Fleetinglife

Thanks for the explanation about their value exchange dynamic and for confirming my assumptions about what I read about them so far. Much appreciated for setting the time to explain it breifly to me! I will check the Wiki Article as well.

Hey man sorry for not responding and answering to your helpful advice I wasnt on this website because of tech related problems. I am back now and appreciate the words of encourgament and support for I have not of as of yet solved a lot of these problems and issues that I have with myeslf ! Thank you!

Just to get a conversation here going since I feel tired and drained for some reason after venting out negative feelings and thoughts I have repressed during the day textually into my journal. I will explain more in-depth after I rest from this and get the motivation to write again more in detail in the continuation of this post about the personal and life causes behind this state I am in nowhere so people I am kindly asking here for advice and help from can get the full context behind these feelings and thoughts that I had for a long time now - almost about more than a year. But regardless of the specific personal life cause and circumstance behind this what can be some of the more general causes behind this for all people and how can they be addressed - since sometimes for some reason feel chronic tiredness and lack of motivation in addressing them. What can be the root cause of it? How can it be solved step-by-step? How can I feel grounded in life once more and not feel lost and alienated as I currently do towards existing and living? Thanks to all who have the time, patience, and energy for empathy and compassion they are willing to share and give to me by responding to this post, taking the time to write anything in it, giving advice for me in dealing with this now chronic state and of course setting the time to council freely this anonymous poster on a personal development forum - your compassion, kindness, energy, and love is much appreciated and thank you in advance for that! I promise I will write more broadly and in-depth about the personal and life history causes that I see that are also behind this state when I get rested and motivated enough to explain in detail as much as I personally can in a few posts after a tiresome entry vent in my self-actualization journal. And also I don't want this to seem like some charity and begging for help with no introspective and self-improvement work on my part. There are a lot and enough people in the world who beg for charity and benevolence from others in life that I see while not actively planning to move a finger themselves to start getting out of the situation they found themselves in, sometimes by their own fault and doing. I will also introspect, analyze and write out the root causes behind it and the possible solutions in detail here as well as a backdrop of this post. That's all for me now, will write out more later when I recuperate and return the willpower and focus to write about more of this in detail - thanks to all again who have the time and energy and word of good advice and compassion to reply to this post in good or bad faith if they feel like it that it will help me more to return to my senses and get a grip on reality.

Hey, keep doing what you are doing, you are authentically chasing your childhood passions which are commendable since a lot of people don't do that at all in life once they grow up and you are also teaching kids in a creative way in an innovative project that requires a lot of hard work and purpose and enriching thus their childhood. Even adults glorify and idealize some famous or not so famous historical figures as sources of inspiration for themselves, an enticing story of the deeds which can be told to your community as a source of inspiration and awe and drive what can they do and accomplish in life, including me. For example, I liked to watch and still do follow the channel Epic History (There is the whole series there from Napoleon and the Napoleonic wars to the wars between Ancient Greek city-states and the Persian Empire) on YouTube to learn about history, and be awestruck and inspired by it and by some figures and their incredible and unbelievable past deeds and achievements in it for the same exact reasons. Of course, there is beauty and joy in that and a sense of shared communal values and origins in that and some myth telling here and there. Though that has nothing to do with what we are talking about here since we are approaching this topic on this forum as people who seek the truth of things and self-development. How would you teach this to kids? Well, yes that is a question worth asking. Maybe teaching them the same way they are cartoonishly evil as some other historical figures the ones we discussed here at least. Nothing is fundamentally evil but you can find a way to talk about the repressed shadow of that which it presents as self as good in a creative way - while keeping the part aimed at kids. But in sum keep doing what you are doing it is a commendable purpose, you are authentically acting according to your passions and life purpose that is a big step for many people along the way, you can later solve all these approaches for this presentation issue of all the history and its seemingly darker aspects,

Quote: ''celebrating "Columbus day" is like celebrating "Heinrich Himmler day". he was one of the worst genocidal mass murderers in history. from the opening pages of Howard Zinn's brilliant people's history of the United States:

