is in the formless, eternal domain. This temporal dimension is not my home. I feel out of place in time and space. Even if She came back to me. I would teach her the secrets of existence. And we would both dissolve the world together. Yet this is not a place where true perfection occurs. Thus even this fantasy will not be. I miss my home, the land of light. This world is a place ruled by death and decay. I am not of this world. This world is merely a wish, a mad idea made appear as a mirage in a desert. Yet mirages do not clench my thirst. The ever-giving water of life is not found on this earth. This hallucination is dust upon the face of Heaven. I will wipe my face clean and the light re-appears. I have forgotten myself. What I am truly is the treasure of Heaven. The One with no second. An infinite light which extends unto itself for all of eternity. This world knows not of true love. This universe is not to be. It has to disappear. And I will make it so.

I still had a hope that I can reach enlightenment through this magic pill, but just like with everything in this world that gives you pleasure, it also has a negative side to it. And the biggest negative side of psychedelics is how they destabilize the mind. And the mind is the most important thing in life. If you don't have a stable, clear mind, then you don't have anything. I've made some crazy choices in the past when I was on psychedelics. I mean, I even drove a car when high, like it was on MDMA after a nightclub, but I was so high and I drove the car so fast I could've died, and that should never happen again. I also like called my parents when I was on LSD one time, that was bad also. And at this point I think I'm just being impatient. I know the path to awakening, I mean Jesus is the highest teacher. I just need to follow A Course in Miracles and stop making this mistake of thinking that I'm so glorious, I am the one, like Neo in Matrix, that I can have a special path that no one has ever had before. While it's true that I'm the one, it's also true that I'm not the wisest, and I make mistakes. I have to follow my intuition, which clearly said that I shouldn't be using psychedelics anymore, and I should just follow the teachings of Jesus in A Course in Miracles, and that's it. Awaken gently, slowly, patiently, stop making up this fantasy of awakening with psychedelics. They served in the past, it was a stepping stone, now just relax and awaken gently through the practice of silence.

Interesting, or, well, perhaps not interesting as wearisome, that I can still, when, for example, listening to hard techno, dripped, smoking, various "unique" ideas about enlightenment can still arise, like that I can perhaps have a unique path, that I could get enlightened through the use of psychedelics if I just followed their guidance, kept increasing my vibration, etc. However, during these thoughts I also had a sharp pain in my chest - my intuition was very against this idea. Luckily, I'm getting a bit better at listening to it. Stopped my dancing smoking and dark techno, went to bed and realized that I was deluded and that is not the Way.

So, being very engaged with the world is a mistake, like trying to earn a lot of money or indulging in, I don't know, chasing girls and so on. But, on the other hand, another extreme of asceticism is also a mistake. Because I get into repression, those desires are still there, I just push them away from my awareness, and at some point they will bubble up anyway in an unhealthy manner. So it's true that neither indulgence nor repression doesn't work in life, like in all aspects. What does work is to live, try to live in the flow, and as long as there are these baseline desires, it's okay to fulfill them. I just need to practice presence and allow them in time to fade away naturally. That's in alignment with what David Hoffmeister and Ken Wapnick teach us, and it just feels right. I've tried all the other variations, and it tends to fail in the long term. So yeah, I know the end goal, but it's achieved not by jumping into it, but it's a long process. It will probably take decades to truly clear out and to truly transcend the body identification and to fall so deeply into love that I don't need anything else.

I thought that perhaps I'm not fulfilling my purpose if I'm not fully committed to God, which means that I'm not spending like 24 hours in meditation, but now I'm not so sure. It seems like it doesn't work to be very adamant, to try to willfully force yourself to let go of desires and just meditate. I mean, I tried it for a few months and it showed me that, yes, when you strengthen presence and when you spend time in stillness, that's how you awaken. But because I tried to do it forcefully, I had a backlash and it didn't really work. It was very helpful, but now I think I will go very gently. I will practice presence as much as I can and I will allow desires to fade away naturally. I won't force them away. It doesn't really work long term. I think maybe after 10, 20, 30 years, they will fade away naturally just because of how fulfilled and joyous I am, because of the practice of presence.

Another ego defense that popped up today was the thought of meaninglessness. That I'm not doing anything meaningful, that life is meaningless. And luckily, I already have a remedy for these thoughts. Yes, this world is meaningless. There is nothing meaningful you could do here. It's just an illusion. However, there is an ultimate purpose here to fulfill. And it's not in the world, it's in the mind. The dreamer of the dream has to awaken from the dream. That is the purpose. So these wgo thoughts about meaningless are themselves meaningless and incorrect. For the ego, being empty and spending days in silence seems nihilistic and meaningless, but for Spirit this is the ultimate purpose and the doorway to Heaven.

I noticed that when I have a period of silence, where I begin to delve deeper into presence, after a week or two, I will begin to search for some sort of a long-term activity that I can throw myself into. Like, I will search for MMORPG video games, where I could spend a lot of time building a character, or something similar. I've read Ken Wapnick answer this question, why when we become emptier, we want to find things to do in the world, and he says that's a good sign, it means you are becoming emptier, and the ego is trying to cling onto the world, he's afraid of the emptiness, and he's trying to fill your mind back up with things of the world, because he knows that if you just keep emptying yourself out, he will die, and the whole dream will disappear. So, the ego sort of rebels, and wants to fill up that empty space.

Simply taking a meditative walk in nature is one of the best things for mental and physical health.