ryangold

don't comment on my journal/s anymore please @zeroguy pretty amazed (the self portrait) uploading soon i mean im no da vinci but i've never drawn before other than as you see above and other 'stuff' that don't really count

adele has an amazing voice, she's got so much inside of her i love singers, artists, thinkers these kinds of people i want try and become an artist (art, music, etc) my body is my art, im getting a new tattoo soon i might do show and tell i read a lot, i think a lot too. i know its easy for thoughts to get lost in translation in this ^ADD world though im a pretty sentimental guy that goes by the feel of things mostly that's me, #ryan-is-my-middle-name (gold is my actual last name)

??? vot?

time to start soon... almost there

Starting soon. Feeling my tears down my cheek. I've never done a self portrait before. It's been a horrible weekend.

I'm sexing my ex tonight. Grabbing her head and making her gag on my cock. Maybe I'll draw us together. You think I speak to her about my emotions though? That's what I really want. No. I fucking can't. She looks at my emotions as a different species. She doesn't want to fuck me when I'm honest about my feelings. I've got fucking no one to speak to about my emotions. I need a fucking therapist.

This is what we do isn't it? Write our thoughts out. Say things. I want to know what is real. I only want to touch the real. I feel like I'm twisting and turning into a blackhole. That life has swallowed me whole. That almost no where. Can I touch something that is real. That is itself. Undisturbed by any front. It feels like the loss of God. I need a vision. I know what it is but I can't bare the pain. I feel like I'm running into my own inevitable demise if I do. Aren't we all though, aren't we all moving into the void at the end of it. I've been crying. Trying to understand. I cannot stand the bullshit and the bullshitters that create it. I want life to be something different. People look at me and say, "you're lucky because of this, this and this..." But they don't know my pain. They're not in my shoes. That's what I feel like. That no body has been in my shoes. What's a new world anyway when we still have to brush our teeth, comb our hair and workout? I want a completely different world. I feel trapped.

my body is strong, very very strong. emotionally though I feel like a disaster. I don't know how to control all of my mood swings, I struggle to know my true identity. I feel like drawing myself. This would help me a lot. Holding a still image in my mind. I've heard so many different voices in my life telling me different things about myself I never knew what to believe. Single goals. That's what I've always done well. Not life though. I have to zone it all out. I can't do life. I know how to make money. I know how to look after my body. I know how to fuck. Life... It's just too complex for me. I just wanted to fade into it, disintegrate. To have never existed. That sounds like god is showing me mercy.

I'm going to take a picture of myself then draw myself as an act of self love. So I can remember these feelings in my body... There's so many.... Forever. We don't show ourselves enough self love these days. Too worried about a perception. I feel like life made my heart of glass and through it up against my family's steel emotional wall, everyone's. I feel so isolated. Distant. Cold. Foreign to everyone and everything.

People can't help themselves but judge my words, even though they don't know what troubles I've had and have. Look at yourselves, learn to activate your fucking empathy. I need to go for a walk. Then draw when I get back.

all those people saying I'm "acting like a victim" yeah fuck off. Thanks for the invalidating projections. Next time you're in the dumps that's what I'll say to you. Yeah fuck you Leo Gura.

Skipping today. Rendezvous.

Commencing day 1.

day 5 30 min.

day 4 30 min. & day 5 is done already.

@SQAAD meditation, walk the plank of your challenge... keep focusing on the walk... then that surrender.

For security purposes, you should always show what the link goes to. Now I can see you're playing mind games. Please delete the comment and don't comment on this journal again without showing respect.

About 30 minutes from home... Drag. Extra things.

Almost home to upload.

Real men align! Watch other men hide and be covert narcissists. Work thing...

@Daniel347 u must create an inner storm if u know what i mean

@Alysssa we're not taught to go through our emotions very well so we develop prejudices very easily