Peasants didn't work on the land 24/7 that's a modern myth and misconception about the Middle Ages. During the Industrial Revolution workers had more work hours during the day than Medival peasants ever had and even in some seemingly 'developed' places in modern times up till this day to be clear. http://groups.csail.mit.edu/mac/users/rauch/worktime/hours_workweek.html Progress isn't linear there is massive suffering and pain in its various stages and regresses. It's more dialectical than anything, as this conversation, for it to be truly embodied and motioned forward. You are judgemental in the other sense by putting your notion of 'progress' on the pedestal above other things and using it to justify and obfuscate other unresolved issues today by your notion of them being a part of this infallible idea of 'progress'. You have a black and white vision of the notion of war, destruction, death, and progress as one always being a prerequisite for the other in order to avoid addressing the first mentioned's impacts on the state of things and problems of today as a result of that same 'progress'. Nobody here has the urge to demonize and hate just to point things that are conveniently glossed over and repressed as being a part of the mainstream discourse for the reasons not having to feel a responsibility to address them and be personally bothered to do something about them to make amends with them and to reconcile them with people who don't feel or think like you or it felt to them as being a part of 'necessary progress'. Interesting theory that has some merits of course as one of the factors and thanks for sharing it (I think I've heard it somewhere else but I have forgotten where exactly, unfortunately), but you excluded others by uplifting this one as 'the prime blind and accidental determining causation and force indirectly caused by other seemingly unrelated causations and forces'. It is a lack of human agency view of history, that excludes also a multitude of peasant rebellions that facilitated that in that transition and actual human agency that pushed that transition to be actually possible, and not as a result of that 'determining factor' that made it all possible. This is actually also a black and white view of history - death, war, destruction, pain, suffering - a necessary prerequisite for - progress! It radicalized some other places to this day since you are viewing its effects exclusively from a Eurocentric perspective, because of the mass atrocities committed and what people it victimized. Some of those people like the Israeli Jews are using the legacy of WWII and the Holocaust as a justification for their settler colonialism, maintenance of an apartheid state, and ethnic cleansing and mass atrocities and crushing of human rights against Palestinians since they use it as an ultimate victimhood narrative and don't want a repeat of that trauma so they project it onto anyone considered a threat. Also, Russia uses it as justification for its distrust of the European Union and Europe for their perceived downplaying of their own victims and is still belligerent and distrustful towards European Union because of it to this day. Look at how Israel and Russia are now today. The world is now not currently pacified at all rather I would say it is heading towards another brink because of the aforementioned contradictions. Depends my dude, depends on how you view it and depends on who is doing the colonizing and who is being colonized, and their aforementioned response and development. Muslim immigrants are now coming to European countries because of the legacy of colonialism in them and you can see the resulting problems and backlash in them. Look at the legacy of colonialism in the countries such as Lebanon and Iraq today. Saying this sounds like a judgment of colonialism on a positive basis. I thought we came here not to judge anything. Black and White. Also saying this obfuscates and avoids the initial argument of dealing with the legacy of colonialism in a meaningful way in the U.S. and acknowledging and compensating the victims of it, of how hard is for some to admit that there are some in that scenario and some who profited from that. You are phrasing this and sounding like an American conservative at this point with this logic. Him being born black, Japanese, or Indian American would he have been saved in America by America or maybe end up in reservation, prison, or an internment camp for some time. . Here we come at the crux of the issue you are glorifying America too much and putting it on a pedestal. Engaging in American glorification, triumphalism, and exceptionalism in some sense which erases native suffering from the land and their struggles now. Like all the best of the best come from and worked in America which revolutionized the world economy and moved it forward, forgetting the international background of a lot of the percentages of those types people across the world and where they were raised, worked, and lived. I can ask you to think of China the same way, look how much Chinese cheap labor and products made there made your life so much easier because of their affordability, those American products couldn't be so widespread and affordable without Chinese cheap and overworked labor and also look at that the number of Chinese tech devices and products available on the world market. Should China then also get a free pass because of that what they are doing to their own ethnic minorities, colonialism, and belligerency towards other nations in the region? So China should also get a free pass when it colonizes a country in the region because of the harsh fact if they didn't they wouldn't be able to do this that they are currently doing? If not this reveals a Eurocentric bias towards colonization. The history of colonization is not over as some like to think. it yet has to be reconciled and people labeling it as a necessary forward crushing part of 'progress' are just avoiding that issue facing ahead of us.

