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@Ingit "Get an evaluation by a professional and don't dismiss what they tell you."

@Ingit If you really want to help yourself and break this cycle you are going to have to be totally honest with yourself first. Reading most of your posts not just this one it's most likely you suffer from hypochondriasis. This is a clinical illness and a seriously debilitating one at that. I'm sure none of this is any fun for you to go through. But like I said if you really want to get better and live a satisfying life you'll have to be honest with yourself now and get help. From what I know about it most ppl that suffer from it are in denial and will often refuse help. This too is part of the illness. Get an evaluation by a professional and don't dismiss what they tell you. That would be a great first step to breaking the cycle. Best of luck https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypochondriasis

@PetarKa Leo touts Kriya yoga as being most beneficial in his practice. And sure observation, self inquiry and contemplation can also play important parts along with just sitting in silence. Silence is the language of God.

@TheIndigoKid You expanded. Cool stuff isn't it? And it's just the beginning.

First panic sets in then panic overload then shock. They end up becoming detached in all the wrong ways.

@Aakash Got a warm break in the weather today. Gonna take advantage of that and head out to the woods and disappear for a while.

I've seen the "dis-attachment" literally save ppl's lives too. Once was during a fiery car crash pulling passangers to safety. Another was during a boating trip on a rapid river where the boat flipped. And another was at depth while scuba diving. Chances are if you attach yourself to it your screwed. Just saying. So it can be a healthy thing too because awareness and instinct will take full control.

@Aakash You were asking before when I work do I remain aware that everything is awareness. No I don't. It's more like what is sometimes referred to as a "flow state" where things are happening but there is no sense of anyone doing anything. Even time is not there because for there to be the sense of time passing there would have to be a someone who is being aware of time.

You gotta trancend all that by letting it go. Your only practice is to step out of the way and let awareness do it's own thing.

@Aakash It's always there somewhere. Sometimes in the background and sometimes in the foreground. What is this hieroglyphs?

Yea sometimes your awareness and sometimes your the appearance. That's were the real practice starts- when you see that's the case.

@Aakash If being awareness is just another activity then no you won't be able to do both. If awareness is all there is then you could be going down in a flaming plane crash and nothing would shake that.

Awareness is like a screen on which all things appear. Even the body and mind appear on this screen.

This too is awareness. Every bit of it!

@Aakash Or as Adyashanti says: "Rest as awareness"

@Aakash Stay there and don't let go.

@Aakash Make it your cover photo to remind yourself of what you are.

@Aakash That's just how your mind sees it. If you explore it further you will find it has a certain quality to it that can't be explained with words. (referring to the pic of blackness)

@Aakash Your breaking out of the deam of the limited self into higher self or universal self. But still a small sliver of the limted self always remains. It is that "sliver" that feels the loneliness. As long as your alive some percentage of your human condition will remain because you are that too.

@moon777light Well that's encouraging to hear especially with 50 lesions involved. Small world too. I live not far from Haddonfield. Thanks again. I see you mention Lyme disease also. That has a lot of the same symptoms as ms. When I worked in construction we built a handicap accessable home for a woman with Lyme disease so I know from what she had told me about it.

@Just the mage I totally hear you. I too wish I was able to work in home construction again and just live a "normal" life.

@Just the mage You should look into S.S.I. disability if you haven't already.

@Leo Gura Yes. That's what the Dr's tell me. @moon777light Thanks. I'll check into her work.

@JayG84 Why should I build a live life when it has no meaning? The same reason people climb Mount Everest. Because it's there