It's pretty weird to me, probably because I'm not well developed enough, so if you have any kind of feedback / suggestions will be greatly appreciated My story: I was kind of interesting about nothing besides video games until I was around 15. Afterwards I had a summer which I spent with my cousin, whom ideas I considered interesting at that time (if there's a god why there is still poverty, sickness, death). He is also very good with dating and that's kind of what motivated me to go to clubs almost daily for about 2 years. I became from a kid with no interest and who some people would consider retarded to someone better than most at dating. My cousin and other older close friends were pretty open minded so they let me smoke weed with them rarely (once every 6 months or so) and it was nothing special besides the fun and giggles of the moment. Fast forward to summer of 2017, my dad died, I had my high school credentials to take, take over his business and also apply to college. His death was pretty damaging to me, it took a lot of time just to stop being violent when drinking a little (anger only towards what he meant and material stuff that were in his possession). Besides this I faced big deceptions of realizing most of my friends are fake and how ugly can people be (on my dad's death bed 2 employees came to ask around for their salary instead to wait a couple of hours for me to get back home). I felt like my bubble of happiness was burst. Did everything very well, for a few months of non stop work and then I burned out to the point of for around one week it was hard for me even just to go to use the restroom. Then I discovered drugs and how good of a short term emotional crutch they were. Changed my job into a corporate one and I'm here for 2 years. During this time I was just coasting through life and everything was good besides career wise. I had plenty of money to smoke daily and enough friends to have daily hangouts and frequent sex. Around after the 2 years I realized that I wasted that time and didn't grow at all business - wise. So for around one year I tried moderation related to weed in all kinds and forms and failed. My goals for one year ahead are to lose weight (as I went from 90 kgs to 120 in 1 year) and change jobs towards a more technical side (QA Automation). Here I could notice the dicotomy: The high me is feeling perfect, is very good socially, with the downside being that I'm melting my budget being high (literally I had days where I spent half of my monthly salary in a day, because I was high. I consume medium to high amounts of weed, but the worse part is that most of my money is being consumed for adjacent things. For example, when I am high I order takeout excessively or pay for all kinds of stuff in video games) and also putting on a lot of weight given the lifestyle and not being able to learn or exercise consistently as my short memory is fucked when I smoke and so is the motivation to do those activities, as I don't feel any "high" from them compared when I'm sober. The sober me can be even better socially calibrated and do wonders, however most of the time I feel that I'm a little too focused and I have nothing on my mind besides these 2 goals. I go out in a smoke break with work colleagues and I'm feeling I can't find easily topics to talk about. So it happens with friends, there are 3 I still keep in touch regularly with but I am not attracted at all by the activities of drinking beers or such. Usually the cycle goes like this: I am out of withdrawal period, I begin to be a master of myself, I start making good progress, then I do this for a while and I consider that I can control smoking a little. The night of smoking usually ends up being 4-7 days where I lose my streak. After there's the day or two where my face drops and feeling bad because lack of THC and other substances and then another slow progression until the fall. When I'm high I feel like I'm being much more productive, creative, everything is easy and basically the opposite from the regular life. I set for myself to reach $1 Million as a goal in order to live the life I wish, as I've already reached tens of thousands and I melted the hell out of those money to the point of I have no savings. I reckon it looks like a long path to go, so anything that comes to your mind by reading this would be helpful. To me it is very weird that I've kind of depersonalized my sober self and I literally feel like doctor jekyll and hide. Also I respect a lot Leo as I learned a lot from him, however not sure if the point where he got to is really productive or it's just realization of using drugs. I want to learn much more on the topic and I also have a fair share of experiences so hit me up? . I've also tried cigarettes, alcohol, molly, Molly's crystal's which I don't know the term in English of, ketamine, amphetamine, cocaine, speed, a few others and I'm wondering why I have this conflict with seemingly with the weakest (yet most subtle devil to me). Also in the day of "relapse" to call it like this I've spent around $250, having $500 all my cash funds (I don't have to pay for anything so I'm good in those regards). I also want to find ways in which it's good to relax and work, how much of each, what practices are healthy