Also, an interesting or rather disturbing fact from history. Yes, Hitler and the Nazi ideologues used as their inspiration and justification for their implementation of 'Lebensraum' in Eastern Europe the historical result of what the Euro-settlers achieved in the West of the U.S. and have on dozens of occasions stated the direct comparison between what their plan is for Eastern Europe to the process of what happened in the U.S. and North America. By the way, the concept of 'Blood and soil' was inspired by the USA. The 'soil' part comes from 19th-century German colonialists who examined the US example and concluded that they should copy the US because 'like them, we have a stronger appreciation for the soil': (The First Image of Excerpt 1) The USA inspired the Nazis in their drive to conquer Eastern Europe, deport/murder its Indigenous people, and replace them with settlers: (The Second Image of Excerpt 2 and 3) numerous quotes from Adolf Hitler on US settler colonialism. He saw the genocidal US as an inspiration and tried to emulate it in Eastern Europe. (The Third Image Excerpt 4 and 5) Friedrich Ratzel, after visiting the USA, conceived of the theory of 'Lebensraum', a core part of Nazi ideology. He engaged in a direct dialogue with genocide-venerating American intellectuals in doing so. Hitler picked up Lebensraum directly from his work. Source: Online excerpts from the book Hitler's American Model: The United States and the Making of Nazi Race Law

10/14/2021 The greatest of sins and mistakes of this region where I live is the willful and unwillful ignorance of the terms used to communicate, not knowing the essence and meaning behind those terms just borrowing them for quick descriptive reasons and then parroting them out.

The point is to acknowledge that an equivalent to a modern genocide happened to a people on the land on which most of them lived and for something meaningfully to be done for that to be kept in mind by those whose ancestors profited from that and future settlers and for the natives to be meaningfully compensated for that for those who lost their lives and lands similarly to the European Jews and not be just satisfied with the tokenism of natives through mainstream mass cultural remembrance of naming choppers after tribes of them. That's my take if can summarize it, simply, briefly, and sorry for not having currently the time and energy to write another lengthy response on some of the other points I respectfully disagree with and some I agree with after you clarified some of your past points and interpretations that I now hopefully haven't misinterpreted or was in bad faith towards by my own tiredness and fault at that time of first responding to you and I apologize for that if I came overly crass or judgemental towards you in phrasing my response and answer.

Yeah, I saw only excerpts of those things and only parts to them but for some reason when I watched them it made me feel for some moments a sense of unrestricted and omnipresent beauty of everything in life and existence and it brings me now even little joy remembering it and them.

The intent is not the most determining factor in classifying it as genocide or an 'extermination by accident'. Genocide means that you actively facilitate the conditions, regardless of that being your prime motivating factor or just a means of achieving something else (repaying the investors the dividends on their investment in order to pay them back on their investment in you and your project or 'creating Lebensraum for your people to live on others peoples resource-rich, fertile, climate or geographically conveniently located land') by which a physical disappearance or even a cultural one to an unrecognizable point of a people from a certain area of land in the pursuit of your goal whatever that might be is possible. The Western European settler and colonialists certainly facilitated that with their aim for and treatment of the natives they encountered in order to enrich the power and wealth of themselves personally, their kingdoms, empires, nation-states, and newly independent colonies, and lastly the few of the classes of their people there who profited the most and their ruling class backers. They didn't perhaps rationally want a genocide, a total or almost significant portion of the native's population physical disseapearnce from the territories they conquered, colonized, and occupied, out of their instrumental use of natives for their other purposes of aiding the enrichment of their wealth, power, and standing but they also benefited from the native genocide of having the land and resources on which the natives resided now being freely available to them for the continuation of the enrichment of their power and wealth and the power and wealth of themselves personally, their national empires and their class backers mostly with crumbs of that wealth accumulation going to the majority of their own people as well (in Columbus's case and time period that was landed nobility, that as you can see from Zinns example and writing in the above mentioned paragraphs of the excerpts from his book, owned 95% of Kingdom of Spains land while being 2% of the total Spanish Kingdoms populace, a part of the settler colonialists in those lands as well and the then-burgeoning merchant class which Columbus was also a part of, while most of the rest of the Spanish populace only partially benefited from that at that time). A lot of them died from diseases that is true ( I don't know if this exact percentage is correct for the entire native population as a whole or if it's a just random estimate) but a lot of them died out of their cruel treatment and exploitation from the Europeans as you can read from slavery, poisoning in the silver mines they forced to work in as slaves, starvation from being cut off their lands by Europeans conquering their cities and cutting off their supply lines from the countryside to the cities and villages (you can read about that in the Inca Empire example on Wiki I think there exists a chapter dedicated to those events for example), conquest, war, and the annihilation of their communities and villages on which they depend upon for existence largely and also resulting desperations and mass suicides that occurred faced with all these cataclysmic events for their until then a way of life and survival that occurred as a direct or indirect result of the European conquest and colonizing. Saying they mostly died from diseases in a murky attempt to somehow dissolve or lessen their actions and responsibilities of contributing, facilitating, or carrying into action themselves as an actual strategy and plan in some instances of the genociding the natives from their land or their forced assimilation in other places in the Americas their pursuit of personal power and wealth, of the fragment of their people and of those of their countries by blaming an indirect manifested natural or biological factor as the main reason or contributor to the native's disappearance from their lands and their demise amounts to the intentional or unintentional whitewashing of history, historical responsibility and ultimately a nice excuse cop-out of absolving them from most of their responsibilities and actions that led to this - also as someone's ancestors. They were the victims of those who aided, abetted, and profited from their physical and cultural genocide, assimilation, expulsion, and disappearance from the land they once inhabited or no longer control or govern over. Zinn makes a mockery out of this idea of the result being human progress in his book since no historical progress is without its hidden historical contradiction driving it as being considered as such - as you can also infer from the title of one of the chapters posted here. At most in my opinion it is a historical movement with a very still not close to fully integrated grim, the big traumatic shadow hanging over behind it formed from the souls and experiences of those being the victims of and victimized by it. Perhaps it was a historical inevitability driven by the logic of historical progression, but somewhere they at least tried to recognize their humanity and tried to assimilate them like in Latin America while they almost erased their existence and reduced them to insignificant numbers not being able to participate as a worthy constituent to be taken into serious consideration by the political powers that be or a collective ethnic power actor on the national stage in their former lands in North America for example. Why didn't the Western European colonialists do the same erasure and genociding of natives from their lands in the places in Asia that they colonized? Here is the reason why: They wanted to use those lands as sources of colonial exploitation of the slave or the cheap labor of natives there and their resources and used them as a foothold for their global trade routes. But in North America and some other Latin American countries, hence the term settler colonialists nation-states, they wanted to claim the whole land for themselves there and erase any existence of a domestic indigenous and native culture and populace as any competing or disruptive factor to the founding of their entire brand new settler-colonialist civilizations on this land they claimed as whole will be staging point will be the birth and founding stone of this new project in human civilization - nations created from scratch by the sole will, power and wealth accumulated of the European settler colonialists. You can interpret it like that or you can interpret it as linguistical or cultural appropriation (theft from the meaning and relevance of the original language and repurposed for a different context and use) equivalent of the more civilized and technologically advanced collecting and using skulls and bones of their conquered and vanquished enemies who chose to resist and oppose them in the past to sow terror and fear in advance among their other perceived would-be threats or enemies who resist them or oppose them now by showing them as an example that those who heroically resisted them and fought them in the past have the honor of getting their high-tech military conquest, occupation, and death machines that are used to sow instant destruction and obliteration now elsewhere be named after them and that the same fate might befall upon those in the future who heroically chose to resist them and fight them now. A pang of possible irrational guilt releasing hid in the guise of token commemoration of those they conquered, massacred, and nearly erased by naming your newly high-tech advanced and developed death and destruction machines after them that destroy and massacre others as a way to honor them. I've yet to find the noble warrior spirit and what's honorable in machines designed primarily with the aim to instantly blow up your enemies to smithereens and drop-down troops aimed to enforce domination, subjugation, or control, or if they don't comply do more of the same. Being insecure, flip-flopping, and uncomfortable around the use of terms to acknowledge or of calling the historical fact about what happened to the indigenous people and natives of North and South America a genocide, and in North America, even a genocidal project is the definition of the using the semantics of political correctness in order to avoid offending and causing discomfort to accepted cultural sensibilities, societal norms and identities formed from an environment constructed around the willful denial, lessening, sugar-coating or avoidance of acknowledging their own historical responsibility and direct continuation from that very ugly and uncomfortable historical fact responsible also for the existence and continuation of their present state of things as they are - as they owe their current existence in part to that ugly and uncomfortable historical fact. Also being uncomfortable as framing them as also being subjected to by others to be unwilling victims of the genocide of their people s helps in turn frame what the European settler-colonialists did to them as a war of near equal powers and of equal footing in which they had no other choice but to unwillingly gave up on their land to the victors as losers have to and have not been subjected to a campaign of steady and systematic forceful erasure of their physical and cultural existence and presence from the lands which they once occupied from them to be replaced by another people. They deserve to be acknowledged as victims of a genocide that has befallen and brought upon them (much like the European Jews universally are) and to be justifiably and meaningfully redeemed on that basis by giving them back what was taken away from them as much as now as it is possible in the contemporary context in order to honor their dignity and humanity and to foster true reconciliation, tolerance, redemption and acceptance between all people now living on that land. Yes, but also Columbus Day and celebration of Columbus was also invented as a myth and tradition for the Italian immigrants and Catholics coming to America who faced early on discrimination and oppression as Catholics by the majority Protestant population to feel like they were from the very beginning a major part as people as a whole behind the founding project of America from the very get-go so the Protestants cant discriminate them as newcomer foreign immigrants and claim they were the only ones from the start and behind the contribution of setting the founding stones for creating a new civilization in America since they share the same ethnicity as that guy working on behalf of the Spanish Crown.

Depression coping and acceptance and embodiment and then cathartic healing release music and band:

I have a strong desire and need to oversleep after doing something even trivial during the day in a society like completing menial commitments like registering for the next year at faculty. After I return home and sleep for about 2 hours or so I feel completely drained physically and mentally and immediate depression kicks in. The problem is this seems easily solvable by resisting the urge to sleep but the urge is really strong at that moment since the sense of tiredness and the need to rest is profound. Any advice on how to deal with this best would be appreciated. I didn't try too hard to maybe go sit down and meditate on my bed for half an hour or so because I would feel so tired that it would almost feel that I would almost tumble over out of tiredness on my bed and just lie down trying to fall asleep and the urge to lie down and just lie down and rest on my bed when I used to try to meditate the last time I tried this method was unbelievable that I would just give up halfway when I started but if somehow was able to last after that crisis point I would be able to plow through somehow and meditate past that point and actually feel more rested, at ease and good - so maybe I should just grit my teeth and try that method again and again after coming back from doing my chores and commitments in society or at home. I should have probably had more faith and willpower in this method since most of the times I failed, then just gave up and wasted a lot of my time in my life just sleeping in during the day and that cost me also a lot of my ability for performance and achievement in faculty in terms of the time set aside to mentally focus and concentrate on studying since most of the time I would just give up on the whole day on studying because of that sleep need messing my schedule and the need to distract myself from the incoming depression and feeling of fatigue with some dopamine injection distraction and entertainment (I probably messed up a whole year or more on my faculty and lost who know how much potential studying time because of the inability and willpower to fix this bad habit during the day and would also procrastinate on my daily house chores because of it) and that really would then mess up me forming a disciplined studying routine and actually giving and passing enough exams in order for me not to be in this career problem with faculty that I am in now. Thanks for reading and setting the time and energy to answer and respond.

I found this preview of the book online but it got me so curious and disheartened at the same time when I read it that I consider seeing and finding a copy of one here and buying one eventually just to read for myself in my free time (since it reads like a good novel - what's even worse) the extent of the carrying out the planned massacre, extermination, and cleansing of the natives in Americas and its changing reasoning and motives from the European settler colonialists during its 400 years approx time of being carried out: Here is also an excerpt from Chomsky on the matter from Twitter handle @zeisquirrel:

I've been on Twitter recently to check out the World News and News here where I live and the anti-China obsession and hysteria from almost every Western media news outlet and people regarding the possible fearmongering over the war in Taiwan there is amazing. It seems to me like mass psychosis from this perspective of a manufactured international crisis everyone should mentally and ideologically prepping for when it comes to fruition to cast either their condemnation and/or praise or to be in angsty preparation for a serious international crisis or conflict breaking out between two major world forces. I see it as sick overfetishization of possible incoming moves and stages leading to a major international crisis or conflict and very not good for the mental health of individuals following the news - I basically see them performing what former US secretary of state under the Eisenhower Administration John Foster Dulles called war-time inducing mass psychology injection among the general populace following the news. Anyways my question is what to do when you want to follow the news and not to get dragged in this mass hysteria and obsession over two countries most of them haven't ever stepped foot on and are mostly clueless and don't know anything about? I am sorry in advance to the mods if this should be moved to the society, environment, and government forum section, I have only posted it here because this hysteria is when I want to read the news seriously affecting me in causing and reinforcing my instances of depression and over darkening the world, its direction and its affairs.

We have resentful and revanchist idiots that have already seized power where I live, I am just waiting for the geopolitical consequences, apart from already felt economic ones by regular working or lower-middle-class people here, in a few or couple of coming years, since I pretty much shoot myself in the foot personally and career-wise currently to do anything meaningfully about it any time soon other than casting a vote in already defunct and facade of an electoral system. Basically suffer through the current consequences of inaction or not positioning yourself well in an autocratic system and hope the worst possible outcomes do not come to actual fruition, stopped by some other political force at this point, even though from where things are going now it seems most likely and to think otherwise is to be in denial or have wishful thinking miracle optimism that it won't impact you personally and that you won't somehow be at the receiving end of it. I am basically internally thinking to myself God Help Us for this not to devolve to a real possibility to be even much worse than it currently is, even though it is visible to any honest and neutral observer that it is certainly heading that way with decisions being made and narrative spinning coupled with its justifications and external distractions being made, pulled and cultivated politically and ideologically.

I wrote out the reasons in long-winded self-loathing and incoherently written impromptu just to vent out, release the accumulated thought patterns and emotions that I have been having (or the feeling of lack there of) and finally write out somewhere what I have been feeling and thinking for a very long time now (almost more a year or so periodically while I don't distract myself and sit alone with myself and my thoughts and emotions) after starting from describing the lucid dreams that I had a few nights ago in self-actualization journal: or I can excerpt from that the most important part here relating to my introspection of why feel like I feel now about my current life and all that's happened and why I think about it negatively the way I do: ''The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.'' When I read all this I felt like a had a personality dissociation disorder in the meantime in how I am feeling and thinking now versus how I felt and thought when I started almost faculty five years ago. Like the person that was and the feelings that were there and here aren't there anymore currently, like I am living a shell of my former self through this depression only similar and identical in appearance still.

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep. Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet. For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up. Weird dream. The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...) (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up. The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret, of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester. Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.

Why do I have judgment and feel contempt towards my traditional, mentally undeveloped, and uneducated fellow countrymen - I don't consider these people to be cognitively and emotionally developed enough to be considered citizens - they are a specific ethnic folk of sorts - all these also as well judgments by the way? Why do I consider them barely human beings with reason and cognitive thinking skills as I know them and not some this ethnic folk species of animal of this region with the only aim to reproduce and maintain a life of more of their same ethnic genus - since it seems most of them are a lot obsessed by that as bigger group solidarity meaning and purpose to their lives rather than finding their own that fills their emptiness and void and makes them happy about them selves and the lives that they lived. Why do I hate and despise their naivety, stupidity, and lack of thinking skills so much? Is it because I see it as a present danger to my safety and wellbeing of living in this country and a fear of being ostracized by their own judgemental, uneducatedly narrow, and rigid point of view that I consider so delusional and detached from the reality of present things in the country and culture of this country, a kind of coping mechanism if you will for their despair filled lives that only rely on hope from others bestowed upon from someone they legitimize and give credence to being an authority of some sort on any issues they are clueless or ignorant about and don't even bother to put in the effort to research it on their own. I don't consider them as fellow citizens, I consider them as subjects to the regime in this country - subject in terms of mental slavery to its ideology and economic slavery of terms of them barely surviving and getting by as wage slaves barely covering their living expenses and the costs of life - in other words, internally hopeless slaves that cling onto hope and charity from others and their rulers - I see it as a pathetic existence not worth living if you are mentally aware of this fact of your life and you do not repress it or ignore it or delude yourself into thinking from a non-reality based belief system in order to cope with this kind of existence and a fact of your life. They used to say here and coined the term in the old Yugoslav times - Better a grave than being a knave. In fact, I know why I hate and despise them and why I can't stand their voice and sentence stringing and the utterly irrational and illogical way of thinking that goes behind it. It is that I consider them as being unworthy to be my authority on anything related to thinking and opinions in this country and to determine my fate of living in this country by voting for autocracy and authoritarianism and continuously drumming the nationalistic chauvinistic contempt and hate-filled prejudices drums of hate, ignorance, contempt, conflict, tensions and ultimately warmongering towards other peoples in the region that I see as a threat to my own safety and physical and mental wellbeing living in this country. But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is that they want ME to feel and think the same way on these issues as them - they act as ethnic gatekeepers for all their people. Who is not loyal to these ideas, criticizes, condemns, and tries to distance himself from the current mafia state and its party holding by this self-proclaimed nationalistic and patriotic oligarchic cabal centered around their beloved autocrat and states of affairs in the country, and tries to rationally communicate and bridge a gap between himself and other peoples in this region is targeted, by the most vocal and chauvinistic of the hate vitriolists, who it seems crave deep inside them their own self-destruction (Durkheim, paraphrase: Hate groups and those who seek and take pleasure from the destruction and humiliation of others are driven by impulses and desires for self-annihilation - out of their lack of self-acceptance and self-love from themselves. Hedges, paraphrase: They externalize and project the act of moral cleansing of themselves onto others through violence and war - the cover for their own vapid despair and emptiness inside them that they can't share with others out of fear of being called and mock as weak, denigrated as cowards and socially ostracized from their own uniform, conformist, totalitarian and homogeneously thinking group). obsessively search and hunt for others who they see as the fifth column, traitors and unpatriotic and un-ethnic enough elements in their own country who do not tow their uniform line in ideas, feelings, and acts in the online political spaces and in their mass media broadcasts and channels, they externalize these threats and manifest enemies among their own people and others people in order to obfuscate for themselves their own contempt and hate towards their own lives and their own selves for their unrealized dreams and potentials - the root cause of illiberal sentiments and proneness to totalitarian thinking and group homogeneity maintenance and retreating. In fact, they hide their own insecurities and cowardice through the homogeneity of their group thought. The mass media channels (that my grandma now watches) loyal to this autocratic and partocratic regime are complicit in this - turning the switch for their own uneducated and gullible, non-free thinking conformist viewers from vitriols spilling ethnic hatred, prejudices, stereotypes and contempt, conspiracy theorizing and aggrandizing the relevance of the role American politics has (depicting Trump as being anti-establishment versus the liberal establishment who were behind the bombing here and the advocacy for a part of our territories independence, as being more pro-us in the region, as if he knows anything about us or cares about anything but himself and his own political survival and maintenance of the fake populist image) (one of the biggest offenses to me was here when the tabloid press here convinced my now passed former war veteran and Yugoslav air officer grandfather shortly before he passed away that Trump gave a shit about this country, region, and us, was pro-us and cared more about us with his dealings in this region - a big lie and grand conspiracy propagated by one of the ultranationalist and populist parties here to help the major one-party state that rules the country now here get support and votes from the rest of their own 'nationalist and patriotic demographic voting base'. He died believing a lie that a tabloid press convinced him off and still propagates in this country as a conspiracy theory for explaining why Democrats and liberals in America are anti-us to this day to aid and justify and explain away this regime's support and bets for Trump being re-elected. What non-sensical mind poison selling and injecting and brainwashing opportunists and profiteers of public disinformation, lack of access to contrasting information, despair, hope, and ignorance of their readers and viewers- screw the bastards.) taking into account the importance of this region and this country - inflating the fragile nationalist self-relevance ego of their own viewers from this tiny nation - with these grand geopolitical conspiracy theories - us vs them, and then switching it down soothing and acting as televised as non-credentialed counselors for their mind, health, and wellbeing with astrology and bioenergy non-credentialed con artists and pseudoscience advocates who run a small business and business coning desperate, uneducated and uninformed this way - and these media channels platform and advertise these con artists to siphon money and resources from desperate and stupid people and for them, I guess they get the share out of those profits for advertising for them - they also invite priests and self-appointed healers who perform and talk about the same shtick to their gullible watching and uneducated audience. They basically advertise for and platform con artists that prey on people's despair and stupidity with certain heavy life issues that they have. I will not go quietly into the night following them blindly as I paraphrase Churchill. Btw interesting quote by Hedges I think that relates to this on some level but in a different context but still relevant to the one I live in since it is also a product of economic and cultural globalization: ''Positive psychology is to the corporate state, what eugenics was to the Nazis" - Chris Hedges I am done with my venting out and ranting, for now into text, I need to re-learn to think and write clearly my thoughts and ideas so people who decide to read this journal won't see it as incoherent gibberish of a person venting unconnected sentences and words with no logic and reasoning behind them and not conveying any deeper understanding of his feelings and the situation he finds himself in that he thinks also cause him to feel this way. Its judgment and judging others I know but it is not without good reason and cause pertaining to my own individual wellbeing and survival - In fact, I think it would be self-destructive and suicidal for me not to since it directly pertains to and threatens my own survival, it is a form of sanity retaining and mental self-defense to the poisonous imposition of ideas and feelings by others as I see it and feel it. I will write more in detail later about other causes of my other negative feelings and suicidal ideations from time to time - about the lack of meaning and purpose in life I feel and my resistance and fear to falling into this conformist, hopeless, mind-numbing, and brain-dead trap as I see it that people I mentioned above I see as living - stripped of their individual humanity and potential by returning back to these aforementioned sources of their misery with life and self-loathing and despair that they repress are not conscious enough of themselves how they relinquish their individual autonomy to media at hand doing the thinking for them. Until then thanks also for anyone finding this interesting enough to read for themselves and thinking to themselves that they are not wasting time in having the patience and time in reading this, though I wrote it to unearth the cause of these thoughts, judgments, and feelings mostly for myself here as a journal.

Hey, thanks for responding and giving me brief overview info on what might be some of the physiological causes. I will explain in detail what might be the emotional and mental causes behind it based on my current life circumstances and history in detail as soon as possible once I finish some of the important commitments I have tomorrow regarding my college. Till then thanks again for setting the time to respond and I'll be back on this forum soon.

10.8.2021. 25 minutes attempted vipassana session: My mind feels so painful inside. Thoughts came up to me that got me wondering and pondering why God even brought me up in existence if it can be so painful and miserable like this. Thoughts also came up imaging what it must feel like with bums, homeless people, and people begging for money on the streets to eat and survive. I thought to myself is existing like that without any higher meaning and purpose worth it for a sentient self-aware being with no striving for some higher joy or experiencing in life, but just getting and scarping by - I thought to myself that maybe if I was in such a position that I would kill myself then rather live like that the rest of my life and days - without any hope of things getting better or improving things for myself. Though I sometimes feel like a bum and homeless person in my head, mind, and how I experience life and existence sometimes like I am just barely just scraping by and holding by emotionally and physically - but only in the brief instances when I am feeling really unwell and bad. And also ask me is it worth living like this the rest of my days with no vision, passion, meaning, joy, or purpose in life. Damn it to hell sometimes my thoughts and emotions do feel so much painful and miserable. But back to the track, I really do feel like I hate myself and I am sick with myself deep inside with how low I have allowed myself to fall and have denigrated myself physically, mentally, cognitively, and emotionally from where I was starting as an in contrast to who I was born to and what's the success of my lineage and ancestors. What a miserable and pathetic little life I created for myself I think now at this time and moment from all the shit ignored and I let get to me. I Will continue this tomorrow feel uninspired to dig deeper into the memories of thoughts I had at that point and plus I got distracted by a phone call by my father and Twitter scrolling for news.